Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

Over the last several months, I have been getting questions from listeners around the issue of trust and how to build trust in a relationship. While trust is fundamental to the success of happy, lasting love, many of us are at a loss of how to develop it. In last weeks episode, I offered you 2 of the 5 tips in how to build trust with your partner. I encourage you to check it out if you missed it. Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples. Trust can feel like such a big, diffuse topic and it can be difficult to pinpoint "what is trust." To help with this, I discuss Brené Brown's talk on The Anatomy of Trust, where she offers important components of trust, which is based on her research and findings. To explain what trust is, Brené Brown gives us an acronym to work with: B.R.A.V.I.N.G. THE ANATOMY OF TRUST, BY BRENÉ BROWN B – Boundaries To know what works for you and what does not work for you, and the ability to set limits with people. We are clear about the other person's boundaries and we respect them. R – Reliability We do what we say we're going to do, and we can reply on each other…over and over again. It also means being aware of our limitations and not committing to more than we can handle. A – Accountability We take responsibility for our part. When we make a mistake, we are willing to own it, apologize for it, and make amends. When the other person makes a mistake, we allow them to own it, apologize for it, and make amends. V – Vault We have discernment of what we share with others. We hold each other confidence. In our relationship, we both show that we acknowledge confidentiality by also not sharing secrets third parties have shared with us. I – Integrity We behave in ways that are consistent with our values and priorities, even if it is uncomfortable, inconvenient, and/or difficult. We choose what is right over what is easy and fun. Integrity is "practicing your values, not just professing them" by Brené Brown. N – Non-Judgement When I am vulnerable, I can turn to you. I know you will be there for me when I am struggling or hurting. I know I will be there for you when you are down, in pain, or having a difficult time. We foster a safe space by withholding judgment and offering care. G – Generosity We have each other's best interest in mind. We believe in each other and we give each other the benefit of the doubt. In moments, where we have wonder and question about something, we make a generous assumption or at least suspend judgment. Check out Brené Brown's talk on The Anatomy of Trust to hear her stories and description as she breaks down the components of trust. Next week, I will offer you 3 of the 5 tips in HOW to build trust with your partner. MENTIONED: ERP 118: How to build trust with your partner (podcast) Brené Brown's The Anatomy of Trust (video of her talk) Photo by Dane Deaner on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 119: How To Build Trust With Your Partner Part Two [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Trust is what helps couples feel safe together, safe to be vulnerable, and safe to deepen in their intimacy. Yet, trust takes time and skill to build. Many of us get tripped up along the way. Trust is "a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something." Google LISTENER'S QUESTION: "After listening to your podcasts I've realized I don't completely trust my wife's decisions anymore. That's something I never consciously was aware of before, but realize it's been hidden and I've felt it, but didn't understand it. How do I manage that?" In the next two episodes, I am going to offer 5 tips in how to build trust with your partner. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) Let's use the Trust Fall exercise as an analogy as we look at how to develop a solid foundation for trust in relationship. TIPS TO DEVELOPING TRUST IN RELATIONSHIP 1. Clarifying Your Agreements: Are you in? Who is doing what? How are we are going to work together? Look at your expectations. Expectations play a big role in how we evaluate trust, satisfaction, and happiness in relationship. Be honest about what you can do and what you cannot do. LISTENER'S QUESTION: "I absolutely love your pod and look forward to your posts. I have one big relationship issue at the moment. The issue started when my boyfriend and I decided to live together in the near future and have been discussing finances. His father manages all of his financial decisions and my boyfriend wants his father to manage my finances. We've discussed my concerns of his father's potential bias toward him, his son, which turns into a discussion about "trust" i.e. "do you not trust me to have our best interest in mind?" I trust him or myself to arrange our finances, but I don't want to answer to his father about any and all financial decisions. Thank you for sharing your guidance through your pods. Regards," DR. JESSICA HIGGINS' RESPONSE: Your not wanting your boyfriend's father to manage your finances doesn't have to be a trust issue. It can be about what you each want and don't want. You may still be negotiating your agreements. If I understand your question correctly, you may want: Clean and clear boundaries. His father is not a neutral party. Therapists, lawyers, and doctors typically do not work with family members because they are too involved and not able to be as objective. Relationships are complicated enough as it is.You may not want to add another layer of complexity, so that you can focus on making decisions with your boyfriend and doing what is best for your relationship. You may want to have some level of privacy. You may not want your boyfriend's father to be privy to your personal financial information. Similarly, if your boyfriend's father was the best gynecologist in town, you still may not want to get an exam with him. What are your boyfriend's needs? It might be good to explore these questions Is there a reason why his father manages his finances now? Is his father incredibly savvy and skilled with finances? Could he learn from his father? Can he develop some skills in this area? Could it be possible to utilize his father's knowledge, experience, and wisdom in another way? Is there a reason why he does not make his own financial decisions? Could another person do the job as well as his father? TIPS TO DEVELOPING TRUST IN RELATIONSHIP CONT. 2. Create Safety: Agreements create the foundation for safety. Build reliability. Is your partner going to be there for you? Are you going to be there for your partner? People typically have good intentions. Know your limitations. Be aware of your strength and abilities. Get support and reinforcement, if you need it. Give feedback about what would help you show-up more fully. Stay tuned for the next episode to get 3 more tips in how to build trust with your partner. MENTIONED: Making And Keeping Agreements To Strengthen Your Relationship (podcast) Expectations In Relationship (5 Considerations You Want To Be Aware Of) (podcast) Expectations In Relationship (5 Considerations Your Want To Be Aware Of) Part 2 (podcast) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 118: How To Build Trust With Your Partner [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

