Does your thinking ever trip you up? Are there times when you wish you could turn off your thoughts? In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I talk to neuropsychology professor and author Dr Chris Niebauer, who is the author of No Self, No Problem: How Neuropsychology is Catching Up To Buddhism. There is so much to unpack about creative play, flow, and learning to hold ourselves and the world in more helpful, healthy, and humane ways. I was excited to speak with Chris after reading the book. The way we process information and make decisions is heavily influenced by the functioning of our brain, precisely the distinction between the left and right hemispheres. While the left hemisphere is associated with logical and analytical thinking, the right hemisphere is thought to be responsible for creative and intuitive thinking. But is it really that simple? “Where is the self when no one is thinking about it?” Chris says that many of the problems we experience in life are tied to our self-concept. The question of who we are. Or who we believe ourselves to be. But what if the self is little more than a series of stories we tell ourselves through categories, names, and labels? Do these explain what it really means to be us? Who are you when you’re not thinking about it? Thinking With a Both/And Approach We are not searching for the true self on one side or the other. We want the enjoy the dance of left and right brain integration in our experiences. Split-Brain Research and Investigating Two Sides of The Mind Split-brain research refers to the study of the effects of severing the corpus callosum, the structure that connects the two hemispheres of the brain. It suggests there are two fundamentally different modes of processing the world, which we can shift between. This has led to the popular idea that the brain’s left hemisphere is more logical and analytical and processes language. In contrast, the right hemisphere is more creative and intuitive and processes spatial information. For more information about split-brain research, Chris recommends The Master and His Emissary: The Divided Brain and the Making of the Western World by Iain McGilchrist. Tools of The Thinking Interpreter The split-brain studies found an inner interpreter in the left brain, which makes up stories to explain the world and justify our decisions. Categorical identities inform our judgements and beliefs. The story of me that can be taken away at any minute (what we invest our sense of identity in). We need categories, judgements, and beliefs but problems often stem from how we hold them to the idea of an essential or true self. The right brain embraces a more eternal, non-material, and non-categorical position. The self is fundamentally mysterious; if you think you’ve pinned it down, it will escape your grasp. It’s attracted to not knowing and mystery. It’s an excellent partner for creativity because it takes us further into the questions rather than pursuing a definitive, once and for all, answer. This is the source of profound and wonderful meaning in life. Who is Left When Things Change? If we attach our sense of self to abilities, labels, and circumstances, what happens if those things are lost or changed? The left brain creates constructs to help us understand and filter the world, but if we over-identify with them, they can cause create anguish when they disappear. Who are you beneath those current realities? Who would be left if things shifted? Thinking helped us evolve as a species. It sets us apart from other animals. It’s a blessing when we use it in the right way. It gets us out of problems, helps us improve situations, and gives us bodily survival. But this is not the totality of what it means to be human. Are we using the mind, or is the mind using us? Is there more to us than our thinking? Are we more than our thoughts? Thinking Through The Past, Future, and Present The left brain is interested in using the past to inform the future. It can actively and creatively shift the trajectory of life. It’s amazing! But it can also cause us distress when we become caught up in its stories. The right brain is our ever-presence. The observer beneath the noise of thought. It is only here now, absorbed in the always current moment. We might think of the distinction as the left brain designing the tool and the right brain becoming absorbed in the flow of making things with the tool. The left brain might rush to find answers to change the future, whereas the right brain is patient, rhythmic, and can only experience the present. How To Engage The Right Brain Without Over-thinking It Thinking defines much of our existence. We think we’re thinking all the time, but we are also in right-brain modes of processing more than we realise. Chris suggests an exercise to help us become aware of these moments of flow and play. He links this awareness to the idea that “it’s never too late to have a happy childhood”. We play the piano; we don’t work it. When the thinking mind returns online, it tries to diminish what was happening when it wasn’t there. Like someone who shows up late to a party and doesn’t believe it started until they get there. Everything is seen from the left brain’s reality. The left brain is serious. The right brain is more playful. You Can’t Force The Right Brain To Play With Left Brain Thinking It’s said that “you can’t get there from here”. You can only philosophise about this so much. It’s the mode of left-brain thinking. So we need to create conditions for right brain processing. It happens when we “zone out” – driving to work with the radio on, singing along, and losing ourselves to the moment. Then the left brain kicks in at work, and we assess that moment as “zoning out”. The left brain plays unending games of self-improvement. The quest for the perfect process takes us away from the right brain in our search for flow. We measure things, challenge ourselves, and gamify for progress. There is a subtle difference between gamification and play in this context. When we come to a right brain activity, the left brain loves to sabotage it (measuring it, growing it, turning it into competition etc.). A part of you is always already in the present moment. “Trying” to get into it is just another left-brain thing. It’s not about getting rid of the left brain; it’s about integrating it into a more balanced life. Don’t Confuse The Symbol For The Thing Language is a left-brain phenomenon. It’s amazing. It’s the core of civilisation. But it also tricks us into mistaking symbols for things. So words become what they’re not. They can hurt even though they are not intrinsically painful. The left brain might say, “I recognise these games, and I’m going to stop playing them”, but that’s another form of the game. Embracing Non-Dualism in a Binary World The world feels dualistic. We are separate from each other. But this is our way of understanding an uncertain and mysterious reality through categorisation and storytelling. In other words, the left brain gives structure so that we can be productive. But this productivity doesn’t have an essential truth to it. It’s just fun. We can play with it as we learn to see it as it is. Thinking of Life as an Escape Room Chris suggests we might imagine life like an escape room surrounded by clues that take us home. There’s something intrinsically resonant with the idea of finding our way home. He suggests we can think of human existence, where consciousness got lost in the left brain stories, but we are full of clues to the mystery of life. And we can think of our lives as a playful exercise in piecing together a puzzle, where each experience holds the key for the next room. Maybe we get to figure things out like it’s a mystery to explore and enjoy. We move through various rooms that transform us and bring us back to where we started. Like a song or a circular walk, it’s about the process to get back to where we started, not the destination itself. It’s all about what happens between here and here. Most of Everything is Nothing Most of everything is nothing. Try to think about emptiness. You can’t think about the infinite nothingness of space and time. Our left brain clambers for something concrete, but the fun thing about those concepts is they are impossible to grasp. When we confuse the symbol for the thing itself, we fail to hold the object’s reality because most of it is nothing. Eternity is an excellent example of a word we speak but cannot grasp. When we use language to define things, we try to categorise them. But there is much more to everything than we can hope to capture with a sound or scribble. Without space, we have no form. Therefore, void is form, and form is void. The left brain can only focus on nominal symbols and objects (things we give names to), while the right brain focuses on emptiness and space. It’s the silence between the notes—the margin around the edges. The Joy of Bad Days We often tell people to “have a good day”. But good days are dependent on bad days. So, likewise, joy is dependent on the struggle. Many of my most memorable and meaningful days have been underpinned by finding something I lost, fixing something I broke, or succeeding at something I feared or previously failed. Finding, fixing, growing, healing, and succeeding all require life not to be perfect. We wouldn’t choose to suffer, but we can understand how suffering creates meaning, connection, and creativity. Through suffering, we find opportunities to come together, innovate, and build relationships between people and things that change the world. Memory, Meaning, and The Constant Self The left brain loves the story of continuity. It wants a single Self that is the same throughout life. But what IS the constant self? It’s something more profound than identity. Identity changes many times each day, and it will ebb, flow, and morph over a lifetime. Things will become more or less important and feel more or less natural, depending on the story we tell ourselves based on the story the world values at any given moment. So there is something else that provides our sense of what it means to feel ourselves. Awareness. Observation. Consciousness. Playing With The Story of Self When we surrender our absolute identification with the left brain processes, there is a shift, and the right brain becomes more valued and playful. When we approach it with playfulness (not seriousness about playfulness), all the left-brain stories become less serious, and we can have some fun with them. They can become harmless if the playful side of our spirit approaches them. Maybe there are positive selves that come out. We don’t need to identify with them, but we can enjoy them. We can hold them lightly. Suffering comes from holding our desire too seriously and tightly. We will likely suffer if we take a story too seriously (positive or negative). This is not a rule; it’s an observation of the mechanics of the mind. All identities, if taken playfully, have the potential to work out wonderfully. Mind 2.0 (Human Creativity and Artificial Intelligence) Until now, homo-sapiens have dominated the planet as the most clever thinkers. But we’ve replicated thinking and created technology that transcends our left-brain thinking capabilities. When it comes to strategy, survival, and predicting the behaviour of others, Artificial Intelligence will outthink us. This is because it can think multiple thoughts at a time and have multiple relationships simultaneously. So if we’re not the dominant thinkers, what do we have? We move to the right brain. What do we do besides thinking? Beyond the left brain, a whole level of mysterious processes defines our existence far beyond thinking. It’s a great time to explore what this means, how we can engage it, and what it means for our human potential. Watch The Full Conversation https://youtu.be/J22W86vegaE Music Inspired By The Conversation After I finished speaking to Chris, I recorded the piece of music that ends the episode. https://youtu.be/NmbqEI59iUk

There’s been a shift in the conversation about strength and character. Some weird messages have infused mainstream culture and are clearly impacting how people relate to one another (and themselves). We sometimes confuse weakness for strength and write off strength as a weakness. In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I want to dive into weak traits that I’ve seen confused with strength. We will think about the characteristics of genuine strength and consider ways to create conditions for more of it in ourselves and others. Life requires various types of heavy lifting. We may find the strength required when we greet challenges with a firm back and soft front. What is Strength? Strength is the ability to lift, carry, pull, throw, and hold heavy things. But not just physical stuff. We also need the strength to hold, carry, and let go of situations, people, challenges, emotions, stressors, thoughts, and other everyday things. Unavoidable Heavy Lifting – Life in Funeral Care I worked in the funeral industry for six years as an undertaker. I discuss some of the strengths the job required from and developed in me. My experiences continue to teach me much about what strength means and how we see it demonstrated in the world. And also, some of the ways we confuse weakness for strength, especially in our expectations for how we ought to hold (conceal, deny, hide) the burdens we carry. Physical Strength One lesson from that job was that the strength of the whole is greater than the sum of the strength of individuals. It’s about more than power. It requires learned technique, awareness, understanding, and thoughtful preparation. When you understand what a situation requires, the resources you have to use, and you plan appropriately, strength comes through collaboration. You put everyone at risk when you believe you can do it alone (or that you don’t need others). Emotional Strength The job also taught me about emotional strength. In a moment of chaos, confusion, and grief, we need to anchor into other people as a source of strength. Sometimes we need someone to take control of the situation and guide or direct us with simple stepping stones that give us small footing when we’re all at sea. Other times we might need an undemanding calming presence around us. And sometimes, our way of coping with loss is to take control of the world around us (organising people, events etc). I learned it takes strength to be flexible, to be what’s required in that moment, and not to take it personally. Letting Go of What We Carry If we don’t have healthy ways to let go, we might shut off and bottle feelings up. This can lead to indiscriminate, inappropriate, and uncontrolled expressions of unprocessed emotions. In the same way, as we might shake out our muscles after heavy lifting, it’s essential to do the same with our emotional muscles. To warm down, stretch, and release it all in ways that work for us. Find Healthy Ways To Unload Shaking out the emotional muscles looks different for everyone. It might be going for a walk, getting fresh air, creating, writing, recording experiences, talking to a trusted friend or family member about it, singing, playing with kids or animals, and so on. Whatever brings us back to our creative core. Collective Strength From Sharing The Load We are more likely to feel weak when we are isolated and alone. This is especially true when we face challenges and struggles. Conversely, we get stronger when we feel safe and confident to ask for help and receive support. What Strength is NOT “It is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it” Douglas Adams Domination, Power, and Control True strength is the capacity to change, morph, grow, and develop. Conversely, weakness remains rigid, unyielding, and brittle when we need to be flexible and able to bow with the wind. Abusing a position of power is not a sign of strength; it’s a sign of weakness—an inability to hold responsibility with respect and reverence. Characteristics of weak leaders: ridiculing others, abusing trust, allowing envy to control them, a victim mindset, inability to articulate a positive vision (that doesn’t involve eliminating others), viewing everything as a game, lacking self-awareness, and being unable to see the role they play in their repeated misfortune (it’s never their fault). Gentle Force Some things must be gently forced through perseverance, grit, and stamina. When something really matters, these attributes help us endure fatigue and the desire to give up when something is important to us but hard. Maybe you can think of times when you required the strength to keep going even though you wanted to give up. Be proud of yourself and take that story with you as fuel for the future. Brittle Force Brittle force is fragile and insecure beneath the surface. It’s a front, which, if hit too hard, will shatter and reveal very little within. It cracks if it gets hit too hard, revealing a rather wobbly back. The opposite of firm back, soft front gentleness. Personal Weakness Through Symbolic Strength Sometimes we substitute our own strength for the power of symbolic identity. For example, we lean on a background, job role, or symbolic societal position to make us feel strong. This can lead to horrific abuses of power. Flexibility and Stress Responses “Strength is not born of strength; strength can be born only from weakness. So, be glad of your weakness now – they are the beginnings of your strength” – Dr Claire Weekes Something or someone who thinks they are strong enough will not become stronger. It is from weakness and flexibility that strength grows. Like a tree growing reaction wood in response to the wind, we are built in relation to the world around us. Gradually becoming stronger through weakness. It’s an often unseen process that can’t be forced or rushed. It happens over time as we encounter the world. But we can also influence it through our awareness and choices. The Greek word Aphiēmi is translated in many ways, and I find it a beneficial tool for thinking about strength. Especially our capacity for strengthening our responses to people, experiences, and situations we might face. Reaction Wood and Contingent Strength Our source of reaction wood might be found in the place we don’t default to. Not in how we automatically hold the world, ourselves, and others. Strength is born from weakness. Strength Might Require: learning to ‘yield’ when your default response is to dominate and control. learning to ‘stand firm’ when your default reaction is to let go of your desire to keep the peace. learning to ‘pardon’ when you find it easy to hold a grudge. learning to hold accountability when you usually just let things slide. learning to ‘tolerate’ when you don’t want to hear or attempt to understand another person’s perspective. learning to ‘permit’ when you tend to complain, clamp down and eradicate. learning to ‘divorce’ when you keep coming back to the site of pain, hoping something will magically change learning to ‘abandon’ when you are desperate to stay, no matter the cost to your health. learning to ‘forgive’ when you want to punish. learning to let go when you are desperate to hold on and learning to hold on when you want to throw it away. How To Strengthen an Argument Trees grow faster in a human-made biosphere than they do in the wild. But before reaching maturity, they collapse under their own weight in those conditions. Without wind, they are unable to form reaction wood (stressed/tension wood) that keeps them strong. The bio-dome is like an echo chamber. It gives rapid growth to ideas untested and untouched by anything outside that bubble. But our ideas, thoughts, opinions etc., only become strong when exposed to some stress from the outside. Avoidance, Resilience, and Support When we focus solely on the individual as the source of strength, we risk turning personal power into a collective weakness. Collective strength, which has been key to human survival throughout history, requires and emerges from supportive environments and structures. Support comes from above or below. We might think of this as the difference between being safe TO fail or safe FROM failure. Safe from failure is biosphere-style protection, where we aim to keep harm out. Safe to fail is like a net to catch us when we fall. Strength and Humour Strength often requires an ability to laugh at ourselves. Carl Reiner said, “Inviting people to laugh with you while you are laughing at yourself is a good thing to do. You may be a fool but you’re the fool in charge.” I’m always wary of people who take themselves too seriously. Once you push their button, which you will (whether you intend to or not), they can be dangerous in their effort to save face. Active Stillness Strength requires active stillness. We find it in the space between the trigger and our response. It’s an intentional choice to slow down. A reminder to take a moment to breathe and observe within and without. What do we feel? What do we need? How do we want to hold this thing before us? The Pause When compulsion to prove my point overcomes meAnd my need to respond is fuelled by urgency,My mind races to be rightMy senses rise to the fightAnd then I reluctantly remember…The Pause.The humbling, painful PauseThe uncomfortable, brakes-on PauseThe beautiful, let-things-sit PauseThat turns my focus from agitationTo curious investigationUnravelling my defences to uncover adeeper wisdom.The Pause that is active yet still,Noticing but not heavy liftingPermission granter for things to unfoldSpace creator for quiet questions to evolve. – Ange Disbury, 2022 Ange shared this poem with us after our Kota session. Read more of her work on her website.

It isn’t easy to keep up with the pace of life. It can feel like time is running away, and there’s always more to do than we can manage. So it’s no wonder many people are trying to figure out how to slow it all down. But what does slowing down mean? What do we want to let go of? And how do we make these changes in a world that expects more and more from us? In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I want to go beneath the surface and explore some of the profound benefits of slowing down. Slow Consumption in a World Of Instant Knowledge This topic is on my mind as I plan the next Haven Book Club. We are reading The Courage to Be Disliked, to which we will dedicate the next four months. What will slowing down make possible? How much more will we see, explore, and experience by not rushing? What will greet us in the gaps between the sessions and the vast depths as we reflect and process the ideas, and our conversations about them, over time? It’s reassuring to know that we could quickly acquire an overview of a book’s core concepts if we had to. So what if tools like Blinkest, StoryShorts, and Snapreads allow us to take our time with the books we want to read instead? To mine the depths for the kind of wisdom and mindful insights that don’t come from knowledge hoarding. These valuable tools can reinforce and support our goal of slowing down. But only if we choose to approach them that way. If we only ingest bitesize nugget versions of books, we might struggle to open space for the inner conversations that lead to self-awareness and intentional growth. Slowing Down and Control Slowing down can help us let go of the need for control. It’s about understanding that growth starts with roots that emerge from seeds planted in the dark. These are processes beneath and beyond our field of vision. Not an easy thing to do in a world that likes quick and visible results. What’s The Point of Personal Productivity? I spent a lot of time, money and thought on productivity tools and time management techniques. I would hand hours over to designing my “ideal week” and perfect processes to deal with emails, social media, and my morning routine. But invariably, the more I focussed on being