Neurodiverse Love with Mona Kay

During this episode, another wonderful AANE certified coach and therapist, Barbara Grant, shares how both her personal and professional experience have helped her better understand the strengths, differences and challenges in neurodiverse relationships.  She talks about her first marriage that ended after 20 years, and how unknown neurodiversity impacted that relationship  She also provides excellent tools and strategies that she uses to help neurodiverse couples and individuals on their unique journey's.  Barbara shares an overview of the 5 stages of change and talks about how each stage may look for neurodiverse couples.  Barbara also takes the audience through the process she helps couples navigate as they move from "education" about the neurodiverse paradigm, to "energized", as they work together to understand each other's unique strengths and differences and learn effective tools to  reduce challenges.    In addition, Barbara talks about the trauma that may occur for each partner and within the relationship.   Other important issues that Barbara addresses include: The ABCDE's of Couple Burnout Anxiety and depression How a neurodiverse relationship is like a "3 legged race" The different types of presentation of neurodiversity  The process and benefit of "active listening"  How good communication is like a game of "catch" The importance of "discernment coaching/counseling"   Barbara offers free 25 minutes consultations and she can be reached at: www.bg-hc.com or www.hopeforcouples.net _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you are interested in becoming an AANE certified therapist, or coach, or would like to register for the "Neurology Matters' training available through AANE, for couples or individuals in neurodiverse relationships, you can register at: aane.thinkific.com.  Please use the code NeurodiverseLove25 to get 25% off the registration fee.  To learn more about AANE, or to find an AANE certified therapist or coach in your area, please click here and look at the map halfway down the page. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please rate it, provide a review, and subscribe to the podcast, so you don't miss an episode. For more information about the support groups available for "neurodiverse couples" or the "neurotypical/non-autistic partners", please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love.   You can also contact Mona at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com. Thank you for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

Karen Watson is an AANE certified therapist who provides insight into her professional experience working with neurodiverse couples and her personal experience in a neurodiverse relationship.  During one of her therapy sessions, Karen's therapist suggested that she might be married to an autistic man and through that new lens, the way she viewed her marriage began to change.  Because of her personal experience, Karen knows how important it is for neurodiverse couples to work with a therapist who understands neurodiverse adults and neurodiverse couples.  Many "invisible challenges"  may be present that  couples (and therapists) may not understand.  These invisible challenges that are due to neurological differences can present as sensory difficulties, theory of mind challenges and cognitive differences.   In addition, Karen talks about how the current system creates challenges for obtaining a formal diagnosis for those who want to move in that direction. Karen also addresses many other important issues including: Asking for what you need. The importance of perspective taking. Changing the way we look at our partners...be curious, rather then hurt. The impact of trauma for both partners. Understanding and preparing for "life transitions". Learning about the cycle of shame. The value of taking "time outs" and using "code words". Accommodations that may need to be made in a therapists office, when working with neurodiverse couples. Believing your partner when they say "I don't know" and understanding this is not an excuse. Both partners adapting and understanding when a "relief valve" is needed.  You can contact Karen at: www.creativewisdomcounseling.com _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you are interested in becoming an AANE certified therapist, or coach, or would like to register for the "Neurology Matters' training available through AANE, for couples or individuals in neurodiverse relationships, you can register at: aane.thinkific.com.  Please use the code NeurodiverseLove25 to get 25% off the registration fee.  To learn more about AANE, or to find an AANE certified therapist or coach in your area, please click here and look at the map halfway down the page. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please rate it, provide a review, and subscribe to the podcast, so you don't miss an episode. For more information about the support groups available for "neurodiverse couples" or the "neurotypical/non-autistic partners", please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love.   You can also contact Mona at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com. Thank you for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

During this episode I have an opportunity to talk with another AANE Certified Therapist, Stephen Robertson.  Stephen talks about his own neurodiverse journey and some of the lessons he learned after his marriage ended.  He also shares how it took him a lifetime to get his Autism diagnosis and some of the challenges he had with therapy...until a therapist suggested he might be autistic.  His graduate thesis was on "what it is like to be an autistic person in a Master's program" and during that process he learned a lot about himself, and why he and his ex-wife had such different perspectives on marriage.   When working with neurodiverse couples Stephen takes time to meet with each partner separately.  He has learned that their stories about the challenges in the relationship can be SO different.  Stephen also stresses how important it is for both partners to understand each other's perspectives and he talks about how he uses several of the tools and techniques he learned through AANE to help address this: the Duck/Bunny picture and QAAA.  In addition, Stephen provides lots of valuable information about his own personal journey and his commitment to helping neurodiverse couples thrive.  More specifically he discusses: The value of slowing down, listening and validating each other. Determining if the patterns in your relationship are serving you and your partner. Understanding what your anger is telling you (ie: unmet need?) Grieving for the relationship you thought you would have. Creating trust and genuine interest in your partner. The importance of remaining curious. How some of our coping mechanisms are destructive. The way things changed when he and his ex-wife moved in together and how much she taught him. Don't expect you partner to read your mind. How "understanding" has been a gift. The "work" will continue throughout our lifetime. You can contact Stephen at the Neurodiverse Couples Counseling Center in San Jose, CA. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you are interested in becoming an AANE certified therapist, or coach, or would like to register for the "Neurology Matters' training available through AANE, for couples or individuals in neurodiverse relationships, you can register at: aane.thinkific.com.  Please use the code NeurodiverseLove25 to get 25% off the registration fee.  To learn more about AANE, or to find an AANE certified therapist or coach in your area, please click here and look at the map halfway down the page. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please rate it, provide a review and subscribe to the podcast, so you don't miss an episode. For more information about the support groups available for "neurodiverse couples" or the "neurotypical/non-autistic partners", please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love.   You can also contact Mona at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com. Thank you for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

