Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

In ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part One, I talked about the article, titled "Masters Of Love," by Emily Esfahani Smith The article discussed the key to lasting relationships comes down to kindness and generosity. Based on the research of Gottman and others, "kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage." (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) If you are interested in practicing more kindness in your relationship to strengthen your love, download this free pdf. The goal is to choose one kindness action or gesture a day for 25 days. 25 Tips for Building Kindness (11-15) 11. Learn how to address issues. Most of us do not feel uncomfortable with conflict or addressing a conflictual topic with our loved one. Often, we have experienced pain, difficulty, and upset during conflict in the past. The take away message has been "I don't want to do that again." Unconsciously, we make a decision to avoid sensitive topics. There is a balance to be struck when addressing a conflict. A) You will not want to invest the time and energy with just anyone. You will reserve this process for people who you are very close with, intend to have a lasting relationship with, and would like to deepen the intimacy with. B) You will want to get in touch with what is true, but you will also want to practice tact and consideration when expressing yourself. C) You will want to develop skill in addressing an issue. Like anything, there is a learning curve towards developing any level of skill. Acquired skill does not come without learning and practice. Conflict in relationship is a tricky area to develop skill in because it requires us to tolerate some pretty uncomfortable emotions, particularly, how to deal with fear and anger. Often, we don't have a safe practice ground. When you were learning to drive, did your parent take you to the country or an abandoned parking lot to practice? The idea here is to have a safe place to get acquainted with all the mechanics and practice without hurting anyone or anything. We do not have this practice ground in relationship. It is real-time. Live and often feels like do or die. Your partner's skill level matters greatly in the equation as well. Whether or not they can manage their emotional reactivity and insecurities. Do they take things personally? Do the assume the worst? Do they get protective, defensive, or blaming? Avoiding doesn't work either. "Kindness doesn't mean that we don't express our anger, but the kindness informs how we choose to express the anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you're hurt and angry, and that's the kinder path." by Julie Gottman 12. Practice respect during conflict. When push comes to shove, do you step up or do you step away? In my younger years, I had to work towards calming down my reactions and tempering my impulses. To think before I speak and not lash out. To try to be more objective and considerate in my languaging. To not to be so defensive when I feel attacked. Whereas, other people have to work towards coming to the table, when their impulse is to step away. Maybe their pattern is to distance themselves or get passive aggressive. Or maybe they ignore, reject, or cut people off. Stepping up and stepping away can both be done in disrespectful ways. Knowing your tendency is helpful when trying to understand your patterns in conflict. Do you know where you go when are not at your best in conflict? One shift that helped me be more respectful during conflict was to have the goal of practicing respect as a form of integrity, in that treating someone with dignity and civility is a way that I can feel good about myself and my character. If character and integrity become the goal or measure, then what helps accomplish that goal? Taking care of yourself. Calming down. Removing yourself from the dynamic. Setting a boundary. Here are a couple of examples of how to practice respect during a conflict: Be objective and fair in recounting of the story. Stick to the facts. Have tact. "Tact is telling the truth kindly, considerate of how your words affect others' feelings. Think before you speak, knowing what is better left unsaid. When you are tactful, others find it easier to hear what you have to say. Tact builds bridges." By The Virtues Project Be considerate. Your partner has a perspective and a position as well. Can you make room for their experience? Start a difficult conversation gently instead of waiting for things to reach a boiling point. "The hardest time to practice kindness is, of course, during a fight—but this is also the most important time to be kind. Letting contempt and aggression spiral out of control during a conflict can inflict irrevocable damage on a relationship." By Emily Esfahani Smith, The Atlantic 13. Strive for the 5 to 1 ratio. If you are familiar with John Gottman's work, you may have come across the 5 to 1 ratio. This ratio recommends having five or more positive interactions for every negative interaction, so that you can have a stable and happy marriage. The basic principle here is that when kindness outweighs negativity, happiness is a more likely to occur. In most human interactions, we have some type of transactional analysis going on. Am I giving more than I am getting? Are they adding to my life or are they taking away from me? Is our relationship equitable? Granted, relationships cannot be 50/50 all the time. However, it is a very human experience to respond to the balance of giving and receiving in relationship. "When the masters of marriage are talking about something important, they may be arguing, but they are also laughing and teasing and there are signs of affection because they have made emotional connections." By Dr. Gottman Unhappy couples tend to engage in fewer positive interactions and their positive-to-negative ratio during conflict is more like 1-to-1, which is unhealthy. There is a great deal of emotional power in negative interactions, such as criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, contempt, mocking, eye-rolling, and sarcasm. This is why it takes five positive interactions to counteract the one negative interaction. In happy marriages, people expect to feel safe, and when a negative interaction occurs it is quickly repaired with understanding, validation, and empathy. Is there a way to lighten the mood, crack a joke, look at your partner and smile, or touch them softly when discussing a difficult topic? 14. Offer reassurance. There will be times when your partner feels insecure, afraid, and uncertain. Unfortunately, your partner may not have the capacity to tell you explicitly when they are feeling scared, anxious, or worried. Whether or not their doubts relate to career, friends, family or relationship, you have a powerful opportunity to remind them of their goodness and value. Sometimes, the kindest thing we can offer our partner is genuine, sentiments of belief and reassurance. Offer affirmation to your partner. Let your partner know you believe in them Validate their strength. "It is going to be okay." "You got this." 15. Forgive Your Partner's shortcomings. Typically, when our partner does something off-putting, it is easy to feel offended and hold a grudge. Holding a grudge usually does not help us feel better, nor does it bring a resolution with our partner. Even with attempts to resolve an issue through a conversation, we can continue to take issue with our partner's actions is like if punishing them would somehow change the situation. If grudges persist, we can withhold our affection and become passive-aggressive. We can grow distant and critical. And we can start to see our partner as the problem, rather than as our trusted ally. What would it take to let go of the grudge, be vulnerable about your pain, and be open to reconciling? To choose to open your heart, make peace with the circumstances, and work with your partner? If you are interested in practicing more kindness in your relationship to strengthen your love, download this free pdf. The goal is to choose one kindness action or gesture a day for 25 days. Stay tuned for the next several tips for building kindness in the upcoming podcast episode. Until then, check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love: MENTIONED: ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love (podcast) ERP 128: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part Two (podcast) ERP 123: Forgive For Love With Dr. Fred Luskin (podcast) ERP 026: How To Repair & Resolve Hurt In Relationship (podcast) Masters Of Love by Emily Esfahani Smith (article) ERP 109: How Being Gentle With Your Partner Can Make A Big Difference (podcast) Jerry Maguire Pumping Up Rod Tidwell Before the Draft (Youtube video) The Virtues Project (website) Empowered Relationship FB Page TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 129: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part Three [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

In ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part One, I talked about the article, titled "Masters Of Love," by Emily Esfahani Smith The article talked about the key to lasting relationships comes down to kindness and generosity. Based on the research of Gottman and others, "kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage." (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) If you are interested in practicing more kindness in your relationship to strengthen your love, download this free pdf. The goal is to choose one kindness action or gesture a day for 25 days. 25 TIPS FOR BUILDING KINDNESS (6-10) 6. CELEBRATE WINS. When you experience success, an accomplishment or something good, who do you share it with? Are you and your partner able to celebrate the joy and excitement of good news together? There is something called the "winner's effect." When we experience a win of some sort, we get a release of dopamine and testosterone. Dopamine is one of the feel good neurochemicals. The beginning stages of love, romance, and desire are fueled by dopamine along with other neurochemicals like oxytocin. When we experience a win, positive changes are happening within our chemical makeup and brain structure. We will typically feel more confident, quick witted, and more courageous. Cognitive neuroscientist Ian Robertson explains "Winning increases the dopamine receptors in the brain, which makes you smarter and more bold." Sharing these pivotal moments are critical for relationship quality and connection and can be very damaging when they are not shared and celebrated together. In a psychological study, Will You Be There For Me When Things Go Right, by Shelly Gable and her colleagues, couples were asked to discuss recent positive events from their lives. The purpose of the study was to observe how partners would respond to each other's good news. They found that, in general, couples responded to each other's good news in four different ways: passive destructive, active destructive, passive constructive, and active constructive. The most common response is a passive constructive one, like "That's nice," or "Congratulations." Sometimes couples will receive passive destructive responses such as a flat response or being ignored when sharing good news. On rare occasions, a critical, or active destructive response is given. In the article, Why You and Your Partner Need to Celebrate Each Other by Linda and Charlie Bloom, they write "What truly enlivens a relationship, though, is an active constructive response, when the person who hears about our success is sincerely happy for us. An active constructive response shows generosity of spirit and eagerness to hear more about the good news. Celebrating triumphs in life, from small, seemingly trivial ones to those that are more significant, strengthens the bond between two people. Being genuinely enthusiastic in responding to a partner's good fortune can have a positive impact on them." "The genuineness and frequency of active positive responses are essential to the development of healthy relationships….When we celebrate each other's accomplishments, we thrive. We are more likely to be securely bonded to each other, satisfied with our relationship, and enjoy greater love and happiness" by Linda and Charlie Bloom. 7. EXPRESS AFFECTION. A few days ago, I was meeting with a couple I have been working with for a couple of months. Unfortunately, they are working through some pretty big disconnect. One of the areas where they have experienced a divide is in the way they express and receive love. Stylistically, she is more reflective and introspective, and he is more active and energetic. She was describing a longing to feel his embodied touch and presence. He had no idea what she was talking about. When you touch your partner, are you present to the moment? Are you focused on the shared connection or are you touching your partner out of habit and routine? Do you initiate physical contact with your significant other at all? Do you hug, hold hands, kiss? The other day, my husband wasn't feeling well. Often times, my first attempt to connect with him is verbal. When he doesn't engage, I will slow down and try to feel with him. In a more embodied way, I gentle rubbed his lower back, and he opened up to me about where he felt pain and discomfort. Kind touch reduces stress and tension, and it conversely facilitates more connection and warmth. We are rarely encouraged to give affection and kind touch. It can be easy to forget. Gently touch your partner to let them know you care. High five to celebrate a win. Embrace after a long day. Give a hand or foot massage. Look at your partner with kind eyes. Smile at them. For some people, being touched with kindness gives them the experience of feeling loved. What ways can you use touch to convey your care and affection to your partner? 8. GIVE YOUR PARTNER THOUGHT. Most of us will focus on and pay attention to what we are experiencing in any given moment. It takes a mental leap to put ourselves in our partner's perspective and think about what they would enjoy. When someone puts energy and thought into considering what we would like, we feel special and cared about. When people describe meaningful acts of care from their partner, they often talk about the little things. Small acts of kindness are powerful ways to increase the positivity in your relationship. Remembering what your partner has been up to and asking about how it is going. Bringing up a topic that is important to your partner. Doing something extra to help them feel your support and love. If you partner is having a bad day, maybe pick-up something that they will enjoy. Being willing to focus on and give attention to your partner's interests demonstrates your care and that they matter and are important to you. Demonstrate consideration by doing things that are meaningful to them, like: Being on time. Doing the dishes. Sticking to the budget. Although these small gestures of kindness and thought can seem insignificant, they provide positive signals that your partner is valued and the relationship is important. Heat up the water for tea. Get a blanket. Get bags out for trip. Buy their favorite beverage. Make their favorite dinner. Small gestures over time accumulate to strengthen your love and connection as a couple. 9. TREAT YOUR PARTNER WITH MANNERS. Dr. Fred Luskin, 'Why is it that we treat others with more civility than we do our partners?" For example, have you ever been in an ugly argument with your significant other, and then in the next moment picked up the phone to answer a call with politeness? In the beginning stages of love, we tend to take extra care with our manners and grooming. We want to be polite and pleasant to be around. Whereas over time, we can get comfortable, perhaps too comfortable, and lose consideration and manners. Eat with your mouth open. Farting. Interrupting. Complaining. Not being thoughtful about what you say. Relating to your partner with good manners expresses care, consideration, and appreciation. Please. Thank you. Excuse me. Often times, couples will get into small arguments because they feel slighted or disrespected. Being considerate as a couple, shows that you maintain respect for each other. In that we do not take each other for granted, and we appreciate and value one another. Would you be willing? What do you think? Would you be okay if..? Finally, treating your partner with good manners promotes good will and positivity. 10. BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT. One way to practice kindness is by giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, when it trying to decipher your partner's intentions. Many times in relationship, we will perceive our partner's actions and not have enough information to full understand why they did or didn't do what they did. John Gottman explains from his research that "disasters" see negativity in their relationship even when it is not there. Whereas "masters" will anticipate that there is a good reason for their partner's actions, even if it doesn't appear to make sense at the time. Yes, it may be difficult to suspend judgment when your partner does something off-putting. However, not jumping to conclusions and not assuming the worst will save a lot of heartache and drama. If you notice that you sometimes think negatively about your partner's actions, try being generous when speculating about your partner's intentions. Most likely, if you took the time to understand what was behind their actions or behavior, it would make sense. Most often, your partner means well, even if their delivery is subpar at times. If you are interested in practicing more kindness in your relationship to strengthen your love, download this free pdf. The goal is to choose one kindness action or gesture a day for 25 days. Stay tuned for the next several tips for building kindness in the upcoming podcast episode. Until then, check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love: MENTIONED: ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love (podcast) ERP 123: Forgive For Love With Dr. Fred Luskin (podcast) Masters Of Love by Emily Esfahani Smith (article) Why You and Your Partner Need to Celebrate Each Other by Linda and Charlie Bloom (article) Will You Be There For Me When Things Go Right by Gable et al. (research article) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 128: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part Two [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Be sure to check out the previous episode, ERP 126: What To Do When You Feel Insecure In Relationship if you missed it. WHAT WILL WORK WHEN ADDRESSING INSECURITY IN RELATIONSHIP (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) 1. EXPLORE YOUR BELIEFS, FEARS, AND WORRIES. Understand your attachment style. Secure attachment style leads to feelings of trust, confidence, and belief in relationship. Whereas, insecure attachment style leads to feelings of distrust, lack of confidence, and belief. Knowing our attachment style can be really helpful in understanding your experience in relationship (in that it may have roots in the past). Sometimes we will recreate a dynamic from our past. If we can be more aware of our attachment needs, then we can enter into healthier relationship dynamics. Over time, we can actually develop a secure attachment style. Identify your operating beliefs. About relationship? About men? "Men are pigs. Cheaters. At some point, he will lose interested in me." About women? "She is prettier than me. She has a better body. She is not to be trusted." Are your beliefs unsupportive, limiting, and/or negative? Identify them. Explore them. Get support. Examine your fears. It can be a good practice to get your thoughts down on paper, so that you can look at your process more objectively. You will also be able to look at your fears more closely. You may be able to distinguish more easily what is real and where you might be filling in the blanks. Get to know your inner voice. How you talk to yourself? Does your inner critic run the show? Can you invite other voices to the party? 2. CREATE A SAFE SPACE. One of the things that complicates matters is… we fight with ourselves. We will pretend like we are fine, good and have no issue, when in fact we are uncomfortable, scared, and threatened. Take care of yourself Remove yourself from the situation (i.e. like being hit by waves, barely keeping your head above water, but staying in the ocean). Create your own environment. Get into your space. What would you enjoy? Stretch, music, candle, bath. In 4 Ways to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationships, by Jennice Vilhauer Ph.D., she writes "Feeling secure in a relationship depends on trusting the other person but, more importantly, on learning to trust yourself. Trust yourself to know that no matter what the other person does, you will take care of you. Trust yourself to know that you won't ignore your inner voice when it tells you that something isn't right. Trust yourself not to hide your feelings, trust yourself to make sure your needs are met, and trust yourself that you won't lose your sense of self-identity. Trust yourself to know that if the relationship isn't working, you will be able to leave and still be a wholly functioning individual. When you trust yourself, feeling secure is almost a guarantee." Be vulnerable. Acknowledge your fear and threatening feelings. Biggest change for me. Instead of trying to control my circumstances. Turning inward, acknowledging my fear. Sharing and if your partner is interested in helping, offer a way to help. Trust will develop when you reveal yourself and your partner shows up. 3. LEARN TO TOLERATE THE UNCERTAINTY. Huge risk to love. There are no guarantees. Our confidence builds when we believe we will be able to handle what life will bring us. Grieving small deaths many times in the relationship. Not the way, I wanted or imagined. 4. GET SOME DISTANCE AND PERSPECTIVE. Nature. Friends. Music. In 4 Ways to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationships, by Jennice Vilhauer Ph.D., she writes "Maintaining your sense of self-identity and taking care of your needs for personal well-being are the keys to keeping a healthy balance in a relationship. When you aren't dependent on your relationship to fill all of your needs, you feel more secure about your life. Being an independent person who has things going on outside of the relationship also makes you a more interesting and attractive partner. Ways to maintain your independence include: Making time for your own friends, interests, and hobbies, maintaining financial independence, and having self-improvement goals that are separate from your relationship goals. In essence: Don't forget to do you." 5. PRACTICE SELF-VALIDATION. What do you appreciate about yourself? Qualities, traits, efforts, and intentions (i.e. Kind, loving, thoughtful, affectionate, honest, trustworthy, smart, etc.). How do you add value and contribution to your relationship or your partner's life? Instead of focusing on what you don't like or didn't do well, focus on what you do like or did do well. No one is you. You have value to offer. "Feeling good about who you are is a win-win for the relationship. You get to enjoy the sense of well-being that comes with genuinely liking yourself, and self-confidence is an attractive quality that makes your partner want to be closer to you." by Jennice Vilhauer Ph.D. Stay tuned for the next episode as we revisit The Power of Kindness in Relationship. Until then, check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love: MENTIONED: ERP 126: What To Do When You Feel Insecure In Relationship (podcast episode) ERP 043: How To Transform Jealousy into Passion and Excitement (podcast episode) ERP 052: Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs (podcast episode) ERP 123: Forgive For Love With Dr. Fred Luskin (podcast episode) ERP 114: How To Develop The Strength Of Vulnerability (podcast episode) ERP 115: How to develop the strength of vulnerability – Part Two (podcast episode) 4 Ways to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationships, by Jennice Vilhauer Ph.D. (article) Emotions As Honored Guest, by Stephanie Noble (article) Photo by Denys Argyriou on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 127 : What To Do When You Feel Insecure In Relationship – Part Two [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S QUESTION "I have been listening to your podcasts and i find them very helpful for me to understanding how to communicate and work through some of my thoughts and needs in my relationship. I have been having an internal struggle with myself in my relationship that i was wondering if you might be able to help me work through and understand. I think this might have to deal somewhat with self love and self esteem but i am not sure how to get better with these subjects. I have this amazing boyfriend who knows I have insecurity issues and is really understanding and I believe I can trust him but I am having a struggle with modern normalities. There are 2 things that are similar but slightly different that I just can't feel comfortable with. My boyfriend is a TV person and he likes to get into all sorts of shows ranging from standard TV to HBO and Cinemax type shows. He has told me that he doesn't watch them for the sex scenes and nudity and i believe him but because he is a man i can't think that he doesn't enjoy them. This thought of that and how much there is in these shows makes me uncomfortable. I don't want to make him not watch the shows because it's not his fault they put those scenes in these shows but I don't know how to frame my mind to accept it. I also get uncomfortable about going anywhere where women will be barely wearing clothes like the beach, wondering if he might be enjoying what he sees, even though i know it's natural to be attracted to other people it still makes me uncomfortable. I have talked to him about it and he has told me he is not a visual person and he doesn't care about anyone else but i still understand that he is man. I want to be able to do these things with him because they are part of modern day life but i am having a hard time. If you could offer suggestions that would be so very helpful to me. I also would like to thank you so much for putting together these podcasts for people like me. They help me grow as a person and become a better partner." DR. JESSICA HIGGINS' RESPONSE Thank you for reaching out. I acknowledge your experience, the discomfort and struggle around these issues. I know it can be extremely painful. Also, I love that you are looking for ways to shift your experience and improve that way you deal with some of these insecurities. Today, I am going to offer you some tips to address your questions. I will also be offering general suggestions and recommendations for how to deal with insecurity in relationship. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) INSECURITY IN RELATIONSHIP When we are feeling insecure, we are typically feeling as though we are not good enough and/or we are feeling some type of threat. While most of us will have feelings of insecurity at some point or another, it is important to pay attention to when we notice a repetitive pattern of insecurity. Especially because insecurities can push people away and be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Feelings of insecurity usually involve: Inadequacy Anxiety Criticism Comparison Inadequacy When we question our value and self-worth, we tend to put a lot of emphasize on other people's perceptions of us. We will look for outside validation, affirmation and reassurance to feel good about ourselves. The trouble with this approach is: We never feel solid and secure in our goodness and worth. We typically feel disempowered, lacking and inadequate. Getting validation and reassurance rarely leads to satiation and lasting change. At it's best, it provides a temporary fix. When we do not believe we are good enough, it is very difficult to believe someone else's high opinion of us or to receive someone's compliment. We never feel trusting, relaxed and at peace with ourselves and our relationship. Anxiety Relationship will evoke our fears, wounds, and insecurities. When we love deeply, we are confronted with our attachment insecurities, essentially our trust, confidence, and belief that our partner will be there for us. If you have experienced any disappointment, loss, pain, rejection, abandonment, trauma, or neglect in your early years in how your caregiver/s provided for you, it is likely that you may have some level of attachment insecurity. Criticism How do you talk to yourself? What is your internal dialogue? Are you kind when you look in the mirror or do you criticize parts of your body? When you get dressed in the morning, what do you believe about your presentation (i.e. "Ugh, I hate my outfit." "I need to lose weight.")