Emily Nagoski, a renowned sex educator and author of "Come as You Are," delves into the complexities of sexual desire and intimacy. She addresses how medications can affect libido, emphasizing the importance of emotional communication in relationships. Nagoski encourages scheduling intimate time, advocating for 'sex dates' to enhance connection. She dispels common myths about sex, offering actionable advice for individuals regardless of age or relationship status. Ultimately, she reframes societal views on desire, promoting a healthier understanding of intimacy.
Understanding that sexual desire can shift from spontaneous to responsive helps individuals cope with changes in their sex life.
Reframing cultural expectations around sex and prioritizing intimacy through scheduling can enhance overall sexual satisfaction in relationships.
Deep dives
Understanding Sexual Desire Changes
Sexual desire is not static and can fluctuate due to various life changes, including medication, anxiety, and stress levels. Emily Nagoski, a sex educator, emphasizes that it is normal for individuals, especially women, to experience a shift from spontaneous desire to what is known as responsive desire. This form of desire occurs when individuals may not feel initially inclined toward sexual activity but can become aroused through physical intimacy and connection. Understanding this shift helps individuals like Mimi, who is struggling with her sexual desire post-medication, to realize that changes in their sexual interests do not indicate something is wrong or broken.
Reframing Sex Expectations
Cultural narratives around sex often create unrealistic expectations, leading individuals to feel pressured to perform or meet certain standards. Nagoski points out that common metrics for a satisfying sex life, such as frequent orgasms or spontaneous desire, do not correlate with overall sexual satisfaction. In fact, she suggests reframing these definitions and incorporating practical strategies such as scheduling intimacy. Scheduling sex, rather than viewing it as unromantic, allows couples to prioritize their relationship amid busy lives and helps participants transition into the right mindset for intimacy.
Fostering Connection Beyond Orgasm
The pressure to achieve orgasm can detract from the overall enjoyment of sexual experiences, and Nagoski suggests removing this expectation to foster deeper intimacy. By focusing on connection, couples can explore their physical relationship without the added stress of performance. Techniques such as the 'six-second kiss' and '20-second hug' help reinforce emotional bonds, moving partners toward relaxation and intimacy. Creating a list of what activates or inhibits sexual desire allows couples to communicate openly and support each other in rebuilding their connection.
Ever since she started taking a new medication a few years ago, Meme is worried that she’s lost her sex drive. She still has a great relationship with her husband, but she isn’t interested in sex the way that she used to be, and she’s worried it’s hurting her marriage. On this episode of How To!, we bring on sex educator Emily Nagoski, author of Come as You Are, to coach Meme through how to revamp her sex life. For busy couples, you should actually schedule a time on your calendar to be intimate. “Think of like when you were dating…that was date sex,” Emily reminds us. She then breaks down the myths that so many of us have internalized about sex, and shares surprising tips to help anyone—no matter their age or relationship status—have better sex.
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Podcast production by Derek John, Rachael Allen, and Rosemary Belson.
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