Neurodiverse Love with Mona Kay

During this episode you will hear from another AANE certified therapist, Constanze Schwaerzer-Dutta.  Conni lives in Germany and shares her own self-discovery journey and what made her wonder if she might be autistic.  She shares about the challenges she was having in a training for family therapists that made her move forward on pursing an autism diagnosis.  As a trainer, consultant and therapist Conni works to understand each person's perspective.  When she is counseling neurodiverse couples she serves as a translator and provides a safe space  for both partners to learn tools that can help them reduce conflict.  During this episode, Conni shares important information about her personal and professional experiences including: The value of combining problem solving and nurturing. The importance of neurodivergent individuals trusting their own perception. Understanding the fluidity of  "gender identity". Practicing "solidarity" as a way to show empathy. The impact of cognitive empathy. How things change when couples do "daily life" together. Spoon theory and having an empty "social account". Cognitive resources change when the relationship progresses. Conversation and language can mean different things to each partner. Learning what makes daily transitions smoother. Speaking under pressure, overthinking and thinking too much and doing too little. Being afraid to ask, guess or get it wrong. Why neurodiverse couples have the same conversation 3 times! Knowing that it is okay to do things in the order that works for you and your partner. You can contact Conni through her website at: https://autistic-love.de/ or at: https://www.constanzeschwaerzer.de _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you are interested in becoming an AANE certified therapist, or coach, or would like to register for the "Neurology Matters' training available through AANE, for couples or individuals in neurodiverse relationships, you can register at: aane.thinkific.com.  Please use the code NeurodiverseLove25 to get 25% off the registration fee.  To learn more about AANE, or to find an AANE certified therapist or coach in your area, please click here and look at the map halfway down the page. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please subscribe to the podcast, so you don't miss an episode. For more information about the support groups available for "neurodiverse couples" or the "neurotypical/non-autistic partners" please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love You can also contact Mona at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Thank you for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

During this bonus episode of the podcast, 23 year old autistic filmmaker Louis Bennies talks about his neurodiverse journey.  He shares a little about some of the gifts and unique differences his parents saw in him that may have contributed to them moving forward on his ASD/ADHD diagnosis. Louis also shares how his college thesis focused on how autistic people are portrayed in film and tv.  Part of his work as a writer, filmmaker and producer is to show the world the many dimensions and strengths of autistic individuals.  It makes him sad to see only the stereotypes of autism that are portrayed in film and tv.  So he is using his many creative talents and skills to help change that and increase understanding of neurodiversity. Last year, Louis released a wonderful short film called "SIGNALES" that was produced with German speaking actors, but has captions in English.  The film is a wonderfully honest example of what a first love can look like, when an autistic young man is interested in a fellow student who is not autistic.  Through his film Louis wants people to know  how autistic people feel and think in various life situations, including romantic relationships.   Louis is a gifted writer, filmmaker and producer and is working on making his short film into a feature film.  In the expanded film, he wants to delve deeper into the main characters and show how they deal with more of life's challenges and difficulties.  Louis hopes to one day be a studio film director and loves making dramas that show real-life situations, that include conflict that is told in an honest, realistic way.  He loves to be moved by movies---and I think anyone that watches "Signales" will be moved by the young couple that is navigating their unique differences and strengths with kindness, compassion and grace. Check out the short film Signales on Louis Bennies YouTube Channel.  You can also follow Louis on IG @mindmaster58    If you are interested in helping to fund the feature length version of Signales, please check out the fundraising page.  Thanks everyone:-) _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you would like to contact Mona you can e-mail her at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com or you can follow her on Instagram @neurodiverse_love You can also check out the resources available at: www.neurodiverselove.com Thanks for being part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

During this episode I talk with another AANE Certified Therapist, Kory Chase, LCSW.  Kory worked for the school system for 20 years before she started her private practice.  She specializes in conducting autism assessments and working with neurodiverse couples and individuals.  Kory shares a little bit about her family history with neurodiversity and the journey she was on to find a professional she could trust to conduct an autism assessment for her daughter. During this journey, Kory took a deep dive into gaining more understanding about autistic females, so she could better understand how to support and parent her daughter. We also talk about how to communicate about neurodiversity with other family members and the strength based suggestions she has.  In addition, we discuss a lot of other very important topics including: Trusting and believing when someone shares they are autistic and asking "what is the cost of me believing what I am being told"? That autistic individuals are often misdiagnosed many times before getting the correct diagnosis. The importance and value of a diagnosis, or self-identification, and that this is SO much bigger then the DSM! How it may feel after finally getting the correct assessment. The value and importance of psycho-education and defining and understanding what success and connection look like to each partner in a neurodiverse relationship. Understanding how your partner processes hard things and accepting that some things are not intentional. Neurodiverse couples can become "Power Couples" when they recognize how differences can enhance their relationship. Defining & understanding "Emotional Connection" and understanding each others love languages. Importance of knowing & understanding "expectations". Finding overlapping interests. The role of solitude in creating calm. Differences in sex, physical intimacy and relationship dynamics. Rules in the beginning of a relationship and how they change over time. The impact of understanding intimacy through the lens of movies and porn and the impact of changing sensory sensitivities. The best thing we can do is ask questions and find people that understand and get us! You can contact Kory at: www.korychase.com. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you are interested in becoming an AANE certified therapist, or coach, or would like to register for the "Neurology Matters' training available through AANE, for couples or individuals in neurodiverse relationships, you can register at: aane.thinkific.com.  Please use the code NeurodiverseLove25 to get 25% off the registration fee.  To learn more about AANE, or to find an AANE certified therapist or coach in your area, please click here and look at the map halfway down the page. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please subscribe to the podcast, so you don't miss an episode. For more information about the support groups available for "neurodiverse couples" or the "neurotypical/non-autistic partners" please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love You can also contact Mona at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Thank you for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

Catherine Pfuntner is a certified AANE therapist, a licensed therapist in Hawaii, Massachusetts and New Hampshire and a coach.   During this episode Catherine shares the importance of both partners understanding they are "different" not "better" then each other. In addition, we address so many other  important issues that can help "build trust and connection" or lead to "misunderstanding" including: What communicates contempt--even when that isn't the intent? Antidotes for contempt. When partners think the other is too logical or emotional. How to create a culture of appreciation and how each partner may feel about appreciation. Different ways that each partner may show empathy. Emotional differences. The importance of understanding frameworks!!! Why your partner may view compliments through a "suspicious lens". How different filters can change the way things are perceived and how perspective impacts SO much! What "the aftermath of a regrettable incident" is and why repair is so important. Trigger management is an individual responsibility! The importance of understanding and appreciating "approximation". Making "positive" requests for changes. To contact Catherine you can reach her at 978-674-8539 or at: www.couplestherapyinc.com _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you are interested in becoming an AANE certified therapist, or coach, or would like to register for the "Neurology Matters' training available through AANE, for couples or individuals in neurodiverse relationships, you can register at: aane.thinkific.com.  Please use the code NeurodiverseLove25 to get 25% off the registration fee.  To learn more about AANE, or to find an AANE certified therapist or coach in your area, please click here and look at the map halfway down the page. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please subscribe to the podcast, so you don't miss an episode. For more information about the support groups available for "neurodiverse couples" or the "neurotypical/non-autistic partners" please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love You can also contact Mona at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Thank you for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

During this episode, Laurie Budlong-Morse, another AANE certified therapist,  shares how she uses the Collaborative Therapy Model to help neurodiverse couples better understand each other and move toward creating a successful relationship. This model focuses on the importance of dialogue with respect and understanding for multiple voices, so that new possibilities can emerge that wouldn’t have happened without understanding and valuing each persons unique perspective.   Other topics discussed are:  Mapping the communication and interaction patterns between the partners. Creating an opportunity for both partners to understand each other’s perspectives-using a neurological lens.   Using Dialogue to create Relationship Rubrics that can provide an opportunity to get clarity about what each partner wants, needs, prefers and expects from the other and then they can work together to  create a new, more intentional rubric that works for both partners.   Unspoken wants and expectations don’t automatically get fulfilled, so creating rubrics can help reduce challenges.   Social construction is based on the belief that all of us are operating out of language and frameworks for understanding the world that society has given us and some of them can be flawed and may not apply in neurodiverse relationships. Some frameworks can create shame for both partners because standards are being created by neurotypically trained therapists. Sometimes these tools that are supposed to help couples, can lead to creating more division and anxiety.  Some of the issues that can present during therapy and may be a sign that you’re a neurodiverse couple:  Different recollections of the same event.  Each person is using a completely different "map" based on their neurology.  Differences can get hard to reconcile  Prioritizing information differently, based on what’s important to each partner.  One partner saying "If you would “JUST” and the underlying meaning is: "What I’m asking you to do is easy for my brain, so why can’t you do what would come easily for me?  In addition, because you're not doing "IT" that must mean that you really don't love me!!!  One or both partners feel like they are on two different teams. In a neurodiverse relationship instead of passing the ball back and forth it looks like you’re both playing on side by side courts.  Unique challenges that make occur with family or parent responsibilities.  Sensory issues may not be recognized because the neurodivergent partner may not have been given language for sensory sensitivities. Instead, they may have found ways around the sensory issues, without having the language to describe what they are feeling.  If you would like to contact Laurie, you can check out her website at: www.Lauriebmorse.com  If you are interested in becoming an AANE certified therapist or coach, you can register at: aane.thinkific.com and use code NeurodiverseLove25 for 25%off the registration fee. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please subscribe to the podcast, so you don’t miss an episode. Check out the Neurodiverse Love website at: www.neurodiverselove.com, or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love.   For more information about the workshops or online support groups Mona offers for either neurodiverse couples, or neurotypical/non-autistic partners, you can send an email to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Thank you for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

Christa Marvenko-Athas is an AANE certified therapist,  licensed to provide therapy in Maryland.  Christa also provides coaching for neurodiverse couples and pre-marital coaching worldwide.  During this episode, Christa provides so much valuable information about how she uses the "development model" to help neurodiverse couples better understand themselves and each other.  More specifically she provides information on: How we need to understand that the only person we can change is ourselves. How to bring up the issue of "neurodiversity" in your relationship, when your partner is not willing to acknowledge it. Dealing with grief because some things in the relationship are not going to change. What it means to take a time out without walking out. The negative impact of creating a parent-child dynamic in your relationship and how to change this dynamic. Understanding how both partners use ineffective behaviors-- where they come from, and how to change them. How to use the "initiator and inquirer" tool to improve communication. What types of defense mechanisms are creating challenges. Understanding and reducing triggers. The importance of expressing empathy and compassion. Understanding what limerance is at the beginning of a relationship. If you would like to contact Christa about therapy or coaching you can e-mail her at: christa@christamarvenkoathas.com _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you are interested in becoming an AANE certified therapist, or coach, or would like to register for the "Neurology Matters" training available through AANE for neurodiverse couples, or individuals in neurodiverse relationships, you can register at: aane.thinkific.com.  In addition, please use the discount code NeurodiverseLove25 to get 25% off the registration fee. If you are looking for an AANE certified therapist or coach in your area, or want to learn more about AANE, please check out their website at: www.AANE.org ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please subscribe to the podcast so that you don't miss an episode.  If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love. If you are interested in joining one of the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/NT partners, please send Mona a DM or send an e-mail to neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com.  Mona is also offering support groups for Neurodiverse Couples. Please send an email to get info on the cost & meeting dates. Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

Greg Fuqua came into the counseling profession a few years ago after spending more then 20 years working as a professional artist and teaching at 10 different schools.  He is an AANE certified therapist and has been on his own neurodiverse journey for the past few years.  During this episode, Greg shares how Internal Family Systems has made a difference in his life and how he uses it to help guide others on their healing journey.  Greg also talks about: His autism discovery and his relationship with himself and how he has reworked his narrative and life. Some of the challenges he experienced in his marriage and how his wife knew he was autistic, but didn't tell him as she thought it was his journey to discover.   How he had less capacity for perspective taking and empathy because he was stressed out and needed things a certain way. That the most important thing is your relationship with yourself and how his "self-identification" led to self-empathy. Letting go of rigidity allowed him to have more space for his emotions. How his group and family therapist have been resistant to his autism identification. That you can't change the past, but you can work on growing and improving the way you show up in your relationships with your partner, children and family. How art and soccer helped him find himself. The impact of relational trauma prior to identifying as autistic. That IFS is a relational model for working with yourself and your history and it is the most important tool he has for his autistic clients, as it helps teach relational skills with yourself and others. That IFS has also helped him create a dialogue and deeper understanding of himself.  Including "radical acceptance" of the good intention of his "parts".  Teaching people how important it is to know their bodies and understand when they feel differently and are being "triggered"  and their "protective parts" are taking over. Autistic people being overprotective because of difficulty they may have had fitting in and not being able to read social cues. Understanding how to give your "parts" enough "space" to be a compassionate witness and learn what is happening inside, and how this can also be applied to other relationships.   Once you have self-empathy, you can have empathy for others.  Perspective taking, availability, self-awareness and flexibility can start happening. How symbolism, metaphors, art, fantastical and spiritual thinking can be helpful. Neurodiverse couples can begin to reimagine their relationships and create a window of understanding for each other's internal experiences.  Creating more compassion, curiosity, and depth of understanding for each other's differences. Neurodiverse relationships require constant renegotiation with yourself, your romantic partner, and your family. You can contact Greg at: www.lifeworksdm.com or through his profile on Psychology Today. If you are interested in becoming an AANE certified therapist or coach, you can register at: aane.thinkific.com-Use code NeurodiverseLove25 for a 25% discount. If you liked this episode, please subscribe to the podcast so that you don't miss an episode.  If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love. If you are interested in joining one of the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/NT partners, please send Mona a DM or send an e-mail to neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com.  Mona is also offering support groups for Neurodiverse Couples. Please send an email to get info on cost & meeting dates. Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

During this episode, Margy Wakefield, AANE Certified Therapist & Coach shares the steps neurodiverse couples can practice to improve communication by implementing "Island Visits".  This tool can be used after "de-escalation", when both partners have a relaxed nervous system.  The key principles and steps are provided below: Understand that on each island we speak "our own language". Each island has its own neighborhoods.  Each neighborhood focuses on a different area of life: ie: work, family, etc.   In some neighborhoods we both may feel emotionally safe, however in others, we may need to work on creating more emotional safety. Visit only one neighborhood (issue) when you visit each other's island. Between the islands there is a space where we "live" and if often gets polluted by stress and our individual behaviors. The "space between" partners is "sacred" and both partners have a responsibility to keep it from getting polluted. We can consciously build a "bridge"  from one island to the other. The island host is the the one who wants to discuss an issue with their partner and they invite them to their island. As a partner "crosses the bridge" to make an island visit, it is important that they become "fully present", so that they can hear and understand what is being addressed. Use "I" messages during island visits.  No naming, blaming or shaming of your partner when you are visiting their island. Speak in short, concise sentences. The visitor repeats back what they heard the island host say.  They "mirror" what they heard and then can ask: "is that correct?" or  "is there more?" or "can you share that in another way, so I can better understand?" If we get "defensive" or "reactive" we have gone back to our own island and are not fully "present" for our partner. It takes courage to invite your partner to your island and we have to respect each partner's communication style and processing speed. If you would like to contact Margy you can check out her website at: margywakefield.com or email her at: margywakefield@gmail.com.  Margy also offers two monthly support groups for neurotypical partners.  The groups are offered through Zoom and take place on Tuesday afternoons or evenings.  -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you liked this episode, please subscribe to the podcast so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Mona is also offering support groups for Neurodiverse Couples.  If you and your partner are interested in joining a group, please send an e-mail with the heading "Neurodiverse Couples Group" to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com.  You will receive information about the cost and the dates for the next group. Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