? When you make a mistake, what do you say to yourself? Sometimes, many times, we are our worst and harshest critics. There is nothing wrong with striving for greatness, but are we using pain, punishment, and shame as forms of motivation? Comparison In the The Comparison Trap, By Rebecca Webber, she writes "Social comparison theory was first put forth in 1954 by psychologist Leon Festinger, who hypothesized that we make comparisons as a way of evaluating ourselves. At its root, the impulse is connected to the instant judgments we make of other people—a key element of the brain's social-cognition network that can be traced to the evolutionary need to protect oneself and assess threats." DISTORTED MESSAGES Constant imagery of women's bodies. Concentrated exposure designed to be compelling. Over sexualized. Not valuing other traits, qualities, and characteristics Killing Us Softly WHAT WILL NOT WORK Trying to control his environment. Attempting to control the environment is a negative cycle because you will not develop trust. For example, if you feel success in minimizing your discomfort, it will because you managed the situation. Avoiding creates more anxiety, and at times phobias, as you let fear dictate and limit your life. If he is not respectful towards women or has a wandering eye, then you will know. You trying to control the situation will get in the way of gathering this information, as well as taking away his opportunity to show-up for you. Comparing yourself to every women on television and out in public. By constantly measure your worth against others, you are giving your power away. This sells you short because the only way for you to be valuable or lovable is if you rank high. This is an anxious feeling because you always have to compete with others. Rather than just being your awesome self. Making your partner responsible. When we feel threatened, it is easy to judge that what your parent is doing is wrong or bad. For example, if a guy feels insecure about himself, and his significant other is friendly. His temptation might be to be critical of his partner…judging her as too outgoing and gregarious. He may even try to control who she talks to and socializes with. While he doesn't feel safe and secure, he attempts to blame and control her. She is likely to push his blame and criticism away. Thus, leaving them both feeling hurt, scared, and disconnected. Seeking continual reassurance. It is natural to seek reassurance from our partner when we experience self-doubt. Yet, if this is our only method towards feeling more security, then we come dependent on our partner's approval for our well-being. Your partner will likely resists this responsibility and burden. It is a burden because it requires them to only convey positive feelings towards you, which is not realistic or authentic. Getting carried away with negative thoughts, worries, and fears. What is your worry? What is your fear? The majority of relationship insecurities are based on irrational thoughts, fears, and worries. Letting anxious feelings rule. When we feel threatened, it is easy to react to the alarms going off. However, when it comes to relationship, very little good comes from reacting. When we react, it can feel like we are out of our minds. Which in some respects is true, we are not in our right place. It is very hard to think rationally when we are panicked. I hear people say "I don't know what I was thinking." "It is so not like me." "I DO trust you." Stay tuned for the next episode discussing "What Will Work" when feeling insecure in relationship. Until then, check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love: MENTIONED: ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love (podcast episode) ERP 043: How To Transform Jealousy into Passion and Excitement (podcast episode) ERP 052: Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs 9podcast episode) ERP 071: How To Use Sexual Energy To Improve Your Health & Relationship – With Sarina Stone The Comparison Trap, By Rebecca Webber (article) Killing Us Softly (Wikipedia page) Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 126: What To Do When You Feel Insecure In Relationship [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

A long while back I remember this article from The Atlantic circulating on social media, titled "Masters of Love," by Emily Esfahani Smith. One of the main points of the article is the key to lasting relationships is kindness and generosity. Based on the research of Gottman and others, "kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage." When kindness is expressed in relationship, couples feel more care, consideration, love, and understanding. Kindness contributes to an overall feeling of goodwill and positivity. Partners are inspired and motivated to continue the pattern, which results in a positive cycle of love and generosity. "There are two ways to think about kindness. You can think about it as a fixed trait: either you have it or you don't. Or you could think of kindness as a muscle. In some people, that muscle is naturally stronger than in others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise. Masters tend to think about kindness as a muscle. They know that they have to exercise it to keep it in shape. They know, in other words, that a good relationship requires sustained hard work" by Emily EsfahaniI Smith. As positive emotions increase, so does the relationship satisfaction and fulfillment. This episode will give you some ideas on how to cultivate more kindness and generosity in your relationship. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) 5 TIPS FOR BUILDING KINDNESS 1. DO A LOVING KINDNESS MEDITATION. As I talked about last week, if we can set a positive tone, it can dramatically affect our interactions in a beneficial way. By doing a short loving-kindness meditation, it can generate boundless feelings of warmth and tenderness. Excerpt from the Metta Meditation by Metta Institute "To practice loving-kindness meditation, sit in a comfortable and relaxed manner. Take two or three deep breaths with slow, long and complete exhalations. Let go of any concerns or preoccupations. For a few minutes, feel or imagine the breath moving through the center of your chest – in the area of your heart. Metta is first practiced toward oneself, since we often have difficulty loving others without first loving ourselves. Sitting quietly, mentally repeat, slowly and steadily, the following or similar phrases: May I be happy. May I be well. May I be safe. May I be peaceful and at ease. After a period of directing loving-kindness toward yourself, bring to mind a friend or someone in your life who has deeply cared for you. Then slowly repeat phrases of loving-kindness toward them: May you be happy. May you be well. May you be safe. May you be peaceful and at ease. As you say these phrases, again sink into their intention or heartfelt meaning. And, if any feelings of loving-kindness arise, connect the feelings with the phrases so that the feelings may become stronger as you repeat the words." Here are a few additional resources: A Meditation on Lovingkindness by Jack Kornfield (article) Guided Meditation – "Loving Kindness" by Tara Brach (audio) Loving Kindness Meditation, by Great Good In Action (article & audio) 2. BE A PERSON OF INCREASE. Being a person of increase is adding good in some way to the interaction or situation. The idea here is to add positivity and generate a sense of good will. Consider how you and your partner's life can be improved. Offer affirmation and encouragement. Send a thoughtful or supportive text. "You are doing great. Keep up the great work. I am so proud of the work you are doing." Let your partner know you are thinking about them (leave them a voice mail, send them an email or a text). Look for a way to help. Contribute in some way. Be of service. Do something nice out of the ordinary. Ask them how how their learning is going. Watch a game of theirs. Ask them to share/show their latest progress. 3. GIVE UNSOLICITED ATTENTION & INTEREST. People feel important when they have your attention and focus. We are all so busy, and most us feel as though time is extremely valuable. When someone feels they are the priority, it can help them feel significant, important, and like they matter. Do you show your partner non-verbally that you are listening, interested, and curious? Open posture, giving good eye contact, and nodding are all signs that show you are deeply listening. Do you get curious about their life and what they experienced during the day? Do you take the time to think about it and deeply listen? Do you give them the space to talk about what they want? Showing that you are available and present without an agenda. When your partner has a complaint, do you take the time to listen? Do ask them to share more, so that you can understand them more fully? Do you spend time with them? To just be? Keep them company with a chore. Go for an errand with them. Simply sit next to them. Do you express interest in something that is important to them? Like a project, hobby or sport. Ask them how their learning is going. Watch a game of theirs. Ask them to share/show their latest progress. 