The Happier Approach: Quieting your High Functioning Anxiety

In these unprecedented times… In these uncertain times… Now more than ever… UGH.  The language of 2020 is getting old.  But it’s getting old because we are running out of words to describe the anxiety, overwhelm, fear, and uncertainty that we are living through right now in July of 2020.  It’s not just anxiety-provoking for us as adults but also for the next generation. Statistics show that the strain of our world is taking a toll on our children.   A few months ago, one of my clients asked if I’d seen the Atlantic article about childhood anxiety—they were convinced that they were totally messing up their kids!  Of course, I read the article and it inspired me to reach out to parenting expert (and childhood friend of mine!) Renee Mattson. I wanted to find out her thoughts on how we’re impacting our kids and how we can better parent them through these anxious times.  Renee is the owner and founder of Child in Bloom, a coaching business for parents and teachers. She’s a mother of three, a licensed intervention specialist for children with specific learning and behavior needs, licensed educator for elementary and gifted children, parent coach, adjunct faculty member at Xavier University, and trainer and coach for educational professional development.  Listen to the full episode to hear: Helpful ways to not pass along your anxiety to your kids Why clear boundaries, empathy, and compassion are so important How a lack of time has made over accommodating an even bigger problem and how to approach it The idea that our children are craving an adult in the room and too often we treat them like mini-adults Learn more about Renee Mattson: Child In Bloom Child In Bloom on Facebook Learn more about Nancy: What Happened to American Childhood? Coach in Your Pocket The Happier Approach Book Visit: https://NancyJaneSmith.comLearn More About Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com

In the self-help/personal development world, the idea of stories—and the stories we tell ourselves—is seen as a negative thing.  The message is: if we were better people, then we would know all of our “stories”—and if we are honest about them, they wouldn’t get in our way and hold us back from living our full potential.  Instead, we could change our limiting beliefs by simply “changing the story.”  That phrase drives me crazy. As if it’s that easy to change your story!  And while the self-help world might portray stories as a challenge to overcome or as an opportunity to rewrite, I have always seen it differently: stories are what make us the amazing, unique humans that we are.  Today, I’m so excited to introduce Hillary Rea to you. She is a storyteller by trade and has a refreshingly different take on the stories that we tell ourselves, the stories we tell about ourselves to others, and the stories that others tell about us.  Hillary is the founder of Tell Me A Story, a full-service communication consulting business that trains entrepreneurs, leaders, and change-makers to use the art of storytelling as a powerful communication tool. She is also the producer and host of Rashomon, a narrative storytelling podcast in which one family shares every side of the same story.  Listen to the full episode to hear: How our stories play a role in our lives and how Hillary has found that telling them NOT changing them is how we find freedom How telling our stories helps us build self-loyalty which is key to dealing with our high functioning anxiety Her love of storytelling and why it is so important to her and the larger world What Joseph Campbell’s Hero Journey might be lacking in and what Hillary teaches about the 5 facets of storytelling  Learn more about Hillary: tellmeastory.info Join the Speak Up Newsletter Roshomon Podcast Instagram: Tell Me A Story Learn more about Nancy: Coach in Your Pocket Visit: https://NancyJaneSmith.comLearn More About Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com

There are numerous definitions of boundaries.  One of them is that boundaries serve as expectation management. At its core, it’s quite simple: boundaries create an expectation for what I can expect from you and, conversely, what you can expect from me.  Healthy boundaries create healthy expectations and are truly essential for any kind of relationship—but people with high functioning anxiety really struggle with setting them for a number of reasons.  They think that people won’t like them. There might be conflict.  It might mean they hurt someone’s feelings. Ouch.  But when setting boundaries, any of the above can happen—but it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t follow through. In fact, boundaries are one way we can be both clear and kind with others.  If that feels counterintuitive to you, I recommend giving this episode a listen. Today, I’m discussing the importance of boundaries with Randi Buckley.  Randi is a leadership mentor, author, and podcaster who offers a different way of thinking for something more. She is also the creator of the group- and self-led programs, Healthy Boundaries for Kind People, The Deep, and Maybe Baby. and works with wildly intelligent individuals and organizations, and is a curator of context, nuance, and discernment.  Listen to the full episode to hear: Why using mind reading to keep the peace often leads to bigger blow-ups What it means to carry the emotional weight for other people, how we naturally do it, and, more importantly, how to stop How the break down of setting boundaries is more than just saying no The difference between people-pleasing and kindness (and why one undermines boundaries while the other does not) Learn more about Randi: randibuckley.com Sideways Truth Podcast Instagram: @randi.buckley Learn more about Nancy: Visit: https://NancyJaneSmith.comLearn More About Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com

