Why You're Actually Fighting With Yourself (And Blaming Your Partner)—The Psychology of Projection
Oct 17, 2025
56:31
forum Ask episode
view_agenda Chapters
auto_awesome Transcript
info_circle Episode notes
Ever wonder why your partner's innocent behavior feels like a personal attack? What if the stories you're telling yourself about their intentions say more about you than about them?
In this eye-opening episode, therapist Tony Overbay, LMFT, explores projection—the unconscious habit of attributing our own thoughts, feelings, and motivations to others. Through real stories from his practice, including a couple's argument over a bag of garbage and a wife accused of infidelity she never considered, Tony reveals how we're all swimming in "water" we don't even know exists.
Discover why the things that trigger you most intensely often reflect your own unresolved struggles, learn the psychology behind "the lady doth protest too much," and understand how projection creates conflict in even the healthiest relationships. Tony shares practical tools for recognizing when you're projecting, explains the neuroscience behind why our brains do this, and offers actionable steps for breaking free from automatic interpretations that damage connection.
What you'll learn:
The difference between observation and judgment (and why it matters).
How to recognize when you're projecting your own experience onto your partner.
Why intense reactions are usually about you, not them.
The connection between childhood survival strategies and adult projection.
David Foster Wallace's "This Is Water" and what it teaches us about awareness. (You can read the full transcript here https://fs.blog/david-foster-wallace-this-is-water/)
Real examples of projection in everyday relationships and public life.
Three key takeaways you can use immediately to transform your communication.
If you've ever thought "they should have known that would hurt me" or "they obviously did that on purpose," this episode will fundamentally change how you see yourself, your partner, and your conflicts. Because once you see the water you're swimming in, you can't unsee it—and that's where real growth begins.
Perfect for: individuals in a relationship, those struggling with recurring conflicts, those interested in emotional maturity and self-awareness, and anyone seeking to understand the psychology behind their strongest reactions.
00:00 Introduction and Overview
00:44 Understanding Projection
01:36 Story Time: Real-Life Examples of Projection
06:06 Defining Projection
07:34 Historical Context and Theories of Projection
08:46 Modern Psychology and Projection
09:04 Integrating the Shadow
25:29 Projection in Everyday Life
30:48 Uncovering Hidden Struggles
31:49 The Defense Mechanism of Projection
34:18 Therapeutic Breakthroughs
37:34 Practical Examples of Projection
41:11 Understanding Our Default Settings
47:07 The Power of Curiosity and Compassion
52:59 Final Thoughts on Projection
Contact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group.
And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line.
To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch
The Virtual Couch