Perfectionism and a fear of failure can hold us back from doing what matters to us. But what about fear of success? In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, we look at the role fear can play when it comes to holding back so things don’t go too well. I was inspired by this episode of Kendra Patterson’s Stepping Off Now podcast. She drew from an article called, 8 Reasons a Fear of Success, Not Failure, Is Holding You Back to ask whether “Fear of Success” is anything more than another term for a fear of failure. I take this question and explore it further. If it IS different to a fear of failure, what is it we are actually afraid of? What IS success? And can our wariness and suspicion help rather than hinder our relationship with meaningful change, progress, and growth? Change as a Threat Success can feel like a threat to our sense of safety. Change is often difficult to embrace and instigate, even when we deeply desire it. There are a lot of unknown aspects when it comes to making change happen in our lives. Even if we are excited about having it, we can struggle to get going if we don’t have a safe and simple map to follow. We choose old patterns, behaviours, and choices over the fear of discomfort and uncertainty. The “Mere Exposure Effect” or Familiarity Principle says that when we make choices, we tend to gravitate towards preferences for things we recognise. But What IS Success? Have you ever thought about what success actually means? How would you define it? Maybe it’s a feeling. Perhaps it’s a state of being. Or a context-specific outcome. It’s a word that can mean many different things. Yet we often expect everyone to be on the same page with it. I saw the phrase, “we all want to be successful” a lot when reading about this topic. At first glance, it seems like an obvious thing to agree with. But think about it for a moment and the words become slippery and empty. What do we mean by “successful”? Is your definition the same as mine? Do we value the same things? 8 Reasons Fear of Success Might Be Holding Us Back In the original article, the author gives eight reasons fear of success might cause someone to sabotage their own progress towards things that matter to them. 1. We’re Afraid of the Unknown We might worry that we won’t cope with the changes success might bring. What waits around the corner if this goes to plan? Maybe we fear the unknown potential consequences of success. What if we can’t cope with everything that follows? What if we accidentally invent an atomic bomb? 2. We’re Afraid of the Demands Success Might Make of Us What happens when I achieve this goal? Are people going to demand more, bigger, better? Will I lose creative control? Will everyone want a piece of this? A piece of me? That sounds exhausting. 3. We’re Afraid of the Responsibility Success Might Bring In Top Gun, Pete “Maverick” Mitchell (Tom Cruise) is satisfied with his position as a naval captain. After many decades of service, he still gets to fly planes and do what he enjoys so much. People assume that something must have gone wrong in his career. Surely he should have risen through the ranks by now. But that’s not the case. He has never wanted that. Success for him is understanding what he loves and doing as much of it as he can. Success might mean adding more responsibility to our bag. But if that responsibility seems like a burden rather than an opportunity, we might be operating within someone else’s definition of success. 4. We’re Afraid of the Attention Success Could Attract Some people love being the centre of attention. While others would find it enough of a threat to play small and avoid success at all costs, if it means everyone looking at them. But it doesn’t need to be a binary choice. There are plenty of very successful people who most of us wouldn’t recognise if they were in front of us at the supermarket checkout. Prolonged attention and exposure is usually a choice we have to keep making. 5. We’re Afraid of Losing Our Identity We are always in a state of becoming. As life changes so do we. Picking up and shedding various identities we might need to use along the way. Our sense of identity (who we appear to be to the outside world) is always in flux. It becomes less important when we focus on strengthening and building our character (who we are on the inside). As we grow and shed certain identity labels, rwe might no longer fit by the crowd’s standards, expectations, and rules. 6. We’re Afraid Success Won’t Bring Us Happiness We might fear coming face to face with the truth that no success can bring us ever-lasting wholeness, satisfaction, or happiness. If we attach magical thinking to a particular pursuit (“achieving this will make my life perfect”), then it’s an understandable fear. We unconsciously recognise that “success” will be disappointing. Better to self-sabotage and believe that the success that eludes us holds the key to happiness than to find out first-hand that it doesn’t. 7. We’re Afraid of Losing Those We Care About Relationships are dynamic creatures. They morph and change over time. What does it mean to fear losing those we care about when we succeed? Drifting apart because of time pressures? What if the integrity of our most important relationships is part of our overall definition of success? 8. We’re Afraid We Might Get Carried Away with Success Is this about getting carried away with the frenetic and endless pursuit of achievements? That seems to be counter to a healthy definition of success. It is an avoidable type of drift. Foreboding Joy In a Haven Kota gathering, we talked about the relationship between success and joy. What if a successful life is simply a joy-fuelled life, where we unapologetically live in a state of deep self-acceptance and authenticity? Some of us might have developed a sense of superstitious distrust about joy. We might feel that allowing ourselves to experience joy sets us up for disappointment. In this sense, fear of success is a fear of joy. This is described by Brené Brown when she says: “Scarcity and fear drive foreboding joy. We’re afraid that the feeling of joy won’t last, or that we won’t be enough, or that the transition to disappointment (or whatever is in store for us next) will be too difficult. We’ve learned that giving in to joy is, at best, setting ourselves up for disappointment and, at worst, inviting disaster. And we struggle with the worthiness issue. Do we deserve our joy, given our inadequacies and imperfections? What about the starving children and the war-ravaged world? Who are we to be joyful?… Don’t squander joy. We can’t prepare for tragedy and loss. When we turn every opportunity to feel joy into a test drive for despair, we actually diminish our resilience. Softening into joy is uncomfortable. Yes, it’s scary. Yes, it’s vulnerable. But every time we allow ourselves to lean into joy and give in to those moments, we build resilience, and we cultivate hope. The joy becomes part of who we are, and when bad things happen — and they do happen — we are stronger.” – Brené Brown Anticipatory Grief “This too shall pass” is a mantra that works to help us get through hard times, but also to remember the fragility and preciousness of the good times. While at first glance anticipatory grief might appear dour, it brings us to life in the present. Where we might enjoy our blessings, embrace gratitude, and live in communion with the passing of time and the inevitability of change. Emily Agnew says that “to mourn something is also to celebrate it”. She suggests that “mourning things in advance does not count as Gloomy Behavior”, rather it “introduces dangerously Grateful Tendencies” and can “heighten our awareness of all that is most precious”. These concepts help us hold less tightly to fear of change, loss, uncertainty etc. And to embrace the dynamic nature of reality. Wariness of Success Wariness comes from the same root as awareness: to perceive, be watchful, and express vigilance. Deep processing is a major aspect of sensory processing sensitivity. Highly Sensitive People might anticipate potential consequences and implications of change that are overlooked or ignored by other people. This is a really valuable trait but might be seen as negative in a world that values outward expansion, perpetual growth, and progress above depth, sustainability, and integrity. It might even come across as negative, cynical, and “holding things back” at times. Have you ever felt like you can anticipate potential risks that others seem to overlook or ignore? Does this feel like a positive thing? The wariness of highly sensitive people can be a huge benefit to society. Anticipating problems down the line, connecting dots and predicting future trends and shifts. But it’s often overlooked or ignored. And the “prophets” are sometimes shunned and shamed. The truth is, that most people don’t like to look at problems or potential obstacles. Especially if it requires them to stop and change a particular course of action. Fearing success has a very healthy side to it. It helps us prepare for and respond to the negative residue of our pursuits. There are almost ALWAYS negative aspects of success. The Trappings of Success Our wariness of success is an important thing to listen to. There are VERY real risks that can come with making a change or pursuing success. Anticipating and planning for what is likely to happen is different from worrying about what COULD happen. Wariness gives us practical actions to take so we can be confident in the path ahead. Worry is an endless and unresolvable loop. Wariness is a definable pause. It allows us to assess, analyse, and decide how we want to proceed based on other factors (our values, potential implications on a variety of things, how it will impact us in general etc). Doing Well, Doing Harm and Business as Usual In their book, Active Hope, Joanne Macy and Chris Johnstone write, “Each story of how we see the world carries within it assumptions about what we mean by “doing well” and “doing harm.” Within Business as Usual, a country is doing well if its economy is growing. A business is doing well if it is expanding. A person is doing well if their income is increasing.” Success is often restricted to a lens of outward growth and expansion. But this definition has serious consequences. And true success is about so much more than this. It has to be. Feelings And The Fear Of Success Many of us carry a version of “success” that we might have never questioned. It is tied up with the story we were given by other people. Fear of success might be tied to the fear of a particular feeling related to our own desires and dreams around making changes in life. For example, it’s wrong to get what you want. Or that it’s wrong to want anything at all. We might fear the judgement that tells us we are ungrateful or unworthy, so we hold back, play small, and live in service of other peoples’ desires instead. Conclusion It’s not clear whether fear of success is really a factor in how we might sabotage our own relationship with change. But I think I would suggest that it’s more than fear of failure in disguise. It’s complicated and contextual. And it largely depends on how we conceptualise and define success. So, what does success mean to you? Have you ever given this much thought? Write down a definition. Open a conversation with yourself. Don’t worry about getting it “right”. There is no correct answer. It’s a word full of contradiction and nuance. It’s deeply personal and it’s full of baggage. What would it mean to live a successful life? How would you know when you’re there?