During this episode I have an opportunity to talk with Laura Schreiner, another AANE certified therapist.  Laura is also in a neurodiverse relationship and when her and her spouse discovered he was on the spectrum, she began to ask herself "What About Me?"   That question led her to create a support group called "What About Me? (WAM) for neurotypical partners.  The group has been meeting for about two years and Laura shares a little bit about the work she is doing with the group.   In addition, Laura shares some of the answers she came up with as she began understanding so much more about her own marriage.  She  also talks in-depth about how she helps neurodiverse couples gain a better understanding of whether they are in each other's universe, galaxy or solar system and how they can visit each other's planet and communicate well when they come from different planets. Astronomy is a shared interest between her and her husband and that helped guide her to create this assessment process. Laura also addresses many other important issues including: The Communication Roundabout. Conversational intimacy. The importance of repair. What is "burden"? How each partner may be different inside and outside of their love relationship. Understanding and being aware of where you are in you relationship. The importance of relaxing your nervous system. How can both partners get their needs met? Stay present in the moment.  Don't focus on the past before you knew you were neurologically different. Creating a system to address executive function challenges. If you live in Illinois, and would like to contact Laura about therapy, or her support group, her website is: www.laurasnc.com and her email is: lucid@laurasnc.com _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you are interested in becoming an AANE certified therapist, or coach, or would like to register for the "Neurology Matters' training available through AANE, for couples or individuals in neurodiverse relationships, you can register at: aane.thinkific.com.  Please use the code NeurodiverseLove25 to get 25% off the registration fee.  To learn more about AANE, or to find an AANE certified therapist or coach in your area, please click here and look at the map halfway down the page. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please rate it, provide a review and subscribe to the podcast, so you don't miss an episode.  For more information about the support groups available for "neurodiverse couples" or the "neurotypical/non-autistic partners", please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love.   You can also contact Mona at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com. Thank you for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

During this episode you will hear from another AANE certified therapist, Constanze Schwaerzer-Dutta.  Conni lives in Germany and shares her own self-discovery journey and what made her wonder if she might be autistic.  She shares about the challenges she was having in a training for family therapists that made her move forward on pursing an autism diagnosis.  As a trainer, consultant and therapist Conni works to understand each person's perspective.  When she is counseling neurodiverse couples she serves as a translator and provides a safe space  for both partners to learn tools that can help them reduce conflict.  During this episode, Conni shares important information about her personal and professional experiences including: The value of combining problem solving and nurturing. The importance of neurodivergent individuals trusting their own perception. Understanding the fluidity of  "gender identity". Practicing "solidarity" as a way to show empathy. The impact of cognitive empathy. How things change when couples do "daily life" together. Spoon theory and having an empty "social account". Cognitive resources change when the relationship progresses. Conversation and language can mean different things to each partner. Learning what makes daily transitions smoother. Speaking under pressure, overthinking and thinking too much and doing too little. Being afraid to ask, guess or get it wrong. Why neurodiverse couples have the same conversation 3 times! Knowing that it is okay to do things in the order that works for you and your partner. You can contact Conni through her website at: https://autistic-love.de/ or at: https://www.constanzeschwaerzer.de _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you are interested in becoming an AANE certified therapist, or coach, or would like to register for the "Neurology Matters' training available through AANE, for couples or individuals in neurodiverse relationships, you can register at: aane.thinkific.com.  Please use the code NeurodiverseLove25 to get 25% off the registration fee.  To learn more about AANE, or to find an AANE certified therapist or coach in your area, please click here and look at the map halfway down the page. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please subscribe to the podcast, so you don't miss an episode. For more information about the support groups available for "neurodiverse couples" or the "neurotypical/non-autistic partners" please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love You can also contact Mona at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Thank you for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

