The Art of We

In this episode, we dive into over-merging in relationships, exploring the difference between healthy interdependence and codependency. Hear how attachment styles shape connection, balancing differing needs for contact, and prioritizing different needs for contact. We share our personal experiences of the power of co-regulation and how couples can create agreements that support both individuals and the we of their partnership. This episode offers valuable insights and practical tools to help you and your partner thrive.“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer(00:00) Over-or-under merging is a path of development(01:20) What is "the We"?(02:44) The effects of over-merging (03:45) Influence of Attachment styles (06:37) Healthy individuation as a key relationship goal(08:47) When a need for contact is covering up a deeper wound(11:00) Taking responsibility for our own wounds (11:34) How supporting each other’s healing strengthens the partnership(13:53) Does the We always default to the highest need for contact?(16:43) The power of co-regulation in a relationship(18:24) Developing auto-regulation and self-soothing practices(19:50) Defining your shared purpose as a couple(21:51) The importance of self-awareness (23:06) Final thoughts and listener appreciationReach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!Resources Mentioned: Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements Get in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform.

In part 2, Bari Tessler shares her framework for Couples Money Dates, how to navigate power imbalances when one partner earns more, financial polarization & hidden money dynamics, the mental & emotional loads of money in partnerships, how to teach kids about money (without passing down shame), somatic tools to shift your relationship with money. If you want more financial intimacy, clarity, and teamwork in your partnership, this one’s for you!“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer(00:00) Power, control, and financial conditions in childhood(02:09) Money and power dynamics in relationships(04:28) The first step to financial healing(10:51) Navigating financial inequality in partnerships & gender role expectations(12:01) Mental load, household labor & financial responsibility(15:45) Financial shifts in long-term relationships & life transitions(19:36) Couples Money Dates: The 4 phases for financial intimacy & teamwork(29:23) Releasing shame & continually evolving(30:28) Teaching kids about money(34:33) How to talk to kids about financial privilege(37:24) Turning toward money conversations rather than avoiding themReach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!Resources Mentioned: Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements Bari Tessler: The Art Of MoneySoul Of Money - L. TwistPrince Charming Isn’t Coming - B. StannyFair Play - E. RodskyThe Opposite Of Spoiled - R. LieberMake Your Kid A Money Genius - B. KoblinerGet in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform.

In this episode, financial therapy pioneer Bari Tessler joins us to explore the deep connections between money, shame, and relationships. Hear how money stories and family lineage shape financial behaviors, why couples often polarize around money, and how the Enneagram can offer insight into financial dynamics. Bari emphasizes the power of financial therapy and somatic practices in healing and empowerment around money. “The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer(00:00) Money stories and lineage influences(00:23) Intro to Bari Tessler(04:27) Life phases & money decisions(06:07) Navigating income fluctuations(07:36) The power of open financial conversations in couples(08:38) Understanding money shame & its impact(10:52) Why somatic therapy & financial therapy(13:05) Healing shame about money(14:50) Somatic awareness & money conversations(20:52) Money struggles in helping professions(25:48) Family & culture influences on money(27:13) Enneagram types & money(30:39) How money work reveals new insights in partnerships(31:58) Why couples polarize around money(36:05) Identifying financial polarizations in couples(36:38) Introduction to Couples Money Dates for financial alignmentReach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!Resources Mentioned: Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements Bari Tessler: The Art Of MoneyCouples Therapy on ShowTimeGet in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform. 

Relationship therapist and couples coach Ellen Boeder joins us to explore the intersection of attachment, power dynamics, and secure functioning in partnerships. We discuss how power imbalances can emerge in relationships, the difference between secure and insecure functioning, and how couples can cultivate true mutuality. “The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer(00:00) Why secure functioning matters in relationships(03:26) What defines secure vs. insecure relationships? (06:22) How power struggles emerge in insecure relationships(09:37) Three key factors that shape relationship dynamics(13:20) The role of trust, safety, and confidence in a secure partnership(16:29) Why repair is the key to lasting security in relationships(19:12) How resentment builds over time(22:03) How unresolved relationship struggles affect personal growth(26:41) Unspoken power dynamics: How to recognize and address them(30:55) The difference between equity and equality in partnerships(33:11) Why agreements are essential for long-term success(36:04) Building a secure relationship with yourself as a foundation for partnership(38:23) Final thoughts: The power of conscious relationship modelingReach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!Resources Mentioned: Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements Therapist & Coach Ellen BoederEllen Boeder on SubstackGet in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform.

In this episode, we explore how small yet intentional agreements can help heal deep relational wounds and foster secure, connected partnerships. We share our personal experiences with one of our core relationship agreements and how it has transformed our injuries from the past. Through this lens, we invite listeners to reflect on your own insecurities and explore how agreements can be a powerful tool for healing, trust, and deeper intimacy.“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer(00:00) Introduction: How small agreements can heal deep relational wounds(02:23) The power of secure functioning: Why this agreement matters(03:39) Will’s experience: Healing past wounds through loving “hellos”(06:23) The importance of eye contact and intentional connection when reuniting(06:53) Krista’s experience: The impact of past loss and saying “goodbye with care”(08:29) How practicing intentional goodbyes builds trust and security(09:36) Where do insecurities show up in your relationship? A reflection for listeners(10:42) Identifying personal wounds and creating agreements to heal them(12:58) Balancing personal preferences and mutual care in a partnership(14:51) Final reflections: The impact of small actions on long-term intimacy(15:21) Closing thoughts: Inviting listeners to explore new agreementsReach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!Resources Mentioned: Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements Get in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform.

