Brené with Drs. John and Julie Gottman on What Makes Love Last
Feb 3, 2021
01:24:21
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Drs. John and Julie Gottman share insights on successful relationships, communication, and conflict resolution. They discuss building a culture of appreciation, navigating control and criticism, and exploring vulnerability. The podcast delves into personal anecdotes, gratitude, and the mathematical aspects of love.
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Quick takeaways
Importance of creating a strong foundation of friendship and partnership in relationships.
Ability to predict relationship longevity based on initial interactions and conflict resolution dynamics.
Nurturing curiosity, appreciation, and continual learning about each other's evolving needs to maintain a healthy and connected relationship.
Deep dives
Importance of Building a Strong Foundation in Relationships
Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottman, experts in relationship research, emphasize the significance of creating a solid friendship and partnership in relationships. Their breakthrough research on marital stability and divorce prediction for over 40 years connects practical teachings about conflict resolution and creating connection. They stress the importance of appreciation, respect, and a foundational friendship in maintaining successful and loving relationships.
The Power of Early Predictions in Relationship Longevity
Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottman's research shows that within the first three minutes of a couple's interaction, they can predict with a 90% accuracy the longevity and health of the relationship. By observing the dynamics and behaviors during a conflict, the Gottmans can identify potential challenges and strengths. This early prediction can serve as a wakeup call to address conflicts and nurture the relationship.
Challenges During the Pandemic and the Importance of Curiosity
The pandemic has put strain on relationships, leading to increased domestic violence and criticism. However, some couples are utilizing this time to deepen their connection and have deeper conversations. The Gottmans stress the need for curiosity in relationships, as partners evolve over time. They encourage continuous learning about each other's changing needs, values, and perspectives to keep the friendship alive and maintain a strong connection.
The Importance of Deep Friendship and Appreciation
The podcast emphasizes the significance of deep friendship and appreciation as the foundation for a healthy relationship. It highlights how couples who maintain connection, playfulness, and adventure learning together experience a strong bond, not just during conflicts, but in their everyday interactions. The episode stresses the importance of building a sound relationship house that includes trust and commitment, rather than relying on quick tips and tricks.
The Four Horsemen and Predictors of Relationship Health
The podcast discusses the four horsemen of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling that can be detrimental to relationships. It explains how these behaviors predict the future of a relationship with over 90% accuracy. Additionally, it delves into the importance of continued interest and curiosity in one another, expressing emotions, and taking breaks during conflicts. The episode also mentions that a lack of passion and curiosity in a de-vitalized marriage can lead to troubles, highlighting the need for continuous emotional connection and friendship.
Drs. Julie and John Gottman have taken more than 40 years of breakthrough research and written or co-written more than 40 books on marital stability, divorce prediction, and how science can help people have successful, loving relationships. We talk about the toll the pandemic has taken on couples, their work in the context of current events, and practical shifts that can help us take care of each other.