Neurodiverse Love with Mona Kay

During this episode, Mona is joined by Heather Parks and Natalie Roberts from the Loving Difference online community. Heather and Natalie have been on the podcast numerous times and they were both amazing presenters at the 2023 Neurodiverse Love Conference. On this collaborative episode, the conversation focuses on three myths that may be the source of some of the challenges you and your partner are experiencing in your neurodiverse relationship: Myth #1) Neurodiversity is the problem that makes all differences more pronounced. Topics discussed include: The importance of self-awareness and reviewing your own patterns; adaptative strategies to armor up; expectations and beliefs we have about romantic relationships; the impact of stress from "unknown neurodiversity" and "unhealthy" relationship patterns; the importance of understanding the potential impact of childhood wounds and nervous system dysregulation; the importance of the mind/body connection; creating space between the stimulus and our reaction. Myth #2) Thinking you need to leave or you need your partner on board to change things. Topics discussed include: knowing your needs, preferences, tolerances and values; the impact of losing touch with yourself; getting clarity of thought and having healthier responses; the impact of other peoples nervous systems on you; reducing your own reactivity; getting in touch with yourself and your own happiness; restoring your choice and autonomy. Myth #3) If I do self-care and more things on my own, then things will get better. Topics discussed include: you have to fill the holes in your own bucket, not just focus on self-care; we all need good boundaries; take time to heal; determine what strategies need to change; understand your triggers and find better ways to handle them; get clarity about your needs (even if it's uncomfortable); there may be more separation in your relationship as changes occur; find ways to re-connect with your partner and revitalize your relationship; reduce "negative intimacy"; heal past hurts; find solutions; masking may have meant you don't know yourself or your partner. Please Remember: Your neurodiverse relationship may look very different from other people's relationships...and that's okay!!! You can reach Heather and Natalie at www.lovingdifference.net or on their websites at: www.natalieroberts.com and www.heatherparks.co.uk. You can also check out their podcast "Myth Busting Neurodiverse Relationships" wherever you listen to podcasts. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you are interested in learning more about the support groups that Mona offers for neurotypical/non-autistic partners or neurodiverse couples, please email her at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com. If you would like to subscribe to the Neurodiverse Love newsletter go to: www.neurodiverselove.com You can also follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love If you are interested in buying a deck of the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards, the digital deck is now available for $11.  ⁠⁠Click here⁠⁠ to buy your deck today. Lastly, if you missed the Neurodiverse Love Conference you can get unlimited access to the 27  AMAZING  pre-recorded conference sessions for only $98. ⁠⁠Click here ⁠⁠to buy unlimited access to all the presentations today. Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love Community!

For more then 20 years, Dr. Kenneth Roberson has been providing therapy for both autistic individuals and neurodiverse couples and he also conducts ASD assessments.. During this episode he shares some of the topics he discusses with clients to provide support and guidance for autistic clients who want to have successful dating experiences. Some of the topics addressed include: The importance of focusing on and using your individuals strengths in the dating process (ie: kindness, thoughtfulness, honesty) Focus conversation on areas of mutual interest. Become aware of the triggers that may lead to a meltdown and avoid going to places that may lead to triggering reactions. Understand your sensory sensitivities and plan a date that will be sensory friendly. Make sure the place you are meeting works for both of you. Don't try to be something you 're not and exhaust or overwhelm yourself. Pace yourself. Socializing requires a lot of energy and you may have to recharge your social battery. Be patient with the dating process. It takes time to get to know someone and for them to get to know you. Ask thoughtful and relevant questions without making the conversation an interview. To show interest, respect and to make a connection, you may want to prepare some questions before the date. Trust your suspicions, if something or someone seems "off" you can leave the date or end it. Think about and get clear about what you want in a partner before you begin dating. You may want to ask friends to help you write an online dating profile, as they may help you recognize some of your strengths that might be important in the dating process. Determine if you want to share some of your autistic traits on your dating profile, or if you want to state that you are autistic and share what that means for you and what you are looking for in a partner. Meeting for something casual for a first meeting...like a cup of coffee or a walk, instead of a formal date. Fear of rejection during dating is normal. People will get rejected and ghosted. Each time it happens we have an opportunity to learn and grow and move forward to find someone who is a better fit for us. You can contact Dr. Roberson by email at: dr.roberson@kennethrobersonphd.com or check out his website at: www.kennethrobersonphd ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you are interested in learning more about the support groups that Mona offers for neurotypical/non-autistic partners or neurodiverse couples, please email her at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com. If you would like to subscribe to the Neurodiverse Love newsletter go to: www.neurodiverselove.com Also, if you are interested in buying a deck of the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards, the digital deck is now available for $11.  ⁠⁠Click here⁠⁠ to buy your deck today. Lastly, if you missed the Neurodiverse Love Conference you can get unlimited access to the 27  AMAZING  pre-recorded conference sessions for only $98. ⁠⁠Click here ⁠⁠to buy unlimited access to all the presentations today. Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love Community!

This is the last episode with one of the Season 5 guest co-hosts, Greg Fuqua. During this episode, we address a topic from a listener who wanted to explore the way we often look at emotional differences in a neurodiverse relationship as either “logical” or “emotional”. She suggested that maybe it would be helpful to change the way we describe emotional responses and consider using terms like “expressive” or “inexpressive”. To expand this concept further, Mona and Greg discuss how some of us are taught to believe that we are “too much” or “too emotional” and that can lead to hiding our emotions, or becoming less expressive in our relationships. In turn, two unique individuals who come together in an intimate relationship don't always have the tools and foundation to connect with each other emotionally, bridge their differences, and understand each other's way of expressing emotions. Unfortunately, when we get stuck in using stereotypical ways to describe emotions in neurodiverse relationship we don't get to fully understand our partners. Greg talked about how "compassionate inquiry" may help both partners better understand each other's emotions, feelings, and state of being. Dr. Gabor Mate developed the "Compassionate Inquiry" psychotherapy approach, which reveals what lies beneath the appearance we present to the world (for more information on this approach check out: www.compassionateinquiry.com). Greg also shares how he and his wife "attune" and connect with each other by creating rituals of "safe conversation" and he shares how they implement this process. We also discuss: Healthy internalization versus toxic externalization The value of creating bridges around differences and getting out of the blame and shame mode. Relationship trauma The value of using the term "allistic" instead of neurotypical We all haves "parts" of us that hold wounds from childhood. The importance of "emotional ownership" and not being responsible for your partner's emotions Why "double empathy" is so important and the value of understanding each other's "whys". We all have different ways of perceiving, responding and processing. Why the most powerful and important traits in a relationship may be having a "growth mindset" and an "open mind" We wrap up the episode with a conversation about how having a child and parenting can dramatically change a neurodiverse relationship and some of the things we have each have learned as parents in a neurodiverse relationship. Thanks to Greg for being a guest co-host on the podcast and for sharing so much important information with the world. It has been a pleasure to have had so many important conversations together and I hope that the listeners have benefitted from our different perspectives, lived experiences and the lessons we have learned on our respective journey's. If you would like to contact Greg you can email him at gfuqua70@gmail.com, check out his website at: www.GregFuqua.com or contact him at www.LifeWorksDM.com.  You can also check out his profile on ⁠Psychology Today⁠. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you are interested in learning more about the support groups that Mona offers for neurotypical/non-autistic partners or neurodiverse couples, please email her at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com. If you would like to subscribe to the Neurodiverse Love newsletter go to: www.neurodiverselove.com Also, if you are interested in buying a deck of the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards, the digital deck is now available for $11.  ⁠Click here⁠ to buy your deck today. Lastly, if you missed the Neurodiverse Love Conference you can get unlimited access to the 27  AMAZING  pre-recorded conference sessions for only $98. ⁠Click here ⁠to buy unlimited access to all the presentations today. Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love Community!

On May 30, 2018, Mona and her ex-husband divorced after 30 years of marriage. While that was one of the most emotionally difficult days of Mona's life, she took the time to heal and created Neurodiverse Love to help others learn from her lived experiences and lessons learned, as well as the expertise and experiences from others. In this solo episode, Mona talks about some of the emotional, communication, sensory, processing and employment differences that had an impact on her marriage. In addition, she shares what happened that made her realize her ex was no longer willing to treat her with the kindness and compassion she needed and deserved and how the loss of trust impacted her decision to move forward on a divorce. If you would like to hear more about Mona's journey you can also listen to Episode 20 from Season 2 of the Neurodiverse Love podcast. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you are interested in learning more about the support groups that Mona offers for neurotypical/non-autistic partners or neurodiverse couples, please send her an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com. or visit her website at: www.neurodiverselove.com Follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love or ⁠click here⁠ to sign up for the Neurodiverse Love Newsletter. Also, if you are interested in buying a deck of the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards, the digital deck is now available for $11.  ⁠Click here⁠ to buy your deck today. Lastly, if you missed the Neurodiverse Love Conference you can now get "unlimited" access to the 27 AMAZING  pre-recorded conference sessions for only $98, just ⁠click here⁠. Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love Community!

During this episode, Jes Diverges shares a little about her AuDHD journey, the lessons she has learned along the way (and in her current relationship), as well as the work she is doing to help other neurodivergent folks. (Please excuse the technical difficulties we had for the first few minutes of the episode...thanks!) Some of the topics Jes addresses include: Knowing where your partner is, accepting who they are, making space for them and not trying to fix them. The importance of understanding that you're not responsible for anyone's emotions but your own. Looking at differences as important for the relationship. The importance of two people working to cultivate the relationship. Co-dependency and enabling leads to encouraging dependency. Interdependency and how both partners have autonomy and connection and this helps encourage mutual growth and well-being. When a supportive partnership looks like "co-dependency" to the outside world. The value of active listening and appreciation of effort. Don't compromise your core values. "Shoulds" aren't healthy. Determine what you are willing to accept. Lowering expectations in a positive way can help reduce anxiety. The importance of the "flow state" for autistics and how it helps with regulation. How "monotropism" helps explains a lot of autism. Hyperconnectivity and less neural pruning in neurodivergent brains. The importance of making transitions smoother. Sticky hand thinking. Jes is a coach and is creating the "Combo Meal Confidence Course" to help other neurodivergent people live their best, most authentic lives. You can reach Jes at: jes@jesdiverges.com. You can also follow her on Instagram and TikTok @jesdiverges, or check out her website at: jesdiverges.com _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you are interested in learning more about the support groups that Mona offers for neurotypical/non-autistic partners or neurodiverse couples, please send her an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com. or visit her website at: www.neurodiverselove.com Follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love or ⁠click here⁠ to sign up for the Neurodiverse Love Newsletter. Also, if you are interested in buying a deck of the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards, the digital deck is now available for $11.  ⁠Click here⁠ to buy your deck today. Lastly, if you missed the Neurodiverse Love Conference you can now get "unlimited" access to the 27 AMAZING  pre-recorded conference sessions for only $98, just ⁠click here⁠ Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love Community!

In this solo episode, Mona addresses some important issues that are repeatedly discussed in the support groups she facilitates for neurodiverse couples and neurotypical/non-autistic partners. The topics are: 1) the importance of being vulnerable and real in your intimate relationships and creating emotional safety so this can happen; 2) The impact of feeling stuck in life and in your relationship and remembering what brings you happiness and peace; and 3) What unmet needs or unacknowledged fears may be creating challenges in your life and relationship? All of these issues may be a challenge to both acknowledge and address, however as difficult as they may be to deal with individually and with your partner, they can also help pave a path forward that will create a life that includes more balance, happiness and peace. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you are interested in learning more about the support groups that Mona offers for neurotypical/non-autistic partners or neurodiverse couples, please send her an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com. or visit her website at: www.neurodiverselove.com Follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love or ⁠click here⁠ to sign up for the Neurodiverse Love Newsletter. Also, if you are interested in buying a deck of the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards, the digital deck is now available for $11.  ⁠Click here⁠ to buy your deck today. Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love Community!

