The Art of We

If you're in a relationship, you most likely experience conflict. It doesn’t always look like explosive fights or constant bickering — it might also manifest as living parallel lives, lacking deeper connection and having different priorities. In this episode, we share what we believe is at the source of this conflict for couples and our strategy for moving into a more collaborative “We” experience that has the capacity to realize a greater purpose together.When we have different priorities (or “values”)  than one another, it’s easy to perceive each other’s priorities as conflicting. This can show up in differences of how we each want to spend our time or having different needs and goals than our partner. When this happens we can get stubborn, get defensive, or give in. However, there’s an alternative approach that creates an entirely different possibility, one that not only meets everyone’s needs but also creates a new stage of more security, strength and potency for what a couple can achieve together. This approach inspires us to take full responsibility for cultivating a dynamic relationship that contributes on a greater level.In this episode we share three different stages that couples go through and how at the highest stage our values are not conflicting at all – rather they are actually the blueprint for the greater purpose of the “We.” We work through examples of our own experience, and how this process is helping us earn secure attachment at a whole new level. If you're interested in exploring this concept further, we recommend checking out Dr. John Demartini's Values Determination Process. If your partner is also willing to go through the steps, it’s a great starting point to have a conversation about your findings and where you can begin linking your top values with each other. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:Tools for deprogramming any internalized values and understanding your true priorities How we got back in alignment when our priorities were out of sync A tool for holding the “We” in a supportive way, especially inside of conflictDeepening the security and strength of possibilities within your relationship How we’re experiencing conflict at this stage in our partnership Resources MentionedLearn more about Dr. Demartini's work Stan Tatkin (earning secure attachment)Get in Touch: Art Of We WebsiteArt of We Instagram Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

The Netflix series called “How to Build a Sex Room” is sparking conversations for us around sex, sensuality, and pleasure. In this episode, we share our review of the series and unpack topics including deprogramming cultural norms, why a sex room could be supportive in a partnership, the conversations many couples don’t have, and personal shares of what we’re doing to expand our expression of authentic desire in the bedroom. “How to Build a Sex Room” features couples who turn to interior designer Melanie Rose to co-create a sacred sex space in their home. On the show, you can see how the design process helps the couples open up about their sexual needs and expand their pleasure toolbox. There’s a true celebration of diversity in sexual expression on the show and it brings this taboo subject to a broader audience. For us, the show highlights how sensitive it can be for couples when they don't have the tools to communicate about their sex life. It has us thinking about the common problems that different genders face around sexual performance and pleasure. Building a sex room is awesome, but if couples aren’t doing the deeper work together, there’s a lot of missed opportunity.This week, we invite you to take an honest look at the way you navigate pleasure and sexuality in your life. Are you satisfied at the deepest level? If not, what tools or support might help you get there? Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:What we think the show does really well and where we think it’s lackingExploring idea of “how you show up in the bedroom is how you show up in life” and how we can use the bedroom to develop our sovereignty Personal shares about our own challenges with pleasure together and with previous partnersThe challenge of cultural programming and it’s stifling grip on what sexuality and pleasure should and shouldn’t look likeNormalizing sexuality and accepting difference in individuals and communities Resources MentionedHow to Build a Sex Room on Netflix  The Verdant Collective Caffyn JesseGet in Touch: Art Of We WebsiteArt of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry InstituteKrista’s InstagramWill’s InstagramRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

Our agreement to “protect each other in public and in private, even from ourselves,” helps us experience higher levels of  trust and security in our partnership. This commitment requires that we examine less conscious behaviors and patterns that can easily slip under the radar and create undesirable impacts on our “We.” In this episode, we discuss what this looks like in practice and why it’s so important for us. Have you ever heard someone complaining or putting their partner down, even if in a joking way? Not only is it uncomfortable to witness, but it also reveals where there are unmet needs or unresolved issues in the partnership. When they’re not addressed inside the partnership, these issues leak out sideways and can cause public misunderstandings or inaccurate filters about your partner and ultimately cause insecurity in the relationship. Protecting each other from ourselves requires us to take an honest look at the unspoken judgements, jabs or filters that we have towards our partner. Left unmanaged, we are not being for our partner or their success, and we are not doing the work necessary for a secure and extraordinary “We.”. In this episode we share examples of where we struggle as a couple and how we work through challenges. We invite you to take a candid look at one of your relationships: do you not feel protected in some way or where you might not be protecting the other person? If so it’s a great opportunity to deepen your relationship by discussing it and potentially come to a new agreement together around this topic. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:The benefits of feeling protected and cared for by your partner Letting each other have autonomy over their story and what’s shared in public How this agreement ties into our commitment to reduce the damage of unmanaged thirds Getting curious about your reaction first before immediately responding Being a witness to your tone, voice, and delivery when you communicate Resources MentionedOur episode on unmanaged thirds: 14. Handling External Distractions + Shiny Objects Get in Touch: Art Of We WebsiteArt of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry InstituteKrista’s InstagramWill’s InstagramRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

