The Human Intimacy Podcast

Breaking Free from Shame: How It Shapes and Strains Our Relationships Summary In this episode, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, dive deep into the destructive cycle of shame and its profound impact on relationships. Shame, often rooted in early childhood experiences, can silently disconnect partners—pulling one inward while leaving the other feeling abandoned and unseen. Together, Kevin and MaryAnn explore: How shame manifests in the body and nervous system as an automatic protective response. The cycle of shame between betrayed partners and those who have acted out, and why both can feel isolated and misunderstood. The difference between guilt ("I made a mistake") and shame ("I am a mistake"). Practical steps to recognize, name, and address shame—such as identifying its origins, noticing its physical cues, and finding safe spaces to share vulnerably. The role of vulnerability, responsibility, and self-compassion in breaking free from shame’s grip and restoring intimacy. Listeners will walk away with a clearer understanding of how shame disconnects us from those we love, and with tools to begin shifting toward presence, confidence, and connection. 📚 Resources Books & Research The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown – A guide to embracing self-compassion and resilience. Daring Greatly by Brené Brown – On the power of vulnerability in relationships. Power vs. Force by David R. Hawkins – Exploring emotional energy levels, including shame as the lowest. Childhood and Society by Erik Erikson – Psychosocial developmental stages, including shame vs. initiative. The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk – On trauma, the nervous system, and body memory. Therapeutic Tools Emotional Floatback Technique – Tracing current shame responses back to earlier life experiences. Acknowledge, Validate, Reassure (AVR) – A communication tool to reduce shame and increase connection. Support Groups & 12-Step Programs – Safe spaces to share struggles, reduce secrecy, and experience acceptance. Practical Applications Notice physical shame signals (flushed cheeks, tight stomach, loss of eye contact). Give shame a voice—safely name it out loud to lessen its power. Replace shame with responsibility: shift from self-condemnation to ownership of mistakes. Cultivate self-compassion: learning to sit with suffering without rejecting yourself. Learn more @Humanintimacy.com

Making Sense of and Responding to Tragic and Traumatic Events Special 9/11 & Charlie Kirk Shooting Edition In this special edition of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, reflect on the recent shooting at a university event where Charlie Kirk was injured, alongside the anniversary of 9/11. Together, they explore the rippling effects of tragedy and violence—how fear, anger, sadness, and numbness can show up differently for each person. Kevin shares his personal experience as a parent whose daughter was present on campus during the shooting, describing the fear, violation, and anger that came with the uncertainty of her safety. MaryAnn connects this to past events like Columbine and 9/11, highlighting how communities and families are profoundly changed by trauma. The conversation unpacks: The 10–80–10 rule of human response to crisis: most freeze, some help, and some escalate. How anger often masks deeper grief or fear, and why making sense of emotions is critical. Practical steps for processing trauma—journaling, sitting with your body’s sensations, giving emotions language, and seeking safe spaces for group debriefing. The dangers of media overexposure (“alone with media”) and “pain shopping,” which can reinforce trauma instead of fostering healing. The healing power of action, connection, and vulnerability—whether by helping others, checking in on a neighbor, or simply sitting in presence with someone who is hurting. The episode closes with a reminder, inspired by Fred Rogers: in times of tragedy, look for the helpers and be a helper.Healing happens through compassion, community, and connection—not isolation. 📚 Resources Mentioned The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D. – Understanding how trauma lives in the body and the importance of movement/action. Peter Levine’s Somatic Experiencing – Insights into trauma, the freeze response, and the need for movement. Joseph LeDoux’s research on trauma and neural pathways – Why taking action helps break the cycle of fear and rumination. Fred Rogers’ “Look for the Helpers” quote – A timeless reminder of resilience in the face of tragedy. Join us at HumanIntimacy.com to learn more about healthy relationships and healing from life traumas.   

Distraction, Devices, and the Disconnection Dilemma Episode #83 📘 Episode Summary In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore how today’s digital world is pulling our attention away from what matters most. From doom-scrolling and constant notifications to the rise of AI chatbots, they unpack how technology is reshaping our focus, relationships, and even the ways children develop social and emotional skills. Drawing on insights from Johann Hari (Stolen Focus), Cal Newport (Digital Minimalism), and Claire Morrell (The Tech Exit), the conversation highlights how endless distraction contributes to anxiety, depression, and disconnection—and how intentional choices can help us reclaim presence and intimacy. Listeners will gain practical self-evaluation questions, learn strategies for setting healthy boundaries with devices, and be invited to reflect on whether their attention is flowing toward the people and values that matter most. 📚 Recommended Resources Johann Hari — Stolen Focus: Why You Can’t Pay Attention Cal Newport — Digital Minimalism: Choosing a Focused Life in a Noisy World Jean Twenge — iGen: Why Today’s Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy Claire Morrell — The Tech Exit: A Practical Guide to Freeing Kids and Teens from Smartphones Bessel van der Kolk — The Body Keeps the Score (on how stress and trauma—including digital overload—affect the body) Pew Research Center — studies on screen time and adolescent mental health Ethics and Public Policy Center — Technology and Human Flourishing Project (Claire Morrell’s research) Additional Resources: Humanintimacy.com/Reclaim      

