Harvard psychologist Susan David joins Adam Grant to discuss emotional agility and the risks of suppressing unwanted emotions. They explore the impact of teaching emotional skills in schools, the importance of adopting a non-pessimistic perspective, and the value of negative emotions like guilt. They also discuss empathy, compassion, and avoiding burnout, as well as the concept of emotional agility and the role of interpersonal dynamics in unpleasant emotions.
Suppressing or ignoring negative emotions can lead to a lack of wisdom and learning, as well as hinder meaningful conversations and understanding shared values.
Understanding guilt and its underlying message can help us navigate our emotions with greater wisdom and align our actions with our values.
Deep dives
The Importance of Emotional Skills
Emotional skills have historically been denigrated as soft skills and pushed aside. This has led to a lack of emphasis on teaching emotional skills in schools. However, emotional skills are essential for navigating a changing world and adapting to different situations. Emotion suppression and brooding are two ineffective strategies for managing unpleasant emotions. Emotion suppression involves bottling emotions and viewing them as negative, while brooding involves being consumed by difficult emotions without effectively dealing with them. Both strategies can have negative long-term impacts on well-being and relationships.
The Power of Guilt as an Emotion
Guilt is an underrated unpleasant emotion that often gets dismissed or suppressed. It serves as a subtle cue that there is a dissonance between our values and our actions. Guilt can indicate that something important to us is being neglected or hindered. Rather than seeing guilt as a negative emotion, it can be viewed as a signpost for personal growth and moral clarity. Understanding guilt and its underlying message can help us navigate our emotions with greater wisdom and align our actions with our values.
The Tyranny of Positivity and the Importance of Authenticity
Forced positivity and the pressure to always be in a good mood can be harmful. This culture of toxic positivity denies the reality of difficult emotions and avoids addressing challenging situations. Suppressing or ignoring negative emotions can lead to a lack of wisdom and learning, as well as hinder meaningful conversations and understanding shared values. Embracing the full range of emotions, including sadness, anger, and grief, allows for authenticity and creates space for growth, resilience, and genuine connections with others.
Taking Ownership of Our Emotions
Blaming others for our emotions is disempowering and denies our agency in how we respond. It is important to recognize that while others can influence how we feel, ultimately we have a choice in how we react and behave. By embracing emotional intelligence and accepting responsibility for our emotions, we can develop resilience, wisdom, and accountability. Understanding the nuances of our emotions and taking intentional actions aligned with our values allows us to navigate relationships and challenging situations with greater clarity and effectiveness.
You don’t always decide what you feel, but you do own how you react to those feelings. In her bestselling book and TED Talk, Harvard Medical School psychologist Susan David examines the skills involved in emotional agility. She and Adam go deep on this topic, discussing the risks of judging and suppressing unwanted emotions — and effective techniques for managing them. They explore why optimism is not essential to well-being and how to overcome pressure to be positive. And they reveal how paying attention to what you feel can reveal what you value. Transcripts for ReThinking are available at go.ted.com/RWAGscripts