The Virtual Couch

Marla Christensen, AMFT, APCC, and Tony Overbay, LMFT, delve into Ethan Kross's "Shift: Managing Your Emotions So They Don't Manage You" for another installment of the "Virtual Couch Book Club." They explore emotional awareness, sensory shifts, and cultural influences on emotional well-being. Practical techniques, such as distant self-talk and the Whoop framework (Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, Plan), are covered, offering listeners actionable strategies for emotional management. Tony opens the episode by explaining how common parental phrases, such as "it's not a big deal" or "just don't worry about it," can unintentionally hinder emotional expression in adulthood, setting the stage for struggles with managing emotions later in life. This discussion offers valuable insights for individuals seeking to understand better and manage their emotions.00:00 A Touching Parenting Moment02:22 Introduction to the Virtual Couch02:31 Book Club: Managing Emotions03:16 The Importance of Emotional Awareness03:37 Understanding Emotional Language04:44 The Disconnect from Emotions06:01 Introducing Dr. Ethan Cross's 'Shift'06:23 Meet Marla Christiansen07:33 Exploring Emotional Concepts from 'Shift'07:46 The Complexity of Emotions08:05 Practical Tools for Emotional Management08:20 The Power of Distanced Self-Talk08:37 External Influences on Emotions09:02 Body Awareness and Emotions09:12 Navigating Difficult Emotions09:24 Impact of Social Media and Cultural Factors09:37 Appreciating Emotions as Information10:18 Book Club Discussion: 'Shift' by Dr. Ethan Cross10:30 Starting the Interview with Marla Christensen11:24 Diving into Emotional Regulation11:43 Book Club Insights and Personal Reflections22:58 The Law of Least Work25:01 Exploring Low-Cost Emotional Shifts25:40 Understanding Attention and Perspective26:10 Navigating Emotional Avoidance and Approach27:27 The Power of Reframing29:29 Distanced Self-Talk: A Unique Approach31:07 Shifting Emotions Through Environment33:44 The Role of Relationships in Emotional Shifts37:24 Cultural Influences on Emotions39:37 The Impact of Comparison42:37 Practical Tools for Emotional Mastery44:06 Final Thoughts and Resources

What if the very strategies that saved you as a child are now sabotaging your adult relationships?In Part 2 of Tony's series on emotional immaturity, discover why your most persistent relationship struggles aren't character flaws—they're outdated survival software still running in the background of your life.Through the powerful ACT metaphor of "The Man in the Hole," you'll understand why working harder with familiar emotional tools only digs you deeper into relationship problems. When someone offers you a ladder out of your patterns, why do you keep trying to dig with it instead? This episode reveals how to recognize when it's time to put down the shovel of old coping strategies and climb toward something completely different.Meet the clients who've made this transformation: the chronic fixer who learned to ask "what do you need from me?" instead of immediately solving, the humor-deflector who shocked a room into silence by sharing something real, and the lifelong people-pleaser whose hands shook as she said "no" for the first time—and discovered her marriage actually got stronger.You'll explore Terry Real's revolutionary insight that childhood adaptations become adult roadblocks, learn the art of re-parenting yourself with compassion instead of criticism, and discover why emotional maturity isn't about never falling into old patterns—it's about recognizing when you're there and having new tools to respond.Whether you struggle with hypervigilance, perfectionism, control issues, or people-pleasing tendencies, this episode offers a shame-free framework for honoring your inner child's brilliant survival strategies while empowering your adult self to take the lead. Because growth isn't about eliminating your protective parts—it's about expanding your repertoire of responses and choosing consciously instead of reacting automatically.Ready to stop digging and start climbing? Your ladder awaits.00:00 Introduction and Recap01:23 The Story of Tyler03:53 Tyler's Realization and Therapy09:39 Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Metaphor15:46 Revisiting Emotional Immaturity19:30 Reparenting Yourself25:05 Examples of Reparenting in Action29:00 Exploring Emotional Immaturity Traits40:54 Recognizing and Validating Emotions42:47 Dependence on External Validation48:54 Taking Ownership and Accountability51:49 Mind Reading and Communication01:03:55 Hypervigilance and Emotional Containment01:07:12 Perfectionism and Control01:11:49 Integration and Emotional Maturity01:15:57 Real-Life Examples of Emotional Growth01:22:05 The Journey of Emotional Maturity

