Neurodiverse Love with Mona Kay

Dr. Theresa Regan is a neuropsychologist who has extensive experience working with autistic individuals and neurodiverse couples and she has been trained to work with adolescents, adults and aging adults.  During this episode she shares both her personal and professional experiences to help us better understand how to navigate the different seasons of a "Neurodiverse Love" relationship. The topics we address include: How does the dating relationship change when couples move in together, get married or have children? How relationship roles and structure can change through dating and beyond How scripts from tv and film help shape the dating process. How does masking affect relationship changes? When a romantic partner becomes a special interest and then another special interest becomes more important. What is a "just right" state and why can it be such a challenge? The importance of diagnosis for "self" and "other" awareness. Understanding roles and what it means to be "wired differently". Grieving for the relationship that was and accepting what is. Emotional and sensory overwhelm and understanding and supporting each other's needs. Being a "detective", rather then a "police officer". The importance of regular huddles. Self awareness and body changes as we age in our neurodiverse relationships. You can contact Dr. Regan at: adultandgeriatricautism@gmail.com or follow her on Instagram at: regan_autism For information on scheduling an ASD diagnosis appointment, call OSF Healthcare: 309-655-7378.  Listen to Dr. Regan's podcast: Autism in the Adult  or checkout her website at: www.adultandgeriatricautism.com You may also want to purchase her books: Understanding Autism in Adults and Aging Adults, 2nd Edition or Understanding Autistic Behaviors _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please subscribe to the podcast so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Mona is also offering support groups for Neurodiverse Couples.  If you and your partner are interested in joining a group, please send an e-mail with the heading "Neurodiverse Couples Group" to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com.  You will receive information about the cost and the dates for the next group. Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

On this episode of the podcast, Mona is joined by one of her best friends, Michelle.  They both share some of the experiences they have had with men they met on various dating apps who may have been neurodivergent.  A recent article in Psychology Today titled "The Rise of Lonely, Single Men. Men Need to Address Their Deficits to Meet Healthier Relationship Expectations", by Greg Matos, PsyD, addressed how women are expecting more emotional intelligence from men.   During this episode, Mona and Michelle discuss how some of the issues addressed in the article may be related to "undiagnosed adult autism".  Meeting lots of men in their 40's, 50's and 60's, who have never been married, or are recently divorced and have been in 1 or more marriages with a lot of social and emotional challenges, made us wonder if dating apps make it easier for men "on the spectrum" to date.  However, does this also create more challenges for non-autistic/neurotypical women?  More specifically, when you both have lots of social and emotional differences, how can you go from misunderstanding and judgment--to curiosity, awareness and acceptance? The conversation takes us down many paths including: Learning how to "not take things personally" Communication differences including: slow responses, long well-written texts and temporary ghosting Black and white thinking  Passion about special interests Rules and requirements in sexual and physical intimacy Sensory sensitivities Mind-blindness Social quotas Broken promises Not engaging in personal or emotional discussions Why are so many men seeking "no drama"? Compassion needed by both people _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please subscribe to the podcast so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Mona is also offering support groups for Neurodiverse Couples.  If you and your partner are interested in joining a group, please send an e-mail with the heading "Neurodiverse Couples Group" to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com.  You will receive information about the cost and the dates for the next group. Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

During this episode you will hear a little about the beautiful love story between Jennifer Cook and Brett Banks.  Jennifer Cook was identified as being on the spectrum in 2011.  She is the author of 9 bestselling books, the on-camera autistic expert in Netflix's Emmy-nominated series, "Love on the Spectrum-US" and has given presentations at the White House, the National Institute of Health and to royal audiences in Europe.  Brett Banks is a Nuclear Licensing Engineer who learned that he was on the spectrum a few years ago, although his ex-wife and daughter had shared this with him many years ago.  Brett now knows that "fairy tales" do come true and is living the life he only saw in movies:-).  Together, they have 7 kids, a lot of love and understanding and sometimes feel like the same person in two bodies.  In their marriage, they both feel safe to be their authentic selves with each other and they are thriving in their "Neurodiverse Love" relationship. During this episode we talk about: How Jennifer and Brett met Their autism identification journey The "family of origin" connections  Feeling things "SO DEEPLY" Shifting perception The importance of curiosity Impact of mind-blindness  Not understanding social cues Understanding and dealing with triggers Hope and grace If you would like to reach out to Jennifer or Brett, feel free to contact them through Jennifer's website at: www.jenniferotooleauthor.com or on Instagram @jennifercook_author  _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please subscribe to the podcast so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Mona is also offering support groups for Neurodiverse Couples.  If you and your partner are interested in joining a group, please send an e-mail with the heading "Neurodiverse Couples Group" to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com.  You will receive information about the cost and the dates for the next group. Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

