Neurodiverse Love with Mona Kay

During this episode, Mona talks about some of the emotions and feelings both partners may experience when one or both discovers they are a neurodiverse couple. She shares the shame she felt when she was struggling with postpartum depression for 2 years and attempts to normalize the feeling of not wanting to disclose to others what you are experiencing for fear of how people will respond or judge you.  In addition, she discusses the way guilt and anger may be experienced by both partners. She also talks about how one or both partners may experience denial around neurodiversity.  Although this may create some challenges, understanding how you and your partner are each hard-wired, and what may or may not be able to change, can be so helpful.  Mona also talks about how important it is for both partners to understand their own wants, needs, values, non-negotiables and boundaries and be able to discuss these with each other.  Sometimes love isn't enough and no matter what decision you make about your relationship, it's important to understand that your relationship is not a "community or family project". You and your partner can think outside the box and create the type of relationship that works for both of you.  Some neurodiverse couples enjoy living apart and planning dates together, others may live in different parts of the same house and eat meals together, others may be in open relationships or polyamorous.  No matter what you are feeling, or what type of relationship you are in, it's important to remember that your priority should be doing what works for you and your partner and not what pleases others. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you are interested in learning more about the support groups that Mona offers for neurotypical/non-autistic partners or neurodiverse couples, please send her a DM on Instagram @neurodiverse_love, or an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmailcom Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love Community!

Dr. Bronwyn Wilson is an educator, researcher and author.  In her personal life she is married to an autistic man and in a neurodiverse family.  Increasing understanding of neurodiverse relationships is her passion, and she will be one of the three guest co-hosts joining Mona for Season 5 of the Neurodiverse Love podcast. During this episode, we talk about the fact that many people still think that autism only occurs in children.  There is still  SO much misunderstanding regarding autistic adults.  We also talk about the stereotypes in film and  tv and how we need to do a better job of educating the world about neurodiversity and the strengths, differences and challenges of neurological differences.   Other topics addressed Include: The Lost Generation. How both partners in an neurodiverse relationship often "wish" they knew earlier about their neurological differences. The importance of accepting that you can't relive the past. Communication differences and understanding what you each need when you're in distress. How scripts can create challenges and misunderstandings. Everyone has needs they want to be met and learning how both partner get their needs met. Bron's research included survey's and conversations with 400 people throughout the world. Her next book is focused on educating counselors, therapists, family and friends. Cognitive differences that may be hard wired and how to understand each other's wiring Theory of mind difference and mindblindness. You can buy Bron's book: "Have They Gone Nuts? The Survival Guide to Social Interaction in Neurodiverse (Autistic-Neurotypical) Relationships" or contact her at: www.bronwilson.com  _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you are interested in learning more about the support groups that Mona offers for neurotypical/non-autistic partners or neurodiverse couples, please send her a DM on Instagram @neurodiverse_love, or an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmailcom Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love Community!

Liz  McClanahan is a therapist who is in a neurodiverse marriage and family.  During this episode, she talks about the expectations she had and the work she did after her and her husband divorced and then remarried (before they knew they were a neurodiverse couple).  She also shares how her husband's autism diagnosis changed "everything" in their relationship and family.  For the first time in his life her husband was able to unmask and together they created a "safe space" where they could both be their authentic selves. Other topics addressed are: Viewing your family of origin through a neurodiverse lens. The importance of differentiation and not taking on each other's emotions. Understanding how to create smoother transitions in communication and activities. Understanding PDA and reframing it as  "pressure and resistance". Trauma from having to mask. Reducing overwhelm by changing expectations.  Understanding what you each need and communicating that to your partner. Safety=routine and sameness. Reading your partner's energy. The value of "soft start-ups" and listening to understand. Liz asked her family what messages they would give to neurodiverse couples or families and she shares each of those at the end of the podcast. You can contact Liz at: https://www.neurodiversecouplescounseling.com/liz-mcclanahan ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ If you are interested in learning more about the support groups that Mona offers for neurotypical/non-autistic partners or neurodiverse couples, please send her a DM on Instagram @neurodiverse_love, or an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmailcom Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love Community!

Nicole Knowlton is a Marriage and Family Therapist who also has a  law degree.  During this episode. she talks about her work as a therapist and her own personal neurodiversity journey.  During Season 5, Nicole will be joining Mona as one of her "guest co-hosts"  on the podcast, so if you have any topics you would like Mona and Nicole to address in a future, please feel free to send an e-mail to: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Other topics addressed are: What is "nesting" and how might it be helpful for children of separated or divorced parents?  Slow processing and how it can effect communication. Masking at the beginning of a relationship. Our internal narratives.  Core beliefs and stories we tell ourselves about failure and shame. Reprocessing life after diagnosis and self healing. The importance of remembering that "We are all doing the best we can and we need to have grace with the past". Misdiagnosis in adults. Boundaries and communication styles. Take "people" out of the problem while working to find a solution. Pursuer-withdrawer and other attachment styles.   Avoidant attachment style may be because parents did not know how to meet an autistic/neurodivergent child's needs. The importance of emotional safety in your relationship. Trauma can sometimes hide autism. Nicole does coaching, therapy and assessments.  You can find her on Psychology Today or on Twitter @aspietherapist _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you are interested in learning more about the support groups that Mona offers for neurotypical/non-autistic partners or neurodiverse couples, please send her a DM on Instagram @neurodiverse_love, or an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmailcom Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love Community!

