The Virtual Couch

Ever wonder why your partner's innocent behavior feels like a personal attack? What if the stories you're telling yourself about their intentions say more about you than about them?In this eye-opening episode, therapist Tony Overbay, LMFT, explores projection—the unconscious habit of attributing our own thoughts, feelings, and motivations to others. Through real stories from his practice, including a couple's argument over a bag of garbage and a wife accused of infidelity she never considered, Tony reveals how we're all swimming in "water" we don't even know exists.Discover why the things that trigger you most intensely often reflect your own unresolved struggles, learn the psychology behind "the lady doth protest too much," and understand how projection creates conflict in even the healthiest relationships. Tony shares practical tools for recognizing when you're projecting, explains the neuroscience behind why our brains do this, and offers actionable steps for breaking free from automatic interpretations that damage connection.What you'll learn:The difference between observation and judgment (and why it matters).How to recognize when you're projecting your own experience onto your partner.Why intense reactions are usually about you, not them.The connection between childhood survival strategies and adult projection.David Foster Wallace's "This Is Water" and what it teaches us about awareness. (You can read the full transcript here https://fs.blog/david-foster-wallace-this-is-water/)Real examples of projection in everyday relationships and public life.Three key takeaways you can use immediately to transform your communication.If you've ever thought "they should have known that would hurt me" or "they obviously did that on purpose," this episode will fundamentally change how you see yourself, your partner, and your conflicts. Because once you see the water you're swimming in, you can't unsee it—and that's where real growth begins.Perfect for: individuals in a relationship, those struggling with recurring conflicts, those interested in emotional maturity and self-awareness, and anyone seeking to understand the psychology behind their strongest reactions.00:00 Introduction and Overview00:44 Understanding Projection01:36 Story Time: Real-Life Examples of Projection06:06 Defining Projection07:34 Historical Context and Theories of Projection08:46 Modern Psychology and Projection09:04 Integrating the Shadow25:29 Projection in Everyday Life30:48 Uncovering Hidden Struggles31:49 The Defense Mechanism of Projection34:18 Therapeutic Breakthroughs37:34 Practical Examples of Projection41:11 Understanding Our Default Settings47:07 The Power of Curiosity and Compassion52:59 Final Thoughts on ProjectionContact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group.And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouchAvailable NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-courseYou can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com

What happens when the person who usually has the answers finds himself sitting in the unknown? In this deeply personal episode, licensed marriage and family therapist Tony Overbay shares his raw, honest experience of losing his mother - not as a clinician offering guidance, but as a son navigating grief for the first time.Tony opens with a touching story about his mom's lifelong belief that he was a "real doctor," leading to an unexpectedly profound moment in the ICU. He then sits down with Q&A Files co-host Trisha Jamison for an unfiltered conversation about what it's really like when the helper becomes the one who needs help.This isn't a clinical discussion about the stages of grief - it's a human exploration of sitting bedside for four days, the humor that emerges in dark moments, the spiritual experiences you hope for but might not get, and why "let me know if you need anything" might not be as helpful as we think.Whether you're processing your own loss, supporting someone who is, or simply curious about what happens when life flips the script on a mental health professional, this conversation offers something real. It's messy, it's honest, and it's ultimately about being human enough to sit with the questions when you don't have all the answers.Topics covered: Grief processing, end-of-life care, family dynamics, therapeutic insights, humor as coping mechanism, supporting others in loss, acceptance and commitment therapy in practice.Content note: This episode contains frank discussions about death, dying, and the physical aspects of end-of-life care.00:00 Introduction and Announcements02:25 Personal Loss: The Passing of My Mom03:44 Understanding the Role of a Therapist06:05 A Story of Misunderstanding: My Mom Thought I Was a Doctor15:10 A Therapist's Perspective on Grief17:58 Conversation with Tricia Jameson: Grief and Grace34:30 Exploring the Nature of Memory35:54 Humor as a Coping Mechanism38:59 Seeking Spiritual Experiences42:07 Navigating Grief and Loss48:26 Reflecting on Personal Growth52:01 Supporting Others Through Grief58:49 Concluding Thoughts and FarewellContact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group.And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouchAvailable NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-courseYou can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com