4. SPEAK POSITIVELY ABOUT YOUR PARTNER. Giving your partner a authentic compliment can really brighten their day. On the contrary, let's say a couple is getting ready to go out on a double date with some friends. The couple finishes getting ready and meets at the front door. They look at each other and say "Are you ready?" Not acknowledging each others efforts to look nice. They make their way to meet their friends at a restaurant. Upon arriving they greet their friends with hellos and hugs. The husband says to the other woman, "You look nice." The wife hears this and feels a little bad. I have heard this complaint several times before from both genders. In parenting advice, it is recommended to acknowledge your child's strengths and success when talking to others, when they are listening. Not to brag or say something disingenuous, but to focus on some of their positives. It is how you represent them, what you choose to focus on, and highlight. Imagine, if were young and you had made some great progress with soccer, math, and science. And you overheard your mom talking to the neighbor. In response to the neighbor asking about you, she says "Good, but you could be doing a better job keeping your room more tidy." You may feel bad, a little misunderstood and as though your positive qualities are not being recognized and given credit. This is one of the most common objections that I get in my sessions with couples and families is how someone unfairly characterises them. We all want to feel loved, appreciated, and valued by others. When someone fairly and accurately acknowledges your efforts, it can feel really nice. You may feel a sense of recognition and that your positive strides count and make a difference. You may feel valued and an increase in self-esteem. Pay attention to how you talk about your partner to others. Do you complain or point out their flaws? When you are with them, do you feel competitive about earning the approval of others? A few weeks ago, we had a couple over for dinner. In the midst of the conversation, my husband spoke very complimentary about my efforts and what I created for a previous event we put together for family and friends. It felt really good to hear his expression of appreciation. I felt a warmth and closeness towards him. 5. BE PLAYFUL. As adults, it is amazing to me how we forget to play, be silly, and have fun. Whether it is a cultural expectation, we have gotten the impression that adults are to be practical, logical, and serious. With responsibilities and goals, we become driven and focused. Play and humor lighten the mood and allow for more joy and connection. When I was working on these show notes, I felt my appreciation for my husbands sense of humor. I love his ability to take me off guard with a clever joke. I love that he will get silly and laugh with me. He has told me in the past, making me laugh brings him a great sense of joy. Some of my favorite times are when my husband and I are laughing and being silly together. Are you available to play? Many, many years ago I took a workshop about the Art of Play. The instructor was amazing. One of the first things she did with us was to get us to think about our "willingness to play." She brought up the example of when dogs want to play, they communicate it by a certain posture (i.e. front legs low (reading to pounce), tail wagging, looking in anticipation). She asked us to experiment with this quality of engagement. With this mindset shift, it was amazing to me how much more available I was to interact with others in a playful way. With this shift in attitude, you will laugh more easily at your partner's jokes, and you will be more likely to find joy with them. The desire to play and have fun can also be a great form of flirtation. Stay tuned for the next several tips for building kindness in the upcoming podcast episode. Until then, check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love: MENTIONED: ERP 124: How To Improve The Climate Of Your Relationship (podcast) Masters Of Love by Emily Esfahani Smith (article) Metta Meditation by Metta Institute (article) A Meditation on Lovingkindness by Jack Kornfield (article) Guided Meditation – "Loving Kindness" by Tara Brach (audio) Loving Kindness Meditation, by Great Good In Action (article & audio) Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP CLIMATE? In the lastest episodes, I interviewed two experts in the field of relationship. Arielle Ford talked with us about How To Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate. One of the questions, I asked her was how to use the law of attraction in your relationship. In her response, she focused more on how to attract a partner. I truly believe that when one partner raises their vibration it attracts a completely different interaction. What does raising the vibration mean? In law of attraction terms, it is essentially what you focus your attention on, you attract. If you focus on the experience love, you will attract more love. If you focus on the experience of happiness, you will attract more joy. If you focus on gratitude, you will attract more abundance. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) In relationship, where do you pay the majority of your attention? What are your habitual thought patterns about your partner or your relationship? RELATIONSHIP WEATHER IS DIFFERENT THAN RELATIONSHIP CLIMATE Raising your vibration does not mean you bypass or avoid your concerns. It is important to take clear and conscientious notes of things you feel challenged with or troubled by. Then, you can address the issues with your partner in a constructive way. This gives your partner an opportunity to understand how you feel AND it gives them a chance to help you get your needs met. If you do not address your issues, it is likely that resentment will build and it will affect the way you experience your partner and your relationship. Issues begin to cloud the overall weather of your relationship, and over time this can drastically affect the climate of your relationship. What if you were to see your concerns as issues that you and your partner are in process of resolving and still working on getting to creative solutions? With this framework, there are some key assumptions happening. There is a positive solution. You and your partner care about each other. While it is challenging at times, you want to work together. You and your partner are doing the best that you can. You both have assets to bring to the relationship. While you have differences, it is not about who is right. It is about how to you learn from each other and work together to get your needs met, in a way that feels good for both of you. When we get triggered, we tend to perceive things from a protective stance. We are trying to mitigate any chances of injury. Our attempts, while understandable, are often protective strategies to feel safe. These strategies put our partner in the position of being the adversary. WHEN RELATIONSHIP WEATHER BECOMES THE RELATIONSHIP CLIMATE If we see our partner as an adversary for any length of time, it can be very difficult to contextualize feelings of protection, control, and fear to just the issue at hand. With frequency and intensity, the adversary tone starts to globalize to the overall quality of the relationship. In general, we start to see our partner in a negative light. We focus on their negative attributes. We doubt and question their ability to meet our needs, and we wonder if and how the relationship will work. In the field of psychology, there is a tremendous amount of research that explores how our thinking and beliefs impacts our experience. Example: Husband makes a lot of effort to give to and please his wife. However, he is very quiet about it. Often, she doesn't know how he is contributing to their life together. His fear is that he is not seen, appreciated, valued, and loved. He hopes that she will recognize his efforts and appreciate him. Yet, she, without knowing what he is doing, misses the opportunities. This hurts and validates his fear that she doesn't really care or value him. He distances and pulls away and she has an even harder time understanding him and acknowledging him. This can be a tragic and vicious cycle. WHAT IF WE PRIORITIZED THE RELATIONSHIP CLIMATE? In last week's episode, I interviewed Dr. Fred Luskin on the topic of Forgive for Love. He emphasized that we often protest against others and life, when we do not get what we want. While this initial reaction is natural and understandable, we often get trapped in this state. We tend to resist the honest, emotional work, which is to acknowledge life and love are risky and we are truly vulnerable. The real work is in facing these realities with gentleness, compassion, acceptance, and preemptive forgiveness. Instead we fight with each other, protesting and engaging in all sorts of strategies to attempt to get what we want. In 2004, during my deep, personal dive of exploring relationship dynamics. I was reading many different books. I cannot remember which one sparked this awareness. But I remember thinking, "Oh, wow. How different it would be if in relationship, we saw each other as kin on this path of life. What if we acknowledged that we are all working through pain, hurt, and injury? What if we recognized that we are all fighting with our inner demons at times? What if we could have this understanding in relationship? Would we be able to have a little more patience with each other? Would we have a little more grace in the matters?" In a committed intimate relationship, we have the opportunity to hold a very sacred space for each other. With love and intimacy, we let our guard down. We open up our hearts. At the same time, we get in touch with our insecurities, fear and vulnerability. What if we accepted that we are going to have fear, pain, and protection emerge? What if we gave each other space to work it out? What if we held a place of love and belief for one another? A safe, sacred container allows for profound personal work to occur, and there is more permission to explore without the threat of losing love and relationship. HOW TO IMPROVE THE RELATIONSHIP CLIMATE How do we nurture this proverbial container? How do we remember that we are human, wounded, and fallible? How do we remember to be compassionate, kind, and patient? People's religious and/or spiritual practices typically help tremendously in this arena. People pray for strength and guidance. People meditate to get perspective and detach from being overly identified with their pain. People reconnect with their essence of love, joy and peace, so that they can reorient their focus. Religious or spiritual communities can give a sense of support, unity, and inspiration to tolerate some of the emotional discomfort and disconnect. What if you do not have a religious or spiritual practice? Develop a practice. If you do not know what to do, start experimenting. Positive psychology focuses on topics such as happiness, gratitude, love, kindness, compassion, peace, etc. Do a few internet searches which will give you many ideas to start with. Next week, I will be talking about the power of kindness in relationship. This episode will also give you some specific ideas on how to cultivate more kindness and generosity in your relationship. Let me know if I can be of any support. Also, check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love: For a limited time only, you can use this coupon code for a 20% discount: fall2017 MENTIONED: ERP 122: How to Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate with Arielle Ford (podcast) ERP 123: Forgive For Love With Dr. Fred Luskin (podcast) ERP 095: How Your Beliefs Can Destroy Your Relationship (podcast) ERP 096: How Your Beliefs Can Destroy Your Relationship – Part Two (podcast) Photo by Jeff Sheldon on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 124: How To Improve The Climate Of Your Relationship [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

GUEST: DR. FRED LUSKIN Dr. Luskin founded and currently serves as Director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Projects. He is also Senior Consultant in Health Promotion/Wellness at the Stanford University Health Center and Department Chair in Clinical Psychology at Sofia University. At Stanford, Dr. Luskin teaches classes on Positive Psychology, The Art and Science of Meditation, Forgiveness, Wellness, Flourishing and The Psychology of Storytelling to undergraduate and graduate students. To many different organizations all over, Dr. Luskin conducts numerous workshops and trainings in relationship enhancement, stress management, emotional intelligence and positive psychology. Dr. Luskin is the author of the best-selling books "Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness" and "Forgive for Love: The Missing Ingredient for a Healthy and Happy Relationship." (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) EXCERPTS FROM DR. FRED LUSKIN WHAT IS FORGIVENESS? "Forgiveness is making peace with the word no." Dr. Fred Luskin Forgiveness is the antidote to a hissy fit, when a desire is thwarted. Forgiveness is the process of resolving the upset and being back at peace. Forgiveness is an internal cognitive, affective, storytelling process. WHAT ABOUT UNFORGIVABLE ACTS? The number of ways that people are horrific to each other is pretty much endless. When it comes to one person's experience, nobody wants anyone in their life harmed. It is unimaginably painful to sit in a group of people who have had family members killed. It is almost shocking to recognize how much this happens in this world. There is a level of compassion and understanding as an overlay. When you look at one person's experience, whether it is someone cut me off in traffic or someone murdered my child, it is still the same basic problem that I couldn't get what I wanted. This issue haunts human beings all the time. The question is not "Is that good or pleasant?" It was awful. The question is "How long does it take for our brain and soul to recover?" "If that is too big for you, which it might be, forgive everything else." Don't use that as an excuse not to forgive anything. Instead, say "this mountain is too big for me to climb, but I will climb another mountain." Even though the thing that happened is mind boggling horrific, the truth is there are many, many people who have actually had that direct experience and moving ahead with successful lives. And there are people who have had worse experiences happen to them in other parts of the world. And we can't allow all of these atrocities to form a foundation of "We are never going to get over this." If we were too say, "Yes, this is too bad to let go of." There would be no room left. We would simply weave a web of endless pain and hatred, which is not sustainable for a world. "Without forgiveness there is no future." Desmond Tutu Without forgiving, we don't have the same amount of future. We are still living in the past. FORGIVENESS IN RELATIONSHIP Imagine two people romantically interested in each other and they both have 12 pieces of luggage with them.They are both looking out behind their luggage. Between them and the 24 pieces of luggage they can barely see each other. That is the damage. If you hide behind your wounds. People can't see you and you can't see them. Not forgiving leads to bitterness. As an example, when working with someone who has experienced divorce, been left or cheated on, he will ask some questions of personal responsibility: What were you doing with that person? What were the signs that you ignored? How did you think even the simplest thing… if 50% of relationships end in divorce…and you live in a culture that doesn't do relationship well, so how can you be that shocked when it happens to you? WHEN SOMEONE STUCK? In the case of modest, normal trauma, if someone is still very, angry 6 months after the experience happens that it a bad prognosticator. Anger is meant to be a short-term defense against both seeing your complicity or starting to work on your own reactivity. Proximity to the experience matters: If after 6 month, and someone is still angry, it is not very adaptive. If someone is angry 3 months after the incident, I tend to not challenge because that is normal grief. If someone is angry 18 months later, I tend to challenge that a lot. VULNERABILITY The whole issue of forgiveness is about vulnerability. We are all so frightened to admit how frighten we are. There is a deep vulnerability that we are all struggling to cope with. We are all vulnerable to so many things and we want to keep that awareness from our consciousness. One of the ways we keep that awareness from our consciousness is we ignore it. Secondly, we have all these cognitive distortions. Like inventing rules for other people or fantasies about how life is suppose to be because we do not want to face our lack of control and influence over things. What we do with this vulnerability is we react, as we should, with grief, outrage, and fear. But if we are not careful, we identify the whole problem in the person or event that hurt us rather than seeing that we are always vulnerable. The problem with forgiveness comes when we are unwilling to sit with our vulnerability and hold the specific pain of the experience. Instead, we spend all of our energy making whatever happened to us wrong. When the whole focus is projected outward, we can't actually address the problem. The problem is to develop resilience and depth inside ourselves to handle how many times life will confront us with these type of issues. TWO CENTRAL MISTAKES In terms of relationships, human beings make two central mistakes. People forget to acknowledge that: When they commit to somebody, they are committing to their good point and their bad points. Every single human being is deeply flawed. ACCEPTANCE AND FORGIVENESS BEFOREHAND The deeper preparation in a long-term relationship is to see that "I am joining with a flawed, wounded, imperfect person." That is the absolute bottom line in relationship. The other piece is "I am flawed, wounded, and imperfect, so I am not going to see them clearly." A basic implicit compassion-forgiveness that starts at the beginning this is crucial in relationship. While it is hard, the challenge then becomes being gentle towards us both. Older couples understand the nature of their partner's flaws implicitly and love them anyway. Marriage should provide training for us to grow as people who can love, with self-control, compassion, forgiveness, gentle and kindness. Marriage and relationship can be used as spiritual practice for us to grow in our own dealing with reactivity. PRACTICE: Can you believe that somebody can actually put up with you? How is that possible? Look at all the ways you are selfish, annoying, and disrespectful. Interesting…someone will willing to come home to you. A flip in orientation from self-absorbed, narcissism to seeing the relationship from a forgiving point of view. Forgiveness is a decision. Commitment is essential for a long-term relationship, and the commitment requires some degree of forgiveness. These show notes are comprised of excerpts from Dr. Fred Luskin's interview. To learn more about forgiveness, see the resources below. Check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love: For a limited time only, you can use this coupon code for a 20% discount: fall2017 MENTIONED: Forgive for Good, by Dr. Fred Luskin Forgive for Love, by Dr. Fred Luskin Youtube videos of Dr. Fred Luskin Robert Sternberg's Triangular Theory Of Love (Wikipedia) ERP 026: How To Repair & Resolve Hurt In Relationship (podcast) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 123: Forgive For Love With Dr. Fred Luskin [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