GUEST DR. PETER PEARSON In preparing for this interview, Dr. Peter Pearson and I had conversation to discuss the topic for today's show. We also talked about some of his accomplishment, so that I could introduce him to you today. He gave me his top five professional achievements: Having worked with couples, an average of 25 hours a week for over 30 years. Writing books with his wife, Ellyn Bader​, one book ​is ​for therapists called In Quest of the Mythical Mate, which describes the developmental approach to working with couples. Being on The Today Show, Good Morning America, CBS Morning Show and being written about in The New York Times, Redbook, and 50 other major news media. Training therapists around the world in their developmental model. "I'm proud most of the fact that Ellyn and I have lived together and worked together building The Couples Institute. Individually, both endeavors are challenging. Being married and working together combining them, means you got to practice what you preach and that's not easy or simple." (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) 3 STRATEGIES TO CREATING A STRONG MARRIAGE BY DR. PETER PEARSON: 1. Vision: What kind of marriage do you want to be in? What kind of marriage do you want to create? The kind of marriage that makes you glad to see each other at the end of the day. 2. Skills: Marriage requires a higher level of skill to communicate, to negotiate, to connect emotionally, especially to be curious under pressure. 3. Commitment: Commitment requires will. What is your level of commitment to apply what you learn? Instead of just making a commitment to stay together, what would it be like to make a commitment is to grow together? IMPORTANT POINTS FROM DR. PETER PEARSON: In the early stages of relationship, couples have conversations about the things they want to do, places they want to go, and who they aspire to be. Partners love learning about each other. But, over time, that vision begins to fade into the routine and demands of everyday life. "Be curious instead of furious." How you handle yourself under stress that is what determines the strength and future of your marriage. AND you can increase your ability to react under pressure and think clearly under pressure if you do it as a team. A couple working as a team is "two highly interdependent individuals, who have mutually identified, and agreed upon goals and they hold themselves individually accountable to reach those goals." T.E.A.M. Together. Each. Accomplishes. More. Elite teams have a vision bigger then themselves. They have a shared vision and a common purpose for bringing it about. A marriage is the only interdependent relationship that is non-hierarchical. It is the most interdependent relationship we will ever be in. We all have to learn to be in a non-hierarchical relationship. Every goal that really stretches us into new territory will trigger a different part of us that will feel anxious, nervous, unprepared, unskilled, etc. What is required is faith and courage. Courage is the common denominator of all growth. "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear. – Franklin D. Roosevelt" DR. PETER PEARSON SHARES TWO EXERCISES: Crafting your vision for your future (download "The Adam & Eve Guide" below). Top Ten (download "The Adam & Eve Guide" below). MENTIONED: Return To Eden: The Adam & Eve Guide to Improving Your Relationship(study guide opt-in) Couples Institute (website) Couples Institute Training (website) The First Love Story: Adam, Eve, and Us (Amazon link) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 117: How To Work Together As A Team In Relationship, With Dr. Peter Pearson [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S QUESTION: "I am from Germany and i have listened to many of your podcasts, it really helped me to understand things better. My boyfriend and me we are 5 years together, he is from a different country (Denmark) and we speak English together in our relationship although we live in my home country. I think this makes it sometimes difficult for us to express in a nice and kind or maybe playful manner. This just gives me the idea that a show about international couples could be great. But I think our real problem is that he is 10 years older than me and he has been before me in a 12 year relationship (with 2 kids, but it was a really unhappy relationship and she cheated on him) and before that in a 4 year relationship (his first teen love, she died in an accident when she was 18). His parents never split up and he is a very helpful person, always looking for the needs of others. I am just the opposite. My parents divorced when I was 12 years old. I had a relationship of 1 year when I was 16 and then I met some guys before him but it never got serious. I had basically have had no experience in living with a man before I met him. We really love each other and we had many great experiences in these 5 years, but we also argued nearly every week. Most times, I have something in my mind and want to do it without thinking about him, because I am used to getting what I want, because I was for a long time alone. But he gets disappointed every time, because he thinks I should look more on what he wants and needs. And further we always try to find a solution and most times it is like i have to change. But I'm like feeling so unequal to him by that, because he always knows better. I also have the feeling That he doesn't trust me anymore that i can do and finish something. I have changed because I don't want to do something wrong and I ask him always how I should do things because in the end he knows better. This is really tough for me because I don't feel like the freedom anymore which I had when I lived alone. But we still love each other and i never want to loose him. We also want to get kids together and we want to get married. I just lost some confidence and self trust over the years. Thank you!" Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples. DR. JESSICA HIGGINS' RESPONSE: In the future, I would love to create an episode on bicultural relationships. One quick thought about communicating…try slowing things down. This may allow space to explain the nuances and background meanings to help one another understand the intended use of the words. First of all, I want to acknowledge how much you love your boyfriend and how much you really want to develop a healthy relationship with him. I want to applaud your effort to invest in the quality of your relationship. 