There are three types of change in life. First; there’s the kind we know is coming but can’t stop. Secondly; the kind we make happen ourselves. And thirdly; the kind we can’t see coming. In this episode, I look at the first kind and ask how we embrace change – rather than resisting it – as life moves from one season to the next. We cannot prevent the change that comes from time doing its thing. But we can learn to gently release any anxious resistance we might feel towards it. That’s what we will do a bit of through this episode as we explore how to embrace change as part of life even when we find the idea of it uncomfortable. Types of Change to Embrace We have an obsession in the modern world with fighting time. Fighting natural processes and the movement of the seasons. I want to ponder in this episode what could happen if we surrender this need to control, fight, and dominate nature. The dawn signals the emergence of the sun on the horizon. It is coming whether we wish it to arrive or not. Likewise, a few hours later, the sun will disappear and the dusk will take us into the night. To wish for the day during the night and night during the day is to waste our energy and emotion on the unchangeable inevitability. We waste a lot of energy on things we cannot change. And we neglect the things we can. We might also neglect the slow and steady becoming of our lives. Ageing (our own and others) The modern world holds age and ageing in a strange way. We judge it, shame it, and hold it as something to fight. So it’s no wonder why we’re afraid to embrace change if it’s collectively judged so harshly. And it has become an act of rebellion to accept and invite the changes that come from natural ageing. Even though it happens to EVERYONE. All of us. Evolution of Belonging(s) There are other things that naturally change with the passing of time. Communities Maybe you’ve experienced the evolution of a community you’ve been part of. Whatever things are like right now is not how it will stay. Communities change as members drift in and out, novel ideas become old, and challenges shake things up. Our resistance to change can mark the beginning of the end. Whereas if we embrace and roll with it, changes can keep a community fresh and moving forward. Products Over time the novelty wears off. We eventually get used to and bored by the things we own. And as newer versions are released, our old product feels tired and outdated. But we can use this awareness to change our relationship with stuff. Bearing in mind that however shiny and exciting something appears right now, over time it will become like everything else. Relationships Relationships change over time. They move through seasons of growth. They might experience periods of stagnation. Change is always present whether we want it or not, so it takes deliberate work to maintain healthy connections with people in our lives. Education There’s an episode of Rick and Morty when Jerry is creating a solar system model with Morty and he starts to add Pluto. Morty tells him that Pluto is “no longer a planet.” When Jerry confirms this to be true he resists it. He learned in 3rd grade it was a planet and refuses to believe anything else. Embracing change is a bit like a muscle. We need to keep doing it in order to grow its strength and effectiveness. Are we open to change, or do we resist it like Jerry? Work We can expect workplaces to change over time too. As well as external conditions that give rise to certain needs in the wider world. Everything is impacted by everything, and we must be ready to expect the professional impact from shifts in the world at large. What Embracing Change Makes Possible “Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” – John Allen Paulos Everything and everyone is in a constant state of becoming. We are always becoming, and we never fully arrive. If we embrace this state we can experience some positive effects: Hope and Hopefulness C.R Snyder referred to hopefulness as the “perceived capability to derive pathways to desired goals, and motivate oneself via agency thinking to use those pathways.” If we live within a spirit of hope we can be resilient in the face of change and we can also be intentional and active in response to the change that happens in life, even when we don’t like it. Depth When we allow change to be, we build on what has been before. Rather than living at the level of how things appear to be, we can embrace what going on deep beneath the surface. Clarity and Vision “We do not think ourselves into new ways of living, we live ourselves into new ways of thinking.” Richard Rohr Embracing change isn’t just something we do in our minds. It’s a dance we do with our lives. Our Best Work We are not limited to what has been before. That is all just a prelude to what is still to come. When we relinquish the power of trying to replicate/imitate/return to the past, we are free to build on it and create something completely new with our lives. Perspective and Wisdom We are part of a much bigger story. We are not the hero, we are part of a beautiful ensemble. When we embrace change we are better able to meaningful connect dots around our lives. Change is what brings perspective and wisdom. It’s the stuff we can pass on to future generations and other people we encounter. The Risks When We Don’t Embrace Change What might happen if we continue to resist change in life? Childish Immaturity If we fear change like ageing, we might fail to see the enjoyable and valuable aspects of different seasons of life. Shallow Living We might spend all our energy and resources on the surface rather than allowing the natural depths that occur over time. Stuckness and Nostalgia If we don’t embrace change we might get stuck in the past. As we move from one season to the next we might experience nostalgic blindness to the possibility of today. “While restorative nostalgia returns and rebuilds one homeland with paranoic determination, reflective nostalgia fears return with the same passion.” Svetlana Boym In her 2001 book, The Future of Nostalgia, Svetlana Boym pointed out a difference between restorative nostalgia, and reflective nostalgia. Restorative nostalgia is driven by the belief that the past holds the key to that desire to feel happy and at home in the present. It is a drive to reconstruct and relive the way you believe things were in the past. Embracing change is about honouring reflective nostalgia while rejecting the temptation to dive into restorative nostalgia. We can enjoy nostalgia. But we must never believe it. Forever Fighting If we resist change, we might always feel like we’re in a tussle with our nature. Humans have a strange need to impose our will on it and dominate it. And yet as we all know, there are some things that can’t be resisted. How Do You Embrace Change? So the question is, how do we actually begin to embrace this kind of change? It’s easy to say in theory, but what does it look like in practice? Gratitude Rather than wishing to return, practice gratitude for fond memories. Instead of yearning to go back to the past, practice feeling thankful and allowing them to be. Move With The Train Sometimes our resistance to change comes because we feel like we’re not where we’re supposed to be. But this can lead us to live like we’re walking towards the back of a moving train. Trying to return to where we were without realising that there’s no way to stop the whole thing from moving forwards. Reflective Preparation Embracing change is about being prepared for life’s inevitable transitions. As much as we can be. Embrace the mantra that “this too shall pass”. This applies to positive and negative situations alike. And we can learn to hold lightly to all things. Anticipatory Grief Anticipatory Grief is the feeling of loss for something or someone that is still there. It’s a phenomenon most often experienced in anticipation of the impending death of a loved one. However, it can be experienced in all sorts of ways and about all manner of things. Even pets and holidays! Anticipatory grief can bring us to a place of gratitude for what is in front of us right now in this moment. There are parts of it that can teach us what is important and give us an appreciation for the present. It helps us to hold lightly to the things which we have no control over. And it rips away the tendency to take things for granted. But it can be paralysing, and can lead us to actively avoid things that we want to do, because we are afraid of their eventual demise. We might find ourselves withdrawing from important stuff over time. I wrote a post about this a number of years ago, talking about how I stopped listening to one of my favourite podcasts at the time because I was overcome by the fear that it would end. Mad! Keep a Record Embracing change happens when we keep some kind of record of our lives. It’s so easy to forget how far we’ve come. You can’t watch your fingernails grow in real-time, yet they do. One of the great benefits of keeping a journal is being able to see HOW MUCH GROWS in a short period of time. What Would a Time Lapse of the Past Year Look Like? It may be difficult to comprehend change in our own lives because it can happen so incrementally. Sometimes it’s difficult to notice; a bit like walking up a hill via the slightest of inclines. It may take a very long time but with each stride you are closer to the top and only after a long time when you look back will you realise how far you’ve climbed. There is no time lapse for us to instantly see our own progress. We can however reflect and consider the different points of our journey back over the past year or so. And it can become evident and encouraging to realise that we are perhaps not as stagnant or stationary as we feel. Conclusion We’ve all written scripts about embracing, instigating, and absorbing change in our lives. These scripts can serve or sabotage us. The Change Quiz It can be hard to know where to focus your energy and attention when responding to life’s changes. Maybe you’re ready to make a change but are uncertain about what to do next. Or perhaps you’re undergoing an undesired change and struggling to find footing. The Change Quiz is designed to help you understand the overall landscape in your current relationship with change. This will help you consider simple, manageable, gentle steps to take as you move into this season of change. Take The Quiz The Haven – Embrace Change Alongside Others For many of us our relationship with change is made more difficult because we feel like we are on our own. It can seem overwhelming when no one around us sees things like we do. The burden of change is heavy to carry alone. That’s one of the reasons I built The Haven the way I have. It’s a place of sanctuary and support, where you will find like-minded travellers exploring our themes together. So if you would like to approach this season of change with the gentle support of a safe and caring community of loving misfits you are so very welcome to join us.

“How can I stop being so introverted? Any advice would be very welcome.” I was asked this question for the first time a few years ago. I’ve been asked it many times since. In fact, the blog post I wrote in response to it was one of the most visited articles on my website. I wanted to help introverts to move in sync with their natural rhythms instead of resenting them. So I’ve turned the post into a podcast episode so that we can explore what this might look like in more depth. Why Do You Want to Stop Being Introverted? It’s easy for me to say “just embrace your introversion, it’s who you are”, but I know it’s not that simple. There are good reasons why we might wish we could stop being an introvert. Especially when we compare ourselves with the person we are told to be by society. Our natural preferences don’t always fit with the values of a noisy, overstimulating, extrovert-centric world. It can feel like we don’t belong. Like there’s something wrong with us. And of course, we might wish we could change that. Isolation in an Alien World Do you ever get the sense that everyone else is in on something and you missed the meeting? Have you looked at others and envied how comfortable they are, interacting with an overwhelming world. They appear unfazed by the madness. They know what they’re doing, where they want to go, and what they need to do to get there. Laurie Helgoe says that this is very common for introverts. An idea she articulates perfectly in Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life is Your Hidden Strength. She describes two kinds of responses introverts might have to an extrovert-centric world: Shadow Dwelling Introverts: “Appear (if they can be seen) as reclusive and inaccessible – alien.” Accessible introverts “Do not come off as remote or intimidating because they have almost adapted to the extrovert culture” The potential problem we might face through these ways of adapting to a noisy world is that they can create alienation. We might become alienated from the world around us as the shadow dweller. Or we alienate ourselves from core parts of who we are deep down as the accessible introvert. Life gets exhausting when we feel like we have to spend it hiding. There’s nothing wrong with being reclusive if it gives us the platform to flourish. But if we are hiding and harbouring resentment about the world we wish we could be part of, then it’s not helping us flourish. Likewise, many people see themselves as social introverts. They love spending energy on other people and experiences, but they need plenty of downtime to prepare and recover. But if we spend all our energy pretending to fit in and be something we know we’re not, then it’s not helping us flourish. If we don’t fully accept or understand what it means to be introverted we can find ourselves in a state of limbo. In a place where we might feel it necessary to make that choice: to disappear or to play along. But Everyone Seems So Happy Much of our world is driven by perception. We are encouraged to believe that who we are is not enough. Where we are is not enough. And other people are enjoying the things we don’t have. But these stories are believable. It’s easier to tell the story that other people have their lives together than to realise the truth; that no one is whole and complete. The stories we tell ourselves about what life could be if only