Would you rather be liked—or be true to yourself?It sounds simple, but what happens when staying true to your values could cost you your job, your marriage, your faith community, or your friendships? In today’s episode of The Virtual Couch Presents, Tony Overbay, LMFT, dives into the real difference between character (the traits others see in us) and integrity (the alignment of our actions with our deepest values).Through stories pulled from the legal world, faith communities, workplaces, friendships, and even the messy reality of parenting, Tony explores how external validation can pull us away from who we are—and how emotional maturity, self-determination, and values-based living bring us back home to ourselves.You’ll hear about billion-dollar law firms making impossible choices, parents navigating the tension between community expectations and their child’s authenticity, and why even a heated debate over pizza sauce in a Hot Pocket can reveal where integrity really lives.At the end of the episode, stay tuned for a short guided meditation to help you connect with your own values and discover how to live them out with integrity. And don’t miss the chance to grab a cheat sheet of this episode and Tony’s Values Exercise, a simple but powerful tool to help you start discovering who you truly are.This is not about guilt or shame. It’s about curiosity, growth, and finding the courage to live with integrity—even when it costs you.00:00 Welcome to the Virtual Couch00:50 The Dilemma: Being Liked vs. Being True to Yourself01:36 Exploring Character and Integrity02:58 Upcoming Cruise and Workshops04:04 Character vs. Integrity: Real-Life Examples14:14 The Legal World: Integrity Under Pressure33:21 Self-Determination Theory and Emotional Maturity35:53 Intrinsic Motivation and Self-Determination Theory36:56 Autonomy, Competence, and Relatedness37:42 External Rewards and Burnout38:39 Real-World Examples of Integrity39:42 Sophia's Journey to Integrity42:16 Daniel's Struggle with Values45:12 Integrity in Different Contexts58:06 Faith and Integrity01:06:15 Guided Meditation: Coming Home to Your ValuesContact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group.And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouchAvailable NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-courseYou can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com

Tony and his daughter Mackie (@beautybymackie) catch up on a lot of life. Since the last time they hit record, Mackie has navigated big career shifts, health challenges, and new adventures. Tony has faced major surgery and the loss of his mom (Mackie’s grandmother). Together, they dive into the messy, uncomfortable, and often hilarious realities of change — why our brains resist it, why it feels so daunting in the moment, and why it’s actually the engine of growth. From dad jokes about Gen Z slang to real talk about autoimmune diagnoses, resilience, and reinventing yourself, this conversation is equal parts laughter, honesty, and insight.If you’re navigating your own season of change, this episode will remind you that discomfort isn’t just survivable — it’s what shapes who you’re becoming. Follow Mackie on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/beautybymackie or Tiktok https://www.tiktok.com/@beautybymackie or subscribe to "The Mind, The Mirror and Me" wherever you listen to podcasts!00:00 Welcome and Introduction00:30 The Struggle with Change02:16 Introducing Mackey McKinley02:44 Life Updates and Major Changes02:58 The Humor in Processing Change03:25 Practical Gifts and Life Lessons03:32 Social Media and Upcoming Events04:10 Conversation with Mackey Begins04:17 Casual Banter and Podcast Revival05:56 Mackey's Career Journey10:17 Health Challenges and Lifestyle Changes28:21 The Concept of Healthy Ego30:49 Defensive Ego and Feelings of Inferiority31:10 Insecurity in Professional Settings31:18 Hypersensitivity and Narcissistic Traits32:01 Building a Healthy Ego32:39 Passion vs. Obligation in Work34:02 Personal Growth and Change36:20 The Fear of the Unknown38:37 The Illusion of Control39:19 Coping with Discomfort and Growth40:12 Therapy and Emotional Support49:13 The Power of Pausing and Acceptance54:13 Mackey's Wellness Journey56:46 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Tony sits down with his friend and Love, ADHD co-host, Julie De Jesus, to unpack her recent interview with Kevin Franke, ex-husband of Ruby Franke. Ruby, the former “8 Passengers” YouTuber, pled guilty in late 2023 to multiple counts of aggravated child abuse and, along with her business partner Jodi Hildebrandt, was sentenced in February 2024 to up to 30 years in prison under Utah law.While Tony originally planned to ask Julie about Kevin, the conversation took a different turn: the tidal wave of comments Julie received after posting her interview. With humor, honesty, and therapeutic insight, Tony and Julie read through some of those YouTube comments out loud, responding in real time. They explore why people are so quick to judge, why emotions often masquerade as facts, and how online criticism reveals more about the commenter than the person being critiqued.You’ll hear candid reflections on:What Kevin’s story stirs up in people (and why)How emotional immaturity shows up in the comment section (projection, black-and-white thinking, and mistaking feelings for truth)Why leaving abusive situations is never as simple as outsiders believeThe concept of “whole object relations” — holding multiple emotions at onceHow Julie navigated negativity while staying grounded and authenticThis episode is part deep dive into psychology, part raw behind-the-scenes of content creation, and part hilarious reading of unfiltered internet comments. If you’ve ever wondered why strangers online lash out—or how to handle criticism with both compassion and boundaries—this one’s for you.00:00 Introduction and Episode Overview00:33 Julie De Jesus and Her Interview with Kevin Frankie01:11 Handling Criticism and Emotional Reactions02:40 Understanding Emotional Maturity03:55 Navigating Online Criticism07:40 Promoting the Upcoming Cruise11:51 The Future of Love A DHD Podcast12:24 Deep Dive into Kevin Frankie's Interview21:04 Personal Reflections and Recognitions31:30 Introduction to Kate's Family Dynamics31:32 Exploring Religious Roles and Power Dynamics32:23 Personal Reflections and Family Dynamics35:00 Commentary on Interview Techniques36:26 Debating Faith and Atheism38:40 Addressing Online Criticism42:20 Therapy and Personal Growth53:05 Inner Child and Emotional Healing01:00:02 Concluding Thoughts and ReflectionsContact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group.And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. 