Hanging with a friend in the backyard. Cooking dinner.  Relaxing with my husband.  Driving to pick up food and sitting at the traffic light. During a conference call with a colleague.  Countless times throughout the day when I’m feeling uninspired, vigilant, or bored.  These are just a few of the times social media has infiltrated my life in the past few days.  Social media continually takes me away from the experiences and relationships I really value—over and over again.  The thing about social media is that it's supposed to make you feel more connected to people you care about... but ends up taking you away from the moments you spend with them. That’s why I’m leaving social media.  Listen to the full episode to hear: The thought process that went behind leaving social media for good 3 main reasons why I wanted to stay on social media (and what I realized) The 2 rules I used to be more intentional and thoughtful about my decision to leave  Links: Coach in Your Pocket The Happier Approach Book Live Happier Website Instagram: @nancyjane_livehappier Avoiding Through Social Media with Founder of SkillsCamp Bailey Parnell -- Working with me using my Coach in Your Pocket is perfect for those spiraling up lessons. You have done therapy, you have learned your triggers, examined your past you know you are Spiraling up but your Monger and High Functioning Anxiety are still running the show. Helping people with High Functioning Anxiety is a personal mission for me. I have a special place in my heart for this struggle because it’s both something I dealt with unknowingly for years, and because it silently affects so many people who think this is just how it is.  But this isn't how it is.   There is hope if you struggle with High Functioning AnxietyVisit: https://NancyJaneSmith.comLearn More About Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com

What’s the point?  Why bother?  Who cares?  It will never change… Have you ever caught yourself uttering those words?  Perhaps you’ve said these to yourself when considering a career change or launching a creative project or even making a self-care plan. I know I have!  These questions can also be considered along the lines of what’s happening across the nation right now with social justice and equality.  Sometimes, we are so afraid of taking imperfect action and doing it wrong that we simply don’t bother at all. Instead, we stay stuck by not taking action at all and rehashing the ways we did it wrong in the past.  But we can do it differently.  We can take small, measured, imperfect action.  We can make progress toward desire. Today’s guest, Jennifer Louden, is an expert in doing it differently. She is a personal growth pioneer and author of Why Bother?, helping readers discover the desire for what’s next in their lives. As an entrepreneur and educator, Jennifer has offered women’s retreats for over 25 years and reaches over 20,000 subscribers weekly.  Listen to the full episode to hear: Why Jennifer was inspired to write the book, Why Bother? How she realized that “holding her mistakes close” was actually holding her back How our past—especially without family of origin—affects our current lives Why it’s important to go beyond the idea that all of our creative endeavors must be useful or practical (and how that believe holds us back from trying new things) Learn more about Jennifer: JenniferLouden.com Jennifer’s Book, Why Bother? Instagram: @jenlouden Facebook: Jennifer Louden Learn more about Nancy: Coach in YouVisit: https://NancyJaneSmith.comLearn More About Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com

