The Virtual Couch

Tony sits down with his friend and Love, ADHD co-host, Julie De Jesus, to unpack her recent interview with Kevin Franke, ex-husband of Ruby Franke. Ruby, the former “8 Passengers” YouTuber, pled guilty in late 2023 to multiple counts of aggravated child abuse and, along with her business partner Jodi Hildebrandt, was sentenced in February 2024 to up to 30 years in prison under Utah law.While Tony originally planned to ask Julie about Kevin, the conversation took a different turn: the tidal wave of comments Julie received after posting her interview. With humor, honesty, and therapeutic insight, Tony and Julie read through some of those YouTube comments out loud, responding in real time. They explore why people are so quick to judge, why emotions often masquerade as facts, and how online criticism reveals more about the commenter than the person being critiqued.You’ll hear candid reflections on:What Kevin’s story stirs up in people (and why)How emotional immaturity shows up in the comment section (projection, black-and-white thinking, and mistaking feelings for truth)Why leaving abusive situations is never as simple as outsiders believeThe concept of “whole object relations” — holding multiple emotions at onceHow Julie navigated negativity while staying grounded and authenticThis episode is part deep dive into psychology, part raw behind-the-scenes of content creation, and part hilarious reading of unfiltered internet comments. If you’ve ever wondered why strangers online lash out—or how to handle criticism with both compassion and boundaries—this one’s for you.00:00 Introduction and Episode Overview00:33 Julie De Jesus and Her Interview with Kevin Frankie01:11 Handling Criticism and Emotional Reactions02:40 Understanding Emotional Maturity03:55 Navigating Online Criticism07:40 Promoting the Upcoming Cruise11:51 The Future of Love A DHD Podcast12:24 Deep Dive into Kevin Frankie's Interview21:04 Personal Reflections and Recognitions31:30 Introduction to Kate's Family Dynamics31:32 Exploring Religious Roles and Power Dynamics32:23 Personal Reflections and Family Dynamics35:00 Commentary on Interview Techniques36:26 Debating Faith and Atheism38:40 Addressing Online Criticism42:20 Therapy and Personal Growth53:05 Inner Child and Emotional Healing01:00:02 Concluding Thoughts and ReflectionsContact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group.And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. 

Explore the fascinating journey of belief and perception, starting from a personal quest for the perfect tan to unexpected social dynamics linked to appearance. Dive into the compelling study on how the feeling of being judged can alter reality. Unpack confirmation bias, revealing how our minds cling to supportive information, impacting relationships, politics, and parenting. Experience powerful stories and metaphors that shed light on the challenges of changing deeply held beliefs while emphasizing the importance of growth and adaptability in connecting with others.

What do a therapist dad, his adult daughter, and a live stream full of honest questions have in common? A raw, insightful, and often hilarious live Q&A.In this special live episode, therapist Tony Overbay, LMFT, is joined by his daughter Sydney for a candid conversation that covers everything from emotional immaturity and ADHD to family dynamics, addiction, and navigating a faith crisis.With their signature mix of warmth, wit, and psychological depth, Tony and Sydney explore how perception truly shapes reality (via the Dartmouth scar study), what it means to heal your inner child, and why we so often double down on what’s familiar—even when it no longer serves us.You’ll hear real-time questions and breakthroughs from listeners on topics like trauma, medication, parenting, and personal growth. Sydney shares her lived experience leaving a high-demand religion, and Tony offers grounded, compassionate insights on how we all carry parts of ourselves—from inner kids to "addicts"—that are doing their best to help us survive.Whether you're working through your own stuff or just love real talk about what it means to grow up (emotionally and otherwise), this episode has something for you.00:00 Introduction and Casual Banter00:27 Addressing Viewer Messages and Introductions00:47 Losing and Finding the Phone02:04 Mental Health Questions and Therapy Advice07:08 Perception and Reality16:48 Faith, Beliefs, and Community27:51 Parent-Child Dynamics and Emotional Health37:23 Personifying Addiction: Meet Andy38:04 The Power of Self-Identification38:51 Medication and Personal Progress41:16 Emotional Immaturity and Childhood Adaptations47:57 Navigating Family Dynamics and Acceptance01:09:08 The Importance of Genuine Curiosity

