Neurodiverse Love with Mona Kay

Jen Malia is an author, professor, autism advocate, wife and mom who received her autism diagnosis on the same day as her daughter.   She writes about this experience in her New York Times article.  Jen shares openly how challenging it was for her to get diagnosed and unfortunately, so many other autistic women will probably relate to her story.  Jen had done lots of research, seen various professionals who dismissed her requests for an assessment, however her persistence paid off when she met with a caring, knowledgeable clinical psychologist who properly assessed and diagnosed her.   Jen shares openly and honestly about how her husband responded to her and her children's diagnoses and how they have worked together to create balance and happiness as a neurodiverse family.  Her and her husband give each other a lot more space and grace, and have learned how to focus on their own strengths and self-care needs.  In addition, they have created access to resources and opportunities for each of their autistic children.    Jen also shares how she suffers from migraines and prior to her diagnosis she ended up hospitalized with a potentially life threatening medical issue.  After her diagnosis she realized that "autistic burnout" may have been a contributing factor to the hospitalization, which required a month of recovery. If you would like to follow Jen her handle on Twitter and Instagram is Jenmaliabooks.  You can also connect with her on LinkedIn or check out her website at: www.jenmalia.com.  Her children's book  "Too Sticky: Sensory Issues with Autism" is available wherever books are sold:-) Note from Mona: No one should have to go through life fighting to be heard, understood and accepted, however this challenge is one that so many undiagnosed autistic adults (and especially women and non-binary people) experience. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards are available for purchase.  If you would like to buy a deck, please check out the "Conversation Cards" page on our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please rate the episode and subscribe to the podcast, so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, you can check out our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com You can also follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

During this episode,  Mona talks with Life Coach-Robin Tate.  Robin shares how important it is for her to continuously compliment the successes and strengths of the neurodiverse couples she works with and to remind both partners how their brains are "equal and different". She also discusses communication differences and the importance of addressing "perspective taking" during arguments and for both partners to remember their "on the same team".  Robin also shares how literal language and weak central coherence can sometimes cause unintentional misunderstandings and flooding that can lead to shutdowns or meltdowns (flight or fright response). We also address how physical, emotional and verbal abuse can become a reality in some relationships because of continued flooding, misunderstanding and unresolved conflict.  We also discuss how codependency and addictions can look in neurodiverse relationships and how each can impact both partners.   We address some very emotional, but important issues throughout this episode.  I hope this discussion can give couples an opportunity to address the importance of understanding themselves individually and in relationship to their partner, so they can both work to reduce misunderstanding and conflict and increase understanding and appreciation of each other's differences. Some of the issues we discuss in this episode may be triggers for some of our listeners, so we want to make sure that those of you who do not feel safe in your relationship know that you can contact the national domestic violence hotline at: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).  In addition, if you need help getting treatment for an addiction please call SAMHSA's National Helpline at: 1-800-662- HELP (4357).  In addition, there are several white papers on neurodiverse relationships that may be of interest to some of our listeners. They can be found at: https://mixedneurological.com/white-papers/ If you are interested in learning more about the research Dr. Pnina Arad has done regarding the physical and mental well being of women in neurodiverse relationships you can download her recent article at: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/359343205_Physical_and_Mental_Well-Being_of_Women_in_Neurodiverse_Relationships_A_Comparative_Study If you want to contact Robin you can e-mail her at: RobinTateLLC@gmail.com, connect with her on LinkedIn, or check out her website at: www.robintatellc.com __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards are available for purchase.  If you would like to buy a deck, please check out the "Conversation Cards" page on our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please rate the episode and subscribe to the podcast, so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, you can check out our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com You can also follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

This is another fantastic episode for both partners in a Neurodiverse Love relationship to listen to.  After 40 years of research, John and Julie Gottman have helped thousands of couples better understand each other and implement tools and strategies that can help them move from surviving to thriving.  During this episode, we talk with Dr. Michael McNulty, a certified Gottman Therapist and Master Trainer of the Gottman Method, to understand how some of these research-based strategies and tools can help you and your partner better understand each other and thrive! Many of you may have heard of "The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling" and how each can have a negative impact on any relationship.  During this episode, Dr. McNulty, guides us through the "anecdotes" for each of the "Horseman".  In addition, you will learn more about ways to create "soft start-ups" instead of criticizing your partner.  How important it is to "take responsibility" for the things that you have said or done, rather then reacting and being defensive.  We also discuss the value of talking about yourself, your needs and feelings, rather then speaking badly about your partner and treating them with contempt.  In addition, you will learn how important it is to "take breaks" when one of you is feeling overwhelmed and flooded.  This can help prevent "stonewalling" and what others may call "shutdowns" or "burnout".  We also talk about important ways to forecast or plan "re-entry back into the home" after a day of work.  Using this Gottman strategy can help reduce or prevent meltdowns and shutdowns.  In addition, we talk about the importance of a weekly "State of the Union" meeting with your partner, to discuss what has gone well, what needs improvement and ways in which to address things differently.  This tool can help couples better understand each others needs and differences. Dr. McNulty also briefly introduces the concepts the Gottman's developed called  the "Sound Relationship House" and "Love Maps" and why they are important for every couple to understand.   You can reach Dr. McNulty by email at: mikemcnultyphd@gmail.com or through his website at: www.chicagorelationshipcenter.com ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards are available for purchase.  If you would like to buy a deck, please check out the "Conversation Cards" page on our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please rate the episode and subscribe to the podcast, so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, you can check out our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com You can also follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

During this episode Matthew shares a little bit about his career in writing and the work he is doing in film and tv.  In addition, he talks about the path he took to get an autism diagnosis in his 40's.  He shares how his literal communication style has been both a strength and a challenge in his relationships and why his doctor once called him an "extrapolation engine".  Matthew is divorced, has 3 children and shares a little about how he managed some of the aspects of family life and the experiences he has had with some of his other romantic relationships.  Matthew also shares how he was diagnosed as hyperactive in elementary school and received many other diagnoses along the way, however autism had not even been a passing thought, until a friend (and her mother) suggested that he might be autistic.  Mathewt began to read more about autism and then went to see several therapists who both told him that that they thought he was autistic.  Matthew shares openly how his autism journey unfolded, as well as the advice he would give to others who may be on their own neurodiverse path. If you would like to contact Matthew, you can reach him on Instagram @the_other_tin_dog (The Disaster Autist) ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards are available for purchase.  If you would like to buy a deck, please check out the "Conversation Cards" page on our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please rate the episode and subscribe to the podcast, so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, you can check out our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com You can also follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

Moshe and Tobi share their journey as a neurodiverse couple navigating marriage and impending parenthood. Tobi's recent autism diagnosis has transformed their communication and understanding of each other's needs. They highlight the challenges of sensory sensitivities during pregnancy and the importance of advocating for autistic individuals in healthcare. The couple discusses how they learn to adapt their daily interactions, balance emotional needs, and embrace individuality in their relationship, leading to personal growth and deeper connections.

This is another fantastic episode for both partners in a Neurodiverse Love relationship to listen to together.  Dr. K. is a Board Certified Gottman Therapist and talks about the importance of knowing that Dr. John Gottman's research has shown that 69% of our challenges in romantic relationships are due to things that won't change.  However, understanding ourselves and our partners better can help us learn which problems are "perpetual" and which are "solvable".  She shares how important it is for both partners to know when they have reached their limits socially, emotionally or in other areas of life.  Dr. K. also provides valuable strategies for managing triggers that may lead to meltdowns or burnout.  She also talks about the strengths of neurodiverse relationships and how both partners will need to adapt and change and have better social and communication skills.  Dr. K. also talks about how factual, clear communication can be helpful for both partners to learn and grow and how important it is for partners to respond positively to attempts to "turn toward" each other when one wants more time together.  You will also learn about how all relationships have "poop in the pipes"  and there are proactive, healthy ways of dealing with that.  Since Dr. Gottman's research has shown that 69% of the things that bother us and cause challenges in our romantic relationships will never go away, how can you and your partner learn to value each other's strengths, accept and understand each other's differences and move beyond the immovable issues to make for a healthier relationship. Dr. K. provides some great tools for helping couples do exactly that! You can reach Dr. K. at: www.couplestherapyinc.com ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards are available for purchase.  If you would like to buy a deck, please check out the "Conversation Cards" page on our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please rate the episode and subscribe to the podcast, so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, you can check out our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com You can also follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

During this fantastic episode, Mona has an opportunity to talk to two amazing researchers who are in the UK doing groundbreaking work to better understand autistic adults intimate lives.  Monique Huysamen and Marianthi Kourti share some of the findings from their phenomenal qualitative research study that is focused on learning what autistic adults want and need in their intimate lives.  This study included an analysis of a multitude of government documents on autism, interviews with 20 autistic individuals and on-line focus groups with 50 autistics individuals.   Learn more about what the autistic adults shared: what they like, what they want to be different and what some of their challenges have been. Many of the adults shared how they didn't know how to do relationships or intimacy because they had no guidance.  Unfortunately, as autistic children become adults they may feel more isolated and begin to lose some of the supports they had through school and government agencies.  Some of the participants talked about both the challenges and joy of sensory differences and understanding both.  Others addressed how they might be more comfortable exploring in different ways in their intimate lives.  In addition, others shared the importance of finding a community where they could feel safe and comfortable.  For some, this might be in the BDSM or Kink community, where the communication patterns were more direct and the boundaries clearly stated.   In the future, Monique and Marianthi will be creating toolkits for the autistic partners and non-autistic/neurotypical partners to help more autistic adults and their partners live their best intimate lives. Note: we apologize for the technical challenges we had during this episode.  We were also disconnected from one of the guests at about 1/3 of the way through the episode, but were able to reconnect with them.    You can contact Monique and Marianthi through the SAAIL website at: https://autlives.wixsite.com/research  or on Twitter @autspace ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ The Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards are available for purchase.  If you would like to buy a deck, please check out the "Conversation Cards" page on our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please rate the episode and subscribe to the podcast, so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, you can check out our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com You can also follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

Candice and Chris have a special, deep love for each other and couldn't understand why they kept having SO many communication challenges and misunderstandings in their relationship.  As Candice began to get feedback from Chris and her colleagues, she realized that she needed a way to communicate better.  Based on a look back at some of her past and current challenges she began to suspect she was autistic and moved forward on a formal diagnosis. After her diagnosis, everything changed for her and her husband Chris.  Candice calls Chris her "special interest" as she shares some of the things she not only understands better, but that she and Chris have worked on improving individually and in their marriage, so that they can thrive in all areas of life.   Working from a place of grace, compassion, and curiosity Candice and Chris have learned so many positive strategies for better communication and implemented lots of effective tools and strategies that have helped them create a healthy relationship, that is filled with lots of humor and understanding. Candice is a therapist and Chris is a coach who is working on getting his Ph.D. in psychoneuroimmunology.  Together, this amazing couple are shifting the paradigm for neurodiverse couples by inspiring hope, providing training, coaching and therapy and sharing information through "Fabulously Candice-The Sexiest Podcast About Neurodivergence". Both Candice and Chris have done IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy and understand how their "parts" have impacted their lives and their relationship. They are also Gottman certified and use both of these therapeutic modalities and the tools in each, to create a thriving, healthy relationship for themselves, as well as many of the individuals and couples they work with at "Namaste Center For Healing. We end this episode discussing porn addiction and sexual sensitivities and the ways in which Candice and Chris work with couples to heal from betrayal through porn.  We also address how they can help couples move forward to create a healthy sex life and a trusting relationship.  This is definitely another important episode that can be very helpful for both partners to listen to individually and/or together.  It was such a pleasure getting to talk to this awesome couple and I hope you will check out the services and resources they have available by checking out the websites below.   To contact Candice and Chris go to: www.namasteadvice.com You can also learn more about Candice at: www.candicechristiansen.com __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you like this podcast, please follow us or subscribe so you don't miss an episode.  Please also take a minute to rate the podcast. For more information on Neurodiverse relationships or to purchase a deck on the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards please check out: The Neurodiverse Love website at: www.neurodiverselove.com The Neurodiverse Love Instagram page: @neurodiverse_love If you would like to join one of our free online Neurodiverse Love peer support groups, please send a DM on IG, or send us an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Also, if you would like to share your Neurodiverse Love story, or you work with neurodiverse couples and would like to be a guest on the podcast, please send us a DM or an e-mail. Thanks for being part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

Many of us would love to turn our special interests or passion into paid employment, however that isn't always possible.  During this episode, Mona, Heather and Natalie talk about the challenges they experienced in school and employment and how they have worked to create ways to use their gifts and talents through paid employment, volunteering or hobbies.  They also share some of the challenges and experiences their partners/ex-partners have experienced, as well as their children. They address the things they wish employers and our society could do differently to support everyone's strengths and meet their needs, so that more people could be successful and supported in school and in the workplace. Whether you are unemployed, underemployed, employed at a job you like (but don't love) or have been able to turn your passion or special interest into paid employment, this is a don't miss episode.  Knowing your needs and being able to ask for them in your personal and professional relationships can be the key to success.  However, how do you begin to understand your needs and be able to effectively communicate them to others in a way that you will be heard and understood, rather then ignored, judged or misunderstood? During this episode we talk about all these issues! Your well-being is SO important!  Learn how to become the CEO of your own "Department of Well-Being" and take small steps to do the things you love and are most passionate about.  Share this information with your partner, friends, family and mentors and hopefully one day, more people in the world will be doing what they love, sharing their gifts and talents with the world and living lives that are filled with the things that bring them peace and joy. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you like this podcast, please follow us or subscribe so you don't miss an episode.  Please also take a minute to rate the podcast. For more information on Neurodiverse relationships, please check out: The Neurodiverse Love website at: www.neurodiverselove.com The Neurodiverse Love Instagram page: @neurodiverse_love The Loving Difference on-line community at: https://www.lovingdifference.net If you would like to join one of our free online Neurodiverse Love peer support groups, please send a DM on IG, or send us an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Also, if you would like to share your Neurodiverse Love story, or you work with neurodiverse couples and would like to be a guest on the podcast, please send us a DM or an e-mail. Thanks for being part of the Neurodiverse Love community! .    

This is another fantastic episode that neurodiverse couples may want to listen to together!   Stephanie and Dan Holmes have known each other since they were 10 and have been married almost 30 years. After their daughter was diagnosed with Asperger's in the mid-2000’s, Stephanie read about adults on the spectrum and realized that her husband was autistic too (he already suspected he was). Prior to learning about their neurodiversity, Stephanie thought a lot of their miscommunication and struggles occurred because Dan is very intelligent. However, once they learned he was autistic, so many challenging things started to make more sense.  Through the years, Stephanie and Dan have learned that they don't have to stay in gender roles to have a healthy relationship and instead have focused on using their individual strengths and complimentary skills to help their family thrive.  Dan says he is more like a crockpot and Stephanie is more like a microwave and because they understand each other's differences, they are able to give each other grace and kindness as they navigate life together.  During our conversation, Stephanie described a neurodiverse relationship like a game of "Chutes and Ladders", rather then chess or checkers and that made so much sense!  Although there may be lots of unexpected ups and downs, when you both understand they will occur, the end result can be very positive.  Stephanie is a therapist and Dan is a life coach and together they work with neurodiverse couples that can benefit from both of their perspectives.  To add credibility to his work with neurodiverse couples, Dan got an official diagnosis and sees that as tool to help other autistic partners who want to improve their love relationships. Stephanie talked about the importance of trust in a neurodiverse relationship and how trust can be broken when partners don't understand each other.  In her work as a therapist she has learned that the process of rebuilding trust has to involve learning new skills to avoid creating more trauma.  Repetitive positive behavior is critical, otherwise the past is not the past, it is still the present!  Dan talks about how important it is to see the the action behind the desire. He no longer believes people when they use the words “I want to” unless he see’s the action follow the words.   Dan and Stephanie founded the International Association of NeuroDiverse Christian Marriages, LLC to bring hope, help and possible healing to neurodiverse Christian marriages and they use the a three phase process to help 1) Educate, 2) Equip and 3) Provide Effective Strategies to neurodiverse couples who are looking for support and resources on their neurodiverse journey. To learn more about Stephanie and Dan you can check out their website at: christianneurodiversemarriage.com or listen to their podcast: Neurodiverse Christian Couples.   ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  The Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards are available for purchase. If you would like to buy a deck, please check out the "Conversation Cards" page on our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com.  Also, if you liked this episode, please rate it and subscribe to the podcast, so that you don’t miss any future episodes.  If you would like to learn more about the resources we have available for neurodiverse couples, please check out our website at: www.neurodiverselove.com  Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!