There is a time to pause and a time to act. We explored this distinction in last month’s Kota. In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I share some of the ideas that came out of our conversation. “Books are mirrors: You only see in them what you already have inside you.” Carlos Ruiz Zafón, The Shadow of the Wind I recently chatted with my friend, Adam Kawalek about what it means to “coach for insight”. As coaches, we are committed to the principle that insights, revelations, and answers don’t come from the outside-in. They aren’t imparted by the coach. They are brought to life from the inside-out. And the coach’s questions, reflections, and invitations assist this process. Coaching For Insight Inspiration is like a candle inside us, waiting to be rekindled. An “aha!” moment, doesn’t happen when something completely new arrives. It’s when something outside us strikes the match that catches the wick within, which then illuminates the torch that casts its light on the environment around it. I love that as a description of coaching. We play with matches (not something I normally advocate), and see what it ready to catch a spark inside us. Expectation vs Expectancy There is a difference between expectation and expectancy. Expectation is a weight that can stop us from seeing things as they really are. Expectancy is a nerve-tickling buzz. A helium spirit. It is ready to flow through the contours of this landscape without judgement. It is flexible, adaptable, and prepared to make something memorable out of something undesirable. The pause of expectancy allows us to receive what is there. The push of expectation is an entitled demand to repeat what is no longer necessarily there. It burdens the present with judgement and comparison based on a story from the past. Making Inspired Decisions Where do you feel insights in your body? Our bodies tell us a lot about intuitive responses to ideas, people, and environments. We don’t think twice about using terms like “gut feelings”, “broken heart”, “sinking feeling”, “butterflies in the stomach”, and “jelly legs”. These describe physical responses to something going on around us. The body might say yes or no but the mind rationalises its way to another decision. In our Kota conversation, we talked about learning to hear what the body is saying so that we can make more informed choices and inspired decisions. Under-thinking and Overthinking Under-thinking can occur when we only listen to the body and don’t pause to ask whether the uncomfortable sensation is part of doing something important to us. For example, feeling nervous before a performance. If I under-think the situation, I might follow the urge to remove myself from it, which in turn stops me from accessing its meaningful rewards. Overthinking happens when we get ahead of ourselves and worry about things beyond our control. Fear of failure/success, logistical anxieties, and catastrophising everything that could go wrong – however unlikely – can turn an exciting opportunity into a pressurised ball of dread. It’s important to maintain an open line of communication between these thoughts and feelings. Connecting with the small glimmers of joy, holding lightly, and reminding ourselves that this feeling will pass. I feel this strongly because it is important. It will not break or make me. I feel creatively energised and alive. It is a chance to play, connect, and do something I love. And if all else fails, we might anticipate the beautiful feeling that is awaiting us when it’s over. The out-breath of relief. Where do you feel insight? Is there a difference between toward and away from insight feelings in your physical body? When something is an invitation toward a desirable place, where do you feel it? Shoulders? Stomach? Lungs? Legs? I get it in my belly. How would you describe that feeling? Flutter, leaping, twirling, pulsing – they are words that come to mind for me. How about the opposite? When an away from insight arrives. When the body says “no thanks”. How does that feel? Where do you experience it? For me it is tension, tightening, throbbing, trapped, shrinking, constricted, and hunched. We might observe and notice this information, and use it to make good decisions. Both forms of energy can lead us to under-think our actions. To push when we need to pause. Connected vs Panicked Decisions In any moment we might ask ourselves about the energy underpinning our decision? And what story is driving this energy? Are we in a state of internal connection or panic? One way to gauge this is to assess whether we feel able to put space and time between the stimulus and our reaction. If not, why not? Where is the pressure to “act now!” coming from? Is there genuine life or death urgency that requires we push, or has something triggered a false alarm survival response pattern? Pause. Notice. Become aware of the stories, comments, and environmental cues that seem to pull this chord. Take a breath and come back to a place of safe connection. Harnessing The Creative Moment(um) We talked about the space between insight and action. When an idea lands and new possibility occurs to us as more than a vague “wouldn’t it be nice” wish. This insight lights the candle and illuminates a step or two on the path ahead. It feels like something that could actually happen. The Creative Pause Welcoming the insight is enough for this moment. It’s not necessarily the time to push forwards and get bogged down in details and decisions. Just allow this new creative possibility to breathe. The Creative Push The time will come when you’re ready to explore, probe, and push this possibility. What does it want to be? How might it come to life? What are the options? This is a time to act with expectancy. Notice what’s going on within. Which ideas feel alive and exciting? Which ones feel old and weathered? The Oscillation of Inspiration Inspiration is about breath. Breathing in, breathing out, and allowing the cycle to flow into, through, and beyond us. Our job is to keep it flowing. Without forcing, without stalling. Remembering that when we hold your breath, we lose it.

“If we are going to understand and appreciate each other’s differences, then we need to be able to trust the space between us.” Charlie Jones & Brigid Russell (From Trust in the Spaces Between Us) Connection isn’t always about closing the gap between us. Sometimes it’s simply about recognising the space that exists. Allowing it. Trusting it. Letting go of our need to possess and control it. Just like silence can leave us feeling awkward, the idea of space can make us uncomfortable at times. It’s tempting to see it as something to fill. We might try dominating it by forcing agreement or demanding sameness at the level of difference. But what if those uncertain, mysterious, incomplete spaces are what allows life to unfold in its weird and wonderful ways? In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I chat with Brigid Russell, who founded #SpacesForListening with Charlie Jones. Brigid invited me to Spaces For Listening last month. It was a quite beautiful experience that allowed some slow-burning inner shifts to take occur. It opened the door for lingering inspiration from its simple structure and the willingness of participants to embrace its flow. The session provided an opportunity to enjoy some protected space to think out loud. To connect, untangle, and feel the spark of inspiration as we bounced into and around each other without interruption, hierarchy, or introductions. It felt like everyone was equal. There is something lovely about sharing space without knowing anything about the background, role, or status of other people. Brigid’s insightful probing tweets always inspire me. You’ll hear some of them throughout the episode. She has a thoughtful, open, and firm-back-soft-front gentleness that implicitly and playfully rebels against the forceful certainty underpinning a lot of modern discourse. “What on earth happens when we step into a formal meeting, and seem only to see the professional roles, hierarchical titles, & siloed labels? Why do we all let that happen? We’re all people with fears, doubts, ideas, & hopes. People who care. What stops us just meeting as people?” Conditions For Listening In the episode, Brigid and I talk about the conditions for listening. In particular we explored the role of limits when it comes to curating space for it to actually happen. It doesn’t take long to listen to another person. It doesn’t take much to feel heard. And yet, we can overcomplicate or ignore it because we’re too busy. How do we make time for the important stuff when our real urgency demands attention? Space For Growth “Some things take time. Not because we haven’t found a quicker way! They just take time. Time to feel how things feel over & over. To notice what we avoid, what’s too hard to say out loud, traps we fall into, & when we’re ready to notice. Some things just take time & they need to.” We often seek faster ways of getting to where we’re going. But what if it’s the pace at which we try to achieve results that is causing the need for these solutions in the first place? What if patience, surrender, and the willingness to sit with the space between, is what we need to bravely step towards? Space For Trust “It is not about creating cosy safe spaces in which we all seem to agree, and reach false harmony. This is about spaces in which we can really hear each other, stick with the discomfort, and then find new clumsy answers together.” How do we maintain connection and trust when we disagree with one another? Sharing Space With Everyone Life is dynamic, we are constantly moving and bouncing off each other. The space between us can feel cramped at times. We move at different speeds and rhythms and may find ourselves surrounded by people going at a completely different pace. What can lanes swimming tell us about life? Meaning Lurks Between The Lines “What if we could see it as ‘life in progress’? Strive less, live more. Less frenetically, more slowly & gently. Live with incompleteness and contradictions.” Meaning is found in the space between, often when we stop trying to describe/articulate it. It’s found in small actions, exchanged glances, and shared moments. Meaning isn’t forced and it can’t be reached before its ready.