During this episode, Mona and Larry Siegel have an in-depth conversation about ways to better understand and communicate more effectively with your partner about sexual needs and desires. Larry is a Clinical Sexologist and Certified Sexuality Educator and Supervisor, who has been working in this field for over 35 years.  He is also the co-host of the YouTube show called "Sex Talk with the Siegel Brothers".  During this discussion, we had a very open conversation about SO many topics that neurodiverse couples may be experiencing, but haven't been given the tools to address.  This is an episode that you and your partner may want to listen to together, as we get real on the issues below... and many more. Understanding why and when your sexual relationship changed. How sex becomes the casualty when others needs aren't being met. Understanding and explaining how important sex and physical intimacy are when communication styles are different. The importance of defining explicitly what you both need and want.   Using safe and code words when something doesn't feel good or work well. Sensory sensitivities and physical & sexual intimacy.  The importance of understanding your partners sexual history. Masturbation, porn and fantasies. Sex is supposed to be fun!!!! If you want to contact Larry Siegel you can email him at: proflasiegel@gmail.com or follow him on Facebook at: SexTalkWithTheSiegelBrothers/ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please rate the episode and subscribe to the podcast so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Mona is also offering support groups for Neurodiverse Couples.  If you and your partner are interested in joining a group, please send an e-mail with the heading "Neurodiverse Couples Group" to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com.  You will receive information about the cost and the dates for the next group. Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

During this episode, Mona talks with Charles, who is a social worker who works in the field of alcohol and substance use.  Charles is 27 years old and recently discovered that he is autistic. He shared that he calls himself an "intuitive autistic" and talks about how those gifts and talents help him better understand the clients with whom he works. Charles also talks about how his life might have been different had he known he was autistic. Charles shares how he is looking at various life events and social situations through a neurodiverse lens, to help gain more understanding of why people have responded to him the way they did.  Charles also talks about some of the challenges he has experienced with reading social cues and the nuances of social communication, and how important it is to be able to gauge and understand peoples responses and reactions when he communicates with others. If you are interested in talking with Charles please feel free to send Mona an email, at neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com, and she will forward your message to Charles. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please rate the episode and subscribe to the podcast, so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, you can check out our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com You can also follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

Mona joined Natalie Roberts and Heather Parks from the Loving Difference Online Community on their "Myth-busting" podcast to bust some myths we may have all experienced in our neurodiverse relationships.  During this episode we discuss debunking the following myths: 1) We don't just have to "survive", we can "thrive" in our current relationship, (or choose to move on and create a life in which we can thrive with another partner...or by ourselves). 2) We don't all communicate in the same way, or at the same speed. 3) We don't need to have a happy relationship to be happy. 4) A change in (or lack of) sexual and physical intimacy may not mean your partner is not attracted to you. 5) Relationships should be easy. If you would like to connect with Natalie and Heather, you can check out their on-line community and podcast at: www.lovingdifference.net _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please rate the episode and subscribe to the podcast, so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, you can check out our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com You can also follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

Cheryl Rhodes has been an LMFT for almost 40 years and has spent many years working with families with autistic children and neurodiverse couples. During this episode, she talks openly about her neurodiverse family (her daughter is autistic) and how critical it is for us to understand the history of the term “Neurodiversity” and to focus on both the strengths and differences in everyone...and she talks in-depth about both. During her career, Cheryl has worked with many couples in “high conflict” relationships and she shared that she was in a high conflict marriage that ended.  She also understands the stress that these relationships can cause on partners and the family, and how important it is to use the best strategies and tools to reduce conflict. Cheryl addresses the social communication challenges that might occur in a neurodiverse relationship and how important it is for both partners to regulate emotion and anxiety.  In addition, Cheryl talks about the ways she helps partners learn how to speak the same language.  "Social Pragmatics", which includes non-verbal communication and cues, can create many communication challenges for couples.  Both the receiver and the sender need to understand each other and determine the most comfortable way for them to receive and deliver communication.  Both partners need to learn how to state explicitly what they want or need, however, sometimes one partner just doesn't know how to give the other partner what they want (or need) and Cheryl works to bridge that communication gap. When we can’t "Perceive, Receive or Process" information take a time out. Come up with a code word and make an agreement to stop when one partner uses the code word.  Processing speed can be very different for both partners. Slow down the speed of your communication and limit the number of concepts or sentences you are each using. Cheryl also addresses how some intimacy issues are actually sensory issues that may not have been addressed through a sensory lens.  Being able to shift your perspective and understand that the other person may see (and feel) something different, or have a different view is critically important. Understanding each other’s thoughts, feelings and intentions and being able to read each other’s cues can be a game changer! Cheryl discusses the importance of respecting the other persons perspective without judgement and how this can lead to a softening, or a shift, in your partner's response.  We also discuss the importance of recognizing the traits that are based on neurology, and which are part of your personality, or other health or mental health issues. Cheryl briefly talks about gaslighting. addictions, and abuse and how dysregulation and anxiety may be an underlying factor for some of these issues. If you want to reach Cheryl and learn more about her practice "My Rhodes Map", her phone number is: 470-956-0500 or you can email her at: Cheryl.rhodes22@gmail.com You can also get more information about the support groups Cheryl offers at Spectrum Partner Support Groups.   If anyone listening to this podcast is experiencing abuse, please contact the local domestic violence agency, or call the national hotline at: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) _____________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please rate the episode and subscribe to the podcast, so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, you can check out our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com  You can also follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love  If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

Dr. Jill Corvelli has created "The Corvelli ND Compass", and she talks about how this model guides her work with neurodiverse couples, as well as how she is using the “Compass” to help neurodiverse couples better understand how they both navigate through time and space.  The model focuses on three core components and each is critical to moving from misunderstanding and challenges, to understanding and acceptance.  During this episode, Jill shares how her Compass helps couples increase "education" about each other, so they can come up with a playbook that helps them bridge different styles. How "Niche Construction",  helps both partners better understand the rituals, behaviors and practices that are important in their relationship. Increase understanding of "Developmental Change" and how couples move from "bonding", during the initial phase of their "love relationship” to "differentiation", where they are often activating each other, as they work on making space for their differences. Jill also talks about how challenging it can be when "reactivity" becomes an ongoing issue and then partners are chronically going into "flight, fright or flee" mode.  She provides ways in which to address this and talks about how triggering this can be to both partners. We also talk about the challenge of "pseudo-motivation", when one partner is not fully committed to working on themselves, or the relationship, and how Jill can help address and possibly change this.  Jill also talks about how important it is for her take a leadership role when she begins working with a neurodiverse couple and how she works to ensure that the couple is skilled at using the most valuable techniques and tools because they have educated themselves, engaged in niche construction and understand the developmental changes that have occurred in their relationship.  She also talks about the importance of both partners doing work between sessions, so that small and consistent changes can occur. We also review some of the assessment tools and processes Jill uses to better understand each couple she works with; the importance of understanding each other's values; and getting a better understanding of how each partner contributes to making it difficult for their partner to give them what they want.   We end this outstanding episode with a brief discussion about sexual intimacy and with Jill sharing how important it is for neurodiverse couples, and the therapists and coaches working with them, to have hope that neurodiverse couples can thrive and learn how to have a healthy relationship that can meet the needs of both partners. To contact Jill you can check out her website at: www.jillcorvelli.com.  On her website you can also find more information about her self-study courses, her 12 hour intensives and the groups she offers on 6 different topics. You can also purchase her self-study courses at: www.neuroific.com.   __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please rate the episode and subscribe to the podcast, so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, you can check out our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com  You can also follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com  Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!  