During this episode, Mona goes solo to talk about some of the confusing emotions both partner's may feel after learning they are in a Neurodiverse Love relationship.  In the discovery phase, each partner may feel some hope that they will move forward with more understanding for themselves, their partner and their relationship.  However, many times, after feeling hopeful, one or both partners may begin to feel grief.  The grief will probably look different for each partner, however it's important to acknowledge that it is real .  Mona talks about the 7 steps of grieving and how each may look and feel for each partner.  In addition, Mona talks about the importance of forgiveness of yourself and your partner, as you both work to understand more about the "unintentional" hurt you may have caused yourself and each other, before you knew how differently your brains are wired   Mona also shares how accepting that the dreams you had for your relationship, before you understood you were a neurodiverse couple, may no longer be applicable, and how important it is to accept yourself, your partner and the relationship that will be created as you move forward on a new path.  Lastly, Mona shares a little bit about what peace looks like when you are in a neurodiverse relationship.  Life may still be filled with lots of feelings, emotions and challenges, however both partners will have found different tools, techniques and strategies to work through the challenges that may come up.  Understanding and accepting the strengths, differences and challenges that are present and having more effective ways to address and acknowledge each of these can be a game changer!  Whether you continue working together in your relationship, or you choose to end your relationship, this episode will provide some important validation about the feelings both partners may be experiencing. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you are interested in learning more about the support groups that Mona offers for neurotypical/non-autistic partners or neurodiverse couples, please send her a DM on Instagram @neurodiverse_love, or an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmailcom.   You can also go to: www.neurodiverselove.com to learn more about the resources available for neurodiverse couples. Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love Community!

The Neurodiverse Love Conference will be held on February 14th & 15th, 2023.  Buy your ticket before February 11th at midnight EST, to get a 50% discount on your ticket.  Click here to learn more about the 27 conference presentations and to buy your ticket today!  All the sessions are pre-recorded, so if you are not able to join us live you will have up to 3 months to listen to all the fabulous presentations. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Lorna Hecker is a therapist, coach and Professor Emerita at Purdue University Northwestern.  While at Purdue she directed the Couple and Family Center for 25 years.  She is also the author of the newly released book: Different Planets: Understanding Your Neurodiverse Relationship. During this episode, we talk about the "couple patterns" that can occur in neurodiverse relationships.  We specifically discuss the "pursuer-distancer" pattern that can create challenges when partners don't understand that complaining and criticism can lead to shutdown and/or a sense of failure.  Lorna also addresses the importance and value of "kind bluntness", rather than "assuming".  She also shares a little about some of the communication differences she has experienced in her neurodiverse family.  In addition, some of the other topics addressed during this episode are: The importance of appreciation and admiration and why your partner needs it. The challenges that can occur in a high needs household Don't blame or scapegoat your relationship. The impact of a sensitive nervous system How a "wall of awful" gets built. Don't assume your partner knows something that comes naturally to you! Fill your own bucket to get some of your needs met. Being attracted to reliability. How burnout may look different for each partner. Increase understanding of why masking may be happening. We all have different brain styles. Small talk as a stepping stone to get to know someone. Learn how to not take things personally. Power issues in a ND relationship. What is alexythymia and how it may be impacting your relationship. Lorna is available for therapy, coaching and psychoeducation.  You can reach her at: www.neurodiversewellness.com _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you are interested in learning more about the support groups that Mona offers for neurotypical/non-autistic partners or neurodiverse couples, please send her a DM on Instagram @neurodiverse_love, or an email at: neurodiverselove4u@gmailcom Thanks for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love Community!

I want to thank everyone in the Neurodiversity Love community who has been listening to the podcast. I also want to thank my previous co-hosts (Olga & Manecia), and all the guests who have been a part of this journey. We have listeners in more then 60 countries and have had about 70,000 plays of the podcast. In addition, since 2020, we’ve published more then 120 episodes. For Season 5, I will be recording 4-6 episodes with each of my new co-hosts: Greg Fuqua, Bronwyn Wilson and Nicole Knowlton. I hope that all of you will continue to learn new information that can help increase understanding in your neurodiverse relationships. Lastly, if you haven’t registered for the Neurodiverse Love Conference that will be held on 2/14 & 2/15, please go to: www.neurodiverselove.com to get a 50% discount on your ticket. All the presentations have been prerecorded, so If you can’t join us live don’t worry. Everyone who purchases a ticket will have access to all the conference sessions for up to 3 months. Thank you again for your support of the podcast!