Facing the Storm: Emotional Ownership as a Path to Healing In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, dive into the powerful concept of emotional ownership. They discuss why betrayal often sparks a safety-seeking response—over-monitoring, controlling, or trying to manage a partner’s behavior—and why that’s a natural trauma reaction but unsustainable long term. Drawing on the buffalo and cow metaphor, they invite listeners to “face the storm” of emotions rather than avoid them. The conversation explores how shifting from blame (“You made me…”) to ownership (“I feel…”) empowers healing, restores boundaries, and opens the door to deeper connection. Whether in the aftermath of sexual betrayal or in everyday relationship struggles, emotional ownership offers a path to move from survival mode to resilience. The episode closes with a reflective question for listeners: Can your partner fix your emotions? Share your thoughts with the team at questions@humanintimacy.com. 📚 Resources Mentioned Book: Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal by Dr. Kevin Skinner – understanding trauma responses and healing. Book: Treating Sexual Addiction: A Compassionate Approach to Recovery by Dr. Kevin Skinner – how emotional ownership relates to recovery. Boundaries Course: Human Intimacy Boundaries Course – tools for identifying and practicing healthy boundaries (humanintimacy.com). Concept: Locus of Control – learning what’s within your reach to influence. Metaphor: The Buffalo and the Cow – choosing to face emotions rather than prolong suffering. 12-Step Principle: “Stay on your side of the street” – focusing on your growth instead of managing your partner’s.

Sexual Fantasies: Healthy Intimacy or Hidden Escape? In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis take a deep dive into the complex and often misunderstood world of sexual fantasy. Together, they explore important questions: When are fantasies healthy? When do they become problematic? Dr. Skinner explains that fantasy is a normal part of human sexuality and even essential for arousal, but emphasizes the importance of safety, trust, and presence in a relationship. MaryAnn highlights how childhood experiences, shame, and unmet needs can shape fantasies, sometimes leading them to serve as escapes from pain rather than tools for connection. The conversation covers: The difference between healthy and unhealthy fantasy. How betrayal trauma complicates trust when it comes to fantasy. Why understanding your “arousal template” matters. How vulnerability and communication can turn fantasy into a tool for intimacy rather than a source of division. The risks of sexual shame and the importance of creating safe, nonjudgmental dialogue. Whether you’re curious about your own fantasies, navigating betrayal trauma, or seeking to strengthen intimacy with your partner, this episode provides a thoughtful, compassionate perspective on one of the most vulnerable aspects of human sexuality. 📚 Resources Mentioned & Recommended The Couple’s Guide to Intimacy: How Sexual Reintegration Therapy Can Help Your Relationship Heal – Drs. Bill & Ginger Bercaw Mating in Captivity – Esther Perel The Seven Types of Intimacy in Action (upcoming book) – Dr. Kevin Skinner IITAP (International Institute of Trauma & Addiction Professionals) – https://www.iitap.com For questions or topic suggestions: questions@humanintimacy.com  

The Human Intimacy Podcast #80: The Hidden Cost of Secrets in Relationships In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, unpack the complex world of secrecy in relationships—why we keep secrets, what it does to us internally, and how it affects intimacy with our partners. They explore the hidden weight of secrecy and self-deception, showing how carrying secrets impacts not only relationships but also personal health, emotional well-being, and even the body. The conversation highlights: The psychology of secrecy — why people hide, lie, or deceive in the name of "protection." The toll on the body and mind — from anxiety and ulcers to exhaustion and emotional distance. The role of shame and fear — how vulnerability and the fear of rejection fuel secrecy. The ripple effects on intimacy — why hiding erodes trust and connection over time. Steps toward healing — the importance of accountability, support networks, and learning to share in safe, structured ways. Dr. Skinner and MaryAnn also discuss research insights (Pennebaker, Levine, Carnes, Lemke, Brown) and real-world examples, weaving in practical tools for couples and individuals navigating the painful terrain of secrecy and betrayal. Listeners will leave with a deeper understanding of why secrecy is so destructive—and hopeful strategies for stepping into authenticity, vulnerability, and healthier intimacy. 📚 Resources & References Dr. James Pennebaker – Research on expressive writing and the health costs of secrecy (Opening Up by Writing It Down). Dr. Peter Levine – In an Unspoken Voice (on the physiology of unprocessed emotions). Dr. Patrick Carnes – Foundational work on addiction and recovery; the impact of secrets and lack of structure in relapse. Dr. Anna Lembke – Dopamine Nation (on honesty, vulnerability, and the risks of overexposure). Dr. Brené Brown – Daring Greatly (on vulnerability, shame resilience, and “spotlighting”). Thich Nhat Hanh – Teachings on deep listening and authentic presence in relationships.