Jen Malia is an author, professor, autism advocate, wife and mom who received her autism diagnosis on the same day as her daughter.   She writes about this experience in her New York Times article.  Jen shares openly how challenging it was for her to get diagnosed and unfortunately, so many other autistic women will probably relate to her story.  Jen had done lots of research, seen various professionals who dismissed her requests for an assessment, however her persistence paid off when she met with a caring, knowledgeable clinical psychologist who properly assessed and diagnosed her.   Jen shares openly and honestly about how her husband responded to her and her children's diagnoses and how they have worked together to create balance and happiness as a neurodiverse family.  Her and her husband give each other a lot more space and grace, and have learned how to focus on their own strengths and self-care needs.  In addition, they have created access to resources and opportunities for each of their autistic children.    Jen also shares how she suffers from migraines and prior to her diagnosis she ended up hospitalized with a potentially life threatening medical issue.  After her diagnosis she realized that "autistic burnout" may have been a contributing factor to the hospitalization, which required a month of recovery. If you would like to follow Jen her handle on Twitter and Instagram is Jenmaliabooks.  You can also connect with her on LinkedIn or check out her website at: www.jenmalia.com.  Her children's book  "Too Sticky: Sensory Issues with Autism" is available wherever books are sold:-) Note from Mona: No one should have to go through life fighting to be heard, understood and accepted, however this challenge is one that so many undiagnosed autistic adults (and especially women and non-binary people) experience. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards are available for purchase.  If you would like to buy a deck, please check out the "Conversation Cards" page on our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please rate the episode and subscribe to the podcast, so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, you can check out our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com You can also follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

During this episode,  Mona talks with Life Coach-Robin Tate.  Robin shares how important it is for her to continuously compliment the successes and strengths of the neurodiverse couples she works with and to remind both partners how their brains are "equal and different". She also discusses communication differences and the importance of addressing "perspective taking" during arguments and for both partners to remember their "on the same team".  Robin also shares how literal language and weak central coherence can sometimes cause unintentional misunderstandings and flooding that can lead to shutdowns or meltdowns (flight or fright response). We also address how physical, emotional and verbal abuse can become a reality in some relationships because of continued flooding, misunderstanding and unresolved conflict.  We also discuss how codependency and addictions can look in neurodiverse relationships and how each can impact both partners.   We address some very emotional, but important issues throughout this episode.  I hope this discussion can give couples an opportunity to address the importance of understanding themselves individually and in relationship to their partner, so they can both work to reduce misunderstanding and conflict and increase understanding and appreciation of each other's differences. Some of the issues we discuss in this episode may be triggers for some of our listeners, so we want to make sure that those of you who do not feel safe in your relationship know that you can contact the national domestic violence hotline at: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).  In addition, if you need help getting treatment for an addiction please call SAMHSA's National Helpline at: 1-800-662- HELP (4357).  In addition, there are several white papers on neurodiverse relationships that may be of interest to some of our listeners. They can be found at: https://mixedneurological.com/white-papers/ If you are interested in learning more about the research Dr. Pnina Arad has done regarding the physical and mental well being of women in neurodiverse relationships you can download her recent article at: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/359343205_Physical_and_Mental_Well-Being_of_Women_in_Neurodiverse_Relationships_A_Comparative_Study If you want to contact Robin you can e-mail her at: RobinTateLLC@gmail.com, connect with her on LinkedIn, or check out her website at: www.robintatellc.com __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards are available for purchase.  If you would like to buy a deck, please check out the "Conversation Cards" page on our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please rate the episode and subscribe to the podcast, so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, you can check out our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com You can also follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!