Struggle Care

I’m excited to have Danita Platt on the show today. I didn’t know anyone of color in the field of care tasks until I met her. Her content resonates with me and my views around care tasks, so I hope you’ll enjoy hearing more from Danita!Show Highlights: Who Danita is and how she became an expert on gentle care tasks How our society over the last two generations has moralized care tasks and tied them to the worth of a woman Why we need to rethink our views about care tasks and “being a good woman” that go back to the founding of the US, historically speaking How the concept of “invisible labor” has carried over from colonial days even to today How many white people were able to live the lives they did because of the cheap, exploitable labor of Black women How the Great Migration happened to move many Black families to northern cities from the South How the shift happened to push Black (and white) women to work industrial jobs while men were away during the war How the push is recurring for 1950s homemaking to be viewed as the superior role for women What we DON’T talk about in the fulfilling life of a homemaker How Danita chooses to honor the Black women who had to wash clothes, clean house, and cook meals under duress–with no freedom or choice of their own What Danita would say to women who want to live more joyfully in their homes and experience more freedom and quality of life  Resources:Connect with Danita: TikTok and InstagramMentioned in this episode: Sisters in Hate: American Women on the Front Lines of White NationalismConnect with KC: TikTok, Instagram, and Website Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I’ve never been a perfectionist. I’ve never cared if my bed is made or my handwriting is neat or if a picture on the wall is hanging perfectly. I’m not bothered by things being a little “out of place.” So imagine my surprise to discover that my whole life is run by perfectionism–a different kind of perfectionism. That’s today’s topic on the show. Join me to find out more!Show Highlights: How an 18-month-stint as a teenager in a long-term rehab facility turned me into a moral perfectionist How a militaristic 12-step program and an evangelical church forced me to examine every daily decision for pure, altruistic motives How this type of perfectionism told me that I had to be “good enough” to be loved and accepted How even self-improvement is approached differently with moral perfectionism Why it’s impossible to live with moral perfectionism The first step toward change: recognizing that I am a moral perfectionist who is trying to earn my worth through altruism and unselfishness Why you are not alone if you feel like a moral perfectionist An excerpt from my book, How to Keep House While Drowning, chapter 3  Resources:Connect with KC: TikTok, Instagram, and Website Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Today’s discussion is about high-control groups. If you aren’t familiar with this phrase, think of it as the clinical term for a cult, and most of us are familiar with that word. Let’s talk about it with my guest, Chris Wilson, who has spent many years studying this topic. She has a Bachelor’s degree in Sociology, a Master’s in Religion, and is working on a Master’s in Industrial and Organizational Psychology. Join us to learn more from Chris!Show Highlights: Why a high-control group is usually toxic, with the abuse of power and control that induces trauma in people How Chris witnessed abuse and experienced trauma in her religious upbringing–and became passionately determined to help others KC’s story of teenage drug addiction, rehab, and exposure to high-control groups How a recovery group that helps a person can also be a high-control group What makes a group a high-control group They use control tactics and don’t teach coping mechanisms. They prioritize predatory collectivism. Why not all religions with strict rules and regulations are high-control groups How high-control groups function with behavior control and punishment How high-control group tactics can show up in the toxic workplace How high-control groups implement information control and use thought-stopping cliches to stop people from evaluating what is happening to them How high-control groups remove a person’s ability and opportunity to make all decisions about even the most mundane things in daily life Tips from Chris and KC for joining a group and being aware: Balance your passion with rationality. Connect with others in the group and ask specifically about the “downsides” of the group. Beware if the group touts themselves as the ONLY ONE doing things right. Beware if the group leader claims to be clairvoyant, infallible, or claims to know you better than you know yourself.  Resources:Connect with KC: TikTok, Instagram, and Website Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Licensed Professional Counselor and former supervisor, Heidi Smith, joins the host to discuss disingenuous communication, manipulation, and boundaries. They explore attention-seeking behavior, the trump card phenomenon, using trauma as an excuse, and the importance of being well in relationships. The podcast also delves into the dynamics of 'trump cards' in communication and the challenges faced by individuals with deep trauma.

