14: Weaponized Incompetence with Dr. Lesley Cook

Today’s topic is weaponized incompetence. If you aren’t familiar with the term, stay tuned and learn more with us. I’m thrilled to be joined again by Dr. Lesley Cook, who is a psychologist and good friend. She lives in Virginia and works mostly with neurodivergent kids, adolescents, and adults. Join us for the conversation!

Show Highlights:

An explanation of “weaponized incompetence” and what it means
How weaponized incompetence applies to the division of household labor
The key to analyzing weaponized incompetence: Why is it happening?
Why this is a tricky topic, especially for those who are neurodivergent and feel challenged
Why dignity should be preserved in these conversations with a partner
Why it’s OK to set boundaries even if someone is unintentionally hurting you
Ways to solve problems without shame or blame
The difference in functional barriers and weaponized incompetence
How to talk through solutions and support for a partner
How “maternal gatekeeping” plays into the dynamic
Why couples need to have conversations about care tasks, household chores, and childcare BEFORE they have kids
Why there is a difference between weaponized incompetence and learned helplessness
Dr. Lesley’s tips: “Approach your partner in good faith, open up the conversation, and ask for collaboration in finding something that works better for BOTH partners.”
Why the question should be, “Is exploitation happening?”
Why you can’t go on appearances regarding a division of labor
How to begin the approach with a partner or child: “This isn’t working for me; how can we figure this out together?”

Resources:

Connect with Dr. Lesley: TikTok and Instagram

Connect with KC: TikTok and Instagram

Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning

Helpful resources mentioned in this episode:

How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn

Fair Play by Eve Rodsky

The Sensory Child Gets Organized by Carolyn Dalgliesh

Ready for Take-Off by Theresa E. Laurie Maitland and Patricia O. Quinn

A Radical Guide for Women with ADHD by Sari Solden, Michelle Frank, and Ellen Littman

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