we were not who we are, might reinforce our sense of alienation and self-loathing. Happiness is little more than an occasional passing highlight on the mundane canvas of everyday life. If we accept this we might start to build a more useful self-concept. And enjoy what it means to be one of seven and a half billion people trying to make sense of this weird and mysterious thing we call life. What Do You Mean By “Introverted”? For many of us who want to stop being introverted, we are usually referring to a particular aspect of our personality in relation to something that matters to us. For example, I have helped people take action on their dream of performing music on stage. In one example this required changing part of a script that told the person, “you can’t perform because as an introvert you get too nervous”. When we tell ourselves stories like this, we reduce our potential by attaching what we believe is possible – or not – to something we can’t change. And by doing this we tell ourselves we CAN’T do what we would love to do. But what if introversion doesn’t stop you from doing ANYTHING? It just informs the way you might need to approach doing the thing. In the example of the performer, we could remove the word “introvert” from the script, and look at possible ways to manage and use the nerves more effectively. It turns out that nerves are not an exclusive introvert thing. They are universal. And they won’t always be there. What story are you telling yourself about introversion? How might changing the script shift your relationship with your temperament? How To Stop Being an Introvert There is a lot of clutter surrounding what introversion means. As our awareness and acceptance of it has grown in mainstream popularity, so too have a number of myths. It’s still confused with shyness and social anxiety. Of being afraid of people and scared to speak up in public. But while these are true for some introverts (as they are for extroverts), they are not a product of the innate temperament as we understand introversion to be. If we really want to stop acting in sync with our introversion there are several things we might try: Spend time with people when you’re feeling low on energy Increase sources of external stimulation Rush making big decisions Find someone to talk to about everything you’re thinking Fill your calendar with social engagements Share your opinion before you’ve considered it At its core, introversion and extroversion are about how we create and budget our energy as human beings. Introverts typically turn inwards when they need to recharge and process things. While extroverts require external stimulation (other people, crowds, invigorating experiences etc) to create the energy they need. It’s About How We Are, Not Who We Are “Even though I’m a classic introvert, when I give a lecture for my students I perform with great passion. Introverts, when they are ‘on,’ become pseudo-extraverts. Can you tell the difference between a born extravert and a pseudo-extravert? Usually you cannot.” – Professor Brian Little (Me, Myself, and Us) Acting Out of Character Brian Little suggests that we all have the ability to “act out of character” when something is important to us. This phrase can be interpreted in a couple of ways: Acting in a way that doesn’t fit a ‘fixed trait’ view of who we are (doing something that might be unexpected, not typically introverted, or viewed as unusual for us by others) Acting contrary to our natural disposition for the sake of something deeper than our own immediate comfort (acting out of our character – character being moral strength) When it comes to thinking about our personality, we often have a tendency to discuss it without context. We might say ‘I don’t like parties’, ‘I hate crowds’, or ‘I can’t stand the phone’. Yet in reality, rather than using those preferences to ensure our own future happiness we will still go to a party, stand in a crowd, and make a phone call when the situation requires it. Or at least we CAN. Free Trait Agreements The 5 Big Personality Traits (Openness to experience, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism) are not completely fixed. Little describes them as making up an arpeggio rather than a chord. As an introvert I may enter a free trait agreement, for example, to arrange a party for someone I care about, to go and be a part of a crowd when I really want to watch a live performance. Or to call a friend who really needs some support right now. When we become invested in stuff that matters we become able to temporarily put on hold our natural desire (maybe to sit at home with a book) and do something less comfortable. Restorative Niches The other side of a free trait agreement is a restorative niche. These are uniquely personal things we do to recharge after spending our energy. They restore our spirit and recharge our sense of self. One reason we might want to escape our introversion is that we aren’t aware of our own restorative niche. It’s a vital part of the rhythm that allows us to invest our time and energy into things that matter to us. If we don’t have them we risk overwhelm and burnout. These restorative niches are part of the agreements we enter into. Little suggests that there is give and take when we are in free trait agreements with others. He says “with spouses and bosses, we can strike a bargain: I’ll act out of character to advance our joint project if you will grant me a restorative niche. What we need is a Free Trait Agreement.” The Pros and Cons of Personality Tests Who doesn’t love a personality test? There’s something fun about seeing things about yourself reflected back in a description of your particular ‘type’. If we can refrain from using them to diagnose our personalities – “I’m a hothead, I fear intimacy, I’m a dreamer” – then these tools can be useful. The Good Thing About Personality Tests In the past, I have used DISC personality profiles with new coaching clients. They provide some good information to explore together and allow me to adapt my approach to suit their natural communication style and personal preferences. We often encounter resistance when we don’t understand the differences between people. Personality profiles remind us that we see and experience the world differently to others. And others experience it differently to us. Not only is this a potential path to hold the world with more empathy but also to encounter ourselves in a new way. Everyone is a bit weird. Not just us. When we acknowledge this truth and become more aware of our subconscious preferences, we are better equipped to work WITH ourselves in service of our personal values and goals. The Problem With Personality Tests “Too many of us wake up one day feeling stuck inside a narrow definition of ourselves” – Michael Puett (author of The Path: A New Way to Think About Everything) When I first realised I was an introvert I had a category by which to divide my picture of the world. There were introverts and there were extroverts. Introverts behave a certain way and extroverts another way. The danger with personality typing is that we look for a prescription rather than a description of our preferences. It can quickly become an identity rather than a tool for understanding. When we allow our labels to drive our behaviour we live out a self-fulfilling prophecy. Who we are reflects how we think we should act, and we end up putting ourselves in boxes that are only a tiny part of the overall picture of who we are. Labels and Traps I had a conversation years ago with someone who had recently learned they were an introvert. I was talking about how much of a relief it was to realise I wasn’t as weird and different as I thought. They were quick to snap back, “I never thought I WAS weird! It’s everyone else that’s got the problem”. On the one hand, good for them. It was great to witness such a strong sense of inner confidence. But on the other hand, I’m not sure it was confidence. They used their introversion as a source of tribal identity rather than a tool for personal growth. This was evident when they continued, “they say I’m too quiet and they can’t hear me. But I’m peaceful and calm, just because they’re not used to it, that shouldn’t mean that I have to change. They need to get over themselves.’ There is a difference between an insult and a criticism. An insult is personal whereas a criticism contains something we can use and learn from. It’s sometimes a vague line, but we must be careful not to take everything as a personal insult. As introverts, we CAN make a free-trait agreement and adapt our natural preferences if the situation requires it. Perhaps we need to speak louder in a particular environment or when carrying out a certain role. Embracing Who You Are Your introversion is part of who you are. It’s the foundation of your natural rhythm. It can help you approach your hopes and dreams in sustainable ways. It’s the track on which you run. It’s not something to overcome, but something to understand and work with.

I don’t know about you but sometimes I push myself to the limit and something that would normally inspire me feels like an overwhelming noise. We often stretch ourselves to life’s edges. And we squeeze the margin for inspiration to breathe and grow.  Margin is a characteristic of gentleness. It softens the blow of unwanted change and allows inspiration to flow without overwhelming us. But the world often demands productivity, efficiency and the elimination of waste. And in such a place there is little margin for deep and healthy inspiration to truly land. In this episode of the Gentle Rebel Podcast, we explore what happens to our creative spirit when we live without nurturing margin for inspiration. We will look at the signs to look out for that tell us we’re too close to the edge. And we consider the role of rest in life; asking whether it’s more than simply the opposite of activity. Triggers and Inspiration An inspired surge of emotion can be overwhelming. It might be hard to tell whether fear or excitement is running the show. It might be a little of both. But unless we leave margin for inspiration, we don’t have the capacity to inquire. While we often associate emotional triggers with negative stimulation, they can come from desirable sources, too. A trigger is a prompt that causes something to happen. It might be a deliberate part of a physical device like a switch on a kettle. Or it might be harder to spot like sensory stimulation such as a taste, smell, visual, sound, or texture that prompts a conscious or subconscious memory. If we’re feeling exhausted, inspiration can seem overwhelming. But there’s a difference between being and feeling inspired. When inspiration overwhelms us, margins provide a cushion to hold and absorb whatever is emerging. Even when we don’t feel ready to do anything with it just yet. Trigger Warnings On her Instagram, Dr Susanne Wolf talked about what to look out for when recognising emotional reactivity to external stimulation. Sudden Physical Changes (increased heart rate, fast breathing, muscle tension, stomach clenches, feelings of tightness in the chest, nausea). Sudden Cognitive Changes (confusion, overwhelm, irritation, indecisiveness, distractedness, unresponsiveness) Sudden Emotional Changes (fear, frustration, anxiety, despair, sadness, grief, yearning) Sudden Behavioural Changes (becoming argumentative, alarmed, alert, lashing out, giving up, withdrawal, procrastination, agitated, shutting down, blaming others, restlessness) Sudden Irritation By Seemingly Unrelated Things (touch, noise, sound, people, textures, scenery, places) These sound like signs of an overwhelmingly negative situation. But the responses don’t necessarily distinguish between positive and negative stimulation. We might even experience many of them when we’re inspired. Why Am I Emotionally Reactive? What is causing this heightened state of emotional reactivity? In the post, Dr Wolf shares observations we might make, like feeling dismissed, ignored, attacked, afraid, insulted, manipulated, humiliated, excluded, offended, betrayed, alone, ashamed etc. I would also add some other triggers for emotional reactivity. If we don’t create space to become aware of what’s going on beneath the surface, we might confuse these for negative triggers. Feeling uncomfortable, excited, anxious, moved, sad, concerned, connected, disappointed etc. How To Cope When Feeling Triggered Dr Wolf’s advice is to remove attention from the external object and focus inwards. She suggests naming the thoughts and feelings and noticing how the body is expressing the emotions. Speak with inward and use practical actions such as deep breathing, journalling, movement, and talking with someone to process the feeling. We might be tempted to eradicate the triggers, be it the situation that gave rise to a feeling, or even the feeling itself. What if triggers could show us solutions instead of just pointing out problems? What if they could help us develop a deeper relationship with our own creativity and voice? Having margin in our lives – so that we can experience triggers without getting burned out or derailed – is powerful. It allows us to absorb them if and when they happen. The Power of Margins Margin and rest are both vital elements of the Inspiratory System. They allow us to absorb and respond to all kinds of triggers in and around our lives. Margins Bring Focus and Clarity The space around the page draws our focus to the words. Margins Keep Grubby Fingers Away From The Words When you pick up a page or a book you want the words protected from finger smears. A margin keeps the good stuff away from where fingers might naturally reach in order to pick the thing up so there is no inadvertent or accidental smudging. Margins Absorb Excessive Inspiration Margins give us a place to capture our thoughts as they come. When we’re inspired, margins give us the space near the scene of the inspiration to develop and untangle what has been triggered in our minds or bodies. Margins Cushion Slips and Bleed When printing things can slip sometimes. We might feel slightly off-colour or be going through challenging circumstances. If we’re not attempting to print life right to the edge we have margin for things to go wrong and for it to still be ok. Margins Make Things More Comfortable Margins on a notepad make it much easier to express yourself. When you’re not having to go all the way to the very edge you don’t have to worry about falling off the edge of the page. Margins Protect The Core The edges of pages can get nibbled by rats and mites. Margins mean that even if or when that happens, there is protection around the words. Margins Allow Holes To Be Punched We might get holes punched in us so that we are easier to store in files and boxes. But margins allow that to happen without it changing who we are. Without margins, the holes cut straight through the words. The Power of Rest There are margins everywhere we look – not just around the edges of a page, but woven into and through it. Rest is what makes everything meaningful. It’s the silence between the notes, the space around the letters. The pause as we look around, observe, notice, and experience flow. If we’re always living right up to the edge of our capacity, we leave no space for inspiration’s waste (the important bit!) We can become unreceptive to the small voice within, we don’t listen to our bodies, and we’re at the mercy of ‘busyness’. Rest is Not One Side of a Binary Divide Rest is not the flipside of action. It’s not simply a thing we do. It’s baked into the WAY we do. We don’t rest in order to do anything. We rest because we’re human. The 7 Soul-Freeing Sources of Rest Sandra Dalton-Smith (Sacred Rest: Recover Your Life, Renew Your Energy and Restore Your Sanity), argues that “sleep and rest are not the same thing, although many of us incorrectly confuse the two”. She outlines 7 types of rest that we all need, many of which are not prioritised in a world that leaves no margin. Physical (Passive and Active) Passive rest comes in the form of sleeping or napping. Active rest comes from physically moving our bodies. Mental Mental rest might come from things like mindfulness and meditation practices. But also by engaging with things that help our minds think in more restful ways. For me, reading, playing and listening to music, writing, and playing golf are all ways to find mental rest. It’s about opening channels for the mind to be active without force or control. Emotional Dalton-Smith says that many of us are skilled at hiding, even when we want to be found. It is massively draining to conceal who we are from the world and so emotional rest is a moment of integrity in the sense of integrating who we are inside with who we are outside. Spiritual We find rest from the sense of belonging that comes from transcending the desire to fit in and to come to a place where we understand that we belong simply by virtue of the fact we are here. Spiritual rest is about connection to something bigger, deeper, or beyond our physical and mental state of being. It might be plugging into the story of humankind or our place in the universe in a meaningful way. Contributing to something, being involved in a community, or any practice that helps raise our awareness that we are part of something more than our own immediate experience. Sensory Noise and clutter fill our world and “our senses yearn to be quieted”. This really speaks to the idea that rest is silence, stillness, and space around the notes, letters, and brush strokes. We need to both rest our senses and give our senses more enriching experiences. Social Not all social experience is equal. We know that as introverts and sensitive people. There are some people in whose presence we find restorative energy. While other people have strong internal energy vampires. Dalton-Smith says that we often face the issue that “our social reach exceeds our social capacity. However, in the presence of a trusted confidante, an atmosphere of rest is created. Their expressions of acceptance, understanding and compassion become needed nourishment to conquer loneliness.” Creative We find creative rest in environments that allow our creative spirit to flow. This is a simple place where we can observe without judgement, notice what we notice, and allow everything to move through us for a moment. Conclusion Designing margin into our lives is an act of vulnerability. It is discouraged and questioned. But our physical, mental, and emotional well-being need rest, margin, space, silence, stillness, and pause. This is not just important for ourselves, but also for the sake of humanity and the world as a whole. So margin is necessary if we want to make room for inspiration and creativity to take root in and around our lives. A Short Meditation on Rest | This comes from a series of short reflections about the nine parts of the Inspiratory System. https://vimeo.com/725824280/f022f2027f

The idea of the inspiratory system reminds us that inspiration is a lot like breath. The word “inspiration” comes from the same place as respiration and spirit. Just as we need to take in oxygen to live, we can also breathe in other elements from the world around us to keep ourselves feeling good. And just as different factors can impact the quality of the air we breathe, they can also impact what goes on within us and what we are able to create. This is not just something that applies to our work, it’s also about the way we express what it means to be alive and what it means to be (and become) ourselves. Life is a rhythm, and sometimes we lose sight of that. We value action, productivity, and results (breathing out). But unless we balance this with breathing in, we have a perfect recipe for overwhelm, burnout, and a rather uninspired life. That’s what we’re exploring in this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast. What Is Inspiration? We are constantly inspired by the world around us, whether we realise it or not. We take in the spirit of our surroundings and then express it in our own unique way. The life we live is a reflection of the things we see and experience. Whether we are conscious of it or not, everything we encounter shapes who we are and how we see the world. Paula described inspiration as, “a tickle, or a fizz inside as suddenly my vision of what could be expands and reveals giddy-making opportunity. It’s very vulnerable though and like a new flame can easily be blown out by my own lack of confidence or self-dismissal.” I love that image. It’s like a fizzing tickle that awakens something inside us. We can suddenly see something through a lens of possibility and light. Inspiration is an awakening. An awareness. Seeing something for the first time, or seeing it in a certain way for the first time. It requires us to have the receptiveness to be aware, and it requires the conditions that give rise to the possibility. The inspiratory system is one of inbreath AND outbreath. It completes through action, through a response, through turning what we take in into something we breathe out. The Makeup Of an Inspired Performance Inspiration is something that comes from within and is expressed outwardly. It’s like a magical power that can transform an ordinary performance into something extraordinary. But inspiration is only visible when it’s turned into action. You may feel inspired, but if you don’t do anything with that feeling, what does it really mean? We don’t usually say “I felt inspired but didn’t do anything,” because the feeling of being inspired is intrinsically linked to taking action, even if the action is just to wait. Tankespjarn and Inspiration Helena Roth talks about a kind of gentleness with an edge to it. She says that it’s our relationship to our own edges that opens us up to new experiences. Tankespjärn happens when we’re willing to say yes to uncertainty and doubt. We find it in the invitation or willingness to experience a shift. This type of inspiration is not imposed on us from the outside, but rather it ignites within us when a new possibility or perspective is seeded. The Inspiratory System We can find inspiration in many places: people, media, education, connectedness, place, play, movement, art, and rest. If we are intentional in our relationships with these things, we increase the chances that inspiring conditions will occur. People The people we interact with can have a big impact on how inspired we feel. Certain people may leave us feeling more energised, while others can drain our spirit. It’s not just about physical energy, but a deeper well of creative energy. Media We rely on information to keep us connected and informed about the world around us. It can be a source of safety, helping us make positive decisions. But too much of it can leave us feeling overwhelmed and hopeless. Education Learning for the sake of learning is a deep source of inspiration. Many of us forget that we can keep learning and finding education after we leave formal schooling. Maybe our education is limited to training events we have to attend at work, or qualifications we must do in order to reach another rung on the career ladder. We might stumble upon inspiring ideas within these contexts, but sometimes we come to resent education because it has become something we only do when it has a purpose or productive point to it. Connectedness There is a peace that comes from feeling connected to something larger than ourselves. For some, this might be a spiritual connection, a sense of community, or oneness with nature. When we step outside our own egos and into something bigger, we can find inspiration and meaning. When we contribute to something beyond our immediate experience, we can create lasting change. Place Maybe you find inspiration through travel or perhaps you feel most inspired when you have a safe place that feels like yours. Do you get inspired by seeing and engaging with new environments? Or through building your own nest to create or rest in? Play Play is often the birthplace of some of the best ideas, works of art, and inventions. It allows us to tap into different parts of our brain, take our attention away from thinking too hard, and make connections that we didn’t know were possible. Movement Movement is an important part of the inspiratory system. Like play, it makes space for inspiration to strike by allowing us to look elsewhere and take a break from looking for it. It is important for our general well-being and the state of our being so we are receptive to new ideas and nudges when they arrive. Art We have the privilege of standing on the shoulders of giants. For centuries, humans have used their imaginations to create inspiring works of art in a variety of forms, including music, theatre, film, dance, craft, and literature. By taking in these various forms of art, we can infuse our inspiratory system with a sense of calm. Rest Although it’s often overlooked, resting is a crucial part of our inspiratory system. Our society’s obsession with productivity and busyness can actually make us less productive and effective at times, especially when it comes at the expense of our wellbeing. When we’re well rested, we’re in a better position to notice and respond to inspiration. Our minds become clearer, and our sense of urgency and busyness slows. The Price of Inspiration Some days it is the search for inspiration that leads us to start creating. When we give of ourselves more than feels comfortable, it leads us to a sense of meaning. This is because we are inviting sacrifice into our lives – something that goes beyond the quest for comfort. It is an opportunity to contribute, to spend ourselves, and breathe out. In this way, we feel like part of the world and our energy can become a source of life for other people and things. Action and Inspiration (The Cycle of Breath) Inspiration is a choice we make to listen to the creative voice inside of us. Though it can be uncertain and tiring, this path may lead us to great places. Like exercise, it takes energy to be creative. And like exercise, it might be tiring in the short term, but the more you spend, the more energy you create in the long run. Don’t Be a Donkey Buridan’s donkey stands “halfway between a pile of hay and a bucket of water. It keeps looking left and right, trying to decide between hay and water. Unable to decide, it eventually dies of hunger and thirst. A donkey can’t think of the future. If he could, he’d clearly realize that he could first drink the water, then go eat the hay.” In his post, Derek Sivers says, “Don’t be a donkey. You can do everything you want to do. You just need foresight and patience.” The Canvas Strategy (People Remember How You Make Them Feel) “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou I remember how moving it was during my years caring for a close family friend who had dementia. It really highlights the power of the emotional memory bank. We experience this through times of crisis…when we go through a traumatic event with someone, we are more likely to remember how they made us feel rather than the particulars of what they said or did. This is part of the inspiratory system because when we help others feel good about THEMSELVES, connections are made and inspiration is sparked into life. Let’s focus on making people feel good in themselves and see how that contributes to a more inspired world. Notice What You Notice During my experience with John, I spoke about it at a TEDx conference. The theme of the event was Look Deeper. Dementia is all about looking deeper – while someone might appear one way on the surface, if you take the time to observe and notice, you can find glimpses of truth. You can find the person there, even when it feels difficult to uncover. It wasn’t until I was writing my talk that I realised how inspiration comes when we notice what we notice about ourselves, others, and the world around us. Conclusion Inspiration can come in different forms – sometimes it’s a sudden flash or explosion, while other times it’s a gradual expansion of inner awareness. It’s the voice that gives us something new to look at or a new way of looking at what is already there. It comes through experimentation, routine, novelty, and connection. It rarely happens in exactly the same way twice and we need to be receptive. Slowing down, resting, and opening ourselves up is all key. Even if we find ourselves inspired by frantic and high-octane experiences, we still need space and stillness to allow that inspiration to integrate and breathe through our lives. There is no one right way to be inspired. What works for one person may not work for another. But we can be intentional about the sources of inspiration in and around our life and make them work for us.

There is a huge amount about the topic of habits and I don’t want to regurgitate what is already out there. So in this week’s podcast, I want to look at them through the lens of gentleness, sensitivity, and slow growth. How can we use gentle habits to build a sustainable relationship with our temperaments and natural preferences? And what are some of the challenges we might face when building a life around what matters most to us? At their core, habits are automatic behaviours. They are the things we do with little or no conscious thought when prompted by a situational trigger or cue. But we can also have an influence on them. And we can choose to build habits that serve our broader goals, intentions, and visions. This topic comes from our Tranquility theme in The Haven. Where we’ve been exploring conditions like our environments, routines, and boundaries. And thinking about how they can help give rise to more of what we want life to look, feel, smell, taste, and sound like. Life on Autopilot We sometimes talk about habits as being like running on autopilot. They free us up to think about and pay attention to other things that might require willpower and energy. But when we leave autopilot running it is easy to slip into ruts and just go through the motions. This might cause a creeping sense of drift and degradation to our sense of purpose. It Takes Courage To Acknowledge When Something Needs to Change We require courage to acknowledge and face up to these ruts our undesirable habits might leave us in. And when we engage with it, our courage can bring us face to face with new and exciting horizons of possibility. It shows us the direction we need to move in if we really want things to change. It shines a light on the unhelpful habits we need to replace. And helps us identify the gentle actions we could take in order to recalibrate certain areas of life. Building Small and Effective Habits Habits are only as effective as the vision they serve. It does little good to have a strategy if we don’t have an aim. Otherwise, we end up at the mercy of the latest shiny fad or fashion. Gentleness is about rooting ourselves in a deeper sense of vision. We cannot rush this. It requires us to slow down and observe what we are feeling. So gentle habits are things we build from the inside out. Tiny Habits are Built on Gentle Foundations BJ Fogg’s Tiny Habits model sits on gentle foundations. It encourages us to be gentle with ourselves, our aspirations, and the approach we take to making meaningful change happen over time. There is an awful lot of ungentleness around when it comes to personal growth. The demand for endless growth and instant results. But with tiny habits, it’s all about trusting the process and understanding that big things come faith in small, slow, and deep action. Fogg says that Tiny Habits require you to do three things: Stop Judging Yourself It’s easier said than done and rather than being a pre-requisite for tiny habits, it’s actually a product of it. With the tiny habits approach that there is less room for self-criticism. Take Aspirations and Break Them Into Tiny Behaviours What do we want things to look like? What would we love to change? Tiny habits break down these big-picture aspirations into ridiculously small actions. So that we don’t have to rely on willpower to do what we’d love to do. Embrace Mistakes as Discoveries and Use Them to Move Forward Mistakes are not bad. In fact, most of the greatest discoveries, artworks, and developments made by humans have mistakes built into their core. When we make mistakes we are able to raise awareness and discover all sorts of things about ourselves and the world. While a lot of people pay lip service to the value of failure, we still have a deep-rooted fear of being wrong or messing up baked into society. Gentleness offers us the space to embrace our mistakes and to use them as catalysts for growth. Obstacles to Motivation We often talk about self-motivation when it comes to developing habits or making changes in our lives. But we are motivated by many things, some of which contradict each other. Motivation means “to stimulate something toward action”. If you’re like me you will find yourself being moved to act by all kinds of things that don’t serve that deeper vision. There is sometimes a difference between our response to the question ‘what matters now?’ and ‘what matters most?’ The thing that matters right now might actually be an obstacle to our big-picture aspiration. It needs us to react now. And to serve something or someone’s urgent need. But if we can anchor ourselves into “what matters most”, we can make intentional decisions and hold requests up to the light we’ve chosen to follow. Motivation, Ability, Prompt/Trigger BJ Fogg looks at the three components present in the formation of any habit: Motivation (a compelling reason for doing it) Ability (how easy it is to do – if you can’t do it you won’t) Prompt/trigger (something that compels or subconsciously reminds you to act) The Fogg Behaviour Model Fogg debunks the popular myth that a habit is established through repetition for 21, 30, or 60 days. He points to research that indicates how habits can actually be ingrained much more quickly than that (and they also might take a lot longer). Undesirable vs Desirable Habits Rather than “good” or “bad”, I like to view habits on a spectrum of desirable to undesirable. I ask whether a habit is expanding or contracting, serving or detracting when it comes to supporting my vision or aspiration. This makes it easier to identify what needs to change and to filter potential options as I consider what I might want to do instead. What Derails Our Habits? There are a number of potential obstacles that can derail our desirable habits. It’s worth thinking about them so we can choose how we want to respond. People “How to kill an introvert: starve them to death by putting a stranger in the kitchen”. This was part of a meme that did the rounds a few years ago. It made me laugh and felt close to home. I have derailed a whole bunch of desirable habits because of people. Sometimes there are specific people who say or do things to derail me. But many instances grow out of the story I tell myself about what people will think, do, or say…or in anticipation of encounters I don’t have the desire or energy for. People-pleasing can stop us from nurturing habits too. Not wanting to be in the way, make a fuss, or rock the boat. Or serving someone else’s aspirations at the expense of our own. Rabbit Holes and Distractions I’m very grateful that I can enter creative flow very easily. It doesn’t take me long to lose myself in work, play, or some kind of project. This obviously has great benefits. But it can also derail routines and habits. Not only does it take away from other desirable habits, but it can also make quick and simple actions seem overwhelming, draining, and complex. Disconnection From Why We might also get derailed from developing and nurturing desirable habits when we lose connection with our sense of why we’re doing it. If we’re not personally motivated or compelled toward particular habits, we can quickly lose interest in it. This can also tell us important things, such as whether or not the habit is really desirable. Or whether we’re doing it because we believe we should. Habits as Symptoms When an undesirable habit seems impossible to shift, it’s worth considering it as a symptom rather than a cause. We might think about how things further up the river set this result in motion (and perhaps made it all but inevitable). It can be useful to step back and look at where habits sit in the overall stack of actions and prompts. One thing can lead to another and before we know it we’re doing the thing we didn’t want to be doing…yet again. By the time we get to the thing itself it is almost impossible to stop ourselves. And it puts an unnecessarily big burden on us to say no to ourselves. Magical Thinking We might look at other peoples’ habits and believe that emulating them is the key to our own success. A few years ago I remember seeing a lot of people sharing their morning routines, and I noticed this kind of magical thinking attitude to be common among readers. There is nothing wrong with getting inspired by what other people do. That’s very natural. And it’s great to have role models who can give us ideas to test out. But this is different from believing if we copy what they do we will arrive in some utopian dream world. Scary Labels Impostor syndrome and self-doubt can kick in when we’re building new habits. Especially if we think about it in terms of identity. Being described as a writer, a runner, a creative, an entrepreneur etc can be scary. When we compare ourselves to people who really are those things it might put us off our desired pursuits. Sometimes it’s helpful to break identity down into the language of habits. Detaching all judgement language from it or qualifying criteria. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done or how good people might say you are, in simple terms: a writer is a person in the habit of writing a hard worker is in the habit of working hard a waiter is someone who works in a restaurant or cafe a musician is someone in the habit of playing music This is empowering if we feel unworthy of doing something because it gives us simple objective steps to take. It takes our value judgement out of it. Build Habits With Celebration and Shine Fogg says a core part of the tiny habits approach is about making ourselves FEEL successful rather than on BEING successful. He writes that: “In English we do not have a perfect word to describe the positive feeling we get from experiencing success. I’ve read piles of scientific literature on related topics, and I’ve done my own research in this area, and I am convinced that we are lacking a good word. (The closest label is “authentic pride,” but that’s not an exact match.) So, with the encouragement of three of the world’s experts on human emotion, I decided to create a new word for this feeling of success: shine.” BJ Fogg (Tiny Habits) Rewards are Not The Same as Incentives He also says that “many so-called habit experts have pumped up the idea of motivating a new habit with a reward…As with many words that have migrated from academia to pop-science, the meaning of “reward” has become muddied to the point of being unhelpful in some cases and downright misleading in others. Let’s say that you have committed to running every day for two weeks, and at the end of those two weeks, you “reward” yourself with a massage. I would say, “Good for you!” because we all could benefit from more massages. But I would also say that your massage wasn’t a reward. It was an incentive. Incentives like a sales bonus or a monthly massage can motivate you, but they don’t rewire your brain. Incentives are way too far in the future to give you that all-important shot of dopamine that encodes the new habit. A real reward — something that will actually create a habit — is a much narrower target to hit than most people think.” He points out that the official meaning of “reward” as it applies to habit formation is a celebration that comes IMMEDIATELY before, during, and after a habit. How Does Shine Feel For You? “You know this feeling already: You feel Shine when you ace an exam. You feel Shine when you give a great presentation and people clap at the end. You feel Shine when you smell something delicious that you cooked for the first time…By skillfully celebrating, you create a feeling of Shine, which in turn causes your brain to encode the new habit.” BJ Fogg (Tiny Habits) Can you think of what shine feels like to you? Maybe a particular experience comes to mind. It’s the feeling we get after a particularly satisfying experience. We can break down desirable habits and imagine or envisage the points that feel good. How To Celebrate With Freedom and Authenticity Fogg provides some scenarios that might tell us how we naturally celebrate moments of shine. He suggests we can use these celebrations to help solidify the formation of new habits. One of these scenarios says: You decide to apply for your dream job with a company you love. You make it through the process all the way to the final interview. The hiring manager says, “We’ll send an e-mail with our decision.” The next morning the manager’s e-mail is waiting for you. You open it, and this is the first word you read: “Congratulations!” What do you do at that moment? We can use “what we do at that moment” to rewire our brains in favour of the actions we want more of in our lives. Stacking Joy Into Hard Habits Another way to infuse new habits or difficult actions with positivity is through ‘joy stacking’. This article on Focus to Evolve talks about infusing joy into everyday chores. Stacking joy into things we might not otherwise enjoy doing. This is not quite the same as celebration, but there is something nice about injecting enjoyable aspects into habits to make them more appealing (e.g. listening to podcasts, eating cake, making it social). What I like about this idea is that it ensures the habit feels like a PART of life. Rather than something that we’re doing FOR our future. Exercise that feels joyful now is easier to maintain than the exercise you do for the abstract stranger who is your future self.

The past few years have carried an exceptionally concentrated flow of difficult news. It can feel like too much information to hold at any one time. In the podcast this week, we look at the impact of information on our senses. We consider a few ways we might process some of the dread that we’re trying to cram into our already overflowing bucket. Can we find more energy, creativity, and gentleness in the face of life’s uncertainty? Focusing On Where We Want to Go Resources about coping with information overwhelm often tell us to limit, control, and challenge our actions and thoughts. But this is unhelpful. It’s like looking at a tree when we’re in control of a vehicle. We get more of what we focus on. If we want to avoid the tree, it’s no good focussing on it. It’s far better to focus on where we want to go instead. Dread Stacking Dread Stacking is what happens when too much information builds up and we don’t have time to process it. It comes from the relentless and endless string of painful stories from situations, events, and changes across the globe. The fast-paced world means attention moves from one thing to the next very quickly. But just because the news and social media can move from one thing to the next, it doesn’t mean we can do that without consequences as humans. Stories can leave the residue of heartbreak, anxiety, and fear. The Cost of Stracking Too Much Information In the midst of a dread stack, it is very difficult to focus. In a world where everything matters, it’s hard to know where we should invest our time and energy. So we might end up tuning out and turning off the flow of information. It follows that newsworthy information is usually bad. Or divisive. Or fear-mongering. It is exceptional. Not normal. Or it wants a reaction. And the simplest way to get people to engage is to provoke, scare, or anger. We might think that news is just information we passively consume. Whether on radio, TV or through social media. But it’s not. It seeps into our experience of life. It contributes massively to our overall health. We need a balanced diet in the food we eat, and it’s no different with the information we consume. What goes in is what comes out. We cannot binge on ‘newsworthy’ news, expecting to feel balanced, happy, and healthy afterwards. We will build a skewed picture of the world, and carry that with us into other areas of life. People Are Under a Lot of Stress People can do extreme things when they feel overwhelmed. David Lynch demonstrates this perfectly in a wonderfully twisted scene in Twin Peaks. An accountant returns home to find a van parked a few inches over his drive. This sparks a rapid escalation that ends up with the van rolling into a lamp post with two dead assassins inside. Two local casino bosses are watching the whole thing unfold. Bradley says, “what kind of crazy neighbourhood is this?” to which his brother Rodney replies, “people are under a lot of stress, Bradley.” I love this scene and I love this line. It seems to speak to so much of what we see going on in the world right now. How something so trivial can lead to this wild moment where everyone loses their minds and do things that are just completely destructive. To one another and to themselves. It’s Nothing Personal I once received an angry response to one of my email newsletters. It had a go at me for failing to consider people in their pretty niche position. It stopped me in my tracks and took me a while to work out how to respond. I entered my standard shame spiral. And I felt bad for failing to consider the particular situations everyone reading it might be experiencing. But then I slept on it. I’ve learned to put space between the stimulus and response when it comes to reacting to criticism. I walk away for a bit. And then come back later on with a clearer head and fresh eyes. Space Between Stimulus and Response It often looks a bit different when I do this. It’s rarely as harsh as my brain first interprets it. And even if it lands the same punch as the first time, I’m generally more ready to respond with a firm back and soft front. I’ve learned to not reply straight away because the initial reaction is usually to fire back with a defensive or aggressive spirit. Increasing the chances of a Twin Peaks style escalation. When I replied to this email, it opened up a gentle conversation. They were surprised I replied. They didn’t expect me to read their message, which was essentially an expression of pain at the tough situation they were going through. We exchanged a few messages and they were able to untangle a few things and find a clearer path forwards. It was a reminder for me not to take things personally. How Do We Know What We Need to Know? What do we do with all the information? There’s a lot of it. How do we distinguish between what we need to know and what we don’t? And beyond that, how do we engage with the part of us that connects with stuff we don’t need to know more than the stuff we DO need to know.  When it comes to emotional responsiveness, the brain doesn’t really discriminate between things happening directly to us and things it sees happening to someone else. As a result, we put ourselves into stress mode whenever we watch the news and hear about traumatic events going on around the world. Stress mode is when our bodies release hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. And these are the fuel for the fight, flight, and freeze responses. To ‘Be Informed’? Is being informed just knowing ABOUT things? It’s also about being and feeling connected to the world around us. It’s about being integrated with society. And being able to think critically about information, its origins, and its method of delivery. We’re Not Wired For This The way we receive information in the modern world is not natural. It’s hard to hold its quantity and speed. And it’s hard when we can’t possibly respond to it. Because it’s too far away and there’s too much of it. When functioning at a local level our natural need to do something helps us prepare for certain weather conditions or respond to nearby danger. But this doesn’t translate easily to a global context. Sensory Information Processing Too much information can be especially hard for highly sensitive people. The wider aperture means more information is absorbed and processing goes deeper. So when the flow of news doesn’t stop, overwhelm is never far away. Starting From a Place of Humility It is possible to find a sense of agency and power whilst remaining aware of and positively engaged with news from around the world. But we have to be intentional about it. And we must start from a place of surrender and humility. To admit our own limits. We cannot possibly hold it all, we cannot possibly change everything, and we cannot know all there is to know. And if we try we will almost certainly render ourselves useless for the things that WE CAN make an impact on. Too Much Information And The HSP Even if that’s not a conscious choice, highly sensitive people naturally and subconsciously scan the world for signs of danger. This is happening all the time in the background. So they are always taking new information on board. This can be exhausting. Depth of Processing For highly sensitive people information is like a huge raw image file. It takes up a lot of disc space and requires large amounts of processing power. The highly sensitive nervous system cannot cope with too many of these files being open at one time. Easily Overstimulated Exposure to lots of information can leave highly sensitive people drained and therefore less able to function effectively. How does overwhelm from too much information show up as a symptom? Physical: tension, tightness, heart rate, blood pressure, and exhaustion Mental: doom scrolling, hopping between tasks, procrastination, busy work, inability to access flow, fatigue, unhealthy cycles of action Anxiety: the feeling that you’ve got to something but you don’t know what Shutting Down: not listening or absorbing new information – even positive news Desensitisation: “Oh Dearism” and loss of empathy Other Defence Mechanisms: Denial (that hasn’t happened) Repression (that didn’t happen) Regression (remember when things were better in the old days) Displacement (I hate that driver that just cut me up) Splitting (we need to eliminate the baddies) Even the most sensitive people can become desensitised to things when they become normalised. This often happens as a way of coping with overexposure to upsetting scenes and information. Desensitisation can be a coping mechanism, not a sign that we don’t care. Rather it is assistance from the brain, disabling our ability to care in order to keep the mind safe from harm, when it’s overexposed to damaging events. Emotional Reactivity Dread stacking isn’t just a cognitive thing. It’s not just that our minds find it hard to hold all the information. This is a physiological thing. An emotional thing. When we see the suffering of other people we feel it at a deep level. Sensitive to Subtleties When given space and time, HSPs are a key part of humanity’s collective survival. But this is difficult when there is too much information flowing in. Awareness vs Alertness Alertness is a state of hyper-reaction. It anticipates danger and seeks it in every piece of information. Awareness is a state of deep connection. The aware person is engaged with and connected to the environment so that they respond positively and unconsciously to subtle shifts around them. They know what they are able to ignore and let go. Expanding Our Capacity To Hold Information How might we engage with and process information in healthier ways that help us remain energised and engaged? How can we avoid dread stacking and connect with life’s joy and beauty? What do I feel right now? What do I need right now? And what would I love right now? These questions are from Jacob Nordby. He shares as part of a journal practice. Again this came up in our Haven session as something several people use and value.   What The World Needs Most… “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” Howard Thurman There are two sides to what the world needs here. First, the world of systems and structures needs us to act and think in certain ways. But what humanity needs is for us to be alive, engaged, and connected to the joy of life. Slowing Down The world doesn’t stop turning when we take a moment to pause. And it won’t get any worse because we are taking a moment to gather some strength and perspective. In fact, it is more likely to get worse if we try operating from a place of overwhelm and overextension. We will contribute to more of the problems that we want to eradicate. Joy Emerges in The Cracks and Stains Joy doesn’t require a particular product or outcome. It doesn’t need things to be right. It emerges through the cracks, the stains, and the imperfections of life. In fact, the things we think we need in order to be happy are usually obstacles to joy. Because they leave us waiting, anticipating, always seeing it as the proverbial mirage up ahead. How Do We Stack More Joy? We cannot help to heal anything around us if we’ve been cut off from accessing joy. Maybe we feel like it’s inappropriate to be happy when there’s so much suffering in the world. Perhaps it feels insensitive to share our joy. Or maybe we can’t allow ourselves to feel that stuff at all while things are as they are.

When I first saw the term, “Sensory Processing Sensitivity” I looked straight past it. It was around 2011 when I had recently started reading about introversion. While hanging out in the personality rabbit hole I kept seeing the question, “Are You a Highly Sensitive Person?“ Every time I read it I repeated a gentle but firm, “no” to myself. But it wouldn’t leave me alone. So eventually I gave in and clicked on one of the links. Are you easily overwhelmed by such things as bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, or sirens nearby? Do you get rattled when you have a lot to do in a short amount of time? When you were a child, did your parents or teachers see you as sensitive or shy? Do you notice or enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, or works of art? Do you have a rich and complex inner life? Oh. Hang on. I dug deeper. I read The Highly Sensitive Person by Dr Elaine Aron. And it turned out I probably WAS one of those highly sensitive people after all. Part of 15-20% of the population with an innate trait (Sensory Processing Sensitivity) that “reflects a certain type of survival strategy, being observant before acting”. It was a game-changer for me. A liberating moment. And so began a journey of reframing the past, re-writing the present, and re-imagining the future. I still didn’t fully connect with the “highly sensitive person” label. It didn’t fit properly. But I knew it held something life-changing within. And I share my journey of discovery with you in this week’s podcast. What Is Sensory Processing Sensitivity? Sensory Processing Sensitivity is a trait found in over 100 species, and makes up a fifth of the human population. Despite misconceptions, high sensitivity is about more than being highly emotional. It plays a cautionary role in evolutionary terms and is systematically baked into humankind as a way to identify and warn of potential risks and sources of harm in the world around us. In the podcast, Bill Allen takes us through Elaine Aron’s DOE(e)S Acronym. Depth of Processing Highly Sensitive People have a deep sensory experience of the world. They take information and grind it down in order to get every bit of data out of it (both consciously and unconsciously). This can sometimes lead to rumination and ‘overthinking’. Studies comparing the brains of HSPs and non-HSPs have found differences in the way people process information and stimulation. Overstimulation Highly Sensitive People usually have an open aperture for picking up sensory data. They let a lot of information in and this can result in overstimulation when they’re out in the world all the time. They require regular downtime to recalibrate before getting back out there again. With a naturally wider aperture, Highly Sensitive People need regular downtime in order to internally recalibrate, process, and re-charge. Empathy Highly Sensitive People have a deep capacity for empathy through highly active mirror neurones. This can influence interactions, as HSPs absorb the moods and feelings of those around them. Emotional Reactivity Highly Sensitive People are more affected and moved by things happening in and around them. They can be more emotionally responsive to both positive and negative stimulation. Sensory Acuity/Subtleties Highly Sensitive People often pick up environmental sensory information that others might not. This ‘nuancing’ ability allows HSPs to find things around them and make connections. This is also a big reason many artists and creative people are highly sensitive. What Sensory Processing Sensitivity is NOT Introversion (30% are extroverts) A Disorder (it is not the same as sensory processing disorder, ADHD, PTSD, or high functioning autism) More common in women (equal numbers of men and women are highly sensitive) Something you can eliminate (it is largely innate) Sensitivity is how responsive our nervous system is to stimulation. It’s a natural reaction to the world’s noise and has been an instrumental survival strategy. Not just for individuals with the trait but as part of the wider social ecosystem of humanity itself. Can We Come Up With a Better Name For High Sensitivity? Conversations about sensitivity often turn to the label itself. A lot of people struggle with the term, “Highly Sensitive Person”. But it’s been very difficult to come up with a satisfactory alternative. For many, it’s because of the word “sensitive”. But I personally struggle with the word, “highly”. It evokes a sense of too-muchness. It makes me think of highly strung or high maintenance people. Those who place a demand on other people to bend to their will. I often refer to it as “deep sensitivity”. While it’s not a perfect term I like how it feels. It communicates the potential rooting, grounding, and rich experience at the core of sensory processing sensitivity. Other people are exploring alternative labels such as Tracy Cooper’s move towards “high sensory intelligence“, sensory attunement, and deep sensory awareness. What resonates with you? I’d love to hear from you about this. Reframing The Story Of Sensitivity When I learned about high sensitivity I spent time processing the stories from my life so far. Understanding things in light of this new lens. It helped me become more aware of what was going on beneath the surface. And I wanted to understand myself better so that I could use the discovery in a positive way. Overwhelmed By Bright Lights, Strong Smells, and Sudden Noises I always struggled with bright fluorescent tube lights. The kind you find in school classrooms, church halls, and industrial kitchens. Those environments leave me exhausted, but I never knew why. Described as Shy or Sensitive By Teachers and Parents All my teachers said I needed to put my hand up more in lessons and contribute to class discussions. I was called shy even when I didn’t feel it. Just because I preferred to keep quiet at times. Silence gets interpreted in a variety of ways; disinterest, a lack of confidence, shyness, disrespect, dislike for the teacher etc. The silence of sensitivity can come from all manner of different places. Startled By Sudden Noises When I was a kid I hated balloons because they might pop, I refused to partake in crackers at Christmas for several years. I spent every fireworks night watching out of the window with my hands over my ears. It is slightly ironic that the only thing I wanted to do when I was a kid was to play the drums. There is a picture of me as a child standing behind my cousin’s drum kit. I had a drumstick in one hand which was happily playing, while I was using my other arm to cover my ears to protect against the noise. I had developed quite the technique. It’s a photo that captures perfectly the frustrations I had growing up with that aspect of my high sensitivity. I loved the idea of making lots of noise but it was loud and uncomfortable, and I ended up having to protect myself…well, from myself. Noticing Life’s Finer Scents Twice I have run after nice smelling people to find out what fragrance they were wearing. I love good scents. On the flip side, my nose is pretty helpful for detecting dangers and mouldy stuff. Performining Tasks Worse Under Observation “It is important not to confuse arousal with fear. Fear creates arousal, but so do many other emotions, including joy, curiosity, or anger. But we can also be over-aroused by semiconscious thoughts or low levels of excitement that create no obvious emotion…stress is closely related to arousal: Our response to stress is to become aroused.” – Elaine Aron (The Highly Sensitive Person) One of the traits of the highly sensitive person is that they become so nervous while competing or being observed performing a task, that they do much worse than they would otherwise. I am much more comfortable when no one is watching. Or at least when I can remove my awareness of someone else watching. When I’m aware of the gaze of others my mind does funny things. It’s Unpleasant to Have a Lot of Things Going on at Once When I have a task to do for someone, or a deadline looming my instinct is to put absolutely everything else on hold until this other thing gets done. The problem is, that there are always ‘urgent things’ that require our ‘immediate’ attention. And if we’re not careful we can spend our entire life responding to trivial, attention-seeking things rather than pro-actively moving the ball down the field. Before we know it we can start to neglect our health, creative projects/ hobbies, and other people. Needing to Withdraw From Overstimulation and Busyness In his book First Things First, Stephen Covey developed a well-known illustration aimed at showing people how to prioritise their time. You take a box of rocks and a bucket of sand (or pebbles). You need to get both the sand (pebbles) and rocks to fit in the same container. If you try putting the rocks on top of the sand they sit above it and eventually topple out. But putting the rocks in first means that the sand (pebbles) can be poured in. They filter into the gaps and wrap around the big rocks. We need to get the big rocks in place. For the highly sensitive person it can be very tempting to say yes to lots of people who we don’t want to displease; to have a huge to-do list and to respond to nothing but the urgent stuff. Deeply Moved By Arts and Music Music is my mother tongue. It’s a language I will never master but it’s one I can never let go. Through music, I can say and feel things I can’t otherwise define. It’s like Flannery O’Connor said: “I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.” I love that. We are all wired with a natural connection to art and everyone carries music in their soul. Where words stop and languages cease, art lives on. It is the fully static, yet ever-changing transcendent truth at the heart of the human experience. Other Peoples’ Moods Affect You In her book The Introvert Advantage, Marti Olsen Laney says highly sensitive people: “are born with a certain cluster of traits that are often described as a sixth sense. They are extremely perceptive, intuitive, and observant, with finer discrimination than most of us. They may stay away from social engagements because they dread the agonising flooding of their senses.” I often know what other people are thinking before they say it out loud. And I absorb the emotion and moods of people around me. It can be exhausting or exhilarating, depending on who those people are. Conclusions We don’t use labels like “highly sensitive person” to build some kind of exclusive club. Labels are valuable when they help us raise awareness about how we operate so we can better understand who we are. This means we can choose how to approach things that matter to us in the most effective way. Individuation and Deep Sensitivity Elaine Aron says she sees each life “as an individuation process, one of discovering the particular question you were put on earth to answer”. “No creator is ever satisfied with what he has done…indeed, the works of an artist are the outward and visible signs of his inner development as a person.” – Anthony Storr This is a resonant idea. The work never ends. We never get there. But then that’s the point. The questions that won’t leave us alone give rise to our creative expression as we attempt to respond to them in different ways. Never quite grasping it fully.   Research and The Future For Sensory Processing Sensitivity The body of research into sensory processing sensitivity is growing all the time. They regularly update SensitivityResearch.com so we can keep up to date with what’s being discovered about the trait. It might be fanciful dreaming, but I hope that these conversations become part of everyday conversations in the near future.  As a world, we need to embrace the joy of sensitivity. Not as something that belongs to a particular community of people, but as something that infuses the big picture. At the start of The Highly Sensitive Person, Elain Aron quotes E.M. Forster… “I believe in aristocracy, though – if that is the right word, and if a democrat may use it. Not an aristocracy of power…but of the sensitive, the considerate. Its members are to be found in all nations and classes and all through the ages, and there is a secret understanding between them when they meet. They represent the true human tradition, the one permanent victory of our queer race over cruelty and chaos. Thousands of them perish in obscurity, a few are great names. They are sensitive for others as well as themselves, they are considerate without being fussy, their pluck is not swankiness but the power to endure.” – E.M. Forster (From “What I Believe”)

You don’t have to look far to see people acting in mean and selfish ways. Is this because people themselves are fundamentally mean and selfish or is there more to it than that? And is there anything WE can do to make conditions for kinder modes of human behaviour and engagement? We will always encounter rudeness in other people. It’s an inevitable part of life. But these people can have a big impact on our health and confidence. So what can we do about them? This episode explores two core ideas: How to build a practice of creative gentleness How to build gentleness into a creative practice We’ve got to think about both sides of this if we want to build a life of creative flow. Episode Contents Who Are These Mean and Selfish People? Our Place in a Mean and Selfish World Hold Gently Within Our Encounters The Hold of Past Guilt Wastewater and The Creativity Faucet The Stoic Response to Mean and Selfish People But is Kindness Really The Best Response To Cruel or Thoughtless Actions? Play and Your Inner-Child: Is It Time To Grow Up? When Self-Doubt Fuels The Questions We Ask You Don’t Need to Feel Like “A Creative” in Order to Live a Creative Life There are No Wrong Answers When Practising Play Embracing The Comfort and Joy of Failure Conclusion: Humiliation is Never a Productive Option Who Are These Mean and Selfish People? “It’s a fact of life that we will encounter rude people. It happens every day. People cut in line. They speak to other people like they are a piece of s**t. People lie and take credit for your work. Not only will this happen, but many times there will be no consequences for this.” The Daily Stoic It’s without a doubt tempting to label people as mean and selfish. It feels obvious that some people are that way by nature. So we engage with them accordingly. When we use these kinds of words we then treat other people as if that’s who they are. But this is a symptom of a fixed mindset. And it provides little wiggle room for the story to change. Our Place in a Mean and Selfish World We tell ourselves a story about the way things “should” and “shouldn’t” be. And how other people should be. It’s tempting to get caught in the spirit of the world around us. As such we might permit and even contribute to conditions that give rise to the kind of selfishness and meanness we want to get rid of. The rebellion of gentleness is about shifting our stories of shame. Including the stories we tell about who we are, as well as the shame we bestow upon other people.   Hold Gently Within Our Encounters This article from the Daily Stoic says about mean and selfish people, “they’ll have to wait in line less than you. They might get promoted ahead of you after taking credit for that work. And when we see this, we are tempted to respond in a couple of ways: Get angry. Resent it. Use it as an excuse Begin to plot our revenge. None of these reactions are Stoic. But more important, none of these reactions reduce rude behaviour in the world either.” When we grip them too tight, the words and actions of others can consume us. And we can end up creating more of what we don’t want in the process. How might we increase the space around the holes, corners, and cul de sacs we can ALL end up stuck in? It can be fun to corner people who say and do things we really hate. But when we do this things can become more violent and destructive. Especially if they have to fight their way out of such a corner. This creates the conditions for a future that is not good for any of us. The Hold of Past Guilt Most of us are haunted by times we didn’t do as much as we could have. Maybe we walked past someone in need because we were too busy or we made an excuse to avoid helping out. Some of these moments stick with us. They might even wake us up at night. These choices can stay with us and make us feel ashamed. But cruelty and callousness in actions we have taken don’t make us cruel and callous people at our core. And the same goes for other people. Wastewater and The Creativity Faucet Julian Shapiro wrote about a mental model called the Creativity Faucet. It’s a way to visualise the process of generating good creative ideas. Creativity is like a backed-up pipe of water. The first mile of piping is packed with wastewater. This must be emptied before we get to the clear water. Shapiro suggests that many of us struggle to get past our wastewater. He says, “if you’ve opened a blank document, scribbled a few thoughts, then walked away because you weren’t struck with gold, then you too didn’t get past it”. This image speaks to the practice of gentleness too. We can always reach cleaner, healthier, and life-giving ways of responding to the world’s wastewater. But it’s not always the first stuff to appear when we turn on the tap.   The Stoic Response to Mean and Selfish People “Kindness is invincible, but only when it’s sincere, with no hypocrisy or faking. For what can even the most malicious person do if you keep showing kindness and, if given the chance, you gently point out where they went wrong— right as they are trying to harm you?” — Marcus Aurelius But is Kindness Really The Best Response To Cruel or Thoughtless Actions? Kindness might sound passive and weak. But what if, rather than rewarding malice and cruelty, it could actually be a source of accountability? The word “kind” comes from kyndnes. It means nation. Kin refers to family ties. So to treat someone with kindness is to be one of a kind WITH them. We are not in separate spaces. To be kind is to respect their right to belong, and to accept them as part of the whole. Not to humiliate, shame, or shun.   Play and Your Inner-Child: Is It Time To Grow Up? “It takes a very long time to become young” – Picasso Inner child and inner critic: a battle for creativity (From NessLabs.com) I love seeing people wake up to their own creative spirit. It’s a beautiful thing when people rediscover the spark they had as a child. Contrary to being something we should grow out of, play something we need to grow INTO. We collect all sorts of stories as we grow up, and it takes a long time to let ourselves become young again. When Self-Doubt Fuels The Questions We Ask According to Anne-Laure Le Cunff, being young is about being curious. Children ask heaps of questions. But as we get older we conform to society’s focus on speed as a key performance measurement. We prioritise efficiency and productivity over the meaning and deep enjoyment we find along the way. The only questions we DO still ask are fuelled by self-doubt and insecurity. In particular, is this right? As well as, is my work good enough? And, what will people think of this? The inner critic wants us to conform not create. It follows the formula laid down by society, which drives us to find the ‘correct’ answer. Perhaps this is why we get stuck when the tap doesn’t yield creative ideas as soon as we turn it on. But we can change the kind of questions we ask. And when we reconnect with our inner child, we can turn our inner critic into an inner coach. You Don’t Need to Feel Like “A Creative” in Order to Live a Creative Life We don’t have to believe we are creative in order to live creatively. We just need to ask interesting questions from a place of genuine curiosity. When it comes to bringing more gentleness into the world, it starts with a vision of what such a world might look like to us. Describe it, set the scene, and define what would be going on in that future reality. What is true in that place? What is NO LONGER true in that place? There are No Wrong Answers When Practising Play “Playfulness is, in part, an openness to being a fool, which is a combination of not worrying about competence, not being self-important, not taking norms as sacred and finding ambiguity and double edges a source of wisdom and delight”. – Maria Lugones Playfulness is like a shock absorber. It helps us to exist beneath the weight of the world’s pressure and expectations. It gently reminds us that we are ALL fools deep down. We are ALL outsiders. Embracing The Comfort and Joy of Failure I hosted a workshop in The Haven Courtyard where we examined the creativity faucet. We did an exercise which had failure baked into it. The point of the session was to get more comfortable with not having all the answers. And to enjoy failing as part of the play. In a world of binary boxes, it feels scary to risk getting things wrong. But if we don’t feel safe getting things wrong, we don’t have the conditions for creativity to grow. What if we could not only tolerate but actually find ways to enjoy our failures? If we can do this we can choose how we want to respond to all kinds of mean and selfish words and actions. Conclusion: Humiliation is Never a Productive Option It’s tempting to react to mean and selfish people by seeking power over them. Be it intellectual or physical dominance. But when people are backed into corners they lash out. They fight back. And they look for a way out of the hole they’re in. As justifiable as it may feel, humiliation can not be the recipe for a better world. Conversely, it just makes things worse. It’s time to change the scripts that we follow. So how do we get out of our own way and make room for new stories of gentleness to emerge through the gaps?

I’ve always been moved by music, literature, and film that some people dismiss as “depressing”. But bittersweet art brings the world to life – and if we allow it to speak to us it can be a source of comfort. If you’re drawn to “sad” music you’re not alone. In this week’s podcast, I unpack what Susan Cain describes as bittersweet melancholy, and ask what is it about “sad songs and rainy days” that moves so many people. It’s no accident that human beings have always found ways to navigate life’s bittersweet edges through our creativity. But why? Even as a child, I enjoyed revisiting art that had previously made me cry. I knew the risk, but was drawn to the yearning ache I felt so deeply. It’s a fascination that has always been there for me. As a maker and consumer of the arts. To be moved is to feel alive. It’s to become aware of the weight – and significance – of life as a fleeting gift. Episode contents Bittersweet Longing What Does Yearning Feel Like? Fleeting Moments of Bittersweet Beauty The Snowman Will Melt Why We Love “Sad” Music Bittersweet Art Doesn’t Create Emotion Are You Homesick and Yearning For A Place That Doesn’t Exist? Anemoia, Vellichor, and Mono No Aware We Don’t Want What We Think We Want The Inconsolable Longing For We Know Not What Our Life’s Work and Creative Offering “The Sunset” at Wilpena Pound in South Australia Bittersweet Longing Longing is a beautiful word that fills the space in between life’s lines. It keeps us moving and yearning with grief for the world around us. We long for the things we have but can’t fully grasp. We long for the things we don’t yet have but dream to possess. And we long for the things we once had but lost. Art is an expression of such longing. It comes from that place within its creator. A painting, song, or poem, is always an attempt to express the ungraspable. We can dance with such things, but we can never fully conjure or define the object we long for. We might get close but we will never quite articulate what we long to say. There is always something missing. It’s this gap that brings us back. Creating, listening, watching. Observing and honing our craft. It’s a liberating frustration or perhaps a frustrating liberation. What Does Yearning Feel Like? Yearning is a particular type of longing. I like to think of it as a beautiful ache to hold something that is impossible to fully grasp. To yearn is to be aware that we can never acquire the missing thing even if the thing is in our hands. I remember yearning – during the experience – for a sunset. I was in the Australian outback and it blew my mind. But while I was able to deeply appreciate what I saw, I could also feel something unusual happening inside me. An emotion I can only describe as yearning, that was underpinned by the fleeting nature of the moment. I wanted to capture, consume, bottle, have this experience. But it wasn’t mine to possess. And what’s more, its value CAME from its scarcity. I wonder if yearning happens when we connect to things – memories, people, art – we want to possess but can’t. Fleeting Moments of Bittersweet Beauty Have you ever witnessed something so beautiful it was painful? Do you recognise what it means to yearn in this way? This is the “bittersweet” that Susan Cain talks about. It’s inside the bitter that the sweet belongs. They are not two sides of a coin. They are an interweaving web that cannot be seperated. The things that matter are not precious despite their fragility. They are important BECAUSE they are fragile. The Snowman Will Melt I was five or six when I first watched The Snowman. In case you don’t know, it is a notoriously heartwrenching short animated film that is shown every Christmas in the UK. When it finished I didn’t know what had hit me. And my parents wondered about the damage they had done. But the following Christmas I wanted to watch it again. Despite THEIR protestations I convinced them to pop it on. Remember last time? Yes. What if the same happens again this year? I remembered how it felt. I hadn’t forgotten the pain and the tears. And yet something in me wanted to re-live the experience. The same did happen. Of course it did. And I was relieved. It hurt so good. Why We Love “Sad” Music Susan Cain describes “bittersweet” as longing, poignancy, and joyful sorrow. It’s not just a feeling. It’s wrapped in the awareness of time passing. . The English language fails to capture the essential emotions that music creates. We describe songs as “happy” and “sad”. We don’t mean it but that’s all we have. I think terms like bittersweet, yearning, melancholic, longing, poignant, and moving, are better. But there’s still a way to go. Bittersweet Art Doesn’t Create Emotion Everybody Hurts by REM was voted “the saddest song of all time” in a 2022 survey of music lovers conducted by OnePoll. When your day is longAnd the night, the night is yours aloneWhen you’re sure you’ve had enoughOf this life, well hang onDon’t let yourself go‘Cause everybody criesEverybody hurts sometimesSometimes everything is wrong – Everybody Hurts (REM) It’s a reassuring, comforting, and compassionate lullaby. The lyrics speak a simple and universal truth that we can all identify with. It’s moving, it’s emotional, and it might jerks tears. Not because it’s sad, but rather because it’s safe. It speaks to the human condition and the experience of life. EVERYBODY hurts sometimes, regardless of who you are, where you’re from, or what you have. It’s an emotionally cleansing experience. Art is moving when it gives expression to something inside us. If you’ve ever felt stirred by music you’ll know how it gives our feelings somewhere to find form. What if “sad” songs don’t really MAKE us feel sad, but rather they ALLOW us to feel the messy mix of emotions that need to be processed? Are You Homesick and Yearning For A Place That Doesn’t Exist? A lot of people have felt a homesickness for somewhere they’ve never been. Perhaps even a place or time that doesn’t exist. Many philosophical and religious traditions talk about the pain of separation. This underpins human subjectivity, where we experience a feeling of exile and a deep desire to get home. This drive has given rise to the most wonderful human accomplishments, discoveries, and artistic creations. As well as some of the more dreadful, violent, and destructive projects. At its worst, we seek to overcome the pain of separation with utopian scapegoating (things will be pure when we eradicate a group or idea). At its best, we embrace and channel our homesickness into creative endeavours that speak of our shared yearning as a species. Anemoia, Vellichor, and Mono No Aware Anemoia, Vellichor, and Mono no aware are all familiar. Like art, they are words that help connect with something we feel but maybe struggle to articulate. We Don’t Want What We Think We Want Toxic positivity is a problem in modern culture. It’s a symptom of what Susan Cain calls our fear of the dark. We think we want to eradicate the pain, but what we need is to accept and integrate it. Our favourite stories show us how pain, longing, joy, and meaning are all intimately connected. And our deep yearning is often “the reason we play moonlight sonatas and build rockets to Mars”. The Magic Happens In The Gap Waiting is not just good for us. It is necessary for true enjoyment to occur. It’s the space between the notes that give music meaning. It’s the space around the page that give words their definition. When Twin Peaks: The Return was released in 2017, it was the most painfully beautiful experience for me. With one episode per week between May and September, it went against the new norm of binge consumption that had developed over the previous five or six years. There was a beautiful pain in longing to know what happened next. A yearning for completion alongside the joy of not knowing. It’s the same pain as not yet knowing who the killer is in a murder mystery. And not knowing how a magic trick is done. It gives rise to a painful yearning. A desperate desire to know. But the discovery never truly fills the hole. It never makes us whole. Because the joy is in not knowing. And that kind of joy is impossible to bottle. The Inconsolable Longing For We Know Not What The object we desire might give a moment’s satisfaction but it won’t complete us. And that’s OK. Because life is all about making peace with the gap between the lines, the silence between the notes, and the space between the brush strokes. Our Life’s Work and Creative Offering We often use objects, people, labels, events, relationships, and other peoples’ creative work as surrogates for our own question of longing. Our life’s work begins to grow once we identify where we have offset our personal longing into external things. “Whatever pain you can’t get rid of, make it your creative offering” What if “we transcend grief only when we realize how connected we are with all the other humans who struggle to transcend theirs?” The creative offering that emerges not despite the pain, but THROUGH it.