1. VALUE WHAT YOU BRING. Even if he "knows better," it is not about who is right. It is about being in relationship. He feel in love with you. If you do not have as much experience, than that is part of what is true for you. Love you and what you bring. This is one of the best ways to feel positive, self-worth. You can't be something that you are not. Trying to be further along or different than you are only causes suffering, pain, and insecurity. 2. FIND YOUR TRUTH. Yes, you are open to learning how to live with someone and share your life with someone. AND I wouldn't want you to feel responsible for knowledge and experience that you did not get. You gaining the experience and wisdom is going to look different than someone else gaining the experience and wisdom. It will look different on you. You have a unique expression. I wouldn't want you to give that up. Don't lose yourself. Stay connected to yourself. I want to encourage you to learn for yourself. Have a critical mind. Yes, take in his feedback. His input is important, but can you also gather more information (from friends, people in your life that live together well, books, etc.), so that you can explore what feels right to you. How do I live with someone well? Gaining your own insight will help you feel more confident and secure in yourself. Consider checking out these episodes: ERP 045: How To Gain Self-Confidence In Your Relationship ERP 046: How To Be More Assertive In Relationship ERP 021: How To Feel More Confident In Relationship ERP 022: How To Feel More Confident In Relationship – Part 2 3. DEVELOP A SYSTEM OF HOW YOU WANT TO MAKE DECISIONS TOGETHER. Develop or adopt a decision making process that works for you both. Establish agreements that will work for you both. How do we develop a way of relating where we can both win? ERP 006: Making And Keeping Agreements To Strengthen Your Relationship 4. LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH DIFFERENCES EFFECTIVELY. Differences often feel like conflict. Many people do not have a good way of dealing with conflict and seemly opposing opinions and desires. Learn how to handle conflict well. Check out the series of episodes starting with ERP 024: The Most Important Ingredient To Shifting Conflicts. 5. HOLD SPACE FOR HIM. Given some of his experiences (having his first girlfriend die at the age of 18 and his ex-wife cheating on him), which can be traumatic, he may have some fear, anxiety, and emotion that will come up. He may even look to you or try to feel better by wanting you to do something different. ERP 108: What Most Couples Do That Creates Problems If you say curious with him, wondering what he is feeling, he may go deeper with his emotions. You may be surprised that he has a lot going on underneath the surface. 6. HOLD SPACE FOR YOU. Understand you are learning. This is new territory. It is suppose to challenge you. Like any learning curve, it can feel hard. Pay attention to when you feel vulnerable or insecure. Be honest with yourself. Tune it to what would help you. What would support me in learning? What would support me in gaining more confidence, more security and trust in myself? Show up for yourself. Ask for help. "It is about progress not perfection." This work is challenging and difficult at times, but it will give you a solid foundation to build from. Especially as you move forward into marriage and creating a family. Consider taking the Connect Couples program to develop a healthy, lasting foundation for your relationship. PRACTICE STEP: see https://drjessicahiggins.com MENTIONED: ERP 114: How To Develop The Strength Of Vulnerability (podcast) ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship (podcast) ERP 108: What Most Couples Do That Creates Problems (podcast) ERP 006: Making And Keeping Agreements To Strengthen Your Relationship (podcast) ERP 045: How To Gain Self-Confidence In Your Relationship (podcast) ERP 046: How To Be More Assertive In Relationship (podcast) ERP 021: How To Feel More Confident In Relationship (podcast) ERP 022: How To Feel More Confident In Relationship – Part 2 (podcast) Photo by Jérémie Crémer on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 116: How To Regain Trust And Self-Confidence When You've Lost It [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

This is part two of "How To Develop The Strength Of Vulnerability." If you missed part one, you can check it out here. As a quick recap, in part one, I talked about how many of us have a negative association with vulnerability. We may even label vulnerability as bad and weak. Whereas, Brené Brown, through her research and teaching, helps us redefine vulnerability as "uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure." When it comes to relationship, paradoxically vulnerability is a huge strength. In ERP 114, I also offered 4 tips in How To Develop The Strength To Be Vulnerable: Redefine vulnerability Learn to accept some level of discomfort and uncertainty. Get connected with what is true for you. Set yourself up for success Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples. In working with a client, who is developing more strength in being vulnerable, he speculated that we have two choices: To shut down. To be open. To help structure our conversation, I created this visual on vulnerability. This visual helps organize the different components of what is involved in being vulnerable with yourself and with others. What does vulnerability look like? see https://drjessicahiggins.com VULNERABILITY IN ACTION. Open/self: Having faith, even at the risk of looking like a fool. Investing in something that is meaningful to you, even if it means you might get disappointed. Putting your phone away. People have a tendency to use smartphones as a defense and protection tool. Taking a risk. In the article The Power Of Vulnerability: 5 Ways To Come Alive To Your Authentic Self, by Amber Rae, "Act with no guarantees. Ideas are safe. The idea of true love, the vision of a better world, the image of your perfect lifestyle. We can sit safely in our imaginations all day or we can fully commit to taking action, embracing the notion that we might fail or get hurt." How do people see you and feel you? Open/others: Bringing up an issue. Expressing a need or desire. Sharing an opinion (in which you don't know how well it will be received). Standing up for yourself (say "ouch"). Setting a boundary. Sharing your feelings. Sharing what is really true for you. In the article The Power Of Vulnerability: 5 Ways To Come Alive To Your Authentic Self, by Amber Rae, "Be real. If you're scared, say you're scared. If you don't know, say you don't know. If you made a mistake, say you made a mistake. If you feel hurt, say you're hurt. If you're in love, say you're in love." Sharing what you are afraid of. Sharing a fear or a shameful experience. (story) Apologizing (offering a sincere "I am sorry."). Asking for help. Giving a genuine compliment (so often we avoid doing this because we are afraid of being awkward). Receiving a compliment. As Brené Brown explains, vulnerability is about: "vacillating between I am here and I love you, and I'm going to reveal my innermost to you, and I am scared to death that you'll reject me." WHAT VULNERABILITY OFFERS: Feeling more connection with self. Feeling more connection with others. The opportunity to build more trust. The chance to get our needs meet. In the article Why Being Vulnerable Is The Key To Intimacy by Emma Seppälä, she quotes Brené Brown "Show me a man who can listen to a woman and not try to fix her problem but rather just listen to her and be there for her, show me a woman who can sit with a man who shares this vulnerability and still love him the way he is, and I'll show you a man and woman who are courageous and have done their work," says Brown. "It's about intention – 'Can this be the safest place that we have: with each other, you can be afraid with me and I can be afraid with you.'" HOW TO DEVELOP THE STRENGTH OF VULNERABILITY: 1. FIND A STARTING POINT. Developing the ability to be vulnerable takes time, practice, and courage. Identify a few ways that you can practice being more open, honest, and vulnerable (see above for some suggestions). What makes you uncomfortable? What stops you from being vulnerable and intimate with your partner? Look for good models or examples. Try it out for yourself. Start small. Small steps lead to big changes. Take your time. Be gentle with yourself. 2. LEARN TO LEAN IN. Focus on the value of being vulnerable. Engage. Turn towards instead of away. Be willing to be open. Muster the courage. Name it. See it. Acknowledge it. Share it. Be seen. Be available for connection. Take care of your heart. 3. BELIEVE IN YOUR WORTHINESS AND THE PROCESS. Your strength will build. You are worthy. You are lovable. Build trust in yourself and others. People want to help. Give them a chance. Connection is possible. As discussed in previous episodes, your feeling of safety, previous experiences, and your beliefs all impact your capacity to be vulnerable. Get support, if it would be helpful. In the article, Vulnerability the Key to Close Relationships, by Karen Young, she writes "When we shut down our vulnerability, we shut down the possibility. There are no guarantees. There never have been. But what is certain is that we deserve more than to have our vulnerability – the greatest vehicle to connection – shut down by fear. We cannot guarantee the outcome, but we can have faith in our ability to cope with it. Living and loving with a vulnerable, open heart will bring its own rewards." The intimacy we yearn for will not develop on it's own. It requires a willingness and an openness to connect with yourself and others. As explained by Brené Brown, people with a strong sense of love and belonging believe that vulnerability is a necessity. PRACTICE STEP: "What is one practice step you can take to start developing the strength of vulnerability in your life? MENTIONED: ERP 114: How To Develop The Strength Of Vulnerability ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship (podcast) Brené Brown (website) The Power Of Vulnerability: 5 Ways To Come Alive To Your Authentic Self,by Amber Rae (article) Why Being Vulnerable Is The Key To Intimacy By Emma Seppälä (article) Vulnerability the Key to Close Relationships, by Karen Young (article) Photo by SHTTEFAN on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 115: How to develop the strength of vulnerability – Part Two [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

In episode ERP 112: What Makes Being Vulnerable So Hard?, I discussed why vulnerability is a difficult skill to develop. I talked about how vulnerability is a deceptively powerful ingredient within an intimate connection. I described some of the ways we get stuck and fight against being vulnerable. If you missed it, you can check it out here. HOW ARE YOU WITH BEING VULNERABILITY? Do you let your partner in? Do you let them see your inner world…your weaknesses, your insecurities, your dreams, your longing? Do you let them feel you…feel your emotion? Or do you hold it all together? Do you keep walls up? Do you avoid the opportunity for connection because you are afraid to reveal too much? Do you set aside your hurt, so that it cannot be seen? Do you hide your innermost thoughts, feelings, and wishes in fear that they might be rejected? DEFINING VULNERABILITY Most of us have been bombarded with messages about being independent, capable, and strong. We expect to be able to solve all of our own problems and be self-sufficient. And asking for help and support can often bring up deep feelings of shame because we believe we should be able to handle everything. Take a moment, when you think of being "vulnerable," what comes up for you? What is the first thing you think of? Being "weak." "helpless." "open." "unprotected." When it comes to relationship, paradoxically vulnerability is a huge strength. In Vulnerability the Key to Close Relationships, by Karen Young, she writes "Without vulnerability, relationships struggle. Vulnerability is, 'Here I am – my frayed edges, my secrets, my fears, my affection. Be careful – they're precious.' In return, it invites, 'Oh, I see you there. It's okay, you're safe. And here – here's me.' It builds trust, closeness and a sense of belonging. Relationships won't thrive without it. Vulnerability is openness to experiences, people and uncertainty. It's terrifying at times, and brave always." Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples. HOW TO DEVELOP THE STRENGTH TO BE VULNERABLE 1. REDEFINE VULNERABILITY. Brené Brown, a professor and vulnerability researcher at the University of Houston has done a lot to bring the importance of vulnerability to mainstream awareness. If you haven't seen her TED talks, I encourage you to check them out: The Power Of Vulnerability (TED Talk) Listening To Shame (TED Talk) In Brené Brown's best selling book "Daring Greatly," she defines vulnerability "as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure." Vulnerability is like the feeling we get when we take a risk, step out of our comfort zone, and the outcome is uncertain (story). Brené Brown teaches us that while doing something new may feel uncomfortable, it also opens us up to new opportunities. Conversely, turning away from the discomfort and challenge, can perpetuate feelings of loneliness, disconnection, and dissatisfaction. 2. LEARN TO ACCEPT SOME LEVEL OF DISCOMFORT AND UNCERTAINTY. Discomfort is natural and is a part of the process. It is okay to be nervous. It is okay to feel scared. Nothing is wrong. "Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center of meaningful human experiences," Brené Brown When we do not accept our discomfort, we are likely to feel some level of shame or self-rejection. 