Have you ever watched someone you care about repeatedly return to a relationship that's clearly hurting them, despite all logic and reason? Or found yourself unable to break free from a partner who alternates between cruel indifference and intoxicating affection? Tony Overbay, LMFT, comprehensively examines all of the factors at play in hopes of shining a light on understanding and ultimately healing from one of psychology's most misunderstood phenomena: trauma bonding.Tony explains how the same mechanisms that kept B.F. Skinner's rats frantically pressing a lever for unpredictable rewards are at work in toxic relationships. He explains the biological "amygdala hijack" that literally shuts down one's ability to think rationally when anxiety strikes and why well-meaning advice like "just don't worry about it" actually makes things worse through psychological reactance.This comprehensive episode covers:The neurological science behind trauma bonding and why it creates addiction-like withdrawal symptomsHow childhood experiences shape our relationship with emotions and set us up for unhealthy patternsWhy telling someone "don't think about it" guarantees they'll think about it moreThe critical difference between guilt ("I did something bad") and shame ("I am bad")Practical ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) techniques like expansion and mindfulnessThe powerful Buddhist salt and water metaphor for managing emotional painWhy no one—not even identical twins—experiences the world exactly as you doHow to break the cycle of seeking external validation that keeps you trappedWhether you're personally experiencing a trauma bond, supporting someone who is, or simply want to understand why people stay in painful relationships, this episode provides compassionate insight and practical tools for healing. Tony's conversational style makes complex psychological concepts accessible while offering hope that with time, understanding, and the right support, you can reclaim your emotional autonomy and build healthier connections.00:00 Introduction: The Impact of 'Say Anything'01:21 Setting the Stage: Understanding Relationship Dynamics01:50 Who This Episode is For03:10 Introduction to Trauma Bonding04:03 Welcome to the Virtual Couch04:35 Engage with Us: Social Media and Upcoming Events07:04 The Concept of Trauma Bonding16:51 The Science Behind Trauma Bonding21:25 Understanding the Amygdala Hijack21:49 The Impact of Stress Hormones on the Brain23:03 The Cycle of Trauma Bonding24:21 The Ineffectiveness of Well-Meaning Advice24:59 Psychological Reactance and the White Bear Effect26:24 Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)28:18 The Concept of Expansion30:05 Mindfulness and Changing Your Relationship with Thoughts32:27 Guilt vs. Shame34:11 Healing from Trauma Bonds36:45 The Importance of Self-Validation43:43 Seeking Support and Practicing Mindfulness

Do you avoid difficult conversations, hoping problems will magically disappear? Do you convince yourself you don’t need to write things down, because of course you’ll remember later? Or maybe you catch yourself trying to be everything to everyone… and slowly losing yourself in the process?Join Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Tony Overbay and his daughter Mackie, a licensed esthetician, and cosmetologist, and host of the podcast “The Mind, the Mirror, and Me,” for a lively and insightful live Q&A. Together, they explore the sneaky ways magical thinking and emotional immaturity show up in our lives and relationships. From assuming people should “just know” what we want, to struggling with overthinking and honesty in relationships, this conversation dives deep (with plenty of humor and personal stories along the way).You’ll also hear about:What “pick me” behavior really means and how it impacts relationshipsHow magical thinking keeps us stuck (and how to move forward)Navigating diagnoses like borderline personality disorder and emotional immaturityWhy honesty in relationships isn’t as simple as “just say it”Handling complicated family dynamics — including emotionally absent grandparentsTools like mindfulness and ACT-based techniques to help you change your relationship with your thoughtsWhether you're a therapist, a parent, or simply curious about emotional growth, this honest and relatable episode will leave you thinking differently about how you show up for yourself and others.00:00 Introduction and Technical Difficulties00:19 Foot Talk and Live Stream Banter01:11 Licensed Therapist Q&A Begins01:21 Understanding Narcissistic Traits02:06 Exploring the 'Pick Me' Phenomenon03:20 Therapy Insights: Finding Your True Self05:40 Addressing Borderline Personality Disorder14:05 Magical Thinking and Emotional Immaturity26:08 Mindfulness and Thought Observation Techniques27:02 The Concept of Changing Relationship with Thoughts27:32 Discussion on Honesty in Relationships31:16 Handling Family Dynamics and Expectations33:54 Understanding Bipolar Disorder vs. Anger Issues37:43 The Role of Thoughts, Behaviors, and Feelings46:03 Freudian Theories and Emotional Maturity50:39 Final Thoughts and Viewer Questions

