Neurodiverse Love with Mona Kay

Greg Fuqua came into the counseling profession a few years ago after spending more then 20 years working as a professional artist and teaching at 10 different schools.  He is an AANE certified therapist and has been on his own neurodiverse journey for the past few years.  During this episode, Greg shares how Internal Family Systems has made a difference in his life and how he uses it to help guide others on their healing journey.  Greg also talks about: His autism discovery and his relationship with himself and how he has reworked his narrative and life. Some of the challenges he experienced in his marriage and how his wife knew he was autistic, but didn't tell him as she thought it was his journey to discover.   How he had less capacity for perspective taking and empathy because he was stressed out and needed things a certain way. That the most important thing is your relationship with yourself and how his "self-identification" led to self-empathy. Letting go of rigidity allowed him to have more space for his emotions. How his group and family therapist have been resistant to his autism identification. That you can't change the past, but you can work on growing and improving the way you show up in your relationships with your partner, children and family. How art and soccer helped him find himself. The impact of relational trauma prior to identifying as autistic. That IFS is a relational model for working with yourself and your history and it is the most important tool he has for his autistic clients, as it helps teach relational skills with yourself and others. That IFS has also helped him create a dialogue and deeper understanding of himself.  Including "radical acceptance" of the good intention of his "parts".  Teaching people how important it is to know their bodies and understand when they feel differently and are being "triggered"  and their "protective parts" are taking over. Autistic people being overprotective because of difficulty they may have had fitting in and not being able to read social cues. Understanding how to give your "parts" enough "space" to be a compassionate witness and learn what is happening inside, and how this can also be applied to other relationships.   Once you have self-empathy, you can have empathy for others.  Perspective taking, availability, self-awareness and flexibility can start happening. How symbolism, metaphors, art, fantastical and spiritual thinking can be helpful. Neurodiverse couples can begin to reimagine their relationships and create a window of understanding for each other's internal experiences.  Creating more compassion, curiosity, and depth of understanding for each other's differences. Neurodiverse relationships require constant renegotiation with yourself, your romantic partner, and your family. You can contact Greg at: www.lifeworksdm.com or through his profile on Psychology Today. If you are interested in becoming an AANE certified therapist or coach, you can register at: aane.thinkific.com-Use code NeurodiverseLove25 for a 25% discount. If you liked this episode, please subscribe to the podcast so that you don't miss an episode.  If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love. If you are interested in joining one of the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/NT partners, please send Mona a DM or send an e-mail to neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com.  Mona is also offering support groups for Neurodiverse Couples. Please send an email to get info on cost & meeting dates. Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

During this episode, Margy Wakefield, AANE Certified Therapist & Coach shares the steps neurodiverse couples can practice to improve communication by implementing "Island Visits".  This tool can be used after "de-escalation", when both partners have a relaxed nervous system.  The key principles and steps are provided below: Understand that on each island we speak "our own language". Each island has its own neighborhoods.  Each neighborhood focuses on a different area of life: ie: work, family, etc.   In some neighborhoods we both may feel emotionally safe, however in others, we may need to work on creating more emotional safety. Visit only one neighborhood (issue) when you visit each other's island. Between the islands there is a space where we "live" and if often gets polluted by stress and our individual behaviors. The "space between" partners is "sacred" and both partners have a responsibility to keep it from getting polluted. We can consciously build a "bridge"  from one island to the other. The island host is the the one who wants to discuss an issue with their partner and they invite them to their island. As a partner "crosses the bridge" to make an island visit, it is important that they become "fully present", so that they can hear and understand what is being addressed. Use "I" messages during island visits.  No naming, blaming or shaming of your partner when you are visiting their island. Speak in short, concise sentences. The visitor repeats back what they heard the island host say.  They "mirror" what they heard and then can ask: "is that correct?" or  "is there more?" or "can you share that in another way, so I can better understand?" If we get "defensive" or "reactive" we have gone back to our own island and are not fully "present" for our partner. It takes courage to invite your partner to your island and we have to respect each partner's communication style and processing speed. If you would like to contact Margy you can check out her website at: margywakefield.com or email her at: margywakefield@gmail.com.  Margy also offers two monthly support groups for neurotypical partners.  The groups are offered through Zoom and take place on Tuesday afternoons or evenings.  -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you liked this episode, please subscribe to the podcast so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Mona is also offering support groups for Neurodiverse Couples.  If you and your partner are interested in joining a group, please send an e-mail with the heading "Neurodiverse Couples Group" to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com.  You will receive information about the cost and the dates for the next group. Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