In this episode, Krista and Will Van Derveer dive into the power of relational agreements and how they help couples navigate cultural conditioning, power dynamics, and historical wounds. They share their personal journey of creating a partnership built on mutuality and responsibility—key ingredients for a thriving, purpose-driven relationship. Tune in for insights on how agreements can foster growth, repair, and deeper connection in your own relationship.“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer(00:00) Introduction: Why mutuality and cultural conditioning matter in relationships(02:15) The origin of their relational agreements and how they became wedding vows(06:45) Why agreements are essential for navigating challenges and preventing resentment(09:30) Overcoming gendered conditioning: Housework, emotional labor, and sharing responsibility(14:20) Personal reflections: How past wounds shape relational dynamics(18:45) The power of speaking up: Creating a safe space for emotional expression(22:15) How agreements help rewrite the stories we carry from past relationships(26:40) Practical steps: How to start creating mutual agreements with your partner(30:20) Conversation prompts: How to surface unspoken dynamics and unmet needs(35:00) Final thoughts: The importance of evolving agreements as relationships growReach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!Resources Mentioned: Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements Get in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform.

In this heartfelt episode, we explore the delicate dynamics of sexual approaches in relationships, diving into how cultural conditioning, gender roles, and personal trauma can create friction. We share our own challenges, uncovering misunderstandings and the steps we’re taking to heal and grow. If you’ve faced similar struggles or want to deepen your intimacy, this episode offers relatable insights and practical tools to foster safety, connection, and collaboration.“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer(00:00) Setting the stage for an intimate and important conversation(01:58) Exploring gender dynamics & cultural conditioning in sexual approaches(03:53) Discrepancy in sexual agency: Social & cultural patterns that prioritize male desire(07:18) Past trauma and its influence on intimacy(11:48) Animalistic side of male sexuality and its cultural roots(16:07) How trauma triggers show up in sexual approaches(23:54) Tools for creating safety: Collaborating to build trust and openness in intimacy(24:56) Scheduled intimacy vs. spontaneity(28:32) Reflective questions for listeners to explore in their own relationship(29:30) The importance of slowing down and co-creating safety in relationshipsReach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!Resources Mentioned: Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements Episode 94: How To Prioritize Your Sex LifeGet in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform.

In this episode, Krista and Dr. Will Van Derveer announce a new series focusing on creating equitable partnerships. They discuss taking a brief break until mid-January 2025 and announce updated "Top 10 Agreements" available on their website. The episode emphasizes their commitment to exploring power dynamics, fairness, and mutual success in relationships, particularly from their perspective as a heterosexual couple. They share questions for the listeners to reflect on regarding equity in their own relationships during the holiday break.“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer(0:00) - The importance of conscious conversations about equity in partnerships(3:11) - Will discusses the historical context of power dynamics in relationships and their commitment to fairness(4:19) - Why chose to pursue an equitable partnership despite social norms(5:24) - Podcast break explanation and plans to return mid-January 2025(7:21) - Reflection questions for listeners about equity in their relationships(8:43) - The importance of honest self-reflection in partnerships(10:05) - Discussion of year-end review and goal assessment(10:47) - Closing remarks and holiday wishesReach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!Resources Mentioned: Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements Get in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform.

In this unique and candid episode, Will is interviewed by Krista about the inner workings of relationship and his personal journey toward creating a thriving partnership. Through spontaneous questions and random sentence stems, Will shares vulnerably about navigating challenges – from bathroom counter disputes to deeper questions of maintaining connection – and offers practical wisdom for anyone seeking to build a more conscious and fulfilling relationship. “The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer(0:00) Opening reflection on how people make meaningful changes in relationships (3:22) Will shares his journey from feeling alone in previous partnerships to discovering the possibility of healthy interdependence (6:24) Discussion of how to handle daily conflicts while maintaining connection (12:06) Practical advice for developing better listening skills and emotional range in relationships (15:10) Will reveals what initially attracted him to Krista beyond physical attraction - depth and generous connection (20:02) Vulnerable exploration of relationship challenges, including managing contact and connection (23:01) Closing thoughts on empathy and understanding others' perspectives as key to better relationshipsReach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from our listeners!Resources Mentioned: Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements Get in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform.

Are you an ambitious, growth-oriented person who finds yourself stuck in frustrating relationship patterns? In this episode of The Art of We podcast, we explore how positive thinking—usually an asset for high achievers—can actually become a relationship blind spot. Learn how to distinguish between healthy optimism and "false positivity" that keeps you invested in misaligned partnerships or painful relationship patterns, and discover practical ways to create the deeply fulfilling relationship you truly desire.“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer & Dr. Will Van Derveer(00:00) Warning signs of false positivity: Recognizing cycles of hope & hopelessness in relationships(01:25) The achievement trap: “Fixing" relationship problems solo instead of addressing them with partners(03:58) The hidden costs of conflict avoidance: Self-development as an excuse to avoid necessary relationship conversations(11:18) Actions vs. words: Pay attention to your partner's behavior, not their promises(14:22) The maturity factor: Moving from hope/despair cycles to grounded conversations about relationship goals(17:14) Essential self-reflection questions: Are you using positivity to mask relationship misalignment?(20:06) The power of outside perspective: Trusted friends are crucial for seeing relationship patterns clearlyReach out with your thoughts, experiences, and topics you want to hear about. We love hearing from you!Resources Mentioned: Our Top 10 Relationship Agreements Get in Touch: The Art Of We WebsiteThe Art of We Instagram Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Psychedelic Therapy TrainingRate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly. Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform.