The Virtual Couch

Ever wondered why your brilliant mind can solve complex problems at work but completely breaks down during relationship conflicts? That's because those emotional reactions that feel so instinctive aren't flaws—they're actually genius survival strategies that once kept you safe. In this transformative episode, we explore how black-and-white thinking, mind-reading expectations, and external validation seeking were perfect childhood adaptations that have now become relationship roadblocks. Through the groundbreaking insight that behaviors which perfectly served us in childhood often become the very patterns that sabotage our adult relationships, you'll finally understand why you keep falling into familiar emotional patterns despite your best intentions.This isn't just another episode about relationship struggles—it's a compassionate roadmap for emotional growth that honors both your wounded inner child and your emerging adult self. You'll discover how to recognize when you're in an emotional "hole" and why continuing to dig with familiar tools only takes you deeper. Most importantly, you'll learn how to pass the baton from your protective inner child to your capable adult self without shame or judgment. Whether you struggle with people-pleasing, emotional flooding, perfectionism, or control issues, this episode offers a strength-based approach to transform these patterns into mature responses that will revolutionize your relationships and bring a profound sense of internal peace.00:00 Introduction and Episode Overview00:23 Listener Email: Mark's Story01:41 Understanding Emotional Immaturity04:47 Exploring the Emotional Maturity Spectrum08:47 Introducing the Emotional Architects Group09:29 Narcissistic Personality Disorder vs. Emotional Immaturity11:08 Dinner with Daniel: A Narcissistic Narrative15:47 Stages of Emotional Maturity26:18 Childhood Behaviors in Adult Bodies32:45 Understanding Emotional Blueprints33:07 Re-parenting with Compassion33:32 Therapeutic Insights from Fiction34:23 Frozen Moments and Adult Relationships35:16 Childhood Adaptations in Adult Life36:17 Exploring Childlike Behaviors in Adults36:57 Navigating Emotional Development41:34 Black or White Thinking44:43 Magical Thinking in Relationships47:46 Emotional Reasoning and Codependency52:32 External Validation and Accountability55:41 Mind Reading and Projection01:01:32 Pattern Recognition and Familiarity01:07:12 Path Toward Emotional Maturity01:07:52 Conclusion and Next Steps

Have you ever found yourself wondering, How can someone possibly believe that? Or maybe you've questioned your own beliefs after bumping up against someone else's certainty? You're not alone.In this episode, Tony Overbay, LMFT, dives into the complexities of perception, truth, and emotional maturity. He explores how individuals often encounter differing viewpoints—especially in today’s social media-driven world—and how those experiences can lead to frustration, confusion, and even self-doubt.Using concepts like Umwelt and the importance of distinguishing between objective facts and subjective experiences, Tony offers insight into how each person’s unique background and personal history shape the way they see and move through the world.Through personal stories and reflections, he emphasizes the power of curiosity, empathy, and openness in building real, meaningful connections. Tony also shares parts of his own professional and spiritual journey, including the impact of his faith crisis, and how discomfort can often become a catalyst for deep personal growth.He reflects on the therapist-client relationship, unpacking the balance between professional boundaries and genuine emotional connection. And as always, Tony encourages listeners to embrace curiosity, hold healthy boundaries, and continue showing up as their most authentic selves.00:00 Introduction: The Frustration of Misunderstanding02:11 Exploring the Concept of 'Truth'03:08 Host Introduction and Social Media Presence04:21 Personal Story: Spinal Surgery Experience05:26 Diving into the Topic of 'Truth' and Perception07:15 The German Concept of Umwelt12:22 Faith Journeys and Personal Perceptions14:41 Emotional Maturity and Sense of Self27:53 Job Interviews and Authenticity32:13 Case Study: Spiritual Expectations35:42 Thriving Without Sleep35:52 The Faith Crisis Hits35:59 Understanding the Pendulum Swing36:15 Unique Faith Journeys37:06 Embracing Personal Growth37:25 The Beauty of Diverse Faith Outcomes37:48 Navigating Faith Deconstruction38:42 The Reframe: Moving Forward38:53 Faith in Yourself and God39:06 Riding Without Training Wheels39:31 Respecting Different Journeys40:04 The Hero's Journey40:21 Helping Others Through Faith Crisis40:56 Developing a Strong Sense of Self41:29 Working with Faith Leaders42:03 Emotional Immaturity in Faith Communities42:41 The Power of Parables43:14 Unspoken Pressures in Religious Settings43:44 The Hypothetical Couple: Jack and Jill45:59 Humanistic Therapy Principles47:46 Intermittent Reinforcement and Trauma Bonding48:58 The Four Pillars of a Connected Conversation50:57 Separating Observations from Judgments56:25 The Therapist's Emotional Journey58:06 The Paradox of Therapy01:02:11 Navigating Discomfort in Relationships01:04:20 Concluding Thoughts and Encouragement

