SYPM 020: Preparing for the afterbirth with Renee Reina

I don’t know about you, but I spent a LOT of time thinking about my birth plan before Carys was born.  I mean, that thing went through multiple iterations as I read new books about the birth process and thought about what I wanted mine to be like.   And I got lucky; we didn’t stray too far from the plan (except that that whole ‘urge to push’ thing?  Well I never felt that.  It seemed like she was quite happy where she was.  Perhaps that explains why she enjoys being wrapped in fluffy blankets so much?)   So I put all this effort into what the Big Day would be like, and practically zero into what life would be like afterward.   I mean, we got the nursery ready without realizing that she wasn’t going to spend any time in it at all for the first three months.   And the whole visitors thing - well that didn’t even cross my mind.   I guess I just assumed that people would come and visit, because that’s what people do after you have a baby.   But most of the time I didn’t want visitors!   I spent a good chunk of the first 10 days in tears.   (In fact my husband and I had a mini-celebration at bedtime on the 10th day because it was the first time I hadn’t cried since she was born.)   Sometimes I was able to get dressed and greet people…other times I was curled up in bed crying while my husband did the entertaining.   The idea of saying “no visitors yet please” simply didn’t cross my mind.   That’s what we discuss in today’s episode with Renee Reina of The Mom Room.  She was lucky enough to have her Mom living close by when she had her baby, who became her gatekeeper - friends and family would check in with Renee’s Mom before coming over.   Renee was able to create the calm, peaceful environment at home that she wanted to bring baby into - and re-engage with the world on her own terms, when she was ready.   In this episode we talk about how to make those early days of motherhood work for you and your family - no matter what social conventions say are the right things to do.   Those first weeks at home may be the hardest you’ll ever experience If you’re expecting a baby or have one under the age of one, the Right From The Start course is here to help.  I run it with the amazing Hannah and Kelty of Upbringing, who bring a whole lot of expertise and training on respectful parenting, along with expertise on raising siblings and ‘spirited’ children, in addition to the scientific research on these topics that you expect from me.   In the course we’ll give you concrete strategies to:

• Get the essential sleep you (all) need
• Create a secure attachment & navigate big feelings
• Support gross motor development & independent play (freeing up time for you!)
• Prepare for and thrive with siblings
• And so much more!

  Parents who have taken the course tell us that there’s nothing else like it available: this is the only course that helps you support baby’s development, while holding your needs as equally important, and helping you to meet these as well.   Click the image to learn more about Right From The Start.         Jump to highlights [accordion] [accordion-item title="Click here to read the full transcript"]   Jen Lumanlan  00:02 Hi, I'm Jen and I host the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. We all want our children to lead fulfilling lives, but it can be   Jenny  00:09 so do you get tired of hearing the same old interest in podcast episodes? I don't really But Jen thinks you might. I'm Jenny, a listener from Los Angeles, testing out a new way for listeners to record the introductions to podcast episodes. There's no other resource out there quite like Your Parenting Mojo, which doesn't just tell you about the latest scientific research on parenting and child development, but puts it in context for you as well. So you can decide whether and how to use this new information. I listen because parenting can be scary and it's reassuring to know what the experts think. If you'd like to get new episodes in your inbox along with a free infographic on 13 reasons your child isn't listening to you and what to do about each one. Sign up at YourParentingMojo.com/subscribe. You can also join the free Facebook group to continue the conversation. Over time you might get sick of hearing me read this intro so come and record one yourself. You can read from a script gents provided or have some real fun with it and write your own. Just go to your parenting mojo.com forward slash record the intro. I can't wait to hear yours.   Jen Lumanlan  01:26 Hello and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo Podcast. Today we're going to look at another topic that we can file under things I'd never given a moment's thought about before Carys was born, which is what those early days at home were going to be like. Looking back on it, I have really have no idea why my preparation for her birth literally stopped at her birth, and didn't give a moment's thought to what would happen even in the immediate days afterwards. And I have to say, I felt really lost. I cried every day for the first 10 days. And on day four, it was pretty much continual from start to finish. And thank goodness, my good friend, Michelle had told me there would be a lot of hormone rebalancing on that day, so I knew it was coming. Otherwise, I would have thought I was actually falling apart. Things did get a bit better over the following days. And on day 10, my husband and I had a little celebration at bedtime because it was the first day since she had been born that I didn't cry. If you're expecting a baby in the coming months, or if you have one under the age of one, then the right from the start course is designed to give you the information you need to go from just surviving each day to truly thriving. In this course that I run with Hannah and Kelty of upbringing you'll find information on topics like getting the sleep you both needed to function, making choices about feeding, supporting development, independent play, navigating the difficult sibling relationship if you