The Gentle Rebel Podcast

When navigating a season or environment of change, we need things we can trust. But what does it mean to trust someone or something? Where does it come from? The word derives from the root “Deru” (firm, solid, steadfast), the same etymological foundation as the word tree. It brings an image of strength through flexibility, adaptability, and dependability to meet the moment’s needs. A tree is anchored in place by its roots. It starts growing beneath the ground. Charlie Jones joined us in our September Courtyard Conversation to discuss dealing with unpredictable change. We explored the meaning of truth during uncertain times and how it relates to the growth and erosion of trust in the people and places around us. Maybe you can think of someone or something you have lost confidence in. What is it that means they can’t be trusted? Words that come to mind are shape-shifting, slippery, and a drive to wiggle their way out of things to protect themselves. Someone who will do anything to avoid accountability and responsibility for their words and actions. When we lose trust in one person, it can impact the story we tell about everyone. This is why it’s in the interests of a healthy culture to grow and nurture a shared understanding of and commitment to truth. It starts where we are. How is Trust Grown? What tells us it is safe to put our confidence in another person? These are some of the responses that came through the Courtyard conversation when we explored the characteristics of trust. This is not a prescriptive list of things to do but reflections on some of those signs and signals that indicate the presence of truth, as we defined earlier. As the steadfastness that runs through from our roots to the tips of our leaves. Integrity (practising what you preach) We scan for signs that we can or cannot trust someone based on whether their actions reflect their words. Respect (to look again) Trust grows when we look beneath someone’s role/position/performance and meet them at the level of being. This is an ongoing practice, not a one-time event. Patience (slowing down) Trust grows when someone cares enough to slow down and address things properly and effectively. If they appear in a rush to sugarcoat, appease, or force quick change, we might wonder what they are afraid of. Accountability (a shared agreement) Trust grows when we have mechanisms to hold ourselves and one another to a shared vision and foundational values. Something against which to “balance the books”. It erodes if we hold people accountable for things around which we have not reached a shared consensus. Listening (holding space) Listening is a buzzword in many situations and environments where change occurs. But hope and trust are quickly eroded if you’re told you’re being listened to, but evidence says you’re being ignored. Charlie co-founded Spaces For Listening with Brigid Russell, so we had a good chat about the characteristics of genuine listening. Encouragement (unconditional acceptance) Praise can feel manipulative because it is linked to doing things in the correct/acceptable way. Even if it feels good to hear (when it aligns with our feelings about something), it doesn’t help trust grow as we think they are trying to get something from us. On the other hand, encouragement is about unconditional acceptance at the level of being. Seeing who we are BENEATH what we do creates conditions for that to flourish in its own way. Bravery (going against the grain) Trust grows when we witness someone act from a place of truth. A willingness to make life more difficult for themselves because there is something more important to them. Maybe they are willing to have a difficult conversation, admit they were wrong about something, or stand up to authority. When someone sacrifices their comfort or pleasure for the sake of something or someone else, it can grow a sense of trustworthiness. Trusting The Void Giselle wrote to me with the story of Leap into the Void by Yves Klein. It’s a photo of a man (Klein) diving from a high wall onto the city street below. An explanation for how it was done was kept secret for many years – it was a composite of two photographs. The image makes an impression because it confronts the viewer with a contradiction. How can this possibly be? It defies logic. But this impossibility tells us of the necessity of collaboration. It is startling because it is missing the essence of what makes it possible…other people. Those trusted to hold the tarpaulin and keep the secret. This mystery we enjoy in creativity and art isn’t a lie. The most powerful experiences of art encourage us to feel the mystery of truth and the truth of mystery within us. Do we trust that void? Are we able to confront it in ourselves? The space of unknowing and uncertainty (aka life). Trust is often found in those who can move through life without immediately controlling, defining, and labelling. Holding gently and letting go of the need to turn their fear of uncertainty into conspiracy or cynicism. There is a time for understanding, categorising, and discovering. But not at the expense of, or to avoid confrontation with, emotion, creativity, and uncertainty. It’s hard to trust a person who cannot allow themselves to be moved by something that resonates with their depths. Trust grows when we sense and connect with humanness. It is eroded when we all experience mechanised, cold, calculating rationality. Anything can be justified when we lose sight of our human truth beneath the surface.

What is your biggest momentum killer when it comes to making a change, launching a project, or embarking on a meaningful pursuit? If you’re anything like me, it might be…a lack of celebration. In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, we explore the importance of celebrating success and how intrinsic it is to momentum in almost any endeavour. By success, I don’t mean external rewards and appearances. I’m talking about moments of “shine” that occur in the immediate wake of a good thing happening. And celebration, in this context, is a simple physical acknowledgement in response to that feeling. Last week, Blubrry (the hosting company for The Gentle Rebel Podcast) published a feature, naming it Podcast of the Month for September 2023. Exciting! This is one of the reasons I’ve been thinking about celebration and momentum. After feeling a spark of joy, my inner critic (yep, Rod was back) piped up with reasons not to get excited. So, I’ve been experimenting with ways to playfully subvert his and Pincher’s (another one – that’s him in the photo) judgements and demands so I can allow the momentum to flow. The Moment Finds Meaning in Momentum We might think of momentum as a series of moments linked together in the same direction. The mmmmmm between moments is the gluey bridge of satisfaction that connects them. Moment-mmmmm-moment-mmmmm. OK, please humour me. This is to say that celebrating small moments is integral to growth through momentum. Without it, we might end up in a state of moment-aghhhh, where moments are isolated and disconnected rather than united and connected. But what does a celebration look like? It sounds a bit strange. The Concept of “Shine”: What do you do to celebrate when you manage to turn an intention into an action? With no word in English for the feeling he wanted to describe (“authentic pride” didn’t capture it), BJ Fogg coined the term “shine”. In Tiny Habits, he explains how important it is to celebrate when we do behaviours that contribute to the habits we want to establish. Celebration rewrites our neural pathways, associating feeling good with doing what we want. This is an excellent example of moment-mmmm because each momentary action, when celebrated, reinforces the chance of the next one occurring. So celebration and momentum go hand-in-hand. Ranking and Linking Elaine Aron talks about linking and ranking as two models for interpersonal engagement. When in “ranking mode”, we measure our value by comparing ourselves to others. This tends to happen more when we perceive that we have suffered a “defeat” or failure. Aron writes, “After a defeat, research finds that all social animals become depressed, showing the same physiology and behavior as depressed humans have. If we could ask them, I’m sure their self-esteem would be low. Unrealistically low. “I’m no good at all.” This innate “involuntary defeat response” serves to keep a defeated animal from continuing to fight and probably being injured. These instincts work the same for us. Following a defeat, we tend to undervalue ourselves, leading to endless lost opportunities.” As we apply this, we might see how momentum is lost when we lose connection by not acknowledging meaningful moments. Or worse, by focusing on our perceived failures amidst things going well – through overthinking, second-guessing, and assuming meaning (that isn’t explicit) in other peoples’ words and actions. Aron says, “Life is not all about ranking. We spend as much time liking and loving each other. Mostly, however, when we are focused on rank, we are not feeling loving, and vice versa. So the easiest solution to undervaluing yourself is to get out of ranking mode altogether for a while: Focus on the people you like and whom you know like you. Switch instincts.” But how do we switch instincts and find a sense of connection and safety? It’s not easy. Glimmers One helpful practice is noticing glimmers. In her book Anchored, Deb Dana talks about noticing and collecting glimmers to anchor in safety and connection. And this ultimately opens our eyes, minds, and hearts to celebrate when good things happen. This idea opens us up to see MORE things worth celebrating. She points out that “Humans have a built-in negativity bias. In order to support our survival, we’re wired to respond more intensely to negative experiences than equally intense positive ones. We have to actively look for, take notice of, and keep track of these moments, or micro-moments, of safety and connection that are our glimmers.” This is not dissimilar to BJ Fogg’s notion of shine. Glimmers are “anchors that take us upwards and back to a foundation of strengthened regulation. They are small things. When we are open to spot them, we see them everywhere in daily life. Glimmers can be predictable anchors in our routine (coffee, fresh air, etc.) and can come in unexpected moments that appear on your path.” Setting a Glimmer Intention: Dana suggests setting a glimmer intention. She writes, “I have a friend who made an intention to see one glimmer a day for a week and another whose intention was to look for a glimmer to begin her day. Play with this intention. Set it. Write it down. Read it back. For example, I will start each day this week looking for a glimmer. I will step outside every morning and find a glimmer.” Keep a record of glimmers. This allows you to create a predictable practice you can return to. Where are you that you wanted to be? Life might not have turned out how you hoped or planned. But I bet there is something true of your life right now that you of 5 years ago would be pretty excited about or intrigued by. Or maybe you set a goal, and it’s happened. Did you notice? Did you stop to celebrate? Or did it pass you by as you moved on to the next one?

A recent Photoyoga exercise sparked a fascinating Haven discussion about taking up space in the world and how uncomfortable some of us find it at times. If you ever feel bad about “being a burden”, “holding people back”, or “drawing too much attention”, this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast is for you. In our June Kota session, Tuula encouraged us to capture our inner critic. We gave it a name and took a selfie to think about the story it tells us and the words it uses. I discovered one of mine is called Rod and has a distinctive moustache. He pops into my head and tells me to play small, keep the noise down, and avoid attracting attention. You can see him in this video if you’re interested… The Moustache Experiment In this episode, I talk about an unanticipated experiment following the exercise. In an act of gentle rebellion, I refused to cede to Rod’s demand and shave his (my) moustache off. Instead, I made it more pronounced. I let take up space on my face until I was no longer self-conscious about it. High Sensitivity and Taking Up Space We explored several reasons why introverted and sensitive people might find it challenging to take up space in the world. I share some of these in the episode and consider the influence of society and culture on how we feel about this. Taking Up Space in Conversations We considered how, for sensitive people, the fear of being too intense or too much for other people can lead us to stay quiet when, inside, we’re bursting with stuff to talk about. Maybe you’re met with a blank look, or you’ve been told “not to be weird” or “don’t worry about that stuff” when sharing things you can get lost chatting about. How do you find people to take up this kind of space with? Asking For Help We are less likely to ask for help when we fear being a burden. But as we discussed, asking for help doesn’t always feel that way for the other person. Sometimes, it’s in everyone’s interest and longing for us to take up space and ask for help. When we are reluctant to ask for help, we might unnecessarily deprive ourselves of information and connection and deny the potential helper from doing something they would love to be part of. Physical Space and Belonging At the end of the episode, I share a recent story of an encounter with an angry guy in a field. It didn’t feel great, but it sparked another impromptu inner experiment that I was glad to have the opportunity to try. Not least because I could put theories from Deb Dana’s Anchored to the test. I had been reading it that morning, so it was fresh in my mind and helped enormously. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMa0gE_XKIk&

There is a time to pause and a time to act. We explored this distinction in last month’s Kota. In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I share some of the ideas that came out of our conversation. “Books are mirrors: You only see in them what you already have inside you.” Carlos Ruiz Zafón, The Shadow of the Wind I recently chatted with my friend, Adam Kawalek about what it means to “coach for insight”. As coaches, we are committed to the principle that insights, revelations, and answers don’t come from the outside-in. They aren’t imparted by the coach. They are brought to life from the inside-out. And the coach’s questions, reflections, and invitations assist this process. Coaching For Insight Inspiration is like a candle inside us, waiting to be rekindled. An “aha!” moment, doesn’t happen when something completely new arrives. It’s when something outside us strikes the match that catches the wick within, which then illuminates the torch that casts its light on the environment around it. I love that as a description of coaching. We play with matches (not something I normally advocate), and see what it ready to catch a spark inside us. Expectation vs Expectancy There is a difference between expectation and expectancy. Expectation is a weight that can stop us from seeing things as they really are. Expectancy is a nerve-tickling buzz. A helium spirit. It is ready to flow through the contours of this landscape without judgement. It is flexible, adaptable, and prepared to make something memorable out of something undesirable. The pause of expectancy allows us to receive what is there. The push of expectation is an entitled demand to repeat what is no longer necessarily there. It burdens the present with judgement and comparison based on a story from the past. Making Inspired Decisions Where do you feel insights in your body? Our bodies tell us a lot about intuitive responses to ideas, people, and environments. We don’t think twice about using terms like “gut feelings”, “broken heart”, “sinking feeling”, “butterflies in the stomach”, and “jelly legs”. These describe physical responses to something going on around us. The body might say yes or no but the mind rationalises its way to another decision. In our Kota conversation, we talked about learning to hear what the body is saying so that we can make more informed choices and inspired decisions. Under-thinking and Overthinking Under-thinking can occur when we only listen to the body and don’t pause to ask whether the uncomfortable sensation is part of doing something important to us. For example, feeling nervous before a performance. If I under-think the situation, I might follow the urge to remove myself from it, which in turn stops me from accessing its meaningful rewards. Overthinking happens when we get ahead of ourselves and worry about things beyond our control. Fear of failure/success, logistical anxieties, and catastrophising everything that could go wrong – however unlikely – can turn an exciting opportunity into a pressurised ball of dread. It’s important to maintain an open line of communication between these thoughts and feelings. Connecting with the small glimmers of joy, holding lightly, and reminding ourselves that this feeling will pass. I feel this strongly because it is important. It will not break or make me. I feel creatively energised and alive. It is a chance to play, connect, and do something I love. And if all else fails, we might anticipate the beautiful feeling that is awaiting us when it’s over. The out-breath of relief. Where do you feel insight? Is there a difference between toward and away from insight feelings in your physical body? When something is an invitation toward a desirable place, where do you feel it? Shoulders? Stomach? Lungs? Legs? I get it in my belly. How would you describe that feeling? Flutter, leaping, twirling, pulsing – they are words that come to mind for me. How about the opposite? When an away from insight arrives. When the body says “no thanks”. How does that feel? Where do you experience it? For me it is tension, tightening, throbbing, trapped, shrinking, constricted, and hunched. We might observe and notice this information, and use it to make good decisions. Both forms of energy can lead us to under-think our actions. To push when we need to pause. Connected vs Panicked Decisions In any moment we might ask ourselves about the energy underpinning our decision? And what story is driving this energy? Are we in a state of internal connection or panic? One way to gauge this is to assess whether we feel able to put space and time between the stimulus and our reaction. If not, why not? Where is the pressure to “act now!” coming from? Is there genuine life or death urgency that requires we push, or has something triggered a false alarm survival response pattern? Pause. Notice. Become aware of the stories, comments, and environmental cues that seem to pull this chord. Take a breath and come back to a place of safe connection. Harnessing The Creative Moment(um) We talked about the space between insight and action. When an idea lands and new possibility occurs to us as more than a vague “wouldn’t it be nice” wish. This insight lights the candle and illuminates a step or two on the path ahead. It feels like something that could actually happen. The Creative Pause Welcoming the insight is enough for this moment. It’s not necessarily the time to push forwards and get bogged down in details and decisions. Just allow this new creative possibility to breathe. The Creative Push The time will come when you’re ready to explore, probe, and push this possibility. What does it want to be? How might it come to life? What are the options? This is a time to act with expectancy. Notice what’s going on within. Which ideas feel alive and exciting? Which ones feel old and weathered? The Oscillation of Inspiration Inspiration is about breath. Breathing in, breathing out, and allowing the cycle to flow into, through, and beyond us. Our job is to keep it flowing. Without forcing, without stalling. Remembering that when we hold your breath, we lose it.

