The Art of We

We continue to understand the intricacies around impact, and its ability to overtake us if we’re not focused on seeking (and maintaining) a balanced mindset. In this episode, we share our conversation around optimization and how its dark side can create impulsivity and over time, become a threat. We also draw from our personal backgrounds — including our individual Enneagram types — to discuss how to take our humanity into account when being cognizant of our goals vs. awareness of present possibilities.The ability to feed into a compulsive optimization pattern is actually quite relatable. However, the willingness to optimize any — or all — aspects of life can lead to a need to always be better. As a result, a struggle between authenticity and performance can form. If we are able to understand the context around our need for optimization, we can find the “Middle Way” and feel balanced between the two extremes: lack of goals yet present, and obsession with goals yet not present. When we understand how this broad spectrum relates to our ideas around impact, we can form extraordinary types of impact, regardless of what it looks like. We share how navigating health challenges led to a conversation around the optimization pattern, including our personal agenda of creating the best kind of health and wellness to best  live in our values and contribute to the world. Plus, we examine who and what we are optimizing for (a James Clear question), and consider both the healthy and unhealthy desire of impact — which relates to the amount of influence we have on each other, and ties back to our mantra, “We can do more than I can.” Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:The need to have a big impact on the worldThe downsides of the optimizer mentalityHow to hold ambitious goals when not in control of the outcomeThe healthy and unhealthy desire of impactMichelle Obama’s advice about the work being in front of us How we all influence each other Resources Mentioned: Outlive: The Science & Art of Longevity by Peter Attia, MDThe Light We Carry: Overcoming in Uncertain Times by Michelle ObamaGet in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

Collaborating with your partner is bound to have its challenges, but how do you navigate partnership on a large, public scale that not only involves collaboration — but also shared responsibility around representation and messaging? We’re taking a look at what came up in the dynamic of our relationship as we were confronted with feelings of control, shadow parts of self, and approaching challenges from an individualistic vs. team perspective.  The attachment we have to something — an idea, an outcome, and expectation — can often be a result of focusing on the attachment instead of the “why” behind the shared goal. When we are able to remind ourselves of the mission and feelings of empowerment around the shared goal, we are able to embody collaboration as an extension of the relationship we have with each other. We share three lessons for success that helped us come back to our shared belief: Taking a stand makes the world a better place. Plus, we tap into each other’s perspective to learn how the other was responding to and resolving conflict that occurred along the way, as well as how we came back to our mantra of, “We can do more than I can.”Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:Collaboration on a bigger, public scaleThe alignment of personal and business messaging The role of Parts work within the Internal Family Systems therapy modelBringing compassion and curiosity into the present momentOur organizational values organically arising from personal valuesResources Mentioned: Richard (Dick) C. Schwartz, founder of Internal Family Systems  Get in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

It’s often said that relationships are like mirrors that magnify what’s happening beneath the surface, and recognizing attachment styles is one of the greatest ways to use that mirror. In this episode, we look at ambivalent attachment, or as psychologist Stan Tatkin refers to it, the “Wave” attachment style. The typical core injuries of “Wavy” people include receiving reward from a caregiver for being dependent or experiencing inconsistent levels of soothing. These patterns can lead to hyper-vigilance about the security of a relationship and often result in a willingness to do anything for it, even at the expense of one's needs or desires. “Wavy” folks tend to place responsibility on their partner for feeling sufficiently loved rather than co-creating a secure relationship. This is where the “what are we up to as a couple” question comes in handy to collaborate on building a safe, fulfilling relationship. In our conversation, we summarize how Stan Tatkin suggests couples move towards a “two can do better than one” perspective. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:Key characteristics of people with “Wavy” tendencies The impact on a relationship when a partner operates from a “Wavy” attachment style Recognizing when you ask questions with a defensive agenda Staying connected with yourself, even as life gets more complicatedThe trajectory of shifting out of “Wavy” patterns and adopting an “Anchor” attachment styleResources Mentioned: The Art Of We Weekly NewsletterWired for Love by Stan Tatkin  Episode 34. Attachment Styles: A Path To Wholeness In Relationship - Part 1 (Island)Get in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

The most effective way to make it easier to get the love that you want and give your partner the love that they need is to understand each other's attachment style. Stan Tatkin has a helpful framework for recognizing when childhood imprinting comes up, and in this episode, we’re unpacking the layers of what he calls the “Island” attachment style, otherwise known as avoidant insecure attachment. The defense strategies we use as adults are often the result of the experiences we had with our caretakers as infants. How we regulate the nervous system in the face of perceived challenges directly links back to how we were soothed (or not) during the formative years of our lives. But, that’s not to say there’s no hope for breaking patterns of attachment. In fact, consciously working with these patterns inside relationships creates great opportunities for transformation. The first step is to become conscious of this mechanism, so you’re already on the right path. We take a look at different statements and scenarios that an Island type of person might relate to. We also work through why it’s important to shift into a more secure, or in Tatkin’s language, “Anchor,” style. Plus, we use ourselves as examples and discuss what parts of the Island attachment style we relate to.Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:Why it’s helpful to have a greater understanding of attachment stylesThe four different attachment categories that apply to most peopleHow misinterpreting attachment styles can lead to relational ruptures The major blind spots of Island-dominant people Reflecting on where your defense strategy is running your life Resources Mentioned: The Art Of We Weekly NewsletterWired for Love by Stan Tatkin Get in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

We’re revisiting our first episode to take a look at one of the foundational principles that supports our relationship. We reflect on what's different about our partnership compared to previous ones and unpack the juicy conversation we had on our first date. Because we’re so committed to a very clear and explicit purpose within our relationship, we skipped the first-date small talk and got right into our vision. We were open about what we wanted to be up to as a couple, which ultimately provided a sense of validation, orientation, and collaboration. We continue to come back to this core question, especially during moments of conflict and disconnection, When was the last time (if ever) you and your partner talked explicitly about what you’re up to together? Why are you together? Where is your relationship going? These might feel like big questions to bring up, but they provide the roadmap for getting out of those stuck places and building a relationship that feels really aligned. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:Where we came up with guiding question we use to discuss the course of our relationship How we individually got clear on what we desired in a partnership Embracing the challenge of living authenticallyWhy a commitment to personal growth is so important for this type of collaborationBumping up against childhood patterning and wounding Resources Mentioned: The Art Of We Weekly NewsletterThe Relationship School Podcast - Episode 166. Evolutionary Love with Andrew Harvey Get in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

There are a lot of complexities for many people when it comes to birthdays, most of which don’t have anything to do with getting older. In this solo episode, Krista shares how she and Will approach birthdays as a couple and support each other in having meaningful celebrations. Childhood imprinting can deeply impact your birthday experience if those unconscious filters and perspectives go unchecked. You might not realize you’re carrying around disappointment from decades ago, but there are three key ways to discover and articulate what makes you feel loved on your birthday. Nothing sets a partner up for failure quite like the “guess what I want for my birthday” game, so by getting clear on what you want and asking for it, not only is there a better chance of getting your desires met, but also helping your partner play a role in that. And even if your birthday doesn’t look exactly how you imagined it, take the opportunity for growth and try to work on the narrative you create about it. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:How birthdays can trigger childhood wounds Recognizing if it’s challenging to ask for what you want and receive it Taking responsibility for how your thoughts impact your birthday experience Ways that Krista and Will are rewriting what birthdays mean to them Creating intentional traditions around what feels celebratory and comfortable for you Resources Mentioned: The Art Of We Weekly NewsletterGet in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

Few things are equally as pervasive and taboo in our society as pornography. In today's episode, we’re unpacking how pornography addiction or misuse can impact a partnership and sharing ways to address the underlying urge for escapism.  There’s nothing wrong with self-pleasure, but when it becomes the default alternative to dealing with the complexity of a partner, it often results in shame, disconnection, and things left unsaid. Pornography can be a way to avoid uncomfortable conversations about relationship dynamics, but the short-term solution tends to amplify the deeper issues at hand. Based on our experiences, when you’re willing to have those conversations and engage in meaningful collaboration, the impulse to consume porn becomes less intense. It also creates space to explore pleasure in an authentic way instead of mimicking what you see on your screen, inspiring new levels of intimacy and sexual liberation. Is there something in the shadows of your relationship? Join us on this episode as we explore different tools that can help you bring it to light and co-create a path forward. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:Reflecting on our experiences with pornography and pornography addiction The impacts of sexual objectification How pornographic images can actually change the brainRecognizing what triggers you or your partner’s impulse to consume porn How to start a dialogue around an unmanaged third in your relationship Resources Mentioned: The Art Of We Weekly NewsletterBooks by Dr. Gabor MatéGet in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