Today I’m joined by one of my favorite TikTok creators, Ann Russell. She has 1.9 million followers and is the author of How to Clean Everything: A Practical, Down to Earth Guide for Anyone Who Doesn’t Know Where to Start. Show Highlights: Why we all deserve to feel safe in our homes and unjudged on standards that we don’t deem important How Ann has come to know how to clean everything Why every cleaning task follows the same process: “Find the solvent that dissolves the stain without damaging the surface.” How Ann creates a safe space for people to ask their cleaning questions without shame Why much of our care/cleaning task knowledge is bound up in the romanticization of our identity How Ann approached housekeeping tasks at home when her four children were young How Ann responds when her career as a professional cleaner is belittled Why basic cleaning tasks shouldn’t cost a lot of money or take a lot of time How consumption and capitalism impact how we feel about our homes Why keeping a perfect home doesn’t protect you from bad things in life or bring success and happiness How “Cleanliness is next to godliness” has been used as a big stick against certain groups of people Why people grow up thinking they are “bad people” when they cannot keep house  How to tackle old crayon marks off walls  Resources:Connect with Ann Russell: TikTok Connect with KC: TikTok, Instagram, and Website Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Today’s episode is a Q & A. While you listen, I invite you to relax and unwind or use the time to care for yourself gently in whichever way you prefer. I received questions from a working neurodivergent mom struggling to maintain a functional space, grappling with whether or not she should hire a housekeeper, and from someone living with a messy boyfriend with ADHD, looking for a way to establish a cleaning routine without creating resentment.I share some strategies to help people with ADHD become more functional and explain that struggling to keep your home clean and tidy has nothing to do with your character, work ethic, or who you are as an individual. Let’s get into it! Show highlights: Is it beneficial or detrimental to hire a housekeeper if you’re working full-time and struggling with ADHD, RSD, anxiety, and major depression? Why paying someone to keep your home clean does not make you a failure. How taking a different perspective can make asking for help much less distressing. How can you establish a cleaning routine without resentment when your partner has ADHD and often forgets his promises to clean up? What happens in the brain when someone has ADHD? What is working memory? Why is it sometimes hard for people with ADHD to complete one-off under-stimulating tasks? How task-bundling and ritualization helped me (someone with ADHD) become more functional. How isolating the bottleneck, or the step in a task they dread most, can help people with ADHD become more functional. Links and resources:Connect with KC: TikTok, Instagram, and Website Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While DrowningGet KC’s decluttering workbook when you sign up for her newsletter  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Julie Lause, AKA the Bossy Mom, joins me today! She and I met and became friends on TikTok.Most new parents face the pressure of trying to make sense of things and figuring out how to get everything done. When Julie had her daughter, she was a school principal three years into a school turnaround project. Yet she still managed to keep her home organized by setting up systems. The Bossy House project started because she had friends who were bosses at their jobs, but things at home were a mess. So they needed help. Julie is a Co-founder and Chief of Schools of a small charter school organization in New Orleans. She does the Bossy House project on the side to help families put systems in place at home. Let’s dive into how she does that!Show highlights: How the Bossy House started. The conflicting feelings Julie had after becoming a mom. How Julie’s daughter’s “table bedroom” came about. How the pandemic inspired many of those who took Julie’s Be the Boss of Your Home course re-imagine their homes in the wackiest of ways! The life-changing benefits of customizing your home in any way you choose! What keeps most people from making creative and functional changes to their houses? What you need to consider when re-imagining your house. How Julie helps moms develop the courage and confidence they need to create a personal area in the home that allows them to feel calm and happy. How Julie deals with people who have anxiety around clutter and clearing up. Why I believe that anxiety disorders are underdiagnosed in women. Links and resources:Connect with Julie: TikTok (@The Bossy House) and websiteSend in your email to get Julie’s free workshop on setting up and customizing your command center at your house.Connect with KC: TikTok, Instagram, and Website Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While DrowningGet KC’s decluttering workbook when you sign up for her newsletter  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Clutter is something we all have to deal with at times. The biggest problem with clutter is not the item itself, but it’s in the emotional attachment we feel. This episode comes in