The Human Intimacy Podcast

Facing the Storm: Emotional Ownership as a Path to Healing In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, dive into the powerful concept of emotional ownership. They discuss why betrayal often sparks a safety-seeking response—over-monitoring, controlling, or trying to manage a partner’s behavior—and why that’s a natural trauma reaction but unsustainable long term. Drawing on the buffalo and cow metaphor, they invite listeners to “face the storm” of emotions rather than avoid them. The conversation explores how shifting from blame (“You made me…”) to ownership (“I feel…”) empowers healing, restores boundaries, and opens the door to deeper connection. Whether in the aftermath of sexual betrayal or in everyday relationship struggles, emotional ownership offers a path to move from survival mode to resilience. The episode closes with a reflective question for listeners: Can your partner fix your emotions? Share your thoughts with the team at questions@humanintimacy.com. 📚 Resources Mentioned Book: Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal by Dr. Kevin Skinner – understanding trauma responses and healing. Book: Treating Sexual Addiction: A Compassionate Approach to Recovery by Dr. Kevin Skinner – how emotional ownership relates to recovery. Boundaries Course: Human Intimacy Boundaries Course – tools for identifying and practicing healthy boundaries (humanintimacy.com). Concept: Locus of Control – learning what’s within your reach to influence. Metaphor: The Buffalo and the Cow – choosing to face emotions rather than prolong suffering. 12-Step Principle: “Stay on your side of the street” – focusing on your growth instead of managing your partner’s.

Sexual Fantasies: Healthy Intimacy or Hidden Escape? In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis take a deep dive into the complex and often misunderstood world of sexual fantasy. Together, they explore important questions: When are fantasies healthy? When do they become problematic? Dr. Skinner explains that fantasy is a normal part of human sexuality and even essential for arousal, but emphasizes the importance of safety, trust, and presence in a relationship. MaryAnn highlights how childhood experiences, shame, and unmet needs can shape fantasies, sometimes leading them to serve as escapes from pain rather than tools for connection. The conversation covers: The difference between healthy and unhealthy fantasy. How betrayal trauma complicates trust when it comes to fantasy. Why understanding your “arousal template” matters. How vulnerability and communication can turn fantasy into a tool for intimacy rather than a source of division. The risks of sexual shame and the importance of creating safe, nonjudgmental dialogue. Whether you’re curious about your own fantasies, navigating betrayal trauma, or seeking to strengthen intimacy with your partner, this episode provides a thoughtful, compassionate perspective on one of the most vulnerable aspects of human sexuality. 📚 Resources Mentioned & Recommended The Couple’s Guide to Intimacy: How Sexual Reintegration Therapy Can Help Your Relationship Heal – Drs. Bill & Ginger Bercaw Mating in Captivity – Esther Perel The Seven Types of Intimacy in Action (upcoming book) – Dr. Kevin Skinner IITAP (International Institute of Trauma & Addiction Professionals) – https://www.iitap.com For questions or topic suggestions: questions@humanintimacy.com  

The Human Intimacy Podcast #80: The Hidden Cost of Secrets in Relationships In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, unpack the complex world of secrecy in relationships—why we keep secrets, what it does to us internally, and how it affects intimacy with our partners. They explore the hidden weight of secrecy and self-deception, showing how carrying secrets impacts not only relationships but also personal health, emotional well-being, and even the body. The conversation highlights: The psychology of secrecy — why people hide, lie, or deceive in the name of "protection." The toll on the body and mind — from anxiety and ulcers to exhaustion and emotional distance. The role of shame and fear — how vulnerability and the fear of rejection fuel secrecy. The ripple effects on intimacy — why hiding erodes trust and connection over time. Steps toward healing — the importance of accountability, support networks, and learning to share in safe, structured ways. Dr. Skinner and MaryAnn also discuss research insights (Pennebaker, Levine, Carnes, Lemke, Brown) and real-world examples, weaving in practical tools for couples and individuals navigating the painful terrain of secrecy and betrayal. Listeners will leave with a deeper understanding of why secrecy is so destructive—and hopeful strategies for stepping into authenticity, vulnerability, and healthier intimacy. 📚 Resources & References Dr. James Pennebaker – Research on expressive writing and the health costs of secrecy (Opening Up by Writing It Down). Dr. Peter Levine – In an Unspoken Voice (on the physiology of unprocessed emotions). Dr. Patrick Carnes – Foundational work on addiction and recovery; the impact of secrets and lack of structure in relapse. Dr. Anna Lembke – Dopamine Nation (on honesty, vulnerability, and the risks of overexposure). Dr. Brené Brown – Daring Greatly (on vulnerability, shame resilience, and “spotlighting”). Thich Nhat Hanh – Teachings on deep listening and authentic presence in relationships.

  It Didn’t Start With You: Breaking Generational Patterns and Healing the Past Summary: In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore the powerful concept of generational patterns and how our family history shapes our lives. Drawing on insights from Mark Wolynn’s book It Didn’t Start With You, they discuss the science of epigenetics, the influence of cellular memories, and how unresolved trauma, behaviors, and strengths can be passed down for generations. Through personal stories and client experiences, they show how mapping a genogram can reveal inherited patterns in health, relationships, addictions, and emotional responses. Most importantly, they share practical ways to break unhealthy cycles, embrace healthy habits, and become the “chain breaker” for future generations. Listeners will come away with tools for self-discovery, compassion toward their family history, and actionable steps to transform inherited patterns into a healthier legacy. Suggested Resources: Book: It Didn’t Start With You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle – Mark Wolynn Book: The Body Keeps the Score – Dr. Bessel van der Kolk Website: FamilySearch.org – Free tool for building family trees and discovering ancestral stories Article: “What is Epigenetics?” – CDC resource Tool: Genogram templates (available through many therapy and family mapping resources) Practice: Daily mindfulness or meditation for emotional regulation Exercise: Create your own genogram noting health history, relationships, addictions, and major life events across at least three generations

Rebuilding Us: Turning Conflict into Connection Podcast Summary: In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis dive deep into the essential relationship cycle of rupture, repair, responsibility, and rebuilding. Drawing from their personal experiences and clinical work, they explore how every relationship inevitably encounters conflict—not because something is wrong, but because two different people are sharing life together. Dr. Skinner and MaryAnn emphasize that conflict is often not about the surface issue (like toothpaste or hair gel), but rather unmet expectations, unspoken needs, and internal narratives we build over time. Using real-life stories and examples, they explore how couples can move beyond blame and defensiveness by embracing self-awareness, honest communication, and compassion—for themselves and each other. The episode also introduces the powerful concept of the “we problem,” encouraging couples to see relational issues as shared challenges rather than individual failures. Through intentional communication, ownership of feelings, and regular expressions of gratitude, couples can strengthen their bond and build a relationship that thrives—even after betrayal or rupture. Whether you’re newly married or have been together for decades, this episode is filled with practical wisdom and hopefor anyone who wants deeper, healthier, more resilient intimacy. Key Concepts Covered: Rupture is inevitable, but repair is a learned skill. What we fight about is often not the real issue—it’s unmet expectations or a need to feel heard and valued. True intimacy requires vulnerability, humility, and responsibility. “I” statements are powerful tools for conflict resolution. Shifting from a “you vs. me” to a “we” mindset transforms how couples face challenges. Emotional honesty means recognizing your own triggers before projecting onto your partner. Gratitude and daily appreciation can reignite positive connection. Healing after betrayal demands both partners do their inner work while also working on the relationship. Recommended Resources Mentioned: Books: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman (Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse framework) Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss (Empathy in high-stakes communication) Facing the Shadow by Dr. Patrick Carnes (betrayal and relationship recovery) Courses & Tools: HumanIntimacy.com — Online course: How to Communicate When You Don’t Know What to Say (Dr. Kevin Skinner) Reclaim: Healing from Betrayal and Rebuilding Your Life – Podcast and course Therapeutic Concepts Referenced: Gottman’s Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling Positive and Negative Sentiment Override (Dr. John Gottman) “We problems” vs. individual blame Emotional regulation and co-regulation Self-awareness before communication Reflection Questions for Listeners: What’s a recurring conflict in your relationship that might be about something deeper than the surface issue? How do you typically respond when you feel misunderstood—and what might a more self-aware response look like? What are three things your partner has done this week that you could show appreciation for?