Meditation is often seen as a solo practice, but in our experience, it can have a deep impact on your relationship with your partner, team members, or really anyone that you come in contact with. In this episode, we describe what our meditation practices look like and how we apply the benefits of it both on and off the cushion. When you train your brain to quiet the chatter, it creates an opportunity for profound listening both internally and externally. Though we had different entry points and teachers, the guiding principles of discovering what’s going on in your mind and recognizing the filters you listen through are common threads of our meditation practices. But, it’s one thing to practice in a dedicated setting and another to implement the takeaways in daily life. Meditation gives us so much information when we dive below the surface of words, opinions, and thoughts. In many ways, it’s a non-medicinal framework for connecting with the subconscious and opening up your perspective. Regardless of where you are on your mediation journey – maybe you’ve never tried it, or fallen out of practice, or it’s already part of your routine – we invite you to find a local community or try out a new app to experience the richness that mediation can bring to your relationships. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:Meditation as a tool for feeling solid and centered in your life How becoming a more present listener impacts your relationships Recognizing what gets in the way of your listening: ego, assumptions, filters The gap between what you feel during mediation and what you experience in daily life Getting in deeper contact with your “We” through meditation Advice for how to get started with developing a consistent mediation practice Resources Mentioned: The Art Of We Weekly NewsletterGenpo Roshi The Collaborative Way Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationship by John WellwoodHeadspace Insight TimerWaking UpGet in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

What happens when you bring an external element into your couple bubble that disrupts the connectivity? Maybe it’s a child, an aging parent, a new job, or in our case, a puppy, all of which require a reconfiguration of how everyone’s needs are met. In today’s episode, we explore techniques that help us address the impacts of throwing a curveball into our well-oiled system. When we decided to introduce a new puppy into our dynamic, we knew life was going to be chaotic for the first few months, but ultimately viewed it as an opportunity to expand of our capacity to hold more as a team. Throughout this process, we’re learning to recognize each other's default patterning when things get rocky and help one another shift out of wounded reactivity into a more conscious and sovereign space. In this episode we share the tools we use to help us during those rocky moments, including practicing compassion for ourselves and our partner. Doing so helps bridge the gap of reconnection and facilitates communication about unmet needs and understanding our partner’s stress responses. If you’re facing new challenges in your relationship, it might be a good time to revisit the conversation about what you’re “up to” as a couple and address how external factors affect that vision. Where are there opportunities to expand and grow together because of those impacts? Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:Why it’s important to explicitly talk about the purpose of bringing something new into your dynamic Staying at choice in how we are operating together, versus being dominated by our environment and stressorsWays to communicate about getting your needs met Collaborating about how to handle challenges Staying committed to the vision of what’s possible when you and your partner embrace a growth mindsetResources Mentioned: The Art Of We Weekly NewsletterGet in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

Within our web of vows that help us maintain what we believe is possible in our relationship, gambling everything for the love we want is at the center. In this episode, we unpack what that means for us and how we work to bring forth every aspect of ourselves, even in challenging or uncomfortable conversations. Unless we take a real stand for the kind of relationship we desire, and then be willing to put everything on the table to give our relationship a chance to live into that stand, we are going to compromise or settle in an unfulfilling partnership.Although we have a deep commitment to addressing ruptures and impact, we’re not immune to misunderstandings. There’s a level of consciousness inside our relationship where we can recognize the filters that we have for each other. These assumptions and automations not only limit the possibility for deeper connections, and they also have the potential to intensify resentments and wounds. We share  five practices that help us to lay our vulnerability on the table and work through tension. In our conversation, we break down what these five tools are and how they can help you and your partner co-create solutions. Join us as we look at these techniques in action and discuss ways to approach edgy topics within your relationship. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:Why we don’t agree with the concept of ‘choosing your battles’ Noticing when make assumptions about your partner and where those beliefs come from Having safeguards in place to deal with the consequences of addressing an uncomfortable reality that exists in your relationship Honoring the voice that signals your needs aren’t being met Developing a willingness to to receive feedback and see it as an opportunity for growth Resources Mentioned: The Art Of We Weekly NewsletterGet in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.