On this episode of the podcast, AANE certified therapist, Daniel Dashnaw, from Couples Therapy, Inc. provides important information about how the stories and narratives we create, impact our neurodiverse relationships and our nervous systems.  He also addresses how partners may experience a polarity in emotional styles that can lead to a clash around the stories both partners "tell" themselves.  Daniel talks about how he helps both partners "slow down" and unpack the stories and narratives to create better understanding and reduce conflict in their relationship.  He also shares how he creates structure in conflict and provides couples with concrete tools that can be used to reduce nervous system overwhelm and flooding. Daniel also addresses: The challenges of marathon emotional sharing. The value of "soft start-ups" How a clash of expectations impacts both partners. How trauma impacts our brains. The importance of special interests for re-regulating the nervous system. Understanding the impact of mind-blindness. Finding ways to increase understanding of both partner's perspectives. Cognitive empathy. The importance of asking: "What kind of relationship do you want to have?; "What kind of partner do you want to be?"; and "What is the distance between the two?" If you are interested in contacting Daniel you can reach him at: www.couplestherapyinc.com _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you are interested in becoming an AANE certified therapist, or coach, or would like to register for the "Neurology Matters" training available through AANE for neurodiverse couples, or individuals in neurodiverse relationships, you can register at: aane.thinkific.com.  In addition, please use the discount code NeurodiverseLove25 to get 25% off the registration fee.  If you are looking for an AANE certified therapist or coach in your area, or want to learn more about AANE, please check out their website at: www.AANE.org -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you liked this episode, please subscribe to the podcast so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Mona is also offering support groups for Neurodiverse Couples.  If you and your partner are interested in joining a group, please send an e-mail with the heading "Neurodiverse Couples Group" to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com.  You will receive information about the cost and the dates for the next group. Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

Welcome to Episode 1 of Season 4 of the Neurodiverse Love podcast.  During this season, Mona will focus on a series of in-depth conversations with AANE certified therapists and coaches.  Mona is partnering with AANE and the Director of the Peter M. Friedman-Neurodiverse Couples Institute, Grace Myhill, so that more neurodiverse couples, and individuals in neurodiverse relationships, will have access to even more helping professionals throughout the world who understand how "neurology matters". During this episode you will learn why Grace and her colleagues at AANE created the "Neurolology Matters" training and certification for therapists and coaches. You will also learn about the training available for neurodiverse couples or individual partners.  Grace provides information on: *The Myhill/Jekel Model for Working with Neurodiverse Couples Therapy  *The 3 Core Components of the Model and an overview of each:  Component #1-Recognize Component #2-Understand  Component #3-Treat *The length of the training and certification process, as well as the modalities used. *Who should consider taking the training?  *The type of ongoing support offered to therapists and coaches who complete the training and certification.  *How to find an AANE certified therapist or coach.  *Other resources offered through AANE.org. If you are interested in becoming an AANE certified therapist or coach you can register at: aane.thinkific.com.  In addition, please use the discount code NeurodiverseLove25 to get 25% off the registration fee. If you want to contact Grace her e-mail address is: grace.myhill@aane.org  Other AANE certified therapists and coaches that have been guests on the Neurodiverse Love podcast during Season 3 are:  Jill Corvelli-S3-episode 31  Stephanie Holmes-S3-episode 21  Kathy McMahon-S3-episode 25  Michael McNulty-S3-episode 28  Cheryl Rhodes-S3-episode 32  Robin Tate-S3-episode 29  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------If you liked this episode, please subscribe to the podcast so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love  If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com  Mona is also offering support groups for Neurodiverse Couples.  If you and your partner are interested in joining a group, please send an e-mail with the heading "Neurodiverse Couples Group" to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com.  You will receive information about the cost and the dates for the next group.  Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