What do the photographs you take and choose to share say about you? What might your photos be saying TO you? I wonder if you’ve ever thought about those questions before? Photoyoga For Your Mind started in 2017 as an organic combination of creativity, movement, and inner listening. It grew from a place of burnout and a quest for healing and recovery. In the wake of burnout, Tuula researched widely and developed a deeper understanding about stress, the nervous system, and the body’s trauma responses. But she noticed that hoarding information and talking ABOUT these things was not enough to bring the calm and deep awareness required for healing. So she turned to the device in her pocket and her love of creativity. In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I am excited to introduce my good friend and creative collaborator, Tuula Ahde. She is one of the original creators of this beautiful course, Photoyoga For Your Mind, which we have translated from Finnish into English and integrated into The Haven. In our conversation, Tuula and I chat about the healing potential of creativity. We discuss the beautiful things that can happen when we slow down and listen to what wants to speak within, around, and through us. We might not think of ourselves as such, but nearly everyone is a photographer these days. Most of us carry cameras in our pockets. Pulling a phone out and capturing a shot whenever the mood takes us is simple. But how mindful are we of this process? What goes on when we take the photo? And how do we feel when we view them? Photography can be an excellent metaphor for how we engage with our lives. The challenges, the possibilities, the shadows, and the parts only become apparent when we take the time to notice and reflect on what’s happening. What is Photoyoga For Your Mind? Photoyoga For Your Mind is a journey of creative and inner discovery, where we explore photography as a metaphor and a tool. It helps us consider the hopes, challenges, and possibilities within and around us. The course is built around seven parts. These are delivered weekly and include an aspect of photography that creatively relates to personal development and reflection. Focus: We will pause to look at ourselves, to see where and who we are right now Light and shadows: We will be hunting shadows and getting familiar with their presence in the world Shutter and shield: We will be identifying the sound we make behind our shields and recognising how it speaks uniquely through our creative voice Story: We will reflect on the story we are writing with our lives, filling in plot holes and adjusting character arcs Cropping, boundaries: We will be embracing the spaces, finding the edges, and cropping out the unnecessary noise Editing, post-processing and recovery: We will be setting habits for processing, learning to recognise what we need, where it’s needed, and how to find it Wrap-up and closure: We will be bringing everything together, as we notice how the end of something is also a new beginning https://vimeo.com/839965423/582ba3c5c7?share=copy Fancy joining us? Learn more here. How Did Photoyoga Start? Photoyoga was co-created by Tuula Ahde in 2017 alongside a photographer and psychotherapist. They had both intuitively used photography as part of their recovery. They inadvertently discovered novel ways of combining simple creative acts with developing deeper self-understanding, awareness, and expression. And since then have journeyed with many people in building new resources for recovery and healing. Creativity can give us a voice when we can’t find the words. It can nurture strength when we feel broken. And it can provide simple actions to take when we feel unmotivated or unclear about what to do. Tuula has been running Photoyoga on her own since 2019. Until now, she has run the course with Finnish-speaking participants. So we were excited to introduce The Haven Edition in 2022, the first version translated and adapted from Finnish into English. Permission To Find Your Comfort Zone The technical quality of your photos is not as important as the emotions and personal significance they hold. Photoyoga is a mindful and intuitive approach to photography, using any equipment available – for instance, Tuula exclusively uses mobile phones for her shots. Sharing our photos and reflections is a powerful aspect of Photoyoga. It’s essential to have a platform to do so, which is why it works so well in the safe privacy of The Haven. Being receptive to giving and receiving comments can enhance the experience and increase self-awareness and personal development. You can contribute your photos and add encouraging words to those that others share. You are not obliged to share your photos, but if you’re willing to try, you might be amazed at how much more you can discover in them. Moreover, as you read about the thoughts and emotions your pictures have sparked in others, you’ll begin to notice more about yourself. Letting Go Throughout our time together, you will also learn how to pick the images that personally mean the most to you. As you let go of the desire to please others or look a certain way, you will develop the confidence to discern and recognise which images truly impress you. In other words, the ones that inspire you to stop, look, and feel something. There are no expectations or pressures on you. But people tend to get the most out of this journey when they are willing to challenge themselves slightly when responding to the prompts. We encourage you to be vulnerable with the prompts and to return to your comfort zone when sharing what you feel safe and comfortable within the group. A Photoyoga Prompt We share a Photoyoga-style prompt that Tuula created especially for this episode. It’s a chance to slow down, pause, and mindfully connect with your surroundings, yourself, and the present moment. What People Said Last Time “I thoroughly enjoyed the Photoyoga!! Even though I didn’t do the last few lessons with the group, I did go through each one. It’s such a beautiful, meaningful and fun course. Thank you and Tuula!!” Gillian “I learned so much about myself (again!) through not only doing the prompts and writing about them but hearing the reactions of others, especially Tuula. She sees deeply into people and is so generous with her attention to everyone in Photoyoga. Learning about other people’s stories helps me know we have so many shared thoughts and feelings even though our experiences differ. It was such a wonderful, supportive, and positive way to get to know other Havenites better. I can’t wait to do it again. And Tuula is the consummate guide throughout.” Zoie “I was looking for a photography class that would push me to greater depths and insights than I was getting by just sharing photos on Instagram. The Photoyoga class gave me exactly that: Tuula got us to really explore inside ourselves as we photography the outside world, and I ended up learning a lot about myself as a result. I also really appreciated going on the journey with other students and ended up becoming more excited about taking new kinds of pictures (something that didn’t happen with a course I took from a prestigious photography school). I wholeheartedly recommend Photoyoga to anyone interested in taking pictures!” – Emmon