productive, the more overwhelmed I felt. This “productivity trap” is where we end up using productivity to free time to do more. It seems obvious, but it doesn’t feel like it when we’re stuck in that mode of thought, where we tell ourselves that with the right formula, technique, or process, we will finally have all the time in the world for the important stuff. This is accompanied by that dreaded feeling that we should be doing more. Because there is always more to do, even if we optimise our routine and clear our schedule, “more” will slip in. If these productivity techniques are not helping us do what we’re already doing but slower, they are probably not helping us. Rather than asking, “what do I want more time to do?” maybe we could ask, “what do I want to be able to do more slowly if I choose to?” We can use that as a starting point from which to design the foundations of our life. How Does Slowing Down Reduce Stress? I had some fun with ChatGPT recently. It’s a fascinating (slightly terrifying) tool that I believe might be able to inadvertently reconnect us with our humanity. Recognising where we have given ourselves to machine-like actions and behaviours and reconnecting with the creative play that makes us who we are. I thought I’d ask how slowing down reduces stress. It told me that slowing down can help reduce stress in a few different ways: Slowing down allows you to break from everyday demands and pressures It can help you gain perspective and prioritise your tasks Slowing down helps you become more present – getting caught up in your thoughts and worries about the future is easy when rushing through life It can help you cultivate healthy habits – allowing you to engage in activities that promote relaxation and well-being Nothing particularly groundbreaking in that response. Perhaps a reminder that we know why slowing down is a good thing to do. What Would Help Me Slow Down in Life? I got a bit more practical with my questions. Could ChatGPT shed any light on HOW to slow down? Apparently so. But aren’t they things we’ve heard a million times before? It said that are many things I can try to help me slow down, including: Set limits on your commitments. Try to be more selective about what you take on, and say no to things that don’t align with your values or that you don’t have the time or energy for. Practice mindfulness. This means paying attention to the present moment and your surroundings rather than getting caught up in your thoughts or worries about the past or future. You can try mindfulness meditation or focus on your breath and surroundings for a few minutes each day. Take breaks throughout the day to rest and recharge. This could be as simple as taking a few deep breaths or walking outside. Prioritise self-care by engaging in activities that promote relaxation and well-being, such as exercising, spending time in nature, or doing something you enjoy. Schedule time for activities that bring you joy and help you relax, such as reading, spending time with friends and family, or pursuing a hobby. Find ways to streamline and simplify your daily routine, such as decluttering your space or creating a to-do list to stay organised. Instead of rushing through tasks, try to be more mindful and present as you go about your day. This can help you feel calmer and more focused. There’s a pattern emerging. It sounds right, but I’m not sure it helps us get to the root. The great thing about ChatGPT is that it gives us a rundown of what doesn’t need to be repeated. So what are we missing if these points have been made enough times for chatbots to regurgitate them with such familiar sentiments? Why are we still trying to figure out how to slow down? Perception of Pace How we perceive time is quite a weird thing. I remember when I first performed with a drum machine (pre-programmed sampler). Even though it was set at the same tempo as the original song, it felt slow when playing live. The world slows down when we are in a heightened state of alertness. But our ability to connect with what’s happening around us can be impacted. It might be helpful to consider the role stress plays in our relationship with time, focus, and attention. Are we seeing, hearing, and feeling things as they are, or does reality conform to what we expect and anticipate? What Do We Want When We Seek a Slower Life? What sits beneath our desire to slow life down? Where do we feel things slipping away? What causes us to rush? Why is slowing down one of those things we know we want but struggle to do? Slowing Down Our Important Tasks Maybe we are caught in the habit of rushing, where we speed through everything without any apparent reason. We might have learned to fill our lives with busy work because slowness is the worst thing. It means laziness, lacking ambition, wasting time and taking up valuable space. There are a lot of value judgements and stories of worth associated with the pace we bring to life. And many ways we shape our lives so that we might avoid the critical and judgemental voice from having a go at us. Perhaps we have a lot to do, so we cannot spend much time on the things that matter. Maybe life feels like a to-do list, and we’ve got to get from one thing to the next. Everything is essential; everything is urgent. So the solution we are after is not necessarily slowing down but doing less, outsourcing responsibility, or getting help. If we focus on slowing down but still have the same number of things on the to-do list, we increase the amount of strain and stress on our plate. The Risk of Rushing We might associate speed with value. Fast things are good things. But what about rushing? If you’ve ever tried to do something in a rush, you’ve probably experienced the ironic delay from needing to tidy up mistakes, misunderstandings, and spillages. Sometimes rushing can get us where we don’t want to go more quickly. Speed as a Tool Learning to slow down isn’t about rejecting a faster pace. It’s about learning to choose it when it’s necessary. Speed changes are a tool we can pull out of the box when life requires it. Why Do Time Management Tools Make Us Busier? There’s a strange paradox at work in time management. The more efficient we get, the busier we become. As we’ve already looked at, the tools we use to eradicate stress become sources of stress. Enjoyment is Not The Destination Not having the things we want is where we find enjoyment—it’s all about the journey towards the thing that makes the thing itself meaningful. Hipsters know this (even if they’re not necessarily aware of why). It’s why they spend an hour brewing a cup of coffee when they could do it in five minutes. It’s why vinyl rose in popularity as music became instantly accessible through streaming platforms. Where Do We Get to Slow Down Now? The more we solve the problems we think we have, the less true enjoyment we have access to. What would you like to enjoy more in this way? Slowness is a Beautiful Waste of Time We are spending four months on one book. How does that sound to you? What might it make possible? Does that seem like a waste of time? Or a rich, deep, and expansive experience? Do you think of fast as good and slow as bad? Do you think slowing down is uncomfortable when there’s so much to do, see, and experience? How do you stop and find peace when there’s more to do, see, and experience? Why I Call Myself a Slow Coach Slowcoach is a bit of an insult. It describes someone moving or acting slowly. But that’s why my inner rebel thought it was a perfect way to describe my coaching approach. A high-speed train might get us to where we want to go faster, but a slowcoach allows space for adventure, sensory awareness, and spontaneity on the way. Making time for slowness (if we want to choose it) allows space for depth. Slow coaching isn’t about forcing slowness but letting it when desired. Without the sense that by slowing down, we are making everything else more stressful. What do I want time to do more slowly if I choose? What Would You Like To Waste Your Time On? When we go slower, we can explore more. We might see more. We might hear more. Slowing down allows us to see, hear, smell, taste, and feel more of what is around us. It helps us listen to what is being said, not what we anticipate is being said. We only notice what we already understand if we skim a book. We will overlook new concepts if our brains don’t recognise the patterns and we don’t give ourselves time to learn. It’s the same if we listen to audio or watch a video at high-speed. This can be a helpful tool if needed. Time wasted can give rise to valuable memories, enjoyable experiences, and creative breakthroughs. What do you want to waste time on today? What would happen if you chose to slow down and truly listen, play, create, watch, and enjoy? Where is the space FOR that more meaningful stuff?

You don’t need me to tell you we live in divided times. This is especially true regarding beliefs, ideas, and opinions about how things should be. Grappling with these personal differences and tensions can be exhausting. It can also be incredibly challenging for highly sensitive people (HSPs), for whom collaboration, co-regulation, and meaningful connection are deeply wired survival instincts. Konrad Benjamin, who formerly hosted Ideas Digest, knows this tension well. In his podcast, he explored finding common ground amid significant differences. He brings these ideas into Australian political and social discourse with Punters Politics, highlighting corporate and governmental hypocrisy and injustice. We spoke in late 2022, and I was struck by how he doesn’t just challenge what he disagrees with. He embodies a better way of connecting through humility and curiosity despite personal differences. Especially when relationships and meaningful change are on the line. Why Bother Engaging With Disagreement? Truthfully, you don’t have to engage in these tensions if they feel unnecessary or depleting. But avoiding specific conversations doesn’t make the ideas disappear; often, these avoided topics fester, resurfacing with even greater intensity. In The Haven, we explore how highly sensitive people can cultivate serenity. We see serenity as an inside-out state of calm, acknowledging how the way we think, feel, and connect with the world impacts our experience of how things are. In other words, the world reflects what we believe about it, sometimes literally (e.g. self-fulfilling prophecies) and sometimes as a matter of perception (e.g. confirmation bias). Either way, we are active participants in creating the world in which we live. On the one hand, our thoughts dictate our actions, but more profoundly, the noise we give space to influences the concrete beliefs we hold about how things, people, and the future are. Serenity is a sense of flow that welcomes the uncertainty and flexibility of these elements, holding them with good faith and gentle expectancy in the knowledge that things change. So rather than engaging with the world as a competition or fight to be won, serenity accepts what can’t be affected, brings a creative spirit to what can, and lets go of the need to be unyieldingly arrogant about any of it. Real connection is possible when we reframe our approach from “I’m right, and you’re biased” to “We both see different aspects of the same reality.” Moving beyond the need to “win” frees us to understand and expand our perspectives rather than feeling pressured to defend them. We can engage with openness rather than judgment, listening for the needs beneath opposing views and the commonalities that might make authentic dialogue possible. Coping With Conflict as a Highly Sensitive Person Conflict around values and beliefs can be painful for highly sensitive people. Our nervous systems are finely tuned to pick up on subtle emotional shifts, and we can be easily flooded when a conversation escalates. For us, conflict often feels personal—it’s not just about a difference in views but a threat to