Episode 267: Why Evangelical Marriage Advice Often Backfires

29 snips

Jan 23, 2025

Discover the pitfalls of traditional evangelical marriage advice, which often leads to dissatisfaction. The discussion challenges harmful gender roles and stereotypes that hinder healthy relationships. Personal stories reveal the negative impact of unrealistic expectations. Delve into the importance of setting boundaries and mutual respect, especially in unhealthy dynamics. The hosts advocate for evidence-based insights and a reevaluation of outdated teachings, promoting genuine intimacy and emotional fulfillment in marriage.

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INSIGHT

Commitment vs. Connection

Many evangelical marriage books emphasize commitment over connection.
This focus may explain why some Christian marriages struggle despite commitment.

INSIGHT

Secular Marriage Focus

Secular marriage books rarely discuss commitment.
They focus on building skills for a fulfilling marriage, implying commitment follows naturally.

INSIGHT

Faulty Premise

Unhealthy evangelical marriage books share a faulty premise about male authority.
This premise leads to toxic teachings that harm marriages.

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The Love Dare

Alex Kendrick

Stephen Kendrick

The Love Dare is a 40-day plan of action designed to help couples improve their marriages by fostering unconditional love. The book, which was central to the plot of the movie 'Fireproof', provides daily challenges or 'dares' that encourage spouses to demonstrate love and kindness to each other. Each day focuses on a different aspect of love, such as patience, kindness, and forgiveness, and includes scripture, a statement of principle, and a specific dare to perform. The book is rooted in Christian principles and emphasizes the importance of God in marriage. It aims to help couples, whether their marriage is healthy or struggling, to deepen their intimacy and commitment to one another.

Every Man's Battle

Stephen Arterburn

Fred Stoeker

Mike Yorkey

Every Man's Battle addresses the issue of sexual temptation head-on, providing a detailed plan for men to re-align their eyes, mind, and heart with God's standard. The book shares stories of men who have escaped the trap of sexual immorality and offers practical steps for combating temptation. It includes a companion workbook for individuals and men's groups, focusing on Bible study, personal life examination, and the application of biblical truth to achieve purity in a sexually saturated culture.

Boundaries in Marriage

Understanding the Choices That Make or Break Loving Relationships

Dr. John Townsend

Henry Cloud

Boundaries in Marriage by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend teaches couples how to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. The book explains that most marital conflicts arise from boundary issues and shows how setting boundaries can protect individuals and promote love. It covers topics such as setting personal boundaries, respecting each other's freedom, establishing values for a healthy marriage, and dealing with a spouse who resists boundaries. The authors provide practical advice and examples to help couples apply boundary concepts to their marriages[1][4][5].

A Lifelong Love

Nathanael White

Gary Thomas

Every Heart Restored

Fred and Brenda Stoeker

Steve Arterburn

The Resolution for Men and Women

The Kendrick Brothers

You and Me Forever

Lisa and Francis Chan

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert

John Gottman

Nan Silver

This book, written by John Gottman and Nan Silver, is based on Gottman's extensive research on couples and their relationships. It outlines seven principles that couples can follow to nurture their friendship, resolve conflicts effectively, and create a shared sense of meaning. The principles include enhancing 'love maps,' nurturing fondness and admiration, turning toward each other, letting each other influence, solving solvable problems, overcoming gridlock, and creating shared meaning. The book also warns against the 'Four Horsemen' of criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, which can predict the demise of a marriage. Packed with exercises, questionnaires, and real-life examples, this guide helps couples improve their communication, intimacy, and overall relationship quality.

How We Love

null

Mylon Yurkovich

Kaye Yurkovich

How We Love delves into the complexities of human relationships, exploring various aspects of love, attachment, and intimacy. The authors offer insights into the dynamics of healthy and unhealthy relationships, providing practical tools and strategies for building stronger connections. The book emphasizes the importance of self-awareness, communication, and emotional intelligence in fostering fulfilling relationships. It challenges readers to examine their own patterns of relating and encourages them to cultivate more authentic and meaningful connections with others.

His Needs, Her Needs

Building an Affair-Proof Marriage

Willard F. Harley Jr.

In 'His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage', Willard F. Harley, Jr. identifies the ten most vital emotional needs of men and women in a marriage. He provides practical advice on how to meet these needs, emphasizing the importance of communication, mutual understanding, and fulfilling each other's needs to prevent dissatisfaction and infidelity. The book introduces concepts such as the 'Love Bank' and 'Fair Fight' to help couples manage conflicts and maintain a fulfilling relationship. Harley also discusses the need for continuous learning, adaptation, and affection to keep the romantic spark alive in long-term relationships.

For Women Only

Shaunti Feldhahn

The Marriage You Want

null

Sheila Rae Gregoire

Keith

Marriage on the Rock

Jimmy Evans

The Excellent Wife

Martha Peace

Love & Respect

The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs

Emerson Eggerichs

In 'Love & Respect,' Dr. Emerson Eggerichs argues that the primary emotional needs for men and women are different: men need respect, while women need love. The book introduces the concepts of the 'Crazy Cycle' and the 'Energizing Cycle' to explain how negative and positive communication patterns can impact a marriage. Eggerichs provides practical tips and exercises to help couples break down communication barriers, handle conflict, and foster a deeper love and respect for each other. The book is based on over three decades of counseling and research, and it aims to help couples achieve a more fulfilling and biblically grounded relationship.

Sacred Marriage

What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?

Gary Thomas

In 'Sacred Marriage,' Gary Thomas uncovers how marriage can become a doorway to a closer walk with God and each other. The book emphasizes that God's primary intent for marriage is not to make couples happy, but to make them holy. It provides insights from Scripture, church history, and Christian classics, along with practical advice to help couples transform their marital struggles into spiritual and personal growth. The book covers topics such as turning marital struggles into spiritual appreciation, loving with a stronger sense of purpose, and partnering in spiritual growth and character formation[1][3][4].