Navigating Attachment, Fear, and Connection in a Divided World with Michelle Mays (Episode #55)

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Feb 26, 2025

In this engaging discussion, Michelle Mays, a licensed professional counselor and author of 'The Betrayal Bind,' explores the intricate relationship between betrayal trauma and attachment styles. She addresses how fear disrupts connections in personal relationships and society, advocating for empathy amid division. Michelle highlights the healing journey from disorganized to secure attachment and offers practical strategies for fostering deeper connections. Prepare for insights that challenge conventional views on communication and emotional awareness.

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INSIGHT

Fear and Attachment

Fear disrupts our attachment systems, especially regarding political divides.
High-stakes situations trigger fear and affect our ability to connect.

ADVICE

Pause and Orient

Pause and slow down to regulate your nervous system before reacting.
Orienting helps assess the situation and choose a calmer approach.

INSIGHT

Emotional Awareness

Recognizing underlying emotions, like fear, is crucial for navigating disagreements.
Focusing on emotional reality, rather than just thoughts, promotes better understanding.

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Navigating Attachment, Fear, and Connection

in a Divided World

In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner is joined by Michelle Mays, author of The Betrayal Bind, to discuss the impact of betrayal trauma on attachment and how attachment plays a broader role in our relationships and society. Michelle shares insights from her experience as a licensed professional counselor and creator of the Attachment-Focused Partner Betrayal Model.

The conversation delves into how fear affects our attachment systems, particularly in personal relationships and at a societal level. They explore how political and cultural divides create a sense of disconnection and anxiety, mirroring the dynamics seen in betrayal trauma. Michelle and Dr. Skinner discuss the importance of slowing down, recognizing fear-based responses, and fostering connection instead of falling into fight-or-flight behaviors.

The discussion also highlights how betrayed partners often experience disorganized attachment, where their primary source of safety becomes a source of danger. Michelle explains how healing involves moving from disorganization back to secure attachment, both with oneself and with others. The episode concludes with practical strategies for overcoming fear-driven disconnection and promoting deeper, more meaningful relationships.

Michelle also previews her upcoming talk at the Human Intimacy Conference*, where she will dive deeper into how attachment influences betrayal recovery and relationship repair.

Resources Discussed in This Episode:

1. Books & Authors:
- The Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays
- Rebuilding Your Relationship After Sexual Betrayal by Dr. Kevin Skinner
- Willpower by Roy Baumeister
- Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport
- Intimate Interactions (referenced in discussion)

2. Key Psychological Concepts:
- Attachment Theory (Bowlby, Shaver & Hazan)
- The Attachment-Focused Partner Betrayal Model (Michelle Mays)
- Disorganized Attachment & Betrayal Trauma
- Fight, Flight, Freeze Responses in Relationships
- Orienting Response & Nervous System Regulation

3. Practical Strategies for Listeners:
- Slowing down before reacting to emotional triggers
- Identifying personal fear responses (fight, flight, or freeze)
- Practicing digital minimalism—choosing when and how to consume media
- Prioritizing human connection over power struggles in relationships and society
- Using curiosity and open-ended questions to navigate disagreements
- Recognizing and addressing deeper emotional needs in relationships

4. Upcoming Event:
- The Human Intimacy Conference (March 14-15, 2025)
- Featuring Michelle Mays and other leading experts
- Early registration discount code: **50OFF** for $50 off

This episode challenges listeners to examine their own attachment patterns, reflect on their fear responses, and foster deeper connections in a world that often promotes disconnection.