My Monger is always in my ear, saying: You got this.  And while, to some, “I got this” might sound like empowered thinking, when it’s coming from my Monger, it certainly is not.  Instead, it’s a clue that I’m on auto-pilot mode.  Here’s what I mean: Recently, after a full day of work, I was making dinner for my husband and doing a load of laundry at the same time. Telling my husband to plate up, I rushed downstairs to “flip a load,” as I call it.  This is when my Monger started chiming in. “Hurry up!” it said. “You told your husband dinner was ready and now you’re downstairs messing with the laundry!” And it struck me: I’d worked all day, cooked dinner, and now I was doing laundry—and my Monger was STILL going to shame me for not doing it fast enough?! Good grief!  But stories like this are common for me. For years, I lived in that message. I call this the catch-22 of “I got this.” Listen to the full episode to hear: 3 ways to avoid this endless spiral of “I got this” thinking Why operating on autopilot is harmful—especially with high functioning anxiety How our Monger distorts our perspective And how that can affect our relationship with ourselves and with others Links: Coach in Your Pocket The Happier Approach Book Live Happier Website Instagram: @nancyjane_livehappier -- The Happier Approach Book I’ve been working with women like you living with hidden anxiety every day for over 20 years as a coach and counselor.   I wrote The Happier Approach to give you a framework for dealing with your anxiety and start living happier.   The Happier Approach will help you understand the voices in your head and what to do with them. It’s not another woo-woo self-help book that asks you to think positively and live your best life. It’s a practical guidebook for getting out of survival mode and finding a genuinely happy and productive life.   Know someone who has High Functioning Anxiety and a VERY LOUD Monger, the Happier Approach makes a great gift.    Find The Happier Approach on Visit: https://NancyJaneSmith.comLearn More About Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com

Which of these examples looks like a day of self-care for you? A hike through the woods with your nearest and dearest and a picnic lunch. A rambunctious night of games, drinks, and pizza with friends. Sleeping in and having coffee in bed, followed by a granola bowl on the back deck. A chance to read your new fiction book, some yard work, and a barbeque on the grill.  Canceling plans to go canoeing because you just don’t feel good and need to rest. Staying in bed all day, watching movies.  We have a set definition of what self-care should look like. But the reality is that any and all of the above ideas can be self-care!  For those of us with High Functioning Anxiety, we struggle with self-care. I mean, soul-nourishing, true downtime, really-giving-back-to-ourselves kind of self-care.  And yet our lack of self-care keeps us stuck in over-functioning and a lack of self-loyalty.  Sound familiar? That’s why this month we’re talking about what keeps you stuck and how self-care (and lack thereof!) is one of those things.  My guest today is Mara Glatzel, MSW, an intuitive coach, writer, and podcast host who helps perfectionists and people pleasers reclaim their sovereignty. She’s a queer, femme wife and mother of two, recovering control freak, and a human who deeply understands the impulse to relegate her needs to the bottom of a very long to-do list in an attempt to prove her worth.  Mara also teaches everything she knows about identifying, honoring, and advocating for your needs in her 9-month online program, Tend. You can access her free training Revive: Self-Care That Works, hang with her on Instagram, or tune in to her weekly podcast, Needy. Listen to the full episode to hear: Her tagline redefining self-care and reclaiming sovereignty and what that means to her How to prioritize yourself when you have overly prioritized others How self-accountability is an act of self-love Why “needs” is such a bad word in our society and how she is reclaiming needs as a good thing Learn more about Mara: MaraGlatzel.com Revive: Self-Care That WorksVisit: https://NancyJaneSmith.comLearn More About Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com

“You should be grateful,” they say.  “It isn’t that bad. I’m just whining,” you tell yourself.  “I shouldn’t be so negative. I have so much to be positive about in my life.”  Man, oh, man! We really beat ourselves up for not being able to stick with positive thoughts all the time. The minute we start to feel negativity—like fear, anger, or doubt—we’re trained to step in with positivity.  Yet anger, sadness, and doubt have things to teach us. If we skip right over these “negative emotions,” we never get to experience life on a deeper level.  Today, I’m thrilled to talk with Danielle Brooker who helps busy, always-on women ditch stress and reclaim their joy. She owns The Daisy Patch, where she offers private coaching and group masterminds as well as digital courses. She also hosts the podcast, Let It Shine, and is a Forbes.com contributor.  In this episode, Danielle and I totally geek out about the differences between joy, happiness, and positive thinking. There is so much good stuff here and I can’t wait for you to hear it.  Listen to the full episode to hear: What the difference is between joy and happiness How joy and positive thinking work together yet how they are completely different How you can be uncertain and feel really bad and at the same time experience joy Why she refers to her online home as The Daisy Patch  Learn more about Danielle: The Daisy Patch Website Instagram: thedaisypatchcoaching LinkedIn: Danielle Brooker Learn more about Nancy: Coach in Your Pocket Live Happier Website Instagram: @nancyjane_livehappier Podcast Recommendations: Visit: https://NancyJaneSmith.comLearn More About Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com