Tony, a licensed marriage and family therapist, author, speaker, and podcast host, welcomes viewers to an engaging TikTok Live session. Joined by his daughter Mackie, Tony answers questions on various topics including relationships, mental health, and narcissism. They discuss the concept of the shadow self, the 'Let Them' theory, handling emotional triggers, and the importance of differentiation in relationships. Tony offers advice on dealing with controlling siblings, building clientele as a therapist, managing ADHD and its effects, and overcoming trust issues in relationships. They also touch on practical self-care tips and the journey of personal growth, using real-life examples and interactive discussions with their audience.00:00 Welcome to TikTok Live00:10 Introducing the Hosts00:16 Engaging with Viewers02:12 Discussing the Shadow Self04:55 Exploring Family Dynamics05:51 Romantic Relationships and Vulnerability06:35 Understanding Emotional Reactions08:07 Differentiation and Parental Influence09:59 Setting Boundaries with Parents10:47 The 'Let Them' Theory15:20 Dealing with Emotional Regression17:29 Navigating Breakups and Grief20:43 Control and Mental Health22:16 Book Recommendations for Couples24:09 Making Small Changes for Big Impact29:56 Managing Depression and Anxiety31:43 Understanding and Accepting Anxiety32:28 Facing Fears and Building Connections33:43 Navigating Negative Environments38:22 Inner Critic and Self-Acceptance42:00 Challenges in Therapy and Relationships01:01:59 Dealing with ADHD and Rejection Sensitivity01:05:20 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

When Ashlee Boyson answered her door at age 28 to find detectives bearing unimaginable news—her husband murdered, an affair revealed—she became a widow with five children, including a six-week-old baby. In this powerful episode of the Virtual Couch, Tony Overbay, LMFT,  explores how this defining moment led Ashlee to become not just a survivor but a guide for others navigating grief's complex terrain. Her groundbreaking book "One Day: A Child's Journey Through Grief and Loss," illustrated by her daughter Bostyn, takes a revolutionary approach by deliberately omitting facial expressions and colors—creating space for authentic emotions rather than prescribing how one "should" feel when grieving.Beyond the book, Tony and Ashlee dive into the messy truth of grief—how contradictory emotions can coexist, why well-intentioned comfort often invalidates emotional reality, and practical strategies for creating genuine healing. With moments of unexpected laughter amidst profound wisdom, they explore how Ashlee's journey led her to develop courses on infidelity and widowhood, practice foot zoning, and, most importantly, help parents understand that there's no "right way" to grieve. Whether you're personally experiencing loss or supporting someone who is, this conversation offers a masterclass in compassionate presence and emotional intelligence that transcends age, making it essential listening for anyone seeking to process grief authentically.00:00 Introduction and Announcements01:35 Introducing Ashley Boyson02:10 Ashley's Incredible Story03:27 Ashley's Journey Through Grief03:54 Discussing Ashley's New Book12:04 The Healing Power of Foot Zoning17:40 The Importance of Emotional Awareness26:35 Addressing Children's Emotional Pain27:06 Recognizing and Validating Emotions27:45 Personal Experiences with Suppressed Emotions28:52 Navigating Grief and Loss30:33 Complex Emotions and Healing31:30 The Importance of Open Communication32:25 Balancing Past and Future Fears34:11 Encouraging Emotional Expression in Children35:51 Handling Grief Triggers43:45 The Role of Truth in Healing46:21 Final Thoughts and Resources

