Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

Have you ever walked away from a conversation thinking you totally bombed it—only to find out later that the other person actually liked you? This “liking gap” is more common than you think, especially in kids. In this Doctor’s Desk episode, Justin and Kylie explore fascinating new research about why we often underestimate how much others enjoy our company. They share insights from a large study on self-esteem, anxiety, and likability, and unpack what it all means for our children and their friendships. Plus, a personal story about Kylie’s first meeting with Justin’s mum that perfectly illustrates how wrong our first impressions can be. KEY POINTS: The liking gap is the psychological tendency to believe others like us less than they actually do. Low self-esteem and high social anxiety can amplify this gap, especially in children and teens. Real-world data shows most people are more accepted and liked than they realise. Kylie shares a vulnerable story about feeling disliked by Justin’s mum—which turned out to be the opposite of the truth. Kids need to feel safe, heard, and valued in their interactions to close the liking gap. Teaching children to focus on quality interaction over perceived popularity helps reduce relational anxiety. QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:“Your child walks away from interactions feeling like they’ve bombed—when in reality, they’ve probably scored and they don’t even know it.” RESOURCES MENTIONED: Study by Sugani, Sarah et al. at the University of Toronto on self-esteem, anxiety, and the liking gap Misconnection by Dr. Justin Coulson – insights from teenage girls on friendships Visit happyfamilies.com.au for additional resources ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS: Normalise the Liking Gap: Help your child understand that it's common to underestimate how much others like us. Boost Their Confidence: Support self-esteem by validating their feelings and encouraging their voice at home. Assume Positive Intent: Teach your kids to give others the benefit of the doubt rather than jumping to negative conclusions. Shift the Focus: Encourage your children to concentrate on meaningful interactions rather than worrying about how they're perceived. Model Vulnerability: Share your own stories of mistaken assumptions about being liked to show they're not alone. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Some kids thrive anywhere. Others need more care to flourish. In this episode, Justin and Kylie Coulson explore the powerful metaphor of “dandelion and orchid” children—an idea shared by clinical psychologist Dr. Jamie Northam. They discuss how different temperaments impact mental health, why parenting must be tailored, and how to know when your child might need additional support. KEY POINTS: Dandelions are resilient children who thrive in most environments; orchids are more sensitive and require specific conditions to grow well. Evidence-based parenting strategies should be adaptable—not one-size-fits-all. Be cautious of advice from social media; always ask: Is there evidence? Are there clear steps? Does this suit my child? The “Three D’s” of mental health concern: Distress, Dysfunction, and Deviation from developmental norms. Good parenting meets a child where they are—not where we wish they were. QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:“Parenting isn’t one-size-fits-all—what works for one child may fail completely with another.” RESOURCES MENTIONED: Full interview with Dr. Jamie Northam (airing Saturday) happyfamilies.com.au for evidence-based parenting resources ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS: Reflect on your child’s temperament—are they a dandelion or an orchid? Before following parenting advice, check if it's evidence-based, clearly explained, and appropriate for your child. Watch for the “Three D’s”: distress, dysfunction, and deviation from expected development. Adapt your parenting approach based on each child’s needs—not just what worked in the past. If concerned, seek professional support early—mental health matters at every age. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

In this episode of the Happy Families Podcast, Justin and Kylie tackle a tricky parenting dilemma: how to support your adult child without damaging the relationship. Responding to a listener's concern about her 20-year-old daughter's social media presence, they explore the importance of autonomy, the dangers of forceful guidance, and how parents can remain a supportive influence while respecting boundaries. KEY POINTS: Adult children crave autonomy; unsolicited advice often creates resistance. Connection, not correction, is the key to long-term influence. Dropping the parental agenda fosters openness and trust. Seek consent before offering advice to show respect and preserve the relationship. Employers do check social media – nearly 70% of them, according to the Harvard Business Review. When you share concerns respectfully, you plant seeds that may grow later. QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:“Our kids, especially our young adults, want autonomy more than anything – it’s like oxygen to them.” RESOURCES MENTIONED: Harvard Business Review statistic: ~70% of employers check candidates’ social media. Happy Families Podcast – Submit tricky questions via happyfamilies.com.au/podcast ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS: Let go of the agenda – Accept that your adult child will make their own choices. Prioritise connection – Build trust through presence, interest, and nonjudgmental conversation. Ask for permission – Before giving advice, say: “Would you be open to hearing a thought I have?” Share perspective, not prescriptions – Offer insights gently and leave space for reflection. Respect autonomy – Even when it’s hard, show you trust their ability to learn from experience. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