When outside situations or people become a source of distraction to one of the partners in a relationship, or poses a threat to the connection of the two partners, we often refer to this as an ‘unmanaged third.’ When left unattended, it can be a major catalyst for causing rupture and disconnection. In our conversation, we illustrate some examples of unmanaged thirds in our dynamic and how we deal with them together as a team so that we can build more security in our partnership.With unmanaged thirds, it’s all about coming back into sovereignty, rather than letting something else negatively and unconsciously influence our “We.” Managing the third together requires a high level of self-awareness and the willingness to take responsibility for our participation and blind spots. In this episode, we share our process for working through external threats like cellphones, flirty texts, and passion projects. We also discuss the fear of an unmanaged third and what we did in a recent situation when that came up at an event. This week’s challenge is to take a look at one of your relationships and note where you feel some disconnection or where you already know there's an unmanaged third. See if you can identify it, and if so, consider taking a step towards actually talking about it with the other person. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:Common examples of unmanaged thirds Why addressing unmanaged thirds is essential for healthy “We’s”Examples in our own relationship of where we struggleComing up with plans to deal with external distractionsDeveloping more security in relationship Communicating discomfort and prioritizing connectionGet in Touch: Art Of We websiteArt of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry InstituteKrista’s InstagramWill’s InstagramRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

When someone says or does something that negatively impacts you, what’s your default assumption about their intention? It’s hard to assume positive intent when you feel triggered, but committing to that as a practice is an opportunity for taking greater leadership in relationship.We’ve made it a vow to practice getting into each other’s worlds around impact and intention, and in today's episode, we explore what that looks like for us and how you can apply it to your relationships. We break down a couple of scenarios to illustrate how we gain strength in our secure attachment by assuming positive intent when negatively impacted, and also by taking greater responsibility for the impact we have on each other.There’s a certain framework that we use to understand each other’s perspective and hold ourselves accountable for our words and actions. As always, we invite you to take what resonates with you and use it to whatever degree you see fit. We also have a challenge for you: practice this concept where it's a little bit uncomfortable, and let us know what happens. We really want to know what you're learning and what you notice. Feel free to share your thoughts with us in our DMs on Instagram at @artofwepodcast.  Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:What we mean by assuming positive intent It’s not an excuse to avoid uncomfortable conversationsSteps to take when we’ve been negatively impactedElevating your leadership by taking responsibility for the impact of your words and actions Understanding how rare it is for someone to actually have harmful intentions Get in Touch: Art Of We websiteArt of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry InstituteKrista’s InstagramWill’s InstagramRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

It’s essential to find true alignment in decision making when operating from ‘the We’ perspective, whether it's intimate or business, to help us accomplish our goals, stay on track with our mission, and develop a deeper connection with each other. And, it’s not always easy!In this episode, we discuss our agreement to put ‘the We’ first when making decisions and work through an example of what we do when we aren’t in agreement about how to move forward. There’s an elevated level of autonomy when we’re making decisions together. By operating in “the We,” there’s space to discover freedom for the greater endeavor that we can create together. In short, with greater responsibility comes greater freedom, which is far from the typical ‘I’ mindset. But, what happens when we’re not in the same place around how to work towards our goals? We’ve been bumping up against the decision to share more about our intimate experiences on the show. We share what our process looks like to get into each other's world and work towards a decision that honors both of our needs. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:What happens when you don’t feel considered in a decision What it means to be in alignment with your partner Why systems need to collaborate in order to thrive Different levels of freedom through the lens of “We” versus “I” Example questions to clarify misunderstandings and acknowledge your partner’s perspectiveResources MentionedAlan Watts recordings on Spotify Get in Touch: Art Of We websiteArt of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry InstituteKrista’s InstagramWill’s InstagramRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly. 