“If we are going to understand and appreciate each other’s differences, then we need to be able to trust the space between us.” Charlie Jones & Brigid Russell (From Trust in the Spaces Between Us) Connection isn’t always about closing the gap between us. Sometimes it’s simply about recognising the space that exists. Allowing it. Trusting it. Letting go of our need to possess and control it. Just like silence can leave us feeling awkward, the idea of space can make us uncomfortable at times. It’s tempting to see it as something to fill. We might try dominating it by forcing agreement or demanding sameness at the level of difference. But what if those uncertain, mysterious, incomplete spaces are what allows life to unfold in its weird and wonderful ways? In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I chat with Brigid Russell, who founded #SpacesForListening with Charlie Jones. Brigid invited me to Spaces For Listening last month. It was a quite beautiful experience that allowed some slow-burning inner shifts to take occur. It opened the door for lingering inspiration from its simple structure and the willingness of participants to embrace its flow. The session provided an opportunity to enjoy some protected space to think out loud. To connect, untangle, and feel the spark of inspiration as we bounced into and around each other without interruption, hierarchy, or introductions. It felt like everyone was equal. There is something lovely about sharing space without knowing anything about the background, role, or status of other people. Brigid’s insightful probing tweets always inspire me. You’ll hear some of them throughout the episode. She has a thoughtful, open, and firm-back-soft-front gentleness that implicitly and playfully rebels against the forceful certainty underpinning a lot of modern discourse. “What on earth happens when we step into a formal meeting, and seem only to see the professional roles, hierarchical titles, & siloed labels? Why do we all let that happen? We’re all people with fears, doubts, ideas, & hopes. People who care. What stops us just meeting as people?” Conditions For Listening In the episode, Brigid and I talk about the conditions for listening. In particular we explored the role of limits when it comes to curating space for it to actually happen. It doesn’t take long to listen to another person. It doesn’t take much to feel heard. And yet, we can overcomplicate or ignore it because we’re too busy. How do we make time for the important stuff when our real urgency demands attention? Space For Growth “Some things take time. Not because we haven’t found a quicker way! They just take time. Time to feel how things feel over & over. To notice what we avoid, what’s too hard to say out loud, traps we fall into, & when we’re ready to notice. Some things just take time & they need to.” We often seek faster ways of getting to where we’re going. But what if it’s the pace at which we try to achieve results that is causing the need for these solutions in the first place? What if patience, surrender, and the willingness to sit with the space between, is what we need to bravely step towards? Space For Trust “It is not about creating cosy safe spaces in which we all seem to agree, and reach false harmony. This is about spaces in which we can really hear each other, stick with the discomfort, and then find new clumsy answers together.” How do we maintain connection and trust when we disagree with one another? Sharing Space With Everyone Life is dynamic, we are constantly moving and bouncing off each other. The space between us can feel cramped at times. We move at different speeds and rhythms and may find ourselves surrounded by people going at a completely different pace. What can lanes swimming tell us about life? Meaning Lurks Between The Lines “What if we could see it as ‘life in progress’? Strive less, live more. Less frenetically, more slowly & gently. Live with incompleteness and contradictions.” Meaning is found in the space between, often when we stop trying to describe/articulate it. It’s found in small actions, exchanged glances, and shared moments. Meaning isn’t forced and it can’t be reached before its ready.

What do the photographs you take and choose to share say about you? What might your photos be saying TO you? I wonder if you’ve ever thought about those questions before? Photoyoga For Your Mind started in 2017 as an organic combination of creativity, movement, and inner listening. It grew from a place of burnout and a quest for healing and recovery. In the wake of burnout, Tuula researched widely and developed a deeper understanding about stress, the nervous system, and the body’s trauma responses. But she noticed that hoarding information and talking ABOUT these things was not enough to bring the calm and deep awareness required for healing. So she turned to the device in her pocket and her love of creativity. In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I am excited to introduce my good friend and creative collaborator, Tuula Ahde. She is one of the original creators of this beautiful course, Photoyoga For Your Mind, which we have translated from Finnish into English and integrated into The Haven. In our conversation, Tuula and I chat about the healing potential of creativity. We discuss the beautiful things that can happen when we slow down and listen to what wants to speak within, around, and through us. We might not think of ourselves as such, but nearly everyone is a photographer these days. Most of us carry cameras in our pockets. Pulling a phone out and capturing a shot whenever the mood takes us is simple. But how mindful are we of this process? What goes on when we take the photo? And how do we feel when we view them? Photography can be an excellent metaphor for how we engage with our lives. The challenges, the possibilities, the shadows, and the parts only become apparent when we take the time to notice and reflect on what’s happening. What is Photoyoga For Your Mind? Photoyoga For Your Mind is a journey of creative and inner discovery, where we explore photography as a metaphor and a tool. It helps us consider the hopes, challenges, and possibilities within and around us. The course is built around seven parts. These are delivered weekly and include an aspect of photography that creatively relates to personal development and reflection. Focus: We will pause to look at ourselves, to see where and who we are right now Light and shadows: We will be hunting shadows and getting familiar with their presence in the world Shutter and shield: We will be identifying the sound we make behind our shields and recognising how it speaks uniquely through our creative voice Story: We will reflect on the story we are writing with our lives, filling in plot holes and adjusting character arcs Cropping, boundaries: We will be embracing the spaces, finding the edges, and cropping out the unnecessary noise Editing, post-processing and recovery: We will be setting habits for processing, learning to recognise what we need, where it’s needed, and how to find it Wrap-up and closure: We will be bringing everything together, as we notice how the end of something is also a new beginning https://vimeo.com/839965423/582ba3c5c7?share=copy Fancy joining us? Learn more here. How Did Photoyoga Start? Photoyoga was co-created by Tuula Ahde in 2017 alongside a photographer and psychotherapist. They had both