3. GET CONNECTED WITH WHAT IS TRUE FOR YOU. Check-in with yourself. Drop into a deeper place of feeling. Connect with what is real. Be honest. Be willing to feel. Ask yourself: What am I feeling? Ask yourself: What do I need and what do I want? (story) Feel your heart. Love your vulnerability and authenticity. Have your own back. Ignoring or sweeping emotions under the rug doesn't make the vulnerability go away. Vulnerability allows you to authentically express and it allows you to open your heart. Plus, the more you can connect with what is real for you, the easier it will be to share with someone else. 4. SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS. Choose: An appropriate time and place: share with someone when they have the time and space to give you their attention and focus (not when they are running late and rushing out of the door). With whom to share: share with someone in your trusted inner circle. An Intimate partner. Best friend. Close family member (as you build strength, you may be able to be more transparent with people in general). To what level your want to share: practice revealing at different levels (you may want to share everything with your partner and just the abbreviated version with a family member). To be intentional about your sharing. Make space for heartfelt connection. Treat your vulnerability as a special gift. "What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful." – Brené Brown MENTIONED: ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship (podcast) ERP 111: Is it okay to want validation from My partner? (podcast) ERP 112: What Makes Being Vulnerable So Hard? (podcast) Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead (Book) The Power Of Vulnerability (TED Talk) Listening To Shame (TED Talk) Brené Brown (website) Vulnerability the Key to Close Relationships, by Karen Young (article) Photo by Matthew Kane on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 114: : How To Develop The Strength Of Vulnerability [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

GUEST PAUL COLAIANNI: Paul Colaianni is host of The Overwhelmed Brain podcast and author of the book: The Overwhelmed Brain: Personal Growth for Critical Thinkers. He helps people all over the world become empowered so that they can make decisions that are right for them. He currently lives in Atlanta, Georgia. In this episode, Paul talks with us about the damage of manipulation and emotionally abusive relationships. He offers signs and symptoms to help identify a toxic relationship. He also gives us two important keys in helping transform emotional abusive relationships. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.) IMPORTANT POINTS FROM PAUL COLAIANNI: Toxic relationship are when you feel bad more often than not. "One of the main functions of an emotional manipulator is to get what they want, the way they want it by controlling people in the environment." Paul Colaianni Components of Emotionally Abuse Relationship: Your partner is in control. You often feel like you are tagging along. Your partner makes you feel bad about yourself, and you mistrust yourself. You believe your partner is the only person that you can trust. You believe your partner is the only person that will show you love, and there is no one else that will love you. Manipulators usually have a really old fear that is driving their manipulative behavior. SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF MANIPULATION AND EMOTIONAL ABUSIVE IN RELATIONSHIPS, BY PAUL COLAIANNI: Each item alone does not indicate a toxic or abusive relationship. Emotional abuse tends to happen over a period of time. To get a more comprehensive assessment, check out the MEAN worksheet by Paul Colaianni. Here are a just few items that Paul shared with us: "During and after a conversation with your partner, you can often feel (embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, anxious, angry, uneasy, and especially feeling like you are blamed or responsible for what is wrong in the relationship). Before you met your partner, you felt pretty good about yourself. Everything in the relationship seems so complex. You allow your boundaries or your values to be violated. You feel bad honoring your boundaries. You are always trying to find ways to make your partner happy, even at the cost of your own happiness. You apologize a lot. Your partner talks and talks and talks and talks. You don't know where your passion for life is. You dread losing the relationship, even though you are mostly unhappy. You feel like you are going crazy. You feel guilty almost all the time. You believe you are not worthy or lovable." TWO KEYS TO CREATE CHANGE: If you are the victim: Start trusting yourself and make a decision about what you are going to do about your situation. Trust your decision. If you are the manipulator: Put your focus on yourself. Take absolute accountability for your experience. MENTIONED: The Overwhelmed Brain (Paul Colaianni's website) Manipulation and Emotional Abuse Worksheet (link to Paul Colaianni's MEAN Worksheet) Are You With a Manipulative Person? – Indecision and Regret (The Overwhelmed Brain Podcast Episode) Are You Being Manipulated? (The Overwhelmed Brain Podcast Episode) Identifying Your Sense of Self – Overcoming the Guilt of Leaving the Emotional Abuser – Diminishing Emotional Triggers (The Overwhelmed Brain Podcast Episode) Transforming the Emotionally Abusive Relationship (The Overwhelmed Brain Podcast Episode) The Meaning of Communication – Guilt by Manipulation – Obsessing Over the Ex (The Overwhelmed Brain Podcast Episode) The Manipulative Man: Identify His Behavior, Counter the Abuse, Regain Control, by Dorothy McCoy (book) The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Expanded Third Edition: How to recognize it and how to respond, by Patricia Evans (book) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 113: How To Identify Manipulative & Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Paul Colaianni [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Over the last couple of weeks, I have been discussing the challenge of maintaining closeness and intimacy with your partner, as well as maintaining your sense of self in a long-term commitment, love relationship. In last week's episode, I talked about how to seek validation and intimacy within your relationship. I offered 4 keys to doing this successfully: safety, ownership, vulnerability, and transparency. RELATIONSHIP SECURITY AND INDIVIDUAL AUTHENTICITY WORKING TOGETHER Within an intimate relationship, we often feel the constant tension between upholding the harmony and security of the bond as well as staying honest and real about our individual desires and preferences. Both relationship security and individual authenticity are important. While they feel conflicting, they actually work together supporting the development of both. Having a more secure base, provides a safer foundation to launch from (explore and take risks). Opening up more and revealing what is true and real with a loved one (within a safe container), creates intimacy, connection, and safety. Please check out episode ERP 110 and ERP 111 out to learn more. In an article