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Life's fragility and beauty are inseparable from its tough emotions. In order to fully navigate life, we must strengthen our capability to embrace the entire spectrum of emotions, even the uncomfortable ones that we tend to avoid. Society often perpetuates the idea that only positive emotions are desirable, but this mindset overlooks the fact that toughness and discomfort are an integral part of growth and success. By developing emotional agility, we can move beyond the labeling of emotions as good or bad and instead focus on understanding their underlying causes and values. This allows us to make conscious choices and respond effectively, ultimately leading to a more fulfilled and mindful life.
The stories we tell ourselves about ourselves have a profound impact on our lives. These stories shape our perceptions and behaviors, often leading to emotional rigidity. When we hook onto our thoughts, emotions, and stories, we lose the space between stimulus and response, and we become reactive rather than responsive. The key is to step back and become an observer of our thoughts, allowing us to notice the stories and emotions for what they are instead of being controlled by them. By developing a deeper understanding of our stories and labels, and by embracing the full spectrum of our experiences, we can start to unhook ourselves from their limiting influence and gain clarity and freedom.
Becoming aware of the power of choice is a crucial step in breaking free from emotional rigidity. By realizing that we have the ability to respond rather than react, we can start to separate ourselves from our thoughts and emotions. Mindfulness practices and meditation can help cultivate this ability to observe our thoughts and emotions without becoming entangled in them. By labeling our emotions accurately and recognizing their causes, we gain insight and clarity, enabling us to make choices aligned with our values rather than being driven solely by our stories and past conditioning.
Our culture often promotes the idea of constant positivity, framing negative emotions as undesirable and something to be avoided. However, research shows that denying or suppressing tough emotions can be detrimental to our overall well-being. It is crucial to challenge this culture of positivity and acknowledge that tough emotions are a natural part of the human experience. By embracing and processing these emotions, we can develop resilience, deepen our understanding of ourselves, and live more authentically. This shift towards emotional agility requires a shift in mindset, allowing us to recognize that the full range of emotions has value and purpose in our lives.
Emotional agility is the ability to be with your thoughts, emotions, and stories in ways that are compassionate, curious, and courageous. It involves recognizing and accepting all emotions, including the difficult ones, as part of being human. By letting go of judgments and avoiding the struggle to be positive all the time, we can create space for growth and authentic happiness.
Emotional rigidity can hinder our ability to connect with others and be compassionate. When we are hooked on being right, we lose sight of the bigger picture and prevent meaningful conversations from taking place. By dropping the rope and focusing on actions that are in line with our values, we can break free from emotional rigidity and cultivate healthier relationships.
The teeter-totter principle emphasizes the importance of finding a balance between over competence and over challenge. By working at the edge of our abilities, we can experience growth and fulfillment. This involves embracing both breadth (trying new things) and depth (going deeper) in various aspects of our lives, such as work, relationships, and personal development.
The way we navigate our inner world – our everyday thoughts, emotions, and self-stories – is the single most important determinant of our life success. It drives our actions, careers, relationships, happiness, health; everything. For example: Do we let our self-doubts, failings, shame, fear, or anger hold us back? Can we be determined, persevering toward key life goals, but just as importantly, have the insight and courage to recognize when these goals are not serving us, and adapt?
According to this week's guest, the key to successfully navigating our inner world isn't immunizing ourselves against stress and setbacks. And it doesn't involve ignoring uncomfortable feelings. Instead, it's developing something called emotional agility – the teachable ability to confront difficult emotions, gain critical self-insight from these feelings, and ultimately use this newfound awareness to adaptively align our values with our actions and make changes to bring the best of ourselves forward.
A pioneer in her field, Susan David, Ph.D is an award-winning psychologist on faculty at Harvard Medical School, CEO of Evidence Based Psychology and co-founder of the Institute of Coaching (an affiliate of Harvard Medical School). She also serves on the Scientific Advisory Boards of both Thrive Global and Virgin Pulse.
In addition, Susan is the author of the #1 Wall Street Journal bestseller, Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life*. Based on a concept Harvard Business Review heralded as a Management Idea of the Year, it's a powerful roadmap for real behavioral change — a new way of acting that will help you to reincorporate your most troubling feelings as a source of energy and creativity, and live your most successful life whoever you are and whatever you face.
Susan is a frequent contributor to the Harvard Business Review, New York Times, Washington Post, and Wall Street Journal. She is a sought-after speaker and consultant, with clients that include the World Economic Forum, the United Nations, Google, Microsoft, NASDAQ, and many others.
If you are new to Susan, start with her moving TED Talk, The Gift and Power of Emotional Courage. A viral sensation and the inspiration for me seeking her out for the podcast, it's accumulated almost 2 million views in the month since it's online publication.
This is a conversation about Susan’s life growing up in a South Africa divided by Apartheid, and how this experience informs her work today.
It’s about how and why our emotional landscape, the everyday thoughts and stories we often hide from the world and oftentimes ourselves, are the single most important determinant of life success. And why navigating life’s twists and turns with self-acceptance, clear-sightedness, and an open mind leads to empowerment and agency.
It's about why we must overcome the urge to ignore difficult emotions and behaviors to instead face them willingly, as a neutral observer, with curiosity and kindness.
It's about identifying your core values as a path to willpower, resilience and effectiveness.
And it's about how developing this skill called emotional agility – essentially mastery over our emotions, thoughts and stories — can benefit not just ourselves but our children, helping even our youngest become better problem solvers.
Enjoy!
Rich
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