The Tim Ferriss Show

#703: Sheila Heen — How to Master the Difficult Art of Receiving (and Giving) Feedback

Nov 9, 2023

Sheila Heen, founder of Triad Consulting Group and Harvard Law School professor, shares her expertise on navigating difficult conversations and the art of feedback. She outlines strategies for giving and receiving feedback effectively, emphasizing empathy and emotional awareness. With insights drawn from her work with top organizations like Pixar and the Obama White House, Sheila discusses the complexities of communication and how personal experiences shape our responses. A deep dive into the mutual responsibilities in feedback dynamics makes this conversation both enlightening and practical.

02:11:39

Episode guests

Sheila Heen

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Quick takeaways

Understanding and considering feedback without immediately rejecting it can be valuable for personal growth and learning.

Approaching feedback by using the 'phone a friend' technique can help process emotions, see what might be right about the feedback, and provide constructive insights.

Carefully considering feedback, seeking input from trusted individuals, and separating what's helpful from what's not can enhance personal growth and learning.

Clear communication, articulating specific needs and intentions when giving or requesting feedback, is essential for effective feedback exchanges.

Establishing boundaries in relationships, respecting each other's boundaries, and avoiding hurtful behavior can contribute to a stronger and more harmonious partnership.

Deep dives

The Importance of Receiving Feedback Well

Receiving feedback effectively is crucial for personal growth and learning. Often, our initial reaction is to focus on what's wrong with the feedback and dismiss it. However, understanding and considering the feedback without immediately rejecting it can be valuable. One way to approach this is by using the "phone a friend" technique. This involves reaching out to a trusted friend who can serve as a supportive mirror. They can help us see what might be wrong with the feedback, allowing us to process our emotions and feel better. Then, when we're ready, they can become an honest mirror, helping us see what might be right about the feedback and providing constructive insights. By seeking different perspectives and considering the feedback more objectively, we can learn and grow from it.

Naming Surprises and Emotions

01:11

How to get the best out of me: templates and feedback culture

03:16

Differentiating between coaching and evaluation (hearing judgement is a personality problem)

00:35

The Importance of Clear Feedback in Proofreading

01:42

Intro

5min

Navigating Difficult Conversations and Feedback Dynamics

2min

Navigating Difficult Conversations

25min

Navigating Language and Feedback

6min

Navigating the Nuances of Effective Feedback

3min

Navigating Feedback Dynamics

18min

Navigating Feedback and Conflict

13min

Navigating Relationship Dynamics

22min

The Journey of Timing in Love and Commitment

2min

10.

Navigating Deal Breakers in Early Dating

13min

11.

Cultivating Effective Gratitude and Feedback

12min

12.

The Power of Feedback in Growth

11min

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Sheila Heen has spent the last three decades working to understand how people can better navigate conflict, with a particular specialty in difficult conversations.

She is a founder of Triad Consulting Group, a professor at Harvard Law School, and a co-author of Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well (even when it’s off base, unfair, poorly delivered, and, frankly, you’re not in the mood), with Douglas Stone, and Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, with Douglas Stone and Bruce Patton (with a newly updated third edition that was released in August).

Sheila and her colleagues at Triad work with leaders and organizations to build their capacity to have the conversations that matter most. Her clients have included Pixar, American Express, the NBA, the Singapore Supreme Court, the Obama White House, and theologians struggling with the nature of truth and God.

She is schooled in negotiation daily by her three children. You can find my first conversation with Sheila at tim.blog/SheilaHeen.

Please enjoy!

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[07:01] Conversations are the relationship.

[08:12] How should we talk about feedback?

[11:16] De-escalating the ask.

[13:30] Addressing victim-blaming feedback for the new edition of Difficult Conversations.

[28:48] How I’ve dealt with reader (and proofreader) feedback.

[41:18] Making use of the three types of feedback.

[49:05] Received difficult feedback? Phone a friend.

[54:36] Discovering a good/bad match early in the dating game.

[00:59:30] How I’ve traditionally handled conflict and stress.

[1:07:50] The conundrum of feedback’s source.

[1:09:03] Three triggered reactions to feedback.

[1:12:09] The you plus me combination.