Mastering Difficult Conversations with Sheila Heen, Deputy Director of the Harvard Negotiation Project at Harvard Law School
Dec 4, 2023
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Sheila Heen, Deputy Director of the Harvard Negotiation Project at Harvard Law School, joins the podcast to discuss mastering difficult conversations. Topics covered include the three layers of difficult conversations, how to prepare for them, and why having difficult conversations isn't a bad thing.
Preparing for difficult conversations involves understanding different perspectives and exploring past experiences.
Taking responsibility for our own contributions to the problem can shift the conversation away from blame and towards finding solutions.
Deep dives
Preparing for Difficult Conversations
One of the mistakes people often make when navigating difficult conversations is failing to prepare. Many of us try to prepare by creating a list of talking points or arguments to make. However, a more effective approach is to shift our focus from what we're right about to understanding why we see things differently. This involves considering the other person's perspective, exploring their past experiences, and separating intent from impact. By preparing in this way, we can approach the conversation with a greater focus on understanding and finding solutions rather than blaming.
Addressing Blame in Difficult Conversations
Another common mistake in difficult conversations is falling into a blame game. It's easy for conversations to quickly become focused on finding fault and pointing fingers. However, by owning our own contributions to the problem and taking responsibility for our actions, we can shift the conversation away from blame and towards finding solutions. This involves acknowledging our own mistakes and making it clear that we want to understand and address the impact of our actions. By doing so, we create a more productive and collaborative environment for problem-solving.
Postponing Difficult Conversations
Postponing difficult conversations is another mistake many people make. We often avoid having these conversations because we fear confrontation or uncomfortable emotions. However, postponing a conversation only allows the problem to fester and can lead to misunderstandings and resentment. It's important to acknowledge when a conversation needs to happen and initiate it as soon as possible. By addressing the issue head-on, we can prevent further miscommunication and work towards a resolution.
Understanding Identity in Difficult Conversations
An essential aspect of navigating difficult conversations is understanding the impact of identity. Each person has a story they tell about themselves and how they want to be perceived. These stories influence how we approach difficult conversations and can be deeply tied to our sense of self-worth and values. Recognizing this, we can approach conversations with empathy and focus on affirming the other person's identity, even when discussing challenging topics. By acknowledging and valuing their identity, we create an environment that encourages open dialogue and collaboration.
Mastering difficult conversations involves going beyond your own perspective to understand what each person in the conversation sees, feels, and leaves unspoken. Sheila Heen and I discuss how.
- Why owning your contribution to the problem up front is the best way to avoid the blame game
- How to prepare to have a difficult conversation
- Why having difficult conversations isn’t a bad thing
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