Mark Goulston, a former FBI hostage negotiation trainer and UCLA psychiatry professor, dives into handling know-it-alls and difficult personalities. He outlines three actionable steps to guide these individuals towards better behavior, emphasizing empathy and recognizing their perspectives. Goulston cleverly discusses the concept of 'mental real estate' and how communication choices can impact perceptions. He also reflects on the importance of leaders remaining relevant and empathetic, urging a focus on uplifting future generations.
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Road Rage Reversal
Mark Goulston shares a road rage incident where he surprised an angry driver.
By leaning into his own misery, he disarmed the driver, who then calmed him down.
volunteer_activism ADVICE
Handling Know-It-Alls
When dealing with a know-it-all, pause, then compliment their intelligence.
Point out how their behavior undermines their strengths and distracts others.
insights INSIGHT
Know-It-All Origins
Know-it-alls often try to provoke reactions in others.
This behavior might stem from past experiences where they learned to be the bully or be bullied.
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In 'Talking to Crazy', Mark Goulston provides insights into understanding and managing irrational behavior. He offers techniques such as the Sanity Cycle and various communication strategies to transform interactions with difficult individuals into more productive ones. The book is designed for both personal and professional settings, helping readers navigate challenging relationships.
What Happened to You?
Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing
Bruce D. Perry
Oprah Winfrey
Through deeply personal conversations, Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Bruce Perry explore how traumatic experiences in early life shape behavior and identity. The book emphasizes the importance of understanding and addressing past traumas to clear a path for future healing and resilience. Winfrey shares stories from her own past, while Dr. Perry provides scientific and emotional insights, highlighting the need to ask 'What happened to you?' rather than 'What’s wrong with you?' to foster a deeper understanding of human behavior and promote healing[1][3][5].
Mark Goulston: Talking to Crazy
Mark Goulston is a Founding Member of the Newsweek Expert Forum and a Marshall Goldsmith MG100 Coach, who works with founders, entrepreneurs and CEOs in dealing with and overcoming psychological and interpersonal obstacles to realizing their full potential.
He is the host of the My Wakeup Call podcast and was a UCLA professor of psychiatry for more than twenty years and is also a former FBI hostage negotiation trainer. One of his many bestselling books is Talking to 'Crazy': How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life*.
In this conversation, Mark and I discuss some of the key principles that are effective in diffusing difficult or irrational behavioral. When that behavior is coming from someone who seems to be a know-it-all, we explore three steps that will help you guide them towards better behavior.
Key Points
In his book, Mark writes about know-it-alls:
They don’t say, “People think I’m a jerk, and I need to change my behavior.” Instead, they say, “People dislike me because they’re stupid and incompetent.” This convinces the know-it-alls that they need to double down on quashing the spirits of their victims.
If you treat people like they are nuts are you are not, they will just bite down deeper on their thinking. Lean into their irrationality to change the dynamic.
Most people react to know-it-alls by becoming defensive or sullen. You’re better to take to opposite approach.
Start by genuinely recognizing the talents and know-it-all brings to the workplace.
Lead a conversation about behavior change with them by first leading with a genuine compliment about their talents.
Once that is established, describe how their actions are self-defeating in a way that reinforces the strength you’ve highlighted.
Resources Mentioned
Talking to 'Crazy': How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life* by Mark Goulston
My Wakeup Call podcast with Mark Goulston
Interview Notes
Download my interview notes in PDF format (free membership required).
Related Episodes
How to Listen When Someone Is Venting, with Mark Goulston (episode 91)
How to Manage Abrasive Leaders, with Sharone Bar-David (episode 290)
Where You May Be Provoking Anxiety, with Erica Dhawan (episode 528)
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