The Human Intimacy Podcast

Stages of Change: Understanding How Real Transformation Happens Summary: In Episode 88 of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore the Stages of Changemodel developed by James Prochaska and his colleagues, outlined in the book Changing for Good. Together, they walk through the five stages—pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance—showing how these principles apply to both personal recovery and relationships affected by betrayal. Dr. Skinner highlights that change rarely happens instantly; it’s often a back-and-forth process requiring awareness, preparation, and consistent effort. MaryAnn adds depth by describing how fear, shame, and uncertainty can stall progress, especially when one partner is ready to change and the other is not. The episode provides practical insights into how both betrayed partners and those seeking recovery can understand where they are in the process—and what steps will help them move forward. Listeners will come away with a better understanding of how real, sustainable transformation unfolds and how to support themselves or their partners through the often nonlinear journey of change. Resources Mentioned: Book: Changing for Good by James Prochaska, John Norcross, and Carlo DiClemente Podcast: Reclaim: Healing from Pornography and Rebuilding Your Life Podcast: Rise: Hope and Healing from Sexual Betrayal Tool: 12-Step Recovery Programs and Sponsor Support Concepts Referenced: The Stages of Change Model (Prochaska & DiClemente) “Proper Preparation Prevents Pain” – on emotional readiness for change Automaticity and habit formation (66-day model for lasting behavioral change) Understanding relapse and stress triggers

Defining Your North Star: Understanding Core Values in Relationships (Episode 87) Summary In Episode 87 of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore the foundational role of core values in shaping identity, intimacy, and relational harmony. The conversation begins with reflection on gratitude and personal grounding, then transitions into how understanding one’s guiding principles—or “North Star”—influences emotional awareness, sexual decision-making, and conflict resolution. They discuss how early family, cultural, and religious influences shape our beliefs about what’s “good” or “bad,” often leaving individuals unaware of their authentic values. MaryAnn introduces examining our internalized “shoulds” to uncover inherited rules that may no longer serve us. Dr. Skinner emphasizes that defining values is a process of personal ownership, not external expectation, and that clarity enables healthy boundaries and more honest relating. The episode also covers what happens when partners’ values diverge—inviting curiosity, vulnerability, and respectrather than control or shutdown. Through clinical examples (anger, sexuality, secrecy), they show how self-awareness and emotional safety foster compassionate dialogue, and when persistent value gaps may signal deeper incompatibility. Takeaway: intimacy thrives when both partners pursue honest dialogue, self-reflection, and compassion, recognizing that values can evolve with growth and healing. Resources Show Notes & Assignments: HumanIntimacy.com/Podcast (values discovery prompts) Books & Frameworks: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work — John Gottman Hold Me Tight — Sue Johnson The Gifts of Imperfection — Brené Brown Atlas of the Heart — Brené Brown The Body Keeps the Score — Bessel van der Kolk Quick Reflection Exercise List three “should” statements guiding your choices. Ask: Where did this belief come from? Does it fit who I want to be now? Note how keeping vs. releasing it would affect your relationship.