We’ve found that getting stuck in our familiar victim mindset patterns often stops us from achieving the goals and desires that we deeply hold in our hearts. So, what can we do from a psychological perspective to get out of our own way? In this episode, we share the different tools and modalities that we personally use to address challenging imprints from childhood that can cause unwanted results. We’ve found that doing this victim mentality healing inside of a partnership is especially helpful for discovering blindspots and unconscious behaviors. We all hold core stories about who we are and what’s possible for our lives, but we don’t often stop to think about where those beliefs come from. In our conversation, we break down some real-life examples that we’ve experienced recently. We describe breakthroughs that we’ve had with EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), psychedelic-assisted therapy, and PACT couples therapy. We highlight some of the key elements of trauma work and ways to safely explore your past. We also discuss the connection that these inquiries have with liberation, success, and goal-setting. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:Identifying a victim mentality and developing a healthy relationship with that perspective Understanding why we self-sabotage and fall off track with our goals Clues that we use to see how our history affects our present actions How doing trauma work has unlocked growth and opportunities for usTools to become more aligned with inspiring goals and aspirations Get in Touch: Art Of We websiteArt of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry InstituteKrista’s InstagramWill’s InstagramRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly. 

What do you do when your core connection and trust in your desire is called into question? We’ve all had experiences that have rocked our foundations, perhaps the loss of a loved one, an unwelcome career change, or in our case recently, the unexpected damage and demolition of our dream home. In this episode, we explore the idea of faith in the spiritual context and discuss what we do when we’re feeling disconnected from that higher power. In previous episodes, we’ve mentioned the lengthy remodel we did on our house this past year. The whole process had us second-guessing our desire and intuition, and ultimately required us to have faith that the universe was throwing us challenges so that we could really savor the beauty on the other side. That doesn’t mean, though, that there weren't many days where we spiraled into victimhood. We share ways that we create mental space for new solutions and perspectives when life feels like a constant uphill battle. We talk about having a mature relationship with desire and navigating that middle ground between fantasy and completely ignoring your inner calling. We also pose some questions to consider in your end-of-year reflection. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:What’s getting in the way of having faith on a daily basis Our experience of desire and faith through the lens of our home Strategies for getting back in touch with your faith Taking responsibility for your experience Prompts to guide your understanding of faith and desire Resources Mentioned:Life Between Lives by Michael NewtonMany Lives, Many Masters by Brian L. Weiss   Get in Touch: Art Of We websiteArt of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry InstituteKrista’s InstagramWill’s InstagramRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly. 

One of the foundational elements for us as individuals and within our relationship is to take a stand for our mission and vision. In this episode, we explore the long-term goals that we have for our careers and marriage. There’s a deep emotional commitment required for making your dreams come true. That drive often directs your action, communication, and mindset. Since we opened the Integrative Psychiatry Institute four years ago, we’ve been focused on scaling in a way that doesn't sacrifice quality. Within our personal lives, our anchor has been the vision for our securely-attached, mission-based partnership. But, there are also seasons where you might feel like you’re in a defense mode and simply trying to survive. We discuss some of the tools and questions that have been helpful in getting us back on course and re-connected to a central vision and mission. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:What it means for us to take a stand Having the courage to claim your orientation and commitment to your mission The question that radically changed how Will takes a stand for diminishing the limitations in mental health care Powerful thought downloads that we’ve experienced around this topic What the world needs now for humanity to heal and get to the next level of wellness Resources MentionedIf you want to dive in deeper into these conversations, we do have a download on our website that can give you more questions. Go to kristavanderveer.com to check out that resource. Get in Touch: Art of We websiteArt of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry InstituteKrista’s InstagramWill’s InstagramRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly. 

One of the greatest gifts we can give somebody is to generously listen to them. When we tune in for the contribution, value, or lesson of what someone is saying, we create a new level of commitment and presence.So often, people compose their responses while the other person is talking. Instead of listening with curiosity and intention, we put up unconscious filters and get distracted. By practicing generous listening, you can open up more possibilities and deeper understanding in your conversations. In this episode, we work through a live example of an emotionally-charged topic to demonstrate how generous listening provides space for vulnerable, restorative discussions. We also look at this methodology through the lens of parenthood, especially with teenagers and young adults. We explore the profound impact that generous listening has had on our relationship and our ability to assume positive intent with each other. Listen in to learn more about taking yourself off autopilot and becoming a more present listener. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. Topics Covered:Examples of listening filters that we have Tuning into the physical and emotional cues that you need to listen generouslyWhere Krista has found some of the greatest insights and gems in this practiceTaking responsibility for the impact of your listening What to do when you get distracted in a conversation Recognizing when you’re being a stingy listener Resources MentionedDownload our “3 Game Changing Conversations For Couples” guide at kristavanderveer.com Learn more about The Collaborative Way Get in Touch: Art of We websiteArt of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry InstituteKrista’s InstagramWill’s InstagramRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.