already have an older child, and so much more. Whether you're brand new at this parenting thing, or if you have one or more children already, you know things have to be different his time around. The right from the start course will get you out of the midnight googling about all the things that might be wrong with your child and into a sense of calm and confidence that you've got this. You'll meet an amazing group of parents who are on this journey as well, figuring this stuff out alongside you. With support from Hannah and Kelty as well as me, you'll even be able to join group coaching calls to get all of your questions answered. Parents who have taken the course say firstly, they had no idea that they even needed these group coaching calls, but they really did. And secondly, there's no resource out there that considers them to be just as important as their baby in this relationship. And as we'll hear about from my guest today, all of the attention is on the mother when the baby's on the way, and as soon as the baby is here, the mother is relegated to the background. And their only role is to provide a suitable environment for the baby. And right from the start, we hold you to be just as important and valued person as your baby, and that your baby actually learns really important things when you hold this to be true. Enrollment for right from the start is open now until Wednesday, April 13. And sliding scale pricing is available. And so my guest today in our sharing Your Parenting Mojo episode is Renee Reina of the Mom Room. Welcome, Renee. It's so great to have you here.   Renee  04:24 Thank you for having me. Yeah.   Jen Lumanlan  04:26 So what was this transition from not being a parent to being a parent like for you?   Renee  04:31 It was a lot. So I had my son. He's three now. I had him when I was 34 years old. So I had been in grad school living by myself, focusing on myself, setting goals for myself, just focused on those two then having a baby, I took a 12 month maternity leave for my PhD program.   Jen Lumanlan  04:53 Because you're in Canada we should mention.   Renee  04:55 Yes, I am Canadian. I know people are always like "12 months?" So, you know, in the first 12 months, I would say things were good. Like, there were lots of things in early postpartum that blew my mind. And that is why I started the blog. I started talking about these things on social media. And then I found “Oh, like, I'm not the only one.” Everyone else thinks the same thing. In the first 12 months, I was very focused on it's just me, it's my son, and my husband was working full time. So I had that mindset going into the 12 month maternity leave that I didn't have anything else to worry about. So that was really nice. And I think something that I wish all moms could experience you know, and have that time to just be like focused on transitioning into motherhood and focusing on your children.   Jen Lumanlan  05:48 Yeah, it's a massive lack, isn't it? With no guarantee of paid leave in the US, if you're lucky enough to work for a big company that offers it, you might get it. I think it was three months when I did it. Many companies are now expanding to six months but many parents take three or four days off and then go back to work and they have to come in the bathrooms cafe or restaurant or something. I mean, it's just horrific.   Renee  06:09 In Canada now, we have the option to extend to 18 months and you If you can split the time with your partner, yeah. So like my husband's self-employed, he's a surgeon. So that's not an option for him. But if you work for a company where you have benefits and insurance, you can split the maternity leave or parental leave with your partner. So yeah, it breaks my heart to know that not everyone has that as an option.   Jen Lumanlan  06:33 Okay? And so what was birth like for you?   Renee  06:37 So I was induced at 38 weeks because Milo was growing fine and then he kind of plateaued. So the thinking was, “let's get him out in the real world, and you can feed him, and then he'll, you know, grow up outside of your uterus.” So I was induced at 38 weeks. And I have to say, the labor and delivery part was pretty good. Like, I don't really have any complaints. I had my husband there. My sister was with me. The scariest part for me was the epidural. To be honest, yeah.   Jen Lumanlan  07:12 And Did it meet your expectations? Was it the same kind of birth that people have on TV or?   Renee  07:17 No, not at all. So it's so funny, because that's something that I talk about because I think a lot of moms feel shame for not feeling this like overwhelming sensation of love and bond. This bond between their babies as soon as they give birth, and that was me, to be honest. When Milo was born, they put him on my chest, and I was literally just like, impartial, like, I was neutral. I was just like, "oh, okay, so this is the little person that was inside of me," like I had no connection. And it really took a while for me to build that connection. And now that he's three years old and he's developing a little personality, like, I find the older he got the more I fall in love with him. And you know, seeing him as his own little person, like it just grew. So it's something that not a lot of people talk about. And they feel shame, if they don't feel that at their birth. And I did not have a traumatic labor and delivery, as many people do. I think a lot of people have that expectation going into labor and delivery. And then when it's not there, they think there's something wrong with them. And the same goes for early postpartum. A lot of people have a low or depressed mood. Some people have postpartum depression. And so it's like this conflicting society is telling you that you should be the happiest you've ever been. And this is the best time of your life. But you don't feel that. And if society is saying that, and that's what everyone else is showing on social media and on TV and, you know, in movies, are you really going to speak up about not being the happiest you've ever been? Because, you know, you're afraid of being judged. And people thinking that? “Oh, she must not like being a mom,” or, you know, “she's not fit to be a mom.” So yeah, it's a problem. And this is why I speak out about things like this, because every time I do, the response is overwhelming with people who are like, "Wow, me too." And, you know, I just love that people can see my content, read all the comments and be like, "Oh, my God, this is such a common thing."   