What happens when two first responders fall in love, face career, life, and faith crises, and embark on a radical journey of healing? How do couples navigate from survival mode to genuine connection after years of chaos and trauma?Tony welcomes Steph and Craig Salazar, the authentic couple behind the popular podcast "The Steph and Craig Show." What begins as a reunion of newfound friends quickly transforms into a profound exploration of relationship transformation, personal growth, and the messy beauty of healing together.Steph and Craig share their remarkable journey from meeting as a police officer and dispatcher to becoming relationship content creators who are changing lives through radical vulnerability. They don't hold back as they discuss the chaos of their early relationship—blending families, career crises, mental health struggles, and the imbalanced dynamics that nearly tore them apart.Listen as they reveal the pivotal moments that shifted their path: Craig's life-changing men's retreat that Steph secretly feared might end their relationship, Steph's breaking point in her dispatch career and her courageous pivot to follow her dreams, and how they both found healing through therapy, spiritual practices, and even psychedelic-assisted healing experiences.This conversation isn't about relationship experts who have it all figured out. It's about two people who've "taken the scenic route" through life's challenges, hitting every obstacle along the way, and discovering that true connection happens when we heal individually first.Whether you're facing relationship challenges, navigating career transitions, or doing your own healing work, this episode offers profound insights wrapped in genuine, heartfelt conversation. Steph and Craig's mission to create a mirror where others might see themselves and feel less alone in their struggles shines through every moment of this unforgettable discussion.Join Tony, Steph, and Craig for a conversation that proves we're all healing together—one vulnerable step at a time. The Steph and Craig Show is available at https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-steph-craig-show/id1742462702 or wherever you listen to podcasts, as well as on YouTube. You can find the episode that Tony references on their show at https://youtu.be/n_LiTO_nt5w?si=GAmnZF3rFdh7QPFH 00:00 Introduction and Welcome01:07 Special Guests: Steph and Craig01:49 The Transformative Podcast Episode02:22 Authenticity and Vulnerability03:35 The Journey of Steph and Craig04:03 Career Transitions and Challenges04:39 The Scenic Route to Healing07:30 Magic and Connection10:04 Meeting and Early Relationship12:02 Navigating Careers and Personal Growth22:28 Curiosity About Life Changes23:32 Spiritual Awakening and Energy Healing24:28 Journey with DreamPod and Financial Stability25:44 Stephanie's Career Shift and Personal Growth28:49 Balancing Masculine and Feminine Energies33:19 Men's Retreat and Emotional Connection44:12 Therapy and Healing Together48:45 Current Focus and Future Plans**Show Notes:**- How Steph and Craig met in law enforcement and blended their families- The career crisis that sent Craig into depression and changed their trajectory- Why Steph thought sending Craig to a men's retreat might mean the end of their relationship- Their journey through energy healing, spiritual awakening, and finding authentic connection- How individual healing created the foundation for relationship transformation- The role of therapy, MDMA-assisted healing, and psychedelics in their growth- Their transition from couples coaching to content creation focused on vulnerability- Tony's reflections on masculine/feminine energy and the burdens in relationships**Keywords:** relationship transformation, healing, vulnerability, law enforcement trauma, men's work, couples therapy, psychedelic healing, content creation, authentic connection

Every couple starts their marriage journey with hearts full of hope and eyes bright with optimism. But what happens when the fairy tale meets reality? In this compelling episode of the Virtual Couch, marriage therapist Tony Overbay takes listeners on an intimate journey through the evolution of marriage, sparked by his observation of a young newlywed couple, Hannah and Cody, during a recent podcast interview.Drawing from over 20 years of experience as a marriage therapist, Tony bridges the gap between those magical early days and the complex reality that many couples face years into their marriage. He addresses the common refrain of "just wait until..." that many newlyweds hear, while offering hope and practical tools for couples at all stages of their relationship.Key insights include:- The power of intentional curiosity in long-term relationships- Why emotional maturity matters more than initial chemistry- The critical balance between self-care and partner care- How to maintain individual growth while nurturing your relationship- The four pillars of connected conversation that can transform your communicationTony shares vulnerable moments from his own 34-year marriage journey, demonstrating how the principles he teaches aren't just theoretical—they're battle-tested. He tackles the delicate balance between maintaining individual identity and building a strong partnership, offering practical insights for both newlyweds and seasoned couples.Whether you're basking in newlywed bliss like Hannah and Cody or navigating the complexities of a decades-long partnership, this episode provides a roadmap for understanding how to evolve together while maintaining the spark that brought you together in the first place. Tony's unique perspective helps couples understand that while change is inevitable in marriage, it doesn't have to mean growing apart—it can mean growing together in new and deeper ways.This episode is essential listening for:- Newlywed couples wanting to build a strong foundation- Long-term couples seeking to reconnect or deepen their bond- Anyone curious about the real journey from romantic love to lasting partnership- Couples wanting practical tools for better communication and understandingJoin Tony as he unpacks these insights and more, offering both hope and practical strategies for couples at any stage of their marriage journey.Follow the Q&A Files Podcast on Spotify https://open.spotify.com/show/1k2Oh4rY9VCp1tVeu14dxk?si=a39537613900475b Apple Podcasts https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-q-a-files/id1730736061 or wherever you listen to podcasts. 00:00 Introduction and Podcast Overview01:52 Reflecting on Marriage and Personal Experiences03:42 The Importance of Communication in Relationships05:42 Premarital and Newlywed Counseling Insights06:59 Four Pillars of a Connected Conversation11:15 Navigating Discomfort and Growth in Relationships19:52 Intentionality and Integrity in Commitments23:22 Embracing Change and Curiosity in Marriage25:49 Expressing Authenticity26:00 Navigating Online Dating28:01 The Game of Emotional Immaturity28:44 The Challenge of Authenticity in Dating30:07 Saying 'I Love You'32:38 Psychological Flexibility in Relationships39:06 The Importance of Self-Care42:56 Boundaries and Pathological Kindness45:07 Choosing Love Daily46:53 Conclusion and Future Topics

