Understanding How To Use The "Island Visit" As An Effective Communication Tool-Margy Wakefield

During this episode, Margy Wakefield, AANE Certified Therapist & Coach shares the steps neurodiverse couples can practice to improve communication by implementing "Island Visits".  This tool can be used after "de-escalation", when both partners have a relaxed nervous system.  The key principles and steps are provided below:

• Understand that on each island we speak "our own language".
• Each island has its own neighborhoods.  Each neighborhood focuses on a different area of life: ie: work, family, etc.  
• In some neighborhoods we both may feel emotionally safe, however in others, we may need to work on creating more emotional safety.
• Visit only one neighborhood (issue) when you visit each other's island.
• Between the islands there is a space where we "live" and if often gets polluted by stress and our individual behaviors.
• The "space between" partners is "sacred" and both partners have a responsibility to keep it from getting polluted.
• We can consciously build a "bridge"  from one island to the other.
• The island host is the the one who wants to discuss an issue with their partner and they invite them to their island.
• As a partner "crosses the bridge" to make an island visit, it is important that they become "fully present", so that they can hear and understand what is being addressed.
• Use "I" messages during island visits.  No naming, blaming or shaming of your partner when you are visiting their island.
• Speak in short, concise sentences.
• The visitor repeats back what they heard the island host say.  They "mirror" what they heard and then can ask: "is that correct?" or  "is there more?" or "can you share that in another way, so I can better understand?"
• If we get "defensive" or "reactive" we have gone back to our own island and are not fully "present" for our partner.
• It takes courage to invite your partner to your island and we have to respect each partner's communication style and processing speed.

If you would like to contact Margy you can check out her website at: margywakefield.com or email her at: margywakefield@gmail.com.  Margy also offers two monthly support groups for neurotypical partners.  The groups are offered through Zoom and take place on Tuesday afternoons or evenings. 

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If you would like to learn more about neurodiverse relationships, please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love

If you are interested in joining the free on-line peer support groups being offered for the non-autistic/neurotypical partners, please send Mona a DM on Instagram or send an email to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com

Mona is also offering support groups for Neurodiverse Couples.  If you and your partner are interested in joining a group, please send an e-mail with the heading "Neurodiverse Couples Group" to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com.  You will receive information about the cost and the dates for the next group.

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