Finding the Why: The Courage to Understand Betrayal When betrayal strikes, one of the first—and most painful—questions we ask is: Why? Why did they do this? Why am I reacting this way? Why does it still hurt? In this weeks episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore the emotional terrain beneath the question “Why?”—from both sides of betrayal. Whether you're the partner who was betrayed or the one who acted out, this conversation invites you to pause, look inward, and begin to understand the deeper patterns, pain, and unmet needs that often lie beneath surface behaviors. This episode is about more than answers. It’s about reclaiming clarity, self-awareness, and hope. It’s about finding the courage to ask honest questions—and the grace to explore them without judgment. Key Points from the Episode: The “Why” Is Often Complex: There's rarely a single reason behind betrayal. Stress, disconnection, childhood trauma, and emotional avoidance often intersect. Understanding ≠ Justifying: Explaining why something happened isn't about excusing it—it's about owning the story with honesty and accountability. Betrayed Partners Need to Know Why: Many betrayed partners seek the “why” not to forgive, but to feel safe—so it doesn’t happen again. Anger as a Messenger: Anger often masks deeper emotions like fear, grief, or feeling unlovable. Recognizing this helps both partners move toward healing. The Power of Insight: Recovery deepens when individuals identify their emotional triggers, patterns, and the moments they cross internal boundaries. The “Five Whys” Technique: Asking “Why?” five times in a row helps uncover the root belief or fear behind a reaction or behavior. The Body Remembers: Emotional memories can be stored somatically. Sometimes the why is felt before it's fully understood cognitively. Self-Compassion Matters: Whether you’re uncovering your own “why” or hearing your partner’s, approach the process with curiosity—not judgment. Tools & Resources Mentioned: Journaling Prompts for Insight: “What was I feeling right before I acted out or shut down?” “What does this experience say about me—and is that really true?” “What need was I trying to meet?” The 5 Whys Exercise (inspired by Toyota problem-solving method) Morning Pages – from The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron A daily writing practice to uncover unconscious thoughts and patterns. Books Referenced: The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg Willpower by Dr. Roy Baumeister Mindsight by Dr. Daniel Siegel Takeaway Message: Understanding your why—whether you’re the one healing from betrayal or the one seeking to make things right—is an act of courage. It’s not about blame. It’s about seeing clearly, feeling deeply, and choosing to heal with intention. For more information about Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn’s work please visit HumanIntimacy.com  

