The Divorce Survival Guide Podcast

I am joined this week by Dr. Shyamala, Podcast Host, Media Expert for National T.V., and founder of The EQ Code, a coaching program for high-performing women who are ready to transform their relationships, so they can execute on their mission at a whole new level. Dr. Shyamala and I geeked out on emotional intelligence, communication styles, and the importance of focusing on the deep work needed in order to get the relationship transformation you desire.  We also talk about how to show up with courage and integrity in your life. Show Highlights Dr. Shyamala helps high-performing women with relationship transformation - she describes her work and what attributes a high-performing woman has. (3:02) Reprogramming your brain and why it is important as a framework for change. (7:56) We know that children are incredibly resilient when it comes to separation and divorce - but what we need to really be aware of is when children are raised inside a home where there are toxic relationship templates being played out. (11:56) Most methods of change fail because most of them are behaviorally centered. (15:22) How to embody a level of transformation in order to live life fully and unapologetically. (21:47) Why toxic positivity is damaging, feeds on our insecurities, and also creates more of them. (26:13) How to Identify beliefs that have been plaguing you for a lifetime. (28:47) Most of us struggle in our relationships because we were never taught to be in one. (32:46) Communication skills become the bridge to relationship management. (36:48) You cannot have a boundary without assertive communication. (37:12) Showing up with courage and integrity in your relationships has nothing to do with the outcome. (45:07) When we are acting out of alignment with our values, integrity, and courage - we become resentment machines. (45:50) Learn More About Dr. Shyamala: Dr. Shyamala is a Clinically-trained Relationship Strategist and has spent the last two decades helping women improve the quality of their lives by transforming their relationships. Her mission is to help women show up as their best self, in every arena of their life. She is the founder of The EQ Code, a high-touch coaching program designed to help high-performing women transform their relationships, so they can execute on their mission at a whole new level.  Shyamala is also the founder of the Kiru Psychotherapy Clinic, a mental health practice dedicated to the entire family system. She spent several years on the Board of Directors for the Ontario Association for Marriage & Family Therapy.   As a speaker, Shyamala provides frequent talks and workshops on a local, national and international scale. Shyamala is a media expert, having appeared on a national television show for nearly a decade and makes guest appearances on CTV, CP24 as well as frequent pieces of print media.  Resources & Links: Dr. Shyamala's website: https://andreaowen.krtra.com/t/R8OAmzFe6aCp Dr. Shyamala's on Instagram: http://instagram.com/dr.shyamalakiru Dr. Shyamala's Facebook Group - The EQ Club: https://www.facebook.com/groups/theeqlab Free 5-day Bootcamp opt-in: Free 5-day intensive: Unlock the Success Habits of High Powered Women: https://pages.shyamalakiru.com/free-event/ TODAY'S EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:THE CENTER FOR DIVORCE EDUCATION https://divorce-education.com/ The Center for Divorce Education is an organization that provides separated parents with the tools and techniques necessary to navigate the difficult task of being a co-parent. They currently offer an online parenting class called Children in Between. Anyone who is co-parenting can benefit from the class. Visit the link above to learn more. JOIN THE SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO FACEBOOK GROUP: https://www.facebook.com/groups/shouldistayorshouldigo/

Our society has conditioned us to think that money is gendered and that men are more competent when it comes to matters of money. Further, society tells us that women, because we're “nurturing or caretaking” are not strong enough to handle money. Amanda Steinberg joins me to turn that idea on its head, talk about women’s financial empowerment, and share a roadmap so you can become financially free.  Amanda’s founded multiple businesses in finance, media, and politics. In 2009, she founded DailyWorth, a startup focused on women’s financial independence and grew its audience and email list to 1.2M email subscribers.  