Ever wondered why your brilliant mind can solve complex problems at work but completely breaks down during relationship conflicts? That's because those emotional reactions that feel so instinctive aren't flaws—they're actually genius survival strategies that once kept you safe. In this transformative episode, we explore how black-and-white thinking, mind-reading expectations, and external validation seeking were perfect childhood adaptations that have now become relationship roadblocks. Through the groundbreaking insight that behaviors which perfectly served us in childhood often become the very patterns that sabotage our adult relationships, you'll finally understand why you keep falling into familiar emotional patterns despite your best intentions.This isn't just another episode about relationship struggles—it's a compassionate roadmap for emotional growth that honors both your wounded inner child and your emerging adult self. You'll discover how to recognize when you're in an emotional "hole" and why continuing to dig with familiar tools only takes you deeper. Most importantly, you'll learn how to pass the baton from your protective inner child to your capable adult self without shame or judgment. Whether you struggle with people-pleasing, emotional flooding, perfectionism, or control issues, this episode offers a strength-based approach to transform these patterns into mature responses that will revolutionize your relationships and bring a profound sense of internal peace.00:00 Introduction and Episode Overview00:23 Listener Email: Mark's Story01:41 Understanding Emotional Immaturity04:47 Exploring the Emotional Maturity Spectrum08:47 Introducing the Emotional Architects Group09:29 Narcissistic Personality Disorder vs. Emotional Immaturity11:08 Dinner with Daniel: A Narcissistic Narrative15:47 Stages of Emotional Maturity26:18 Childhood Behaviors in Adult Bodies32:45 Understanding Emotional Blueprints33:07 Re-parenting with Compassion33:32 Therapeutic Insights from Fiction34:23 Frozen Moments and Adult Relationships35:16 Childhood Adaptations in Adult Life36:17 Exploring Childlike Behaviors in Adults36:57 Navigating Emotional Development41:34 Black or White Thinking44:43 Magical Thinking in Relationships47:46 Emotional Reasoning and Codependency52:32 External Validation and Accountability55:41 Mind Reading and Projection01:01:32 Pattern Recognition and Familiarity01:07:12 Path Toward Emotional Maturity01:07:52 Conclusion and Next Steps

Have you ever found yourself wondering, How can someone possibly believe that? Or maybe you've questioned your own beliefs after bumping up against someone else's certainty? You're not alone.In this episode, Tony Overbay, LMFT, dives into the complexities of perception, truth, and emotional maturity. He explores how individuals often encounter differing viewpoints—especially in today’s social media-driven world—and how those experiences can lead to frustration, confusion, and even self-doubt.Using concepts like Umwelt and the importance of distinguishing between objective facts and subjective experiences, Tony offers insight into how each person’s unique background and personal history shape the way they see and move through the world.Through personal stories and reflections, he emphasizes the power of curiosity, empathy, and openness in building real, meaningful connections. Tony also shares parts of his own professional and spiritual journey, including the impact of his faith crisis, and how discomfort can often become a catalyst for deep personal growth.He reflects on the therapist-client relationship, unpacking the balance between professional boundaries and genuine emotional connection. And as always, Tony encourages listeners to embrace curiosity, hold healthy boundaries, and continue showing up as their most authentic selves.00:00 Introduction: The Frustration of Misunderstanding02:11 Exploring the Concept of 'Truth'03:08 Host Introduction and Social Media Presence04:21 Personal Story: Spinal Surgery Experience05:26 Diving into the Topic of 'Truth' and Perception07:15 The German Concept of Umwelt12:22 Faith Journeys and Personal Perceptions14:41 Emotional Maturity and Sense of Self27:53 Job Interviews and Authenticity32:13 Case Study: Spiritual Expectations35:42 Thriving Without Sleep35:52 The Faith Crisis Hits35:59 Understanding the Pendulum Swing36:15 Unique Faith Journeys37:06 Embracing Personal Growth37:25 The Beauty of Diverse Faith Outcomes37:48 Navigating Faith Deconstruction38:42 The Reframe: Moving Forward38:53 Faith in Yourself and God39:06 Riding Without Training Wheels39:31 Respecting Different Journeys40:04 The Hero's Journey40:21 Helping Others Through Faith Crisis40:56 Developing a Strong Sense of Self41:29 Working with Faith Leaders42:03 Emotional Immaturity in Faith Communities42:41 The Power of Parables43:14 Unspoken Pressures in Religious Settings43:44 The Hypothetical Couple: Jack and Jill45:59 Humanistic Therapy Principles47:46 Intermittent Reinforcement and Trauma Bonding48:58 The Four Pillars of a Connected Conversation50:57 Separating Observations from Judgments56:25 The Therapist's Emotional Journey58:06 The Paradox of Therapy01:02:11 Navigating Discomfort in Relationships01:04:20 Concluding Thoughts and Encouragement