From Hijacked to Healing: Navigating Triggers, Sobriety, and Repair after Sexual Betrayal Summary Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis break down what “being triggered” actually is—the body’s alarm system firing after a stimulus—and how it can hijack thinking and push couples into fight/flight/freeze. They map the reaction sequence (stimulus → thoughts/emotions → chemical surge → flooding) and explain why triggers can surface even years into recovery (Hebbian learning: “neurons that fire together wire together”). You’ll learn a practical path to move from reactivity to response: (1) name the trigger (“name it to tame it”), (2) notice where it lives in your body, (3) regulate—timeout, breath, movement, journaling, nature, (4) co-regulate with a sponsor or safe person, (5) practice self-compassion instead of shame, and (6) return for a repair conversation when both are calm. They coach the betraying partner to avoid minimizing or weaponizing the trigger and to offer steady presence and comfort. The episode closes with a preview of RISE: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal, a new podcast + course focused on the early stages of betrayal trauma. Resources Immediate Tools & Guides 4-7-8 breathing or box breathing (physiological down-regulation) Personal “Co-Regulation Plan” (top 3 people to call/text; what to say; where to go) Trigger Journal template (stimulus → body sensations → emotions → meaning → next right step) Time-Out/Time-In agreements for couples (when, how, and how to re-engage) Books & Key Concepts Mentioned Dan Siegel — The Whole-Brain Child / “Name it to tame it” (emotion labeling) John Gottman — “Flooding” and physiological self-soothing Patrick Carnes — Don’t Call It Love (addiction & long-term change) Roy Baumeister — Ego depletion/decision fatigue (why long triggered states backfire) Francine Shapiro — EMDR (trauma processing) Bessel van der Kolk — The Body Keeps the Score (body-based trauma responses) Kristin Neff — Self-Compassion (skills for reducing shame) Stephen Porges / Deb Dana — Polyvagal-informed regulation & co-regulation Hebbian learning (“neurons that fire together wire together”)—why old cues retrigger Therapeutic & Community Supports EMDR-trained therapist; trauma- and betrayal-informed clinicians (CPTT/CSAT) Peer support: 12-step groups (S-Anon, SA/SAA/SLAA) or therapist-led betrayal groups Sponsor/mentor system for both partners (borrow a regulated nervous system) Related Episodes / Programs Human Intimacy Podcast #50 — Navigating Triggers in Public RISE: Hope & Healing After Sexual Betrayal — new podcast + course (early-stage betrayal trauma: triggers, PTSD responses, stabilization, and repair)

Breaking Free from Shame: How It Shapes and Strains Our Relationships Summary In this episode, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, dive deep into the destructive cycle of shame and its profound impact on relationships. Shame, often rooted in early childhood experiences, can silently disconnect partners—pulling one inward while leaving the other feeling abandoned and unseen. Together, Kevin and MaryAnn explore: How shame manifests in the body and nervous system as an automatic protective response. The cycle of shame between betrayed partners and those who have acted out, and why both can feel isolated and misunderstood. The difference between guilt ("I made a mistake") and shame ("I am a mistake"). Practical steps to recognize, name, and address shame—such as identifying its origins, noticing its physical cues, and finding safe spaces to share vulnerably. The role of vulnerability, responsibility, and self-compassion in breaking free from shame’s grip and restoring intimacy. Listeners will walk away with a clearer understanding of how shame disconnects us from those we love, and with tools to begin shifting toward presence, confidence, and connection. 📚 Resources Books & Research The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown – A guide to embracing self-compassion and resilience. Daring Greatly by Brené Brown – On the power of vulnerability in relationships. Power vs. Force by David R. Hawkins – Exploring emotional energy levels, including shame as the lowest. Childhood and Society by Erik Erikson – Psychosocial developmental stages, including shame vs. initiative. The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk – On trauma, the nervous system, and body memory. Therapeutic Tools Emotional Floatback Technique – Tracing current shame responses back to earlier life experiences. Acknowledge, Validate, Reassure (AVR) – A communication tool to reduce shame and increase connection. Support Groups & 12-Step Programs – Safe spaces to share struggles, reduce secrecy, and experience acceptance. Practical Applications Notice physical shame signals (flushed cheeks, tight stomach, loss of eye contact). Give shame a voice—safely name it out loud to lessen its power. Replace shame with responsibility: shift from self-condemnation to ownership of mistakes. Cultivate self-compassion: learning to sit with suffering without rejecting yourself. Learn more @Humanintimacy.com

