The Art of We

When one partner shows signs of low grade depression, it can sometimes be hard to know how to effectively provide support. If left unaddressed, not only is there an “elephant in the room” but it also can leave unintended negative impacts on the relationship. Often, depression can be viewed as a “problem” that’s usually left up to the person who is experiencing the depression to figure out how to overcome it. Our view is that this approach is ineffective. In this episode we share a myriad of perspectives, causes, and solutions to support the couple to effectively navigate when one partner is experiencing symptoms of depression.In this episode, we frame low grade depression as something that is a normal part of being human. We illustrate contributing factors that can affect a sense of fulfillment and joy, including the gut-brain connection, unhealthy habits, mis-alignment with values, and toxic environments. We share several tools we’ve used to deal with depression together as a couple, including Dr. Will’s advice from 20+ years of working with patients who have found relief in symptoms of depression.Our invitation for you this week is to be gentle yet honest with yourself — and your partner — so that you are able to work as a team and address darker periods and find possibility, together. And be sure to head back to episodes 44–46, where we share how and why we sought out external support.  Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:The three major aspects of depression, from problem to perspectiveThe importance of how we frame and view the depression as a coupleKrista and Will share the three top causes of mild depressionHow not fulfilling your highest values and soul’s purpose can impact your emotionsThe question for couples about their shared missionThe gut-brain connection and its effect on mental healthPractices for navigating and supporting depression The possibility of external support if other tools don’t aid the depressionThe importance of honesty with yourself and your partner about your depressionResources Mentioned: The World Health Organization’s statistic on depression Receive “3 Game Changing Conversations For Couples” A FREE mini guide for finding new levels of clarity, purpose & potency in partnershipThe Art of We Episode 44. When To Seek Couple’s TherapyThe Art of We Episode 45: Sexologial Bodywork + Somatic Sex Education (with Alyssa Morin)The Art of We Episode 46. This Simple Shift Expands Our Access To PleasureThe Art Of We Weekly NewsletterGet in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

Getting external support helps to take our connection and intimacy to the next level. In this episode, we recap our session with Somatic Sex Educator and Certified Sexological Bodyworker, Alyssa Morin. We share why we decided to book a session with Alyssa and disclose a key takeaway that’s created a big positive shift in our physical connection. We discuss our relationship to certain aspects of touch, as well as shared and individual challenges we face around pleasure, touch, and cultural and gender programming. Plus, Krista details takeaways from an experience with The Verdant Collective, a sex education and sexological body work program led by Alyssa and her colleagues. Unlearning programming is a significant part of the process. Be sure to head back to Episode 45 for our guest interview with Somatic Sex Educator and Certified Sexological Bodyworker, Alyssa Morin! Feel free to share any insights or takeaways with us. We’d love to hear from you. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:Krista and Will’s navigation of misattuned physical touch Will’s exaggerated startle responseIntimate details of Alyssa’s session with Krista and WillChallenges of touching your partner in a way that feels good The cultural and gender-focused layers of programming regarding pleasureThe importance of a couple getting external supportResources Mentioned: The Art of We Episode 45: Sexologial Bodywork + Somatic Sex Education (with Alyssa Morin)The Verdant CollectiveThe Art Of We Weekly NewsletterAlyssa's 10-Week Course For Couples The Association of Certified Sexological Bodyworkers (ACSB)Betty Martin - The Wheel of Consent Connect with Alyssa:Alyssa's Website Alyssa's Instagram Get in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

Somatic Sex Educator and Certified Sexological Bodyworker Alyssa Morin joins us on this episode to explore cutting edge frameworks for improving intimacy and connection. Alyssa outlines practices to facilitate healing and get into deeper contact with what feels good. Plus, we look at how this branch of “parts work” can positively impact other areas of life outside the bedroom.Alyssa guides individuals, couples, and groups on how they can better navigate intimacy with themselves and the people around them. So much of her work centers on helping folks break out of the unconscious narratives or expectations they have about pleasure, sex, intimacy, and connection. Many of those scripts result in nervous system dysregulation, and in our conversation, We explore opportunities that arise when we or our partners can identify your fight, flight, freeze or appease response in an intimate situation. We also unpack the ‘willing to’ versus ‘wanting to’ conversation, particularly in situations where personal boundaries and a partner’s desires are out of alignment. Alyssa highlights her trauma-informed approach to sexological bodywork and what to expect when working with her one-on-one. Stay tuned for Episode 46 where we’re going to recap our session with Alyssa! Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:The nuances between sexological bodywork and somatic sex educationAdvice for anyone who feels like their sexuality and intimacy are falling flat, but don’t know how to address it with their partner Examples of ‘freeze’ and ‘appease’ intimacy responses  Practices you can do with your partner (or solo) to discover greater connection and intimacy Learning to move through moments of resistance or intimidation with a sense of curiosity How sexological bodywork and somatic sex education can support people who’ve experienced sexual or intimacy traumaResources Mentioned: The Art Of We Weekly NewsletterAlyssa's 10-Week Course For Couples The Association of Certified Sexological Bodyworkers (ACSB)Betty Martin - The Wheel of Consent Connect with Alyssa:Alyssa's Website Alyssa's Instagram Get in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