During this bonus episode of the podcast, 23 year old autistic filmmaker Louis Bennies talks about his neurodiverse journey.  He shares a little about some of the gifts and unique differences his parents saw in him that may have contributed to them moving forward on his ASD/ADHD diagnosis. Louis also shares how his college thesis focused on how autistic people are portrayed in film and tv.  Part of his work as a writer, filmmaker and producer is to show the world the many dimensions and strengths of autistic individuals.  It makes him sad to see only the stereotypes of autism that are portrayed in film and tv.  So he is using his many creative talents and skills to help change that and increase understanding of neurodiversity. Last year, Louis released a wonderful short film called "SIGNALES" that was produced with German speaking actors, but has captions in English.  The film is a wonderfully honest example of what a first love can look like, when an autistic young man is interested in a fellow student who is not autistic.  Through his film Louis wants people to know  how autistic people feel and think in various life situations, including romantic relationships.   Louis is a gifted writer, filmmaker and producer and is working on making his short film into a feature film.  In the expanded film, he wants to delve deeper into the main characters and show how they deal with more of life's challenges and difficulties.  Louis hopes to one day be a studio film director and loves making dramas that show real-life situations, that include conflict that is told in an honest, realistic way.  He loves to be moved by movies---and I think anyone that watches "Signales" will be moved by the young couple that is navigating their unique differences and strengths with kindness, compassion and grace. Check out the short film Signales on Louis Bennies YouTube Channel.  You can also follow Louis on IG @mindmaster58    If you are interested in helping to fund the feature length version of Signales, please check out the fundraising page.  Thanks everyone:-) _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you would like to contact Mona you can e-mail her at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com or you can follow her on Instagram @neurodiverse_love You can also check out the resources available at: www.neurodiverselove.com Thanks for being part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

During this episode I talk with another AANE Certified Therapist, Kory Chase, LCSW.  Kory worked for the school system for 20 years before she started her private practice.  She specializes in conducting autism assessments and working with neurodiverse couples and individuals.  Kory shares a little bit about her family history with neurodiversity and the journey she was on to find a professional she could trust to conduct an autism assessment for her daughter. During this journey, Kory took a deep dive into gaining more understanding about autistic females, so she could better understand how to support and parent her daughter. We also talk about how to communicate about neurodiversity with other family members and the strength based suggestions she has.  In addition, we discuss a lot of other very important topics including: Trusting and believing when someone shares they are autistic and asking "what is the cost of me believing what I am being told"? That autistic individuals are often misdiagnosed many times before getting the correct diagnosis. The importance and value of a diagnosis, or self-identification, and that this is SO much bigger then the DSM! How it may feel after finally getting the correct assessment. The value and importance of psycho-education and defining and understanding what success and connection look like to each partner in a neurodiverse relationship. Understanding how your partner processes hard things and accepting that some things are not intentional. Neurodiverse couples can become "Power Couples" when they recognize how differences can enhance their relationship. Defining & understanding "Emotional Connection" and understanding each others love languages. Importance of knowing & understanding "expectations". Finding overlapping interests. The role of solitude in creating calm. Differences in sex, physical intimacy and relationship dynamics. Rules in the beginning of a relationship and how they change over time. The impact of understanding intimacy through the lens of movies and porn and the impact of changing sensory sensitivities. The best thing we can do is ask questions and find people that understand and get us! You can contact Kory at: www.korychase.com. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you are interested in becoming an AANE certified therapist, or coach, or would like to register for the "Neurology Matters' training available through AANE, for couples or individuals in neurodiverse relationships, you can register at: aane.thinkific.com.  Please use the code NeurodiverseLove25 to get 25% off the registration fee.  To learn more about AANE, or to find an AANE certified therapist or coach in your area, please click here and look at the map halfway down the page. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please subscribe to the podcast, so you don't miss an episode. For more information about the support groups available for "neurodiverse couples" or the "neurotypical/non-autistic partners" please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love You can also contact Mona at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Thank you for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

Catherine Pfuntner is a certified AANE therapist, a licensed therapist in Hawaii, Massachusetts and New Hampshire and a coach.   During this episode Catherine shares the importance of both partners understanding they are "different" not "better" then each other. In addition, we address so many other  important issues that can help "build trust and connection" or lead to "misunderstanding" including: What communicates contempt--even when that isn't the intent? Antidotes for contempt. When partners think the other is too logical or emotional. How to create a culture of appreciation and how each partner may feel about appreciation. Different ways that each partner may show empathy. Emotional differences. The importance of understanding frameworks!!! Why your partner may view compliments through a "suspicious lens". How different filters can change the way things are perceived and how perspective impacts SO much! What "the aftermath of a regrettable incident" is and why repair is so important. Trigger management is an individual responsibility! The importance of understanding and appreciating "approximation". Making "positive" requests for changes. To contact Catherine you can reach her at 978-674-8539 or at: www.couplestherapyinc.com _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you are interested in becoming an AANE certified therapist, or coach, or would like to register for the "Neurology Matters' training available through AANE, for couples or individuals in neurodiverse relationships, you can register at: aane.thinkific.com.  Please use the code NeurodiverseLove25 to get 25% off the registration fee.  To learn more about AANE, or to find an AANE certified therapist or coach in your area, please click here and look at the map halfway down the page. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please subscribe to the podcast, so you don't miss an episode. For more information about the support groups available for "neurodiverse couples" or the "neurotypical/non-autistic partners" please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love You can also contact Mona at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Thank you for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

