Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

Dr. Fuschia Sirois, expert on procrastination, discusses the different types and prevalence of procrastination. They explore the link between emotional states and procrastination, as well as tools for managing procrastination as a parent. The role of forgiveness and self-compassion in addressing procrastination is also explored, along with the concept of visualizing your future self. The podcast ends with a discussion on helping children overcome procrastination and model healthy emotion regulation.

Liann did not have an easy entry into motherhood.  Her first child’s birth was pretty traumatic; it was followed by a miscarriage and then very quickly by another pregnancy.   And then by COVID.   She was already overwhelmed and then everyone was isolated…and suddenly Liann had a whole lot of anger that she hadn’t seen before.  She didn’t think things could be more difficult than they were in the immediate postpartum period…and then they were.   Her toddler, Hewitt, resented the new baby: Liann would be sitting on the couch nursing the baby and Hewitt is rolling on the floor shouting “NO BABY!  NO BABY!”   Transitions weren’t a problem before, but now they couldn’t make it out the door to go anywhere.   Liann doesn’t deny that she was looking for a quick fix.  She wanted Hewitt’s difficult behavior to stop, so she could stop feeling so freaking angry.   She listened to a few of my podcast episodes and realized that she had no self-compassion.  She saw that she could be compassionate toward other people in her life, but she was unable to extend that compassion to herself (and I know she’s not alone here: this is incredibly common among the parents I work with).  Every time one of her children had a meltdown it felt like a personal attack on her worth as a person.   It wasn’t a linear path for Liann to see things differently; she initially doubted that the new tools she was learning would be useful.  She was out on a hike with them when they started whining and she realized they were tired and hungry…and so was she…but how did that help?     Then she started to believe that things could be different; that there could be another way.   She stopped taking everything so personally, which created space for her to be able to see what her children were asking for, instead of seeing their expression of needs as an attack on her for not having anticipated and met them already.   And she also started to understand her own needs, and how she could meet these in ways that might seem unconventional, and that wouldn’t work for everyone, but they worked for her.  And that’s the important thing: it doesn’t matter whether the solution they came up with would work for anyone else, just like the solutions that will work for you and your child might not work for anyone else.  What matters is that they work for the two of you.   Hear what the solution was that worked for Liann and her son after he’d been demanding that she put him to bed and nobody else - as well as how she’s learned to ask for and accept help from friends, and how she’s no longer fazed by a baby who has covered every inch of themselves and their crib with poop.   Liann experienced a number of non-cognitive shifts as she went through the Taming Your Triggers workshop, which is where you don’t just believe something different to be true in your head, but that you take it on in your entire body as well.  At that point you no longer have to constantly remind yourself about what you’re supposed to do in difficult moments, because the knowledge isn’t just in your head - it’s in your body as well.  Then it becomes part of the fabric of how you live your life with your child.   We can’t know when and how these will happen, but I will say that almost everyone I’ve seen really apply themselves in the workshop does experience a non-cognitive shift of some kind, and it isn’t always what they were expecting it to be about, but it does help them to see things in a different way, which opens up space for them to meet their child’s needs and their own needs as well.   Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,   the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.   Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.   Join the waitlist and we'll let you know when doors reopen. Click the banner to learn more!     Jump to highlights 02:21 Getting to know Liann's family dynamic 04:08 The difficulties Liann experienced in her early journey as a parent, including postpartum depression 05:32 Liann felt overwhelmed by his son's constant expression of "big feelings" 06:32 What inspired Liann to sign up for the Taming Your Triggers workshop after listening to Jen’s podcast episode entitled "Patriarchy is Perpetuated Through Parenting" 10:52 Lian's explorations into learning her family's needs and her own needs 15:12 Ways Lian started to see her needs as equally as important as her child's needs 16:10 The process that Lian and her partner used to overcome their son's difficulties with bedtime 19:49 Our child learns that we all have the right to set boundaries about what feels right to us and that they have the right to do that too 21:51 By being honest with herself, Lian was able to show self-compassion towards her sister during a difficult situation 25:33 The positive impact of the community on Lian and her family 30:03 Liann felt her need wasn’t important because of the White supremacy that showed up in her family of origin 33:03 The practices that Lian does to break the cycle of White supremacy in her family 38:42 How non-cognitive shift can help us progress in any work we do 41:15 The funny poop story of Liann’s child, and her response at that moment which she hadn’t seen in herself before 45:32 Big shift that Liann manifests when her need for rest is met