Tony, a licensed marriage and family therapist, author, speaker, and podcast host, welcomes viewers to an engaging TikTok Live session. Joined by his daughter Mackie, Tony answers questions on various topics including relationships, mental health, and narcissism. They discuss the concept of the shadow self, the 'Let Them' theory, handling emotional triggers, and the importance of differentiation in relationships. Tony offers advice on dealing with controlling siblings, building clientele as a therapist, managing ADHD and its effects, and overcoming trust issues in relationships. They also touch on practical self-care tips and the journey of personal growth, using real-life examples and interactive discussions with their audience.00:00 Welcome to TikTok Live00:10 Introducing the Hosts00:16 Engaging with Viewers02:12 Discussing the Shadow Self04:55 Exploring Family Dynamics05:51 Romantic Relationships and Vulnerability06:35 Understanding Emotional Reactions08:07 Differentiation and Parental Influence09:59 Setting Boundaries with Parents10:47 The 'Let Them' Theory15:20 Dealing with Emotional Regression17:29 Navigating Breakups and Grief20:43 Control and Mental Health22:16 Book Recommendations for Couples24:09 Making Small Changes for Big Impact29:56 Managing Depression and Anxiety31:43 Understanding and Accepting Anxiety32:28 Facing Fears and Building Connections33:43 Navigating Negative Environments38:22 Inner Critic and Self-Acceptance42:00 Challenges in Therapy and Relationships01:01:59 Dealing with ADHD and Rejection Sensitivity01:05:20 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

When Ashlee Boyson answered her door at age 28 to find detectives bearing unimaginable news—her husband murdered, an affair revealed—she became a widow with five children, including a six-week-old baby. In this powerful episode of the Virtual Couch, Tony Overbay, LMFT,  explores how this defining moment led Ashlee to become not just a survivor but a guide for others navigating grief's complex terrain. Her groundbreaking book "One Day: A Child's Journey Through Grief and Loss," illustrated by her daughter Bostyn, takes a revolutionary approach by deliberately omitting facial expressions and colors—creating space for authentic emotions rather than prescribing how one "should" feel when grieving.Beyond the book, Tony and Ashlee dive into the messy truth of grief—how contradictory emotions can coexist, why well-intentioned comfort often invalidates emotional reality, and practical strategies for creating genuine healing. With moments of unexpected laughter amidst profound wisdom, they explore how Ashlee's journey led her to develop courses on infidelity and widowhood, practice foot zoning, and, most importantly, help parents understand that there's no "right way" to grieve. Whether you're personally experiencing loss or supporting someone who is, this conversation offers a masterclass in compassionate presence and emotional intelligence that transcends age, making it essential listening for anyone seeking to process grief authentically.00:00 Introduction and Announcements01:35 Introducing Ashley Boyson02:10 Ashley's Incredible Story03:27 Ashley's Journey Through Grief03:54 Discussing Ashley's New Book12:04 The Healing Power of Foot Zoning17:40 The Importance of Emotional Awareness26:35 Addressing Children's Emotional Pain27:06 Recognizing and Validating Emotions27:45 Personal Experiences with Suppressed Emotions28:52 Navigating Grief and Loss30:33 Complex Emotions and Healing31:30 The Importance of Open Communication32:25 Balancing Past and Future Fears34:11 Encouraging Emotional Expression in Children35:51 Handling Grief Triggers43:45 The Role of Truth in Healing46:21 Final Thoughts and Resources

What happens when two first responders fall in love, face career, life, and faith crises, and embark on a radical journey of healing? How do couples navigate from survival mode to genuine connection after years of chaos and trauma?Tony welcomes Steph and Craig Salazar, the authentic couple behind the popular podcast "The Steph and Craig Show." What begins as a reunion of newfound friends quickly transforms into a profound exploration of relationship transformation, personal growth, and the messy beauty of healing together.Steph and Craig share their remarkable journey from meeting as a police officer and dispatcher to becoming relationship content creators who are changing lives through radical vulnerability. They don't hold back as they discuss the chaos of their early relationship—blending families, career crises, mental health struggles, and the imbalanced dynamics that nearly tore them apart.Listen as they reveal the pivotal moments that shifted their path: Craig's life-changing men's retreat that Steph secretly feared might end their relationship, Steph's breaking point in her dispatch career and her courageous pivot to follow her dreams, and how they both found healing through therapy, spiritual practices, and even psychedelic-assisted healing experiences.This conversation isn't about relationship experts who have it all figured out. It's about two people who've "taken the scenic route" through life's challenges, hitting every obstacle along the way, and discovering that true connection happens when we heal individually first.Whether you're facing relationship challenges, navigating career transitions, or doing your own healing work, this episode offers profound insights wrapped in genuine, heartfelt conversation. Steph and Craig's mission to create a mirror where others might see themselves and feel less alone in their struggles shines through every moment of this unforgettable discussion.Join Tony, Steph, and Craig for a conversation that proves we're all healing together—one vulnerable step at a time. The Steph and Craig Show is available at https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-steph-craig-show/id1742462702 or wherever you listen to podcasts, as well as on YouTube. You can find the episode that Tony references on their show at https://youtu.be/n_LiTO_nt5w?si=GAmnZF3rFdh7QPFH 00:00 Introduction and Welcome01:07 Special Guests: Steph and Craig01:49 The Transformative Podcast Episode02:22 Authenticity and Vulnerability03:35 The Journey of Steph and Craig04:03 Career Transitions and Challenges04:39 The Scenic Route to Healing07:30 Magic and Connection10:04 Meeting and Early Relationship12:02 Navigating Careers and Personal Growth22:28 Curiosity About Life Changes23:32 Spiritual Awakening and Energy Healing24:28 Journey with DreamPod and Financial Stability25:44 Stephanie's Career Shift and Personal Growth28:49 Balancing Masculine and Feminine Energies33:19 Men's Retreat and Emotional Connection44:12 Therapy and Healing Together48:45 Current Focus and Future Plans**Show Notes:**- How Steph and Craig met in law enforcement and blended their families- The career crisis that sent Craig into depression and changed their trajectory- Why Steph thought sending Craig to a men's retreat might mean the end of their relationship- Their journey through energy healing, spiritual awakening, and finding authentic connection- How individual healing created the foundation for relationship transformation- The role of therapy, MDMA-assisted healing, and psychedelics in their growth- Their transition from couples coaching to content creation focused on vulnerability- Tony's reflections on masculine/feminine energy and the burdens in relationships**Keywords:** relationship transformation, healing, vulnerability, law enforcement trauma, men's work, couples therapy, psychedelic healing, content creation, authentic connection

Every couple starts their marriage journey with hearts full of hope and eyes bright with optimism. But what happens when the fairy tale meets reality? In this compelling episode of the Virtual Couch, marriage therapist Tony Overbay takes listeners on an intimate journey through the evolution of marriage, sparked by his observation of a young newlywed couple, Hannah and Cody, during a recent podcast interview.Drawing from over 20 years of experience as a marriage therapist, Tony bridges the gap between those magical early days and the complex reality that many couples face years into their marriage. He addresses the common refrain of "just wait until..." that many newlyweds hear, while offering hope and practical tools for couples at all stages of their relationship.Key insights include:- The power of intentional curiosity in long-term relationships- Why emotional maturity matters more than initial chemistry- The critical balance between self-care and partner care- How to maintain individual growth while nurturing your relationship- The four pillars of connected conversation that can transform your communicationTony shares vulnerable moments from his own 34-year marriage journey, demonstrating how the principles he teaches aren't just theoretical—they're battle-tested. He tackles the delicate balance between maintaining individual identity and building a strong partnership, offering practical insights for both newlyweds and seasoned couples.Whether you're basking in newlywed bliss like Hannah and Cody or navigating the complexities of a decades-long partnership, this episode provides a roadmap for understanding how to evolve together while maintaining the spark that brought you together in the first place. Tony's unique perspective helps couples understand that while change is inevitable in marriage, it doesn't have to mean growing apart—it can mean growing together in new and deeper ways.This episode is essential listening for:- Newlywed couples wanting to build a strong foundation- Long-term couples seeking to reconnect or deepen their bond- Anyone curious about the real journey from romantic love to lasting partnership- Couples wanting practical tools for better communication and understandingJoin Tony as he unpacks these insights and more, offering both hope and practical strategies for couples at any stage of their marriage journey.Follow the Q&A Files Podcast on Spotify https://open.spotify.com/show/1k2Oh4rY9VCp1tVeu14dxk?si=a39537613900475b Apple Podcasts https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-q-a-files/id1730736061 or wherever you listen to podcasts. 00:00 Introduction and Podcast Overview01:52 Reflecting on Marriage and Personal Experiences03:42 The Importance of Communication in Relationships05:42 Premarital and Newlywed Counseling Insights06:59 Four Pillars of a Connected Conversation11:15 Navigating Discomfort and Growth in Relationships19:52 Intentionality and Integrity in Commitments23:22 Embracing Change and Curiosity in Marriage25:49 Expressing Authenticity26:00 Navigating Online Dating28:01 The Game of Emotional Immaturity28:44 The Challenge of Authenticity in Dating30:07 Saying 'I Love You'32:38 Psychological Flexibility in Relationships39:06 The Importance of Self-Care42:56 Boundaries and Pathological Kindness45:07 Choosing Love Daily46:53 Conclusion and Future Topics