What if an entire generation is emotionally stuck in childhood—and doesn't even know it?In this compelling guest appearance on The Steph and Craig Show, Tony dives deep into what he calls "the emotional immaturity epidemic" that's quietly sabotaging relationships everywhere.Discover the hidden patterns that keep adults reacting like children: black-and-white thinking that destroys nuance, magical thinking that avoids reality, and the exhausting habit of managing everyone else's emotions instead of allowing people to have their own experiences. Through real-life examples and practical insights, you'll learn to recognize these childhood survival strategies that have become adult relationship roadblocks.Whether you're the people-pleaser who can't say no, the perfectionist who fears vulnerability, or the controller trying to manage everyone's feelings, this conversation offers eye-opening insights into how these patterns formed—and more importantly, how to outgrow them.What you'll discover: • Why emotional reasoning ("I feel it, so it must be true") sabotages relationships • How childhood adaptations become adult limitations • Practical tools for recognizing your own emotional immaturity patterns • Actionable strategies for developing genuine emotional maturityReady to stop reacting from your inner child and start responding from your wise adult self? This episode will show you exactly where to begin.Find The Steph and Craig Show at stephandcraig.co00:00 Introduction and Episode Overview00:34 Guest Introduction: Steph and Craig02:22 Emotional Immaturity Epidemic04:18 Therapy Insights and Personal Anecdotes05:24 Interview Begins: Revisiting Past Conversations06:52 Emotional Weight in Relationships09:55 Understanding Emotional Immaturity13:02 Inner Child and Emotional Development27:35 Black and White Thinking in Relationships30:55 Reflecting on Past Behaviors31:53 The Power of Language in Relationships33:07 Understanding Black or White Thinking34:45 Magical Thinking and Emotional Maturity43:12 Emotional Reasoning in Adults58:46 Navigating Faith and Personal Validation01:00:13 The Impact of External Validation on Self-Identity01:00:42 The Role of Accountability and Magical Thinking01:01:16 Spiritual Perspectives on Differentiation01:02:37 Emotional Boundaries and Responsibility01:04:35 Navigating Emotional Charges in Relationships01:06:48 The Journey of Emotional Maturity01:11:30 Mind Reading and Assumptions in Relationships01:16:10 The Continuous Learning Process01:23:31 The Importance of Emotional Maturity01:26:05 Final Thoughts and Call to ActionContact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group.And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. 

Are you truly being curious—or just trying to win the argument? Tony explores the difference between genuine curiosity and performative questions, sharing real-life examples and tools to help you respond with emotional maturity, not reactivity. Learn how curiosity can transform your relationships.00:00 Introduction and Host Background01:42 Understanding Performative vs. Genuine Curiosity02:04 A Personal Story About Curiosity08:50 The Importance of Genuine Curiosity in Relationships19:10 Self-Regulation and Emotional Maturity24:18 Promoting Genuine Curiosity in Parenting26:17 The Role of Humility in Curiosity29:41 Healthy Ego vs. Defensive Narcissism35:03 The Neuroscience of Decision Making and Emotions37:06 The Power of Slowing Down37:36 Understanding Emotions: Primary, Secondary, and Instrumental41:02 Exploring Anger in Relationships42:48 Trusting Your Gut and Emotional Reasoning45:41 Addressing Men's Emotional Immaturity48:55 Real-Life Examples of Genuine Curiosity53:42 Parenting with Curiosity55:09 Curiosity in Marriage and Workplace59:47 Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Tools01:02:15 Four Pillars of a Connected Conversation01:05:20 Final Thoughts and TakeawaysContact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group. And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. 

Marla Christensen, AMFT, APCC, and Tony Overbay, LMFT, delve into Ethan Kross's "Shift: Managing Your Emotions So They Don't Manage You" for another installment of the "Virtual Couch Book Club." They explore emotional awareness, sensory shifts, and cultural influences on emotional well-being. Practical techniques, such as distant self-talk and the Whoop framework (Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, Plan), are covered, offering listeners actionable strategies for emotional management. Tony opens the episode by explaining how common parental phrases, such as "it's not a big deal" or "just don't worry about it," can unintentionally hinder emotional expression in adulthood, setting the stage for struggles with managing emotions later in life. This discussion offers valuable insights for individuals seeking to understand better and manage their emotions.00:00 A Touching Parenting Moment02:22 Introduction to the Virtual Couch02:31 Book Club: Managing Emotions03:16 The Importance of Emotional Awareness03:37 Understanding Emotional Language04:44 The Disconnect from Emotions06:01 Introducing Dr. Ethan Cross's 'Shift'06:23 Meet Marla Christiansen07:33 Exploring Emotional Concepts from 'Shift'07:46 The Complexity of Emotions08:05 Practical Tools for Emotional Management08:20 The Power of Distanced Self-Talk08:37 External Influences on Emotions09:02 Body Awareness and Emotions09:12 Navigating Difficult Emotions09:24 Impact of Social Media and Cultural Factors09:37 Appreciating Emotions as Information10:18 Book Club Discussion: 'Shift' by Dr. Ethan Cross10:30 Starting the Interview with Marla Christensen11:24 Diving into Emotional Regulation11:43 Book Club Insights and Personal Reflections22:58 The Law of Least Work25:01 Exploring Low-Cost Emotional Shifts25:40 Understanding Attention and Perspective26:10 Navigating Emotional Avoidance and Approach27:27 The Power of Reframing29:29 Distanced Self-Talk: A Unique Approach31:07 Shifting Emotions Through Environment33:44 The Role of Relationships in Emotional Shifts37:24 Cultural Influences on Emotions39:37 The Impact of Comparison42:37 Practical Tools for Emotional Mastery44:06 Final Thoughts and Resources