I know it can be really difficult to navigate all the events happening in the world today.  It seems like things are falling apart, with wars, climate change-caused drought and wildfires in some areas and flooding in others, with hunger not following far behind.  And things aren’t any better on the political front either.   When difficult things happen out there in the world, they spill over into our relationships with our children.  We suddenly find ourselves snapping at them far more easily than usual.  The things they do that are normally mildly irritating now push us to the limit, and we end up reacting to them in ways that we don’t like.     In this episode we discuss the reasons why you feel emotionally yanked around by things that are happening out there in the wider world, as well as by the ways these things are discussed online and in our families as well.     We look at the tools you can use to regulate your emotions when this happens…but also that regulating your emotions and then voting to express your feelings about how the world should be isn’t going to make a meaningful difference.  We learn tools you can use instead to create a sense of autonomy, which reduces stress and also change the circumstances themselves so they are less triggering in the future.   If you know you need support with your triggered feelings, whether these are related to: Events that are going in in the wider worldSeeing discussion of those events online or hearing about them from family members or friendsTraumatic events that you experienced in your childhoodEvents in your childhood that you don’t think of as traumatic, and yet left marks on youDifficulties you’re having now   Join the waitlist and we'll let you know when doors reopen. Click the banner to learn more!     Other episodes mentioned: No Self, No ProblemMutual Aid   Jump to highlights 00:08 Societal factors that make us feel triggered 03:15 The Yerkes-Dodson law describes the empirical relationship between stress and performance 04:53 Broadhurst’s research has made it possible to see stress as a positive thing 07:12 A moderate amount of stress, time pressure and role conflict can all enhance your creativity 09:09 How feeling triggered is connected to our trauma in the past 11:50 Techniques to cope with stress when triggered by a trauma 12:50 What will you get out of the Taming Your Triggers workshop 13:25 Our brains spend a good deal of the time telling stories about what's happening to us 16:09 Why do we create new threats in our brain 18:49 Why dealing with our child's emotions can be difficult enough when we are completely present and capable 21:34 The value of mindfulness in dealing with an oppressive society 22:27 How Mutual Aid group work for people who need help with the system 24:26 Ways we can work together with others to bring the changes we want to see 27:35 The small wins of the Gay Rights Movement 33:22 The success story of two parents in the Taming Your Triggers community who help each other on their healing journey 36:27 Invitation to join the Taming Your Triggers workshop   References Broadhurst, P.L. (1957). Emotionality and the Yerkes-Dodson Law. Journal of Experimental Psychology 54(5), 345-352.  Byron, K., Khazanchi, S., & Nazarian, D. (2010). The relationship between stressors and creativity: A meta-analysis examining competing theoretical models. Journal of Applied Psychology 95(1), 201-212. Cole, L. W. (1911). The relation of strength of stimulus to rate of learning in the chick. Journal of Animal Behavior, 1(2), 111. Corbett, M. (2015). From law to folklore: Work stress and the Yerkes-Dodson Law. Journal of Managerial Psychology 30(6), 741-752. Corbett, M. (2013). Cold comfort firm: Lean organization and the empirical mirage of the comfort zone. Culture and Organization 19(5), 413-429. Dodson, J. D. (1915). The relation of strength of stimulus to rapidity of habit-formation in the kitten. Journal of Animal Behavior, 5(4), 330. U.S. Department of Justice (2016). Five things about violence against American Indian and Alaska Native women and men. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.ojp.gov/pdffiles1/nij/249815.pdf Weick, K.E. (1984). Small wins: Redefining the scale of social problems. American Psychologist 39(1), 40-49. Yerkes, R.M., & Dodson, J.D. (1908). The relation of strength of stimulus to rapidity of habit formation. Journal of Comparative Neurology of Psychology 18(5), 459-482.   [/accordion-item] [/accordion]

In this conversation with Dean Spade we resolve a long-running challenge in my understanding: when we talked with Dr. john powell on the topic of Othering and Belonging a couple of years ago we discussed how volunteering promotes othering, because it perpetuates the idea that the volunteer is a person with resources to give, and the recipient has little in the way of useful knowledge or resources of their own.  Dr. powell agreed, but we didn’t have time to discuss what to do instead.   In this episode we finally punch out that lingering hanging chad of knowledge and talk with Dean Spade about the concept of mutual aid, which is the topic of his book: Mutual Aid: Building Solidarity in This Crisis (And The Next).  In this conversation we discuss:   What is mutual aid, and how it’s more effective than volunteeringHow we heal in community with others from the effects that benign-seeming systems like capitalism have on usWays to find and get involved in mutual aid projects   As Dean and I talked, I also realized how applicable these ideas are to the work I do with parents in the Taming Your Triggers workshop.     It’s not surprising that parents feel triggered by their child’s behavior when you consider the trauma that we’ve experienced.  Even if you had ‘good parents,’ they still raised you to succeed within a system that told you to hide unacceptable parts of yourself so you could be ‘successful’ - which means getting good grades, going to college, getting a good job, buying a house, and raising a family.  And we’re supposed to do all of this by ourselves, without relying on others - because then we’ll need to buy more stuff along the journey.   Our culture uses shame to enforce these rules and keep us in line - that’s why we feel a sense of wrong-ness when we do something that isn’t socially acceptable - like asking for help, for example.   Because these traumas happened in community, they’re most effectively healed in community as well - just as these two parents did when they built on each other’s knowledge in the workshop earlier this year (screenshot shared with permission):     If you want to jump-start your ability to actually apply that knowledge in your interactions with your children by learning in community with others, then Taming Your Triggers will help you.   Join the waitlist and we'll let you know when doors reopen. Click the banner to learn more!     Dr. Dean Spade's Book Mutual Aid: Building Solidarity During This Crisis (and the Next) - Affiliate link   Parenting Beyond Power The wait is over! I'm thrilled to announce that Parenting Beyond Power is now available for you to explore. Discover practical insights and fresh perspectives that can make a positive difference in your parenting journey. Click the banner to get Parenting Beyond Power today:     Jump to highlights 01:30 Introduction to the episode and guest speaker Dr. Dean Spade 03:24 Definition of Mutual Aid and how it’s different from Charity 08:26 How the history of Social Movement was organized by Mutual Aid 09:54 Montgomery bus boycott is one of the most famous social movement work in the history of the US 15:35 The impacts of having problematic systems and structures in our society on parents 17:16 The challenges that the radical social movement is facing 18:29 How mutual Aid functions during a crisis 23:22 Why it's so essential to create a system of Mutual Aid in which we actually take care of each other and that doesn't destroy people's dignity and humanity 25:53 Why is it important to talk about Mutual Aid now 30:04 How capitalism worsens the condition of our society and why mutual aid is the only way to survive it 35:44 The importance of mutual aid in our well-being and in the society 40:09 What does Mutual Aid look like 44:53 How being involved in Mutual Aid can bring a sense of healing 46:43 Factors in our society that make us feel burnout 48:51 Dr. Spade’s way of recovering from burnout and avoidance 50:35 All powerful social movements for liberation have always been done by people who were living under the worst conditions 51:48 Importance of having a sense of urgency 53:13 Ways we should prepare for each coming emergency 54:37 How to find a Mutual Aid group in your community   References Blakemore, E. (2018, Feb 6, updated 2021, Jan 29). How the Black Panthers’ breakfast program both inspired and threatened the government. History.com. Retrieved from https://www.history.com/news/free-school-breakfast-black-panther-party Clarke, L. (1999). Mission improbable: Using fantasy documents to tame disaster. Chicago: University of Chicago. Dominguez, D., Garcia, D., Martinez, D.A., & Hernandez-Arriga, B. (2020). Leveraging the power of mutual aid, coalitions, leadership, and advocacy during COVID-19. Psychology. 67. https://repository.usfca.edu/psyc/67 Fernando, C. (2021). Mutual aid networks find roots in communities of color. ABC News. Retrieved from: https://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory/mutual-aid-networks-find-roots-communities-color-75403719#:~:text=The%20African%20Union%20Society%20in,denied%20resources%20by%20white%20institutions. Ginwright, S. (2018, May 31). The future of healing: Shifting from trauma-informed care to healing-centered engagement. Medium. Retrieved from: https://ginwright.medium.com/the-future-of-healing-shifting-from-trauma-informed-care-to-healing-centered-engagement-634f557ce69chooks, b. (1993). Sisters of the yam: Black women and self-recovery. South End Press. Kenney, Z. (2019). Solidarity, not charity: Mutual aid in natural disaster relief. Unpublished Master’s Thesis, Northern Arizona University. Klein, N. (2007). The Shock Doctrine: The Rise of Disaster Capitalism. Picador. Kropotkin, P. (1914/2006). Mutual aid: A factor of evolution. Mineola: Dover. National Humanities Center (2007). Mutual Benefit. Author. Retrieved from http://nationalhumanitiescenter.org/pds/maai/community/text5/text5read.htm Sircar, O. (2022). ‘Mutual aid is present in every crisis’: An interview with Dean Spade. Jindal Global Law Review 13(1), 191-220. Spade, D. (2010, October). For those considering law school. Author. Retrieved from: http://www.deanspade.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/For-Those-Considering-Law-School.pdf Spade, D. (2020). Solidarity not charity: Mutual aid for mobilization and survival. Social Text 142, 131-151. Spade, D. (2020). Mutual aid: Building solidarity during this crisis (and the next). London: Verso. Spade, D. (2021). What is mutual aid? (Classroom version). YouTube. Retrieved from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYPgTZeF5Z0 Spade, D. (2021-2022). Workshop series: Building capacity for mutual aid. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.deanspade.net/category/video/ (see link for four workshops in the series, including separate presentation slides, results from live polls, and additional resources) Steinberg, T. (2006). Acts of God: The unnatural history of natural disaster in America. Oxford: Oxford University Press. The Praxis Project (n.d.). Centering community in public health: Recognizing healing-centered community practices as a complement to trauma-informed interventions and services. Author. Retrieved from: https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5bf21032b98a7888bf3b6e21/t/5f36efa82e32e91a7703b80d/1597435824760/LC1+Brief+-+Healing.pdf

Claire had used respectful parenting methods since her children were babies, so child-led learning seemed like a natural fit for her.  She protected her toddler’s free play time and involved her in household chores and nature walks.   Claire attended school as a child (just like I did!); she even enjoyed elementary school. By high school she didn’t see the relevance between what she was being taught and the things she was interested in - by that time her biggest lessons came from extracurricular art classes with mostly retired classmates at an art school, and from a theater production which she and other students put on entirely by themselves - getting advice from teachers, but messing up and fixing their mistakes by themselves.   It was the art classes and theater experiences that shaped the kind of learning that Claire wanted for her child, so she got herself pretty worked up over the idea of her oldest daughter attending public school.  It was actually joining my Learning Membership that helped her see that if she did need to put her daughter in school someday, they would still be able to find ways to support her at home.  Whichever way that turned out, she and her daughter would be OK.   And in the meantime, her daughter had transitioned from the simpler questions of two to the more complex, involved questions of three.  Her new sibling was born, and her writing explorations proceeded in parallel with figuring out her place in the newly expanded family: suddenly she’s highly motivated to write a sign saying: NO BABIES ALLOWED.   Not only has Claire seen her child’s learning develop, but she’s also seeing her own growth as a person and as a parent.  Having arrived at the decision to homeschool from a place of fear and defensiveness, which she would have to justify to her extended family who are teachers, she now feels confident that homeschooling is the right fit for her family right now - even though that may change in the future.   And - more importantly - she has reimagined her role in the homeschooling relationship.  She now knows she doesn’t need to high-tail it for the library the moment her daughter expresses an interest in a new subject - she can sit back and observe and see what her daughter is really learning…and then go to the library if that’s the most appropriate thing to do.  Claire is becoming her daughter’s guide on the side who takes cues from her learner, rather than the sage on the stage who takes advantage of every Teachable Moment to impart a lesson.   Now Claire feels much more relaxed about her daughter’s learning, because she trusts her daughter - and she trusts herself. Claire had spent a lot of her own early years feeling uncomfortable, and searching for belonging.  She figured that if she just pushed herself harder, and beat herself up when things went wrong, that eventually she would be good enough.  