During this episode, Laurie Budlong-Morse, another AANE certified therapist,  shares how she uses the Collaborative Therapy Model to help neurodiverse couples better understand each other and move toward creating a successful relationship. This model focuses on the importance of dialogue with respect and understanding for multiple voices, so that new possibilities can emerge that wouldn’t have happened without understanding and valuing each persons unique perspective.   Other topics discussed are:  Mapping the communication and interaction patterns between the partners. Creating an opportunity for both partners to understand each other’s perspectives-using a neurological lens.   Using Dialogue to create Relationship Rubrics that can provide an opportunity to get clarity about what each partner wants, needs, prefers and expects from the other and then they can work together to  create a new, more intentional rubric that works for both partners.   Unspoken wants and expectations don’t automatically get fulfilled, so creating rubrics can help reduce challenges.   Social construction is based on the belief that all of us are operating out of language and frameworks for understanding the world that society has given us and some of them can be flawed and may not apply in neurodiverse relationships. Some frameworks can create shame for both partners because standards are being created by neurotypically trained therapists. Sometimes these tools that are supposed to help couples, can lead to creating more division and anxiety.  Some of the issues that can present during therapy and may be a sign that you’re a neurodiverse couple:  Different recollections of the same event.  Each person is using a completely different "map" based on their neurology.  Differences can get hard to reconcile  Prioritizing information differently, based on what’s important to each partner.  One partner saying "If you would “JUST” and the underlying meaning is: "What I’m asking you to do is easy for my brain, so why can’t you do what would come easily for me?  In addition, because you're not doing "IT" that must mean that you really don't love me!!!  One or both partners feel like they are on two different teams. In a neurodiverse relationship instead of passing the ball back and forth it looks like you’re both playing on side by side courts.  Unique challenges that make occur with family or parent responsibilities.  Sensory issues may not be recognized because the neurodivergent partner may not have been given language for sensory sensitivities. Instead, they may have found ways around the sensory issues, without having the language to describe what they are feeling.  If you would like to contact Laurie, you can check out her website at: www.Lauriebmorse.com  If you are interested in becoming an AANE certified therapist or coach, you can register at: aane.thinkific.com and use code NeurodiverseLove25 for 25%off the registration fee. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please subscribe to the podcast, so you don’t miss an episode. Check out the Neurodiverse Love website at: www.neurodiverselove.com, or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love.   For more information about the workshops or online support groups Mona offers for either neurodiverse couples, or neurotypical/non-autistic partners, you can send an email to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Thank you for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

Christa Marvenko-Athas is an AANE certified therapist,  licensed to provide therapy in Maryland.  Christa also provides coaching for neurodiverse couples and pre-marital coaching worldwide.  During this episode, Christa provides so much valuable information about how she uses the "development model" to help neurodiverse couples better understand themselves and each other.  More specifically she provides information on: How we need to understand that the only person we can change is ourselves. How to bring up the issue of "neurodiversity" in your relationship, when your partner is not willing to acknowledge it. Dealing with grief because some things in the relationship are not going to change. What it means to take a time out without walking out. The negative impact of creating a parent-child dynamic in your relationship and how to change this dynamic. Understanding how both partners use ineffective behaviors-- where they come from, and how to change them. How to use the "initiator and inquirer" tool to improve communication. What types of defense mechanisms are creating challenges. Understanding and reducing triggers. The importance of expressing empathy and compassion. Understanding what limerance is at the beginning of a relationship. If you would like to contact Christa about therapy or coaching you can e-mail her at: christa@christamarvenkoathas.com _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you are interested in becoming an AANE certified therapist, or coach, or would like to register for the "Neurology Matters" training available through AANE for neurodiverse couples, or individuals in neurodiverse relationships, you can register at: aane.thinkific.com.  In addition, please use the discount code NeurodiverseLove25 to get 25% off the registration fee. If you are looking for an AANE certified therapist or coach in your area, or want to learn more about AANE, please check out their website at: www.AANE.org ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please subscribe to the podcast so that you don't miss an episode.  If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love. If you are interested in joining one of the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/NT partners, please send Mona a DM or send an e-mail to neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com.  Mona is also offering support groups for Neurodiverse Couples. Please send an email to get info on the cost & meeting dates. Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!