The Hidden Cost of Being Too Nice: Why People-Pleasing is Silently Killing Your Success | Scott Barry Kaufman : 1261

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Mar 18, 2025

Scott Barry Kaufman, a renowned psychologist and author of 'Rise Above,' discusses the hidden costs of people-pleasing and the psychology of empowerment. He explains how toxic altruism and external validation can hinder personal growth. The conversation covers the crucial shift from a victim to an empowerment mindset, and how emotional resilience can combat societal pressures. Kaufman shares insights on self-actualization and the neuroscience behind confidence, highlighting the importance of boundaries for reclaiming one's power.

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INSIGHT

Victim vs. Empowerment Mindset

Distinguish between a victim mindset and an empowerment mindset.
A victim mindset blames external factors, avoids responsibility, and fixates on revenge.

ADVICE

Internally Generated Safety

Cultivate internal safety to control your reactions.
Focus on inner victimhood, recognizing how your inner world can hold you back.

INSIGHT

Learned Hopefulness

Humans are not born with learned helplessness, but rather learn hopefulness.
Our default response is helplessness; we must actively cultivate hope.

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Rise Above

Scott Barry Kaufman

In *Rise Above*, Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman challenges the myths surrounding emotional management, self-esteem, and sensitivity, offering actionable solutions to empower individuals to take control of their lives and achieve their full potential. The book draws on over two decades of research to help readers shift from a victim mindset to an empowerment mindset.

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Unbound

A Woman's Guide to Power

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Unbound: A Woman's Guide to Power is a comprehensive guide that offers precise, practical instruction on how women can stand in their power, find their voice, and use it effectively. The book, written by Kasia Urbaniak, draws from her unique experiences as a dominatrix and her training to become a Taoist nun. It addresses common issues such as why women often feel reluctant to speak up in meetings or difficult conversations and how they can overcome these barriers. The book teaches women how to embrace their desires, navigate resistance, flip power dynamics, and create new roles for the people in their lives. It is part manual, part manifesto, and part behind-the-scenes look, aiming to help women live their most satisfying and powerful lives by breaking ingrained conditioning and mastering influential conversations.

The Anxious Generation

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In 'The Anxious Generation', Jonathan Haidt examines the sudden decline in the mental health of adolescents starting in the early 2010s. He attributes this decline to the shift from a 'play-based childhood' to a 'phone-based childhood', highlighting mechanisms such as sleep deprivation, attention fragmentation, addiction, loneliness, social contagion, and perfectionism that interfere with children’s social and neurological development. Haidt proposes four simple rules to address this issue: no smartphones before high school, no social media before age 16, phone-free schools, and more opportunities for independence, free play, and responsibility. The book offers a clear call to action for parents, teachers, schools, tech companies, and governments to restore a more humane childhood and end the epidemic of mental illness among youth.

Heavily Meditated

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In 'Heavily Meditated', Dave Asprey combines ancient wisdom traditions and practices with modern technology and cutting-edge methods. The book is based on his immersive program '40 Years of Zen' and provides an 8-step approach to help readers remove their triggers and upgrade their mental well-being. Asprey draws on his extensive experience in biohacking and human performance optimization to offer practical advice for improving mental clarity and resilience.

You hold the door open. You say yes when you mean no. You put others first—always. It feels like the right thing to do… but is it costing you more than you realize?

In this episode, Scott Barry Kaufman, Ph.D.—Columbia professor, psychologist, and author of Rise Above—joins Dave Asprey to expose the psychology of victim vs. empowerment mindsets. He reveals how toxic altruism, external validation, and emotional fragility keep people stuck—and how you can reclaim your confidence, set boundaries, and create a life of true growth.

Dr. Kaufman, one of the world’s most cited scientists, shares cutting-edge research on self-actualization, resilience, and the hidden mental loops that shape your success. If you’ve ever felt stuck in self-doubt, drained from over-giving, or afraid to take up space, this conversation will help you break free.

What You’ll Discover in This Episode:

• Victim vs. empowerment mindset—the key shift that changes everything

• The psychological traps of toxic altruism—and why over-giving holds you back

• How people-pleasing rewires your brain—and how to break the cycle

• The science of self-actualization—how to unlock your full potential without guilt

• Why modern culture and social media reward emotional fragility—and how to rise above it

• The neuroscience behind confidence, resilience, and making better choices for YOUR growth

If you’ve ever felt stuck, undervalued, or drained from always being “nice”, this episode will show you how to step into your power, rewrite your mental programming, and take control of your future.