Playing With Fire

Jung has this great quote “Where love rules, there is no will to power, and where power predominates, love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.” The shadow of love is power in Jung's estimation. I look around the world and that sure seems true on a grand scale. And in our daily life, I think we *mean* to center love rather than power in our close relationships...but in reality, most of us struggle with power. We struggle to accept that we want unnegotiated power (entitlement) or We struggle to accept that we want to experience a lack of power (martyrdom) or We struggle to accept that having power--even power we didn't ask for-- means having great responsibility (cue the Spiderman theme song) But we aren't taught how to share power with our partners. How to be real about the shadow element that is ruling so much of our love life. This isn't an episode about the grand scale- we are talking about how we made a mess of our loving home by ignoring the power dynamics at work under the surface and WHAT we each did to reverse the problem. Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

It's no secret that we started our relationship in a bad place. Together, we worked and learned our way from a painful, confused state to a conscious, growth-oriented, and gentle love. We transformed that messy, painful relationship by taking a page (several thousand pages, actually) from the world of kink. Kinksters regularly talk about power exchange--we think everyone should. Every single day Joli hears from people who don't recognize that unnegotiated power dynamics are creating suffering in their most cherished relationships. Want an unconventionally happy life? You've got to start dealing with the power dynamics in your relationships. In this episode, we're talking about how we: make power visible in our daily life unpack old icky-but-comfortable manipulative habits practice reading each other's minds (you can too!) make (& keep) thoughtful, creative agreements rather than rely on social norms for security Referenced in the episode: Playing Well with Others by Lee Harrington & Mollena Williams (if you love that, check out Mollena's podcast All That and Mo') Thinking about opening your relationship? Joli has a free salon happening soon to get you started with the 5 pillars you NEED to do it well.

Ken, someone who embraced their darker parts, discusses the concept of shadow work and the importance of accepting and integrating one's inner monsters. They explore the relief that comes with self-recognition and the potential for personal growth. The podcast also touches on hidden desires, fantasies, and the significance of finding support and utilizing creative expression in the process of shadow work.

Having a plan for when your partner goes on a date makes it way more likely that you will both have a positive relationship experience, no matter how the date itself goes. What goes into our plans? We've got three categories and lots of examples of things that help us and have proven to help Joli's clients handle the big emotions of date nights, so dig in! Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Looking for the Neuro-Somatic Intelligence tools we talk about all the time? We've made a FREE video training just for our listeners- find it here

Bringing up non-monogamy can be a shock to your partner's system. But if you never bring it up, you'll never even know what's possible for you. Here's how you can plan for success and make this potentially shocking conversation an opportunity to upgrade your relational skills.  Resources from this episode: The conversation guide: www.jolihamilton.com/easy Our video with tools for nervous system regulation: Neuro-Somatic Intelligence ™ for Navigating Change Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Libby Sinback, from Making Polyamory Work joins Joli for a conversation about one of the BEST parts of shifting from monogamy to non-monogamy: community that supports your authentic self. More connection is why so many of us practice non-monogamy, but it's not always clear how to actually make the community we long for. Listen as we provide both inspiration and practical advice on how to find, create, and enjoy non-monogamous community! Learn more about Libby at https://libbysinback.com/ Hear more from Libby on Making Polyamory Work Podcast Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com Resources and communities mentioned in the episode: The Year of Opening Group with Joli Relational Non-monogamy Circles with Libby Multiamory Patreon Community Normalizing Non-monogamy Community Esther Perel Discussion Group The Daylovers Support Groups Poly.land Discord Community

Is polyamory something innate in you, like an orientation? Is it a practice? A philosophy? A mindset? An identity? A choice?  Being able to describe your approach to polyamory makes it easier to connect with others, build community, and choose partners from a place of enthusiastic, informed consent.  Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

It's our 100th episode of Playing with Fire! This podcast was intended to be 13 episodes to cover each chapter of Joli's first book... and here we are with 100 episodes in and feeling more excited about this shared project than we ever dreamed. Every relationship benefits from a shared purpose (see episode 65), but so often, the shared project defaults to householding and/or kids.  Proactively creating shared purpose beyond the banal is an option. For us, it's been a magnificent addition to our connection. Especially as our kids grow up and we face a (sort-of) empty nest during the college years- it was looking easier to turn to other relationships for creative, vulnerable fun. And then Playing with Fire was born. This episode is highly personal and also designed to be inspirational.  We did what we do whenever we are having a relationship retrospective: one part analysis (Ken's a scrum guy, of course), one part gratitude, and one part weird. I love adding the weird- why even bother being alive if not to be weird? Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

It's normal to want your relationship to feel secure. It's normal to want to individuate. It's normal to want to explore what life can look like beyond the constraints of default monogamy. But how do you actually deal with your specific attachment wounds and still create a love that makes space for multiple loving connections?  Joli & Jessica dove into how attachment theory can help us make a relationship that actually works for us, but we went beyond the surface of attachment theory. Y'all are smart- and she's done a lot of interviews already (google is your friend), so I wanted to go deeper and find out how Jessica weaves other theories into her work and how she helps people move out of relational trauma loops and into the life they desire.  Jealousy, internal family systems/parts work, and narrative therapy... oh, and some sneak peeks of Jessica's upcoming book Polywise! Jessica Fern is a Psychotherapist, Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, and author of the book Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and NonMonomgamy and The Polysecure Workbook. In her international private practice, Jessica works with individuals, couples, and people in multiple-partner relationships who no longer want to be limited by their reactive patterns, cultural conditioning, insecure attachment styles, and past traumas, helping them to embody new possibilities in life and love.  Learn more at  www.JessicaFern.com  Are you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.com

Joli here- how many times have you heard one of these gems?  You're a lot.  You're intimidating.  You're an energizer bunny.  You're hyper-productive.  You must never rest.  You're just too much.  Tell me, who are you comparing me to when you make this pronouncement?  Ken sat down to talk out one of my core wounded parts, the girl who gets told she's intimidating in every way. It was good medicine for me, and I hope listening in offers the same to you.  If you've been told you're too much, I hope I hear more from you. Get louder, dance more wildly, splash color everywhere... be you where I can see, please!