intuitively used photography as part of their recovery. They inadvertently discovered novel ways of combining simple creative acts with developing deeper self-understanding, awareness, and expression. And since then have journeyed with many people in building new resources for recovery and healing. Creativity can give us a voice when we can’t find the words. It can nurture strength when we feel broken. And it can provide simple actions to take when we feel unmotivated or unclear about what to do. Tuula has been running Photoyoga on her own since 2019. Until now, she has run the course with Finnish-speaking participants. So we were excited to introduce The Haven Edition in 2022, the first version translated and adapted from Finnish into English. Permission To Find Your Comfort Zone The technical quality of your photos is not as important as the emotions and personal significance they hold. Photoyoga is a mindful and intuitive approach to photography, using any equipment available – for instance, Tuula exclusively uses mobile phones for her shots. Sharing our photos and reflections is a powerful aspect of Photoyoga. It’s essential to have a platform to do so, which is why it works so well in the safe privacy of The Haven. Being receptive to giving and receiving comments can enhance the experience and increase self-awareness and personal development. You can contribute your photos and add encouraging words to those that others share. You are not obliged to share your photos, but if you’re willing to try, you might be amazed at how much more you can discover in them. Moreover, as you read about the thoughts and emotions your pictures have sparked in others, you’ll begin to notice more about yourself. Letting Go Throughout our time together, you will also learn how to pick the images that personally mean the most to you. As you let go of the desire to please others or look a certain way, you will develop the confidence to discern and recognise which images truly impress you. In other words, the ones that inspire you to stop, look, and feel something. There are no expectations or pressures on you. But people tend to get the most out of this journey when they are willing to challenge themselves slightly when responding to the prompts. We encourage you to be vulnerable with the prompts and to return to your comfort zone when sharing what you feel safe and comfortable within the group. A Photoyoga Prompt We share a Photoyoga-style prompt that Tuula created especially for this episode. It’s a chance to slow down, pause, and mindfully connect with your surroundings, yourself, and the present moment. What People Said Last Time “I thoroughly enjoyed the Photoyoga!! Even though I didn’t do the last few lessons with the group, I did go through each one. It’s such a beautiful, meaningful and fun course. Thank you and Tuula!!” Gillian “I learned so much about myself (again!) through not only doing the prompts and writing about them but hearing the reactions of others, especially Tuula. She sees deeply into people and is so generous with her attention to everyone in Photoyoga. Learning about other people’s stories helps me know we have so many shared thoughts and feelings even though our experiences differ. It was such a wonderful, supportive, and positive way to get to know other Havenites better. I can’t wait to do it again. And Tuula is the consummate guide throughout.” Zoie “I was looking for a photography class that would push me to greater depths and insights than I was getting by just sharing photos on Instagram. The Photoyoga class gave me exactly that: Tuula got us to really explore inside ourselves as we photography the outside world, and I ended up learning a lot about myself as a result. I also really appreciated going on the journey with other students and ended up becoming more excited about taking new kinds of pictures (something that didn’t happen with a course I took from a prestigious photography school). I wholeheartedly recommend Photoyoga to anyone interested in taking pictures!” – Emmon

Would you say you’re an ambitious person? What does ambition mean to you? After rediscovering an old review for the Atlum Schema LP, I was reflecting on this word. It celebrated its fourteenth anniversary in June, and I found the full video of the launch show from Harbour Lights Cinema in Southampton. The review said: “This is an ambitious, almost audacious debut from Atlum Schema. Back in the mid-eighties this would have been called ‘big music’ full of ideas, aspiration and emotion. The album has an incredible depth and variety, some memorable songs and sounds excellent. ‘Hold On’ could easily be a hit single if it got any airplay, and elsewhere ‘I Can’ is a moving story of lost love and regret. This is the sort of album that is either going to disappear without trace and be picked up on in 20 years as a lost classic, or it might just make its way onto this year’s Mercury Prize list. Either way, give it a listen now. You will be intrigued and impressed.” – New Sound Wales Other than having a comforting and terrifying realisation that the album is now only six years away from being picked up as a lost classic (it didn’t make it onto the 2009 Mercury Prize list), I was struck by the word “ambitious”. We were chatting about it in a Haven Kota gathering too. Not everyone relates to ambition, imagination, and goals similarly. Retrospective Ambition In a post from the old blog, I wrote about ambition: “I have always been highly motivated and driven to succeed at the things that pique my curiosity. In some senses, I am very ambitious. But my ambitions are difficult to define, and as a multipotentialite, they can be hard to measure.” I still resonate with this. I’m not sure “ambitious” or “audacious” are words anyone would use to describe me as a person. At least, I never have ambitious or audacious plans. So this difference between the creator and WHAT we create intrigues me. Can we do ambitious things without being “ambitious” people? What does it mean to have ambition? I didn’t set out to create anything ambitious or audacious. I rarely do. But things can spiral occasionally. Once the ideas gather momentum, things can get a little out of hand. This kind of ambition doesn’t feel ambitious when it’s happening. At least, not in the way I think of ambition. It’s not driven by a desire to achieve. It emerges from the playful question, “What if?” Experimental and Conceptual Ambition In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I take the idea that some people are Conceptual types and others are Experimental types and thread the notion of ambition through it. I first explored this distinction with Kendra Patterson on the theme of late bloomers. What’s The Difference? More conceptually oriented people can imagine a future outcome and figure out the best path to get from here to there. In contrast, experimental types start where they are and build incrementally, accumulating and integrating discoveries and experiences that take them from one step to the next. Imagine Where You’ll Be in Five Year’s Time Conceptual people can base their ambitions on what they imagine the future to look, feel, sound, smell, and taste like. But this is not as easy for experimental types. Imagining what life will look like in five years is impossible. As an experimental friend said to me recently, “Ask me where I’ll be in five years, and I’ll have to give you a call to let you know in five years”. In other words, life is unlikely to look like you can imagine it looking when you’re experimentally minded. Things will be learned and changed along the way. Our common assumptions and ways of operating in modern society build around conceptual models. We are encouraged to use labels, boxes, and measures for everything. And yet, so much of the world (and humanity) doesn’t fit that way of thinking. Common Conceptual Assumptions A conceptual mindset can be beneficial at times. It helps us stay focused and organised on particular things that need certain types of attention. It’s perfect for short-term goals and projects. In the episode, I consider the usefulness of some commonly accepted notions like “always begin with the end in mind”, genres, and “what you want to be when you grow up”. Ambition and Imagination I often hear people say that we need figures brave enough to dream big and imagine radically new horizons to get us out of the mess we’re in as a world. I recoil at this idea. It’s a jump to a conceptual framework that makes sense in theory. Still, it relies on individual visionaries and, as such, falls way short of our collective potential to imagine. So I wonder if we ignore the collective power of experimental imagination at our peril. I want to see a future based less on ambitious individual vision and more on building through creative collaborative wondering (and wandering). A future that grows piece by piece in the direction we have chosen to head together. Forget utopian promised lands flowing with milk and honey. Experimental imagination grows from the inside out. It can’t be conceptualised initially because we have no idea where it will take us. Looking back at how far we’ve come, we will say, “What an ambitious and audacious journey”. But only because we didn’t know we’d end up here en route to where we were going next. Ambition and Limits It’s interesting to consider the different relationships with limits concerning ambition for experimental and conceptual people. Experimental types might appear ambitious because their work keeps growing through the limits they encounter. An album might sound like an ambitious piece of work, but only because it wasn’t imagined to end in the way it did before it was started. It would be impossible to conceptualise the end because the end emerges as each step leads to the next along the way. Conceptual types identify an ambition from the outset and work towards the limits they set. They can dream big and set huge goals for themselves. The goal itself sets the limits. Anchors and Ambition “An anchor keeps a vessel at bay, planted in the harbour, unable to explore the freedom of the sea” – The Minimalists We discussed this in our Open Kota conversation—the image of anchors in our lives and how they can provide us with different things. Does an anchor give us freedom or does it inhibit our freedom? It depends… These are not permanent positions but places we might end up in for a while. Safely Anchored: securely integrated and committed to something or somewhere – finding meaning and connection Safely Unanchored: free to explore, discover, and grow (not needing to worry about ending up somewhere new) Unsafely Anchored: trapped, stuck, and unable to let go (being held onto by something that isn’t helping us grow) Unsafely Unanchored: aimless drift without appropriate resources (panic mode or giving up because there’s no obvious way to land) Foundational Bedrocks of Life We might feel safely/unsafely anchored/unanchored to these core areas of life: Place – physical environmentsPeople – relationshipsProjects – our occupations (e.g. work, school, hobbies, interests etc.)Philosophy – our core personal valuesPerson (Self) – our self-awareness of natural temperament What’s your relationship like with each of those areas right now?

Byung-Chul Han, philosopher and author of 'The Disappearance of Ritual' explores the differences between rituals and habits, festivals and events. The podcast delves into finding tranquility through rituals, contrasting them with the rush of novelty in the modern world. Rituals offer a sense of home in time, allowing us to come home, let go, and stop chasing fleeting moments.

We recently finished reading The Courage to Be Disliked: How to Free Yourself, Change Your Life, and Achieve Real Happiness by Kishimi and Koga in The Haven Book Club. In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I share reflections inspired by the five nights of discussions between the philosopher and youth in the book. Why We Need The Courage To Be Disliked The philosopher uses Alfred Adler’s Individual Psychology to help the young man consider ways to change his life. It revolves around the premise that true freedom comes from having the courage to be disliked. This courage to be disliked isn’t about wanting to be disliked. It’s about being OK if and when people dislike us, which as long as we are alive and engaging in interpersonal relationships, will happen. We can’t control what other people think, feel, and believe about us…that’s their task. The Cost of Seeking Approval: Losing Ourselves in the Quest for Acceptance We can lose ourselves if we fear those we admire disliking us. We might park our core values and inner compass if it means being accepted and recognised by the “right” people. This reflects a script we write early in life through our drive for safety and belonging. Who must I be? What do I need to do and not do to remain safe and protected? Self-Worth, Achievement, and The Courage To Be Disliked I recently heard a sportsperson say, “I love winning, but what makes me a dangerous opponent is that I don’t mind losing. I’ve done it often, and it’s not that bad.” This is a particular type of freedom. He has separated losing from his story of self-worth. Acceptance at the level of being (whether or not I win, I am OK) rather than at the level of doing (I must win to be worthy of acceptance). The courage to be disliked is the same. If someone doesn’t like me, it’s their task. Although it’s preferable to be appreciated, I can’t compel anyone else to respect me. That’s up to them. Does The Past Determine Our Future, or Can We Change It Our life is not a script we have to live by, handed to us by someone or something in the past, but something we write in the here and now. While past events influence the story we live, they don’t determine what happens next. Determining Blame and Finding Fault “Who can we blame?” is a question that permeates society today. Unfortunately, it’s often our first response. As such, we might spend time pointing fingers, looking over our shoulders, and covering our tracks, ironically creating a more dangerous world to protect ourselves from. Unhappiness As a Choice The young man also adopts a victim mentality, which is evident in his conclusion that he would be happier if he were only like his friend. But, of course, he knows he cannot be another person. So, he permits himself not to accept himself by telling a story about why other people have lives easier and better than his. Interpersonal Relationship Problems and The Social Shadow According to Adler, the primary task of a person’s behaviour is to be self-reliant (responsible for our judgements, choices, and beliefs) and to live in harmony with society (a conscious development and awareness of social connectedness and community feeling). Self-reliance isn’t about becoming