titled, Courage in Relationships: Conquering Vulnerability and Fear, Leon F Seltzer Ph.D. writes "Unfortunately, in many instances we simply can't feel secure enough with our partner to approach anything we sense could endanger this bond. And so our "security" (such as it is) is really shallow and tenuous; untested. We're just not willing—courageously—to risk feeling refused or rejected in the effort to move toward a more genuinely secure relationship:" VULNERABILITY – "A DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH" Why is vulnerability so hard? We want to feel strong. We want to be loved and accepted. We want to feel competent and able. We want to feel empowered and that we can overcome obstacles. We value achievement, perseverance, and resiliency. We say things like "Don't wallow." "Don't be a victim." "Don't let your circumstances define you." Given the appropriate context, I agree with the sentiments of these statements. But have we gone too far? Do we attempt to bypass pain to exercise strength and resilience? Of course, we would all probably prefer to not feel pain. However, have we truncated or cut off the process entirely? Sure, we do not want to get stuck in a deep hole or downward spiral for months and months. But when do we get the chance to feel? Feel what is real? In Vulnerability the Key to Close Relationships, Karen Young writes"Somewhere along the way, the need to protect ourselves from being vulnerable has trumped the need to connect. I understand that. Few things hurt as deeply and completely as the heartache that comes from relationships. But heartache and uncertainty is part of being human and it's avoidance is getting in our way. In response to this, we've stopped allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. We've toughened up. We've turned vulnerability into a weakness and guardedness into a strength" VULNERABILITY CREATES AN OPENING. Dr. Brené Brown, a renowned expert on vulnerability, has been doing a lot to help us redefine vulnerability. Through her research, she has found the value of vulnerability. In Vulnerability the Key to Close Relationships, Karen Young, writes "Vulnerability is the driving force of connection. It's brave. It's tender. It's impossible to connect without it. But we've turned it into a weakness. We've made ourselves 'strong'. We've toughened up, hardened up and protected ourselves from being hurt. We've protected ourselves from vulnerability and disallowed the surrender. Here's the problem. When we close down our vulnerability we are shielded from hurt, but we are also shielded from love, intimacy and connection. They come to us through the same door. When we close it to one, we close it to all." Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my story, explanations, and examples. WHAT MAKES BEING VULNERABILITY SO HARD?: Pain is too much: Overwhelming. Annihilating. Can't deal. Isn't within our awareness. What we say, feel, believe about ourselves: Shame: "I failed." Insecure: "Nobody really cares about me." Unworthy: "I don't feel good enough." "If I was smarter, more success, more attractive, than I would be worthy." Unloveable: "I am toxic. I am deficient." Inadequate: "I am not good at relationship" We fear our partner's response: Rejection: "You don't know what you are talking about." "I don't feel the same way about you." Criticism: "You are too needy." "That is ridiculous. You are just being selfish." Abandonment: "I don't care how you feel or what you think." "Your partner shakes their head and turns away from you." Attacked: "Stop being childish." "In response, to your sharing a sexual desire, that's perverted" Betrayal: "I don't need you." "I don't want you anymore." (uncared for, dismissed, or even humiliated) Previous hurt, pain, and/or trauma (old feelings) WHAT MAKES BEING VULNERABLE EVEN HARDER? Our attempts to protect: Afraid of upsetting the "perceived relationship harmony" (rocking the boat). Fear of upsetting partner. Fear of upsetting the relationship flow and dynamic. Don't feel safe. Avoidance. It is natural and understandable to want to avoid feeling pain and to try to prevent pain from happening. We are wired up to protect ourselves. In the article, Yes, Being Vulnerable Is Terrifying—But Here's Why It's So Worth by Katherine Schrehber, she writes "We've all struggled to open up to others at some point in our lives, says Jeffry Simpson, Ph.D., a social psychologist and professor of psychology at the University of Minnesota. If you've ever balked at the mere thought of getting close to someone new, rest assured: That's normal. It's instinctual and natural to avoid situations where we might get injured, he explains, even if that injury is "only" psychological." ACCEPT INSTEAD OF FIGHT AGAINST PAIN Radical Acceptance by Brent Menninger writes "Pain can be almost impossible to bear, but suffering is even more difficult. When you refuse to accept pain, you will suffer. Fighting reality, opposing the inevitable or struggling against what is – causes suffering. SUFFERING = PAIN X NON-ACCEPTANCE OF THE PAIN" Brent Menninger also writes about 3 myths about acceptance: "1.If you don't accept something, it will magically change and you won't have to deal with it. 2. If you accept your painful situation, you will give in to it or it will take over your life. 3. If you accept your painful situation, you are accepting a life of pain without end. (Actually, with acceptance, you can move on to problem solving)." In Vulnerability the Key to Close Relationships, Karen Young writes 'Occasionally we get hurt. Relationship pain is an unavoidable part of being human. When it happens it can steal you. I know. But we can see this for what it is – a mismatch of people, a redirection, a learning, a happening – or we can take it as a warning and protect ourselves from the possibility of being hurt again. In this case, we make the decision to not be vulnerable. We shut it down. By shutting down to the risks of being vulnerable, we also shut down to the possibilities – the possibility of joy, intimacy, closeness, gratitude and connection." HOW DO YOU HANDLE BEING VULNERABLE? Self: Can you be with your own pain? Can you make space to see it and acknowledge it? Others: Are you willing to be seen… willing to reveal parts or yourself you are not sure will be accepted? MENTIONED: ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship (podcast) ERP 111: Is it okay to want validation from My partner? (podcast) Courage in Relationships: Conquering Vulnerability and Fear, by Leon F Seltzer Ph.D (article) Brené Brown (website) Vulnerability the Key to Close Relationships, by Karen Young (article) Yes, Being Vulnerable Is Terrifying—But Here's Why It's So Worth by Katherine Schrehber (article) Radical Acceptance by Brent Menninger Photo by Jack Kaminski on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 112: What Makes Being Vulnerable So Hard? [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