Would you say you’re an ambitious person? What does ambition mean to you? After rediscovering an old review for the Atlum Schema LP, I was reflecting on this word. It celebrated its fourteenth anniversary in June, and I found the full video of the launch show from Harbour Lights Cinema in Southampton. The review said: “This is an ambitious, almost audacious debut from Atlum Schema. Back in the mid-eighties this would have been called ‘big music’ full of ideas, aspiration and emotion. The album has an incredible depth and variety, some memorable songs and sounds excellent. ‘Hold On’ could easily be a hit single if it got any airplay, and elsewhere ‘I Can’ is a moving story of lost love and regret. This is the sort of album that is either going to disappear without trace and be picked up on in 20 years as a lost classic, or it might just make its way onto this year’s Mercury Prize list. Either way, give it a listen now. You will be intrigued and impressed.” – New Sound Wales Other than having a comforting and terrifying realisation that the album is now only six years away from being picked up as a lost classic (it didn’t make it onto the 2009 Mercury Prize list), I was struck by the word “ambitious”. We were chatting about it in a Haven Kota gathering too. Not everyone relates to ambition, imagination, and goals similarly. Retrospective Ambition In a post from the old blog, I wrote about ambition: “I have always been highly motivated and driven to succeed at the things that pique my curiosity. In some senses, I am very ambitious. But my ambitions are difficult to define, and as a multipotentialite, they can be hard to measure.” I still resonate with this. I’m not sure “ambitious” or “audacious” are words anyone would use to describe me as a person. At least, I never have ambitious or audacious plans. So this difference between the creator and WHAT we create intrigues me. Can we do ambitious things without being “ambitious” people? What does it mean to have ambition? I didn’t set out to create anything ambitious or audacious. I rarely do. But things can spiral occasionally. Once the ideas gather momentum, things can get a little out of hand. This kind of ambition doesn’t feel ambitious when it’s happening. At least, not in the way I think of ambition. It’s not driven by a desire to achieve. It emerges from the playful question, “What if?” Experimental and Conceptual Ambition In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I take the idea that some people are Conceptual types and others are Experimental types and thread the notion of ambition through it. I first explored this distinction with Kendra Patterson on the theme of late bloomers. What’s The Difference? More conceptually oriented people can imagine a future outcome and figure out the best path to get from here to there. In contrast, experimental types start where they are and build incrementally, accumulating and integrating discoveries and experiences that take them from one step to the next. Imagine Where You’ll Be in Five Year’s Time Conceptual people can base their ambitions on what they imagine the future to look, feel, sound, smell, and taste like. But this is not as easy for experimental types. Imagining what life will look like in five years is impossible. As an experimental friend said to me recently, “Ask me where I’ll be in five years, and I’ll have to give you a call to let you know in five years”. In other words, life is unlikely to look like you can imagine it looking when you’re experimentally minded. Things will be learned and changed along the way. Our common assumptions and ways of operating in modern society build around conceptual models. We are encouraged to use labels, boxes, and measures for everything. And yet, so much of the world (and humanity) doesn’t fit that way of thinking. Common Conceptual Assumptions A conceptual mindset can be beneficial at times. It helps us stay focused and organised on particular things that need certain types of attention. It’s perfect for short-term goals and projects. In the episode, I consider the usefulness of some commonly accepted notions like “always begin with the end in mind”, genres, and “what you want to be when you grow up”. Ambition and Imagination I often hear people say that we need figures brave enough to dream big and imagine radically new horizons to get us out of the mess we’re in as a world. I recoil at this idea. It’s a jump to a conceptual framework that makes sense in theory. Still, it relies on individual visionaries and, as such, falls way short of our collective potential to imagine. So I wonder if we ignore the collective power of experimental imagination at our peril. I want to see a future based less on ambitious individual vision and more on building through creative collaborative wondering (and wandering). A future that grows piece by piece in the direction we have chosen to head together. Forget utopian promised lands flowing with milk and honey. Experimental imagination grows from the inside out. It can’t be conceptualised initially because we have no idea where it will take us. Looking back at how far we’ve come, we will say, “What an ambitious and audacious journey”. But only because we didn’t know we’d end up here en route to where we were going next. Ambition and Limits It’s interesting to consider the different relationships with limits concerning ambition for experimental and conceptual people. Experimental types might appear ambitious because their work keeps growing through the limits they encounter. An album might sound like an ambitious piece of work, but only because it wasn’t imagined to end in the way it did before it was started. It would be impossible to conceptualise the end because the end emerges as each step leads to the next along the way. Conceptual types identify an ambition from the outset and work towards the limits they set. They can dream big and set huge goals for themselves. The goal itself sets the limits. Anchors and Ambition “An anchor keeps a vessel at bay, planted in the harbour, unable to explore the freedom of the sea” – The Minimalists We discussed this in our Open Kota conversation—the image of anchors in our lives and how they can provide us with different things. Does an anchor give us freedom or does it inhibit our freedom? It depends… These are not permanent positions but places we might end up in for a while. Safely Anchored: securely integrated and committed to something or somewhere – finding meaning and connection Safely Unanchored: free to explore, discover, and grow (not needing to worry about ending up somewhere new) Unsafely Anchored: trapped, stuck, and unable to let go (being held onto by something that isn’t helping us grow) Unsafely Unanchored: aimless drift without appropriate resources (panic mode or giving up because there’s no obvious way to land) Foundational Bedrocks of Life We might feel safely/unsafely anchored/unanchored to these core areas of life: Place – physical environmentsPeople – relationshipsProjects – our occupations (e.g. work, school, hobbies, interests etc.)Philosophy – our core personal valuesPerson (Self) – our self-awareness of natural temperament What’s your relationship like with each of those areas right now?

Byung-Chul Han, philosopher and author of 'The Disappearance of Ritual' explores the differences between rituals and habits, festivals and events. The podcast delves into finding tranquility through rituals, contrasting them with the rush of novelty in the modern world. Rituals offer a sense of home in time, allowing us to come home, let go, and stop chasing fleeting moments.