the proverbial island and doing everything independently. Instead, it’s about recognising what we are responsible for so we don’t interfere with other people’s tasks. An Age of Connected Loneliness and The Social Shadow If we interfere in this for one another, we create disconnection, distrust, and loneliness. Loneliness, in this sense, isn’t being without people; it is having people around but feeling alienated from them. The prevalence of loneliness in our modern world reveals a paradox of increasing connectivity and isolation. Despite being more interconnected than ever, we also experience greater isolation. Loneliness arises from a lack of connection with others. The more disconnected we feel from people, the more intense our loneliness becomes. It’s important to remember that communication alone does not constitute a genuine relationship. Inferiority, Superiority, and Equality One’s inferiority/superiority complex tends to place blame on others for all problems. This mindset fosters envy and resentment and creates enemies, further perpetuating this negative outlook on the world. This pattern is prevalent in both politics and social media today. Why do so many people struggle to enjoy the success they work hard to reach? Because they build it through a lens of competition, the foundation of which is a complex landscape “overflowing with enemies”. Adler describes a healthy feeling of inferiority emerging through our relationship within ourselves rather than in comparison to others. We have a playful and intuitive knowledge about what we want to improve. We are drawn to plant, grow, and harvest. This is baked into our sense of purpose and meaning as we survive and thrive. Likewise, a healthy desire for superiority is not related to our position compared with others but to our “ideal self”. We are improving ourselves and the conditions around us. The ideal self is not a place we can reach but an organising structure around which we make choices that support a meaningful lifestyle. Holding Boundaries and Letting Go Of Other People’s Tasks Boundaries are not about shutting people out but understanding how to separate tasks and discard those that don’t belong to us. We shouldn’t mistake separating tasks with separating ourselves from one another as humans. Encouragement Not Praise In Punished By Rewards, Alfie Kohn looks at the evidence against the common assumption that people change their behaviour through positive reinforcement like incentives and praise. He points out the conspicuous absence of the long-term in the evidence people use to support rewards, leading us to some unhelpful conclusions. People DO change their behaviour in the short run when presented with positive outcomes for doing so, but this makes us dependent on external motivation. When the rewards are dropped, so too is the behaviour. It turns out that we are not incentivised by the behaviour but by the incentive. The rather dispiriting conclusion is that we are less likely to act from intrinsic meaning and community feeling when our reality is built around systematic incentives and rewards. Beware of The Cookie Cutter En-courage-ment is about helping give rise to courage in another and supporting them in becoming more of themselves. Not moulding them into who we think they should be (or who we need them to be for our cookie-cutter convenience). The Freedom of Being Disliked When our sense of self-worth is tied to external rewards, breaking from the fear of what people think (and the desire to be liked) can feel impossible. This underpins people-pleasing patterns. In this sense, being liked is praise and being disliked is punishment. So we might gravitate towards doing what we hope will get us recognition. And we avoid doing what we’ve learned people reject. No One Lives At The Centre of The World Narcissism is underpinned by a sense of entitlement to success, power, and control over others. As a result, some people place themselves at the centre of the world and blame their struggles on external factors. There is a distinction between the centre of the world and the centre of our own life. Community Feeling and The Many Centres of The World Individualism becomes toxic when it removes us from the collective story and leaves us fighting for our place in the group (the feeling that it’s OK to be here). Community feeling isn’t based on conditional belonging within a particular context (e.g. the household, school, workplace, or neighbourhood). Instead, it covers regions, nations, continents, humanity, all living things, non-living entities, and the entire axis of time from the past into the future. The Storm In a Teacup Looking at it this way serves a purpose, providing an anchor of connection and perspective when facing overwhelming and hopeless situations—for example, a toxic workplace, political turmoil, bullying at school, or an unbearable family environment. Drawing community feeling from outside the proverbial storm in a teacup (shrinking the whole world to a single place in time) might take the edge off the immediate challenge and give us a foundation to establish a purposeful path forward. Respect For Authority The world doesn’t have a centre. So, no one (not even the most recognised or influential person) is more deserving of belonging than anyone else, not at the level of being. The ultimate show of respect is to allow space for humans to be humans. Equal at the level of being regardless of age, gender, race, sexuality, intelligence, etc. To Live in the Here and Now Life is like a piece of music. The goal is not to reach the end. It’s to move in the rhythm and melody of the here and now. And we play our part in the music of this moment, contributing, collaborating, and creating. For human beings, life is about more than survival. We are creatures of meaning and connection, with the capacity for joy, love, and transcendence. The Difference Between Affirmation and Acceptance Happiness is found through accepting “one’s incapable self as is” and building life from that place. Affirmations can be delusional and are linked to what we do, encouraging us to make suggestions such as “You got this, ” “I can do it, ” or ” I am strong, ” even when something is beyond our ability, and we are overwhelmed. They don’t give us courage because they’re more like a demand “I should have this, I ought to be able to do this, I must be strong…” to be accepted. Self-acceptance says, “It doesn’t matter if I do, don’t, or can’t have this; I’m still fundamentally OK.” Fear of Being Disliked and How We Judge The World Our judgement of the world is influenced by the story we focus on. If one person criticises us, two unconditionally accept us, and seven are indifferent to our actions, who do we focus on? Where do we invest our attention and energy? In the one person who dislikes us, the two who love us, or those who don’t care (the crowd)? The End is Not The Goal A train runs to the top of Yr Wyddfa (Snowdon) in North Wales, yet hundreds of people climb it daily. We might think the goal of climbing a mountain is to reach the top. But it’s not. The purpose of climbing a mountain is to climb it. There are often quicker ways to get to the end. But the destination is part of the process rather than the goal. Without the top, we have no direction. Even though it signals the end, the goal of life isn’t death. But the reality of death is what gives us access to energy. To meaning, love, and life.