the safety of our relationships, which are fundamental sources of support and survival. Relationships grounded in empathy and mutual understanding help regulate our nervous systems, reducing stress and fostering a sense of belonging. But modern culture often treats relationships as arenas for proving who’s right, and “winning” the debate is more valued than working toward a shared vision of the future. This doesn’t seem to be productive for any of us. However, for highly sensitive people, this competitive approach can be derailing. We’re wired to seek connection over contention, valuing peace and cooperation. Yet, this doesn’t mean we shy away from conflict altogether. Instead, we can approach it as a chance to understand another person’s humanity, working collaboratively to build bridges rather than deepening divides. How to Approach Personal Differences with Serenity We can start by revisiting and refining our foundational assumptions to engage with differences more peacefully. People are doing the best they can. Rather than seeing disagreement as a sign of malice or ignorance, try to assume others act from their own experiences and context. This can soften our instinct to judge and help us engage with empathy. Minds don’t easily change – Recognising that people rarely change beliefs under pressure frees us from trying to “win” arguments. Instead, it allows us to explore connection and shared humanity, respecting that differing views don’t necessarily require a resolution. It’s not about us. Aiming for understanding rather than “rightness” helps us resist the urge to moral grandstand or entrench ourselves in ideological positions. This approach lowers the stakes, focusing on discovery rather than defensiveness. Developing “Tensile Strength” of Mind As Konrad shows, how we think influences how we hold our beliefs. A rigid mind is fragile, threatened by anything that doesn’t confirm its worldview. This brittleness leads to binary thinking—seeing things and people in black and white, and rejecting conflicting ideas outright. However, we can cultivate tensile strength and mental resilience to hold multiple perspectives without feeling defensive. Developing this flexibility is like exercising a mental muscle that strengthens our ability to listen, reflect, and let go of the urge to be correct. With time, what initially felt threatening can become an invitation to grow and adapt. As Adam Grant notes, “If knowledge is power, knowing what we don’t know is wisdom.” Gentleness is a Firm Back and Soft Front As highly sensitive people, we have a unique opportunity to lead by example, creating spaces where diverse perspectives can coexist. It starts by recognising our emotional responses to differences, practising firm-back, soft-front gentleness, and cultivating curiosity instead of reactivity. We may still feel discomfort in contentious conversations, but we can engage without getting lost in defensiveness with practice. We can listen without taking others’ views as a personal threat, valuing the connection over the need to be understood or agreed with. When we allow this space for nuance, we contribute to a culture of peace and creativity, where ideas can be explored collaboratively rather than wielded as weapons. For highly sensitive people, this mindset shift is a doorway to freedom and autonomy and vital to fostering a world that values harmony, empathy, and the possibility of change. https://youtu.be/dkW4mqzww4I

Serenity is not a destination we are trying to reach. If we can’t find it here, we are unlikely to find it “there”. Are you waiting for the noise to quieten and the disruption to pass? Are you hoping for some time, energy, and permission to finally focus on the stuff that matters to you? Or enough thinking space to eventually FIGURE OUT what that stuff is. In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, we explore our relationship with the concept of serenity. We ask whether it’s a destination to reach or something a little closer to home. And if it isn’t a destination, how can we create and nurture more of it in everyday life, so we engage with the here and now rather than always waiting for the next storm to pass? If we can’t find it now, we won’t find it then. If we can’t find it here, we won’t find it there. The Arrival Fallacy of a Calm and Peaceful Life “Arrival fallacy is this illusion that once we make it, once we attain our goal or reah our destination, we will reach lasting happiness.” Dr Tal Ben-Shahar What Is Serenity? In a Haven Kota gathering, we discussed the idea of serenity not being a destination. We started with what serenity is (and isn’t). Serenity Gives Us Options It was suggested that Coco Chanel wore a hat at home when people visited to pretend she was on her way out, just in case she wanted an excuse to escape. Was this a source of serenity? Or did being poised and ready to run reflect a state of unpeaceful alertness and discontent? Serenity is Safety Serenity grows when we feel safe. But is feeling safe the same as feeling protected? Why does this difference matter? Serenity is Flow It’s the inner flow of creativity, where we are drawn to what interests us, not what we should do to fit in or be accepted. Serenity is Surrender In many ways, serenity is the absence of pursuit. So if we search for it, it disappears. It’s a sense of peace in the present. It’s about HOW we go, do, and be, rather than WHERE we go, WHAT we do, and WHO we are. Serenity is Acceptance Disturbances are inevitable in life. Serenity allows space for an authentic reaction to the noise. While simultaneously holding space to pick from an ever-expanding library of potential responses we have chosen to build. Serenity is an Inner Home Like a home that comes with us wherever we go, it’s something we grow, nurture, and reinforce within ourselves. It’s built from the inside out with acceptance, connection, meaning, creativity (a spirit of expansion and possibility), and playfulness (inviting the time to stop and engage unproductively). Serenity is The Calm After a Storm Serenity is that feeling afterwards when everything is out. The emotions can be named, held, and let go. The clouds can disperse and dissipate. Serenity is not just the calm after the storm; it’s surrender to the storm itself. It knows that to process life, sometimes a storm needs to happen. The Difference Between Serenity and Tranquility Serenity helps peace flow from the inside to the outside. Tranquility aims to invite peace from the outside to the inside. This distinction matters because there is always something we can consider on one side of the equation, even when there’s nothing we can do about it on the other. Serene People are a Source of Confidence Serene people contribute to our tranquility. When we spend time with people with a lot of inside-out serenity, we get infected. It’s attractive and safe for us to develop and nurture our inner serenity. We tend to reflect the energy we encounter in the people we spend time with. We might inadvertently absorb their values, beliefs, and priorities. When you know they are there, you feel confident that you will find a way through even if something unexpected happens. Can you think of someone who adds to the tranquility of your life? Serenity IS Connection At its core, I think serenity is about being connected. It’s a sense of connection with ourselves, others, and meaning. Obstacles to Inner Connection There might be sources of noise from the outside world, but there can also be inner noise. This is the internal feedback loop that we can’t shake off from overthinking, judgements, and second-guessing. Self-empathy allows us to observe within and become aware of our thoughts and feelings so we might recognise what we need. It’s a pause. A break in the flow of life to consider what might be alive in us at any given moment. Do You Get The Feeling You’re Being Watched? Inner noise also comes from seeing ourselves through the eyes of others…or we believe we are being watched. The presence of that other person suddenly influences our actions. Whether we thrive off attention or avoid it at all costs, this noise can stimulate or sabotage our ability to think and perform. Connect With Meaning In his book Finding Meaning, David Kessler builds on the Five Stages of Grief, adding a sixth, Meaning, which draws from Viktor Frankl’s work in Man’s Search for Meaning. Kessler suggests that there is an experience of post-traumatic connection that occurs when we integrate loss into our story of being. We can apply this to anything that doesn’t turn out as we would choose. Things that radically change our reality and events that shift the trajectory of our lives. Eventually, we will connect the dots between what we’ve been through and where we are going next. Man’s Search For Meaning Viktor Frankl was taken by the idea that even in the most unbearable circumstances, people can find a reason to keep going. He noticed that there is something that sustains us. Something that keeps us moving, even under the horrors he endured and observed in Nazi death camps during the Second World War. Our decisions, our will to survive, and our desire to grow, develop, and learn becomes rooted in something meaningful. Even if we can’t consciously describe it. Connection With Other People Serenity is the safe connection with others. Are we unconditionally valued in our important relationships? Are we still accepted, even if we do or say something a bit stupid? True Connection is Not a Transaction A genuine connection is not transactional. It’s not pay off and trade-off, where we say, “do this for me, and I’ll do that for you”. Serenity is surrender, shaped around letting go. It’s about allowing the flow to happen even when we can’t control or predict it. Serenity isn’t certainty. It’s being ok with uncertainty. Serenity isn’t having enough. It’s peace with the fact you will never have enough. Serenity isn’t balancing. It’s allowing life to be lopsided. Practising Serenity We are not looking for a destination. It’s not about perfection. We aren’t seeking guarantees, certainties, and promised results. The practices related to serenity are personal. They are about surrender, observation, awareness, and response-ability. Serenity is about allowing ourselves space and permission to notice what we notice. Practise The Art of Noticing We practise serenity when we pause to notice what’s alive in the world around us. When we look up and allow ourselves to be here now. No judgement, just acceptance and a spirit of play, exploration, and curiosity. It’s about seeing where the mind wanders, what we see there, and what we notice about the metaphorical thorn we’ve caught our sleeve on. Take an Alternative View Play with alternative ways of doing, thinking, and responding. We can gently scrutinise assumptions, actions, and choices. This helps us know whether or not they’re still helpful for us. Serenity is about being at peace with the choices we make. This requires us to live from a place of intention rather than drift. Accept and Invite Play Serenity grows in the space we make for play and spontaneity. Sometimes play might beckon us in. Do we shut the door and walk away? Maybe we dismiss it by saying, “yes, I should do more of that kind of thing…one day”. Or do we surrender to it and say, “OK, it looks like this is happening now; let’s see where this leads”? The screenshot from the spontaneous playtime in The Haven co-work session I mentioned in the episode Share What You Notice Serenity emerges when we have an outlet to share the stuff that makes us weird. We encounter, observe, and hold the world in unique ways. We experience serenity through the safety of sharing what we notice. This often starts within us. It is a muscle we can train. So that even when other people look at us blankly, we can enjoy the weird and wonderful perspective we have on the world. We can learn to stop taking differences as insults and embrace them instead.

A cornerstone is a core around which everything else takes its shape. It’s the primary reference point, which determines the position and character of the structure around it. Anything can become a proverbial cornerstone. It’s a source of meaning and purpose. A simple core to which we choose to commit our time, energy, and attention. We all shape life around cornerstones. But we might not be intentionally aware of what they are. In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, we will use this image and think about ways to apply it to our lives. A Cornerstone For Change A Haven Courtyard workshop I did with Brandon Bennett inspired this episode. Someone Brandon worked with shared the idea of setting a cornerstone for change. He had chosen “cooking” as his theme at the start of the new year. Brandon’s friend committed to cooking meals from scratch once or twice a week, which he hadn’t really done before. Beyond the cooking itself, this commitment became a cornerstone of change across various areas of life. For example, it impacted his relationships, health, creativity, confidence, and business. A Lot Can Change In A Year People overestimate what can be done in one day and underestimate what can be done in a month. By committing to do one small thing regularly, we can change the trajectory of everything over time. Cooking one or two new meals each week adds up. Showing up between fifty and a hundred times over a year, the impact gradually takes root. Skills, experiences, understanding, stories, and opportunities are all contingent aspects of living with a simple cornerstone. So rather than prioritising everything, we can trust that the other important stuff will begin to take shape around the cornerstone. Our Inner Vocabulary Brandon talked about how he became aware that some words were not helpful. For example, rather than thinking about new habits as “challenges”, he approaches change with a spirit of “experimentation” and “play”. This is not about the words themselves. But instead, it’s about how to engage with what the terms represent. In this respect, a cornerstone is a point of freedom and expansion. It’s not a burden, like a proverbial millstone around the neck instead. Experimenting and Play For example, when it comes to identifying a cornerstone, if a particular word feels heavy, pressurised, or like a strain on your nervous system, we can find one that doesn’t. It’s incredible how often we attach weighty words to our desire for positive change in life. The Problem With Chains and Streaks For me, the millstone can appear in the pursuit of chains and streaks. If I see success as doing something every day, the need to keep the streak going can become more important than the underlying change. Balancing and Sequencing Likewise, the word “balance” can feel unduly weighty. It seems like a noble and positive state of being, but it’s an impossible quest. If by balance, we mean we want to hold everything equally and evenly, we are setting ourselves up to fail. Because we can never achieve perfect balance. When we live it, life by nature is unbalancing and destabilising. We might think of life as a sequence of events instead. So we try to figure out the best order to pursue our most important desires. But there is always more to do. Another destination to aim for. And like with our effort to balance all our responsibilities, dreams, and aspirations, it gets overwhelming when we hold them up to the capacity of time, energy, and ability. The Best Time To Plant a Tree You may have heard the Chinese proverb, “the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is today”. It is frustrating to wish we had already begun work on something we want to create or change. It has also been noted that “people overestimate what can be done in one day and underestimate what can be done in a month.” We might lose heart and give up when we don’t see quick results. We put off planting the tree because its growth seems so gradual and far off that it’s impossible to appreciate its value. Many of us might say… “But do you know how old I will be by the time I learn to play the piano/act/paint/write a decent play?” Yes . . . the same age you will be if you don’t.” – Julia Cameron It can be hard to connect with the value of getting started or continuing something that doesn’t give us an instant sense of gratification. But in twenty years, the present will be twenty years ago and imagine what might change between now and then. And that’s the point. The stuff that unfolds along the way. Every tree we plant makes a difference gradually and immediately. It feeds into the soil and alters the landscape around different parts of our lives, blossoming and fruiting in new ways. The tree grows during those years. It creates meaning and a sense of satisfaction as we go. This is what makes for an effective cornerstone. It’s something around which the ecosystem of life takes shape. Life as a Separate Entity There are three parts to any relationship. There is me, there is you, and there is the relationship itself. What IS the relationship? What is its purpose? Do we share expectations? What does it require from each of us? What do we need from IT? It’s the same for families, businesses, communities, bands, and just about anything you can imagine where people need to rub along together. It can help to view life itself as the thing we are shaping and creating rather than the thing we are. It’s something we contribute to, build, and invest in. When it doesn’t go to plan, it’s not because we are a failure. It’s just that something didn’t work in the way we hoped. If our life feels like a mess, we can step back and figure out how to clean it up. We can find a cornerstone to shape our lives by nurturing a sense of depersonalised distance. Life As Serenity Island This is part of what drove me as I built The Return to Serenity Island course. By imagining our life as an island, we can see it as separate from us in this sense. It’s somewhere we get to hang out, nurture, grow, plant trees, and dig for treasure. This helps us see the part we play in life. We can know that we are not in complete control of everything, but we can impact many aspects of it. By viewing the different areas of life as parts of this island, we can imagine how they affect one another. We get to play on the landscape of our life. To experiment, to explore, to dream. But It’s Deeper and Stronger Having an intentional cornerstone is like a root. Its growth can be challenging to see because a lot of it happens underground. It’s not flashy or grand. But it enables everything else to grow out of and around it. Focusing on fewer things makes deeper, broader, and more meaningful progress over time. But this doesn’t come easily. There is always a temptation to get bogged down in details and busy work. And this can have a halting influence in the long run as we spread ourselves thinly. Maintaining momentum is impossible when you try to move in multiple directions at once. A Cornerstone of Cascading Change The cornerstone is a site of normality that gives rise to a gradual and gentle cascading flow. When something has been around for a while (e.g. a family, business, social circle, sports arena, theatre etc.), it collects stories of memorable moments—some of these become legends that stand the test of time. But these tales are not the result of force. They are the product of spontaneous happenings. A magical evening, a funny series of events, or an experience that came out of nowhere. Something that just happened one day. These stories might make us believe that these venues are where the magic always occurs. But they are told precisely because they are NOT typical. They are outliers—exceptional situations. The legends are a result of normality being stretched from time to time. The cornerstone (the place, practice, or event) is ordinary. Still, because of rhythm, focus, repetition etc., we find the conditions for all possibilities to occur from time to time. How To Identify Your Cornerstone Every passing moment is an opportunity to pause, breathe, and recommit to our role in creating life. In the episode, I briefly explore Brandon’s prompts. The practical part of the workshop was divided into four parts that helped us look back at the past year and think forwards to the coming one. Part One – What are your creations for the past 12 months? This is an interestingly worded question. I found it more helpful than accomplishments or achievements. But I’d encourage you to think about it in your own words once you get to what it’s asking. Part Two – What are you letting go of this year? What HAVE you let go of? What are you looking to let go of? How has letting go been part of those creations for the past 12 months? Maybe there are things you’ve done or been part of that show you’ve let go of something – a mindset, attitude, or fear. You might not have thought about it like that until now. Maybe it’s an idea, a person, a hope, a struggle, a belief, an expectation, an old pattern of behaviour etc. Part Three – What would you like to continue? It’s tempting to view the things we want to stop and the things we want to start. But there are tracks already in place that are good. What are they? Particular commitments, relationships, habits, practices, approaches, processes, routines or aspects of routines, and so on. Part Four – What would you like to start? It’s important to do this without judgement or editing. Just allow anything that bubbles up to flow onto the paper. What would you like to start doing next? Making Sense Of Our Cornerstone If these questions are useful to you, I’d love to encourage you to use these prompts to consider your own cornerstone for change over the coming months. If you find it hard to do this alone, I invite you to talk to Brandon or me if you wish for a more focused conversation. Find Brandon through his website here

“Nobody really owns anything. We give back our bodies at the end of our lives. We own our thoughts, but everything else is just borrowed.” – Deborah Ellis (From No Ordinary Day) In one of our Haven Kota gatherings, we discussed self-belonging through the lens of ownership and possession. Where do control and entitlement fit with belonging? What does it mean for things to belong to us? How does it feel to belong to something or someone else? Why are some belongings more cherished and valuable than others? How do we hold ourselves, others, the world, our lives, goals, and relationships? Do we own them? What would it mean to give life back at the end? How much do our desires, emotions, and passions own us? What does it mean to be pre-possessed or owned by something? In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, we explore what it means to see ourselves, our lives, and the world in the light of these questions. What if they are all borrowed? You Can’t Take it With You I regularly heard the phrase, “you can’t take it with you”, during my years as an undertaker. It is often expressed about the accumulation of material possessions and wealth. For some, it was a reason to spend without regret. For others, it was a reason to give without fear. But whatever the ramifications, its underlying premise is universal…whatever we collect, gather, and possess in life doesn’t come with us when we’re done with it. Everything is borrowed. Earning The Respect to Borrow How do you feel about lending things to other people? Would you happily give your stuff to anyone, or does trust need to be built first? How do you feel about things you borrow? Do you treat them with more or less respect than things you own? It might depend. Living On Borrowed Time We talk about “living on borrowed time” after a severe diagnosis or near-death experience. It’s what we might say when confronted with our mortality. But is this time any different from our experience of time…all the time? In the episode, I share a story from childhood, when we were lent a games console by our hairdresser. I still have no idea why (I developed a solid theory while recording). But I remember the feeling when we were told we only had a few days before we needed to return it. I became focused and clear on the only thing that mattered: completing Sonic The Hedgehog. How is our mindset and approach to life affected by the reminder that everything is borrowed? Steal Like an Artist In his book, Steal Like an Artist, Austin Kleon suggests that there is no such thing as a truly unique or original idea when it comes to creativity and art. I agree wholeheartedly, though I might not describe the process as “stealing”. Kleon writes, “how does an artist look at the world? First, you figure out what’s worth stealing; then you move on to the next thing. That’s about all there is to it.” The Difference Between Borrowing and Theft There seems to be a difference between stealing, borrowing, owning, holding, using, collaborating, sharing, contributing, remixing, and plagiarising. We might describe stealing as deliberately depriving the rightful owner of their property. What Kleon describes is more like “honouring, studying, finding inspiration in, crediting, transforming, remixing, building on, and collaborating with”. He helpfully suggests that “bad theft”, or what we might simply describe as “theft”, is “degrading, skimming, plagiarising, ripping off”. We could add exploiting, taking credit for, and passing off as one’s own. They might all mean the same thing, but you get the point! The Burden of Originality “If we’re free from the burden of trying to be completely original, we can stop trying to make something out of nothing, and we can embrace influence instead of running away from it.” Austin Kleon On the one hand, we might feel like we need to be completely original. Whereas on the flip side, we might think we must fit in to be accepted. But if we’re free from the burden of trying to belong, we can stop trying to diminish