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The Tim Ferriss Show
#553: Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation
Dec 9, 2021
01:50:17
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Quick takeaways
- Parents should allow children to struggle and find their own solutions to build self-confidence and motivation to learn.
- Nurturing hope and optimism in children is more effective than solely building self-esteem for fostering overall well-being and success.
- Overparenting harms children's motivation and learning by undermining their sense of competence and self-efficacy, leading to a reliance on external rewards.
- Clear and consistent messages about substance use are crucial for preventing substance abuse in children, emphasizing the importance of promoting healthy coping skills and responsible choices.
Deep dives
The Importance of Autonomy Support in Parenting
Research shows that when parents are overly directive and do too much for their children, it undermines their feelings of self-efficacy and autonomy. Kids need to experience frustration and struggle in order to develop important skills, such as problem-solving and resilience. Parents who provide autonomy support, allowing children to struggle and find their own solutions, help build their self-confidence and motivation to learn.
Building Hope and Optimism in Kids
Hope and optimism are essential for children's overall well-being and success. When kids have someone who helps them see that their lives can be better and that they have the power to make positive changes, it fosters hope and resilience. Research shows that teaching kids hope is more effective than simply building their self-esteem. Through support and encouragement, parents can nurture hope and optimism in their children, helping them develop a positive outlook and the belief in their own abilities.
The Dangers of Overparenting and Extrinsic Rewards
Overparenting, or being overly directive, can harm children's motivation and learning. When parents constantly intervene and do things for their children, it undermines their sense of competence and self-efficacy. It also leads to a reliance on external rewards, such as grades or praise, rather than intrinsic motivation. Extrinsic rewards can actually diminish children's long-term motivation to learn. Allowing children to experience desirable difficulties and struggle with challenges promotes deeper learning and helps build their confidence and perseverance.
Preventing Substance Use and Abuse in Kids
Research shows that clear and consistent messages about substance use are crucial for preventing substance abuse in children. Parents who communicate a firm 'no' and emphasize that substance use is not allowed until a legal age help reduce the risk of substance abuse. Teaching moderation is not effective, as the brain is still developing until about age 25. Parents should focus on promoting healthy coping skills, building resilience, and providing support to help children make responsible choices regarding substance use.
The Importance of Having Honest Conversations about Addiction with Kids
The podcast episode emphasizes the significance of addressing addiction and having open conversations with kids. It encourages parents to approach this topic without shame or embarrassment and to focus on learning from past mistakes. By providing kids with accurate information about risks and prevention strategies, parents can empower them to make better decisions. It also discusses the role of a recovery coach and the importance of modeling hope, optimism, and the tools for sobriety.
Medically Assisted Recovery and Treatment at Sanna
The podcast explores the concept of medically assisted recovery at Sanna, the first recovery and treatment center in Vermont. This approach aims to alleviate withdrawal symptoms safely and provide medical supervision during the recovery process. Recovery coaches play a crucial role in providing support, guidance, and a sense of hope to individuals in long-term recovery. Sanna offers both group classes and one-on-one sessions to address the diverse needs of the patients.
Prevention Strategies for Substance Use in Kids
The podcast delves into effective prevention strategies for kids and substance use. It highlights the importance of providing real data and information to children about the true prevalence of drug and alcohol use among their peers. By empowering kids with self-efficacy and enabling them to make informed decisions, parents can mitigate the risks of experimentation. The podcast also touches on the concept of inoculation theory, which teaches refusal skills and empowers kids to resist peer pressure across various risky behaviors.
Handling Challenges and Mistakes as a Parent
The podcast discusses how parents should navigate challenges and mistakes, emphasizing the importance of not taking failures personally. It advises parents to listen without judgment, focus on teaching valuable lessons, and avoid getting overwhelmed by high emotions. The key is to approach these situations with compassion, understand that setbacks are part of the journey, and recognize that each day offers a fresh start.
Jessica Lahey on Parenting, Desirable Difficulties, The Gift of Failure, Self-Efficacy, and The Addiction Inoculation | Brought to you by Wealthfront automated investing and Athletic Greens all-in-one nutritional supplement.
Jessica Lahey (@jesslahey) is the author of the New York Times bestselling book The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed and The Addiction Inoculation: Raising Healthy Kids in a Culture of Dependence. Over twenty years, Jessica has taught every grade from sixth to twelfth in both public and private schools and spent five years teaching in a drug and alcohol rehab for adolescents in Vermont. She currently serves as a recovery coach at Sana at Stowe, a medical detox and recovery center in Stowe, Vermont, where 100 percent of her salary goes to a scholarship fund for young adults.
Jessica writes about education, parenting, and child welfare for The Washington Post, The New York Times, and The Atlantic, is a book critic for Air Mail, and wrote the educational curriculum for Amazon Kids’ award-winning The Stinky and Dirty Show. She co-hosts the #AmWriting podcast with bestselling authors KJ Dell’Antonia and Sarina Bowen from her house in Vermont, where she lives with her husband, two sons, and a lot of dogs.
Please enjoy!
This episode is brought to you by Athletic Greens. I get asked all the time, “If you could only use one supplement, what would it be?” My answer is usually Athletic Greens, my all-in-one nutritional insurance. I recommended it in The 4-Hour Body in 2010 and did not get paid to do so. I do my best with nutrient-dense meals, of course, but AG further covers my bases with vitamins, minerals, and whole-food-sourced micronutrients that support gut health and the immune system.
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This episode is also brought to you by Wealthfront! Wealthfront pioneered the automated investing movement, sometimes referred to as ‘robo-advising,’ and they currently oversee $20 billion of assets for their clients. It takes about three minutes to sign up, and then Wealthfront will build you a globally diversified portfolio of ETFs based on your risk appetite and manage it for you at an incredibly low cost.
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For show notes and past guests, please visit tim.blog/podcast.
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Past guests on The Tim Ferriss Show include Jerry Seinfeld, Hugh Jackman, Dr. Jane Goodall, LeBron James, Kevin Hart, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Jamie Foxx, Matthew McConaughey, Esther Perel, Elizabeth Gilbert, Terry Crews, Sia, Yuval Noah Harari, Malcolm Gladwell, Madeleine Albright, Cheryl Strayed, Jim Collins, Mary Karr, Maria Popova, Sam Harris, Michael Phelps, Bob Iger, Edward Norton, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Neil Strauss, Ken Burns, Maria Sharapova, Marc Andreessen, Neil Gaiman, Neil de Grasse Tyson, Jocko Willink, Daniel Ek, Kelly Slater, Dr. Peter Attia, Seth Godin, Howard Marks, Dr. Brené Brown, Eric Schmidt, Michael Lewis, Joe Gebbia, Michael Pollan, Dr. Jordan Peterson, Vince Vaughn, Brian Koppelman, Ramit Sethi, Dax Shepard, Tony Robbins, Jim Dethmer, Dan Harris, Ray Dalio, Naval Ravikant, Vitalik Buterin, Elizabeth Lesser, Amanda Palmer, Katie Haun, Sir Richard Branson, Chuck Palahniuk, Arianna Huffington, Reid Hoffman, Bill Burr, Whitney Cummings, Rick Rubin, Dr. Vivek Murthy, Darren Aronofsky, and many more.
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