The Healing Power of Honesty: Trauma, Truth, and Relationship Repair Episode Summary: In this episode of The Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis take a deep dive into the role of honesty in trauma recovery and relational healing. The conversation begins with MaryAnn recounting a personal traumatic experience of being held at gunpoint and how it changed her sense of safety and interaction with the world. Together, they explore how honesty with ourselves and others helps reprocess trauma, fosters emotional congruence, and sets the foundation for mental and relational well-being. The discussion expands to topics such as the danger of minimizing experiences, the impact of secrets in relationships, the importance of safe disclosure, and the difference between radical honesty and emotionally responsible honesty. They address the nuances of when, how, and why to tell the truth—whether in moments of betrayal or in everyday interactions. Drawing from clinical experience and research, the hosts emphasize that honesty isn’t just about facts—it’s a healing process that reconnects us to ourselves and to those we love. Key Themes Covered: Trauma and the importance of finding safety after harm Emotional congruence and the danger of self-deception How dishonesty (even subtle) erodes trust and mental health The role of disclosure in healing betrayal trauma How to be honest without overwhelming or harming others The neuroscience of honesty and emotional regulation Rupture and repair as foundations for resilient relationships Balancing rigorous honesty with emotional responsibility Resources Mentioned: Quote by David Viscott: “If you lived honestly, your life would heal itself.” Book: Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody Explores how early life experiences shape adult behavior and emotional health. Book: Dopamine Nation by Dr. Anna Lembke Highlights how honesty activates the prefrontal cortex, aiding in emotional regulation and reducing compulsive behavior. 12-Step Traditions: Emphasis on "rigorous honesty" and the adage “We are as sick as our secrets.” Peggy Vaughan’s Research on Disclosure: Found that 86% of couples who openly talk about the details of betrayal stay together, compared to 55% who do not. Clinical concept: Rupture and Repair Healthy relationships aren't free of conflict; they thrive through honest repair. Therapeutic concept: Congruence (from Carl Rogers) Healing begins when our internal experience aligns with our external expression. Story from Patrick Carnes: A family laughing about a traumatic event illustrates the confusion caused by cognitive dissonance and emotional invalidation. Call to Action: Take a moment to reflect: Where might you be avoiding honesty with yourself or someone close to you? Are there unspoken truths or emotions that need a safe space to be acknowledged? Consider journaling or speaking with a trusted person or therapist about your experience. Being honest doesn’t mean being harsh—it means being real. And in that reality, healing begins.

Facing Fear: What’s Holding You Back from Healing and Connection? Episode Summary: In this episode of The Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn discuss a powerful and universal emotion—fear—and how it shapes our decisions, relationships, and personal growth. From the fear of being seen, rejected, or betrayed, to the fear of facing consequences or being alone, fear often acts as both a protector and a prison. Dr. Skinner opens with a personal story from his teenage years rogueing potatoes—a vivid metaphor for rooting out danger before it spreads. Together, he and MaryAnn explore how fear manifests physiologically through the autonomic nervous system, how it can become embedded through trauma or cultural messaging, and how it often drives behavior unconsciously. The episode dives into: How fear shows up in relationships after betrayal Why deception, gaslighting, and shame are often rooted in fear How childhood and intergenerational fear shape our worldview The difference between healthy fear and chronic fear The importance of boundaries as a path to safety and freedom A practical process for confronting fear: Find it, Face it, Flip it The value of fear as a gift that invites curiosity and awareness Listeners are encouraged to reflect on their own fears, identify where they might be living in survival mode, and consider what conversations or choices fear might be preventing them from having. Resources Mentioned: Polyvagal Theory – Dr. Stephen Porges: Understanding how the autonomic nervous system influences our sense of safety and connection. Internal Family Systems (IFS) – Dr. Richard Schwartz: Fear as a protector part within us that seeks to avoid pain or danger. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) – Dr. Sue Johnson: How anxiety and fear impact attachment bonds and communication. Survivor’s Club by Ben Sherwood – A book on resilience and how people survive traumatic events like plane crashes. Recovery Capital Framework – Key elements for long-term recovery from addiction and compulsive behaviors. 12-Step Groups – The value of community, accountability, and confronting fear in healing from addiction or betrayal. Trauma-Informed Therapy – When fear is rooted in unresolved trauma, professional support can be vital for recovery.

The Mask and the Mirror: Seeing Yourself Clearly After Betrayal In this raw and revealing conversation, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaels explore what happens when betrayal, addiction, secrecy, or early trauma fracture your sense of identity. Whether you’re a betrayed partner or someone who has acted out, this episode is an invitation to step out from behind the mask and face the mirror—to look honestly and compassionately at who you are, how you’ve been shaped, and who you’re becoming. Together, Dr. Skinner and MaryAnn unpack how false identities are built from shame, secrecy, survival roles, or social expectations—and how reclaiming your identity starts by connecting with your core worth. They explore how trauma disrupts identity formation, why authenticity is essential for intimacy, and how rediscovering your core self is key to lasting healing. You’ll hear personal stories, including a moment of vulnerability from MaryAnn about holding a sign that read “Porn hurt me,” and reflections on what it means to be seen, valued, and known—without hiding. Whether you feel lost in who you’ve become or you’re just beginning to rediscover who you really are, this episode is a guidepost to help you move forward with clarity, courage, and compassion. Topics Covered: Identity loss after secrecy, betrayal, or compulsive behaviors How early trauma and sexual exposure can disrupt self-identity The difference between false self and authentic self Why intimacy requires honesty and congruence Coupleship identity before and after betrayal Core beliefs like “I’m not enough” and their influence on behavior The role of neuroplasticity in healing identity (Joe Dispenza) Internal Family Systems (IFS) and the concept of core self The challenge of letting go of survival-based roles or secondary gains How to begin reclaiming and rewriting your identity A practical reflection exercise to uncover who you are today Resources Mentioned: Joe Dispenza – On autopilot living and the science of change Quote referenced: “90 to 95% of what we do is on autopilot.” Key concept: neuroplasticity and habit stacking in identity transformation Brené Brown – On shame, secrecy, and vulnerability Quote: “Shame thrives in secrecy, silence, and judgment.” Internal Family Systems (IFS) – Exploring the parts of self Discussion of “core self” vs. protective parts shaped by trauma Barna Research (2016) – On changing cultural attitudes toward pornography Mentioned study: Teens reported it was more morally wrong to not recycle than to watch porn Patrick Carnes, Don’t Call It Love Cited research on identity shifts post-recovery Key insight: Sober individuals often look back on their past selves with disdain due to identity incongruence Reflection Assignment: Title: "The Mask and the Mirror" Draw or describe two masks: The mask you show the world The mask you wear internally If you’re spiritually inclined, consider a third: How does your Higher Power see you? Journal Prompt: Who am I without secrecy or shame? What is one belief I’ve carried about myself that no longer serves me? If I fully embraced my worth, how would I see myself differently? Bonus Question: How did betrayal or secrecy shift my identity—and how do I want to reclaim it? To learn more about healing and recovery, please visit www.humanintimacy.com

In this powerful and emotionally rich episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis shift the focus from trauma to transformation. While past episodes have explored the symptoms of post-traumatic stress following betrayal, this conversation is all about post-traumatic growth—the process of finding meaning, strength, and purpose through adversity. MaryAnn shares her personal journey from betrayal and pain to advocacy and healing, culminating in a major Supreme Court ruling protecting children online—an experience that represents a full-circle moment in her growth process. The discussion weaves in key psychological theories, including Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning, the Post-Traumatic Growth Inventory, and Carol Dweck’s Growth Mindset, all while grounding the conversation in the realities of lived experience. Listeners will be inspired to see their own hardships not as dead ends but as turning points—opportunities to grow, to give back, and to reclaim a sense of self and connection. Resources Mentioned in This Episode: Post-Traumatic Growth Inventory Developed by Richard Tedeschi & Lawrence Calhoun to measure personal growth following trauma. Learn more Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl A classic on finding purpose through suffering, based on Frankl’s time in a concentration camp. Mindset by Carol Dweck Introduces the concept of a “growth mindset”—how we can view challenges and setbacks as opportunities for growth. Window of Tolerance by Dr. Dan Siegel A framework for understanding how much emotional stress we can manage before becoming dysregulated. 12-Step Programs Emphasized as a tool for spiritual growth, community support, and emotional healing in recovery. Crumbaugh and Maholick’s Work on Existential Meaning Theories around life purpose and navigating crossroads in life. Free Speech Coalition v. Paxton U.S. Supreme Court decision upholding Texas’ age-verification law for online pornography—a pivotal moment in MaryAnn’s advocacy journey. Learn more @ https://www.humanintimacy.com/pages/home?preview=true