The Happier Approach: Quieting your High Functioning Anxiety

We have all heard this story:  A woman has hit rock bottom. She is burnt out and is experiencing her dark night of the soul. Cornered by life, she feels like she has nowhere to turn.   And then, miraculously, she has some major ah-ha moment–lightning strikes and everything is fixed. Birds sing, everyone breaks out into song, and the struggle is gone.   I used to be addicted to these transformational stories.  These stories gave me hope that permanent change was possible. That one day I would be healed. I would be perfect.  The truth is, these stories of sudden transformative change keep us trapped and miserable. They feed us the lie that if we are still it is because something is wrong with us. They tell us that we haven’t suffered enough or that we haven’t been good enough to be transformed. My guest today, Shannon Siriano Greenwood, went through burnout–she hit her rock bottom and was able to climb back out. But her story is far from simple. It isn’t wrapped in a bow and it isn’t a song and dance number.  Shannon is the founder of Rebelle, a membership organization that brings together women of diverse backgrounds and industries, and Rebelle Con, a boutique conference about wellness, money, community, and creativity. Both of these programs grew out of what Shannon learned going through her own dark night of the soul experience.  Shannon is committed to change and to mental health as an on-going daily practice. As you will hear, some days she nails it and some days she has a lot of room for growth.  Listen to the full episode to hear: Why Shannon’s friends and family did not say anything even though they thought she was pushing too hard What Shannon learned about support and friendships and the struggle to make friends as adults How to manage your energy as an introvert when you are trying to build new relationships How to set boundaries when you have not only a fear of missing out but a fear of hurting people And what Shannon tries to do on a daily basis to help her striveaholic ways  Links: RebelleCon @ssiriano  @rebellecon --- Helping people with High Functioning Anxiety is a personal mission for me. I have a special place in my heart for this struggle because it’s both something I dealt with unknowingly for years, and because it silently affects so many people who think this Visit: https://NancyJaneSmith.comLearn More About Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com

For many years I believed that I could fix my High Functioning Anxiety  I thought that if only I could find the right way to do it, that if I just found the right hack, I could be healed.  But this isn’t how it works. The truth is that we will never be done with our High Functioning Anxiety.  There isn’t a hack that can fix everything. Yes, we can loosen its grip and live a life without it controlling everything but it takes work.  High Functioning Anxiety is an on-going issue and learning to live with it is a daily process.  In December we talked about the 3 characters that play in our minds – the Monger (inner critic), the BFF (the voice of false self-compassion), and the Biggest Fan (the voice of kindness and wisdom) – and about how when we hear our Monger talking and berating us, or our BFF judging other people or sabotaging us, the goal is to bring in the voice of Biggest Fan.  All this month we have been talking about how to do that.  In the past 3 episodes, I introduced A.S.K. and talked about the 3 steps: Acknowledge your feelings, Slow Down and get into your body, and Kindly pull back and see the big picture.  And as I have said before, A.S.K. is more nuanced than just doing these 3 steps. So today I wanted to bring back Abby and hear how she implements A.S.K. around a common problem that I hear from just about everyone: what do we do about the issue of “not having enough hours in the day?” Listen to the full episode to hear: How to use the feelings sheet to acknowledge what you are feeling. How to practice staying in your body and bringing in your Biggest Fan whenever you get frustrated.  How to enlist your Biggest Fan into seeing the big picture And the rewards of doing the hard work of not allowing your Monger to run the show. Links: The Feelings List PDF Episode 119: Acknowledging your feelings Episode 120: Slow down and get into your body Episode 121: Kindly pull back and see the big picture The Happier Approach Visit: https://NancyJaneSmith.comLearn More About Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com

