219. How to Make a Friend & Find a Date with Logan Ury
Jun 15, 2023
01:02:39
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Quick takeaways
Sharing personal stories on dates helps establish connections and reveal compatibility.
Challenging unrealistic expectations in dating leads to a better understanding of love and compatibility.
Being authentic and vulnerable attracts partners who accept and appreciate one's true self.
Deep dives
The Power of Storytelling on Dates
On dates, it is important to share stories about oneself rather than focusing on facts and resumes. Sharing personal stories helps to establish connections, make oneself relatable, and show vulnerability. Stories allow individuals to reveal their authentic selves, which can lead to deeper connections and a better understanding of compatibility.
Challenging Unrealistic Expectations in Dating
Many people have unrealistic expectations when it comes to dating. These expectations can revolve around relationships, partners, or even oneself. It is important to recognize and challenge these expectations, understanding that love can grow over time, sparks can be misleading, and initial attractions do not necessarily indicate long-term compatibility.
Embracing Vulnerability and Authenticity
When dating, it is essential to be authentic and vulnerable. Being open about one's quirks, insecurities, and personal experiences can create a safe space for connection and understanding. By embracing vulnerability and authenticity, individuals can attract partners who appreciate and accept them for who they truly are.
The Post-Date Checklist: A Different Approach to Evaluating Compatibility
Throwing out the traditional checklist for evaluating a potential partner's suitability, the speaker introduces the 'post-eight-eight,' a set of eight questions to ask oneself after a date. Inspired by the science behind gratitude journals, this method trains the brain to focus on positive aspects and avoid superficial judgments based solely on external factors or paper compatibility. Questions such as how the person makes one feel, the level of energy experienced, shared laughter, curiosity, and personal growth become more important in assessing compatibility than just matching interests or traits on paper.
Finding the Right Events and Activities for Meaningful Connections
In the quest to meet new people and form connections, it becomes crucial to choose events and activities aligned with personal interests and the likelihood of interaction. The speaker suggests a decision matrix, plotting events based on the likelihood of enjoyment and the potential for interaction. By focusing on events that fall in the upper right corner of the matrix—where enjoyment and interaction are high—individuals increase the chances of meeting like-minded people. The importance of exploring one's city, embracing unique experiences, and finding ways to connect authentically without relying on alcohol are emphasized.
How the hell do grown ups date and make friends? Behavioral scientist turned dating coach, Logan Ury is here to help us make dating and meeting new friends easier: how to identify what you really want; why we should stop searching for “the spark”; why we keep going after the same people that are wrong for us; how to talk to our kids about their first love experiences; why we need to have “other significant others”; and the eight questions you should ask yourself after meeting anyone new.
About Logan:
Logan Ury is a behavioral scientist turned dating coach and the author of the bestselling dating book How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love. She works asHinge’s Director of Relationship Science, conducting research on modern dating. She runs an online community through her weekly newsletter — Logan's Love Letter. She studied psychology at Harvard and ran Google’s behavioral science team, the Irrational Lab. She lives in the Bay Area with her husband Scott.