We recently finished reading The Courage to Be Disliked: How to Free Yourself, Change Your Life, and Achieve Real Happiness by Kishimi and Koga in The Haven Book Club. In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I share reflections inspired by the five nights of discussions between the philosopher and youth in the book. Why We Need The Courage To Be Disliked The philosopher uses Alfred Adler’s Individual Psychology to help the young man consider ways to change his life. It revolves around the premise that true freedom comes from having the courage to be disliked. This courage to be disliked isn’t about wanting to be disliked. It’s about being OK if and when people dislike us, which as long as we are alive and engaging in interpersonal relationships, will happen. We can’t control what other people think, feel, and believe about us…that’s their task. The Cost of Seeking Approval: Losing Ourselves in the Quest for Acceptance We can lose ourselves if we fear those we admire disliking us. We might park our core values and inner compass if it means being accepted and recognised by the “right” people. This reflects a script we write early in life through our drive for safety and belonging. Who must I be? What do I need to do and not do to remain safe and protected? Self-Worth, Achievement, and The Courage To Be Disliked I recently heard a sportsperson say, “I love winning, but what makes me a dangerous opponent is that I don’t mind losing. I’ve done it often, and it’s not that bad.” This is a particular type of freedom. He has separated losing from his story of self-worth. Acceptance at the level of being (whether or not I win, I am OK) rather than at the level of doing (I must win to be worthy of acceptance). The courage to be disliked is the same. If someone doesn’t like me, it’s their task. Although it’s preferable to be appreciated, I can’t compel anyone else to respect me. That’s up to them. Does The Past Determine Our Future, or Can We Change It Our life is not a script we have to live by, handed to us by someone or something in the past, but something we write in the here and now. While past events influence the story we live, they don’t determine what happens next. Determining Blame and Finding Fault “Who can we blame?” is a question that permeates society today. Unfortunately, it’s often our first response. As such, we might spend time pointing fingers, looking over our shoulders, and covering our tracks, ironically creating a more dangerous world to protect ourselves from. Unhappiness As a Choice The young man also adopts a victim mentality, which is evident in his conclusion that he would be happier if he were only like his friend. But, of course, he knows he cannot be another person. So, he permits himself not to accept himself by telling a story about why other people have lives easier and better than his. Interpersonal Relationship Problems and The Social Shadow According to Adler, the primary task of a person’s behaviour is to be self-reliant (responsible for our judgements, choices, and beliefs) and to live in harmony with society (a conscious development and awareness of social connectedness and community feeling). Self-reliance isn’t about becoming the proverbial island and doing everything independently. Instead, it’s about recognising what we are responsible for so we don’t interfere with other people’s tasks. An Age of Connected Loneliness and The Social Shadow If we interfere in this for one another, we create disconnection, distrust, and loneliness. Loneliness, in this sense, isn’t being without people; it is having people around but feeling alienated from them. The prevalence of loneliness in our modern world reveals a paradox of increasing connectivity and isolation. Despite being more interconnected than ever, we also experience greater isolation. Loneliness arises from a lack of connection with others. The more disconnected we feel from people, the more intense our loneliness becomes. It’s important to remember that communication alone does not constitute a genuine relationship. Inferiority, Superiority, and Equality One’s inferiority/superiority complex tends to place blame on others for all problems. This mindset fosters envy and resentment and creates enemies, further perpetuating this negative outlook on the world. This pattern is prevalent in both politics and social media today. Why do so many people struggle to enjoy the success they work hard to reach? Because they build it through a lens of competition, the foundation of which is a complex landscape “overflowing with enemies”. Adler describes a healthy feeling of inferiority emerging through our relationship within ourselves rather than in comparison to others. We have a playful and intuitive knowledge about what we want to improve. We are drawn to plant, grow, and harvest. This is baked into our sense of purpose and meaning as we survive and thrive. Likewise, a healthy desire for superiority is not related to our position compared with others but to our “ideal self”. We are improving ourselves and the conditions around us. The ideal self is not a place we can reach but an organising structure around which we make choices that support a meaningful lifestyle. Holding Boundaries and Letting Go Of Other People’s Tasks Boundaries are not about shutting people out but understanding how to separate tasks and discard those that don’t belong to us. We shouldn’t mistake separating tasks with separating ourselves from one another as humans. Encouragement Not Praise In Punished By Rewards, Alfie Kohn looks at the evidence against the common assumption that people change their behaviour through positive reinforcement like incentives and praise. He points out the conspicuous absence of the long-term in the evidence people use to support rewards, leading us to some unhelpful conclusions. People DO change their behaviour in the short run when presented with positive outcomes for doing so, but this makes us dependent on external motivation. When the rewards are dropped, so too is the behaviour. It turns out that we are not incentivised by the behaviour but by the incentive. The rather dispiriting conclusion is that we are less likely to act from intrinsic meaning and community feeling when our reality is built around systematic incentives and rewards. Beware of The Cookie Cutter En-courage-ment is about helping give rise to courage in another and supporting them in becoming more of themselves. Not moulding them into who we think they should be (or who we need them to be for our cookie-cutter convenience). The Freedom of Being Disliked When our sense of self-worth is tied to external rewards, breaking from the fear of what people think (and the desire to be liked) can feel impossible. This underpins people-pleasing patterns. In this sense, being liked is praise and being disliked is punishment. So we might gravitate towards doing what we hope will get us recognition. And we avoid doing what we’ve learned people reject. No One Lives At The Centre of The World Narcissism is underpinned by a sense of entitlement to success, power, and control over others. As a result, some people place themselves at the centre of the world and blame their struggles on external factors. There is a distinction between the centre of the world and the centre of our own life. Community Feeling and The Many Centres of The World Individualism becomes toxic when it removes us from the collective story and leaves us fighting for our place in the group (the feeling that it’s OK to be here). Community feeling isn’t based on conditional belonging within a particular context (e.g. the household, school, workplace, or neighbourhood). Instead, it covers regions, nations, continents, humanity, all living things, non-living entities, and the entire axis of time from the past into the future. The Storm In a Teacup Looking at it this way serves a purpose, providing an anchor of connection and perspective when facing overwhelming and hopeless situations—for example, a toxic workplace, political turmoil, bullying at school, or an unbearable family environment. Drawing community feeling from outside the proverbial storm in a teacup (shrinking the whole world to a single place in time) might take the edge off the immediate challenge and give us a foundation to establish a purposeful path forward. Respect For Authority The world doesn’t have a centre. So, no one (not even the most recognised or influential person) is more deserving of belonging than anyone else, not at the level of being. The ultimate show of respect is to allow space for humans to be humans. Equal at the level of being regardless of age, gender, race, sexuality, intelligence, etc. To Live in the Here and Now Life is like a piece of music. The goal is not to reach the end. It’s to move in the rhythm and melody of the here and now. And we play our part in the music of this moment, contributing, collaborating, and creating. For human beings, life is about more than survival. We are creatures of meaning and connection, with the capacity for joy, love, and transcendence. The Difference Between Affirmation and Acceptance Happiness is found through accepting “one’s incapable self as is” and building life from that place. Affirmations can be delusional and are linked to what we do, encouraging us to make suggestions such as “You got this, ” “I can do it, ” or ” I am strong, ” even when something is beyond our ability, and we are overwhelmed. They don’t give us courage because they’re more like a demand “I should have this, I ought to be able to do this, I must be strong…” to be accepted. Self-acceptance says, “It doesn’t matter if I do, don’t, or can’t have this; I’m still fundamentally OK.” Fear of Being Disliked and How We Judge The World Our judgement of the world is influenced by the story we focus on. If one person criticises us, two unconditionally accept us, and seven are indifferent to our actions, who do we focus on? Where do we invest our attention and energy? In the one person who dislikes us, the two who love us, or those who don’t care (the crowd)? The End is Not The Goal A train runs to the top of Yr Wyddfa (Snowdon) in North Wales, yet hundreds of people climb it daily. We might think the goal of climbing a mountain is to reach the top. But it’s not. The purpose of climbing a mountain is to climb it. There are often quicker ways to get to the end. But the destination is part of the process rather than the goal. Without the top, we have no direction. Even though it signals the end, the goal of life isn’t death. But the reality of death is what gives us access to energy. To meaning, love, and life.