  It Didn’t Start With You: Breaking Generational Patterns and Healing the Past Summary: In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore the powerful concept of generational patterns and how our family history shapes our lives. Drawing on insights from Mark Wolynn’s book It Didn’t Start With You, they discuss the science of epigenetics, the influence of cellular memories, and how unresolved trauma, behaviors, and strengths can be passed down for generations. Through personal stories and client experiences, they show how mapping a genogram can reveal inherited patterns in health, relationships, addictions, and emotional responses. Most importantly, they share practical ways to break unhealthy cycles, embrace healthy habits, and become the “chain breaker” for future generations. Listeners will come away with tools for self-discovery, compassion toward their family history, and actionable steps to transform inherited patterns into a healthier legacy. Suggested Resources: Book: It Didn’t Start With You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle – Mark Wolynn Book: The Body Keeps the Score – Dr. Bessel van der Kolk Website: FamilySearch.org – Free tool for building family trees and discovering ancestral stories Article: “What is Epigenetics?” – CDC resource Tool: Genogram templates (available through many therapy and family mapping resources) Practice: Daily mindfulness or meditation for emotional regulation Exercise: Create your own genogram noting health history, relationships, addictions, and major life events across at least three generations

Rebuilding Us: Turning Conflict into Connection Podcast Summary: In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis dive deep into the essential relationship cycle of rupture, repair, responsibility, and rebuilding. Drawing from their personal experiences and clinical work, they explore how every relationship inevitably encounters conflict—not because something is wrong, but because two different people are sharing life together. Dr. Skinner and MaryAnn emphasize that conflict is often not about the surface issue (like toothpaste or hair gel), but rather unmet expectations, unspoken needs, and internal narratives we build over time. Using real-life stories and examples, they explore how couples can move beyond blame and defensiveness by embracing self-awareness, honest communication, and compassion—for themselves and each other. The episode also introduces the powerful concept of the “we problem,” encouraging couples to see relational issues as shared challenges rather than individual failures. Through intentional communication, ownership of feelings, and regular expressions of gratitude, couples can strengthen their bond and build a relationship that thrives—even after betrayal or rupture. Whether you’re newly married or have been together for decades, this episode is filled with practical wisdom and hopefor anyone who wants deeper, healthier, more resilient intimacy. Key Concepts Covered: Rupture is inevitable, but repair is a learned skill. What we fight about is often not the real issue—it’s unmet expectations or a need to feel heard and valued. True intimacy requires vulnerability, humility, and responsibility. “I” statements are powerful tools for conflict resolution. Shifting from a “you vs. me” to a “we” mindset transforms how couples face challenges. Emotional honesty means recognizing your own triggers before projecting onto your partner. Gratitude and daily appreciation can reignite positive connection. Healing after betrayal demands both partners do their inner work while also working on the relationship. Recommended Resources Mentioned: Books: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman (Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse framework) Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss (Empathy in high-stakes communication) Facing the Shadow by Dr. Patrick Carnes (betrayal and relationship recovery) Courses & Tools: HumanIntimacy.com — Online course: How to Communicate When You Don’t Know What to Say (Dr. Kevin Skinner) Reclaim: Healing from Betrayal and Rebuilding Your Life – Podcast and course Therapeutic Concepts Referenced: Gottman’s Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling Positive and Negative Sentiment Override (Dr. John Gottman) “We problems” vs. individual blame Emotional regulation and co-regulation Self-awareness before communication Reflection Questions for Listeners: What’s a recurring conflict in your relationship that might be about something deeper than the surface issue? How do you typically respond when you feel misunderstood—and what might a more self-aware response look like? What are three things your partner has done this week that you could show appreciation for?