No matter how hard we try to keep up the veneer of perfection, every now and then we make a mistake.  Mistakes happen and when they do, we can be absolutely horrible to ourselves–telling ourselves things like: I'm such a failure, I deserve to be fired, I am a terrible parent.  Sometimes we can even rationalize our way back to knowing that it was a small mistake that truly doesn't matter in the long run.  But then there are the times when we really mess up. When we legitimately make a mistake in a way that really matters. We go against our values, we drop the ball, we let down our spouse.  What happens when we really mess up and can't just rationalize our way out of it? When our inner voice isn't making a mountain out of a molehill? When our inner voice is taking an actual mountain and adding a shame blizzard of epic proportions? How do we ever get past this? What's next?  This episode is about the big mistakes. It's about the concrete steps you can take to move through those situations. Calm your anxiety and feel better.  Today, we're finishing up this three-part series on the A.S.K. method for dealing with your High Functioning Anxiety by examining the third step: kindly pull back and see the big picture. I talk about those real mess-ups, the missed deadlines, the times we scream at our kids or embarrass our husband in front of his boss. The times we really mess up. Can kindness really pull us out of that?  Yes, it can.  If you haven’t already, take the time to go back and listen to the first two episodes in this series: Acknowledging Your Feelings and Slow Down and Get Into Your Body. Listen to the full episode to hear: What to do when we legitimately make a mistake in a way that really matters How no amount of beating yourself up, shaming yourself, or telling yourself how much you suck is going to make those mistakes any better How kindly pulling back to see the big picture allows you to call in the voice of the Biggest Fan and hear from that kind voice of internal wisdom How to lean on the 3 traits of the Biggest Fan – Kindness, Forgiveness, and Curiosity Links: The Feelings List PDF Episode 110: The Voices In Your Head – The Monger Episode 111: The Voices In Your HeadVisit: https://NancyJaneSmith.comLearn More About Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com

To deal with the Monger, you have to get out of your head and get into your body. Most of us live predominantly in our heads. We literally aren’t even aware that we have a body unless it starts to hurt, and then we just take a pill to make it better. Our Monger takes up a lot of space in our heads, so the more time we spend in our heads, the more we stay out of our body and the louder our Monger gets. Last week I introduced A.S.K. and talked about the first step: Acknowledge your Feelings. If you missed it please go back and give it a listen.  This week we are talking about the second step: Slow Down and get into your body.  When we hear our Monger talking and berating us or our BFF judging other people or sabotaging us, the goal is to bring in the voice of Biggest Fan.  One key to channeling your Biggest Fan is getting into your body. When we can slow down and get into our bodies, we change our perspective. By changing our physical presence, we can see more options and the last step – Kindly pull back to see the big picture – can happen with greater ease. Listen to the full episode to hear: How accomplishment and drive can take up the same space as slowing down and intentional living How to create a practical meditation practice that will actually work for you even if you’re not a “super meditator” What the research has to say about slowing down and the mind-body connection And some tips for practicing the Slow Down and getting into your body when it is the last thing you want to do Links: Mind–Body Research Moves Towards the Mainstream – Vicki Brower The Feelings List PDF Episode 110: The Voices In Your Head – The Monger Episode 111: The Voices In Your Head – The BFF Episode 112: The voices In Your Head – The Biggest Fan The Happier Approach Book I’ve been working with women like you living with hidden anxiety every day for over 20 years as a coach and counselor. I wrote The Happier Approach to give you a framework for dealing with your anxiety and start living happier. The Happier Approach will help you understand the voices in your head andVisit: https://NancyJaneSmith.comLearn More About Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com

Today, we are starting our month-long discussion of A.S.K. with the first step of the system: Acknowledge Your Feelings.  But first, I have a confession: I dislike 3 step self-help systems.  Not because they don’t work but because they overly simplify very nuanced and individualized processes.  This can be challenging for people with High Functioning Anxiety. We love rules. We love a guide–a simple system that we can follow to the exact letter, making everything feel better.  A.S.K.–my very own 3-step system for reducing your anxiety–appears to do that. It seems to offer a simple solution to our struggles with anxiety. But, as you will hear this month, there is complexity below the surface this seemly simple solution.  This is why I encourage you to think of the system of A.S.K. as the bare minimum–the basic foundation, from which you can jump off of to make this process your own.  After 2 years of teaching these concepts, I wanted to revisit them and expand on what I talked about previously, adding in some fresh tips. Once you have listened to this episode, you can revisit where I have talked about these 3 steps in previous episodes (episodes 72, 73 and 74),  Listen to the full episode to hear: A basic overview of the 3 steps of A.S.K. Acknowledge what you are feeling Slow down and get into your body Kindly pull back to see the big picture Some scenarios of the practice of acknowledging your feelings in action What role self-loyalty plays when acknowledging your feelings What it looks like when people with High Functioning Anxiety avoid feeling their feelings (are you a brooder of bottler?) How owning your feelings after years of avoidance and pushing them down takes time Links: Emotional Agility by  Dr. Susan David My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist’s Personal Journey by Jill Bolte Taylor Visit: https://NancyJaneSmith.comLearn More About Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com