How can we nurture environments and habits for playful mischief and gentle rebellion in our lives, relationships, and communities? In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I chat with Emma Bearman, the founder of Playful Anywhere, whose mission is to catalyse creativity, inventiveness and playfulness at home, work, and on our travels. The Transformative Power of Playfulness in a Serious World The benefits of play are not easily measurable. The roots go deep, and they can transform our lives, our communities, and the world over time. Experiences are often carefully crafted so that they are consumed or performed rather than created by participants. Do we feel like we belong in the places we live? In a world oriented towards consumption, participation in making, creating, and exploring ourselves and the world can be an act of gentle rebellion. Play Through Boredom, Limitations, and Our Own Resourcefulness Have you ever felt creatively blocked by the paradox of choice? Can too much time and too many resource options inhibit creativity? Emma and I discussed the potential of small places and how play is like digging deep into nothing and coming up with treasure. The Joy Of Seeing Others Have Fun Emma talks about building environments and nurturing conditions for meaningful things to grow. She doesn’t need to be in the centre and loves standing by and watching people play in spaces she has helped create. There is something delightful about seeing something you’ve facilitated bring joy to people engaging with it. Mischievous Curiosity Playful mischief can include combining objects and ideas in unusual places and ways (like turning shipping containers into Playboxes). Where are the gaps waiting for us to bring weird things together? Playfulness is disarming. Like humour, it is a way to question the status quo without creating defensiveness in others. You can achieve aims and create radical change in playful, friendly, cheeky ways without being antagonistic and “poking bears” with sticks. It provides space to address serious issues without dividing and backing people into positions where they won’t listen or engage with others. Playfulness is a soothing balm that gives us another way to hold the false binaries and positions we are often expected to adopt. It reminds us of all the common ground and the public space we can meet, grow, and engage with each other at the level of being. Play is an empowering spirit that allows organic change to occur. It doesn’t require force or performance. Connecting Through Our Universal Experiences The question, “what was it like for you growing up?” is another disarming way to connect with people. We all have a story and formative reasons for becoming who we are. This connection to childhood may have positive or negative memories, but they underpin this story and provide a pathway to empathy and compassion. Play can lead to self-compassion. Allowing us to get alongside our inner child and give them what they needed but didn’t have. And we can reconnect with what gave them joy. Childlike Wonder and Daftness As we grow up, we don’t need to lose our childlike wonder and daftness. On the contrary, it’s an essential aspect of our humanity. It is liberating and constructive to say, “I don’t know the answer; let’s explore and experiment!” Rather than believing that we need to know (or pretend to know) all the answers. This is important for our well-being and is transformative as we model it for others to observe. It’s safe, accepting, and freeing. The Space Between Here and There (or here) Play and adventure aren’t about the answer/solution/destination. They are the substance of the story. The glue that binds everything together. We can’t predict, control, or prescribe it. Things unfold as things unfold. Ambiguity can be threatening. We want a list of tasks, up-and-to-the-right progress, and the sense that we’re “getting there”. But playfulness is a beautifully gooey timeless moment that must be explored without pressure to realise its potential. Learning to enjoy the “I don’t know yet” space is a great way to make better decisions. It allows dots to connect in their own time. This also helps us slow down and listen to more than just the surface of a situation. A Gentle Sanctuary in The Middle Of The Noise Emma describes one project where her team created a quiet, down-low, gentle bubble in a noisy city centre. The energy was like a sanctuary in the middle of chaos. We talk about Emma’s leadership approach and the power of sitting back and letting things happen. Through her approach, she gently questions the drive towards performative busyness that we engage in to feel and look worthy and valuable. I wonder if this is one of a leader’s most undervalued roles in a community project. It takes great courage because it can look passive and feel unproductive. But it sets the pace, tone, and permission for safety and calm. It dances with the energy and infuses the environment gently (firm back, soft front). Play is in the Person, Not The Toy Play doesn’t have to happen in a playground. It doesn’t require equipment. It often can’t be fully described or understood. Play is a spontaneous explosion of creative energy. It’s how we hold the world, and it can be found anywhere. Michael Rosen describes toys as simple physical props that enable and enhance play. It might be a stick, a stone, an empty milk carton, or a shoelace. In this sense, toys are gateways to secret worlds. They allow us to dream, imagine, and create fantastical landscapes wherever we are. There is Play Everywhere Emma and I discussed ways to infuse everyday life with more play. What struck me was the fact that all of them are free. They don’t require us to buy or learn anything new. They are instantly accessible. Make Stories Look under the sofa, in your pockets, and around the room. Where are the missing socks? What would the shampoo say about the current political climate? How do the frozen peas feel when they wake up out of their state of deep cryogenic sleep? Slow Down What are the kids looking at? What is catching their attention? How do things seem different today? What if you changed the route and got slightly lost on the way home? Choose The Playful Lens Ask, “what can I do with this?” as you pick up a piece of paper, open the fridge, or collect all the clutter from the car. When things feel heavy and serious, ask how you might see the situation if you wore your playful glasses. Reconnect with a hobby that you used to get lost in. Watch The Conversation https://youtu.be/QNCr4gtr83s

Are you spontaneous? Can you go with the flow when plans change or if something catches your attention and invites you to follow it? In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, we look at the characteristics of spontaneous people and explore how we might add more spontaneity into everyday life. This was the topic of our Haven Kota when we chatted about creating conditions for more spontaneous acts of gentle adventure and play. What is Spontaneity? “Spontaneity is enjoying the moment as it unfolds or experiencing something unexpected with open arms. Spontaneity is agile, adaptable, and responsive to new information. It is a willingness to go in a new direction at a moment’s notice. It is a creative burst of energy.” Ann C. Holm We might imagine spontaneous people as being constantly on the move. Highly energised and ready for an adventure at the drop of a hat. But it’s less about what we do and more about how we hold life’s invitations. Spontaneity is an active willingness and participation in the choice. As Holm writes, “it’s not completely without restraint. Someone spontaneous tends to take a quick inventory of the big picture before deciding to proceed.