During Season 4 of the Neurodiverse Love podcast Mona is partnering with AANE.  She will be interviewing many of the therapists and coaches that have completed the AANE "Neurology Matters" training and certification through the AANE Peter M. Friedman Neurodiverse Couples Institute.  We hope you enjoy hearing from therapists and coaches in the US and Europe who are helping neurodiverse couples increase understanding and connection in their romantic relationships.  For more information about the AANE training and certification, please visit: www.AANE.org

Mona is going solo for the last episode of Season 3 to introduce "The Neurodiverse Love Relationship G.P.S. (Gaining Perspective for Success)"; Most of us use a GPS in our cars to help us get to our desired destinations.  However, even though we may know where we are headed, there may be traffic jams,  constructions zones, or accidents, that prevent us from getting to our destination on time, and by the route we had planned. Oftentimes, the relationship we thought we were in may change "a lot", as we learn more about how neurology impacts our relationship.  As we get to know each other, there are many opportunities for us to better understand ourselves and our partner.   Each of these opportunities is a "route" we can choose to travel. When we understand how each "route" can help us increase understanding, awareness and acceptance of the differences, strengths and challenges in our relationships-it can be a game changer!  However, even though both partners may want to get to the same "destination, (a successful relationship) the "routes" to navigate may look very different for each partner. The 12 "possible" routes in the Neurodiverse Love Relationship GPS can be used to help couples think about which roadblocks (misunderstandings) or slow downs (differences) they may want to address to get to their final destination.  Through the Neurodiverse Love newsletter, Mona will be providing more in-depth information on each of the 12 routes in the GPS.  So if you haven't subscribed to the newsletter please do so at: www.neurodiverselove.com The 12 routes in the Neurodiverse Love GPS are: Understand that each of you can have different perspectives and both be right. Appreciate and value your partner every day. Don't take things personal. Communication means different things to each of you. Understand each other's socializing needs. Sharing and understanding emotions can be challenging for anyone. Get together with your partner on a regular basis to plan, schedule and check-in. Understand and respect any sensory sensitivities you each may have. Make decisions together that will impact both of you. Share and schedule household responsibilities. Understand each other's physical and sexual intimacy needs and desires. Follow through and be consistent. The GPS can help neurodiverse couples answer yes to..."Can you see me? Can you hear me? Does anything I say mean anything to you"-Oprah Winfrey  _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please subscribe to the podcast so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Mona is also offering support groups for Neurodiverse Couples.  If you and your partner are interested in joining a group, please send an e-mail with the heading "Neurodiverse Couples Group" to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com.  You will receive information about the cost and the dates for the next group. Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

Dr. Theresa Regan is a neuropsychologist who has extensive experience working with autistic individuals and neurodiverse couples and she has been trained to work with adolescents, adults and aging adults.  During this episode she shares both her personal and professional experiences to help us better understand how to navigate the different seasons of a "Neurodiverse Love" relationship. The topics we address include: How does the dating relationship change when couples move in together, get married or have children? How relationship roles and structure can change through dating and beyond How scripts from tv and film help shape the dating process. How does masking affect relationship changes? When a romantic partner becomes a special interest and then another special interest becomes more important. What is a "just right" state and why can it be such a challenge? The importance of diagnosis for "self" and "other" awareness. Understanding roles and what it means to be "wired differently". Grieving for the relationship that was and accepting what is. Emotional and sensory overwhelm and understanding and supporting each other's needs. Being a "detective", rather then a "police officer". The importance of regular huddles. Self awareness and body changes as we age in our neurodiverse relationships. You can contact Dr. Regan at: adultandgeriatricautism@gmail.com or follow her on Instagram at: regan_autism For information on scheduling an ASD diagnosis appointment, call OSF Healthcare: 309-655-7378.  Listen to Dr. Regan's podcast: Autism in the Adult  or checkout her website at: www.adultandgeriatricautism.com You may also want to purchase her books: Understanding Autism in Adults and Aging Adults, 2nd Edition or Understanding Autistic Behaviors _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please subscribe to the podcast so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Mona is also offering support groups for Neurodiverse Couples.  If you and your partner are interested in joining a group, please send an e-mail with the heading "Neurodiverse Couples Group" to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com.  You will receive information about the cost and the dates for the next group. Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

On this episode of the podcast, Mona is joined by one of her best friends, Michelle.  They both share some of the experiences they have had with men they met on various dating apps who may have been neurodivergent.  A recent article in Psychology Today titled "The Rise of Lonely, Single Men. Men Need to Address Their Deficits to Meet Healthier Relationship Expectations", by Greg Matos, PsyD, addressed how women are expecting more emotional intelligence from men.   During this episode, Mona and Michelle discuss how some of the issues addressed in the article may be related to "undiagnosed adult autism".  Meeting lots of men in their 40's, 50's and 60's, who have never been married, or are recently divorced and have been in 1 or more marriages with a lot of social and emotional challenges, made us wonder if dating apps make it easier for men "on the spectrum" to date.  However, does this also create more challenges for non-autistic/neurotypical women?  More specifically, when you both have lots of social and emotional differences, how can you go from misunderstanding and judgment--to curiosity, awareness and acceptance? The conversation takes us down many paths including: Learning how to "not take things personally" Communication differences including: slow responses, long well-written texts and temporary ghosting Black and white thinking  Passion about special interests Rules and requirements in sexual and physical intimacy Sensory sensitivities Mind-blindness Social quotas Broken promises Not engaging in personal or emotional discussions Why are so many men seeking "no drama"? Compassion needed by both people _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please subscribe to the podcast so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Mona is also offering support groups for Neurodiverse Couples.  If you and your partner are interested in joining a group, please send an e-mail with the heading "Neurodiverse Couples Group" to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com.  You will receive information about the cost and the dates for the next group. Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

During this episode you will hear a little about the beautiful love story between Jennifer Cook and Brett Banks.  Jennifer Cook was identified as being on the spectrum in 2011.  She is the author of 9 bestselling books, the on-camera autistic expert in Netflix's Emmy-nominated series, "Love on the Spectrum-US" and has given presentations at the White House, the National Institute of Health and to royal audiences in Europe.  Brett Banks is a Nuclear Licensing Engineer who learned that he was on the spectrum a few years ago, although his ex-wife and daughter had shared this with him many years ago.  Brett now knows that "fairy tales" do come true and is living the life he only saw in movies:-).  Together, they have 7 kids, a lot of love and understanding and sometimes feel like the same person in two bodies.  In their marriage, they both feel safe to be their authentic selves with each other and they are thriving in their "Neurodiverse Love" relationship. During this episode we talk about: How Jennifer and Brett met Their autism identification journey The "family of origin" connections  Feeling things "SO DEEPLY" Shifting perception The importance of curiosity Impact of mind-blindness  Not understanding social cues Understanding and dealing with triggers Hope and grace If you would like to reach out to Jennifer or Brett, feel free to contact them through Jennifer's website at: www.jenniferotooleauthor.com or on Instagram @jennifercook_author  _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please subscribe to the podcast so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Mona is also offering support groups for Neurodiverse Couples.  If you and your partner are interested in joining a group, please send an e-mail with the heading "Neurodiverse Couples Group" to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com.  You will receive information about the cost and the dates for the next group. Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

During this episode, Mona and Larry Siegel have an in-depth conversation about ways to better understand and communicate more effectively with your partner about sexual needs and desires. Larry is a Clinical Sexologist and Certified Sexuality Educator and Supervisor, who has been working in this field for over 35 years.  He is also the co-host of the YouTube show called "Sex Talk with the Siegel Brothers".  During this discussion, we had a very open conversation about SO many topics that neurodiverse couples may be experiencing, but haven't been given the tools to address.  This is an episode that you and your partner may want to listen to together, as we get real on the issues below... and many more. Understanding why and when your sexual relationship changed. How sex becomes the casualty when others needs aren't being met. Understanding and explaining how important sex and physical intimacy are when communication styles are different. The importance of defining explicitly what you both need and want.   Using safe and code words when something doesn't feel good or work well. Sensory sensitivities and physical & sexual intimacy.  The importance of understanding your partners sexual history. Masturbation, porn and fantasies. Sex is supposed to be fun!!!! If you want to contact Larry Siegel you can email him at: proflasiegel@gmail.com or follow him on Facebook at: SexTalkWithTheSiegelBrothers/ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please rate the episode and subscribe to the podcast so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Mona is also offering support groups for Neurodiverse Couples.  If you and your partner are interested in joining a group, please send an e-mail with the heading "Neurodiverse Couples Group" to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com.  You will receive information about the cost and the dates for the next group. Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!