The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling

In this episode, Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottman, world-renowned relationship experts and founders of The Gottman Institute, share their research-based insights into what truly makes relationships work. With over 50 years of research on marital stability and parenting, they dive deep into key issues like how contempt can destroy your immune system, and why certain toxic behaviors—like criticism and stonewalling—are major red flags in relationships.

They also debunk common myths such as "Never go to bed angry" and explain how empathy and emotional intelligence are critical to lasting love.

The Gottmans provide practical advice on how to manage conflict, heal from childhood trauma, and create deeper emotional connections. Whether you're navigating daily disagreements or looking to rebuild trust after betrayal, this conversation is filled with valuable takeaways to help you strengthen your relationship and build a healthier, more fulfilling partnership.

Find the Gottmans here:

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Instagram - https://g2ul0.app.link/CJZlSOczwNb

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Topics:

00:00 - Intro  

02:02 - Do People Still Believe In Marriage Today?  

09:23 - What Defines A Successful Marriage In Modern Times?  

13:09 - What Percentage Of Couples Are Truly Happy In Their Relationships?  

15:47 - Inside Paul’s Matchmaking Process On MAFS (Married At First Sight)  

17:51 - Are Successful Couples Less Exciting? The Truth About Stability  

21:24 - What Is The Love Lab And How Does It Work?  

22:38 - Shocking Discoveries From The Love Lab: What Science Says About Love  

26:18 - The Power Of The 'Six Second Kiss' In Relationships  

29:38 - Do The Gottmans Use Their Own Research In Their Marriage?  

32:51 - How Important Is Sex For A Healthy Relationship?  

37:46 - Why Date Night Matters More Than You Think  

40:37 - The Ingredients Of A Perfect Date: How To Get It Right  

43:03 - Paul's Ultimate First Date Test: Does It Predict Success?  

45:52 - The Key Principles Of A Successful Marriage Revealed  

49:46 - The Top Reason Couples Fight And How To Avoid It  

50:45 - The Different Conflict Styles In Marriage: Which One Are You?  

55:27 - Is Conflict Good For Your Relationship? Here’s The Answer  

57:22 - How Important Is Compatibility In A Relationship?  

58:40 - The Questions You Should Ask To Truly Understand Your Partner  

01:06:16 - How To Resolve Conflicts And Strengthen Your Relationship  

01:08:57 - Should You Stay With A Partner Who Won't Resolve Conflicts?  

01:11:10 - Tinder Ad: How Modern Dating Apps Are Changing Relationships  

01:12:12 - The Four Horsemen Of Relationships And Why Contempt Is The Worst  

01:14:47 - When Is It Time To End A Relationship? Key Signs To Watch For  

01:16:24 - What Is Flooding In Relationships And How To Manage It  

01:18:46 - How To Self-Soothe When You’re Emotionally Overwhelmed  

01:21:17 - Should You 'Never Go To Bed Angry'? The Real Answer  

01:22:22 - Can You Rebuild Trust After Infidelity? Here’s How  

01:28:33 - How To Know If Your Relationship Is Failing: Warning Signs  

01:31:26 - What’s The Most Memorable Relationship Conversation You’ve Had?  

01:35:00 - Outro  

01:35:28 - Paul’s Final Takeaways On Love And Relationships

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