Neurodiverse Love with Mona Kay

In this engaging discussion, Dr. Michael McNulty, a certified Gottman Therapist and Master Trainer, shares insights on improving communication in neurodiverse relationships. He dives into the infamous 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse'—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—offering strategies to overcome them. Listeners learn about the importance of taking responsibility, soft start-ups, and recognizing emotional needs. Dr. McNulty emphasizes the value of taking breaks to prevent shutdowns, ensuring couples can foster connection and understanding.

During this episode Matthew shares a little bit about his career in writing and the work he is doing in film and tv.  In addition, he talks about the path he took to get an autism diagnosis in his 40's.  He shares how his literal communication style has been both a strength and a challenge in his relationships and why his doctor once called him an "extrapolation engine".  Matthew is divorced, has 3 children and shares a little about how he managed some of the aspects of family life and the experiences he has had with some of his other romantic relationships.  Matthew also shares how he was diagnosed as hyperactive in elementary school and received many other diagnoses along the way, however autism had not even been a passing thought, until a friend (and her mother) suggested that he might be autistic.  Mathewt began to read more about autism and then went to see several therapists who both told him that that they thought he was autistic.  Matthew shares openly how his autism journey unfolded, as well as the advice he would give to others who may be on their own neurodiverse path. If you would like to contact Matthew, you can reach him on Instagram @the_other_tin_dog (The Disaster Autist) ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards are available for purchase.  If you would like to buy a deck, please check out the "Conversation Cards" page on our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please rate the episode and subscribe to the podcast, so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, you can check out our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com You can also follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

Moshe and Tobi share their journey as a neurodiverse couple navigating marriage and impending parenthood. Tobi's recent autism diagnosis has transformed their communication and understanding of each other's needs. They highlight the challenges of sensory sensitivities during pregnancy and the importance of advocating for autistic individuals in healthcare. The couple discusses how they learn to adapt their daily interactions, balance emotional needs, and embrace individuality in their relationship, leading to personal growth and deeper connections.

This is another fantastic episode for both partners in a Neurodiverse Love relationship to listen to together.  Dr. K. is a Board Certified Gottman Therapist and talks about the importance of knowing that Dr. John Gottman's research has shown that 69% of our challenges in romantic relationships are due to things that won't change.  However, understanding ourselves and our partners better can help us learn which problems are "perpetual" and which are "solvable".  She shares how important it is for both partners to know when they have reached their limits socially, emotionally or in other areas of life.  Dr. K. also provides valuable strategies for managing triggers that may lead to meltdowns or burnout.  She also talks about the strengths of neurodiverse relationships and how both partners will need to adapt and change and have better social and communication skills.  Dr. K. also talks about how factual, clear communication can be helpful for both partners to learn and grow and how important it is for partners to respond positively to attempts to "turn toward" each other when one wants more time together.  You will also learn about how all relationships have "poop in the pipes"  and there are proactive, healthy ways of dealing with that.  Since Dr. Gottman's research has shown that 69% of the things that bother us and cause challenges in our romantic relationships will never go away, how can you and your partner learn to value each other's strengths, accept and understand each other's differences and move beyond the immovable issues to make for a healthier relationship. Dr. K. provides some great tools for helping couples do exactly that! You can reach Dr. K. at: www.couplestherapyinc.com ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards are available for purchase.  If you would like to buy a deck, please check out the "Conversation Cards" page on our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please rate the episode and subscribe to the podcast, so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, you can check out our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com You can also follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

During this fantastic episode, Mona has an opportunity to talk to two amazing researchers who are in the UK doing groundbreaking work to better understand autistic adults intimate lives.  Monique Huysamen and Marianthi Kourti share some of the findings from their phenomenal qualitative research study that is focused on learning what autistic adults want and need in their intimate lives.  This study included an analysis of a multitude of government documents on autism, interviews with 20 autistic individuals and on-line focus groups with 50 autistics individuals.   Learn more about what the autistic adults shared: what they like, what they want to be different and what some of their challenges have been. Many of the adults shared how they didn't know how to do relationships or intimacy because they had no guidance.  Unfortunately, as autistic children become adults they may feel more isolated and begin to lose some of the supports they had through school and government agencies.  Some of the participants talked about both the challenges and joy of sensory differences and understanding both.  Others addressed how they might be more comfortable exploring in different ways in their intimate lives.  In addition, others shared the importance of finding a community where they could feel safe and comfortable.  For some, this might be in the BDSM or Kink community, where the communication patterns were more direct and the boundaries clearly stated.   In the future, Monique and Marianthi will be creating toolkits for the autistic partners and non-autistic/neurotypical partners to help more autistic adults and their partners live their best intimate lives. Note: we apologize for the technical challenges we had during this episode.  We were also disconnected from one of the guests at about 1/3 of the way through the episode, but were able to reconnect with them.    You can contact Monique and Marianthi through the SAAIL website at: https://autlives.wixsite.com/research  or on Twitter @autspace ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards are available for purchase.  If you would like to buy a deck, please check out the "Conversation Cards" page on our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please rate the episode and subscribe to the podcast, so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, you can check out our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com You can also follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