“ A spontaneous decision “occurs without external stimulus”, controlling or compelling it. Spontaneity is freedom from pressure and expectation. Spontaneous Rest Is rest a spontaneous option for you? Rest might not be an option, primarily when other demands compete for attention. As such, we often push ourselves to the point where rest is no longer chosen willingly. Finally, we are exhausted and have no choice but to stop. Spontaneous rest should be an option if we want to enjoy more sustainable rhythms and energising routines. Maybe it’s about flipping the compulsion to earn rest by doing a bit more first and saying instead, “I might do a little more after I’ve had a rest”. How often does the “more” feel less critical through a well-rested lens? The Spontaneous Story We Tell Ourselves We might close the door to spontaneous choices with the labels we use to understand ourselves. These can be helpful, but sometimes the story we tell ourselves about who we are can compel us to act in specific ways and diminish our preferences and desires. This might mean we hold ourselves back from accepting one of life’s spontaneous detours. Building Life on Spontaneous Foundations Spontaneity isn’t a demand to say yes to everything. It’s simply the willingness for yes to be an option. What if we could create the conditions for spontaneous growth in a meaningful direction? When connected to our core personal values, we have an inbuilt compass that guides our response to the inspiration around us. In addition, it gives us confidence in our intuition when filtering any opportunities and invitations that may appear. Impulsivity, Compulsiveness, and Spontaneity We all experience impulses. The urges, instincts, and gut feelings that prompt us to react. But what do we do with the impulse? Impulsivity = acting based on the urge (no second thought about implications or consequences) Compulsiveness = acting without thinking (a habit that “just happens”) Spontaneous = the choice to flow in a different direction (aware and accepting of potential implications/consequences) The Space Between Stimulus and Response Shops place items they know people will impulse buy next to the checkout. They want as little time as possible between the impulse and the purchase. Otherwise, the shopper might “think better of it”. The impulse is to pick up the item, and the second thought tells us to put it back. Spontaneity is the third thought, which is deciding whether to go with the first impulse and make something of it. Spontaneity and Gentle Rebellion When we hold the world with a spirit of gentle rebellion, we are open to possibilities outside of any compelling forces. It allows us to see the world through our eyes and make meaningful and intentional choices about the reality we are part of creating. In this sense, gentle rebellion is a spontaneous spirit. It is open to new routes and approaches. It is creativity in action. Of course, there is no guarantee that things will work out for the best, but the decision is made despite that, not ignorant of it. Impulsive Goals The world oozes urgency and impulsiveness. It wants us to act without thinking and think without acting. If we are driven by the injunction constantly to grow, pursue success, and find happiness without knowing what those things mean for us, our goals can become traps. They take us where we wouldn’t choose to go if we stopped to think about it. So instead, we follow the crowd, buy another tool, and sign up for the program that promises to solve our problems. When our decisions are based on fear, we act impulsively, not spontaneously. Sometimes the spontaneous thing to do is nothing. To slow down, wait, and allow the fear to pass through. Spontaneous Acts of Kindness Our impulses often point in a good direction. For example, we might be urged to say something encouraging or do something nice for someone. The instinct to connect and empathise is very natural. But our second thoughts can derail the process. It always seems strange that we are surprised by acts of kindness. They seem like moments that successfully get through the defences. We talk ourselves out of doing the good thing that initially occurred to us. Maybe we convince ourselves that we would be bothering the other person, we might be afraid of what people would think of us, or we might overthink and overcomplicate a simple gesture. Spontaneity is the third thought. It returns to the original impulse and decides to flow with it. Trying Not to Try In his book, Trying Not to Try: The Art and Science of Spontaneity, Edward Slingerland cites cognitive science research that points to spontaneity as a source of trust in our social bonds. We are drawn to spontaneous people because it makes them more trustworthy and less calculating, cold, and robotic. Spontaneity Grows in the Gaps “We over-structure our lives and plan too much…Most people don’t have any gaps in their day to play.” Edward Slingerland We might think of spontaneity as making the most of every day. But this can be another trap, especially when we feel pressured to say yes to every invitation and opportunity. Fear of missing out is the opposite of a spontaneous spirit. It’s a coerced, not a willing yes. It is always left wanting, always grasping for more. How To Practice Being More Spontaneous Spontaneity is a muscle we can grow with the right environment around us. Time with other people can be a platform for spontaneous happenings. It happens when we nurture space for boredom (gaps in the day). The door opens when we exchange the question “what can this do for me?” with “what could I do with this?“. Creative spontaneity explodes into life when we embrace mistakes as happy accident gateways to magical new worlds. An Unexpected Detour I finish the episode with a narrative soundscape meditation. It came from a reflection on the theme of adventure. I imagined it growing from a tiny delicate seed—a quiet invitation on the regular route home that we meet with openness and a soft yes. What could this make possible? https://www.youtube.com/embed/5PNMFHKNY4A

Confidence grows when we feel safe to fail and make mistakes. Sports people typically attribute confidence to believing they can beat anyone. So I was surprised when an England cricketer linked the team’s recent historic success to their willingness to lose games. The England test cricket team has been playing a completely different brand of cricket. It’s expansive, exciting, and “fearless“. As a result, it comes across as extremely confident. But is that confidence built on what they can expect to happen when they fail instead of simply believing they can beat everyone? In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I explore the idea that confidence (and excellence) can be grown in unlikely places when people, things, cultures, and processes make it feel safe to mess up. The Three Little Pigs Do you remember the story of the Three Little Pigs? It’s a perfect tale to help us consider different sources of confidence in everyday life. Confidence And The Desired Outcome We often think about confidence in broad and general terms. When we do this, very few of us would not wish we had more of it, making us susceptible to products and services advertised with a promise of helping us become more confident and self-assured in life. As such, we will always come up short again. So it’s far better to consider our confidence in particular situations, environments, and projects. The three pigs had an objective. They needed to build strong, resilient houses that withstand adverse winter weather and keep the big bad wolf at bay. Misplaced Confidence The first little pig wanted to build his house as quickly as possible so he could play. He had confidence that there was nothing to worry about. The second little pig wanted to build a better house but was distracted when he saw his brother playing. He had confidence that if there weren’t any storms or wolves, things would probably be okay. The third little pig wanted to build a house that he could trust. He had confidence that if he did the job properly, his home would protect him from the weather and the wolf. Confidence is The Safety to Fail The third little pig creates a safe environment. WHEN the winter weather hits and WHEN the wolf comes knocking, he knows he can rely on the house he’s built to keep him safe from what would otherwise be harmful. The environment that the current English cricket leadership have built is similar. Rather than saying, “we won’t lose”, like the first