I believe you’ll get a lot from our conversation. But if there is one thing you gain from this episode, I hope it’s this: your thoughts and feelings of powerlessness about money are not your fault. As Amanda shares in this episode, “You were socially conditioned to think that you're bad with money. That is how everyone got to continuously take advantage of you for most of your life. And honestly, how you also got rewarded and praised for being a good girl. So don't beat yourself up.” Phew. What a relief, right? Show Highlights What led Amanda to create a company that focuses on women’s financial independence. (5:26) Amanda shares her own story around money, which started at the age of six. (6:43) We have collective money stories and then we have individual stories. (9:21) Amanda’s thoughts on her vision for men and women during this time of change in which we are liberated from these preconceived notions of who we are supposed to be. (13:57) Busting the cultural myth that men are providers and women are caretakers. (15:00) Financial advice for women going through divorce. (16:56) Amanda created DailyWorth because she wanted to connect women's self-worth to their net worth. (18:29) A women’s roadmap to financial independence. (39:17) Learn More About Amanda: Amanda’s founded multiple businesses in finance, media, and politics. In 2009, she founded DailyWorth, a startup focused on women’s financial independence and grew its audience and email list to 1.2M email subscribers. After DailyWorth was acquired, she moved into politics as the lead digital fundraiser for Marianne Williamson for President. Today she's the Cofounder of HigherU, a digital training company for social impact entrepreneurs. She lives in Philadelphia with her partner, 2 children, 2 stepchildren, and 2 large Maine Coon cats. Resources & Links: HigherU Amanda on Twitter Amanda on Facebook Amanda on Instagram JOIN THE SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO FACEBOOK GROUP

This week I am busting divorce myths with my guest, Eric Broder. Eric is a divorce and family attorney,   and co-founding member and partner at Broder Orland Murray &DeMattie LLC.  In this episode, Eric and I bust myths about no-fault law, modern parenting agreements, assets, and whether or not getting a job will impact your divorce settlement. That’s just some of what we discuss — we cover a lot of ground!  When it comes to divorce advice, everyone has an opinion. In fact, there may be things you have heard or even believed about divorce that aren’t actually true. One of the biggest lessons we uncover in this episode is this: “Don’t get your divorce advice from cocktail talk. Instead, consult with an attorney.”  But first, listen to this podcast episode!! Show Highlights We get right to it and begin busting myths about alimony. (3:47) The importance of consulting with an attorney within your state. (6:28) Myths surrounding no-fault law. For example, fault in some states can matter. (6:57) For stay at home moms, will getting a job prior to divorce impact your settlement? Eric shares his thoughts. (13:43) Eric answers, “Are assets always divided equally?” (17:49) Prenups: what people think they are versus what they actually are. (21:01) The truth about joint custody, full parenting time, and other parenting plans. (28:52) Myths about abandonment of property and moving out prior to divorce. (38:48) Learn More About Eric: Eric is a co-founding member and partner at Broder Orland Murray &DeMattie LLC. He is an AV Preeminent™rated attorney by MartindaleHubbell®, the highest possible rating in both legal ability and ethical standards, earned through a strenuous pier and judicial review procedure. He has also been designated a “Top Lawyer” in Family Law, Matrimonial, Arbitration, and Mediation in Westport, Greenwich, NewCanaan/Darien, and Fairfield Magazines. Eric has been selected as a Connecticut Super Lawyers®in Family Law each year from 2013 to 2020.Each year no more than 5% of the lawyers in the state are selected to receive this honor. Eric’s AVVO™rating is 10 out of 10. Resources & Links: Eric’s website: Broder Orland Murray &DeMattie LLC Our Happy Divorce Weekly Live Stream with Ben Heldfond, Kate Anthony, and Susan Guthrie: Every Monday at 5pm ET/2pm PT - Join us! JOIN THE SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO FACEBOOK GROUP

In many states, courts mandate divorcing parents to take a co-parenting class. And as we often discuss in my Facebook group, many parents leave these court-mandated classes traumatized because the very first thing they teach is that divorce is terrible for your children.  While the research doesn’t support this being true (and you’d think educators in this arena would, you know, read the research), what’s worse is that this is often the very last thing parents who’ve gone through a long and difficult process have to do before finalizing their divorce — and this is what they’re being told?? In response to these types of mandated courses, Dr. Don Gordon has created a program for parents and co-parents that is skill-based, takes a non-shaming approach to co-parenting, and is actually helpful.  Dr. Gordon joins me this week to talk about the Center for Divorce Education’s, Children in Between program. He is Co-Founder and Executive Director of the Center for Divorce Education and has over 40+ years of experience as a clinical psychologist and researcher targeting the reduction and prevention of juvenile delinquency. During our conversation, he also shares some of the most important skills co-parents need to use with each other before, during, and after divorce.   “If you are going to go to a parenting class - the point of it is to have better ways of parenting and co-parenting so your behavior changes and improves.” Dr. Don Gordon, PhD Show Highlights How Dr. Gordon learned about the difficulties children experience as a result of divorce and created a course based on his findings. (4:55) One of the most damaging aspects of divorce on children is when parents involve their children in loyalty conflicts. (7:46) Your point of view isn’t necessarily in the best interest of your children. (11:54) The trauma of taking court-mandated courses. (13:55) The most important skills co-parents need to use with each other. (17:38) When you take a step back, you have a chance at controlling what you are putting out. (26:38) For someone who is looking to improve their co-parenting skills and their ex is not reciprocal in their action - what can one do? Remember, YOU are being a role model for your children and that is one of the best reasons to make these changes. (28:40) How parents can take the Center for Divorce Education’s Children in Between program for court-mandated requirements. (41:50) CDE’s High Conflict Solutions program. (45:39) Learn More About Dr. Gordon: Don Gordon is a Co-Founder and Executive Director of the Center for Divorce Education. Dr. Gordon is a 40+ year clinical psychologist and researcher with an area of expertise targeting the reduction and prevention of juvenile delinquency. During his 40 years of working with families, Dr. Gordon has studied the effects that different strategies have on reducing conflict within a family (both with parents and children). In the early 1980’s Dr. Gordon and his colleague Dr. Jack Arbothnot developed the Children in Between curriculum (formerly known as Children in the Middle) which is designed specifically to help change the behaviors of divorcing/separating parents who unknowingly place their children in the middle of their conflict, resulting in the most harmful of consequences which often lead to youth acting out in negative ways. For more than 20 years, Dr. Gordon has been providing parenting and co-parenting curricula that is skills-based, allowing families to take away from each course concrete, actionable steps that can be turned into behavior-changing habits. These results improve the lives of parents, their children, and their family unit overall. Through CDE, Dr. Gordon continues to pursue research that challenges his own assumptions and strives to find best practices that continue to (a) help families reduce their conflict, and (b) help courts by providing families with tools that are proven to shift re-litigation rates and improve communication and interaction. Resources & Links:Center for Divorce EducationCenter for Divorce Education on FacebookThe Good Karma Divorce, Michelle Lowrance TODAY'S EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:THE CENTER FOR DIVORCE EDUCATION The Center for Divorce Education is an organization that provides separated parents with the tools and techniques necessary to navigate the difficult task of being a co-parent. They currently offer an online parenting class called Children in Between. Anyone who is co-parenting can benefit from the class. Visit the link above to learn more. JOIN THE SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO FACEBOOK GROUP

Dr. Shefali, an expert in family dynamics and personal development and NY Times Best-selling author, joins me this week to talk about how to radically awaken yourself from the fear-based patterns women have been raised into and instead embrace our truths and live free.  We explore many of the glitches in psychological armor that keep women from daring to speak up. Dr. Shefali also helps us to understand why we are giving up our power every day of our lives—to food, to self-loathing, or to other people. As Dr. Shefali says, “If we don’t see it and name it, we will forever be devoured by it.” Show Highlights A radical awakening to cultural conditioning women have been raised into. (5:57) The childhood abduction of our authentic self. (8:40) Why women are prone to living on a hamster wheel of life and how to stand in the power of your worth instead. (13:38) The tug of war between listening to our inner being versus what culture expects us to be. (17:20) How to get to a place of radical awakening—there is no shame in asking for help. (22:22) Why it is important to break the image of being good, perfect, superwomen. Baring our truth shouldn’t be a maverick move. Being ordinary/average is good. (24:05) The lies about love, marriage, and divorce.  (29:49) What Dr. Shefali means when she says, “Your ego can be betrayed but your essence cannot be.” (31:53) Women have been culturally trained to doubt themselves. We explore how self-doubt gets in the way of deciding whether you should stay or go. (34:37) Learn More About Dr. Shefali: Dr. Shefali received her doctorate in clinical psychology from Columbia University. Specializing in the integration of Western psychology and Eastern philosophy, she brings together the best of both worlds for her clients. She is an expert in family dynamics and personal development, teaching courses around the globe. She has written four books, three of which are New York Times best-sellers, including her two landmark books The Conscious Parent and The Awakened Family.  Oprah has endorsed her work as revolutionary and life-changing. Dr. Shefali’s ground-breaking approach to mindful living and parenting has taken her books to the top of the NY Times best-sellers list. Her blend of clinical psychology and eastern mindfulness sets her apart as a leader in the field of mindfulness psychology.  As an international speaker, she speaks at events around the globe, spreading her message of conscious parenting and mindful living. She also has a private practice where she consults with families and couples.  Resources & Links: Dr. Shefali's website Dr. Shefali on Facebook Dr. Shefali on Instagram @doctorshefali A Radical Awakening - Deep Dive TODAY'S EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: SOBERLINK Proof. Protection. Peace of Mind. The Soberlink remote alcohol monitoring system consists of a portable breathalyzer with wireless technology for real-time results. With proven use as the leading choice in child custody cases since 2011, we are the only system that combines: Court-admissibility in all 50 states Facial recognition Tamper detection Easy-to-read Advanced Reporting™ Trust the Experts in Remote Alcohol Monitoring Technology™ to support the best interests of the child in your Family Law cases. JOIN THE SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO FACEBOOK GROUP

We are so conditioned to expect that Prince Charming will show up on his white horse and deliver us radical intimacy; he will sweep us off our feet and the rest is history. Let’s be real - that's just not how intimacy works.  In fact, as Zoë Kors, a sought-after thought leader on intimacy and sexuality, says  “We are not taught these [intimacy] skills. We are programmed to believe passion, sex, and love happen spontaneously.” Zoë joins me to discuss how to cultivate radical intimacy within ourselves and explore why we expect and often demand something from others we don’t know how to give to ourselves.  We tend to think intimacy is something that requires a lover, but radical intimacy is a rich experience of yourself; and as a result, it allows you to have a rich experience with someone else. Tune in to hear how to embrace a radically intimate life. Show Highlights What Zoe means when she uses the term ‘radical intimacy’. (3:38) Cultivating intimacy and the three areas of intimacy: physical, emotional, and energetic. (7:19) Energetic intimacy and the emotional attachment myth - women believe they are, by nature, are emotionally attached to the people they have sex with. (10:30) Some habits and actions we do disconnect us from our bodies. (21:46) Three ways we run away from pain and feel discomfort: denial, distraction, and deflection. (24:11) Coming out of a marriage is an opportunity to heal and take back your sovereignty. (36:57) The paths of sexual healing and finding safety in your own body. (40:01) How to reignite sexual intimacy within relationships. (42:04) Learn More About Zoë: Zoë is the resident sex and intimacy coach and contributor at Coral, sexual wellness app. Zoë is the former Senior Editor and Creative Director of LA Yoga Magazine. Zoë’s article, 6 Ways to Have Radically Intimate Sex, quickly went viral and is currently at over 2 million views and over 250K Facebook shares.  In addition to a thriving private practice, Zoë offers her services through the Center for Relational Healing, which specializes in the treatment of sex addicts and their partners. As a team member, Zoë works with clients to reintroduce healthy sexuality and intimacy after the trauma of betrayal.    She is a certified Co-Active Coach with the prestigious Co-Active Training Institute in San Rafael, CA. Zoë is initiated in the Sri Vidya tantra lineage. Her work reflects her extensive study of Tantra, Zen Buddhism, Meditation, Yoga, Breathwork, and other Eastern disciplines, which she integrates with more process-oriented modalities of Western psychotherapy and Co-Active Coaching. Resources & Links: Zoe’s websiteZoe on Instagram FREE download from Zoe: 21 Days to Mind-blowing Sex JOIN THE SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO FACEBOOK GROUP

In 2012, my guest, Sara Olsher, packed up her 18-month old daughter, left her marriage, and after four years of intense personal growth, founded a company that sells amazing resources for co-parents and their children. Whether it’s divorce, cancer, death, or any other uncertainty, Sara has worked hard to be comfortable with the profoundly uncomfortable through her company Mighty + Bright. Much of what we discuss in this episode is about how to help our children through a hard situation and ease their anxiety. Because honestly, most kids simply want to know that you’re going to be okay, and want to know how divorce is going to affect them. As  Sara reminds us, “You’re raising resilient kids. This [divorce] is a really hard thing to go through, but every challenge that we have makes us more resilient and that’s true for your kids too. They have your support through it and you’re helping them to be stronger people.” Show Highlights Sara shares the story of her path towards healing after divorce led her into the world of child psychology and into the way that kids’ brains work. (7:45) The inspiration for her first product, a magnetic co-parenting calendar for separation + divorce. (9:58) Sara’s breast cancer diagnosis and the creation of a book about talking to children about cancer. (11:01) How her calendars and books help children get answers to unresolved questions, ease tension, and help them with executive functioning. (17:18)   Learn More About Sara: As a writer, illustrator, and speaker, Sara spends her life creating products to help kids through really hard things at Mighty + Bright, and talking about stuff that makes many people want to crawl into a deep, dark hole. Whether it is divorce, cancer, death, or uncertainty, she has worked hard to be comfortable with the profoundly uncomfortable. Her work has been featured in POPSUGAR, Reader’s Digest, the Mighty, and Good Housekeeping, to name a few, and she has spoken in front of audiences large and small about her experience making major life changes after divorce and cancer. She truly believes that everyone has the strength and resilience to overcome unimaginable hardship and use those lessons to make this world a much better place. Resources & Links: Mighty + Bright website Sara’s website Sara on Instagram Mighty + Bright on Instagram JOIN THE SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO FACEBOOK GROUP

Mira Kirshenbaum, co-founder and clinical director of The Chestnut Hill Institute and author of 'Why Couples Fight,' delves into the emotional dynamics of relationships. She highlights the essential need for partners to feel understood, dubbing it 'the orgasm of intimacy.' Mira introduces the '1-2-3 method' for conflict resolution and discusses how power dynamics can disempower partners. With insights on the Eight Core Experiences of Love, she emphasizes that affection is crucial for connection, offering ways to navigate conflicts effectively.

Dr. Elizabeth Cohen is CEO and Founder of the online divorce course and membership, Afterglow: the Light on The Other Side of Divorce. She is also the author of the book, “Light on the Other Side of Divorce: Discovering the New You,” which is a phenomenal book about how to grow and thrive after divorce.  She joins me this week to discuss aspects of her book, including the need for processing your emotions. Because, love, you need to allow yourself to feel. We also talk about how divorce is trauma. As Dr. Cohen so eloquently stated,  “We hold trauma in our body and divorce is a trauma.  We need to allow the movement of this energy, this fight response through us. We need to in order to be a better parent, to be a better partner, to whoever we work with, to be a better citizen in this world.” Show Highlights Challenging assumptions about divorce, because even in 2021, there is still a stigma about it. (6:08) You have every reason to feel ALL of your feelings. (16:18) So, what are some ways you can express anger? Dr. Cohen shares some ideas. (17:26) Divorce, trauma, and how it affects your entire body.  (22:41) How self-doubt, inner-critic, and dissociation all make it hard to decide whether you should stay or you should go. (27:53) There's no wrong way to go through this process. If you're working with someone and they're telling you; there's a right way and a wrong way, then they're not your person. (29:43) Dr. Cohen shares about her relationship pattern excavator. (31:20) Working through the grief and loss of your marriage is a process. “It’s unpeeling and dealing with the loss over time.” (36:00) Learn More About Dr. Cohen: Dr. Cohen is a clinical psychologist. She is the CEO and founder of the online divorce course and membership Afterglow: The Light at the Other Side of Divorce and the CEO of the Center for CBT in NYC. Dr. Cohen’s online course teaches women how to heal, grow and thrive after divorce no matter how difficult the process has been. Dr. Cohen offers a monthly membership program to provide 1:1 coaching, expert support from divorce professionals, and an engaged community of like-minded people.  