In this transformative book, Terrence Real addresses the impact of toxic individualism on intimate relationships. He provides a science-backed skillset to help couples overcome repetitive fights and distant relationships by fostering a culture of compassion, collaboration, and closeness. Real shares stories of couples whose relationships have been saved through these skills and discusses the broader cultural context that reinforces relationship dysfunction. The book is praised for its insightful and practical advice, making it a valuable resource for those seeking true intimacy.
This book argues that discord in relationships is not only normal but essential for social and emotional development. Drawing from Ed Tronick's 'still-face experiment' and Claudia Gold's clinical experience, it shows how the everyday dance of mismatch and repair in relationships helps form deep, lasting, trusting relationships and develops resilience in times of stress and trauma. The authors emphasize that our highly evolved sense of self makes us separate, yet our survival depends on connection, and that working through relational turbulence is key to stronger relationships and a solid sense of self[1][2][5].
In this book, Terrence Real presents a revolutionary approach to modern marriage, highlighting the changes in women's roles and the need for men to adapt. Real provides practical strategies and exercises to help women identify and articulate their needs, listen well, set limits, and appreciate what they have. The book aims to help couples achieve profound emotional closeness and fulfill the vision of having lifelong friends and lovers. Real draws on his extensive experience helping thousands of couples shift from despair to intimacy.
What gets in the way of truly intimate, healthy relationships…and what can we do about it? In this moving episode, Forrest is joined by renowned couples therapist Terry Real to explore how we can build deeper, more meaningful connections.
They unpack key concepts from Relational Life Therapy, including the shift from “me” to “us,” the difference between the adaptive child and wise adult, and how to stay grounded during conflict through relational mindfulness. Terry explains how individualism and patriarchal conditioning fuel disconnection, and how therapy can help couples move from power struggles to true collaboration. A highlight of the episode is a live experiential process, where Terry guides Forrest through some inner child work.
About our Guest: Terry Real is a family therapist, speaker, and bestselling author known for his groundbreaking work on men, masculinity, and relationships. He is the founder of Relational Life Therapy (RLT) and the author of several books including The New Rules of Marriage and Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship.
Key Topics:
0:00: Introduction
1:34: Systemic thinking in therapy, and the cultural forces that shape relationships
9:00: RLT and confrontation in therapy
12:58: The Adaptive Child, Wise Adult, and how internal parts shape how we relate
17:13: Relational mindfulness, and moving from 'me' to 'us'
27:12: Fierce intimacy: why telling the truth is more loving than being “nice”
30:16: Psychological patriarchy, and how it ruins our relationships
43:28: Experiential process: Terry guides Forrest through inner child work
54:07: How patriarchal norms distort emotional connection for men
1:06:24: Recap
Rick’s Change Your Mind Course: Learn how to break old scripts, get some space around self-doubting thoughts, and act in a new way. Six-week course starts June 21, learn more about it at RickHanson.com/changing. Use coupon code BeingWell25 to receive 25% off.
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Being Well with Forrest Hanson and Dr. Rick Hanson 