During this episode with guest co-host Dr. Bronwyn Wilson, we address the challenges that many neurodiverse couples experience because of communication differences. We discuss what it takes to create a win-win conversation and the ways in which many neurotypical/non-autistic partners use prompts to create connection with their partners. This process is called the "Prompt Dependency Cycle" and Bron talks about how this isn't always beneficial for either partner, or the relationship. In addition, we talk about why partners may take things personally and see some questions or certain types of comments as a criticism, when they are actually a way of connecting. We also discuss how having high expectations of each other may be having a negative impact on your relationship and why clarifying and understanding what you each need and want in the relationship is so beneficial. If you want to contact Bron, or order a copy of her book (Have They Gone Nuts? The Survival Guide to Social Interaction in Neurodiverse (Autistic-Neurotypical) Relationships, check out her website at: www.bronwilson.com. You can also buy her e-book on Amazon. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you are interested in learning more about the support groups that Mona offers for neurotypical/non-autistic partners or neurodiverse couples, please send her an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com. or visit her website at: www.neurodiverselove.com Follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love or click here to sign up for the Neurodiverse Love Newsletter. Also, if you are interested in buying a deck of the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards, the digital deck is now available for $11.  Click here to buy your deck today. Lastly, if you missed the Neurodiverse Love Conference you can still buy a ticket for $98 to listen to the 27 AMAZING  pre-recorded conference sessions. Click here to buy your ticket today.  Presentations will be available to watch until May 15, 2023 Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love Community!

During this episode, Mona and Nicole Knowlton discuss the importance of self-acceptance and self-love, for both partners and how our negative thoughts can impact our relationships. Understanding how different thoughts feel in our bodies and learning more about what we may need to work on and how we can have more healthy stress responses can be so healing and helpful. We also discuss the benefits of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and how it can help us focus on the positive and not believe everything we think. Remember... "the grass is greener where we water it"! Other topics addressed include: Intention-vs-Intent. The positive impact of asking "is this due to a difference?" Understanding and improving our stress responses. How would you or your partner know you are getting upset? Disengaging when activated. Are your expectations too high? What type of communicator are you? The benefit of being more authentic. When we accept ourselves, some relationships may change or end. The impact of breaking patterns and understanding unresolved wounds Accepting that some of our past reactions and coping skills may be related to "unknown" neurodiversity. The importance of not "shoulding" or "comparing". You can contact Nicole Knowlton at: NicoleMKnowlton@gmail.com or on Psychology Today. You can also follow her on Twitter or Instagram @aspietherapist __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you are interested in learning more about the support groups that Mona offers for neurotypical/non-autistic partners or neurodiverse couples, please send her an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com. or visit her website at: www.neurodiverselove.com Follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love or ⁠click here⁠ to sign up for the Neurodiverse Love Newsletter. Also, if you are interested in buying a deck of the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards, the digital deck is now available for $11.  ⁠Click here⁠ to buy your deck today. Lastly, if you missed the Neurodiverse Love Conference you can still buy a ticket for $98 to listen to the 27 AMAZING  pre-recorded conference sessions. ⁠Click here⁠ to buy your ticket today.  Presentations will be available to watch until May 15, 2023 Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love Community!