In the Empowered Relationship Podcast episode 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship, I talked about we often get caught in the belief that being in relationship requires us to give over of ourselves in an attempt to seek relationship harmony. Yet, when we do this, we can lose touch with ourselves, our passion, and our desires. David Schnarch in Passionate Marriage talks about "Emotionally fused couples." He explains that they "are controlled by their connection. They have lost their ability to direct themselves and so get swept up in how people around them are feeling. There's room for only one opinion, one position, differentiation is the ability to stay in connection without being consumed by the other person. Our urge for togetherness and our capacity to care always drive us to seek connection, but true interdependence requires emotionally distinct people." In episode 110, I talked about the importance of holding priority for both needs…autonomy and intimacy in relationship. Yet, we typically do not have a model of how to grow ourselves (autonomy) while growing in relationship (intimacy). Intellectually, we may understand that both needs are important…the need for autonomy and the need for intimacy. But in practice, we struggle balancing these two seemly conflictual needs. Though, the struggle is part of our development. The process of growing, maturing, and evolving us. In episode 110, I also talked about two different approaches in the field of couples work. One is to help the individual become more differentiated. "Differentiation is the process by which we become more uniquely ourselves by maintaining ourselves in relationship with those we love." By David Schnarch in Passionate Marriage. Through the process of self validation "that's when you don't expect your partner to validate or accept what you disclose. You validate yourself as you show your partner who you really are." By David Schnarch in Passionate Marriage The other is to help couples create a more secure emotional connection, so that they can feel more trust, care, and safety within their partnership. This safety allows for more vulnerability and authentic sharing, which in turn creates more connection. The main difference between these approaches is the need for safety in the relationship dynamic. One approach focuses on self-soothing and self-validating, so that a partner can express himself/herself more authentically and vulnerability. This in turn cultivates more passion and connection. While the other approach focuses on creating safety between partners to allow for more vulnerable sharing, which in turn creates more intimacy and connection. Through my dissertation research, I speculated that it may be important to first create a solid, safe foundation in relationship to then take more risks of self-expression and self-validating. While these two approaches are different in their focus, they have several similar aspects. Let's address the desire to feel seen, understood and validated. We all want to feel accepted, loved, and valued for who we truly are. Yet, the path of seeking validation can be fraught with great difficulty. "We're driven by something that makes us look like we crave intimacy, but in fact we're after something else: we want someone else to make us feel acceptable and worthwhile….Once we realize that intimacy is not always soothing and often makes us feel insecure, it is clear why we back way from it." By David Schnarch in Passionate Marriage It may be important to note there is a subtle difference between the intention to seek intimacy verses to seek validation. Seeking validation is more about approval and okayness. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.) IS IT OKAY TO WANT VALIDATION FROM YOUR PARTNER? If you do not know you are worthy and acceptable, it may be incredibly healing to have your partner remind you of your goodness. AND are you continuously relying on your partner's validation to source your self-esteem? Or are you doing your inner work to grow yourself? To answer the question "Is it okay to want validation from your partner?," it may be important to look at a few aspects within yourself first. These questions address HOW you are going about seeking validation and seeking intimacy: Are you wanting your partner to be responsible for your experience? ("You didn't agree with me. I feel small and inadequate. It is your fault that I feel insecure. Can you see how you made me feel low?") Or are you clear that you are seeking validation? ("I am feeling a lot of self-doubt. Can you help me? Would you be willing to point out some strengths that I might be overlooking about myself or the situation? (ownership) Are you willing to look at your discomfort and pain to have greater understanding of what your issue is about? Asking yourself what gets brought up in you in this situation, may help you see with is going on at the core. If you do not look within, you are likely going to miss a great opportunity to learn something powerful about yourself and you will probably project on your partner. And your partner will not have an opportunity to really be with you and connect with what is real within you. (vulnerability) Are you willing to let your partner really see you fully? Usually, we want our partner to look at what they did wrong to hurt or offend us. It is a much more vulnerable thing to look at why this is a tender spot for you or what insecurity it brings up in you, AND then to share it with your partner. (transparency) "Well-differentiated people can agree without feeling like they're "losing themselves," and can disagree without feeling alienated and embittered, They can stay connected with people who disagree with them and still "know who they are." They don't have to leave the situation to hold onto their sense of self." By David Schnarch in Passionate Marriage 4 KEYS TO SEEKING VALIDATION AND INTIMACY: 1. Safety 2. Ownership (Responsibility) 3. Vulnerability (authenticity) "Vulnerability here does not mean the act of being weak or submissive. To the contrary, it implies the courage to be yourself. It involves uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. And that is why it might seem scary." By Emma Seppälä in Why Being Vulnerable Is The Key To Intimacy 4. Transparency: "The truth is that when we allow ourselves to be completely open and vulnerable, we benefit, our relationships improve, and we may even become more attractive. "We are actually drawn to people who are real and down-to-earth," says Brown. "We love authenticity and we know that life is messy and imperfect." Why do we love children so much? Why are we drawn to people who act themselves? Because we feel an intrinsic comfort in the presence of authenticity. Moreover, someone who is real and vulnerable gives us the space and permission to be the same." By Emma Seppälä in Why Being Vulnerable Is The Key To Intimacy PRACTICE STEP: How can you would will one of the 4 