The Happier Approach: Quieting your High Functioning Anxiety

Devoted, constant, and committed – all my clients would list loyalty as one of their highest values. Loyalty to their mothers, fathers, spouses, kids, friends, work, and the world in general. They are the listeners, supporters, lovers, givers, cheerleaders, and fans. They are the caregivers for their aging parents. They are the backbone of their families, relationships, and workplaces. The dark side of this loyalty to others is the exhaustion, the never-ending to-do list, the never feeling good enough, whole enough, satisfied enough.  The anxiety. All this month we are exploring the unique values of someone with High Functioning Anxiety and how they silently struggle with these values.  Last week we talked with Brittany Berger about anxiety and productivity. This week I am talking about how those of us with HFA value loyalty.   Here is the irony: some of the kindest, gentlest, giving people in the world never quite feel kind, gentle, or giving enough. Want to know why? They are so busy devoting themselves to make sure their family and friends are heard, supported, and cared for they bypass themselves. They have been trained to care for everyone else but themselves.  This is something I have struggled with personally. I love caring for people. I pride myself on my loyalty, I love being there for those closest to me, and I know it has come at a price. A price of exhaustion and stress.  Today I want to talk about how to get off that hamster wheel of stress. Listen to the full episode to hear: When we don't have loyalty to ourselves we are constantly looking outside of ourselves for direction. How the Monger lies to us by saying “take care of everyone else and then you will have peace.” How we can stretch our loyalty to include ourselves and not just others.  Links: Coach in Your Pocket Live Happier Website Instagram: @nancyjane_livehappier --- During the pandemic, I'll be offering a mini version of my Voxer work. Nothing too intense. Nothing too coachy. Just a chance for you to vent, talk about what's most pressing, and have a neutral third party on the phone for right now.  I'm calling it Visit: https://NancyJaneSmith.comLearn More About Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com

Go Go Go is addicting.  During this social distancing time, I keep hearing people say that we can finally stop hustling and use this time to get in touch with ourselves. The problem with that thinking is it implies that hustling is something that was forced upon us.  But in reality, hustling is something we choose to do as a coping mechanism against our uncomfortable feelings of sadness, grief, anger, doubt, and uncertainty.  For those of us with High Functioning Anxiety, these mechanisms can lead to even greater levels of anxiety. We all rail against hustle culture while at the same time actively embracing it. This coping mechanism has become a valued cultural norm to point where we even glorifying it.  So what would it be like to stop embracing the hustle culture altogether? My guest today has raised a one-woman battle against hustle culture and her addiction to it. Brittany Berger is the founder of Work Brighter, a digital media company that helps productive unicorns go beyond working smarter to a version of productivity that makes room for “unproductive” things like rest, self-care, and fun.  She started Work Brighter after 5 years running content marketing in high-stress startups that prioritized hustle, growth, and scaling over self-care and mental health. Now that she's changed her own mindset, she spends her time helping other high achievers define balance for themselves, advocating for mental health awareness, and dancing...always dancing. That Brittany walks her talk which is one reason this interview is so amazing. She believed the hustle culture lie with all of her being and shares not only her burnout story but what she has created and the values she lives by now.  Listen to the full episode to hear: Brittany’s transformational story of burnout with all the nitty-gritty details What self-care really looks like Why it is so hard to unhook that belief that we can rest only when we have earned it Practical tips for when your to-do list is 500 things long and your boss is breathing down your throat  How to get out of the cycle of pushing during the week and collapsing on the weekend  Brittany’s Links: Work Brighter Instagram @workbrighter Twitter @workbrighterco Nancy’s Links: Coach in Your Pocket Live Happier WebsiteVisit: https://NancyJaneSmith.comLearn More About Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com

Let me check Instagram one more time.  Maybe I got an email? I haven’t checked for 10 minutes.  My glass of what is almost empty. Let me go downstairs for a refill. Stretching would be good right now, anyway.  Well, that break took a lot longer than I had planned. I got sucked into pulling some weeds while talking to my husband and then decided to make a snack.  Oh geez, I forgot to actually refill my glass.  Okay. Back at my desk. Before I start writing, let me check Instagram one more time. Anything new in my inbox? This was me trying to write this podcast episode–avoiding and procrastinating. For me, this is all part of the process.  All this month we have been talking about avoidance and anxiety. We talked with Jaquette Timmons about avoidance and money, Erica Drewry about our relationship with food, Bailey Parnell about social media, and Andrea Owen about avoidance, anxiety, addiction.  Today I want to wrap the month up and talk about the connection between avoidance and High Functioning Anxiety and give you some insight into High Functioning Anxiety vs Low Functioning Anxiety.  Avoidance and anxiety go hand in hand but you might be surprised to learn how.  Listen to the full episode to hear: What the differences are between High Functioning Anxiety and Low Functioning Anxiety  How there really isn’t one type of anxiety that is better than the other How knowing where you fall really helps with coping better And how to avoid unhealthy coping mechanisms that we often develop around our anxiety Links: Coach in Your Pocket Live Happier Website Instagram: @nancyjane_livehappier --- During the pandemic, I'll be offering a mini version of my Voxer work. Nothing too intense. Nothing too coachy. Just a chance for you to vent, talk about what's most pressing, and have a neutral third party on the phone for right now.  Visit: https://NancyJaneSmith.comLearn More About Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com

Is it too early to pour a glass of wine?  I'm just going to have one drink while I read my book outside.  Okay, well, one more while I cooked dinner.  Oh, a glass of wine would taste so good with this pasta.  I think I'm just going to do half a glass.  Well, there's just a little bit left in the bottle. I'm just going to finish that up… And then at 3:00 AM, waking up with a headache and unable to go back to sleep, my monger starts chiming in: Why did you drink so much? What were you thinking? Why did you do that – again? Before I took a long, hard look at my drinking, this was what I put myself through most days of the week. Alcohol and anxiety tend to go hand in hand. We drink to decrease our anxiety and then because it feels so good, we drink too much and the result is an increase in anxiety.  Today, we're continuing our month of avoidance and anxiety by talking with Andrea Owen about the connection between avoidance and alcohol.  As a recovering alcoholic and life coach, Andrea has a unique perspective on the topic of avoidance and alcohol. She is the founder of Your Kick-Ass Life coaching and author of the books How To Stop Feeling Like Shit and 52 Ways To Live a Kick-Ass Life. I have been a huge fan of Andrea's for years, and this is the first time I've had the privilege of talking with her.  I love this interview for so many reasons, but the main point I want to leave you with is that alcohol use runs on a continuum and it is a personal decision. No one can tell you that you have a problem with alcohol except for yourself. For Andrea, her bottom was very high. For others, it takes much more drama and devastation before they notice they have a problem. If you haven’t had the chance, go back and listen to the episodes with Jacquette Timmons, Erica Drewry, and Bailey Parnell.  Listen to the full episode to hear: When Andrea knew she wasn’t just a social drinker Why it can be so hard to see that drinking is a problem Why alcohol gives us false hope as a treVisit: https://NancyJaneSmith.comLearn More About Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com

Social media is one of my personal favorite methods of avoiding and as you can imagine it has only gotten worse in recent weeks. I often find myself obsessively making the rounds on social media: Twitter to Facebook to Instagram to email and back again. Stories about being isolated at home, questioning the seriousness, tips for cooking during a crisis, hoarding TP... UGH!  This has to stop! This is a conversation I was having with myself even before the pandemic crisis. It has only gotten worse since the shelter in place orders went down.   Social media is an amazing catch-22 – it calms your need to be vigilant while simultaneously making you more anxious.  All this month we have been exploring the ways that avoidance shows itself in relation to anxiety. So far we have talked with Jacquette Timmons about avoidance and money and Erica Drewry about avoidance and food.  Today we are talking Bailey Parnell about how we engage in avoidance through social media. I am so excited to bring you this eye-opening conversation with Bailey, founder & CEO of SkillsCamp and #safesocial. After Bailey noticed her own abuse of social media she decided to research and learn more about this issue. Her approach to reducing our social media is unique and very doable.  Listen to the full episode to hear: Why the research that says our anxiety increase with social media is not accurate Why our tendency to demonize social media only makes it worse Baliey’s 5 steps to using social media safely – AKA, Safe Social What to do when you find yourself down the rabbit hole and mindlessly scrolling Erica’s Links: Bailey Parnell Website SkillsCamp #safesocial Instagram: @baileyparnell Nancy’s Links: Coach in Your Pocket Live Happier Website Instagram: Visit: https://NancyJaneSmith.comLearn More About Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com