That she would finally stop feeling ashamed of herself, and fit in.   Now she sees that you can’t teach a child to be compassionate.  The way our children learn compassion is by seeing us being compassionate with them - and with ourselves.  So Claire is reparenting herself at the same time as she’s supporting her child’s learning.   Claire is in the Supporting Your Child’s Learning Membership, which doesn’t offer a curriculum.It doesn’t tell you what activities to do when, or give a checklist of learning goals for you to fill out.Instead, it helps you to: See learning where it’s already happeningProvide just the right amount and type of support to help your child direct their own learning (and ALL children are capable of doing this; even the ones with diagnoses, and even the ones who can’t focus at school)Bolster skills like critical thinking, full-bodied learning, and metacognition, that they can use to learn ANY new idea or skill they like.   Learning Membership If you need this help so you can support your own child’s learning, I’d love to meet you in the Learning Membership. Make learning a fun adventure that not only strengthens your bond, but also nurtures your child’s intrinsic love of learning—an essential foundation for success in an AI-driven world.   Get tools and strategies to support your child’s love of learning and future-proof their success in navigating whatever comes their way. No special skills needed—just a willingness to explore alongside them.   Click the banner to learn more!     Jump to highlights 03:07 Invitation to join the Supporting Your Child Learning Membership 03:50 What life in a homestead is like for Claire's family 05:43 How does their way of life show out in her child 07:07 Ways that Claire support her child’s learning prior joining the membership 09:17 Claire's lack of connection to what she was studying in school 10:09 How her passion for art continues to influence Claire’s life today 11:39 Getting community support for Claire help her a lot in embarking her journey in the membership 12:58 Claire's thoughts and difficulties she encountered when she began the first module 14:53 Claire’s learning explorations with her child’s interest in letters and writing 16:20 How Claire's daughter uses writing to express her feelings about their relationship 17:49 Claire’s positive and negative feelings when she first started homeschooling her child 19:10 Our education system is failing because we compel teachers to work inside a system that does not work for children. 21:42 Claire's methods for supporting her child in discovering what she is truly interested in 24:36 Listening to our child with the idea that we might be the one who comes out of experience changed 26:45 Ways we help our children explore what they already know and considering their needs and interests to be worthy 28:16 Claire's daughter shows an interest in experiments and independently determining the next steps she needs. 32:05 Claire can foresee herself in the future just being guide on the side 35:42 Claire's journey to trusting herself and her child with the help of her community 38:50 What it’s like having self-compassion with our child

At the beginning of our stay at a friend’s house in Oregon six weeks ago, my eight-year-old daughter Carys had biked a flat mile on a mountain biking trail; when we got to a very slight incline she made it 20 feet further and then it all fell apart. She whined; she cried; she refused to go on. Later in the day, after we had both calmed down, we discussed the idea of Doing Hard Things, and we ultimately both agreed that we wanted to improve our mountain biking skills this summer.   She has done both a beginner and an intermediate level bike camp since then and her skills have dramatically improved! We did the Trail of Refusal the weekend after the beginner camp and she made it all the way around the loop, and the only complaining was because our riding companions weren’t going fast enough! (I’ve also been riding a lot - selling my old bike for a good price enabled the purchase of a new, much lighter one and I’m now significantly faster than I was. I may need a skills camp myself next time we’re in town…)   Professor Angela Duckworth discusses Doing Hard Things in her work on grittiness. A few days ago Listener Jamie, who helped me to prepare to talk with Alfie Kohn several years ago and who co-interviewed Dr. Mona Delahooke with me, sent me an article from The Atlantic that had just popped up in her newsfeed called The Case Against Grit and said “You said the same thing ages ago!”.   I was pretty sure I did say that, but I decided to check it out. Looking back at something I wrote four years ago has the potential to be pretty scary - my ideas have evolved a lot since then. Does this episode still ring true? Did I miss major issues? I discuss these ideas in a preview to this re-released episode.   Ready to transform how you support your child's curiosity? While we're all trying to figure out what's really behind rising teen anxiety and whether phones are the problem, there's something we can do right now that helps nurture our children's natural curiosity and intrinsic motivation to learn.   The You Are Your Child's Best Teacher masterclass shows you how to do exactly that without adding pressure or creating elaborate activities that exhaust you.   When children feel competent and engaged in learning that matters to them, they develop resilience that serves them well, whether they're facing social media pressures, academic stress, or the general challenges of growing up in today's world.   Click the banner to learn more!       Jump to highlights 03:29 How Grit is intimately connected to White supremacy 04:31 Characteristics of White supremacy in the concept of Grit 05:45 Teaching grittiness seems to be about passing along cultural ideas that we might not agree with 07:55 Raising children with a broad skill set and a self-identified passion are those who have encouraged rather than pushed their children in many interests rather than just one. 11:03 Invitation to join the Supporting Your Child’s Learning Membership and You Are Your Child’s Best Teacher workshop 12:20 Understanding what is Grit scale 15:30 Is grit about perseverance and passion 17:15 What it takes to be Grit 22:01 Using effort to overcome potential deficiencies in talent 25:27 Issues in measuring the Grit scale to students in schools 27:09 How could we give students from poor backgrounds a better advantage in school 28:24 Children experience at least two responses to stress 30:01 Understanding the issues of grit in famously successful people 32:21 The 7 virtues of grit 33:42 One of the major purposes of school is to pass on society’s culture and values to the next generation 35:09 The 4 key beliefs that cause a student to persevere more in the classroom 37:04 To whom exactly is grit for 40:15 Why grit might not actually be the secret to success 42:13 Is grit something we want to encourage in our child 43:51 Ways on how you can nurture your child with grit 46:26 What is The Hard Thing Rule   References Crede, M., Tynan, M.C., & Harms, P.D. (2017). Much ado about grit: A meta-analytic synthesis of the grit literature. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 113(3), 492-511. Del Giudice, M. (2014, October 14). Grit trumps talent and IQ: A story every parent (and educator) should read. National Geographic. Retrieved from http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2014/10/141015-angela-duckworth-success-grit-psychology-self-control-science-nginnovators/ Denby, D. (2016, June 21). The limits of “grit.” The New Yorker. Retrieved from https://www.newyorker.com/culture/culture-desk/the-limits-of-grit Duckworth, A.L., Peterson, C., Matthews, M.D., & Kelly, D.R. (2007). Grit: Perseverance and passion for long-term goals. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 92(6), 1087-1101. Full article available at https://www.ronaldreaganhs.org/cms/lib7/WI01001304/Centricity/Domain/187/Grit%20JPSP.pdf Duckworth, A.L., & Yeager, D.S. (2015). Measurement matters: Assessing personal qualities other than cognitive abilities for educational purposes. Educational Researcher 44(4), 237-251. Duckworth, A.L. (2016). Grit: The power of passion and perseverance. New York, NY: Scribner. Eskreis-Winkler, L., Shulman, E.P., Young, V., Tsukayama, E., Brunwasaser, S.M., & Duckworth, A.L. (2016). Using wise interventions to motivate deliberate practice. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 111(5), 728-744. Farrington, C.A., Roderick, M., Allensworth, E., Nagoka, J., Keyes, T.S., Johnson, D.W., & Beechum, N.O. (2012). Teaching adolescents to become learners: The role of noncognitive factors in shaping school performance: A critical literature review. The University of Chicago Consortium on Chicago School Research. Retrieved from https://consortium.uchicago.edu/sites/default/files/publications/Noncognitive%20Report.pdf Forsyth, D.R., & Kerr, N.A. (1999, August). Are adaptive illusions adaptive? Poster presented at the annual meeting of the American Psychological Association, Boston, MA. Hannon, B. (2014). Predicting college success: The relative contributions of five social/personality factors, five cognitive/earning factors, and SAT scores.  Journal of Educational and Training Studies 2(4), 46-58. Heckman, J.J. (2013). Giving kids a fair chance (A strategy that works). Cambridge, MA: MIT Press. Kamenetz, A. (2016, May 25). MacArthur ‘genius’ Angela Duckworth responds to a new critique of grit. NPR. Retrieved from http://www.npr.org/sections/ed/2016/05/25/479172868/angela-duckworth-responds-to-a-new-critique-of-grit Kapoor, M.L. (2017, June 27). 12 books expelled from Tucson schools. High Country News. Retrieved from http://www.hcn.org/articles/education-tucsons-mexican-american-studies-ban-goes-back-to-court Kohn, A. (2014). Grit: A skeptical look at the latest educational fad. Author. Retrieved from http://www.alfiekohn.org/article/grit/ No byline. (1998, March 15). Weddings; Jason Duckworth, Angela Lee. The New York Times. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/1998/03/15/style/weddings-jason-duckworth-angela-lee.html Sparks, S.D. (2015, June 2). ‘Nation’s Report Card’ to gather data on grit, mindset. Education Week. Retrieved from http://www.edweek.org/ew/articles/2015/06/03/nations-report-card-to-gather-data-on.html The Leadership Conference. (2015, May 5). Civil rights groups: “We oppose anti-testing efforts.” Author. Retrieved from https://civilrights.org/civil-rights-groups-we-oppose-anti-testing-efforts/ The Learning Project Elementary School. Website. Author. Retrieved from http://www.learningproject.org/ The Nation’s Report Card (n.d.). Percentage of fourth-grade students at or above Proficient not significantly different compared to 2013. Author. Retrieved from https://www.nationsreportcard.gov/reading_math_2015/#reading/acl?grade=4 Tough, P. (2016). Helping children succeed: What works and why. Boston, MA: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. Useem, J. (2016, May). Is grit overrated: The downsides of dogged, single-minded persistence. The Atlantic. Retrieved from https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2016/05/is-grit-overrated/476397/ Zernike, K. (2016, February 29). Testing for joy and grit? Schools nationwide push to measure students’ emotional skills. The New York Times. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2016/03/01/us/testing-for-joy-and-grit-schools-nationwide-push-to-measure-students-emotional-skills.html?_r=0

Parents have been asking me for episodes on neurodivergence for a while now so I’m hoping this episode will become the start of a mini-series. In this first conversation I talk with Dr. Hanna Bertilsdotter-Rosqvist, co-author of the new book Neurodiveristy Studies: A New Critical Paradigm. We look at this topic through the lens of autism, and I share some information I found to be pretty surprising when, out of curiosity, I took the Autism Spectrum Quotient screening online.   We discuss ways that schools, workplaces, and the wider world could better accommodate neurodivergent people, both so neurodivergent people can live the fullest expression of themselves, and also so everyone can benefit from their ideas, experience, and expertise.   While this episode uses autism as a lens through which to discuss neurodiversity, the ideas in it can be applied to other types of neurodiversity including Asperger’s syndrome, dyslexia, dyscalculia, ADHD, synesthesia, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and Tourette syndrome.   I also see neurodiversity as much more broad than the typical way this term is used, which tends to be used to mean “a person with a disorder that makes them not as good as a normal person.” I see us all as neurodiverse, each with our own unique combination of talents and struggles, so we should support children in learning in the way that’s uniquely suited to them.   Ready to transform how you support your child's curiosity? While we're all trying to figure out what's really behind rising teen anxiety and whether phones are the problem, there's something we can do right now that helps nurture our children's natural curiosity and intrinsic motivation to learn.   The You Are Your Child's Best Teacher masterclass shows you how to do exactly that without adding pressure or creating elaborate activities that exhaust you.   When children feel competent and engaged in learning that matters to them, they develop resilience that serves them well, whether they're facing social media pressures, academic stress, or the general challenges of growing up in today's world.   Click the banner to learn more!       