Making Sense of and Responding to Tragic and Traumatic Events Special 9/11 & Charlie Kirk Shooting Edition In this special edition of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, reflect on the recent shooting at a university event where Charlie Kirk was injured, alongside the anniversary of 9/11. Together, they explore the rippling effects of tragedy and violence—how fear, anger, sadness, and numbness can show up differently for each person. Kevin shares his personal experience as a parent whose daughter was present on campus during the shooting, describing the fear, violation, and anger that came with the uncertainty of her safety. MaryAnn connects this to past events like Columbine and 9/11, highlighting how communities and families are profoundly changed by trauma. The conversation unpacks: The 10–80–10 rule of human response to crisis: most freeze, some help, and some escalate. How anger often masks deeper grief or fear, and why making sense of emotions is critical. Practical steps for processing trauma—journaling, sitting with your body’s sensations, giving emotions language, and seeking safe spaces for group debriefing. The dangers of media overexposure (“alone with media”) and “pain shopping,” which can reinforce trauma instead of fostering healing. The healing power of action, connection, and vulnerability—whether by helping others, checking in on a neighbor, or simply sitting in presence with someone who is hurting. The episode closes with a reminder, inspired by Fred Rogers: in times of tragedy, look for the helpers and be a helper.Healing happens through compassion, community, and connection—not isolation. 📚 Resources Mentioned The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D. – Understanding how trauma lives in the body and the importance of movement/action. Peter Levine’s Somatic Experiencing – Insights into trauma, the freeze response, and the need for movement. Joseph LeDoux’s research on trauma and neural pathways – Why taking action helps break the cycle of fear and rumination. Fred Rogers’ “Look for the Helpers” quote – A timeless reminder of resilience in the face of tragedy. Join us at HumanIntimacy.com to learn more about healthy relationships and healing from life traumas.   

Distraction, Devices, and the Disconnection Dilemma Episode #83 📘 Episode Summary In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore how today’s digital world is pulling our attention away from what matters most. From doom-scrolling and constant notifications to the rise of AI chatbots, they unpack how technology is reshaping our focus, relationships, and even the ways children develop social and emotional skills. Drawing on insights from Johann Hari (Stolen Focus), Cal Newport (Digital Minimalism), and Claire Morrell (The Tech Exit), the conversation highlights how endless distraction contributes to anxiety, depression, and disconnection—and how intentional choices can help us reclaim presence and intimacy. Listeners will gain practical self-evaluation questions, learn strategies for setting healthy boundaries with devices, and be invited to reflect on whether their attention is flowing toward the people and values that matter most. 📚 Recommended Resources Johann Hari — Stolen Focus: Why You Can’t Pay Attention Cal Newport — Digital Minimalism: Choosing a Focused Life in a Noisy World Jean Twenge — iGen: Why Today’s Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy Claire Morrell — The Tech Exit: A Practical Guide to Freeing Kids and Teens from Smartphones Bessel van der Kolk — The Body Keeps the Score (on how stress and trauma—including digital overload—affect the body) Pew Research Center — studies on screen time and adolescent mental health Ethics and Public Policy Center — Technology and Human Flourishing Project (Claire Morrell’s research) Additional Resources: Humanintimacy.com/Reclaim      

Facing the Storm: Emotional Ownership as a Path to Healing In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, dive into the powerful concept of emotional ownership. They discuss why betrayal often sparks a safety-seeking response—over-monitoring, controlling, or trying to manage a partner’s behavior—and why that’s a natural trauma reaction but unsustainable long term. Drawing on the buffalo and cow metaphor, they invite listeners to “face the storm” of emotions rather than avoid them. The conversation explores how shifting from blame (“You made me…”) to ownership (“I feel…”) empowers healing, restores boundaries, and opens the door to deeper connection. Whether in the aftermath of sexual betrayal or in everyday relationship struggles, emotional ownership offers a path to move from survival mode to resilience. The episode closes with a reflective question for listeners: Can your partner fix your emotions? Share your thoughts with the team at questions@humanintimacy.com. 📚 Resources Mentioned Book: Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal by Dr. Kevin Skinner – understanding trauma responses and healing. Book: Treating Sexual Addiction: A Compassionate Approach to Recovery by Dr. Kevin Skinner – how emotional ownership relates to recovery. Boundaries Course: Human Intimacy Boundaries Course – tools for identifying and practicing healthy boundaries (humanintimacy.com). Concept: Locus of Control – learning what’s within your reach to influence. Metaphor: The Buffalo and the Cow – choosing to face emotions rather than prolong suffering. 12-Step Principle: “Stay on your side of the street” – focusing on your growth instead of managing your partner’s.

Sexual Fantasies: Healthy Intimacy or Hidden Escape? In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis take a deep dive into the complex and often misunderstood world of sexual fantasy. Together, they explore important questions: When are fantasies healthy? When do they become problematic? Dr. Skinner explains that fantasy is a normal part of human sexuality and even essential for arousal, but emphasizes the importance of safety, trust, and presence in a relationship. MaryAnn highlights how childhood experiences, shame, and unmet needs can shape fantasies, sometimes leading them to serve as escapes from pain rather than tools for connection. The conversation covers: The difference between healthy and unhealthy fantasy. How betrayal trauma complicates trust when it comes to fantasy. Why understanding your “arousal template” matters. How vulnerability and communication can turn fantasy into a tool for intimacy rather than a source of division. The risks of sexual shame and the importance of creating safe, nonjudgmental dialogue. Whether you’re curious about your own fantasies, navigating betrayal trauma, or seeking to strengthen intimacy with your partner, this episode provides a thoughtful, compassionate perspective on one of the most vulnerable aspects of human sexuality. 📚 Resources Mentioned & Recommended The Couple’s Guide to Intimacy: How Sexual Reintegration Therapy Can Help Your Relationship Heal – Drs. Bill & Ginger Bercaw Mating in Captivity – Esther Perel The Seven Types of Intimacy in Action (upcoming book) – Dr. Kevin Skinner IITAP (International Institute of Trauma & Addiction Professionals) – https://www.iitap.com For questions or topic suggestions: questions@humanintimacy.com  

The Human Intimacy Podcast #80: The Hidden Cost of Secrets in Relationships In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, unpack the complex world of secrecy in relationships—why we keep secrets, what it does to us internally, and how it affects intimacy with our partners. They explore the hidden weight of secrecy and self-deception, showing how carrying secrets impacts not only relationships but also personal health, emotional well-being, and even the body. The conversation highlights: The psychology of secrecy — why people hide, lie, or deceive in the name of "protection." The toll on the body and mind — from anxiety and ulcers to exhaustion and emotional distance. The role of shame and fear — how vulnerability and the fear of rejection fuel secrecy. The ripple effects on intimacy — why hiding erodes trust and connection over time. Steps toward healing — the importance of accountability, support networks, and learning to share in safe, structured ways. Dr. Skinner and MaryAnn also discuss research insights (Pennebaker, Levine, Carnes, Lemke, Brown) and real-world examples, weaving in practical tools for couples and individuals navigating the painful terrain of secrecy and betrayal. Listeners will leave with a deeper understanding of why secrecy is so destructive—and hopeful strategies for stepping into authenticity, vulnerability, and healthier intimacy. 📚 Resources & References Dr. James Pennebaker – Research on expressive writing and the health costs of secrecy (Opening Up by Writing It Down). Dr. Peter Levine – In an Unspoken Voice (on the physiology of unprocessed emotions). Dr. Patrick Carnes – Foundational work on addiction and recovery; the impact of secrets and lack of structure in relapse. Dr. Anna Lembke – Dopamine Nation (on honesty, vulnerability, and the risks of overexposure). Dr. Brené Brown – Daring Greatly (on vulnerability, shame resilience, and “spotlighting”). Thich Nhat Hanh – Teachings on deep listening and authentic presence in relationships.

  It Didn’t Start With You: Breaking Generational Patterns and Healing the Past Summary: In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore the powerful concept of generational patterns and how our family history shapes our lives. Drawing on insights from Mark Wolynn’s book It Didn’t Start With You, they discuss the science of epigenetics, the influence of cellular memories, and how unresolved trauma, behaviors, and strengths can be passed down for generations. Through personal stories and client experiences, they show how mapping a genogram can reveal inherited patterns in health, relationships, addictions, and emotional responses. Most importantly, they share practical ways to break unhealthy cycles, embrace healthy habits, and become the “chain breaker” for future generations. Listeners will come away with tools for self-discovery, compassion toward their family history, and actionable steps to transform inherited patterns into a healthier legacy. Suggested Resources: Book: It Didn’t Start With You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle – Mark Wolynn Book: The Body Keeps the Score – Dr. Bessel van der Kolk Website: FamilySearch.org – Free tool for building family trees and discovering ancestral stories Article: “What is Epigenetics?” – CDC resource Tool: Genogram templates (available through many therapy and family mapping resources) Practice: Daily mindfulness or meditation for emotional regulation Exercise: Create your own genogram noting health history, relationships, addictions, and major life events across at least three generations