On this episode of the podcast, AANE certified therapist, Daniel Dashnaw, from Couples Therapy, Inc. provides important information about how the stories and narratives we create, impact our neurodiverse relationships and our nervous systems.  He also addresses how partners may experience a polarity in emotional styles that can lead to a clash around the stories both partners "tell" themselves.  Daniel talks about how he helps both partners "slow down" and unpack the stories and narratives to create better understanding and reduce conflict in their relationship.  He also shares how he creates structure in conflict and provides couples with concrete tools that can be used to reduce nervous system overwhelm and flooding. Daniel also addresses: The challenges of marathon emotional sharing. The value of "soft start-ups" How a clash of expectations impacts both partners. How trauma impacts our brains. The importance of special interests for re-regulating the nervous system. Understanding the impact of mind-blindness. Finding ways to increase understanding of both partner's perspectives. Cognitive empathy. The importance of asking: "What kind of relationship do you want to have?; "What kind of partner do you want to be?"; and "What is the distance between the two?" If you are interested in contacting Daniel you can reach him at: www.couplestherapyinc.com _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you are interested in becoming an AANE certified therapist, or coach, or would like to register for the "Neurology Matters" training available through AANE for neurodiverse couples, or individuals in neurodiverse relationships, you can register at: aane.thinkific.com.  In addition, please use the discount code NeurodiverseLove25 to get 25% off the registration fee.  If you are looking for an AANE certified therapist or coach in your area, or want to learn more about AANE, please check out their website at: www.AANE.org -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you liked this episode, please subscribe to the podcast so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Mona is also offering support groups for Neurodiverse Couples.  If you and your partner are interested in joining a group, please send an e-mail with the heading "Neurodiverse Couples Group" to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com.  You will receive information about the cost and the dates for the next group. Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!

Welcome to Episode 1 of Season 4 of the Neurodiverse Love podcast.  During this season, Mona will focus on a series of in-depth conversations with AANE certified therapists and coaches.  Mona is partnering with AANE and the Director of the Peter M. Friedman-Neurodiverse Couples Institute, Grace Myhill, so that more neurodiverse couples, and individuals in neurodiverse relationships, will have access to even more helping professionals throughout the world who understand how "neurology matters". During this episode you will learn why Grace and her colleagues at AANE created the "Neurolology Matters" training and certification for therapists and coaches. You will also learn about the training available for neurodiverse couples or individual partners.  Grace provides information on: *The Myhill/Jekel Model for Working with Neurodiverse Couples Therapy  *The 3 Core Components of the Model and an overview of each:  Component #1-Recognize Component #2-Understand  Component #3-Treat *The length of the training and certification process, as well as the modalities used. *Who should consider taking the training?  *The type of ongoing support offered to therapists and coaches who complete the training and certification.  *How to find an AANE certified therapist or coach.  *Other resources offered through AANE.org. If you are interested in becoming an AANE certified therapist or coach you can register at: aane.thinkific.com.  In addition, please use the discount code NeurodiverseLove25 to get 25% off the registration fee. If you want to contact Grace her e-mail address is: grace.myhill@aane.org  Other AANE certified therapists and coaches that have been guests on the Neurodiverse Love podcast during Season 3 are:  Jill Corvelli-S3-episode 31  Stephanie Holmes-S3-episode 21  Kathy McMahon-S3-episode 25  Michael McNulty-S3-episode 28  Cheryl Rhodes-S3-episode 32  Robin Tate-S3-episode 29  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------If you liked this episode, please subscribe to the podcast so that you don't miss an episode. If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love  If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com  Mona is also offering support groups for Neurodiverse Couples.  If you and your partner are interested in joining a group, please send an e-mail with the heading "Neurodiverse Couples Group" to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com.  You will receive information about the cost and the dates for the next group.  Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!