I have often fallen for the trap of thinking that a new system–a new calendar, a new journal, a new app–was all that I needed to keep me organized and bring order to the chaos.  But all around me are piles of half-filled calendars, abandoned bullet journals, and long lost apps–the evidence of well-meaning systems that I started only to later abandon. I know that it isn’t a flaw in the systems that’s the problem. It’s my own lack of commitment to these systems that is the problem. I know this truth, and yet I still struggle to live in that place. It is so much easier to just blame the freaking system. In January we are inundated with the new year, new you message. It is a time when starting a new system for change is particularly alluring. And all this month we have been taking a different look at how change works.  We’ve covered: setting New Year’s resolutions without succumbing to the hype, working through our challenges so that we can live a life that is true to our values, what Mr. Rogers can teach us about slowing down and being present, and how the concept of Spialling Up can be applied to a life long of growth and change.  I thought it would be nice to end the month on a conversation with Tonya. Tonya Dalton is a productivity expert, author, speaker, and founder of inkWELL Press Productivity Co, a company centered around productivity tools and training.  So, of course, when I started reading her book, The Joy of Missing Out, I was hopeful that Tonya could fix me with a shiny new system for finding joy in doing less. I soon realized that wasn't the case.  Instead, Tanya gets it. She understands the struggle. She isn’t about some “all you have to do is follow my system and you will be cured” way of thinking.  As you know, like most of my clients, my BS meter is pretty, and when I was reading Tonya’s book, it was like Tonya was reading my mind. Every objection I had, she had a way to make it approachable and doable.  Listen in to see which ones I've added to my life, and at the end of the interview, I'll share how it's still going.  Listen to the full episode to hear: What Tonya has to say about our love with the to-do list and how to think about it differently.  Why Tonya is Visit: https://NancyJaneSmith.comLearn More About Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com

Do you ever feel like you're repeating the same lessons over and over again? Do you feel like the stuff you worked on 5, 10, or even 20 years ago has a way of coming back, even though you thought you'd found the solution?  There's a very good reason for that and, no, it’s not because you're broken. It’s because change isn’t one and done. It’s ongoing. It’s because of a concept that I call Spiralling Up.  It can often feel like we are relearning the same lesson over and over, but really we're experiencing a different level of that lesson–new situation, new challenges at a new level of insight.  Change is like ascending a spiral stare case that presents us with new challenges the higher we climb. It’s not that we are relearning an old lesson, it’s that through life we are being presented with a new and higher level of that lesson.  In this episode, we're going to look at how change works and specifically how the concept of Spirally Up can be applied to the life long project of growth and change. How you can step up to new challenges with a new perspective and remind yourself that you aren't failing–you're just spiraling up. Listen to the full episode to hear: How having to re-visit life-lesson does not mean that we are broken How, while we do repeat lessons, we don’t unlearn all we have implemented before. We repeat the lesson one step up with a new perspective, new challenges, and new information What to do when we get stressed and overwhelmed and our triggers and patterns are more likely reveal themselves What the research shows about the change that results from our life experiences, and how that change often leans in a positive, helpful direction How the process of change takes an unpredictable, non-linear path Links: Brent Rogers’ researcher on change Dr. Kelly McGonigal’s Tedx talk --- Working with me using my Coach in Your Pocket is perfect for those spiraling up lessons. You have done therapy, you have learned your triggers, examined your past you know you are Spiraling up but your Monger and High Functioning Anxiety are still running the show. Helping people with High Functioning Anxiety is a personal mission for me. I have a special place in my heart for this struggle because iVisit: https://NancyJaneSmith.comLearn More About Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com

Have you ever sat in a movie theater and been blown away by a single quote? One little line just floats into your brain and holds on for dear life? This happened to me last Thanksgiving watching the new movie about Mr. Rogers, It’s A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood, and I have been thinking about it ever since. In the scene, Lloyd Vogel, a cynical journalist who has been assigned to do a profile on Mr. Rogers, is calling to set up their first meeting. He is shocked to have Fred Rogers answer the phone. Not his assistant, not his handler, Mr. Rogers himself. Lloyd, not wanting to waste the time of an important person, suggests they set another time to talk. Surely Mr. Rogers has more important things to do.  And here is what blew me away: In response to this suggestion, Mr. Rogers says, “What do you think is the most important thing in the world for me right now? To speak on the phone to Lloyd Vogel.”   When I heard this line I audibly gasped. The quote got me thinking: How often do I miss conversations or important moments because, in my head, I am already moving on to the next thing? How often does my worrying about what comes next distract me from the important things that are happening right there in the present moment?  Almost all my clients have mentioned to me how hard the month of January can be. For a variety of reasons–the darkness, the packing up of the holidays for another year, the inundation of self-improvement New-Year-New-You messages–this time of year can be challenging.  This is why my goal this month is to give you different ways to think about this New-Year-New-You crap and reframe how you think of change and self-improvement.  Today’s episode is about slowing down and being in the present moment. One of our greatest teachers of this concept is Mr. Rogers and so I thought it would be fitting to do an episode about Mr. Rogers’s effect and some of the ways he has taught me to be present. Listen to the full episode to hear:   How to use the Most Important Thing Test as a way to check in with ourselves and practice mindfulness What the difference and similarities between mindfulness and meditation are How the test helps us be gentle and stop mentally beating ourselves up How to use the test to identify if something is even important How when we don’t acknowledge our feelings we spend all of our time trying to ignore them And how acknowledging our feelings is much easier than we are making it out to be     Links: Name Your Values Worksheet Visit: https://NancyJaneSmith.comLearn More About Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com

Today, I want to share a cautionary tale. A few days ago I said to my husband: “Maybe we should shake things up this year. Do something crazy. Sell our house, move to Hawaii… SOMETHING BIG.” He looked at me blankly. “What about our families?” he asked. “What about our friends? What about your business? Besides, I like it here. I like our life. We do big things in little ways all the time.” And it hit me–I had yet again got sucked into the New Year, New You crap– “When-Then Syndrome.”  I had been reading the inspirational memes on social media–people planning on moving to exotic locations, quitting toxic jobs, losing weight, getting in shape–and my Inner Monger was getting louder and louder.  All of these promises of a new and perfect life were making me feel like I wasn’t enough–like I was missing out.  I was getting drawn into comparing myself to all the people who were making BIG change and I was twisting it into a ‘you are not good enough’ mantra. I was stuck in a cycle of comparisonitis. I let that realization sink in for a bit: my instinct to make a big change or do something impulsive was really just a mental reflex to our New Year, New You culture. But when I think about what I value most in my life–empathy, relationships, laughter, integrity, compassion–I can see that the life I lead is a reflection of those values.  My nearest and dearest was right: I love our life.   Yes, I wish we had more adventures. Yes, I wish we had fewer restrictions on our time. Yes, I wish this living intentionally, having self-compassion and empathy and showing up for life was a little easier. But overall, I love the messy imperfection that is my life.  I love that I have a life based on my values, and when things get messy and confusing, I can come back to them and remind myself, yes, right now this is what I want for my life. In today’s episode, I explore how values are the foundation of your life. How they are the guiding principles on which everything else builds. And how when we work through our anxiety to narrow our down our list of values, we can use them to find what is most important to us.  Listen to the full episode to hear:   How naming your values is one of the best ways to bring yourself back to what is most important  How when you can get honest with yourself and name your values, they will become the new standards of how you live your life How to narrow your values down to a list of 5 values that are unique to you How to let go of the guilt of not sharing someone else’Visit: https://NancyJaneSmith.comLearn More About Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com

Eating too much sugar? No problem! In January I will cut back. Not working out? No problem! In January I will hit the gym. Postponing our plans for change looks great under the glow of the holiday lights. But when we wake up each year on January 1st, hungover from too much celebrating, realizing with dread, that all of our plans for change in the New Year need to magically start RIGHT NOW, it is a very different story.  All of the plans that we have been putting off until the New Year are suddenly very real and very pressing. We need to get it together and act before our Monger catches on. The deadline had arrived. For people with High Functioning Anxiety, the days leading up to the New Year are days full of possibility. Set the resolution, do the prep work, and, poof like magic, we will be different people.  No wonder we are so depressed come the first week of January when we realize that the change we want is only going to happen with work and that the work is going to be hard.  We were so focused on how amazing it would be once the change was done that we didn’t take into account what it would actually take to stop eating sugar or to work out every morning. We didn’t take into account the process of change.   Throughout the month of January, we will be discussing this process of change with helpful tips and strategies for making small changes in your life without all the hype.  Today we will be talking about why resolutions are so triggering and what the research shows for setting helpful resolutions.  Listen to the full episode to hear: Why New Year’s can be very anxiety-inducing for people with High Functioning Anxiety What the research actually shows about making resolutions for change in the New Year What we can do about it once we know the research and identify our own tendencies  5 tips for not falling prey to the romance of New Year’s eve How to embrace this New Year with a fresh outlook, new tools, and--yes--a happier approach.  Links: Research by University of Scranton Psychology Professor John C. Norcross, Ph.D https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/2980864 https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11920693 Research by Ayelet Fishbach, University of Chicago, and Visit: https://NancyJaneSmith.comLearn More About Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com