two pigs, they have created an infrastructure around the safety TO lose. Safety is a source of confidence. It means you’re free to focus on what matters more than worrying about what happens when things go wrong. Good Leaders Show It’s Safe To Fail We are often so afraid of failure that we try to deny its inevitability. However, in many industries, if you’re not failing, you’re not succeeding. Failure is a by-product of taking risks. If you work in intelligence, innovation, or any industry that makes predictions, if you’re not getting things wrong, you’re not taking the necessary risks to get things right. Certainty is only possible when it’s too late. The best leaders show us that it’s safe to fail. Not to encourage sloppiness but to reassure us that it will be OK on the other side. So we have the freedom and confidence to grow without fear when it feels safe to fail. Playing It Safe Is a Failure of Safety We protect ourselves, keep things small, and avoid waste when we play things safe. This is NOT the kind of safety we need. But playing BECAUSE things are safe is a different matter. It’s underpinned by the assurance that: “We will figure out what to do if it goes wrong.” The safety of making mistakes isn’t the elimination of accountability for them. Our failure doesn’t become someone else’s problem to clean up. But we are given a clear sense of process and support to be confident if things go wrong. We might need to go and have some difficult conversations and fix whatever broke. But we know that the consequences are not fatal. We will not be exiled, thrown out, or banished from the social order. And a good leader makes taking responsibility for failure more attractive than keeping it secret. Bringing vs Burying Failure Just because the implications of mistakes can be bad, it doesn’t stop them from occurring. Wherever uncertainty exists, so too does the possibility of human error. And there will be less-than-perfect solutions where humans must make judgement calls. If we are told that “whatever we do, we must not fail”, then we have to hide it when we do. So we hide, cover up, blame, dig deeper holes, and worsen the problems. Healthy cultures bring failure early and know that when they do, it will get worked out…rewarding ownership and responsibility – met, not with passivity, but with action. A safe leader doesn’t just abandon or disown someone who makes a mistake; they use it as an opportunity for growth. Taking responsibility feels more rewarding, secure, and attractive than covering up or pretending it didn’t happen. What Happens When We Run Out? Our relationship with the idea of scarcity can affect our confidence. If we’ve been taught to fear squandering and wasting resources and opportunities, our focus can be consumed by a feeling of scarcity. This can be a source of anxiety about running out, losing out, or missing out. As a result, we might become miserly, hoard, and resent others. Confidence is grounded in assurance that even if “there’s no more once that’s all gone”, we will still be fundamentally okay. This gives us a platform to build sustainability into our relationship with life. Fear of Being Misunderstood (Bad Faith Is Unsafe) We can lose confidence when we fear the consequences of our words and actions, especially when we can’t be sure how they will be received and interpreted. This happens through “bad faith” when we filter what we hear through a desire to confirm something we want to hear. It takes courage and bravery to speak up despite being misunderstood. They may or may not be consciously aware they do it, but people make it their mission to misunderstand others. They receive and interpret the actions and words of other people with bad faith. In The Courage to Be Disliked, Kishimi and Koga write about Adler’s definition of freedom, which isn’t the absence of something undesirable but the acceptance and willingness to face it. This is the fundamental principle behind having the courage to be disliked. We will be disliked by someone whether we like it or not. It’s a trap to dedicate ourselves to trying to be liked. Likewise, confidence can grow when we accept that we will be disliked, misunderstood, and interpreted in bad faith. Or, like the England cricket team, freedom is being willing to lose. This kind of freedom is a deep source of strength and confidence. It liberates us from the games people play and from fear of what might happen if we don’t play correctly. The Team Makes It Safe To Fail, The Crowd Not So Much The crowd is not a source of confidence. On the contrary, it’s fundamentally unsafe and volatile. It can turn on you without warning. But the team is an environment we can control with a clear and unified vision. And while you may lose your place in the group when better players come along or you reach the end of your career, you will forever be a character in its story—part of the history. No one can take that away. Confidence comes from accepting that no one individual is bigger than the team. No one will be here forever. It’s nothing personal. It’s just life. But you are forever written into the story of this thing. Arrogance (“Over-Confidence”) is a Lack of True Confidence Confidence is built on the safety of failing, whereas arrogance is built on fear of failure. Therefore, an arrogant person has been taught to believe that failure is not an option because it’s about them as a person. It is intrinsically linked to their value and worth as a human. We can recognise the difference between confidence and arrogance in others by understanding how they leave us feeling. When you spend time with a confident person, you feel positive about yourself. Conversely, when you spend time with an arrogant person, you have lower self-esteem and self-worth. Confidence lifts us; arrogance presses us down. Arrogance rolls its eyes when you make a mistake. Their judgement is a distracting thorn, reminding you that failure is not okay. On the other hand, confidence shoots a reassuring look that tells you it’s safe to give it a go, reminding you that whatever happens, you are fundamentally okay. Safety To Fail And The Road To Excellence Arrogance nurtures average. It is afraid of failure because it’s unsafe to make mistakes. If we are so scared to fail, we play it safe. We protect ourselves, blame others, and hold back from taking the necessary risks for the rewards we want. Conversely, when we encourage failure and get more comfortable and better at it, we pave the way towards excellence. This safety can’t be nurtured alone, though. It’s hard, if not impossible, to think yourself confident. But we CAN gradually build confidence as we recognise where this kind of safety to fail comes from. We can start to surround ourselves with people, things, approaches, processes, and stories that show us that it’s safe to fail. Hunting For Confidence (A Courtyard Workshop) Most of us would like a bit more confidence at times. But what does it mean to be confident? We often think of it as a feeling in itself. We hear people talk about “faking it ’til you make it” and the power of self-talk and mindset to help us feel more confident. And while these can be useful to consider, they are only a tiny part of the big picture because confidence is usually a by-product of other feelings. When we think we want to feel confident, we might be saying we want to feel safe and be able to trust in something or someone outside us. In other words, we are confident when our need for security, acceptance, belonging, connection, authenticity etc., are met. We talk to people in confidence (assured that they won’t tell others what we say), and we place our confidence in leaders (assured that they will work in the interests of their followers). We put confidence in objects, resources, and tools (assured that the car will get us from where we are to where we want to go). In this workshop, we build on this idea in practical ways. It’s a chance to think about an area of life you want to feel confident in and look at it through different lenses of confidence. You will end up with simple ways to build confidence in your situation or project.