Dr. Hanna Bertilsdotter-Rosqvist's Book Neurodiversity Studies: A New Critical Paradigm (Routledge Advances in Sociology) (Affiliate link).   Jump to highlights 00:44 Introduction of episode 04:16 Communication barriers between neurodivergent people and neurotypical people 06:05 Miscommunication translation with neurodivergent children 15:41 Social model usefulness 16:38 Why autism should be in the DSM 18:58 Difference in non-verbal communication between neurotypical and neurodivergent people 30:13 Should schools give more space for understanding neurodivergent people 32:24 The value that neurodivergent people bring to society 36:18 Parents' role in effectively supporting neurodivergent children 40:15 What should the school system look like if it was supportive of neurodivergent children 42:00 What therapies should we offer and to whom 45:22 What can we do to support neurodivergent people   References Bertilsdotter-Rosqvist, H., Chown, N., and Stenning, A. (2020). Neurodiversity studies: A new critical paradigm. London: Routledge. Bertilsdotter Rosqvist, H. (2019). Knowing what to do: Exploring meanings of development and peer support aimed at people with autism. International Journal of Inclusive Education, 23(2), 174-187. Bertilsdotter-Rosqvist, H. B., & Brownlow, C. (2015). “What’s the point of having friends?”: Reformulating Notions of the Meaning of Friends and Friendship among Autistic People. Disability Studies Quarterly, 35(4). Bertilsdotter-Rosqvist, H. (2013). Doing adulthood through parenthood: Notions of parenthood among people with cognitive disabilities. Alter 7(1), 56-68. Bertilsdotter-Rosqvist, H. (2012). Practice, practice: notions of adaptation and normality among adults with Asperger syndrome. Disability Studies Quarterly, 32(2). Bertilsdotter Rosqvist, H., Brownlow, C., & O'Dell, L. (2015). ‘An Association for All’—Notions of the Meaning of Autistic Self‐Advocacy Politics within a Parent‐Dominated Autistic Movement. Journal of Community & Applied Social Psychology, 25(3), 219-231. Brownlow, C., Bertilsdotter Rosqvist, H., & O'Dell, L. (2015). Exploring the potential for social networking among people with autism: Challenging dominant ideas of ‘friendship’. Scandinavian Journal of Disability Research, 17(2), 188-193. Egner, J.E. (2019). “The disability rights community was never mine”: Neuroqueer disidentification. Gender & Society 33(1), 123-147. Lovgren, V., & Bertilsdotter-Rosqvist, H. (2014). ‘More time for what?’ Exploring intersecting notions of gender, work, age and leisure time among people with cognitive disabilities. International Journal of Social Welfare 24(3), 263-272. Metell, M. (2019). How we talk when we talk about disabled children and their families: An invitation to queer the discourse. Voices: A world forum for music therapy 19(3), 1-12. O’Dell, L., Bertilsdotter-Rosqvist, H., Ortega, F., Brownlow, C., & Orsini, M. (2016). Critical autism studies: Exploring dialogues and intersections, challenging dominant understandings of autism. Disability & Society 31(2), 166-179. Ross, H. (2021). “I’m dyslexic but what does that even mean?”: Young people’s experiences of dyslexia support interventions in mainstream classrooms. Scandanavian Journal of Disability Research 23(1), 284-294. Starke, M., Bertilsdotter Rosqvist, H., & Kuosmanen, J. (2016). Eternal children? Professionals’ construction of women with an intellectual disability who are victims of a sexual crime. Sexuality and Disability 34, 315-328. Stenning, A., & Bertilsdotter Rosqvist, H. (2021). Neurodiversity studies: Mapping out possibilities of a new critical paradigm. Disability & Society 36(9), 1532-1537. Walker, N. (2021). Neuroqueer heresies: Notes on the neurodiversity paradigm, autistic empowerment, and postnormal possibilities. San Antonio: Autonomous.

Every once in a while a blog post about ‘childism’ makes the rounds on social media, which is described as being a “prejudice against young people” that’s on par with sexism, racism, and homophobia. But the Director of the Childism Institute, Dr. John Wall, argues that that definition implies children are simply victims of whatever adults throw at them - when actually they are active agents who create meaning for themselves.   Dr. Wall’s most recent book is called Give Children The Vote - when I picked it up, I have to admit that I rolled my eyes. I was prepared to remain skeptical…and was surprised to find that by the end of the book, the idea of children’s suffrage actually made a whole lot of sense.   Changing our minds…changing the world A big part of what happened to me as I researched this episode was that I changed my ideas about two things I’d long assumed to be true: that we need to protect children from adults who look down at them, and that children shouldn’t be able to vote. As you’ll hear in the episode, my daughter was actually part of this process on the voting topic - we talked about whether she thought she should be able to vote, and she demonstrated the major capabilities that Dr. Wall said children need to be able to vote responsibly.   So often we get stuck in a rut of imagining that the way we see the world is The Right Way, and if our child doesn’t see it that way then it’s because they aren’t yet mature enough to know how the world really works. But what if we could see that the ways children view the world - in fact, the ways we used to view the world before we were taught that rational arguments supersede all other kinds of knowledge - as something that actually has value?   Not only does it have value, but it might create insights into the challenges we face - from the small ones in our daily lives to the really big ones like what we’ll do about climate change and how we’ll address really big social problems.Our children need us to see and value their creativity, because there are so many other places in the world that don’t value it - and that will squash it out of them pretty quickly.   Ready to Support Your Child's Natural Learning Whether this episode has you considering unschooling, reinforced your commitment to traditional schooling, or left you somewhere in between, one thing is clear: every child deserves to have their natural curiosity and love of learning nurtured.   The challenge for parents isn't choosing the "right" educational path, but knowing how to support meaningful learning wherever your child is.   The Learning Membership gives you the tools to nurture your child's development whether they're in traditional school, homeschooled, or unschooled.   You'll discover how to: Turn everyday moments into rich learning opportunities (just like Laura does with her daughter)Support your child's interests and curiosity without becoming the "teacher" parentCreate a home environment that enhances rather than competes with whatever educational approach you choose   Inside the membership, you'll find research-backed strategies that work alongside any educational setting, helping you become the parent who nurtures learning rather than forcing it.   Your child's curiosity is precious - don't let it get lost in debates about educational methods.   Click the banner to learn more.     Dr. John Wall's Book Give Children the Vote: On Democratizing Democracy (Affiliate link).   Jump to highlights 01:28 Introduction of episode 04:04 Introducing the guest 10:12 Background of childism 14:10 Difference between 3rd way and 2nd way feminism 19:26 What does childism do to society 21:03 Another children’s right 23:01 Idea of human right 34:20 Set of ideas that we could engage to children’s right 35:54 3 main points of Dr. John Wall’s book Give Children The Vote 43:35 The idea of the children’s right to vote 45:02 Why children are actively prevented from voting   References Abebe, T., & Biswas, T. (2021). Rights in education: outlines for a decolonial, childist reimagination of the future – commentary to Ansell and colleagues. Fennia 199(1), 118-128. Barajas, S. (2021). Unearned advantages? Redefining privilege in light of childhood. Children’s Geographies 20(1), 24-36. Biswas, T. (2021). Who needs sensory education? Studies in Philosophy and Education 40(3), 387-302. Britta, S. (2020). The Children’s Polylogue-Doing Philosophy with Children in Intercultural Encounters. Философский полилог: Журнал Международного центра изучения русской философии 1 (7), 55-69. Retrieved from: https://www.childism.org/_files/ugd/8edd45_91282ebbaf034a3fbdfe322bb4b3156a.pdf Hart, R.A. (1992). Children’s participation: From tokenism to citizenship. UNICEF. Retrieved from: https://www.unicef-irc.org/publications/100-childrens-participation-from-tokenism-to-citizenship.html Josefsson, J., & Wall, J. (2020). Empowered inclusion: Theorizing global justice for children and youth. Globalizations 17(6), 1043-1060. Sporre, K. (2021). Young people – citizens in times of climate change? A childist approach to human responsibility. Theological Studies 77(3), a6783. Stirling, B. (2020). Childhood, ecological feminism, and the environmental justice frame. Etudes canadiennes/Canadian Studies 88, 221-238. The Childism Institute (2021). Childism: An introduction. Author. Retrieved from https://8edd4583-272f-402d-a88f-f13f889bc034.usrfiles.com/ugd/8edd45_d69ea07ff9674dd180245bd409542504.pdf Thomas, N. (2007). Towards a theory of children’s participation. International Journal of Children’s Rights 15, 199-218. Wall, J. (2022). Give children the vote: On democratizing democracy. London: Bloomsbury. Wall, J. (2019). From childhood studies to childism: Reconstructing the scholarly and social imaginations. Children’s Geographies 20(3), 257-270. Wall, J. (2018). Theorizing children’s global citizenship: reconstructionism and the politics of deep interdependence. Global Studies of Childhood 9(1), 5-17. Wall, J. (2011). Can democracy represent children? Toward a politics of difference. Childhood 19(1), 86-100. Wall, J. (2008). Human rights in light of childhood. International Journal of Children’s Rights 16, 523-543. Wall, J. (2007). Fatherhood, childism, and the creation of society. Journal of the American Academy of Religion 75(1), 52-76.

This episode builds on our conversation with Dr. Atle Dyregrov on the topic of talking with children about death, where we focused mainly on death as a general concept and navigating the first few days after the death. Grief therapist Katie Lear has a new book called A Parent's Guide to Managing Childhood Grief and focuses on the much longer period of mourning that follows the death of someone close to a child. We look at: The four 'tasks' of mourning that most people (including children) move through Activities we can do in each task to help children navigate their feelings effectively long the process usually takes Signs that a child is engaged in 'complicated grief' and needs more support Where and how to find that support Resources mentioned in the show Katie's website The book A Parent's Guide to Managing Childhood Grief Selma Fraiberg's book The Magic Years: Understanding and Handling the Problems of Early Childhood The Dougy Center(resources and referrals to grief therapists) Books Katie recommends for reading with young children When Dinosaurs Die Ida Always The Endless Story The Dead Bird Goodbye Mousie   Jump to highlights (03:13) Important topics in Katie Lear’s book, A Parent's Guide to Managing Childhood Grief (04:43) Understanding what grief looks like in children and in adult (07:38) The four tasks that children need to work through during the grieving process (11:39) Useful activities in supporting children in the first stages of grief (14:03) Katie recommends picture books about death that are written in a way that children can understand and that help normalize the feelings associated with the grieving process (15:49) Should we tell our children the truth about a parent's death? (17:45) Feelings a child experiences when someone close to them dies (18:54) How does displaying a parent's grief to their child affect their behavior (21:24) Understanding our child’s commotion or acting out when they’re in the grieving process (24:11) What is Magical Thinking and how it’s connected to a child’s development (29:16) How Magical Thinking works in adults who are grieving (30:24) What is the environment like for children who are adjusting after a loved one has gone (32:01) Family bonding activities we can do to help our family process grief (33:14) How children navigate into a parentified role after the death of a parent (35:17) Which parent's death affects how a child responds to grief (37:34) Understanding the ages at which children process bereavement (40:21) Why should we consider having rituals and memorials for a loved one who passed away (43:45) How long does it take most children to recover from grief? (46:00) What is complicated grief look like in children (53:37) How to find the right resource therapist that is specialized in children’s grief   References Fogarty, J.A. (2000). The magical thoughts of grieving children: Treating children with complicated mourning and advice for parents. Amityville: Baywood Publishing. Haine, R.A., Ayers, T.S., Sandler, I.N., & Wolchik, S.A. (2008). Evidence-based practices for parentally bereaved children and their families. Professional Psychology Research & Practice 39(2), 113-121. Lear, K. (2022). A parent’s guide to managing childhood grief. New York: Adams Media. Pham, S., Porta, G., Biernesser, C., Walker Payne, M., Iyengar, S., Melhem, N., & Brent, D.A. (2018). The burden of bereavement: Early-onset depression and impairment in youths bereaved by sudden parental death in a 7-year prospective study. American Journal of Psychiatry 175(9), 887-896. Worden, J. W. (1996). Children and grief: When a parent dies. New York: Guilford Press.  