ourselves on the altar of fashion and embrace who we are instead of running away from it. It’s about locating a more authentic expression of OURSELVES. We belong somewhere in the middle. In the messy nuance and grey ambiguity. We are this and that, we are borrowing and we are borrowed. We can’t take it with us, but we can carry it further along the road. It reminds me of that old Greek Proverb: “A society grows great when old men plant trees in whose shade they know they shall never sit.” Not only do we give life back, but we pass it on. Someone else is coming to stay in the holiday home after our vacation ends. Do we act with bitterness and resentment in the face of that inevitable change? Or do we have the grace to operate from a heart of kindness, gentleness, and compassion towards those we will never meet? We Belong To Something Bigger “When we identify with something larger than ourselves, whether our family, a circle of friends, a team or a community, that becomes part of who we are. There is so much more to us than just a separate self; our connected self is based on recognizing that we are part of many larger circles…It is from our connected selves that much of what people most value in life emerges, including love, friendship, loyalty, trust, relationship, belonging, purpose, gratitude, spirituality, mutual aid, and meaning.” Macy and Johnstone (Active Hope) Our connected self isn’t just individual selves coming together as a sum of parts. It’s who we all become as a whole. It’s how the collective shapes us and how we shape the collective. The whole is different from the sum of its parts. Remove the elements, and the Collective and each separate piece become fundamentally different. We Are Borrowing a Greater Story Than a Hero’s Journey Our story is not a hero’s journey. It’s a collective flow of becoming. We belong to it, and it belongs to us. It flows into, through, and beyond each individual. It’s universal and particular. But it is about more than any single person. The story didn’t start with us; it didn’t stop with us. We are simply borrowing the pen and writing what we can before passing the page onto the next person. The World Likes Possession “Rather than viewing ourselves as a fixed thing with characteristics that can’t be changed, we can think of ourselves as a flow of becoming. The static view of self is similar to a picture hanging on a wall, something that is set in a particular way and that resists transformation. Whenever we have thoughts like “I’m not the sort of person who …,” we’re painting a similarly static picture of ourselves. An alternative view is to think of each moment as similar to a frame in a movie. If something isn’t in the frame right now, that doesn’t mean it won’t be later. This perspective invites a greater sense of possibility.” Macy and Johnstone (Active Hope) Do you make decisions based on a static or dynamic view of your self? This flow of becoming is beautiful to invite into our understanding of who we are. To change “I’m not the sort of person who does that” to “I could be someone who tries that”. When we tether our identity this way, we restrict and limit ourselves and one another. People Like Us vs People Like Them We often hold other people to our expectations of “people like that”. Maybe we are controlled by the labels and identities ascribed to us by society. These ideas can own and possess us, defining how we think, feel, and act. Rather than helping us better understand ourselves, they can alienate us from our deeper feelings, needs, and desires. This is fundamentally about how we are (and feel) held. How do other people hold us? Including the idea of what it might mean to be us. What expectations do they have of us? How do those expectations influence what we do? And do we conform to the role of a character in a story that we don’t belong to and doesn’t belong to us? Don’t Leave Your Longings Unattended “Don’t worry about unity from piece to piece – what unifies all of your work is the fact that you made it” Austin Kleon I often talk about the non-linearity of growth and time and how change occurs in spirals, cycles, and seasons rather than on a continuum. That’s what I like about this quote. We are taught to look at the present moment and decide whether things fit together. This is the worst possible position to view that stuff from. Steve Jobs famously said, “You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards.” You Can’t Connect Dots Forwards We let go of important things because they “don’t fit” with what we think life is supposed to be. We lose essential parts of ourselves. They are left to grow weeds, get rotten like old wet wood, and become almost impossible to access. But these longings are always calling faintly within. And it’s never too late to return to them in some way. Kleon says, “You can cut off a couple of passions and only focus on one, but after a while, you’ll start to feel phantom limb pain.” If life is borrowed and we can’t take it with us, what do we want to do before giving it back? Which joys, passions, hobbies, relationships, and itches do we want to explore before the big librarian in the sky asks for them back? Collective Consciousness and A Borrowed Moment “Something very interesting occurs when a group of jazz musicians improvise together. A number of separate individuals, all making their own decisions, act together as a whole. As the music flows, any of the musicians can take the solo spot, that leading role gliding seamlessly between the players. Who decides when the piano or trumpet player should come forward? It isn’t just the person playing that instrument, for the others have already stepped back just a little to create an opening. Two levels of thinking are happening at the same time here: choices are made from moment to moment both by the group as a whole and by the individuals within it.” Macy and Johnstone (Active Hope) Connected consciousness is a unique type of consciousness. We are more than the sum of our parts. I’ve played music in that kind of ensemble where there are no words and no active communication, but it happens. It ebbs, flows, and goes where it needs to go through the openings made by accident, by collective agreement in conjunction with the feel and the sound. Everything is Borrowed (Us Included) “You are, in fact, a mashup of what you choose to let into your life. You are the sum of your influences. The German writer Goethe said, “We are shaped and fashioned by what we love.” Austin Kleon Giving Thanks For What We’ve Borrowed At the beginning of Meditations, Marcus Aurelius spends time thanking people who have formed his character. He gives gratitude to the sources of his virtues. He presents a mix of genetic characteristics, socialised attributes, and role models he actively chose. This is something we can all do. Recognise our strengths, not as our own, but as borrowed from others. Who did we learn this from? What gave us this capacity? How did we end up with it? New Does Not Mean Better “My interest in making music has been to create something that does not exist that I would like to listen to. I wanted to hear music that had not yet happened, by putting together things that suggested a new thing which did not yet exist.” Brian Eno How does this extend to the rest of our lives? To create an experience, a relationship, a home, a family, a business, a hobby, a routine, a neighbourhood etc. We put together things that are there but which, combined together, do not yet exist. How do we want our life to look when we give it back?

“Blessed are the weird people: poets, misfits, writers, mystics, painters, and troubadours, for they teach us to see the world through different eyes.” – Jacob Nordby In my six years as an undertaker, I was always struck by the ordinary weirdness of human beings. Eulogies are filled with memories of mundane idiosyncrasies, quirks, and funny habits. These are things we treasure and miss about people. Weirdness is par for the course of humanity. We are all weird in our own way. And yet we learn to fight those parts of ourselves that don’t fit the mould. We hide them, judge them, and crush them. In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown defines belonging as “the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us”. She says, “because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging but often barriers to it.” And then later, in Braving The Wilderness, she described “the quest for true belonging” as underpinned by our “courage to stand alone”. In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, we ask how we might nurture the courage to embrace and express our normally weird selves in life. What Makes Us Ordinary is What Also Makes Us Weird Ordinary weirdness is not something that can be forced. It’s how we express our experience of life as the proverbial elephant. The Parable of The Blind Men and The Elephant You may know the story of the six blind men who wanted to figure out the form of an elephant. One man felt its trunk and believed the elephant was a thick snake. Another found the ear and compared it to a fan. The third felt the elephant’s leg and imagined it like a tree trunk. The fourth man felt the creature’s side and likened it to a wall. Another man felt its tail, believing it to be like a rope. And the last could touch the elephant’s tusk, declaring it to be a spear. “We get stuck in the metaphor of language. But it’s really the abstract sensation that connects everything. Art that is sensual goes straight to the ball of sensation that is in the centre of us. It bypasses words. This is what is Real.” – Alex Paxton My friend Alex talked about his relationship with art and its role in his understanding of life. Language is the imperfect tool we use to try to make abstract things concrete. But life is a lot like the elephant. We can feel and describe different parts of it. But none of us can ever capture the entire thing. And even as we define it, we do so with comparisons to other things. So art (and a life of ordinary creative exploration) keeps us moving around the elephant, finding new ways to feel, imagine, and describe it. But we never fully grasp it. Our experience and understanding of reality sits at the heart of our unique and weird ways of seeing the world. This is why there is always another piece to paint, song to sing, book to write, and truth to speak. Ordinary Weirdness in Everyday Life We discussed this in a Haven Kota session and recognised that “weird” is not an easy word for everyone to hold. It can carry baggage if used as an insult or criticism. There isn’t a perfect word to describe this ordinary everyday weirdness. We thought about “authentic”, but that carries a sense of essentialism, which I don’t think we’re talking about. It’s the freedom to engage with the present moment from the safe uncertainty of our ball of sensation. Belonging in The Wilderness Brené Brown says that True Belonging is the antidote to a crisis of disconnection. Braving the wilderness requires us to feel alone in the face of “uncertainty, vulnerability and criticism.” This is the definition of wilderness when the world feels hostile and “like a political and ideological combat zone”. But this is important because we become tied to a desire to fit in, gain approval, and do what the group needs of us. Which ignores this more resounding call for belonging that we all have. That “we’re connected by love and the human spirit. No matter how separated we are by what we think and believe, we are part of the same spiritual story.” If we allow them to live, our weird bits connect us as we navigate the absurdity of life together. Joseph Campbell said, “If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it’s not your path. Your path you make with every step you take. That’s why it’s your path.” This is a reminder that “true belonging is not something you negotiate externally; it’s what you carry in your heart. It’s finding the sacredness in being a part of something. When we reach this place, even momentarily, we belong everywhere and nowhere. That seems absurd, but it’s true.” Self-Belief, Impostor Syndrome, and True Belonging Impostor syndrome is the feeling that arises from the belief that we are not as competent as other people. Or we are not as capable as other people think we are. In other words, it’s the feeling that we don’t quite fit. The true impostor wants everyone to think they fit so that they can take something. Explorers, journeyers, dancers might be outsiders but they are not impostors. We are the poets, misfits, writers, mystics, painters, and troubadours. We belong to the outside, not with a desire to get in, but an openness to give, contribute, and feel this thing called life from another angle and through another lens. In this way, fitting in is different from belonging. Entitlement vs Belonging (True Safety) A desire for entitlement accompanies the drive to fit in. In contrast, the feeling of belonging is a place of universal acceptance (of ordinary weirdness). There are two types of safety that we find here. Entitlement is safety as protection from the outside, based on the special treatment you get on the inside. This kind of safety depends on you conforming to the requirements and conditions of the group. True belonging, however, is a sense of safety as permission to be you. Safety to be vulnerable rather than safety from vulnerability. You belong because you’re here. You don’t have to do anything, be anyone, or change yourself to be accepted. Perfectionism and Conditional Belonging One potential offshoot of conditional belonging is fear of failing and perfectionism. Where we become influenced by the consequences of messing up. Perfection is described as “the action or process of improving something until it is faultless”. How could we possibly reach such a place? ‘Perfectionism’ is not about achieving a tangible outcome. It’s