response to a recent question I received: “Do you have any advice for going through boxes of stuff I’m emotionally attached to?” Let’s take a closer look at this important part in your functional space journey.Show Highlights: The only reason to declutter How to identify what you can do with items you don’t plan to keep Why your decluttering goals are important–and may differ from someone else’s The steps to decluttering by categories: Is it broken, expired, incomplete, or unusable? What do I want to keep? When it comes to keeping or getting rid of items, which is more important to me–the freedom of having it gone or the security in knowing it’s there? For sentimental items: Will this person know I’ve gotten rid of this item? If I get rid of this item, will I feel guilty momentarily or for a long time? Is the guilt I feel for getting rid of this item heavier than the weight I feel from having it around? Why you have to honor your emotional context while aiming for functionalism When you might need extra support in decluttering Why it’s better to keep sentimental items out of joy–not guilt Workable solutions for excessive sentimental items What I’ve learned about getting rid of clothes Resources: Connect with KC: TikTok, Instagram, and Website (Click the “Hygiene” tab under “Resources” for more information about teeth brushing!)Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Dental hygiene is a Struggle Care issue that elicits very strong feelings, as evidenced by the number of responses I receive to any social media post on this topic. Why do so many people feel strongly about brushing their teeth? Let’s talk about it with today’s guest!Taylor McFarland is a pediatric dentist, wife, and mother who creates content on social media about dental care. She and I follow each other on TikTok, and I knew she was the perfect person to help us dive into the problem of why brushing teeth is a big Struggle Care topic for many people. Show Highlights: How Dr. Taylor, as a pediatric dentist, came to the unique viewpoint of understanding why mental health issues cause people to struggle with teeth brushing Why everyone who experiences this struggle thinks they are THE ONLY ONE Helpful tips on how to find a dentist who will most likely be more understanding Why it helps to be honest about your specific barriers to brushing The purpose behind brushing—and why it’s OK to skip the toothpaste! How to “pick the pain” that will increase your functioning The purpose of toothpaste–(Fluoride is the key!) Why sodium lauryl sulfate is usually the ingredient that bothers most people who have toothpaste sensitivity Dr. Taylor’s tips for people bothered by toothpaste, and toothbrush bristles How apps can make brushing more tolerable, especially with electric toothbrushes Why it sometimes helps to brush your teeth in a different place, like in the shower or the kitchen Why charcoal toothpaste is NOT the best option for daily use Resources:Connect with Dr. Taylor: TikTok, Instagram, and Website Connect with KC: TikTok, Instagram, and Website (Click the “Hygiene” tab under “Resources” for more information about teeth brushing!)Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Today’s topic is weaponized incompetence. If you aren’t familiar with the term, stay tuned and learn more with us. I’m thrilled to be joined again by Dr. Lesley Cook, who is a psychologist and good friend. She lives in Virginia and works mostly with neurodivergent kids, adolescents, and adults. Join us for the conversation!Show Highlights: An explanation of “weaponized incompetence” and what it means How weaponized incompetence applies to the division of household labor  The key to analyzing weaponized incompetence: Why is it happening? Why this is a tricky topic, especially for those who are neurodivergent and feel challenged Why dignity should be preserved in these conversations with a partner Why it’s OK to set boundaries even if someone is unintentionally hurting you Ways to solve problems without shame or blame The difference in functional barriers and weaponized incompetence How to talk through solutions and support for a partner How “maternal gatekeeping” plays into the dynamic Why couples need to have conversations about care tasks, household chores, and childcare BEFORE they have kids Why there is a difference between weaponized incompetence and learned helplessness Dr. Lesley’s tips: “Approach your partner in good faith, open up the conversation, and ask for collaboration in finding something that works better for BOTH partners.” Why the question should be, “Is exploitation happening?” Why you can’t go on appearances regarding a division of labor How to begin the approach with a partner or child: “This isn’t working for me; how can we figure this out together?” Resources:Connect with Dr. Lesley: TikTok and InstagramConnect with KC: TikTok and InstagramGet KC’s book, How to Keep House While DrowningHelpful resources mentioned in this episode: How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn Fair Play by Eve Rodsky      The Sensory Child Gets Organized by Carolyn Dalgliesh     Ready for Take-Off by Theresa E. Laurie Maitland and Patricia O. Quinn                 A Radical Guide for Women with ADHD by Sari Solden, Michelle Frank, and Ellen Littman Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices