The Art of We

Don’t want a boring relationship? Then listen to this episode. When you feel like you’re stuck on a hamster wheel of life, it can negatively impact your partnership. One of our marriage vows is to live and lead from desire, meaning we’re committed to charting our own path and embodying our authentic expression versus defaulting to the stifling messaging we received growing up. In this episode, we discuss where this marriage vow stems from and how we support each other in upholding it. Within our cultural context, it can be difficult to allow ourselves to tap into what we desire, let alone act on it. Between various religious frameworks, the subordination of women, and rigid standards of success, going on autopilot and doing what’s accepted tends to feel safer. But, when there’s little thought put into our decisions and actions, the possibility for growth, both individually and as a couple, shrinks. In this episode we share practices to help us rise above the daily noise of life that can keep us from hearing the deeper internal layers of our authentic desires and truths. We also share why having a relationship that feels safe and secure is essential in accessing, and then living into, the unfiltered desire and mission of our soul’s purpose. This week, we invite you to do some self-inquiry and find out what you desire. What do you notice when you start to ask yourself questions about what you really want? Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:How we relate to desire as individuals and within the context of our marriage Unpacking the layers of conditioning that mask our desires The impacts on our relationship when we’re not leading from desire Why it can be hard to stay in contact with desire Rituals that support our connection to this marriage vowResources Mentioned: The Art Of We Weekly NewsletterGet in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

A power couple is fueled by two things: their love for each other and their internal drive to make a difference in the world. In this episode, we unpack our interpretation of what a power couple is, share questions that can help you determine whether you’re in a power partnership, and also explore ideas about how to get there. We've created the kind of partnership that we both dreamed was possible, but that doesn’t mean we’re standing on a power couple podium with a trophy in our hands. It requires a recommitment to the practice of taking a stand for our ‘We’ when we come up against challenges and ruptures. Instead of running away, we’re willing to have raw, direct conversations so we can continue to develop our skill sets and fulfill our shared vision. As a power couple, we’re regularly examining how we’re using our marriage to make the world a better place. In your relationship, it might look like a shared business or passion project, volunteering together, or deeply supporting each other’s journeys. We invite you to reflect on the unique makeup of your ‘We’ and determine how you connect to it in a way that's fulfilling, alive, and passionate. What is the most extraordinary gift that your ‘We’ could contribute to the world? And is your partner willing to walk that path with you? Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:Our definition of what a power couple is (and isn’t) What it means to take a stand for the kind of partnership that you desire Ways that we continue to develop as individuals and as a couple A question to spark a conversation about your purpose for being together as a couple Finding ways for you and your partner’s top priorities and passions to intermingle Resources Mentioned: Download the three critical conversation topics that will help you and your partner discuss how to cultivate a power couple dynamic: kristavanderveer.com The Art Of We Weekly NewsletterGet in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

When you’re asking yourself if you should stay in a relationship or leave it behind, it can feel painful and confusing, even heartbreaking. In our previous relationships, we grappled with this dilemma a lot and dealt with it in different ways. There are various scenarios that might lead you to question the future of your partnership, and in this episode, we share how we navigated that period of our lives and questions to help guide you through it if you find yourself there now. Maybe you’re in a situation where abuse is present, or infidelity, or perhaps you're tired of tolerating broken agreements. Sometimes the ‘should I stay or should I go’ question stems from living parallel lives or feeling misaligned with the life that your partner envisions for themselves. Being in that headspace can feel incredibly isolating and disempowering, but there are certain therapeutic tools that can support couples through it. There’s a process that's unique to each partnership that needs to happen in order to get clarity. We invite you to think about what kind of relationship you stand for and if this is mutually desired by both of you. Are you and your partner willing and capable to do the work to achieve what you desire together? Join us on this episode as we explore this question, and more like it, to gain insight into if you should stay or if you should go. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:The possibility for creating the type of partnership that has the capacity for deep collaboration, connection, and contribution to the worldUntangling how the relationship patterns that we witnessed as children often inform what we're willing to accept as adults Reflecting on the ways that we contributed to the outcomes that we created in the pastHow Will and his ex-wife came to the conclusion to end their marriage Krista’s ‘North Star’ moment when she claimed the type of relationship she wanted for herself Questions to consider about the circumstances of your relationship Resources Mentioned: The Art Of We Weekly NewsletterGet in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

Working with defensiveness is like an art. We’ve found that explicitly talking about what we each need when we are in a defensive state has really supported us to more easily and successfully make it through those fiery and challenging times. In this episode, we explore the impact of defensiveness, ways that we support ourselves and our partners in the heat of the moment.Like most behavior changes, a great first step is to notice when and why we default to certain thought patterns or actions. When you look at what’s underneath the layer of defense, you’ll discover the vulnerability that’s being masked by anger or self-righteousness. This process can often reveal an unmet need and create space for deeper repair. In our conversation, we share tips to help minimize and eventually resolve defensiveness within relationships. With the help of a couples therapist or relationship coach, there are ways to engage in painful moments in a collaborative way, but it requires a willingness to see the opportunities that exist within defensiveness. Our invitation this week is to notice when you or your partner get defensive and reflect on what's actually happening for you. The more you can become self-aware about your own defensiveness, the quicker you're going to be able to repair it and develop a deeper connection. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:How to work with defensiveness inside of a relationshipLeaning into the curiosity for how your actions impact other people How to start a conversation that’s focused on more than right versus wrong Ideas for crafting an agreement with your partner around what happens when you encounter defensivenessRelationship advice for when one partner is unwilling to changegA reminder that a deeper type of collaborative partnership is real and available to you Resources Mentioned: The Art Of We Weekly NewsletterGet in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

Do you have control over your perfectionism or does it have control over you? Today we get into the pros and cons of perfectionism and the impact it has on our “We.” We illustrate ways that we work with perfectionism, both individually and together, and also the ripple effect that it has on our relationship when we don’t address it.Perfectionism tends to get a bad rap, but when it doesn’t have you in its grip, it can be used as a tool to strive for better quality and continued improvement. It’s when we spiral into obsession and stress that we start to question our worthiness, safety, and validity. Like so many aspects of our psychology, those reactions are often linked to imprints from childhood. When we notice the talons of perfectionism sinking into one another, we like to gently make contact with each other and work through the root cause of that behavior. Sometimes it looks like parts work, other times it’s meditation, movement, or just changing up the routine to get out of our heads and into our bodies. Our challenge to you this week is to notice where perfectionism comes up for you: How does it serve you? How does it stifle you? How does it impact your partner?Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:Reflecting on how perfectionism affects our quality of life and world togetherThe aspect of perfectionism that feels fun and empowering How the feedback we received as children connects to our relationship with perfectionism as adults  Examples of where our perfectionistic tendencies show up What we like to do individually and together when we notice an unhealthy attachment to specific outcomes Resources Mentioned: The Art Of We Weekly NewsletterGet in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

As mission-based people, it’s culturally acceptable to constantly be tethered to our phones, but what happens when being at the beck and call of our business gets in the way of authentic and deep connection? In this episode, we explore the impact that technology overuse has on our relationship and work on crafting a new agreement about using our phones after working hours. Since starting the Integrative Psychiatry Institute in 2018, we’ve largely been in startup mode. Now that the team is built out and there’s more operational support, it’s not solely on Will to put out fires anymore. But, shifting out of the habit of picking up the phone for every ping and ding hasn’t come naturally. In our conversation, we unpack the effects of unconscious phone usage and how it touches on our childhood wounding. We workshop ways that we can come to an understanding, rather than operate from a place of fear or insecurity. We also look at ways that having boundaries around technology can create more sovereignty over our attention and energy. Our invitation this week is to work with your partner to understand why there’s something interfering with your connection, technology or otherwise, and discuss the impact it has on your relationship. With that foundation, it’s easier to collaborate on a win-win solution. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:Becoming more conscious of what we spend our time on, particularly outside the office Learning how to express the need for contact and attention Experimenting with an agreement about how we use technology in the evening Ways that social media might be covering up a lack of authentic connection How we can experience more freedom by practicing constraint Resources Mentioned: The Art Of We Weekly NewsletterGet in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

In this episode, we unpack five signs that your relationship might be in trouble or indicate roadblocks to creating the type of partnership that’s a powerful and positive force to be reckoned with. In our combined 40 years of being in relationship, we share why these five are at the top of the list and are crucial to address for a long-term fulfilling and extraordinary “We.”It’s easy to create a partnership based on cultural or familial messages of what it looks like to be in relationship: “if my partner really loves me then I don’t need to change,” “choose your battles and don’t bother with the rest,” or “don’t address the small things - just be grateful for what you have.”However, it takes real work and courage to create a partnership based on the authentic values and explicit desires of each partner in the relationship. In our experience, the work is well worth the reward of what becomes possible for the individuals and the couple as a result.In our conversation, we share personal examples where we get stuck, how our relationship is a continual learning path for us, and we offer encouragement and suggestions for anyone who experiences the signs we mention in this episode. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:Why we believe that we can do more together than we can alone Understanding the deeper impact of your actions and committing to changing those patterns Actively choosing to view challenges as opportunities for growth The spectrum of shared and individual responsibility How to tell if there’s fear-based interdependence in your relationship Working through the fears that might prevent you from fully supporting your partner’s success Resources Mentioned: The Art Of We Weekly NewsletterPassionate Marriage by David Schnarch Our episode on unmanaged thirds 14. Handling External Distractions + Shiny Objects   Get in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

In this episode, we take a look at the (unsexy) impact of complaining inside primary relationships and we share our agreement around holding and handling complaints in our marriage. When it comes to personal development and deepening relationships, there often comes a point when we’re faced with the reality of how complaining hinders our growth and possibilities. When there’s a lingering sense of negativity, it can limit the opportunities for connection, mutual empowerment, collaboration and feeling of joy being together.There’s nothing wrong with the cathartic venting, but we like to take it a step further. When both partners view complaining as an opportunity to grow, it’s a game changer. Allowing space for venting is easy with the understanding that we're going to also get to a place of owning our part and exploring solutions together. Under every complaint we can find a request and a path forward that feels empowering. In our conversation, we dive into examples of what this agreement looks like in our marriage and professional relationships. Our invitation this week is to use this episode as a jumping off point and open up the conversation with someone in your life who you feel could use a new perspective on complaining. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:The root causes of complaining Actively choosing to limit complaints and get curious about why you’re doing it The different impacts of being positional versus venting The hidden value of complainingAdvice for anybody who’s dealing with a habitually negative or disempowered person in their life Resources MentionedThe Art Of We Weekly NewsletterGet in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

One of the foundational agreements we’ve made in our partnership is a commitment to “true mutuality” and “mutual responsibility.” In this episode, we elaborate on what it looks like to bring mutual ownership to all of our outcomes, how we work with cultural programming regarding roles and responsibilities, and how we work through challenges that come up in this collaborative approach. For us, true mutuality means having equal power and equal say in our partnership. Mutual responsibility means no one person can be blamed for failures or given sole credit for our successes. Both of us are responsible. We get into examples of what we’re currently working on and what we’re doing to support each other’s success in meeting those expectations. Small ruptures like clashing over taking out the trash or tidying the house have given us opportunities for examining our own cultural programming and then having the opportunity to make different choices together per our agreement. In our conversation, we address the benefits and challenges of taking on this agreement of mutuality, and how couples can integrate shared responsibility when someone in the partnership is neurodivergent or struggles with their mental health. Our invitation for you this week is to investigate where you feel like you and your partner have defaulted into a siloed mentality when it comes to responsibility. Is that working for you, or are you excited by the possibilities that we touch on in this episode? That reflection could be the first step towards more self-awareness and having a conversation about it with your partner.Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:The benefits of working with your partner to integrate true responsibility and mutualityWhere couples typically get stuck when creating agreements and systems of shared responsibilityExamples of how we aim to uphold this vow in our everyday lives Catching where cultural programming takes over and challenges the ‘We’ approach Prioritizing the inspired quality that you want for your partnership above all else Resources MentionedThe Art Of We Weekly NewsletterGet in Touch: Art Of We WebsiteArt of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

The rise of psychedelic-assisted therapy marks a new phase in mental health care, but the modality is wrapped up in layers of misinformation and stigma. After Will joined the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies as a study physician, our understanding of psychedelic therapy completely shifted. In this episode, we discuss the impactful results of key clinical trials and what the future of psychedelic therapy looks like based on where we are today, particularly as it relates to FDA approval. We also dig into how psychedelic therapy for couples can open up the possibility for resolving conflict, increasing intimacy and collaboration, and working through challenging topics.As an MDMA therapist, Will has witnessed how the use of psychedelics can lead to life-changing mental health outcomes in patients suffering from PTSD. The process can help people understand the imprints from their childhood in a way that traditional talk therapy often cannot. These patterns tend to show up as attachment styles in adulthood and can provide insight into what’s causing friction in our relationships. Not only are we advocates for psychedelic therapy, but we are especially passionate about how we believe it will support awakening inside couples. Additionally, when couples adopt the perspective of taking mutual responsibility for the healing of each other’s injuries inside of the “We” together, there’s new possibilities to reach new levels of secure attachment, understanding, potency and connection as a couple. If you’re in a partnership, our challenge for you this week is to look at the ways that you might be indicating to your partner that you should hold and fix your injuries alone, and vice versa. You may want to have a conversation about where this idea stems from and explore ways to heal together. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:The future of psychedelic therapy and limitations of ordinary psychotherapyWhat research is showing about psychedelic therapy response rates for people with depression and PTSDEncouraging results that Will has seen as an MDMA therapist Topics that can be addressed inside a couples session with the use of psychedelics Developing a deeper, more nuanced commitment to your partner and their injuriesResources Mentioned: Integrative Psychiatry Institute - Psychedelic-Assisted Therapy TrainingIntegrative Psychiatry Center  - Ketamine Therapy Clinic Get in Touch: Art Of We WebsiteArt of We Instagram Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.