Being Well with Forrest Hanson and Dr. Rick Hanson

Terry Real: Relationships, Trauma, and Inner Child Work

114 snips

Jun 9, 2025

Terry Real, a renowned family therapist and author known for his work on masculinity and relationships, dives into the factors that sabotage intimacy. He discusses the shift from 'me' to 'us' and emphasizes the importance of relational mindfulness in overcoming conflicts. Real introduces concepts like the Adaptive Child and Wise Adult, shedding light on how childhood experiences shape adult relationships. A standout moment includes an engaging inner child exercise that invites deeper emotional connection. Prepare to rethink your approach to nurturing relationships!

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INSIGHT

We Are an Ecosystem

Humans are not isolated individuals but part of an interconnected ecosystem.
Relationships function as biospheres affecting our well-being and demand cooperation over competition.

ADVICE

Use Subjective Requests in Conflict

Speak subjectively to soften conflict and make requests instead of complaints.
Shift from fighting to teamwork for faster, more effective conflict resolution.

INSIGHT

Adaptive Child vs. Wise Adult

The "adaptive child" acts automatically to protect us but hinders intimacy.
The "wise adult" uses reason and mindfulness to regulate emotional flooding.

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What gets in the way of truly intimate, healthy relationships…and what can we do about it? In this moving episode, Forrest is joined by renowned couples therapist Terry Real to explore how we can build deeper, more meaningful connections.

They unpack key concepts from Relational Life Therapy, including the shift from “me” to “us,” the difference between the adaptive child and wise adult, and how to stay grounded during conflict through relational mindfulness. Terry explains how individualism and patriarchal conditioning fuel disconnection, and how therapy can help couples move from power struggles to true collaboration. A highlight of the episode is a live experiential process, where Terry guides Forrest through some inner child work.

About our Guest: Terry Real is a family therapist, speaker, and bestselling author known for his groundbreaking work on men, masculinity, and relationships. He is the founder of Relational Life Therapy (RLT) and the author of several books including The New Rules of Marriage and Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship.

Key Topics:

0:00: Introduction

1:34: Systemic thinking in therapy, and the cultural forces that shape relationships

9:00: RLT and confrontation in therapy

12:58: The Adaptive Child, Wise Adult, and how internal parts shape how we relate

17:13: Relational mindfulness, and moving from 'me' to 'us'

27:12: Fierce intimacy: why telling the truth is more loving than being “nice”

30:16: Psychological patriarchy, and how it ruins our relationships

43:28: Experiential process: Terry guides Forrest through inner child work

54:07: How patriarchal norms distort emotional connection for men

1:06:24: Recap

Rick’s Change Your Mind Course: Learn how to break old scripts, get some space around self-doubting thoughts, and act in a new way. Six-week course starts June 21, learn more about it at RickHanson.com/changing. Use coupon code BeingWell25 to receive 25% off.

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