Keys this week (safety, ownership, vulnerability, transparency? MENTIONED: Passionate Marriage (book) Brené Brown (website) Why Being Vulnerable Is The Key To Intimacy By Emma Seppälä What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship? (article) Photo by Zoran Zonde Stojanovski on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 111: Is It Okay To Want Validation From Your Partner? [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Do you aim to please your partner or do you aim to express yourself authentically? Do you give your partner what he/she wants immediately or do you advocate for your desires? With a sensitive topic, do you avoid stating what is real for you because you fear upsetting your partner? These questions address the continual challenge of negotiating our need for individuality (personal needs, desires, dreams) and our need for closeness in relationship (connection and intimacy). TWO CONFLICTING NEEDS: In relationship, we often feel as though we only two options; 1) go along with your partner's preferences 2) exert your preferences. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.) AIMING TO PLEASE: When the priority is all about accommodating our partner, we can lose connection with ourselves. We may lose integrity with what is real individually. We may not express our authentic needs, desires, and preferences because we are afraid of: being rejected (being seen as "too much," "inappropriate," or "not okay.") looking silly or being embarrassed. conflict (i.e our partner not wanting what we want or not liking what we shared). upsetting our partner. feeling alone. feeling disconnected. feeling abandoned. With pleasing and prioritizing our partner, we can run into these challenges as well: When our partner is not happy with our attempts to please, we can feel hurt, misunderstood, and/or not good enough. Our partner can begin to expect us to give over freely and easily, and/or we can feel pressured too put our partner first (or that putting their needs first is "the right thing to do"). Our partner's happiness becomes a measure of our performance – or how well we are doing as a partner. This begins to feel like "If my partner is upset, I am not okay." or "If my partner is happy, we are good." FUSION FANTASY: Excerpt from Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch, about the concept of "fusion fantasy" (from page 56), which is "the fantasy of two (or more) bodies appearing to be controlled by a single mind – as of we've given up our separate identities and become part of a larger oneness." "Fusion fantasy" reminds me of the phenomenon "Groupthink." Google's definition of groupthink is: the practice of thinking or making decisions as a group in a way that discourages creativity or individual responsibility. "Groupthink is a psychological phenomenon that occurs within a group of people in which the desire for harmony or conformity in the group results in an irrational or dysfunctional decision-making outcome. Group members try to minimize conflict and reach a consensus decision without critical evaluation of alternative viewpoints by actively suppressing dissenting viewpoints, and by isolating themselves from outside influences." Wikipedia Partners who have been caught in the pattern of suppressing their individual or creative selves in relationship to avoid conflict will typically get to a point where they feel stuck, frustrated, and dissatisfied. Their relationship does not represent them and does not feel like what they expected or planned for. Culturally, we often get the message that if we find "the one" things will flow and be easy, as if this route of self-sacrifice leads to relationship bliss. However, this is not the case. In fact, continual self-sacrifice in relationship leads to many issues. "Fusion Fantasy" leads to: protecting the status quo, which gives the illusion of safety. staying in the comfort zone and being afraid to take risks. hiding and not sharing, revealing, and being vulnerable. loosing touch with self, and what is meaningful and important. a loss of excitement, passion, and intimacy within the relationship. stagnation and lack of growth and development personally and relationally. TAKING CARE OF THE RELATIONSHIP Attachment theory in adult romantic relationships helps us understand how important it is for partners to feel safe in their emotional connection. Partners need to feel that they can rely on, trust, and turn to each other for care. Partners need to know that their parents will have their back and be there for them. Couples need to feel that their emotional bond is secure and stable. In helping couples create more safety in their emotional connection, the process is not about getting the couple to have the same experience or getting them to be in unison. It is about creating a space space of each individual to reveal their deep, authentic experience more vulnerably to their partner. When this type of sharing occurs and our partner will more likely hear our experience without feeling blamed, shamed or responsible (as you are showing them what is going on for you rather than making it their fault or problem). In turn, our partner's genuine response will usually be empathic and an expression of desire to help (because they care and can see your pain). SAFETY & GROWTH In my dissertation, couples talked about the importance of commitment to have a safe foundation to grow from. They talked about how the commitment gave them a sense of comfort and security to take risks and explore more freely. Therefore, their commitments were more liberating rather than constraining. They felt the courage and safety to try new things and to be more vulnerable. TAKING CARE OF SELF "Differentiation is the process by which we become more uniquely ourselves by maintaining ourselves in relationship with those we love." Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch (page 51) VALUE FOR BOTH: In relationship, we are faced with the task of balancing these two very important and essential needs…autonomy and intimacy. Many people talk about the benefit of balance, and it worth noting that balance is a very difficult state to achieve. We usually have moments of balance, but more often than not we are in a state of seeking balance. Interdependence – having value for both autonomy and intimacy. When a couple dances together in an expressive way, they can flow together, where both people are having fun and contributing to the movement. Both people are individually responsible for their balance and at times may choose to join or even lean on each other in a mutually consensual way. They may also choose to focus on their individual movement at times. All along, they are creating a larger dance together. MENTIONED: Passionate Marriage (book) What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship? (article) "Groupthink" (Wikipedia) Photo by Boris Smokrovic on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.