If you have already bought your ticket, OR you buy your ticket to the Neurodiverse Love Conference before 1/17/23 at Midnight (EST), you will be able to participate in a FREE live Zoom workshop on 2/21/23 at 7pm EST with the original co-hosts of the Neurodiverse Love podcast (Mona, Olga and Manecia). We will answer your questions and provide everyone with an update on where we are in our lives and the lessons we have learned since we started the podcast. We look forward to talking with all of you on 2/21/23💗. Tickets can be purchased at: www.neurodiverselove.com

 Tickets for the Neurodiverse Love Virtual Conference are available!!! The conference will be held on February 14th and 15th, 2023 from 11am-7pm EST.   If you'd like to access the link for a 50% discount on the ticket price, or learn more about the presenters, please visit www.neurodiverselove.com. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Amanda Platner is the Director of Adult Programs at the Emory Autism Center.  She is also a clinical psychologist and another AANE certified therapist.  During this episode, we  talk about the journey autistic individuals may travel as they move forward on being their "authentic selves".  We address the conversations that might have never happened, and those that may take place in relationships with professional colleagues, family members and in intimate or romantic relationships.  Amanda shares that many of the individuals she works with have moments of revelation and excitement as they receive their autism diagnosis, or begin to self-identify as autistic.  However, what follows next may include changes that not everyone is prepared for, or knows how to address.  One of the important questions to ask may be "who are the people in my life who are going to be impacted when I am my authentic self?"  As many autistic individuals may not be aware that they have been masking throughout their life, communicating their wants, needs, non-negotiables and boundaries, with compassion and respect may help things move smoother on the journey forward. Amanda also talks about how the neurotypical partner may feel left behind when their autistic partner moves forward on living authentically.  She addresses some of the ways in which both partners can work together to maintain and/or create a healthy relationship, both individually and as a couple.  Creating and/or maintaining important rituals may be a helpful process. While also understanding that both partners may experience some grief and mourning for the relationship they thought they would have with themselves and their partner. As the relationship moves forward, it is important to remember that some of the core challenges may involve communication difficulties and understanding emotions.   Lastly, we talk about the importance of creating balance in life and in romantic relationships.  More specifically we address the value of creating and agreeing on boundaries that can help create balance regarding intense interests.   Whether you are the autistic partner or the neurotypical/non-autistic partner in your relationship, understanding what each of you need to thrive in life and in your romantic relationship will help both partners live an authentic life.  Sometimes that life includes maintaining your current relationship and sometimes a change is needed.  No matter what path each of us choose, we all deserve to be in relationships where we can thrive. You can contact Amanda at: amanda.k.platner@emory.edu or call: 404-727-8350   ________________ If you are interested in becoming an AANE certified therapist or coach, or you would like to register for the "Neurology Matters" training available through AANE for couples or individuals in neurodiverse relationships, you can register at: aane.thinkific.com.  Please use the code NeurodiverseLove25 to get 25% off the registration fee.  To learn more about AANE, or to find an AANE certified therapist or coach in your area, please click here and look at the map halfway down the page. ____________ If you liked this episode, please subscribe to the podcast, so you don't miss an episode.   

The Neurodiverse Love Virtual Conference will be held on February 14th and 15th, 2023 and tickets go on sale on 1/2/23. If you are interested in learning more about the conference presenters, please visit www.neurodiverselove.com.  If you want to get access to more information about the conference, please sign up for the Neurodiverse Love newsletter . ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Janelle Homan has been doing therapy with families and couples in Brisbane, Australia for many years.  She is also an AANE certified therapist and shares lots of valuable information during this episode.  Janelle has viewed family therapy as a 3 part process: psychoeducation; acceptance and realignment of expectations and understanding uniqueness; and as an opportunity to be more effective and work as a team.  She also uses system theory to help guide her work  and looks at ways to create a better emotional climate so that all family members can improve performance.  Some of the other topics discussed include: Understanding the relational experience and the patterns. How the process becomes the problem, not the partner. Embracing neuro-minorities We need a "curiosity" to understand difference. Attachment theory. Capacity for emotional experiencing and expression. Calming our nervous system and understanding our own triggers. The importance of problem solving in a calm state. Understanding coping styles that might create a reactive cycle. Both partners have different capacities and need to be willing to do the work. Understanding that emotion trumps logic and how to give empathy. The value of play and fun in therapy. Externalizing the problems. Secondary trauma and neurodiversity. Communication roundabout. You can contact Janelle at: www.janellehoman.com ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you are interested in becoming an AANE certified therapist, or coach, or would like to register for the "Neurology Matters' training available through AANE, for couples or individuals in neurodiverse relationships, you can register at: aane.thinkific.com.  Please use the code NeurodiverseLove25 to get 25% off  the registration fee.  To learn more about AANE, or to find an AANE certified therapist or coach in your area, please click here and look at the map halfway down the page. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ If you liked this episode, please subscribe to the podcast, so you don't miss an episode. For more information about the support groups available for "neurodiverse couples" or the "neurotypical/non-autistic partners" please check out: www.neurodiverselove.com or follow Mona on Instagram @neurodiverse_love You can also contact Mona at: neurodiverselove4u@gmail.com Thank you for being a part of the Neurodiverse Love community!