Jen Lumanlan  09:30 Yeah, and you brought me back to the moment when Carys was put on my chest as well. And we have the very first picture of her that was taken. It was her on my chest. And my eyes are screwed up because I'm crying. And the thought that's in my mind is, well, I don't hate you. Because I had a difficult relationship with my mom, I was fully prepared to not love her coming out. And I was fortunate as well, and had a relatively medically easy birth, and had absolutely no idea how I was going to feel, and so to have it be neutral was a win for me. That was a real win. And then yeah, absolutely. Those first 10 days, I was so lucky. Actually, a Canadian friend told me about the day four hormone shifts. And I didn't stop crying the entire day. And if she hadn't told me that, I mean, where is my doctor on this? Where is all of the support we're supposed to have to help us understand what's coming? If she hadn't told me that, I would have thought there is something deeply wrong with me because I cannot stop crying, and I think on day 10, my husband and I had a little celebration at the end of the day because I hadn't cried for the first time.   Renee  10:26 And to speak about the crying, which I don't know why this like, left my memory for the first week, every day at 7pm. I would just cry uncontrollably.   Jen Lumanlan  10:39 Oh, wow.   Renee  10:40 And I remember thinking, you know, I kept going to these doctor's appointments so that they could measure Milo's head and stuff. And I was like, what about me? Like, I just gave birth, and I can't even sit in the doctor's waiting room. I can't sit down because I'm in pain, but I'm going to bring my baby there. And everyone's gonna, like, you know, “oh, like a baby.” And then they're going to measure his head, and check his testicles, and whatever. And I'm just sitting there like, okay, and I remember my doctor happened to be a young mother herself. She had young kids, and she looked at me in the appointment, and she said, "How are you doing?" And she had a resident with her, and I just broke down crying. Like if she hadn't just taken the time to be like, "How are you doing?" And looking at me in my eyes. I probably wouldn't have said anything. Yeah, And you know, I am very self-aware and understand, you know, feelings of anxiety and things like that. So I can imagine what most people go through and are not able to verbalize to their partners, family, or friends when they're going through a difficult time. And I remember her saying, you know, it's really common for the first couple of weeks when the sun goes down for women to start crying, because it's like, scary. You know, your support person has left for the day. You are kind of like relaxing the baby sleeping hoepfully. Now you have time to kind of like, let everything out. It was so interesting. And luckily for me, it ended up going away after the week. But yeah, I'll never forget every 7pm jeopardy would start and I'm just crying.   Jen Lumanlan  12:25 And it wasn't because the questions were so bad.   Renee  12:28 Oh, yeah.   Jen Lumanlan  12:30 Yeah, it reminds me actually of a study I read. And I'm not going to be able to quote this precisely. And it was old, which you'll understand why this is important in a second, but it said something along the lines of was "the biggest predictor of whether doctors,” and of course, it means male doctors, “would provide appropriate care to mothers after a birth was whether or not their wife had a baby."   Renee  12:50 Interesting     Jen Lumanlan  12:51 It had nothing to do with their training. It was whether their wife, and of course, assuming a cisgender heterosexual partnership had a baby. And so that I think that just speaks to the complete inadequacy of preparation that doctors get in terms of seeing as a complete set as a unit. And that it's not just all about the baby. But we're important to in those early days when everybody wants to come and see the baby. That was another challenging period for me. What was that like for you? How did you navigate that?   Renee  13:20 This is my favorite topic to talk about. And it always blows up on TikTok when I talk about this topic. So when I was pregnant, in the days leading up to labor and delivery, I suddenly had this feeling like I didn't really want people at the hospital for sure. So I think it was like my mom and my dad came and visited Milo quickly and then, and my sister was there because she was in the delivery room. Then I went home. My mom was always around. She lived down the street at that time, which was amazing. And my mom was like my chosen support person. I wanted my mom there in my head. I had Milo on a Friday. My husband was back at work on Monday. So my mom was always there, you know, helping with everything. And so, she was kind of like my gatekeeper. Because she would be like, "Do you want people to come over?" I had Milo in my hometown. So all my family was there and people wanted to come visit. And I was like, "No, I don't want anybody in the house." I was lucky that my mom was kind of the gatekeeper, like having to answer to people. So I didn't have people texting me. I didn't have to say like, "Oh, I'm not really feeling up to it or like make excuses." She was the one that was staying in contact with everyone. So this lasted for probably a few weeks. You know, every once in a while my mom would check in and I was like, "Nope, I don't want anybody coming." It's really interesting because a few weeks after I gave birth, we had a family function. Someone had passed away, and so I went to the function, and I remember my...