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The Gottmans: “Contempt DESTROYS Your Immune System” - Are You REALLY Listening to Your Partner??

Oct 8, 2024

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher, and Dr. Julie Gottman, a clinical psychologist, share invaluable insights on relationship dynamics. They reveal how contempt can devastate your health and discuss the importance of emotional intelligence for love. Debunking myths, they explain that resolving conflict effectively is crucial. The Gottmans introduce their methods for enhancing intimacy and provide practical advice, including the necessity of small affectionate rituals and the significance of understanding differing conflict styles.

01:40:31

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INSIGHT

Committed Relationships Boost Health

Trust and committed relationships add 15–17 years of longevity and reduce fear responses.
Commitment provides strong health and stress-buffering benefits across sexual orientations.

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ADVICE

Answer Your Partner's Small Bids

Respond to your partner's bids for attention instead of ignoring them.
Small moments of turning toward predict whether a marriage will stay together.

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ADVICE

Use Short Affection Rituals Daily

Use brief affectionate rituals like a six-second kiss or a peck to boost oxytocin and connection.
Small daily gestures give mutual health and relationship benefits.

Get the Snipd Podcast app to discover more snips from this episode

Is Marriage Outdated and Who Chooses to Marry?

02:46 • 8min

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Defining a Successful Marriage

10:26 • 4min

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How Many Couples Are Truly Happy?

14:00 • 3min

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Matchmaking Insights and the 360 Analysis

16:35 • 5min

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What the Love Lab Is and What It Revealed

21:41 • 4min

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Turning Toward vs. Turning Away: The Power of Small Moments

26:03 • 1min

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The Six-Second Kiss and Daily Rituals

27:19 • 3min

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Applying Research Consciously in Marriage

30:40 • 3min

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What the Love Lab Taught About Sex and Intimacy

33:52 • 5min

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The Importance and Mechanics of Date Night

38:53 • 7min

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Seven Principles for a Healthy Relationship

46:18 • 4min

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Why Couples Fight and How Conflict Functions

49:55 • 2min

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Conflict Styles and the Five-to-One Ratio

51:50 • 5min

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Myths About Conflict and Compatibility

56:24 • 4min

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Understanding Gridlocked Conflicts with Six Questions

01:00:26 • 5min

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Example: Resolving a Vacation Home Disagreement

01:05:21 • 2min

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How to Repair Deep Emotional Injuries After Fights

01:07:24 • 5min

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Accessibility of Therapy and Digital Tools

01:12:08 • 2min

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The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling

01:14:09 • 5min

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Flooding, Gender Differences, and Self-Soothing

01:19:01 • 4min

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Why 'Never Go to Bed Angry' Is a Myth

01:22:54 • 32sec

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Can Couples Heal After Infidelity?

01:23:26 • 7min

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Recognizing When a Relationship Is Failing

01:30:30 • 2min

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Making Evidence-Based Relationship Help Affordable

01:32:49 • 26sec

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Most Memorable Conversations That Changed Them

01:33:15 • 4min

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Key Takeaways and Health Implications of Relationship Quality

• Mentioned in 2 episodes

The Science of Kissing

What Our Lips Are Telling Us

Sheril Kirshenbaum

In 'The Science of Kissing: What Our Lips Are Telling Us', Sheril Kirshenbaum delves into the multifaceted world of kissing, addressing questions such as when humans began to kiss, why kissing is integral to some cultures and alien to others, and the biological and psychological effects of kissing. The book draws upon classical history, evolutionary biology, psychology, and popular culture to provide a comprehensive and engaging look at this universal human behavior. Kirshenbaum's work is informed by the latest studies and theories, making the book appealing to both romantics and armchair scientists.

#2267

• Mentioned in 14 episodes

Eight Dates

Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

John Gottman

Julie Schwartz Gottman

In 'Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love', John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman provide a step-by-step guide to help couples navigate the challenges of long-term commitment. Drawing from their extensive research at the Love Lab, the authors outline eight essential conversations that couples should have to build a strong and lasting relationship. Each date is designed to address a different critical topic, including trust, conflict, intimacy, finances, family, adventure, spirituality, and dreams. The book includes exercises, open-ended discussion questions, and suggestions for where to have these dates, aiming to foster deeper understanding, empathy, and connection between partners.

In this episode, Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottman, world-renowned relationship experts and founders of The Gottman Institute, share their research-based insights into what truly makes relationships work. With over 50 years of research on marital stability and parenting, they dive deep into key issues like how contempt can destroy your immune system, and why certain toxic behaviors—like criticism and stonewalling—are major red flags in relationships.

They also debunk common myths such as "Never go to bed angry" and explain how empathy and emotional intelligence are critical to lasting love.

The Gottmans provide practical advice on how to manage conflict, heal from childhood trauma, and create deeper emotional connections. Whether you're navigating daily disagreements or looking to rebuild trust after betrayal, this conversation is filled with valuable takeaways to help you strengthen your relationship and build a healthier, more fulfilling partnership.

Find the Gottmans here:

The Gottman Institute - https://g2ul0.app.link/H16ipH9ywNb

Instagram - https://g2ul0.app.link/CJZlSOczwNb

Follow me here:

https://www.instagram.com/needtotalk

https://www.tiktok.com/@weneedtotalkpod

Topics:

00:00 - Intro

02:02 - Do People Still Believe In Marriage Today?

09:23 - What Defines A Successful Marriage In Modern Times?

13:09 - What Percentage Of Couples Are Truly Happy In Their Relationships?

15:47 - Inside Paul’s Matchmaking Process On MAFS (Married At First Sight)

17:51 - Are Successful Couples Less Exciting? The Truth About Stability

21:24 - What Is The Love Lab And How Does It Work?

22:38 - Shocking Discoveries From The Love Lab: What Science Says About Love

26:18 - The Power Of The 'Six Second Kiss' In Relationships

29:38 - Do The Gottmans Use Their Own Research In Their Marriage?

32:51 - How Important Is Sex For A Healthy Relationship?

37:46 - Why Date Night Matters More Than You Think

40:37 - The Ingredients Of A Perfect Date: How To Get It Right

43:03 - Paul's Ultimate First Date Test: Does It Predict Success?

45:52 - The Key Principles Of A Successful Marriage Revealed

49:46 - The Top Reason Couples Fight And How To Avoid It

50:45 - The Different Conflict Styles In Marriage: Which One Are You?

55:27 - Is Conflict Good For Your Relationship? Here’s The Answer

57:22 - How Important Is Compatibility In A Relationship?

58:40 - The Questions You Should Ask To Truly Understand Your Partner

01:06:16 - How To Resolve Conflicts And Strengthen Your Relationship

01:08:57 - Should You Stay With A Partner Who Won't Resolve Conflicts?

01:11:10 - Tinder Ad: How Modern Dating Apps Are Changing Relationships

01:12:12 - The Four Horsemen Of Relationships And Why Contempt Is The Worst

01:14:47 - When Is It Time To End A Relationship? Key Signs To Watch For

01:16:24 - What Is Flooding In Relationships And How To Manage It

01:18:46 - How To Self-Soothe When You’re Emotionally Overwhelmed

01:21:17 - Should You 'Never Go To Bed Angry'? The Real Answer

01:22:22 - Can You Rebuild Trust After Infidelity? Here’s How

01:28:33 - How To Know If Your Relationship Is Failing: Warning Signs

01:31:26 - What’s The Most Memorable Relationship Conversation You’ve Had?

01:35:00 - Outro

01:35:28 - Paul’s Final Takeaways On Love And Relationships