“If you’re not grimacing every time you look at old work, then you aren’t growing.” I was haunted by this tweet from 2021. It suggests that you don’t grow without grimacing at old work. It made me uncomfortable. Because it was true? Or because it was potentially damaging to anyone who gets stuck believing it? Yes. I decided that I needed to put the icky feeling to use. So I’m using it as inspiration for an exploratory journey into creative growth and self-compassion. Because I don’t want to live in a world where people grimace every time they look at their “old work”. That sounds like hell. So in this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I want to explore how we might enjoy, rather than belittle, the bravery that gave rise to “old work”. We will think about the difference between casting and using judgement to develop, mature and grow as people and in our creativity. And open up space for healthy foundational growth that doesn’t follow a one-dimensional linear path. Creative Growth WITHOUT Grimace When I internalise this grimace, it’s not just about my relationship with my old work. It’s about how I hold myself and other people. It’s about how I relate to EVERYTHING. So, for example, if I was doing the best I could and still grimace when I look back at it, what am I doing with other people who are doing the best they can where they are? What sort of world does this approach create in the long run? Grimace-Growth is Imbalanced It’s tough to grow from a healthy foundation when we feel the grimace looking at us. It evokes shame, embarrassment, and humiliation. It can leave us in a spirit of urgency and desperation. What Does Creative Growth Look Like? In The Burnout Society, Byung-Chul Han writes about the rate of acceleration in the world and what is happening to a culture that erodes “intervals, betweens, and interruptions”, replacing them with restlessness, hyperactivity and mental exhaustion. Positivisation pedals the idea that action makes us free, yet we see it doing the opposite. In the name of “growth” and “progress”, we are becoming automatic performance machines rather than subjective beings with the power “not to do”. Growth isn’t endless. It hits limits all the time. We reach a point where we won’t get taller, our capacity for physical strength peaks, and our hair gets thin. How do you know you’re moving in the right direction? What does it mean to keep growing as people? Is this a trap that separates us from ourselves? There Are Different Grimaces Not all grimaces are the same. The same facial expression can communicate different aspects of personal and creative growth. The “Last Big Push” Grimace: a facial contortion that shows you put every ounce of energy into striving towards the end (e.g. getting down the home stretch and over the finish line). The “Something’s Wrong” Grimace: reacting to a disturbance in the anticipated flow (e.g. a wrong note, weird flash, bad smell, or strange taste). The “I Couldn’t Do That” Grimace: a reaction to seeing someone do something scary or out of reach and imagining yourself doing it yourself (e.g. the idea of public speaking). The “Embarrassed For You” Grimace: cringing at something someone else has done – perhaps a relatable failure (“I know the feeling, and I’m glad it’s you, not me”) or a judgement (“what were you thinking!?”) The “Wish I was You” Grimace: seeing someone in a position you wish you were in and being unable to hide envy or resentment. The “Wish I Wasn’t Me” Grimace: seeing yourself through a critical lens and feeling embarrassed (e.g. looking at old work and cringing). Using vs Casting Judgement There is a difference between using and casting judgement. We USE judgement through critical thinking. It helps us assess how well something matches specific criteria, standards, or expectations. “Judges” use this when weighing or scoring. We CAST judgement when we assess something or someone without a measurable framework. Those we might think of as “judgemental” have something to say about everything and everyone, holding them to an unknowable set of standards. When building a healthy relationship with ourselves, it’s helpful to recognise the difference between using and casting judgement. We might be like a judge who scores the dancer zero simply because they didn’t take a shine to them. But, unfortunately, it doesn’t help us grow because it gives us nothing of use to help us raise our standards. There is nothing we can do to improve. Judgement as Shame (“I should be better”) Casting judgement is a gateway to shame because it separates the criticism from anything concrete. It can mean that no matter what we do we will never feel good enough. This story is internalised through the judgemental grimace that we are compelled to view all old work with. Shame leads to perfectionism and an inability to let go for fear of what people will think of us (not the work). Creative growth is only possible through being brave and letting go. But letting go gets more challenging when we know people are judging us. The irony of the tweet is that it makes us painfully aware of this kind of judgement. Yet it’s coming from within. In other words, if you’re grimacing every time you look at old work, you’re making it hard to grow. Judgement of Project (“this could be improved”) Rather than judging at the level of being, we can view ourselves as separate from our projects. It starts by separating our self-worth from our personal and creative projects. We might look at a relationship, a creative project, a business, a work situation etc. and use judgement to say, “this isn’t working as I’d like it to” we can take an objective look at it and say, “what can I do to help improve it?” rather than “why am I such an idiot?” The sense that “this could be improved” has criteria attached. We know what we are improving and where we are taking that process. If we can’t define improvement, we are casting judgement rather than using it. If we don’t know what “better”, “successful”, and “growing” means, we are setting ourselves up to fail from the start. Judgement of Opportunities and Desires We can use judgement to make decisions in service of the bigger picture. For example, we can use criteria that make it easier to say no to the opportunity or request rather than the person behind it. Our measures provide a filter that we can respond through. Sensitive people can find it hard to say no. It might feel like a rejection of the other person. So this is a helpful way to respond to requests that don’t fit our plans. We can use questions to probe more deeply if we’re unsure whether something is a good fit for us. This is a great way to uncover awareness about what we want more of in life. I talk about this in more depth in the episode. Using Feelings of Inferiority We read The Courage To Be Disliked in The Haven Book Club. The book unpacks the difference between feelings of inferiority and inferiority complexes. And it describes the pursuit of superiority as something positive and healthy. Feelings of inferiority underpin desire, through which we enjoy what we don’t have (the journey/process). Desire gives life meaning because it allows us to see where we are and consider how we can improve and grow in ourselves and the world around us. This pursuit of superiority is not striving to be better than others. But we desire to grow, improve, and advance our situation. It is not a linear pathway either. It’s relative, and we can only define it for ourselves. How can we hold and relate to our past (including old work, choices, experiences etc.) compassionately and gracefully? Can we integrate and absorb rather than separate and disown? How can who I was, be both in the past and the present without it defining or limiting me? How can it be a chapter in the story that I can hold, not with critical judgement, but with joy, laughter, and humour? Superiority Complex is an Inferiority Complex A complex grows when we hold our feelings of inferiority and pursuit of superiority within a competitive frame. In other words, we allow our self-concept to be influenced and defined by comparison with others. As a result, we are either in the shadow of others or trying to overshadow them. The book uses an example of harbouring an inferiority complex about education, where we might think we can’t succeed because we’re not well educated. This is also a superiority complex because it implies that if we were well educated, we would be better than we are. A complex places us as the victim of the conditions in the world around us. It’s perpetually disempowering. Victim Mindset The book says, “if we ask ourselves who is the strongest person in our culture, the logical answer would be the baby. The baby rules and cannot be dominated.’ The baby rules over the adults with his weakness. And because of this weakness, no one can control him.” This mentality is one of superiority because it rejects the connection. Instead of seeking to hear and empathise, the person declares, “you can’t understand what it’s like to be me”. And while “completely understanding the feelings of the person who is suffering is something that no one is capable of”, we might encounter people who define themselves that way, making it impossible to connect and relate. Demands For The External World To Change When we say “you wouldn’t understand”, we are shutting the door to the kind of connection that creates change. Instead, we enjoy the story we can use to separate us from others and maintain the status quo. Willing Others To Fail This mindset might turn our attention and energy towards willing others to fail. Rather than pursuing superiority on our journey, we might become preoccupied with what the other person is doing and determined to beat them. Replace The Disowning Grimace Self-worth cannot be earned. It can only be realised when we replace the grimace with internal acceptance, grace, and compassion. This requires us to reject the grimace and greet our old work with a more generous spirit. Make Peace With Past Efforts (Equal But Not The Same) How might we make peace with past efforts? We don’t need to scoff, belittle, and disown those moments in the story. What if we can celebrate the bravery and enjoy how far we’ve come together?