Today, we’re talking about doing things the “Right Way” and—surprise!—how there’s no such thing.  Unsurprisingly, many of my clients live for “doing it right.”  For them, there is nothing more amazing as hearing: Yes, you’re doing it right. In fact, one of the most popular phrases I hear from clients is: I did okay, right? They’re always looking for affirmation that they did it right.  So why is the need to do things the “Right Way” such a common experience of people with High Functioning Anxiety?  Doing it right, following the rules, and being a good girl keeps us from criticism. And growing up—either in our family of origin or through school and church—we learned that following the rules earns us LOTS of praise.  Not only that, but it protects us from the anxiety of not knowing what to do next. It keeps us safe—at least that’s what we convince ourselves of.  What rules have you created for yourself? Let’s explore this together in this week’s episode and find out what we can do about it.  Listen to the full episode to hear: Why there is no such thing as doing things the “right way”  How the quest for doing things the “right way” leads to judging others What we miss out on when we constantly try to do things the “right way” How curiosity is key if we’re trying to understand why we’re afraid of getting things wrong Links: Coach in Your Pocket Live Happier Website Instagram: @nancyjane_livehappier --- During the pandemic, I'll be offering a mini version of my Voxer work. Nothing too intense. Nothing too coachy. Just a chance for you to vent, talk about what's most pressing, and have a neutral third party on the phone for right now.  I'm calling it Coach In Your Pocket: Just Checking In Version. Rather than a 3-month commitment to you completely regroup on your anxiety, Coach In Your Pocket: Just Checking In Version is a simple monthly program geared to help you stay sane during this time.  Visit: https://NancyJaneSmith.comLearn More About Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com

Honestly, I have always had a mixed relationship with creativity.  I have almost always loved it and thought to myself, I want to do that more! And then months, years pass before I actively pursue something creative. Why? My Monger’s message of perfectionism and practicality always gets in the way: “She tries but she has no talent”.  “What are you going to do with it? You are going to have all these art projects and nowhere to put them.” “You have to drag all the art supplies out and spend MORE money on creative. Get real.” I get in my own way.  This is why I wanted to talk to someone who deals with High Functioning Anxiety and is still able to pursue creativity for a living. Today, I am talking with Beryl Young of Momtography. She is a mom, photographer, teacher, and creator of popular classes to support parents in capturing the life they love. A former elementary school teacher by day, she’s taken her experience in education and photography and brought a message of creativity, resilience, connection, and fulfillment for camera lovers young and old. Beryl’s work has been featured on The Huffington Post, PicMonkey, Mpix, and Digital Photography School. She’s taught hundreds of moms around the globe how to use their camera to its fullest potential and connect in deeper ways to the people they love most in the world. Listen to the full episode to hear: When Beryl realized that she had High Functioning Anxiety and how it shows up in her life  How she got around the perfectionism that can get in the way of creativity and gave herself permission to create How creativity helps her manage her anxiety What self-care looks like to her Beryl’s Links: Momtogtraphy Free Capture What Matters Workshop Instagram: @momtographyceo Understanding Girls With AD/HD by Kathleen G. Nadeau Nancy’s Links: Coach in Your Pocket Live Happier Website Instagram: Visit: https://NancyJaneSmith.comLearn More About Self Loyalty School: https://selfloyaltyschool.com