Explore the fascinating journey of belief and perception, starting from a personal quest for the perfect tan to unexpected social dynamics linked to appearance. Dive into the compelling study on how the feeling of being judged can alter reality. Unpack confirmation bias, revealing how our minds cling to supportive information, impacting relationships, politics, and parenting. Experience powerful stories and metaphors that shed light on the challenges of changing deeply held beliefs while emphasizing the importance of growth and adaptability in connecting with others.

What do a therapist dad, his adult daughter, and a live stream full of honest questions have in common? A raw, insightful, and often hilarious live Q&A.In this special live episode, therapist Tony Overbay, LMFT, is joined by his daughter Sydney for a candid conversation that covers everything from emotional immaturity and ADHD to family dynamics, addiction, and navigating a faith crisis.With their signature mix of warmth, wit, and psychological depth, Tony and Sydney explore how perception truly shapes reality (via the Dartmouth scar study), what it means to heal your inner child, and why we so often double down on what’s familiar—even when it no longer serves us.You’ll hear real-time questions and breakthroughs from listeners on topics like trauma, medication, parenting, and personal growth. Sydney shares her lived experience leaving a high-demand religion, and Tony offers grounded, compassionate insights on how we all carry parts of ourselves—from inner kids to "addicts"—that are doing their best to help us survive.Whether you're working through your own stuff or just love real talk about what it means to grow up (emotionally and otherwise), this episode has something for you.00:00 Introduction and Casual Banter00:27 Addressing Viewer Messages and Introductions00:47 Losing and Finding the Phone02:04 Mental Health Questions and Therapy Advice07:08 Perception and Reality16:48 Faith, Beliefs, and Community27:51 Parent-Child Dynamics and Emotional Health37:23 Personifying Addiction: Meet Andy38:04 The Power of Self-Identification38:51 Medication and Personal Progress41:16 Emotional Immaturity and Childhood Adaptations47:57 Navigating Family Dynamics and Acceptance01:09:08 The Importance of Genuine Curiosity

What if an entire generation is emotionally stuck in childhood—and doesn't even know it?In this compelling guest appearance on The Steph and Craig Show, Tony dives deep into what he calls "the emotional immaturity epidemic" that's quietly sabotaging relationships everywhere.Discover the hidden patterns that keep adults reacting like children: black-and-white thinking that destroys nuance, magical thinking that avoids reality, and the exhausting habit of managing everyone else's emotions instead of allowing people to have their own experiences. Through real-life examples and practical insights, you'll learn to recognize these childhood survival strategies that have become adult relationship roadblocks.Whether you're the people-pleaser who can't say no, the perfectionist who fears vulnerability, or the controller trying to manage everyone's feelings, this conversation offers eye-opening insights into how these patterns formed—and more importantly, how to outgrow them.What you'll discover: • Why emotional reasoning ("I feel it, so it must be true") sabotages relationships • How childhood adaptations become adult limitations • Practical tools for recognizing your own emotional immaturity patterns • Actionable strategies for developing genuine emotional maturityReady to stop reacting from your inner child and start responding from your wise adult self? This episode will show you exactly where to begin.Find The Steph and Craig Show at stephandcraig.co00:00 Introduction and Episode Overview00:34 Guest Introduction: Steph and Craig02:22 Emotional Immaturity Epidemic04:18 Therapy Insights and Personal Anecdotes05:24 Interview Begins: Revisiting Past Conversations06:52 Emotional Weight in Relationships09:55 Understanding Emotional Immaturity13:02 Inner Child and Emotional Development27:35 Black and White Thinking in Relationships30:55 Reflecting on Past Behaviors31:53 The Power of Language in Relationships33:07 Understanding Black or White Thinking34:45 Magical Thinking and Emotional Maturity43:12 Emotional Reasoning in Adults58:46 Navigating Faith and Personal Validation01:00:13 The Impact of External Validation on Self-Identity01:00:42 The Role of Accountability and Magical Thinking01:01:16 Spiritual Perspectives on Differentiation01:02:37 Emotional Boundaries and Responsibility01:04:35 Navigating Emotional Charges in Relationships01:06:48 The Journey of Emotional Maturity01:11:30 Mind Reading and Assumptions in Relationships01:16:10 The Continuous Learning Process01:23:31 The Importance of Emotional Maturity01:26:05 Final Thoughts and Call to ActionContact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group.And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. 