What if the very strategies that saved you as a child are now sabotaging your adult relationships?In Part 2 of Tony's series on emotional immaturity, discover why your most persistent relationship struggles aren't character flaws—they're outdated survival software still running in the background of your life.Through the powerful ACT metaphor of "The Man in the Hole," you'll understand why working harder with familiar emotional tools only digs you deeper into relationship problems. When someone offers you a ladder out of your patterns, why do you keep trying to dig with it instead? This episode reveals how to recognize when it's time to put down the shovel of old coping strategies and climb toward something completely different.Meet the clients who've made this transformation: the chronic fixer who learned to ask "what do you need from me?" instead of immediately solving, the humor-deflector who shocked a room into silence by sharing something real, and the lifelong people-pleaser whose hands shook as she said "no" for the first time—and discovered her marriage actually got stronger.You'll explore Terry Real's revolutionary insight that childhood adaptations become adult roadblocks, learn the art of re-parenting yourself with compassion instead of criticism, and discover why emotional maturity isn't about never falling into old patterns—it's about recognizing when you're there and having new tools to respond.Whether you struggle with hypervigilance, perfectionism, control issues, or people-pleasing tendencies, this episode offers a shame-free framework for honoring your inner child's brilliant survival strategies while empowering your adult self to take the lead. Because growth isn't about eliminating your protective parts—it's about expanding your repertoire of responses and choosing consciously instead of reacting automatically.Ready to stop digging and start climbing? Your ladder awaits.00:00 Introduction and Recap01:23 The Story of Tyler03:53 Tyler's Realization and Therapy09:39 Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Metaphor15:46 Revisiting Emotional Immaturity19:30 Reparenting Yourself25:05 Examples of Reparenting in Action29:00 Exploring Emotional Immaturity Traits40:54 Recognizing and Validating Emotions42:47 Dependence on External Validation48:54 Taking Ownership and Accountability51:49 Mind Reading and Communication01:03:55 Hypervigilance and Emotional Containment01:07:12 Perfectionism and Control01:11:49 Integration and Emotional Maturity01:15:57 Real-Life Examples of Emotional Growth01:22:05 The Journey of Emotional Maturity

Have you ever watched someone you care about repeatedly return to a relationship that's clearly hurting them, despite all logic and reason? Or found yourself unable to break free from a partner who alternates between cruel indifference and intoxicating affection? Tony Overbay, LMFT, comprehensively examines all of the factors at play in hopes of shining a light on understanding and ultimately healing from one of psychology's most misunderstood phenomena: trauma bonding.Tony explains how the same mechanisms that kept B.F. Skinner's rats frantically pressing a lever for unpredictable rewards are at work in toxic relationships. He explains the biological "amygdala hijack" that literally shuts down one's ability to think rationally when anxiety strikes and why well-meaning advice like "just don't worry about it" actually makes things worse through psychological reactance.This comprehensive episode covers:The neurological science behind trauma bonding and why it creates addiction-like withdrawal symptomsHow childhood experiences shape our relationship with emotions and set us up for unhealthy patternsWhy telling someone "don't think about it" guarantees they'll think about it moreThe critical difference between guilt ("I did something bad") and shame ("I am bad")Practical ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) techniques like expansion and mindfulnessThe powerful Buddhist salt and water metaphor for managing emotional painWhy no one—not even identical twins—experiences the world exactly as you doHow to break the cycle of seeking external validation that keeps you trappedWhether you're personally experiencing a trauma bond, supporting someone who is, or simply want to understand why people stay in painful relationships, this episode provides compassionate insight and practical tools for healing. Tony's conversational style makes complex psychological concepts accessible while offering hope that with time, understanding, and the right support, you can reclaim your emotional autonomy and build healthier connections.00:00 Introduction: The Impact of 'Say Anything'01:21 Setting the Stage: Understanding Relationship Dynamics01:50 Who This Episode is For03:10 Introduction to Trauma Bonding04:03 Welcome to the Virtual Couch04:35 Engage with Us: Social Media and Upcoming Events07:04 The Concept of Trauma Bonding16:51 The Science Behind Trauma Bonding21:25 Understanding the Amygdala Hijack21:49 The Impact of Stress Hormones on the Brain23:03 The Cycle of Trauma Bonding24:21 The Ineffectiveness of Well-Meaning Advice24:59 Psychological Reactance and the White Bear Effect26:24 Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)28:18 The Concept of Expansion30:05 Mindfulness and Changing Your Relationship with Thoughts32:27 Guilt vs. Shame34:11 Healing from Trauma Bonds36:45 The Importance of Self-Validation43:43 Seeking Support and Practicing Mindfulness

Do you avoid difficult conversations, hoping problems will magically disappear? Do you convince yourself you don’t need to write things down, because of course you’ll remember later? Or maybe you catch yourself trying to be everything to everyone… and slowly losing yourself in the process?Join Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Tony Overbay and his daughter Mackie, a licensed esthetician, and cosmetologist, and host of the podcast “The Mind, the Mirror, and Me,” for a lively and insightful live Q&A. Together, they explore the sneaky ways magical thinking and emotional immaturity show up in our lives and relationships. From assuming people should “just know” what we want, to struggling with overthinking and honesty in relationships, this conversation dives deep (with plenty of humor and personal stories along the way).You’ll also hear about:What “pick me” behavior really means and how it impacts relationshipsHow magical thinking keeps us stuck (and how to move forward)Navigating diagnoses like borderline personality disorder and emotional immaturityWhy honesty in relationships isn’t as simple as “just say it”Handling complicated family dynamics — including emotionally absent grandparentsTools like mindfulness and ACT-based techniques to help you change your relationship with your thoughtsWhether you're a therapist, a parent, or simply curious about emotional growth, this honest and relatable episode will leave you thinking differently about how you show up for yourself and others.00:00 Introduction and Technical Difficulties00:19 Foot Talk and Live Stream Banter01:11 Licensed Therapist Q&A Begins01:21 Understanding Narcissistic Traits02:06 Exploring the 'Pick Me' Phenomenon03:20 Therapy Insights: Finding Your True Self05:40 Addressing Borderline Personality Disorder14:05 Magical Thinking and Emotional Immaturity26:08 Mindfulness and Thought Observation Techniques27:02 The Concept of Changing Relationship with Thoughts27:32 Discussion on Honesty in Relationships31:16 Handling Family Dynamics and Expectations33:54 Understanding Bipolar Disorder vs. Anger Issues37:43 The Role of Thoughts, Behaviors, and Feelings46:03 Freudian Theories and Emotional Maturity50:39 Final Thoughts and Viewer Questions

Ever wondered why your brilliant mind can solve complex problems at work but completely breaks down during relationship conflicts? That's because those emotional reactions that feel so instinctive aren't flaws—they're actually genius survival strategies that once kept you safe. In this transformative episode, we explore how black-and-white thinking, mind-reading expectations, and external validation seeking were perfect childhood adaptations that have now become relationship roadblocks. Through the groundbreaking insight that behaviors which perfectly served us in childhood often become the very patterns that sabotage our adult relationships, you'll finally understand why you keep falling into familiar emotional patterns despite your best intentions.This isn't just another episode about relationship struggles—it's a compassionate roadmap for emotional growth that honors both your wounded inner child and your emerging adult self. You'll discover how to recognize when you're in an emotional "hole" and why continuing to dig with familiar tools only takes you deeper. Most importantly, you'll learn how to pass the baton from your protective inner child to your capable adult self without shame or judgment. Whether you struggle with people-pleasing, emotional flooding, perfectionism, or control issues, this episode offers a strength-based approach to transform these patterns into mature responses that will revolutionize your relationships and bring a profound sense of internal peace.00:00 Introduction and Episode Overview00:23 Listener Email: Mark's Story01:41 Understanding Emotional Immaturity04:47 Exploring the Emotional Maturity Spectrum08:47 Introducing the Emotional Architects Group09:29 Narcissistic Personality Disorder vs. Emotional Immaturity11:08 Dinner with Daniel: A Narcissistic Narrative15:47 Stages of Emotional Maturity26:18 Childhood Behaviors in Adult Bodies32:45 Understanding Emotional Blueprints33:07 Re-parenting with Compassion33:32 Therapeutic Insights from Fiction34:23 Frozen Moments and Adult Relationships35:16 Childhood Adaptations in Adult Life36:17 Exploring Childlike Behaviors in Adults36:57 Navigating Emotional Development41:34 Black or White Thinking44:43 Magical Thinking in Relationships47:46 Emotional Reasoning and Codependency52:32 External Validation and Accountability55:41 Mind Reading and Projection01:01:32 Pattern Recognition and Familiarity01:07:12 Path Toward Emotional Maturity01:07:52 Conclusion and Next Steps