Dr. Cohen received her Ph.D. in clinical psychology from Boston University. She was the recipient of the prestigious American Psychological Foundation Research Award for her research on the emotional effects of 9/11.  She has been featured on the Tamron Hall Show, the Wall Street Journal,  NBC News, Women’s Health, Huff Post, Thrive Global, Daily Beast, and Good Housekeeping. Dr. Cohen is a weekly contributor to Psychology Today with her “Divorce Course” column. Dr. Cohen hosts the Divorce Doctor podcast where she interviews people about their divorce experiences. Dr. Cohen’s book based on her Afterglow program entitled, Light at The Other Side of Divorce: Discovering the New You will be published in April 2021.  Resources & Links: Dr. Cohen’s book Dr. Cohen’s website Dr. Cohen on FacebookThe Thrive Fund TODAY’S EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: SOBERLINK Proof. Protection. Peace of Mind. The Soberlink remote alcohol monitoring system consists of a portable breathalyzer with wireless technology for real-time results. With proven use as the leading choice in child custody cases since 2011, we are the only system that combines: Court-admissibility in all 50 states Facial recognition Tamper detection Easy-to-read Advanced Reporting™ Trust the Experts in Remote Alcohol Monitoring Technology™ to support the best interests of the child in your Family Law cases. JOIN THE SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO FACEBOOK GROUP

So, you and your spouse have decided to divorce. You’re now faced with the responsibility of telling your kids. Unfortunately, there is no script for breaking the news to them. This week, I am bringing back my friend and colleague Christina McGhee to walk listeners through the very nuanced step-by-step process of telling your children you’re getting a divorce.   You and your ex are going to be co-parenting for the rest of your lives. Telling your children you’re getting divorced is the first step in parenting apart.   “You can’t take the hurt away. It is going to be hard. How you handle the hard parts is what makes a huge difference for your kids.” Christina McGhee Show Highlights First and foremost, you don’t want to prematurely tell your children you are divorcing. (3:26) Instead, the most important thing is to have a plan - be thoughtful about what you say and when you plan to say it. (4:00) Christina’s thoughts on telling your children you are only separating and then tell them you are getting a divorce at some point in the future. (6:41) Not a one-off conversation, but a series of conversations. (7:42) What do you say - what kind of information do you and don’t you provide. (11:09) Why it is important to make a distinction between romantic love versus love for your children. (16:52) When is it “easiest” for children to hear that you are getting a divorce? Hint: there is never an easy time. (19:01) As a parent, you need to responsibly manage your emotions. Plus, how to plan the conversation if you (or your spouse) is an emotionally vulnerable parent. (26:35) Curbing the desire to share your version of the truth with your kids. Mitigate this action by putting children at the center. (31:09) Learn More About Christina: Christina McGhee is a “media savvy” divorce-parenting expert whose practical advice has been highlighted both online and in print.  Over the years, she has been featured on television, radio, podcasts, tele-summits, and webinars. Some of the places you may have seen her are Today Parents, Parenting Magazine, The Times, Channel 4, the BBC, NYU Doctor Radio, and The Dr. Laura Berman Radio Show on the Oprah Network just to name a few. Christina is an informative and engaging guest who brings insight and strategies to help separating families deal with “real-life” challenges.  As a zealous advocate for children, she does an excellent job of keeping the focus where it belongs…on kids. Christina speaks on a wide range of topics from what to do in the beginning stages of separation to dealing with issues years down the road.  She is also skilled at addressing tough issues like discipline differences, dealing with a difficult ex, high-conflict personalities, badmouthing, and neutralizing divorce drama. Resources & Links: Christina’s website Christina on LinkedIn Christina on Facebook Christina on Instagram Christina’s previous appearance on The Divorce Survival GuideEllen Bruno about her movie Split, on The Divorce Survival GuideThe Thrive Fund