Finding the Why: The Courage to Understand Betrayal When betrayal strikes, one of the first—and most painful—questions we ask is: Why? Why did they do this? Why am I reacting this way? Why does it still hurt? In this weeks episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore the emotional terrain beneath the question “Why?”—from both sides of betrayal. Whether you're the partner who was betrayed or the one who acted out, this conversation invites you to pause, look inward, and begin to understand the deeper patterns, pain, and unmet needs that often lie beneath surface behaviors. This episode is about more than answers. It’s about reclaiming clarity, self-awareness, and hope. It’s about finding the courage to ask honest questions—and the grace to explore them without judgment. Key Points from the Episode: The “Why” Is Often Complex: There's rarely a single reason behind betrayal. Stress, disconnection, childhood trauma, and emotional avoidance often intersect. Understanding ≠ Justifying: Explaining why something happened isn't about excusing it—it's about owning the story with honesty and accountability. Betrayed Partners Need to Know Why: Many betrayed partners seek the “why” not to forgive, but to feel safe—so it doesn’t happen again. Anger as a Messenger: Anger often masks deeper emotions like fear, grief, or feeling unlovable. Recognizing this helps both partners move toward healing. The Power of Insight: Recovery deepens when individuals identify their emotional triggers, patterns, and the moments they cross internal boundaries. The “Five Whys” Technique: Asking “Why?” five times in a row helps uncover the root belief or fear behind a reaction or behavior. The Body Remembers: Emotional memories can be stored somatically. Sometimes the why is felt before it's fully understood cognitively. Self-Compassion Matters: Whether you’re uncovering your own “why” or hearing your partner’s, approach the process with curiosity—not judgment. Tools & Resources Mentioned: Journaling Prompts for Insight: “What was I feeling right before I acted out or shut down?” “What does this experience say about me—and is that really true?” “What need was I trying to meet?” The 5 Whys Exercise (inspired by Toyota problem-solving method) Morning Pages – from The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron A daily writing practice to uncover unconscious thoughts and patterns. Books Referenced: The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg Willpower by Dr. Roy Baumeister Mindsight by Dr. Daniel Siegel Takeaway Message: Understanding your why—whether you’re the one healing from betrayal or the one seeking to make things right—is an act of courage. It’s not about blame. It’s about seeing clearly, feeling deeply, and choosing to heal with intention. For more information about Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn’s work please visit HumanIntimacy.com  

The Healing Power of Honesty: Trauma, Truth, and Relationship Repair Episode Summary: In this episode of The Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis take a deep dive into the role of honesty in trauma recovery and relational healing. The conversation begins with MaryAnn recounting a personal traumatic experience of being held at gunpoint and how it changed her sense of safety and interaction with the world. Together, they explore how honesty with ourselves and others helps reprocess trauma, fosters emotional congruence, and sets the foundation for mental and relational well-being. The discussion expands to topics such as the danger of minimizing experiences, the impact of secrets in relationships, the importance of safe disclosure, and the difference between radical honesty and emotionally responsible honesty. They address the nuances of when, how, and why to tell the truth—whether in moments of betrayal or in everyday interactions. Drawing from clinical experience and research, the hosts emphasize that honesty isn’t just about facts—it’s a healing process that reconnects us to ourselves and to those we love. Key Themes Covered: Trauma and the importance of finding safety after harm Emotional congruence and the danger of self-deception How dishonesty (even subtle) erodes trust and mental health The role of disclosure in healing betrayal trauma How to be honest without overwhelming or harming others The neuroscience of honesty and emotional regulation Rupture and repair as foundations for resilient relationships Balancing rigorous honesty with emotional responsibility Resources Mentioned: Quote by David Viscott: “If you lived honestly, your life would heal itself.” Book: Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody Explores how early life experiences shape adult behavior and emotional health. Book: Dopamine Nation by Dr. Anna Lembke Highlights how honesty activates the prefrontal cortex, aiding in emotional regulation and reducing compulsive behavior. 12-Step Traditions: Emphasis on "rigorous honesty" and the adage “We are as sick as our secrets.” Peggy Vaughan’s Research on Disclosure: Found that 86% of couples who openly talk about the details of betrayal stay together, compared to 55% who do not. Clinical concept: Rupture and Repair Healthy relationships aren't free of conflict; they thrive through honest repair. Therapeutic concept: Congruence (from Carl Rogers) Healing begins when our internal experience aligns with our external expression. Story from Patrick Carnes: A family laughing about a traumatic event illustrates the confusion caused by cognitive dissonance and emotional invalidation. Call to Action: Take a moment to reflect: Where might you be avoiding honesty with yourself or someone close to you? Are there unspoken truths or emotions that need a safe space to be acknowledged? Consider journaling or speaking with a trusted person or therapist about your experience. Being honest doesn’t mean being harsh—it means being real. And in that reality, healing begins.