an attachment to dissatisfaction in the face of everything. Perfectionism is not simply a desire for high standards and top-quality results. It is always in pursuit of satisfaction but can never be satisfied. No matter how good it gets, it will never do quite enough. Despite appearances, perfectionism is not about producing quality. It’s about our relationship with our belief in the idea of ‘faultless’. Perfection is like a black hole. It’s a void, made conspicuous by its lack of definition. And there’s no space for ordinary weirdness in there. An Ode to Imperfection and Ordinary Weirdness I wrote this ode to imperfection. https://youtu.be/-9cjSnV4wCk Stop Caring THAT People Think We might defensively say, “I don’t care what people think of me“. But of course we care what people think. We are social animals with a basic need for safety and belonging. But when we allow ourselves to care about other things MORE, we can unshackle from the fear and shame-based responses to other people’s judgements and criticism. Self-consciousness is a disconnection from our self. Seeing ourselves through the projected critical or ridiculing eyes of the world around us comes in different shapes and forms. We can’t control WHAT people think, but we can make peace with the fact THAT people WILL think of us sometimes. By accepting that people will judge us and view us with criticism, envy, disdain and so on, we begin to change our relationship and stop caring THAT people think of us. Otherwise, we might stop doing what we love doing. We might not start doing what we’d love to do. And we might shrink ourselves and not contribute to our lives, our relationships, and the world at large in ways we feel calling from the ball of sensation inside us. Ordinary Weirdness and The Courage to Be Disliked In The Courage to Be Disliked, Kishimi and Koga introduce Alfred Adler’s school of Individual Psychology. They speak to the ordinary weirdness of everyday life and how we will be disliked no matter what we do. In other words, they suggest, we might as well be ourselves and contribute to creating a world we actually believe in as we go. This is not a case of acting IN ORDER to be disliked. It’s acting DESPITE the inevitability of being disliked. Being liked or disliked isn’t the driving force…our deeper values and principles are. Identifying Our Path – Confidence in How We Go Self-belonging gives us confidence in HOW we choose to be, not in WHAT we are allowed (or not) to be. Likewise, there’s something beautiful about getting to know someone over time and seeing glimpses of their weird normality. No one is entitled to those parts of us. Letting our weird out is a choice. In safe environments and when we experience the safety of other people, our weirdness will probably slip out. We need these environments, these people, and these places, because our everyday weirdness can get locked away, stuck behind glass. Of course, Introverts and Highly Sensitive People get told to come out of their shells or speak up. But no one is entitled to an open you. It might be that right now, you let your inner weird breathe when you’re alone. In your studio, bedroom, kitchen, garden, etc. as long as you have somewhere to keep in touch with it. I would hate for it to stay behind glass! The Temple of Dreams In Blessed Are The Weird, Jacob Nordby shares a story called, The Temple Of Dreams. In the story, the wise woman asks the man what he wants. He can’t answer. He says he doesn’t know. But then comes the realisation, “I do want something, or I wouldn’t be here. It’s just that I have become content with my things.” “I want everything exactly as it is,” he said. “I know that life unfolds to give me what is best.” “Well, I have a house and comfortable things. I enjoy my work and appreciate my friends. I have everything a man should want except….” “Except,” she said. “Tell me the except. ‘Except’ is everything you have never dared to ask.” In our Haven Kota conversation, we explored different ways of relating to the “except”. Maybe we know what our “except” is, but something stops us from following it. Or perhaps we understand we want something, but we can’t figure out what. There is ALWAYS an “except” at some level. Something is always alive in us. And I finish the episode with a reflective question that can help us identify our feelings and needs at any given moment. What is Alive in You Right Now? https://youtu.be/eSCCxOWRyrg

Deep processing is a core aspect of high sensitivity. But processing is an important thing for all of us to do. And it’s not easy to find the time and space for it in a fast-changing world that never takes a breath. This is what we’re exploring in this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast. How can we create better conditions for deep processing in everyday life? Responding to a Fast-Changing World Everything moves so rapidly in our modern world. There is pressure to process and adapt to changes much faster than we have had to in the past. We are exposed to huge amounts of information and expected to somehow make sense of it and apply it to our own lives. So how do we process and respond to such a fast-paced world? Shallow Rivers and Deep Lakes There is an old proverb that says “shallow rivers are noisy. Deep lakes are silent.” What does this mean for our sense of self-belonging and our ability to absorb change? When things are thrown into our life from outside, like a big rock, a great splash and disturbance occur as it comes flying through the surface. But after a while, the rock is absorbed into the landscape in the depths of this body of water. There is an unshakeable power to the deep lake. That can be both safe and terrifying. In the story of the Steadfast Tin Soldier, we meet a character who appears to be a deep lake. But his silence, stillness, and stoicism speaks of unbelonging. He seems unable to express his true needs and feelings; hamstrung by the story he’s been taught to believe about himself. Absorbing the blow is one part. But for true integration to happen we must also respond to it in some way. The change that happens around us fundamentally changes something in us too. Whereas the Tin Soldier appears unmoved and unchanged because he can’t allow himself to feel his needs or need his feelings. Gentleness gives us the firm back and soft front to be flexible and adapt to the situation at hand. It is the openness, awareness, and intuition to choose based on what we see in front of us rather than what we think we ought to do. When we allow space for deep processing we nurture a deeper pool of options to draw from in different situations. Cold Bucket Experiences In her book, You Don’t Owe Anyone, Caroline Garnet McGraw tells the story of what she describes as a “cold bucket experience”. I share the story in the episode. You can also hear Caroline talk about it when we spoke. In childhood we might hear messages like: “Why are you doing it like that? That’s stupid!” Or “that’s just your imagination – grow up!” And “only an idiot would enjoy that kind of thing”. Or “why are you crying? You need thicker skin if you’re going to survive the real world”. These messages prompt us to filter ourselves as we make sense of what we need to do to avoid rejection. So we might recoil, hide, and replace those parts of ourselves that we feel ashamed of. And amplify behaviours that we believe will help us gain approval and acceptance, safety and belonging. Cold Bucket Experiences are similar to what might be described as “small-t” or “paper-cut” traumas. They feed the script that we write for our route into belonging and safety from a very young age. And without a bit of examination and space for processing, they become well-worn paths that we walk throughout our lives. When You Feel Unseen and Unknown In his book, The Myth of Normal, Gabor Maté describes trauma, not as something that happens TO you but as what happens INSIDE you. It’s a psychic injury, lodged in our nervous system, mind, and body. I was reminded of Caroline’s story when reading Maté’s book because she describes the deep impact of something that seems so ordinary on the surface. Maté says this kind of small-t everyday trauma is almost universal. We all carry them, often from seemingly ordinary events. Cold bucket experiences might also come from what Winnicott referred to as “nothing happening when something might have profitably happened”. So moments when we needed reassurance, acceptance, or acknowledgement. Maybe we were ignored or forgotten about at a moment we needed to be recognised in some way. Bessel van der Kolk, says this kind of trauma is “when we are not seen and known”. Over-Empathy and Deep Patterns In a Courtyard workshop, Marika Vepsäläinen explained how over-empathy has become a survival strategy for many sensitive people. Where they learn to soothe, solve, regulate, and balance the emotional energy in social environments and relationships. Early in life we all pick up more and less acceptable emotions to show to the world around us. Especially in those nurturing formative environments. We learn what is required in order to feel a sense of belonging, safety, and acceptance. And we quickly figure out what we shouldn’t do, say, believe, think, and feel, if we want to fit in. Deep Processing and Loss When it comes to absorbing change, deep processing requires patience. David Kessler, the co-author of “On Grief and Grieving“, writes that “meaning” is the 6th stage of grief. This kind of integration of loss into our state of being can’t be rushed or forced. The word healing means to restore to wholeness. And while the word “restore” implies a sense of return or going back, healing is more than that. Because healing never goes back to the same state as before. There is always something changed – something added, something let go, something different. The wholeness of healing is an integration of the experience. Where we absorb the site of the pain, loss, and rupture. The hole isn’t filled. It’s accepted. Healing after grief is about allowing what is not there to be not there. And for that to be part of the landscape going forward. Healing is about accepting the hole within the whole and allowing that to be part of who we are. Levels of Processing In my conversation with Bill Allen, author of Confessions of a Highly Sensitive Man, he talked about highly sensitive people having a wider aperture for sensory input. And like on a camera, more information flows through the lens. If we don’t make space and time to process the information it just stacks up as noise. This is why highly sensitive people get overstimulated more quickly. At its most effective, deep processing happens at different levels. Deep Overground Processing and Response Flexibility “Thoughts disentangle themselves when they pass through the lips and fingertips.” – Dawson Trotman We can write or speak with people (or ourselves) as a way to process things deeply. This is a conscious approach to processing, giving us chance to converse with and become aware of our thoughts and feelings. Overground processing helps us identify clear options to choose between. It’s a way to increase Response Flexibility, which is what Rollo May defined when said: “Human freedom involves our capacity to pause between the stimulus and response and, in that pause, to choose the one response toward which we wish to throw our weight. The capacity to create ourselves, based upon this freedom, is inseparable from consciousness or self-awareness” Overground processing helps us know where we want to throw our weight. And this helps us more quickly filter options and make choices that fit our deeper visions and values. Without deep processing, we are at the whims of our survival strategies and the reactions we create as a way to keep life safe rather than meaningful. Deep Underground Processing Many of us have experienced an “aha!” moment in the shower or while we’re walking. When our mind is wandering and suddenly we know what we need to do with a particular situation, problem, or creative challenge. Deep underground processing helps create the conditions for these moments. It happens without conscious thought. Like the beating of our hearts and the rhythm of our breath. Depth of Processing and Downtime Studies show that people with sensory processing sensitivity use more of those parts of the brain associated with the “deeper” processing of information, especially on tasks that involve noticing subtleties. Highly sensitive people might take longer when making decisions and taking action. Especially when processing a lot of new information. But deep processing doesn’t automatically mean slow processing. When we have good processing rhythms in place, highly sensitive people can actually process and respond to things with quick wit, intuitive awareness, and fast reflexes. Elaine Aron says highly sensitive people need downtime with as little sensory input from the outside world as possible. But we probably don’t need as much as we might think. We just need to make it effective. Which can be a challenge when there is so much pressure to be busy, productive, and useful all the time. What Happens Without Deep Processing? We don’t process anything deeply at a societal level. We can see the impact of this with the increase in urgency, dread stacking, catastrophising, feelings of anxiety, hopelessness and resentment. As well as increasing disconnection, fragmentation, and disintegration. Processing is the pathway to healing. It needs to be a priority for us as individuals AND as a world. Otherwise we will keep on being defined by the symptoms of our wounds. Slow Coaching and The Deep Processing Approach Deep processing has become a central aspect of my coaching approach. We follow a cycle of deep processing in The Haven, through our nine core themes. Rather than trying to understand everything we can about a theme all in one go, we open space for conversation (with ourselves and one another). It’s a beautiful way to invite deep and meaningful growth as we uncover new desires, discover new ways of approaching old things, and build friendships along the way. Deep processing can’t be rushed or forced. It can only be allowed. Released. Given permission. Conclusion – Prepare to Be Unprepared When we process, absorb, and integrate unexpected change into our lives, we become prepared to be unprepared for what we can’t see coming. This happens through: Patience – processing can take time and isn’t always obvious Surrender – processing can’t be forced or controlled Gentleness – processing requires flexibility and openness to new ways of doing things