What happens when you walk face-first into a wall at the movies? For therapist Tony Overbay, it led to a deep discussion about relationships, self-worth, and the challenges of being true to yourself in a world that often demands conformity.In this engaging episode of The Virtual Couch, Tony is joined by his daughter Mackie for their regular Sunday night Q&A session. After sharing a humorous story about his movie theater mishap (complete with butterfly stitches), they dive into profound conversations about relationships, mental health, and personal growth.The episode explores the concept of "normal" versus "pathological" narcissism, with Tony breaking down Eleanor Greenberg's research on how healthy ego differs from defensive narcissism. They discuss how true confidence comes from actual accomplishments rather than a fragile facade of superiority.A significant portion focuses on the challenges of maintaining authenticity in relationships, particularly when dealing with emotional immaturity. Tony explains how many people lose themselves trying to make others happy, and the importance of choosing self-care first - not as an act of selfishness, but as a necessary foundation for genuine connection.The father-daughter duo tackles numerous listener questions, covering topics like:- Setting healthy boundaries versus giving ultimatums- The impact of being a "scapegoat" in family dynamics- Dealing with betrayal trauma and infidelity- The struggles of highly sensitive people (HSP)- Navigating relationships with emotionally immature partners- The challenges of being authentically yourself in a society that often rewards conformityThroughout the episode, Tony emphasizes the importance of differentiation - developing a strong but flexible sense of self while maintaining connections with others. He provides practical advice for listeners struggling with various relationship challenges, including resources for finding affordable therapy and support groups for those dealing with emotionally immature partners.The conversation weaves together clinical insights with personal experiences, creating an authentic and relatable dialogue that helps listeners understand they're not alone in their struggles. Tony and Mackie's natural rapport adds warmth and accessibility to complex therapeutic concepts, making them more digestible for a general audience.00:00 Introduction and Setting the Scene01:06 Super Bowl and Halftime Show Reactions02:30 Movie Theater Mishap and Story Time07:10 Relationship Dynamics and Self-Care11:47 Understanding Narcissism and Healthy Ego17:34 Questions from the Audience41:14 Navigating the Online Dating World41:50 The Struggle of Authenticity in Relationships43:20 The Journey of Emotional Growth47:22 Dealing with Narcissistic Relationships53:54 The Importance of Setting Boundaries01:11:12 Overcoming Trauma and Seeking Therapy01:14:15 Confronting Relationship Challenges01:19:59 Final Thoughts and Resources

Tony welcomes sisters Sarah Bailey and Karla Cragg, who share a passion for enhancing the social lives of individuals with autism. They introduce their Breaking Social Barriers PEERS program, an evidence-based social skills training course designed specifically for young adults on the autism spectrum. Their program is based on UCLA’s acclaimed PEERS treatment model, the only research-backed method proven to help young adults with autism form and maintain meaningful friendships.Sarah and Karla provide an inside look at their curriculum, which offers practical strategies for entering, maintaining, and exiting conversations—along with other essential social skills that set individuals up for success. They emphasize the importance of honoring autistic individuals' authenticity while equipping them with the social tools they may need.The conversation also explores key topics such as the differences between autism and highly sensitive person (HSP) traits, the impact of diagnosis and labeling, and the increasing demand for targeted social skills training.Tune in to discover how Sarah and Karla’s approach is making a profound difference in the lives of autistic individuals—whether formally diagnosed or self-identified.Learn more about their evidence-based programs at BreakingSocialBarriers.com.00:00 Welcome to the Virtual Couch01:11 Diving into Autism Awareness02:22 Carla's Journey into Autism Education05:31 Introducing the Peers Program08:27 Navigating Social Skills for Young Adults12:44 Understanding Autism and Neurodiversity20:43 Navigating Social Interactions with High Functioning Autism21:27 Teaching the Art of Trading Information23:30 The Importance of Evidence-Based Social Skills Programs25:18 Addressing Loneliness and Social Isolation26:24 Course Structure and Content29:43 Role Playing and Practical Applications35:56 Enhancing Authentic Social Interactions38:29 Conclusion and Contact Information