Candice and Chris have a special, deep love for each other and couldn't understand why they kept having SO many communication challenges and misunderstandings in their relationship.  As Candice began to get feedback from Chris and her colleagues, she realized that she needed a way to communicate better.  Based on a look back at some of her past and current challenges she began to suspect she was autistic and moved forward on a formal diagnosis. After her diagnosis, everything changed for her and her husband Chris.  Candice calls Chris her "special interest" as she shares some of the things she not only understands better, but that she and Chris have worked on improving individually and in their marriage, so that they can thrive in all areas of life.   Working from a place of grace, compassion, and curiosity Candice and Chris have learned so many positive strategies for better communication and implemented lots of effective tools and strategies that have helped them create a healthy relationship, that is filled with lots of humor and understanding. Candice is a therapist and Chris is a coach who is working on getting his Ph.D. in psychoneuroimmunology.  Together, this amazing couple are shifting the paradigm for neurodiverse couples by inspiring hope, providing training, coaching and therapy and sharing information through "Fabulously Candice-The Sexiest Podcast About Neurodivergence". Both Candice and Chris have done IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy and understand how their "parts" have impacted their lives and their relationship. They are also Gottman certified and use both of these therapeutic modalities and the tools in each, to create a thriving, healthy relationship for themselves, as well as many of the individuals and couples they work with at "Namaste Center For Healing. We end this episode discussing porn addiction and sexual sensitivities and the ways in which Candice and Chris work with couples to heal from betrayal through porn.  We also address how they can help couples move forward to create a healthy sex life and a trusting relationship.  This is definitely another important episode that can be very helpful for both partners to listen to individually and/or together.  It was such a pleasure getting to talk to this awesome couple and I hope you will check out the services and resources they have available by checking out the websites below.   To contact Candice and Chris go to: www.namasteadvice.com You can also learn more about Candice at: www.candicechristiansen.com __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you like this podcast, please follow us or subscribe so you don't miss an episode.  Please also take a minute to rate the podcast. For more information on Neurodiverse relationships or to purchase a deck on the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards please check out: The Neurodiverse Love website at: www.neurodiverselove.com The Neurodiverse Love Instagram page: @neurodiverse_love If you would like to join one of our free online Neurodiverse Love peer support groups, please send a DM on IG, or send us an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Also, if you would like to share your Neurodiverse Love story, or you work with neurodiverse couples and would like to be a guest on the podcast, please send us a DM or an e-mail. Thanks for being part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

Many of us would love to turn our special interests or passion into paid employment, however that isn't always possible.  During this episode, Mona, Heather and Natalie talk about the challenges they experienced in school and employment and how they have worked to create ways to use their gifts and talents through paid employment, volunteering or hobbies.  They also share some of the challenges and experiences their partners/ex-partners have experienced, as well as their children. They address the things they wish employers and our society could do differently to support everyone's strengths and meet their needs, so that more people could be successful and supported in school and in the workplace. Whether you are unemployed, underemployed, employed at a job you like (but don't love) or have been able to turn your passion or special interest into paid employment, this is a don't miss episode.  Knowing your needs and being able to ask for them in your personal and professional relationships can be the key to success.  However, how do you begin to understand your needs and be able to effectively communicate them to others in a way that you will be heard and understood, rather then ignored, judged or misunderstood? During this episode we talk about all these issues! Your well-being is SO important!  Learn how to become the CEO of your own "Department of Well-Being" and take small steps to do the things you love and are most passionate about.  Share this information with your partner, friends, family and mentors and hopefully one day, more people in the world will be doing what they love, sharing their gifts and talents with the world and living lives that are filled with the things that bring them peace and joy. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you like this podcast, please follow us or subscribe so you don't miss an episode.  Please also take a minute to rate the podcast. For more information on Neurodiverse relationships, please check out: The Neurodiverse Love website at: www.neurodiverselove.com The Neurodiverse Love Instagram page: @neurodiverse_love The Loving Difference on-line community at: https://www.lovingdifference.net If you would like to join one of our free online Neurodiverse Love peer support groups, please send a DM on IG, or send us an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Also, if you would like to share your Neurodiverse Love story, or you work with neurodiverse couples and would like to be a guest on the podcast, please send us a DM or an e-mail. Thanks for being part of the Neurodiverse Love community! .    

This is another fantastic episode that neurodiverse couples may want to listen to together!   Stephanie and Dan Holmes have known each other since they were 10 and have been married almost 30 years. After their daughter was diagnosed with Asperger's in the mid-2000’s, Stephanie read about adults on the spectrum and realized that her husband was autistic too (he already suspected he was). Prior to learning about their neurodiversity, Stephanie thought a lot of their miscommunication and struggles occurred because Dan is very intelligent. However, once they learned he was autistic, so many challenging things started to make more sense.  Through the years, Stephanie and Dan have learned that they don't have to stay in gender roles to have a healthy relationship and instead have focused on using their individual strengths and complimentary skills to help their family thrive.  Dan says he is more like a crockpot and Stephanie is more like a microwave and because they understand each other's differences, they are able to give each other grace and kindness as they navigate life together.  During our conversation, Stephanie described a neurodiverse relationship like a game of "Chutes and Ladders", rather then chess or checkers and that made so much sense!  Although there may be lots of unexpected ups and downs, when you both understand they will occur, the end result can be very positive.  Stephanie is a therapist and Dan is a life coach and together they work with neurodiverse couples that can benefit from both of their perspectives.  To add credibility to his work with neurodiverse couples, Dan got an official diagnosis and sees that as tool to help other autistic partners who want to improve their love relationships. Stephanie talked about the importance of trust in a neurodiverse relationship and how trust can be broken when partners don't understand each other.  In her work as a therapist she has learned that the process of rebuilding trust has to involve learning new skills to avoid creating more trauma.  Repetitive positive behavior is critical, otherwise the past is not the past, it is still the present!  Dan talks about how important it is to see the the action behind the desire. He no longer believes people when they use the words “I want to” unless he see’s the action follow the words.   Dan and Stephanie founded the International Association of NeuroDiverse Christian Marriages, LLC to bring hope, help and possible healing to neurodiverse Christian marriages and they use the a three phase process to help 1) Educate, 2) Equip and 3) Provide Effective Strategies to neurodiverse couples who are looking for support and resources on their neurodiverse journey. To learn more about Stephanie and Dan you can check out their website at: christianneurodiversemarriage.com or listen to their podcast: Neurodiverse Christian Couples.   ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  The Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards are available for purchase. If you would like to buy a deck, please check out the "Conversation Cards" page on our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com.  Also, if you liked this episode, please rate it and subscribe to the podcast, so that you don’t miss any future episodes.  If you would like to learn more about the resources we have available for neurodiverse couples, please check out our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com  Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

If you haven't read "The Autism Relationship Handbook and The Autism Relationship Workbook by Joe Biel and Dr. Faith Harper" you will definitely want to order copies of both after this episode.  Joe is the founder of Microcosm Publishing in Oregon and Faith is a therapist is Texas.  Working together for a number of years, they have partnered on several books and even have the same birthday.  Joe shares his lived experience and expertise as a coach, mentor and business owner in a healthy Neurodiverse Love relationship and Faith shares her lived experience as a parent of a neurodiverse child and her expertise as a therapist and sexologist.   During this episode, we talk about the importance of presuming "best intent" in your neurodiverse relationship and how critical it is to name and get granular about your boundaries and needs.  We also talk about the 4 levels of communication and how each couple is usually getting stuck in one (or more) levels. Getting clarity about this and shifting perspective can reduce the "communication roundabout" some couples find themselves in.  We also talk about physical intimacy, dealing with sensory differences and how to move from masking, struggling and being misunderstood to striving and thriving with a partner who truly appreciates and values you. Whether you are the autistic or allistic (non-autistic) partner in the relationship, this is a "don't miss episode.  Joe and Faith provide SO many nuggets of gold that you may want to listen to this episode twice! WARNING: This episode is labeled "explicit" because at the end of the episode we talk about sexual intimacy and some books that have titles that may be considered explicit to some.  If you would like to contact Joe Biel you can follow him on Instagram @joebiel or check out his website at joebiel.net or Microcosm Publishing at: www.microcosmpublishing.com If you would like to contact Faith Harper you can follow her on Twitter and Instagram @theintimacydr or check out her website at: www.faithgharper.com  _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards are available for purchase.  If you would like to buy a deck, please check out the "Conversation Cards" page on our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please rate the episode and subscribe to the podcast so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships you can check out our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com You can also follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send us an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

During this episode Mona and Manecia talk about a topic that may be difficult for both the autistic and non-autistic partners to hear, but is important to address, because it is something that has happened in both of their relationships (and may be happening in yours). No one wants to feel like they have to parent their partner, however acknowledging that this may be happening and talking about ways in which the non-autistic/neurotypical partner can ask before stepping in to help (or parent) can be SO helpful. Some people might call this type of "support" co-dependency or enmeshment, however in a neurodiverse relationship, when support is valued and provided because of challenges with executive function, social and emotional differences or sensory sensitivities, it can also create a partnership that helps both partners thrive. Mona shares that when her and her ex were talking outside the courthouse as they were planning to file for divorce, her ex said to her that she had two children, even though they only had one child.  Mona's response was that she hadn't wanted to be her ex-husband's parent, she had wanted to be his partner!  This conversation was both sad and enlightening at the same time. Mona and Manecia talk openly about how important it is to let go of assumptions and the need to "help" when we haven't been asked and how sometimes our embarrassment, does not mean we need to solve a problem that is not ours to solve. How can we stop parenting our partners, when we think they are awkward, anxious or angry and instead offer to help without "needing" to help?  Mona and Manecia share the lessons they have learned on their neurodiverse journey's and hope this episode brings some "aha" moments for the listeners. The Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards are available for purchase.  If you would like to buy a deck, please check out the "Conversation Cards" page on our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please rate the episode and subscribe to the podcast so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships you can check out our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com You can also follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send us an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!