GUEST ARIELLE FORD: Arielle Ford is a love and relationship expert and a leading personality in the personal growth and contemporary spirituality movement. For the past 25 years she has been living, teaching, and promoting consciousness through all forms of media. She is a speaker and the producer and host of Evolving Wisdom's Art of Love series. Arielle is a gifted writer and the author of 11 books, including Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate devoted to exploring a simple, fun and effective way to attain groundbreaking shifts in perception so that you can embrace and find the beauty and perfection in yourself and your mate. She calls this "going from annoyed to enjoyed!" She has been called "The Cupid of Consciousness" and "The Fairy Godmother of Love." She lives in La Jolla, CA with her husband/soulmate, Brian Hilliard and their feline friends. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) ARIELLE FORD DEFINES A SOULMATE AS: Someone you can be completely be yourself with. Someone you share unconditional love with. When you look into your partner's eyes, you have the experience of being home. IMPORTANT POINTS FROM ARIELLE FORD: WHAT IS LOVE AND THE PURPOSE OF A MARRIAGE? The fastest and best way to get a soulmate is to put your attention everyday on gratitude for all the love you already have in your life. Then, your heart become magnetic to romantic love. At least 90% of people are already with their soulmate. What you need to do is clear out all the gunk, the frustration, and all the disappointment, so that you can feel the love again. Most people don't really know what love is because we think love is a feeling. "The really important thing about love is that it is a behavior. It is a practice. It is a decision. It is a choice." Arielle Ford The purpose of marriage is to heal all of our childhood wounds. Arielle quotes Harville Hendrix in saying, "Our brain has an unconscious partner picker." We pick somebody that comes with the playbook, with the owner's manual on how to push all of our buttons, so that we can be healed. "The true path of the soulmate marriage is the deepest, most amazing, spiritual work to heal ourselves and each other. And it is not always fun." Arielle Ford DEALING WITH CHALLENGES The bad news is 50% of first marriages, 64% of second marriages, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce. The only thing that is consistent in all three marriages is you. While it looks like the problem is over there, chances are that is not true. Arielle quotes John Gottman in saying, "Every couple has a minimum of 9 irreconcilable differences." It is our job in the relationship to find creative solutions to deal with our differences. She shared a personal story about her relationship with her husband and how she negotiated a challenge with him. She said, "Nothing effectively changed until I was willing to get honest and vulnerable with him." One key she talked about in addressing a sensitive topic is understanding that "this is your best friend, your partner, your biggest cheerleader, your lover for life, your safe place to land, and approach these conversations from a place of love, kindness, and respect." If you are really angry, that is not the time to have a conversation. Go get yourself to neutral first. Learn how to have constructive conversations and listen effectively (see below for resources). "The hardest part of life isn't life, it is the other human beings in life." Arielle Ford We all want to be loved and accepted for exactly who we are. Science is now showing that for every minute you have an angry judgmental thought you suppress your immune system for up to 8 hours. "The number one way to guarantee a long, happy life is to have a happy marriage." Arielle Ford ARIELLE FORD SHARED TWO TIPS: 1. Awareness: Stop when you recognize a negative thought. Think to yourself, "Cancel. Cancel." Replace the negative thought with a better thought. 2. Create a new connection: Get yourself to neutral. With pen and paper, write down some memories about your partner and your relationship. What was it like when you first met? How did you feel when you met your partner? What are some of the best experiences you have had together? What have you most admired and respected about your partner? What are the happiest memories you shared together as a couple? Read the list and then write your partner the most beautiful love letter. Then, put it in an "I love you just because card" and put it in a place where they will find it when you are not around. DOUBTING THE RELATIONSHIP? If you are having serious doubts about your relationship, take 6 months to try new ways of relating before leaving your partner. Take baby steps. Read and learn relationship skills (see below), and see if you can reignite your love and connection. There is a 90% chance that you are with your soulmate and they still can be, but there are weeks, months or years of gunk in the way. You don't need to wait until your partner is willing to engage in growth work. If you start changing, it is likely your partner will start changing too. If you are experiencing abuse or addiction issues in your relationship, please seek professional counseling. Attempt to address only one issue at a time. Communicate from a place of being a friend, being kind, and open to hearing. Check out the resources below as well as the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love: For a limited time only, you can use this coupon code for a 20% discount: fall2017 MENTIONED: Register for your first chapter of "Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate" by Arielle Ford (opt-in) SoulmateSecret.com (Arielle's "Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate" website) SolumatePassion.com (Arielle's "The Soulmate Secret" website) The Soulmate Secret (Arielle's FaceBook page) A Step-by-Step Guide To Turn Any Argument Into Effective Communication (article) What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship? (article) ERP 036: How To Offer The Gift Of Listening (podcast) ERP 109: How Being Gentle With Your Partner Can Make A Big Difference (podcast) Harville & Helen Hendrix (website) The Gottman Institute (website) The Hendricks Institute (website) Mary Morrissey (website) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 122: How To Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate, with Arielle Ford [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S QUESTION "I've been listening to your podcasts and they've been really helpful thank you! I am thinking of approaching my partner about your program in the near future because I think we would benefit from it greatly. Moving forward, I have a question for your podcast. For a bit of context, because I was working and undertaking law school at the same time I didn't really date and have never had a boyfriend until recently. My mother is the biggest influence on my life and before I moved in with my now boyfriend of almost 3 yrs, I was living with her. I met him on Tinder and hid the fact that I was seeing someone and I didn't introduce him to her until we decided we were official. She was hurt that I didn't tell her about him earlier and the first thing she said to me when she met him was that while he was nice, I should see other people. I respectfully told her that we were already committed and that I didn't want to see other people. I believe that no one will ever be 'good enough' in my mother's eyes and since then, while she is polite and even charming in person – she has continued to give me grief about choosing my boyfriend and choosing to stay with him. Most of our arguments revolve around him in some way because she never fails to bring him up and make him 'an issue' for even something as petty as my boyfriend not driving a flashy new car. My question to you is, I probably haven't been authentic or completely honest in my relationship because I haven't told my boyfriend that my mother doesn't completely approve of him so… should I tell him? Or at least share with him the burden of this knowledge because by protecting him from it, I've been hurt and I've lied. I don't want him to dislike my mother because I love and respect her at the end of the day but I'm tired of pretending we just 'had another argument' and that I'm ok because I'm not. It's also a very lonely experience. I have close friends who support me and know about the situation but my boyfriend is not aware of this. I look forward to any advice you can provide." Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples. Check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love: For a limited time only, you can use this coupon code for a 20% discount: fall2017 DR. JESSICA HIGGINS' RESPONSE: Thank you for submitting your question. I imagine this has been an extremely difficult circumstance, and I am hopeful that you can improve the dynamic greatly. A few questions to start with: How come you did not want to tell your mother about your relationship to begin with? Were there patterns in your relationship with her that you are already uncomfortable with before you started dating your boyfriend? It is possible that on some level you were anticipating the dynamic to be challenging? Understanding your reasons for not telling her initially could be revealing and helpful in getting clear on what your needs and boundaries are with you mother. Gaining insight to this will also help in communicating your needs and boundaries with her, as you will have a more solid ground to stand on. Some possible reasons could be: Needing to find your own way. Feel your own identity. Make your own decisions without being so heavily influenced. Or simply wanting more space. Not being so connected to her along the way. Not having her be so involved. Or maybe she has had a history of displaying negativity for your individual pursuits. For example, does she get anxious and worried, and not trust you to make decisions for yourself because she wants to protect you. Or maybe she feels a little threatened that she will lose you. Or possibly she wants the best for you, but sometimes puts her judgment and opinions on you. It is interesting that you waited 3 years to share your relationship with your mother. You waited until it was serious enough (moving in together) to tell her. It almost seems as though you didn't want her input until the relationship was already established. From the sounds of it, it doesn't sound like your mom gave him much of a chance. If she had gotten to know him and then was expressing some objection, then maybe I would suggest giving her an opportunity to express her perceptions and judgments. However, this is not the case. She didn't give him a chance. Taking in feedback from family and friends can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, it is great to get perspectives from people you know and trust. On the other hand, they are definitely biased and not a neutral party. Therefore, they may not see things as clearly as you would like and their opinions are often clouded by their own agenda. In regards to her statement about "seeing other people," do you know what this was about for her? For example: Is it her stuff (see above examples)? Is she thinking you should get more dating experience? Is this her first impression, and she wants more for you in that she thinks you can do better? 