In this heartfelt episode of the Happy Families Podcast, Justin and Kylie take a nostalgic look back at the parenting moments that once felt overwhelming — but now feel deeply missed. From sleepless nights to endless toddler questions, they reflect on the beauty hidden in the chaos of raising young children, and why it’s so important to soak up the season you’re in. KEY POINTS: Parents often miss the toddler years despite how exhausting and chaotic they were. Moments that once drove us crazy — bedtime routines, 3am wakeups, tantrums — are now fond memories. The constant questions from curious toddlers were a sign of trust and connection. Parenting in the early years was hard, but it was also a time of deep attachment and presence. There’s a growing challenge in maintaining community and “the village” that helps raise a child. Slowing down and being present in the moment is easier said than done — but always worth it. QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:"I wish I loved it more when I was in it, but I just didn’t have the perspective." RESOURCES MENTIONED: HappyFamilies.com.au – for more parenting resources. You can read all of the comments on that Facebook post here. ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS: Take a moment today to pause and notice something beautiful in the chaos — even if it’s hard. Write down a memory from a tough stage of parenting that now makes you smile. Reach out to someone in your parenting village — connection makes the hard moments easier. Give yourself grace: you won’t always love every moment, but being present matters more than being perfect. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

We sit down with world-renowned author and speaker Alfie Kohn to explore why traditional discipline methods—punishments and rewards—don’t truly work. We unpack how control-based parenting backfires, what the research says about intrinsic motivation, and how parents can move from “doing things to children” to “working with children” to foster true moral development and connection. KEY POINTS: Punishment teaches power, not morality—it damages relationships and promotes self-interest over empathy. Rewards, including praise and star charts, undermine intrinsic motivation and long-term growth. Both punishments and rewards focus on short-term compliance at the cost of deeper learning and ethical development. Real change happens when parents collaborate with children, exploring problems and empowering kids to find solutions. Effective parenting means questioning whether our expectations are reasonable and focusing on trust and respect. QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:“All rewards are just sugar-coated control.” RESOURCES MENTIONED: Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn Happy Families resources – happyfamilies.com.au ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS: Shift from control to collaboration—work with your child to solve problems, rather than doing things to them. Question your assumptions—ask yourself whether your expectations are developmentally appropriate and reasonable. Talk less, ask more—engage your child in reflective conversations about their choices and experiences. Move beyond rewards and punishments—focus on building intrinsic motivation by nurturing autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Stay patient—working with children takes more effort initially but leads to deeper, lasting change and stronger relationships. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Three powerful takeaways from our Easter holidays—lessons about mindset, risk, and meaningful connection. From a life-changing mindset shift at the Easter Show to a serious accident that reinforced the importance of risky play, plus a week without screens that revealed what kids really crave, this episode is packed with insight and inspiration for every parent. KEY POINTS: Mindset shapes experience: The same event can feel completely different when approached with a different attitude and realistic expectations. Risky play matters: Children need opportunities to push boundaries and take risks—it builds resilience, courage, and learning, even when things go wrong. Time is everything: What kids really want from us isn’t perfection—it’s time. Unplugging from screens and slowing down creates space for meaningful reflection and connection. QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:“What our kids actually want and need… is just time.” RESOURCES MENTIONED: Explore–Explain–Empower framework (Justin Coulson) happyfamilies.com.au ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS: Check your mindset before heading into family events—set realistic expectations and choose connection over control. Encourage age-appropriate risk-taking (e.g., climbing trees, riding bikes)—it builds confidence and independence. Unplug regularly—create time and space for quiet reflection and intentional connection with your children. Give each child individual attention—consider what they uniquely need from you right now. Practice being present—ditch the schedule and just be with your kids, without distraction. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Is it true that women speak far more than men—or is that just a stereotype? In this playful but thoughtful episode, Justin and Kylie Coulson unpack the latest research on gender and communication, challenge outdated myths, and explore what it means for raising connected, considerate kids. Plus, practical strategies for parents dealing with the infamous teenage grunt! KEY POINTS: Early studies suggested significant differences in the number of words men and women use daily—but newer research shows the gap is much smaller. Adult women speak slightly more than men (around 1,400 extra words per day), but the difference is not dramatic. Among adolescents and young adults, differences in word count are minimal. In older adults (65+), men actually speak more than women. Communication is essential to human connection and should be modelled intentionally in families. Parents should teach teens to communicate considerately, even when they prefer silence. QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:“To be human is to communicate.” RESOURCES MENTIONED: Research study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray (mentioned critically) Happy Families website – happyfamilies.com.au ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS: Model open and frequent communication—let your kids see healthy conversation at home. Teach empathy and consideration—encourage kids to respond kindly, even when they don't feel like talking. Invite teens into connection without pressure—engage them in activities like walks, drives, or casual outings. Normalise different communication styles—some kids need space; respect that while keeping the door open. Dump the old stereotypes—focus on building genuine, respectful communication, not fitting into outdated gender norms. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What if both punishments and rewards were doing more harm than good? In this thought-provoking episode, Dr. Justin and Kylie Coulson preview a powerful interview with renowned author and social critic Alfie Kohn, whose work challenges everything we thought we knew about behavior, discipline, and motivation. Discover why traditional approaches to parenting might be undermining your child’s moral development—and what to do instead. QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:"Punishment teaches power. It undermines the possibility of moral growth in children." — Alfie Kohn KEY INSIGHTS FOR PARENTS: Punishments Breed Self-Interest: When children are punished, they focus inward on avoiding pain, not outward on the consequences of their actions for others. Rewards Are the Flip Side of Punishments: Offering incentives fosters compliance, not character—and undermines intrinsic motivation. Consequences ≠ Learning: Just because something causes suffering doesn’t mean it leads to meaningful growth or moral insight. Transactional Parenting Limits Growth: Using "if-then" tactics (do this, get that) stifles empathy and moral reasoning. What We Really Want: Kids who do the right thing because it’s right, not because of fear or bribery. RESOURCES MENTIONED: Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn Full interview with Alfie Kohn (airing Saturday on the Happy Families Podcast) Website: happyfamilies.com.au ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS: Reflect on Your Approach: Ask yourself—am I raising a rule follower or a morally grounded child? Minimise External Motivators: Reduce the use of punishments and rewards in everyday parenting. Focus on Conversations: Engage your child in discussions about values, empathy, and the impact of their actions. Model Moral Reasoning: Let your children see you making decisions based on principles, not payoffs. Tune in Saturday: Don’t miss the full conversation with Alfie Kohn for more transformative ideas. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What do you do when your teen pushes back on your tech boundaries—especially when they paid for the device themselves? In this episode, Dr. Justin and Kylie Coulson tackle two parent questions about teenage independence, screen use, and safety. They offer a practical, relationship-first strategy for navigating the tension between adolescent autonomy and parental responsibility, using their tried-and-tested "Three E's" framework to build connection and cooperation. QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:"Rules without relationship will lead to rebellion." KEY INSIGHTS FOR PARENTS: Adolescents Seek Autonomy: Teens paying for their own devices often feel ownership equals full control—parents must acknowledge this growing independence. Confiscation Isn’t the Answer: Power-based strategies (like taking away devices) often fuel resistance and damage relationships. Use the Three E's: Explore, Explain, Empower is a proven method for having meaningful, collaborative conversations with teens. Set the Stage for Success: Food, comfort, and a non-threatening tone can make hard conversations easier and more productive. Trust Takes Time: Teens may resist at first, but consistency, humility, and genuine listening will eventually build mutual trust. RESOURCES MENTIONED: The Three E's of Effective Discipline framework by Dr. Justin Coulson Happy Families Podcast submission form: happyfamilies.com.au ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS: Create a Connection-First Environment: Use food or small comforts to set a positive tone before difficult conversations. Explore: Invite your teen to share their views. Reflect back what they say without judgment. Explain: Briefly share your concerns around things like sleep, safety, and relationships. Empower: Ask your teen to come up with solutions. Collaborate to find common ground that feels fair for both sides. Stay Consistent and Patient: If the first conversation doesn’t go well, try again. Building trust is a long game—but it's worth it. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Justin and Kylie reflect on a broken promise many families made during COVID — to never return to the rushed, overscheduled lives we previously lived. They explore the concept of "Hurried Child Syndrome," first introduced by Dr. David Elkind, and discuss the troubling impacts of pushing children to grow up too fast. With honesty and humor, they offer practical insights and three powerful strategies to help families slow down and reclaim childhood. QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:"The number one way to unhurry childhood is to literally slow it down so the kids can be playing — especially with other kids, especially in unstructured activities." KEY INSIGHTS FOR PARENTS: Hurried Childhood Defined: Accelerated academics, overscheduling, early exposure to adult issues, and perfectionist pressures can rob children of their childhood. Mental Health Impact: Being hurried can lead to anxiety, depression, low resilience, and feelings of unworthiness. The Competitive Parenting Trap: Fear of children falling behind — academically or socially — often drives overscheduling. Unstructured Play is Crucial: It builds cognitive, social, and emotional development and is one of the best antidotes to a hurried life. Support, Don’t Script, Their Dreams: Children thrive when they pursue self-determined goals — not the aspirations imposed by well-meaning parents. Balance is Everything: A well-paced schedule with space for rest and connection supports wellbeing for both kids and parents. RESOURCES MENTIONED: Dr. David Elkind's research on Hurried Child Syndrome Interview with Olympic swimmer Emma McKeon (available on a previous Happy Families Podcast episode) The book “Parental Guidance” (referenced in Season 1) ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS: Prioritise Play: Make time for unstructured, child-led play — ideally with other children and without adult direction. Let Kids Lead: Encourage your children to set their own goals based on their passions and strengths. Create a Balanced Schedule: Limit extracurriculars and protect time for rest, relationships, and real connection. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.