How can we nurture environments and habits for playful mischief and gentle rebellion in our lives, relationships, and communities? In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I chat with Emma Bearman, the founder of Playful Anywhere, whose mission is to catalyse creativity, inventiveness and playfulness at home, work, and on our travels. https://youtu.be/QNCr4gtr83s The Transformative Power of Playfulness in a Serious World The benefits of play are not easily measurable. The roots go deep, and they can transform our lives, our communities, and the world over time. Experiences are often carefully crafted so that they are consumed or performed rather than created by participants. Do we feel like we belong in the places we live? In a world oriented towards consumption, participation in making, creating, and exploring ourselves and the world can be an act of gentle rebellion. Play Through Boredom, Limitations, and Our Own Resourcefulness Have you ever felt creatively blocked by the paradox of choice? Can too much time and too many resource options inhibit creativity? Emma and I discussed the potential of small places and how play is like digging deep into nothing and coming up with treasure. The Joy Of Seeing Others Have Fun Emma talks about building environments and nurturing conditions for meaningful things to grow. She doesn’t need to be in the centre and loves standing by and watching people play in spaces she has helped create. There is something delightful about seeing something you’ve facilitated bring joy to people engaging with it. Mischievous Curiosity Playful mischief can include combining objects and ideas in unusual places and ways (like turning shipping containers into Playboxes). Where are the gaps waiting for us to bring weird things together? Playfulness is disarming. Like humour, it is a way to question the status quo without creating defensiveness in others. You can achieve aims and create radical change in playful, friendly, cheeky ways without being antagonistic and “poking bears” with sticks. It provides space to address serious issues without dividing and backing people into positions where they won’t listen or engage with others. Playfulness is a soothing balm that gives us another way to hold the false binaries and positions we are often expected to adopt. It reminds us of all the common ground and the public space we can meet, grow, and engage with each other at the level of being. Play is an empowering spirit that allows organic change to occur. It doesn’t require force or performance. Connecting Through Our Universal Experiences The question, “what was it like for you growing up?” is another disarming way to connect with people. We all have a story and formative reasons for becoming who we are. This connection to childhood may have positive or negative memories, but they underpin this story and provide a pathway to empathy and compassion. Play can lead to self-compassion. Allowing us to get alongside our inner child and give them what they needed but didn’t have. And we can reconnect with what gave them joy. Childlike Wonder and Daftness As we grow up, we don’t need to lose our childlike wonder and daftness. On the contrary, it’s an essential aspect of our humanity. It is liberating and constructive to say, “I don’t know the answer; let’s explore and experiment!” Rather than believing that we need to know (or pretend to know) all the answers. This is important for our well-being and is transformative as we model it for others to observe. It’s safe, accepting, and freeing. The Space Between Here and There (or here) Play and adventure aren’t about the answer/solution/destination. They are the substance of the story. The glue that binds everything together. We can’t predict, control, or prescribe it. Things unfold as things unfold. Ambiguity can be threatening. We want a list of tasks, up-and-to-the-right progress, and the sense that we’re “getting there”. But playfulness is a beautifully gooey timeless moment that must be explored without pressure to realise its potential. Learning to enjoy the “I don’t know yet” space is a great way to make better decisions. It allows dots to connect in their own time. This also helps us slow down and listen to more than just the surface of a situation. A Gentle Sanctuary in The Middle Of The Noise Emma describes one project where her team created a quiet, down-low, gentle bubble in a noisy city centre. The energy was like a sanctuary in the middle of chaos. We talk about Emma’s leadership approach and the power of sitting back and letting things happen. Through her approach, she gently questions the drive towards performative busyness that we engage in to feel and look worthy and valuable. I wonder if this is one of a leader’s most undervalued roles in a community project. It takes great courage because it can look passive and feel unproductive. But it sets the pace, tone, and permission for safety and calm. It dances with the energy and infuses the environment gently (firm back, soft front). Play is in the Person, Not The Toy Play doesn’t have to happen in a playground. It doesn’t require equipment. It often can’t be fully described or understood. Play is a spontaneous explosion of creative energy. It’s how we hold the world, and it can be found anywhere. Michael Rosen describes toys as simple physical props that enable and enhance play. It might be a stick, a stone, an empty milk carton, or a shoelace. In this sense, toys are gateways to secret worlds. They allow us to dream, imagine, and create fantastical landscapes wherever we are. There is Play Everywhere Emma and I discussed ways to infuse everyday life with more play. What struck me was the fact that all of them are free. They don’t require us to buy or learn anything new. They are instantly accessible. Make Stories Look under the sofa, in your pockets, and around the room. Where are the missing socks? What would the shampoo say about the current political climate? How do the frozen peas feel when they wake up out of their state of deep cryogenic sleep? Slow Down What are the kids looking at? What is catching their attention? How do things seem different today? What if you changed the route and got slightly lost on the way home? Choose The Playful Lens Ask, “what can I do with this?” as you pick up a piece of paper, open the fridge, or collect all the clutter from the car. When things feel heavy and serious, ask how you might see the situation if you wore your playful glasses. Reconnect with a hobby that you used to get lost in.