During this episode, Shawna and Kevin Meek talk about how different their marriage, and their lives, could have been if they had known Kevin was autistic 20+ years ago. Kevin received his autism diagnosis less then 6 months ago, at the age of 50. Since that time, he and Shawna have worked together to learn how they can thrive individually and as a neurodiverse couple, and they share how different their relationship may have been if they had known earlier that Kevin is autistic. They both share openly and with tremendous vulnerability to help other neurodiverse couples know they are not alone and that there is hope. More specifically they address the following topics: The differences since the autism diagnosis. Accepting the inconsistencies and knowing unmasking is welcome. Not knowing the "why" of so many things in your life when their is unknown autism. The damage caused before the autism diagnosis. Being unfaithful and going through the trauma of betrayal and the healing process. The fight to be normal and how this can lead to overwhelm. Not knowing if certain behaviors were intentional or not. How lying is a form of "self protection" and negatively impacted their relationship. What led to a formal diagnosis. When one partner sees the other as the "enemy". Not understanding the true definition of abuse and how covert abuse impacted their marriage. Being critical when the environment led to overstimulation. Mis-attunement to a partners needs. Acknowledging they are both on the same team. Setting boundaries for unacceptable behavior. Knowing there is hope! Some helpful tools include weekly check-ins, code words and using a white board to share ideas and information. Acknowledging brain reactions versus behavioral responses. Limiting "abstract" words in conversation. Having grace as each partner learns more about themselves and the ways to make the relationship thrive. The importance of "giving back" by helping others who are in recovery and/or in neurodiverse relationships. I am very thankful to Shawna and Kevin for sharing their story on the Neurodiverse Love podcast. Although "unknown neurodiversity" led to a lot of "unintentional" hurt, pain and trauma in their marriage, they are both on a path to live their best lives as individuals and as a couple and want to help others do the same. If you would like to contact Shawna or Kevin Meek you can send an email to: Shawna@livingstonescoaching.com or visit Shawna's website at: www.livingstonescoaching.com ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you are interested in learning more about the support groups that Mona offers for neurotypical/non-autistic partners or neurodiverse couples, please send her an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com. or visit her website at: www.neurodiverselove.com Follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love or click here to sign up for the Neurodiverse Love Newsletter. Also, if you are interested in buying a deck of the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards, the digital deck is now available for $11.  Click here to buy your deck today. Lastly, if you missed the Neurodiverse Love Conference you can still buy a ticket for $98 to listen to the 27 AMAZING  pre-recorded conference sessions. Click here to buy your ticket today.  Presentations will be available to watch until May 15, 2023 Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love Community!

During this episode, guest co-host Bronwyn Wilson shares more about her seminal research with neurodiverse couples. In addition, we provide an in-depth look at how alexythymia and having different emotional needs may be impacting your understanding of your partner. So many misunderstandings can occur when one or both partners don't understand what they are feeling, or the emotions they may be experiencing. This can be an ongoing challenge for neurodiverse couples, so during this episode we talk about the ways in which this can lead to "a collision of needs" and how beneficial it can be when both partners gain a better understanding of their needs and determine which emotional needs can be met in the relationship and which can't. This clarity can help reduce judgment, anger and conflict. If you and your partner experience challenges discussing emotional issues, or if you have difficulty communicating or understanding your emotions and feelings, this episode may provide some insight that can help both partners connect with more grace and compassion. If you want to contact Bron, or order a copy of her book, check out her website at: www.bronwilson.com. You can also buy her e-book on Amazon. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you are interested in learning more about the support groups that Mona offers for neurotypical/non-autistic partners or neurodiverse couples, please send her an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com. or visit her website at: www.neurodiverselove.com Follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love or click here to sign up for the Neurodiverse Love Newsletter. Also, if you are interested in buying a deck of the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards, the digital deck is now available for $11.  Click here to buy your deck today. Lastly, if you missed the Neurodiverse Love Conference you can still buy a ticket for $98 to listen to the 27 AMAZING  pre-recorded conference sessions. Click here to buy your ticket today.  Presentations will be available to watch until May 15, 2023 Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love Community!