Have you ever been told you're 'too sensitive' or that you need to ‘get over it,’ or ‘don’t worry about it,’ but that only causes you to worry more, or feel less connected to others, or even yourself? Or have you been told that your sensitivity must mean you're on the autism spectrum? Or are you on the autisim spectrum and can you also identify with many of the characteristics of Highly Sensitive People? With over 2.2 million views and hundreds of comments on recent viral videos about Highly Sensitive People (HSPs), it's clear this topic strikes a nerve. Drawing from his experience working with both HSPs and individuals with ASD, Tony dives deep into why these distinct experiences are often confused - and why understanding the difference isn't just interesting, it's essential for creating a more empathetic world.Through viral video statistics, personal anecdotes, and real-world examples, he breaks down how HSPs (representing 15-20% of the population) and individuals with ASD navigate life differently. From sensory processing to social dynamics, discover why that deep emotional processing might actually be an evolutionary advantage rather than a disorder. Along the way, the discussion explores how ADHD and NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) intersect with these experiences.This episode provides crucial insights into recognizing, understanding, and supporting both HSPs and individuals with ASD. Whether questioning your own experiences or trying to better understand someone else's, listeners will find the clarity and validation they've been seeking. Perfect for anyone who's ever felt misunderstood about their sensitivity or confused about where they fit in the neurodiversity spectrum. Join Tony for an eye-opening discussion that might just change how you see yourself - or someone you love."00:00 Welcome and Introduction00:30 The Viral Video on Highly Sensitive People01:04 Behind the Scenes: Social Media Stats02:05 Addressing Misconceptions and Personal Insights03:26 A Personal Anecdote: The Butterfly Bandage04:12 Responding to Drive-By Comments04:29 Understanding Highly Sensitive People (HSP) vs Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)07:27 Story Time: Sarah and Michael's Interaction18:57 The Evolutionary Purpose of High Sensitivity21:39 Traits and Characteristics of Highly Sensitive People29:17 Challenges Faced by Highly Sensitive People33:59 The Importance of Curiosity and Understanding35:30 Understanding Human Uniqueness36:22 Fascinating Facts About Human Preferences37:22 The Complexity of Sensitivity39:20 Exploring Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)40:49 Comparing HSP and ASD Sensory Experiences54:50 Social Interactions: HSP vs. ASD01:00:47 Nonverbal Communication Differences01:04:26 Emotional Energy and Social Fatigue01:08:05 Final Thoughts and Listener Engagement

Have you ever tried selling a grand piano on Facebook Marketplace? Our latest episode of the Q&A Files kicks off with some personal tales of downsizing and the hilarious adventures that come with it. Join us as Trisha Jamison, a board-certified functional nutritionist, and Tony Overbay, a licensed marriage and family therapist and seasoned podcaster from The Virtual Couch,  and Waking Up To Narcissism, discuss these issues for Tony's podcast, The Virtual Couch. Trisha and Tony discuss emotional immaturity and narcissistic traits and offer a path to healthier relationships. We share our own journeys of growth and healing to show how. This episode delves into the challenges of navigating emotionally complex relationships and the power of validation. Whether dealing with resistance from a partner or unlocking the transformative potential of self-awareness, our candid discussions aim to provide fresh perspectives and practical strategies for listeners who might be walking similar paths.Join us next time as we discuss how to keep your relationships fresh by talking to a newlywed couple who are just as cute as can be! Follow the Q&A Files Podcast on Spotify https://open.spotify.com/show/1k2Oh4rY9VCp1tVeu14dxk?si=a39537613900475b Apple Podcasts https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-q-a-files/id1730736061 or wherever you listen to podcasts.