Our commitment to seeking external support for our marriage is rooted in our vow to lean on our community when we need it. We understand the challenge of deciding when to address issues within the relationship versus when it’s time to look for professional assistance. In today’s episode, we discuss the three types of external support we’ve used that have significantly impacted our relationship. We believe that seeking external support, including couple’s therapy, is a sign of strength and a crucial element to maintain the health and wellness of your “We.”One of the main ways we get support is through couples therapy. Because it’s crucial to work with a therapist who’s aligned with your views on partnership and growth, we break down differences in therapeutic approaches, questions to ask when seeking support, and reasons why you might want to get external support. Plus, we open up about our session with a Sexological Bodywork practitioner, which has deepened our intimate connection and helped us confront personal conflicts related to pleasure.Our invitation for you this week is to explore with your partner how you each relate to getting external support, and have an honest look at where you might currently want or need help to address challenges or to invest in taking your interpersonal dynamic to the next level of health.Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:The three types of external support we have used for our relationship Reasons to consider therapy to your relationshipQualities of a good therapist and tips for finding the right oneDefining t/Trauma and how it may show up in therapy sessions Viewing therapy as an opportunity to heal, grow, and optimize your relationship The role of a Sexological BodyworkerHow our session with Sexological Bodywork deepened our intimacy Get in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

Deliberate self connection in the service of partnership is a practice that deeply serves our relationship. When we commit taking time to ourselves we can do the inner work of discovering what’s inside us at deeper levels. When we are in more touch ourselves below the surface layers, we can share ourselves more fully with our partners, creating a connection together that penetrates into a deeper, more present state of mind, heart, and soul, and that disrupts the surface level connection that can become habitual when living busy and full lives.In this episode, we share the negative impacts on our relationship when we are not intentionally taking solo time away from one another and away from external distractions. We share the importance of appreciating and naming our different needs around solo time and also our different styles of processing our experience. When we don’t lean into this practice of solo time, our nervous systems are more easily dysregulated and younger parts of ourselves tend to show up and steal the show. Lastly, we share how we’ve invested effort in navigating what can come up relationally when we stand for our individual needs, including working through the fear that our partner may experience when we take time to ourselves. We include our specific practices that help us stay connected to ourselves so we can more fully show up for each other, and truly live into “We can do more than I can” together.If this episode sparked any interesting conversations, or inspired a topic request for future episodes, we’d love to hear from you. Share them with us at kristavanderveer.com. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:Our heartfelt prayers for those impacted by the Maui firesWhy we need solo time to have a healthy & meaningful connection togetherWhat taking specific deliberate time to connect with ourselves looks likeThe negative impacts on our relationship when we don’t take time to ourselves regularlyOur individual approaches for deeper self connection Uncomfortable feelings that may come up when we choose to take time alone An invitation to check in with your self connection, and then ask the same of your partner Resources Mentioned:Books by Stan TatkinGet in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

In a relationship, one partner may have an exit route, an external or internal dialogue that creates a one-sided connection. In our past relationships, backdoor exits were unilateral and not navigated together — instead, insecurity, blaming, and a dysregulated nervous system led the way. Everyone’s situation is different, but for us, making the choice to have each other’s backs and take a leap of faith to show vulnerable parts of ourselves allows a deeper sense of security in our relationship to form. In this episode, we discuss backdoor exit routes and how they can show up implicitly or explicitly. We share personal experiences from past relationships and the realization that insecurity played a role in our ability to fully trust and open up to our partners — this created silos and an inability to fully have the other’s back. Today, “We can do more than I can” is our  reminder to each other that “I got your back.”Lastly, we explore the difference between codependency and interdependency, and provide tools and questions to help you and/or your partner navigate unsettled emotions about a (potential) backdoor exit route. If this episode sparked any interesting conversations or realizations, we’d love to hear from you. Share them with us at kristavanderveer.com. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:Implicit and explicit backdoor exits in relationships How a couple navigated the backdoor exit and found deeper commitment Krista and Will reflect on past experiences involving backdoor exitsA backdoor exit route as a way to feel secure or superior How silos can form if we don’t fully have our partner’s back The difference between codependency and interdependency How the nervous system is an indicator of a relationships’ emotional stateAn inquiry for ourselves or our partner about a backdoor exit Get in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