We've covered a number of episodes in the past that feed into this one, including Raising Emotionally Healthy Boys with Dr. Judy Chu (which focused on boys' understanding of masculinity in the preschool years), and Playing to Win with Dr. Hilary Levy Friedman (which looked at the lessons children learn from sports...which aren't really related to the sports themselves...).   And of course there are the two episodes on patriarchy; the interview with Dr. Carol Gilligan, as well as my conversation with listener Brian Stout about what we learned during the interview.   A few weeks ago listener Caroline and I interviewed Dr. Marnina Gonick on the topic of girls' relationships, which stemmed from the question 'why are middle/high school-aged girls so mean to each other?' but became much broader in scope as we looked at the cultural factors shaping girls' relationships. At the end of that conversation I asked Dr. Gonick if she knew anyone who was doing work similar to hers but looking at boys' relationships, and she did!   In today's conversation Caroline returns to co-interview Dr. Michael Kehler, who is Research Professor in Masculinities Studies at the Weklund School of Education at the University of Calgary. We discuss how masculinity isn't something that boys are; it's something they do, how the traditional interpretation of masculinity hurts our boys and girls, and what parents can do to support boys in engaging in alternative masculinities that allow them to feel more whole as people.   Dr. Michael Kehler's book Boys’ Bodies: Speaking the Unspoken - Affiliate link   Jump to highlights (03:31) What does it mean to be a boy (05:17) There is a type of masculinity that is perceived to be the most masculine (06:21) The problem with the phrase “Boys will be boys” (08:24) Understanding Masculine and Feminine binary (10:09) How much influence do gender stereotypes or gender norms around masculinity have on boys' relationships, particularly at school? (16:27) How mental and physical affection have shown up in boys' and men's relationships (21:37) Why do boys and men feel pressure to conform to traditional masculine norms? (23:38) Ways that girls regulated men's roles in society (27:49) How can gender diversity be supported (30:25) Boys seem to need action-based learning, rather than docile literacy-based tasks (33:54) The importance of disrupting thinking in supporting boys in their resistance to the norms of masculinity (40:07) Do boys desire close male-to-male friendships? (42:29) Power of discomfort as a learning opportunity   References: Anderson, E., Adams, A., & Rivers, I. (2012). “I kiss them because I love them”: The emergence of heterosexual men kissing in British institutes of education. Archives of Sexual Behavior 41(2), 421-430. Anderson, E. (2008). “I used to think women were weak”: Orthodox masculinity, gender segregation, and sport. Sociological Forum 23(2), 257-280. Burns, J., & Kehler, M. (2014). Boys, bodies, and negotiated school spaces: When boys fail the litmus test. Culture, Society & Masculinities 6(1), 3-18. Hayward, C., & Mac an Ghaill, M. (2013). Education and masculinities: Social, cultural, and global transformations. New York: Routledge. Kehler, M. (2010). Boys, books and homophobia: Exploring the practices and policies of masculinities in school. McGill Journal of Education 45(3), 351-370. Kehler, M.D. (2007). Hallway fears and high school friendships: the complications of young men (re)negotiating heterosexualized identities. Discourse: Studies in the cultural politics of education 28(2), 259-277. Kehler, M.D. & Martino, W. (2007). Questioning masculinities: Interrogating boys’ capacities for self-problematization in schools. Canadian Journal of Education 30(1), 90-112. Kehler, M.D., Davison, K.G., & Frank, B. (2005). Contradictions and tensions in the practice of masculinites in school: interrogating embodiment and ‘Good Buddy Talk.’ Journal of Curriculum Theorizing 21(4), 59-72. Kimmel, M. (2018). Masculinity and our common humanity: “Real” men versus “Good” men. In N. Way, A. Ali, C. Gilligan, & P. Noguera (Eds), The Crisis of Connection: Roots, Consequences, and Solutions (p.173-187). New York: New York University Press. Kimmel, M. (2004). Masculinity as homophobia: Fear, shame, and silence in the construction of gender identity. In P.F. Murphy (Ed)., Feminism & Masculinities (p.182-199). Oxford: Oxford University Press. Mac an Ghaill, M., & Hayward, C. (2011). Schooling, masculinity and class analysis: Towards an aesthetic of subjectivities. British Journal of Sociology of Education 32(5), 729-744. Mac an Ghaill, M. (1994). The making of men: Masculinities, sexualities, and schooling. Buckingham: Open University Press. Martino, W., & Kehler, M. (2006). Male teachers and the “Boy Problem” An issue of recuperative masculinity politics. McGill Journal of Education 41(2), 113-131. McCann, P.D., Minichiello, V., & Plummer, D. (2009). Is homophobia inevitable? Evidence that explores the constructed nature of homophobia, and the techniques through which men unlearn it. Journal of Sociology 45(2), 201-220. Messerschmidt, J.W. (2010). The struggle for recognition: Embodied masculinity and the victim-violence cycle of bullying in secondary schools. In M. Kehler & M. Atkinson (Eds), Boys’ Bodies: Speaking the Unspoken (p.113-131). New York: Peter Lang. Plummer, C. (1999). One of the boys: Masculinity, homophobia, and modern manhood. New York: Harrington Park Press. Riechert, M.C., & Nelson, J.D. (2018). I want to learn from you: Relational strategies to engage boys in school. In N. Way, A. Ali, C. Gilligan, & P. Noguera (Eds), The Crisis of Connection: Roots, Consequences, and Solutions (p.344-360). New York: New York University Press. Robinson, S., White, A., & Anderson, E. (2019). Privileging the bromance: A critical appraisal of romantic and bromantic relationships. Men and Masculinities 22(5), 850-871. Rogers L.O. (2018). The “Black Box”: Identity development and the crisis of connection among Black adolescent boys. In N. Way, A. Ali, C. Gilligan, & P. Noguera (Eds), The Crisis of Connection: Roots, Consequences, and Solutions (p.129-148). New York: New York University Press. Rotondo, E.A. (1989). Romantic friendship: Male intimacy and middle class youth in the Northern United States, 1800-1900. Journal of Social History 23(1), 1-25. Ryan, T.A., Morrison, T.G., & O Beaglaoich, C. (2010). Adolescent males’ body image: An overview of research on the influence of mass media. In M. Kehler & M. Atkinson (Eds), Boys’ Bodies: Speaking the Unspoken (p.21-50). New York: Peter Lang. Scholes, L. (2018). Boys, masculinities and reading: Gender identity and literacy as social practice. New York: Routledge. Watson, A., & Kehler, M. (2012). Beyond the “Boy Problem”: Raising questions, growing concerns and literacy reconsidered. New England Reading Association Journal 48(1), 43-55. Watson, A., Kehler, M., & Martino, W. (2010). The problem of boys’ literacy underachievement: Raising some questions. Journal of Adolescent and Adult Literacy 53(5), 356-361. Way, N., & Nelson, J.D. (2018). The Listening Project: Fostering curiosity and connection in middle schools. In N. Way, A. Ali, C. Gilligan, & P. Noguera (Eds), The Crisis of Connection: Roots, Consequences, and Solutions (p.274-298). New York: New York University Press.