Are you truly being curious—or just trying to win the argument? Tony explores the difference between genuine curiosity and performative questions, sharing real-life examples and tools to help you respond with emotional maturity, not reactivity. Learn how curiosity can transform your relationships.00:00 Introduction and Host Background01:42 Understanding Performative vs. Genuine Curiosity02:04 A Personal Story About Curiosity08:50 The Importance of Genuine Curiosity in Relationships19:10 Self-Regulation and Emotional Maturity24:18 Promoting Genuine Curiosity in Parenting26:17 The Role of Humility in Curiosity29:41 Healthy Ego vs. Defensive Narcissism35:03 The Neuroscience of Decision Making and Emotions37:06 The Power of Slowing Down37:36 Understanding Emotions: Primary, Secondary, and Instrumental41:02 Exploring Anger in Relationships42:48 Trusting Your Gut and Emotional Reasoning45:41 Addressing Men's Emotional Immaturity48:55 Real-Life Examples of Genuine Curiosity53:42 Parenting with Curiosity55:09 Curiosity in Marriage and Workplace59:47 Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Tools01:02:15 Four Pillars of a Connected Conversation01:05:20 Final Thoughts and TakeawaysContact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group. And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. 

Marla Christensen, AMFT, APCC, and Tony Overbay, LMFT, delve into Ethan Kross's "Shift: Managing Your Emotions So They Don't Manage You" for another installment of the "Virtual Couch Book Club." They explore emotional awareness, sensory shifts, and cultural influences on emotional well-being. Practical techniques, such as distant self-talk and the Whoop framework (Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, Plan), are covered, offering listeners actionable strategies for emotional management. Tony opens the episode by explaining how common parental phrases, such as "it's not a big deal" or "just don't worry about it," can unintentionally hinder emotional expression in adulthood, setting the stage for struggles with managing emotions later in life. This discussion offers valuable insights for individuals seeking to understand better and manage their emotions.00:00 A Touching Parenting Moment02:22 Introduction to the Virtual Couch02:31 Book Club: Managing Emotions03:16 The Importance of Emotional Awareness03:37 Understanding Emotional Language04:44 The Disconnect from Emotions06:01 Introducing Dr. Ethan Cross's 'Shift'06:23 Meet Marla Christiansen07:33 Exploring Emotional Concepts from 'Shift'07:46 The Complexity of Emotions08:05 Practical Tools for Emotional Management08:20 The Power of Distanced Self-Talk08:37 External Influences on Emotions09:02 Body Awareness and Emotions09:12 Navigating Difficult Emotions09:24 Impact of Social Media and Cultural Factors09:37 Appreciating Emotions as Information10:18 Book Club Discussion: 'Shift' by Dr. Ethan Cross10:30 Starting the Interview with Marla Christensen11:24 Diving into Emotional Regulation11:43 Book Club Insights and Personal Reflections22:58 The Law of Least Work25:01 Exploring Low-Cost Emotional Shifts25:40 Understanding Attention and Perspective26:10 Navigating Emotional Avoidance and Approach27:27 The Power of Reframing29:29 Distanced Self-Talk: A Unique Approach31:07 Shifting Emotions Through Environment33:44 The Role of Relationships in Emotional Shifts37:24 Cultural Influences on Emotions39:37 The Impact of Comparison42:37 Practical Tools for Emotional Mastery44:06 Final Thoughts and Resources