For some of us, deciding when to address unresolved issues with our family of origin can be confusing. Many people choose not to directly address issues so as to not stir the pot. Other people go as far as doing family therapy as adults with their aging parents and other family members. For us, we find it helpful to get clear about the purpose or what we want to accomplish with our family members to help us decide which topics to address and which to leave as water under the bridge, so to speak.When navigating the relational terrain with family of origin members, there’s often many more complex layers to consider than other types of relationships. In this episode, we explore differences in generations when it comes to interpersonal skills, family cultures, even what we are “up to” in our relationships in general. We share how we navigate challenging conversations with our own families. We also provide tips for finding success in these types of conversations — including awareness of contrasting versions of reality, impact versus intent, and getting clear about a desired outcome for the relationship, prior to initiating the conversation. “We can do more than I can” is also an invitation to connect with our families — in support of the relationships we are committed to both learn and heal from. If you come to any new insights about your family’s culture, we’d love to hear from you. Share them with us at kristavanderveer.com. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:Acknowledging differences between generations Appreciating the impact of our family cultureWill’s story about working through past moments of tension with his dadThe importance of getting clear about why you want to have a conversationThe effect cultural norms have on the way we navigate negative impact with family  An invitation to observe familial culture, ask questions, and notice what can shift Resources Mentioned:The Art of We episode #40Get in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

To have deeply fulfilling relationships requires that we bring our A-game when it comes to being sensitive to how we impact each other and to bring care when we negatively impact one another. If we are not conscious enough to recognize when we’re having unintended negative impacts on other people or we are not self-aware enough to acknowledge when we’ve been negatively impacted by someone else, we are playing a rookie game when it comes to relationships. In this episode, Krista is recording solo, and details what she’s learned about the impact of awareness to keep her relationships as clean, clear, and connected as possible. This includes turning conscious and subconscious burdens into (harder) conversations, two conversation frameworks for addressing and cleaning up negative impact, and tips around feedback and conversation consent.Krista also shares that sometimes even the most prepared for conversations falter. In those moments, compassion for both you and your partnership is imperative, as is a learning mindset, so we can get stronger as a couple every time we navigate a tender or challenging conversation. “We can do more than I can” is an evolution to get better and learn how to love, respect, and care for each other even more. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:Becoming more aware of our impactKrista’s work from turning a blind eye to developing strong self-awarenessThe issues with not addressing how we impact each otherThe power of consent in conversation Three conversation starters to check if we’ve had negative impact on anotherThree conversation starters to let someone know we’ve been negatively impactedGet in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

We believe a critical element that separates an ordinary from an extraordinary relationship is the skill of curiosity. In a world that feels harder to be present, curiosity isn’t as accessible — which is why we try to come back to the childlike delight of questioning and discovering things. It takes intentionality, presence, and continuous practice to build the skill of curiosity, but the investment can help both heal and transform ourselves and our partners. In this episode, we explain the difference between true curiosity and socially-appropriate questions, and why receiving curiosity before giving curiosity is so closely tied to Richard (Dick) C. Schwartz’s Parts work. We navigate the reasoning behind an imbalanced curiosity dynamic, and we share a recent dinner “rupture” story, in which curiosity helped us step into the other’s experience and repair.We also discuss how to help someone navigate deeper curiosity, and provide an example of how we find deeply authentic and connected curiosity in our relationship (within a time limit). When we continue to strengthen the skill of curiosity with each other, we are reminded that “We can do more than I can.”Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:The difference between curiosity and questions The difference between true curiosity and socially-appropriate questions Why receiving curiosity needs to happen before giving curiosity How we bring curiosity to Parts work and when stepping into another’s experienceSuggestions for responding to those who aren’t present in their curiosity An example of how to work on authentic curiosity with anotherResources Mentioned: Richard (Dick) C. Schwartz, founder of Internal Family Systems  Wired for Love by Stan TatkinGet in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

The conversation around money isn’t always lighthearted, honey. Money is one of the top stressors and major areas of conflict for many couples, which is why we put as much care and attention to how we do finances as we do anything else. In our opinion, there’s not a right or wrong regarding how money is dealt with inside of a partnership, as long as there’s true alignment between both partners.In this episode, we discuss how finances, prenups, and decision making have all contributed to the overall success of our relationship while respecting individual values along the way. We share past experiences that inform present decision making as a couple, and how Dr. John Demartini’s techniques (which we’ve utilized since the beginning of our marriage) help illustrate perspective around current vs. future lifestyle and income. We share our outlook on financials as a married couple including the power of agreements throughout the process — especially when rubbing up against a growth edge during harder conversations. We share stories from past experiences in relation to financial dynamics and how those lessons help us appreciate our decisions on how we do money in partnership today. Organization around our finances is one way we are able to access the world through the lens of, “We can do more than I can.”Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:Finances as a couple and the power of agreementsThe decision of and reason for not getting a prenup How to spend money in a way that reflects both sets of valuesThe importance of taking time to process and find alignment about financial decisionsTactics learned about age, lifestyle, and the ability to earn moneyDr. John Demartini’s financial methods and techniquesHow we make decisions around money and plan for the futureResources Mentioned: Dr. John Demartini Get in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy TrainingNavigating personal financial questions and challenges? Share yours with us, here  Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.