Sometimes drift comes through the endless pursuit of goals we hope will make us happy. Or it might come as we passively float along the path of least resistance, hoping something motivates us to take action. There are many different ways we can find ourselves drifting through life. We never drift to a destination we have consciously chosen. It’s through deliberate movement in the right direction that we get to where we want to go. Sometimes we need to pick up the oars and start gently rowing in a new direction. In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, we explore ways we might find ourselves drifting in life. We will think about where we might be drifting right now and how to turn our drifting into repeat blooming. Late Blooming Do you feel like a late bloomer? “The more I learn about late blooming, the more I think we’re all late bloomers. Our society pushes us to achieve early, to all of our detriments. I can remember feeling like a late bloomer in my 20s, and I certainly feel like one now, in the midst of a career change in midlife! Really we should be embracing late blooming, or as I like to call it, repeat blooming. Life just feels so much better when you believe that it has more than one act.” Kendra Patterson Late Bloomers don’t just approach life at a slower speed. Their orientation to the world is different from what we might consider normal modes of operation. Kendra encourages us to find reassurance in the differences between conceptual and experimental types of people. Conceptual Types Conceptual Types have a clear picture of how they want things to look. They work deductively. In other words, they know where they want to go and create a clear plan to get there. Weinberg and Galenson (2019) looked at the lives of Nobel Laureates in Economics. They found that Conceptual innovators made their most significant contributions to the field in their mid-20s. Experimental Types (The Late Bloomers) Experimental Types start with a step and build incrementally. Often without a clear picture of where each step will lead them. They connect dots as they go. Discovery underpins their creativity. They work inductively (accumulating knowledge from experience). In the research, Weinberg and Galenson found that Experimental types made their most significant impact during their fifties. That’s thirty years later than their conceptual peers. The future emerges from a pathway of incremental curious exploration for experimental types. We connect dots and build from one experience to the next. As such, life is naturally slower to unfold and evolve. This is why experimental people are often “late” or “repeat” bloomers. It also explains why experimental types might sometimes feel like we are drifting through life. Society’s Preference Society doesn’t openly encourage an experimental approach. The effectiveness and efficiency of conceptual thinking are far easier to measure. You either succeed or fail with the goal you have set yourself. Society also celebrates and glorifies stories of youth and early bloomer success. This puts a countdown timer on a person’s sense of self-worth. And if we miss the imaginary boat, we might resign ourselves to the belief that our fate is to drift through life instead. Lots of us struggle with the linear nature of the conceptual approach. Maybe you do too? The Impossible Question Where do you see yourself in five years? How do you respond to that question? You might find it hard to answer if you’re an experimental thinker because it’s almost impossible to know. A common assertion in personal development is that you should “begin with the end in mind”. But what if the end is not that simple? Or at the very least, we need to approach it in more creative ways. For many of us, our deepest desires are not endpoints. Instead, they are inexplicable moments and feelings brought about by an openness to a life of slow meandering and repeat blooming. Along an evolving and experimental pathway of incremental steps? It doesn’t mean we drift through life, but rather that we have a different approach. The Stories We Tell Ourselves About Life’s Drift Society celebrates people who followed a conviction about what they wanted to do with their life from an early age—those who “pursued their passion” with relentless drive and determination. We say “follow your dream” with the unspoken assertion that everyone has one. We were born to do a tangible, concrete thing with our life. And some people find this idea of “finding their purpose” exciting and enjoyable. But for others, it can be a significant source of underlying anxiety. It can feel like we’re doing it wrong. Like we’re drifting through life as perennial underachievers. But what if we made room for all of these orientations to progress? Realising that for many people, success is not the destination; it’s the joy of discovery, exploration, and experimentation along the way. A Different Way of Being Before we restrict the idea of drifting to experimental types, it’s important to point out that conceptual goal-driven people fall into drift patterns just as quickly. For the conceptual types, they might drift away from themselves through an unhealthy attachment to up and to the right. They tether to goals as the source of their identity. It can look like growth, but it might take them off track in a very linear way—the pursuit of MORE, BETTER, FASTER etc. When the more, better, faster becomes the aim, they lose sight of what matters deeper down. Whatever its source, the first part of responding to the drift is awareness. To recognise how it feels and what it’s telling you. And to ask yourself, what do I want instead? And to come home to the stuff that truly matters for us as individuals. Away from the stories we tell ourselves about what we should do and who we should be if we want to fit in. The Treadmill of Pursuit Humans are excellent at adapting to new realities. It’s an ability that has been key to our survival as a species. But this can also lead to a life of drift as an endless quest for elusive happiness. “The hedonic treadmill, also known as hedonic adaptation, is the observed tendency of humans to quickly return to a relatively stable level of happiness despite major positive or negative events or life changes.” Wikipedia Hedonic Adaptation can leave us drifting through life without realising it. We adapt to each accomplishment, pleasure, or success and seek the next. We are pulled along by the feeling rather than any more profound sense of meaning or connection to core values. Slower Souls and Experimental Trailblazers An “up and to the right” society might view” inside-out becoming” as drifting, procrastination, and wasting time. Unfortunately, this message can seep into the story experimental types tell themselves about themselves. A life of drift becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy because it’s impossible to bend ourselves out of shape when it comes to these natural preferences. For example, you won’t reach your potential if you’re rushed into completing things before you’ve had the time and space you need to explore at your own pace. And you won’t hit the standards you want. Such pressure prevents you from bringing the best of yourself to the world. And it buries the truth of who you are and limits your abilities. Contributing Factors To A Life of Drift Drift is an unsettling and anxious driving force. It leads us away from ourselves. Either as an inability to take the next step (analysis paralysis and fear of doing the wrong thing). Or frenetic action (mindless movement in any direction – it doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you don’t stop). When we drift, we lose control of our direction. We have no agency over the route we take. Things happen to us and around us. And finding a way back to ourselves can be difficult when the drift takes hold. Everything Is Breath Clocks, seasons, and years represent time. These are repeating cycles with rhythmic patterns, expansions, and contractions. And yet we often conceptualise time as linear. A path we are on from birth to death. Everything is breath. An inhale, and an exhale. The myth keeps going. We hit certain milestones, encouraged and judged by passing time. We even use age as a symbolic representation of who we are. And yet it says nothing intrinsically meaningful about a person. We know that it means nothing. Just think of your response to the question, “how does it feel to be ten?” or “how does it feel to be fifty?” It feels no different at all. Why? Because we don’t find deep joy in the linear experience. Happiness, flow, and creativity transcend the boxes, labels, and identities into which we try to squeeze life. The Top Five Regrets of The Dying Palliative care nurse Bronnie Ware recorded patients’ thoughts in the final twelve weeks of their lives. “When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently,” she says, “common themes surfaced again and again.” “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.” “I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.” “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.” “I wish that I had let myself be happier.” I would suggest that drift infuses all five of these biggest regrets. Strip Away The Complexity “Many people think they lack motivation when they really lack clarity.” – James Clear Drift in life often occurs when we over-complicate simple things. Make The Right Thing The Easy Thing To Do It’s easy to overcomplicate our goals. We often overthink plans, get derailed by perfectionism, and become bogged down in minor details. Unfortunately, this leads us to sabotage our efforts by clouding the view of the road ahead. This might be the point at which we decide we’re not quite ready. We need more motivation before we can take the next step. But at times like this, we don’t need more motivation. Or inspiration. Or willpower. It would help if we had clarity: simple plans and a clear next step in the right direction. Small steps, when strung together, result in big shifts. The End Goal is The Starting Point Walking in circles sometimes has negative connotations. It conjures an image of confusion, chaos, and an inability to commit to the right path forwards. But what happens when the path IS circular? I think this is a constructive way to think about personal growth. It doesn’t happen in straight lines. It always happens in roundabouts, seasons, and loops. When you embark on a circular walk, your ultimate goal is to get back to where you started. But we all know that is not the purpose of such an activity. We find a sense of meaning en route. The circular hike is a helpful image to remember when focussing on “getting to the end”. It reminds us that the waypoints are the whole point. The Waypoints Are the Whole Point If we want a purposeful journey that we can relax into and enjoy, we need an idea of how to get to where we’re going. In the case of a circular walk, it is back to where we already are. A circular hike requires a plan. First, we need to know where we will travel to find our way back to the start. Waypoints anchor us along the path we have chosen to take. We know we’re on the right road because of signs we recognise as part of the route. I love this metaphor for life’s projects, hopes, and dreams. Progress emerges through expanding spirals, returning seasons, and repeting cycles. There’s Always a Way Back But if we set off without a plan, we constantly wonder if we’re going the right way. In such a case, the risk of drifting somewhere we don’t want to be and getting lost becomes very real. We might keep going a bit further, hoping it will work itself out once we get over the next hill or round the next corner. Sometimes life is a bit like this. We are so fixed on the idea of a destination (the end of the rainbow) that we can lose sight of the present. And we fail to identify the simple steps we can take past meaningful waypoints on our way back home. We think that if we keep going, we will eventually land where we want to be. Yet chances of that happening are incredibly slim. At times like this, anxiety and panic eventually set in. “What am I doing? Where am I? All of this feels unfamiliar, and I don’t know which way to go.” But this is not the end of the matter. If we stop for a moment, look up, and find ourselves on the map, there is always a way back. And even this will become part of that adventure. Because we find the treasure right here right now: the stories (getting lost), the views (looking up), the perspective (look how far I’ve come), that leave us fundamentally changed when we finally make it back to “the start”. The Return to Serenity Island At the end of the episode, I share the first soundscape from The Return to Serenity Island, a course about coming home to who we are at the core of our being. Through it, we draw playful maps that help us understand the non-linear contours of who we are and what truly matters to us so that we can grow ourselves (and our future) from the inside out. This first of six audio journeys is the invitation home through the fog. The fog IS “the drift”, and the lighthouses pull us back home to a safe reconnection with who we truly are.