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Renowned family therapist Terry Real, known for his work in male psychology, shares his personal journey of transforming generational trauma through his work and experiences. Real emphasizes the importance of reshaping the family legacy to create healthier relationships and discusses how childhood experiences influence adult behavior.
Real delves into the concept of the adaptive child response, contrasting it with the wise adult perspective in dealing with triggered responses. He highlights the significance of high emotional sensitivity resulting from childhood trauma and the need to approach past experiences through compassionate curiosity and understanding.
Real addresses traditional gender roles in relationships, focusing on the power dynamics between men and women and the impact of patriarchal conditioning on behavior. He advocates for moving beyond traditional gender norms to foster collaborative and compassionate relationships, emphasizing the importance of soft power and lovingly standing up for oneself and the relationship in harmony.
Our culture fosters unhealthy external validation for self-worth, leading to performance-based, attribute-based, and other-based esteem. Men, especially, are haunted by shame and the need to prove their worth, perpetuating the 'Icarus Myth' where they believe they must earn love. Embracing healthy self-esteem rooted in internal validation is a spiritual privilege and a birthright, challenging the societal narrative of needing to earn worthiness.
In relationships beyond romantic contexts, individuals facing irreconcilable differences despite sincere efforts are urged to practice 'relational reckoning.' This self-assessment involves evaluating if the relationship offers enough fulfillment to justify grieving what is lacking. Encouraging unilateral virtue and focusing on personal relational integrity rather than trying to control others exemplifies a healthier approach to managing challenging relationships.
On one of our favorite episodes of Being Well, Dr. Rick and Forrest Hanson are joined by author and therapist Terry Real to talk about how to overcome the myth of toxic individualism, break trauma cycles, and experience real intimacy in our relationships.
They discuss how to balance acceptance and agency, develop a healthy sense of trust and self-esteem, communicate what we want effectively, and experience our power through collaboration rather than dominance. Terry describes how we can move past the delusions of toxic individualism and patriarchy that plague our culture, moving away from ‘me vs. you’ and into Us.
About our Guest: Terrence Real is an internationally recognized family therapist, speaker, and bestselling author. He is the founder of the Relational Life Institute, which offers workshops for couples as well as professional training for clinicians in his Relational Life Therapy (RLT) methodology. His latest book is Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship which comes out June 7th.
Watch the Episode: Prefer watching video? You can watch this episode on YouTube.
Key Topics:
0:00: Introduction
1:45: Terry’s personal transformation
4:55: Regulating up to our parents
7:05: The Adaptive Child vs. the Wise Adult
14:25: Us vs. the delusions of individualism and patriarchy
18:05: Balancing acceptance and agency
22:45: Enlightened self-interest and working with couples
29:25: Three phases to get more of what you want in relationships without a counselor
33:35: How to support people–particularly women–in dealing with unfairness
37:15: Gendered tendencies–moving into intimacy and out of patriarchy
43:20: Shame and healthy self-esteem
49:40: Relational reckoning and relational integrity
56:55: Repairing trust and grandiosity
1:01:00: Recap
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