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#703: Sheila Heen — How to Master the Difficult Art of Receiving (and Giving) Feedback

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Nov 9, 2023

Guest

Sheila Heen

Sheila Heen, founder of Triad Consulting Group and Harvard Law School professor, shares her expertise on navigating difficult conversations and the art of feedback. She outlines strategies for giving and receiving feedback effectively, emphasizing empathy and emotional awareness. With insights drawn from her work with top organizations like Pixar and the Obama White House, Sheila discusses the complexities of communication and how personal experiences shape our responses. A deep dive into the mutual responsibilities in feedback dynamics makes this conversation both enlightening and practical.

02:11:39

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ADVICE

Clarifying Feedback

Ask clarifying questions about feedback's meaning and intended outcome.
Explore the "why" behind feedback and its practical implications.

insights

INSIGHT

Handling Harsh Feedback

Name your emotional state when receiving harsh feedback to regain composure.
Asking "What do you feel like I don't get?" can quickly identify core issues.

question_answer

ANECDOTE

Sexual Harassment Story

Sheila Heen shares a personal story of sexual harassment during a work trip.
She changed her behavior, addressed the harasser directly, and regained control.

Get the Snipd Podcast app to discover more snips from this episode

Navigating Difficult Conversations and Feedback Dynamics

05:01 • 2min

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Navigating Difficult Conversations

07:20 • 25min

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Navigating Language and Feedback

32:22 • 6min

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Navigating the Nuances of Effective Feedback

38:20 • 3min

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Navigating Feedback Dynamics

41:10 • 18min

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Navigating Feedback and Conflict

59:01 • 13min

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Navigating Relationship Dynamics

01:11:57 • 22min

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The Journey of Timing in Love and Commitment

01:33:32 • 2min

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Navigating Deal Breakers in Early Dating

01:35:39 • 13min

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Cultivating Effective Gratitude and Feedback

01:48:41 • 12min

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The Power of Feedback in Growth

02:00:44 • 11min

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#609

• Mentioned in 30 episodes

Difficult Conversations

How to Discuss What Matters Most

This book provides a step-by-step approach to having tough conversations with less stress and more success. It covers how to decipher the underlying structure of difficult conversations, raise tough issues without triggering defensiveness, manage strong emotions, and keep balance regardless of the other person's response. The book is filled with examples from everyday life and addresses issues such as race, culture, gender, power, and communication via technology. It is designed to help readers improve oral communication in personal, professional, and public life.

#1981

• Mentioned in 13 episodes

Getting the Love You Want

A Guide for Couples

Harville Hendrix

Helen LaKelly Hunt

This book, written by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, explains how unconscious childhood experiences influence adult relationships. It suggests that people often choose partners who resemble their caregivers, hoping to resolve unfinished childhood issues. The authors provide a structured approach, including the 'Imago Dialogue,' to help couples communicate effectively, resolve power struggles, and heal early childhood wounds. The book combines behavioral science, depth psychology, social learning theory, Gestalt therapy, and interpersonal neuroscience to enhance closeness and fulfill relationships.

#1556

• Mentioned in 15 episodes

Thanks for the Feedback

The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well

Douglas Stone

Sheila Heen

#23

• Mentioned in 217 episodes

The War of Art

Break Through the Blocks and Win Your Inner Creative Battles

Steven Pressfield

In 'The War of Art', Steven Pressfield identifies the internal force of 'Resistance' that hinders creative endeavors. The book is divided into three sections: 'Resistance: Defining the Enemy', 'Combating Resistance: Turning Pro', and a final section that discusses the role of the muses and the battle between the Self and the Ego. Pressfield provides practical advice on recognizing and overcoming resistance, emphasizing the importance of professionalism, discipline, and continuous work in achieving creative success.

Brought to you by Nordic Naturals Ultimate Omega fish oil, Helix Sleep premium mattresses, and ShipStation shipping software.

Sheila Heen has spent the last three decades working to understand how people can better navigate conflict, with a particular specialty in difficult conversations.

She is a founder of Triad Consulting Group, a professor at Harvard Law School, and a co-author of Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well (even when it’s off base, unfair, poorly delivered, and, frankly, you’re not in the mood), with Douglas Stone, and Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, with Douglas Stone and Bruce Patton (with a newly updated third edition that was released in August).

Sheila and her colleagues at Triad work with leaders and organizations to build their capacity to have the conversations that matter most. Her clients have included Pixar, American Express, the NBA, the Singapore Supreme Court, the Obama White House, and theologians struggling with the nature of truth and God.

She is schooled in negotiation daily by her three children. You can find my first conversation with Sheila at tim.blog/SheilaHeen.

Please enjoy!

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[07:01] Conversations are the relationship.

[08:12] How should we talk about feedback?

[11:16] De-escalating the ask.

[13:30] Addressing victim-blaming feedback for the new edition of Difficult Conversations.

[28:48] How I’ve dealt with reader (and proofreader) feedback.

[41:18] Making use of the three types of feedback.

[49:05] Received difficult feedback? Phone a friend.

[54:36] Discovering a good/bad match early in the dating game.

[00:59:30] How I’ve traditionally handled conflict and stress.

[1:07:50] The conundrum of feedback’s source.

[1:09:03] Three triggered reactions to feedback.

[1:12:09] The you plus me combination.