Chocolate, ice cream, chips, cheese balls, Ho-Hos, and Junior Mints. My list was packed with all the necessities for surviving a global pandemic–at least all the necessities for one who emotionally eats.  When the governor of Ohio announced that he was closing all non-essential businesses, my first thought was: Oh no! Do we have enough food? I did a mental scan of our fridge and our pantry, wondering if we had enough to make it through a couple of weeks, if not longer, under lockdown. I immediately opened an Instacart account and started making my list.  I was going to be ready for what was coming. All this month I am talking with experts in a variety of areas to pull back the curtain on our avoiding ways and how we can make small manageable changes to bring intention to our lives.  Today I am talking with Erica Drewry about avoidance and how it plays out with food.  Erica is a registered dietitian and Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor in Columbus, Ohio. For the past 11 years, she has been the owner of Aligned Nutrition and provides nutritional counseling in person and virtually.   This topic is very personal to me and I am so excited for you to hear our conversation!  It is an open and honest (at times very vulnerable!) conversation about food, anxiety, and avoidance. You will definitely get a glimpse into my personal story of how I use food to avoid.  We recorded it just 2 weeks ago so it’s a message of eating during the stress of a worldwide pandemic that couldn’t have come at a better time.  Listen to the full episode to hear: What might be behind our tendency to eat when we are bored, and why I filled my Instacart with junk food How binging and restricting go hand and hand, even if you don’t think you have a problem with restricting What intuitive eating really means and how it gets distorted in society What role society plays in our relationship with food Erica’s Links: Aligned Nutrition @alignednutrition (on FaceBook, Youtube, & Instagram) Nancy’s Links: Coach in Your Pocket Live Happier Website Instagram: @nancyjVisit: https://NancyJaneSmith.comLearn More About Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com

There is one thing almost everyone does when their anxiety gets high.  They avoid.  Whether through food, alcohol, social media, or money–we avoid.  All this month I am talking with experts in these four areas of avoiding. We’re pulling back the curtains on our avoiding ways and how we can make small manageable changes to bring intention to our lives.  We're kicking this off this month talking with Jacquette Timmons about money.  Money and avoidance go hand in hand. Money is a very loaded topic for people in general, but especially those with High Functioning Anxiety. We avoid dealing with our money. We avoid talking about money. We engage in overspending or being overly controlling about money. All of these patterns come from one place – avoiding our intentions and feelings about money.  Jacquette Timmons is a national investment expert and financial coach. She is the founder of Sterling Investment Management, a New York-based investment education and financial coaching firm. She has worked in the investment industry for 23 years and conducts numerous personal finance and stock market investing workshops. This conversation couldn’t have come at a better time. While I think any time we can intentionally talk about money is good, right now, with the current state of the world, this conversation is even more relevant.   I learned so much from Jacquette in our conversation. We laughed and shared openly and honestly about the topic of money. She has a unique and refreshing approach to money management – one that we can all benefit from to ease our shame and anxiety around money.  Listen to the full episode to hear: Why Jacquette’s approach to money management is so unique What you can do to ease some of your shame and anxiety around money Why we avoid when it comes to money and what we can do about today What the role our family of origin plays in our approach to money Jacquette’s Links: Jacquettetimmons.com Twitter: @jacqmtimmons Instagram: @jacquettemtimmons Nancy’s Links: Coach in Your Pocket Live Happier Website Visit: https://NancyJaneSmith.comLearn More About Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com

Habit is one of those words I have a negative reaction too.  Like a lot of people, I have tried to create healthy habits and tried to be super militant about maintaining them, only to fail miserably.  What are we supposed to do? On one extreme we have the voice of the Monger who is constantly beating us down for this failure – not exactly motivating – and on the other, we have our BFF who encourages to rebel against anything habitual.  So, yeah, the word habit brings up all kinds of stuff for me.  This is why I wanted to talk to Sarah Von Bargen of Yes and Yes, the “lifestyle blog for smart, funny people.” Sarah is an expert in setting and keeping habits. She writes and teaches on Yes and Yes about setting habits, money, happiness, and about recognizing self-defeating behaviors and taking action on them anyway.  One thing that struck me about this interview with Sarah was her emphasis on small manageable changes – the opposite of my old pattern around habits. Healthy habits are not about all or nothing. It’s about habits that are small and realistic and intentionally honoring yourself (all that self-loyalty I talk about). Way less dramatic than my old way of being but far more productive! Listen to the full episode to hear: What it looks like to give yourself permission to engage in a non-productive habit How to own your time when everyone else seems to come first How to tell the difference between caring for yourself and numbing out Some approached you can take to decrease your phone addiction Why the 21 days to set a habit is BS and how long it REALLY takes.  Links: Yes and Yes Bank Boost Pomodoro Technique  Coach in Your Pocket Live Happier Website --- Helping people with High Functioning Anxiety is a personal mission for me. I have a special place in my heart for this struggle because it’s both something I dealt with unknowingly for years, and because it silently affects so many people who think this is just how it is.  Working with me this way is an incredibly efficient and effective way to deal with your anxiety in the moment--without waiting for your next appointment. Visit: https://NancyJaneSmith.comLearn More About Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com

When my mom told me she wouldn’t be visiting for Easter this year – choosing to visit a friend instead – I experienced a flood of emotions.  I immediately felt disappointed and sad. Easter isn't a big deal in our family – we don't even go to church – but I was still looking forward to seeing her. I was bummed.  And then my Monger started sounding off: “What's the big deal? She’s allowed to go to visit her friend and it isn’t like you are a deeply religious family or anything. You are so uptight and rigid! This shouldn't make you sad.”  The rest of the day when I would feel sad or disappointed the voice of the Monger would swoop in and tell me that my feelings were irrational and I would feel terrible about myself.   But here is the thing: feelings happen. It doesn’t matter if the feelings make sense or not. You are still having them and that is more than okay, no matter what your Monger is telling you.  Today, we are continuing this month’s deep dive into the F word.  In episode 119 I introduced the topic of Acknowledging your feelings as a key part of reducing anxiety, and last week, I addressed 2 of the fears we have about feelings. Today, I am going to explore what to do when your feelings just don’t seem appropriate.  Listen to the full episode to hear: What happens when we don’t give ourselves permission to feel and confuse the natural response of acknowledging our feelings with demanding a behavior change.  How it is a myth that if we feel sad that means we have to take action on that feeling Why the idea of”‘changing our thoughts” or “fixing our mindsets” never works How when we have High Functioning Anxiety we learn to compartmentalize those feelings, putting them in a box deep inside, never seeing them again Links: Episode 119: The 3 Steps Of A.S.K.: Acknowledging Your Feelings Episode 124: The 2 Biggest Fears About Feeling Your Feelings Coach in Your Pocket Live Happier Website --- Helping people with High Functioning Anxiety is a personal mission for me. I have a special place in my heart for this struggle because it’s both something I dealt with unknowingly for yeVisit: https://NancyJaneSmith.comLearn More About Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com

Here is a common scenario in my world: I had a lot to get done – back to back client meetings and deadlines looming. My anxiety was through the roof! I kept telling myself, “you need to acknowledge your feeling,” knowing that it helps when I am stuck in anxiety. But it wasn’t working. I kept coming up sad and overwhelmed. No matter how many times I tried I wasn’t getting any relief. At the end of the day – meetings over, deadlines met – I was still spinning with anxiety. I realized I had gone through the whole day without really feeling anything. Every time I had gone through the motions of naming my emotions they were quickly hijacked by my Monger saying, “Feeling sad is a waste of time. You don’t have time for this nonsense. Move on and focus!” This is a common experience for many of my clients. We shame ourselves for feeling our feelings. We tell ourselves that we don’t have enough time for them. That we won’t get anything done by feeling things. Or, worse, we fear that allowing ourselves to experience our emotions would open up a bottomless pit of despair that we would never be able to find our way out of.  In today’s episode, I want to dive a little deeper into the F word. I talk about Acknowledge your Feelings as a key part of reducing anxiety. In episode 119 I introduced the topic, but today I want to dive a little deeper and answer some of the questions that I receive from clients and listeners about feelings.  Feelings are a big part of my coping strategy around my anxiety. Allowing my feelings and facing them has been a game-changer for me. I KNOW the fear that doing this will open the flood gates, that all the feelings will come out and overwhelm. So, in this episode, I address some common fears about acknowledging your feelings.  Listen to the full episode to hear: How to allow your feeling even when you are afraid that it will lead to overwhelming despair  How to acknowledge your feeling when it seems like that will just add to the stress you are already experiencing How our feeling don’t just go away if we ignore them but will show up in other places  How acknowledging our feelings isn't something you have to DO because it is something your body naturally does – you just have to give yourself permission. Links: Episode 119 Coach in Your Pocket Live Happier Website --- Helping people with High Functioning Anxiety is a personal mission for me. I have Visit: https://NancyJaneSmith.comLearn More About Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com