Episode 115: Why Couples Fight with Mira Kirshenbaum

Apr 22, 2021

Mira Kirshenbaum, co-founder and clinical director of The Chestnut Hill Institute and author of 'Why Couples Fight,' delves into the emotional dynamics of relationships. She highlights the essential need for partners to feel understood, dubbing it 'the orgasm of intimacy.' Mira introduces the '1-2-3 method' for conflict resolution and discusses how power dynamics can disempower partners. With insights on the Eight Core Experiences of Love, she emphasizes that affection is crucial for connection, offering ways to navigate conflicts effectively.

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INSIGHT

Feeling Understood Is Key

Feeling understood is the ultimate intimate experience that all couples desire.
Lack of understanding often triggers conflict and resentment in relationships.

INSIGHT

Power Dynamics Fuel Conflict

Power in relationships is about feeling disempowered and reacting to regain control.
Couples unintentionally use many ways to make each other feel powerless, sparking conflict.

ANECDOTE

Apartment Dispute Power Moves

Mira shares a story of a couple clashing over moving to a bigger apartment.
Their power moves to re-empower themselves lead to escalated conflict rather than resolution.

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Many of the women I work with, at some point, have stated that all they wanted in their relationship was to feel understood. As this week’s guest, Mira Kirshenbaum (author of the seminal book, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay) states in her book, Why Couples Fight, “Feeling understood is the orgasm of intimacy.” Mira joins me to talk about the ways in which couples can end conflict, frustration, and resentment in their relationships.

Mira is co-founder and clinical director of The Chestnut Hill Institute in Boston, an internationally recognized center for research and psychotherapy for couples, families, and individuals.

Show Highlights

Unmet needs and the pursuit of getting your needs met. (9:52)
“Power is the nightmare of love.” We have at least 101 ways we make our partner feel disempowered. (17:04)
The Eight Core Experiences of Love and why we must protect, maintain, and nourish all eight of them. “Love without affection is like food without flavor.” (18:20)
The 1-2-3 method - a 3-step process for resolving conflict in any relationship - sets couples up so they are both satisfied. (27:41)
How to get your needs met with someone who is addicted to conflict. (35:36)
Some ways you can provide feedback in a healthy manner. (37:30)
What a power move is and why people use them. (39:19)

Learn More About Mira:

Mira Kirshenbaum is the author of eleven books—including the influential Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay; Parent-Teen Breakthrough; Everything Happens for a Reason; and The Weekend Marriage— that have been translated into over twenty languages, and she is a two-time finalist for the Books for a Better Life award. 

Mira is co-founder and clinical director of The Chestnut Hill Institute in Boston, an internationally recognized center for research and psychotherapy for couples, families and individuals. She has been a workshop leader and trainer for medical professionals at Harvard Medical School and other institutions. She has appeared on 20/20, Today, and CBS Early Show, and has been featured as an expert in O, Cosmopolitan, Vogue, Glamour, and Good Housekeeping.

Resources & Links:

Mira's website Mira on Facebook Mira on Twitter

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