1. ADDRESS THE ISSUE. Since you and your mother have been arguing about the issue, I am assuming she knows you are not happy about the dynamic. Although, if you decide to move forward with some new ways of relating to her, it might be helpful to clearly and specifically state your issue with her. For example, "When you talk in ways that suggest I should not be as committed to my boyfriend or when you point out negative aspects of my boyfriend, I feel hurt, scared, angry and uncomfortable." 2. HELP HER UNDERSTAND: It is possible she may still be grappling with the fact that she has been out of the loop for so long. Maybe the only explanation she is coming up with is that you had something to hide… that you were not proud of your boyfriend or your relationship. While you may be trying to protect her feelings, I doesn't sound like it is working for you or for her. Try to help her understand your honest experience to the best of your ability. For example, "You are such an important person in my life. I respect your opinion so much, and yet sometimes I wonder if I have relied on your input too much. I really want to be able to make more own decisions and learn for myself what works for me and what does not work for me." "I do want to include you in my life. However, I may want some space and time to figure things out on my own first." 3. LET HER KNOW YOUR DISCOMFORT AND PAIN. Again, clearly and specifically state your issue. For example: "When you talk in ways that suggest I should not be as committed to my relationship or when you point out negative aspects of my relationship or partner, I feel hurt, scared, angry and uncomfortable." Feeling examples: Hurt that I don't feel your support, trust, and belief. Scared about the possibility that you may never accept him and it will negatively impact my relationship with you, your relationship with him, and our possible future together as extended family. Angry that I continue to feel so upset by the whole dynamic. It doesn't feel okay to me. Uncomfortable because I feel divided in my loyalties. For example: "When you speak poorly about us or him, I feel as though you are speaking poorly about me. It hurts me. I love him. I have chosen him. It is as if you are telling me what I love is bad, not good enough or that my decision is not good enough." "He is my person. I am loyal to him. He is becoming (or is) my family too. I feel super uncomfortable and divided when you speak negatively about us or him. I do not want to feel as if I have to choose between loyalties. Loyalty to you as my mother and loyalty to him as my boyfriend." 4. LET HER KNOW YOUR LIMITS AND BOUNDARIES. Assuming you already know your limits (from your question, it sounds like you have a good idea of what is not working for you. Although, if you still want support with this, see below for additional resources. Also, may want to do a general google search on "how to set boundaries with a parent"). For example: "Moving forward, I will not engage in negative talk about my relationship or my boyfriend. If you want to complain or express your worry or concern, I will politely excuse myself from the conversation or interaction." 5. GIVE HER SOME GUIDANCE: If her current input is not what you are wanting, then perhaps it would be a good idea to tell her what you DO want from her. For example: "I would love for you to give him a chance. I would love for you to get to know him, look at his positive traits, and try to see why I love him." "I would love for you to respect my choice in a partner. Even if you do not agree or totally get it, I would love for you to support my decision to be with him." "Ideally, I would love for you to see his goodness and start to let him in and develop a relationship with him." To your specific question: "My question to you is, I probably haven't been authentic or completely honest in my relationship because I haven't told my boyfriend that my mother doesn't completely approve of him so… should I tell him? Or at least share with him the burden of this knowledge because by protecting him from it, I've been hurt and I've lied." 6. COMMUNICATE YOUR ACTIONS STEPS IF SHE BREAKS YOUR BOUNDARY. I would communicate with your mother what you will do if she crosses your boundary. This will help her know what she can expect. You may let her know that up until now you have been holding her disapproval privately. However, you are no longer willing to carry the dishonesty and burden of the inauthentic behavior. You can tell her that you will not be keeping this a secret any longer. You will no longer be willing to lie or deceive your boyfriend. As uncomfortable as it is to set a limit with her, this dynamic has been too painful. I would give your mother a chance to adjust to your boundaries. Even warn her when she starts to cross them, and then make sure you follow through. This is the most important part. If you do not assert your boundary, then your mother is likely to continue on with her behavior. WHAT IF SHE DOES NOT CHANGE? If she continues to express her disapproval, even with your setting boundaries and removing yourself from the interaction. Then, I think it is really appropriate and healthy to bring your boyfriend into the fold. For example: "I want to talk to you about my mother. As you know, my mother and I have been very close in my life. And since I have not dated very much at all, this is a new experience for her. I have been struggling with how to deal with her and how this all gets very complicated. As you know, I did not want to include her at all at first. I wanted to protect our relationship from her antics. I am still working out with her what her issues are whether she feels scared of losing me or what. I feel terrible that she has not been more supportive and respectful. I have been setting limits with her and I will continue to do so. I will no longer protect her. If she does something unsupportive or disrespectful, I will remove myself from the situation. I will do my best to take care of our relationship and you. I would like for you to know how hard this has been for me. I feel sadness and grief that she has not been easier to deal with and that she hasn't truly welcomed our relationship or you with open arms and a warm heart. I don't want to feel hurt you. I understand this might be confusing and even feel like a betrayal. For she seems to approve when we are together, and then expresses her disapproval when you are not around. At some point, I would love for you to understand this is more about how my mother treats me and our relationship than it is about you. I would love to be able to turn to you and let you know how much it bothers me and upsets me that she cannot be supportive in the way that I want her to be." WHAT IF HE THINKS NEGATIVELY OF HER? Your mother has made some choices about how she has shown up in this situation. This is reflective of her and her experience. As much as you can try, you cannot control her or her behavior. If you set limits and boundaries with her, help her understand your parameters, than you are not betraying her. She is making a decision based on the information and boundaries you have set. Your boyfriend is going to experience what is real. It is important for him to know what is really going on, so that he can learn how to deal with the situation as well. You can not do this work for him. He will have his own process. You cannot continue to pretend for her. It is hurting you too much. You are not responsible for her behavior, and it is not okay to ask you to lie and pretend for her. I truly believe this dynamic will improve greatly if you can find your position and communicate your limits and boundaries clearly with your mother…AND take action to follow through in honoring your own boundaries. Let me know how it goes and if I can be of any support. Check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love: For a limited time only, you can use this coupon code for a 20% discount: fall2017 MENTIONED: ERP 053: How To Build Emotional Assertiveness In Relationship (podcast) ERP 025: Be The Best You Can Be In Relationship (podcast) ERP 057: How To Avoid Enabling Your Partner's Destructive Behavior (podcast) ERP 018: How To Deal With Feelings Of Anger In Relationship (podcast) ERP 012: Dealing With Extended Family's Expectations (podcast) Photo by Taduuda on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 121: How To Get An Unsupportive Parent Onboard [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Trust is essential to the success of a happy, loving, lasting relationship. Yet, many of us are confused about how to develop trust in a relationship. In episode 118, I offered you 2 of the 5 tips in how to build trust with your partner. I encourage you to check it out if you missed it. In episode 119, I discussed Brené Brown's talk on The Anatomy of Trust, where she offers important components of trust, which is based on her research and findings. Brené Brown gives us an acronym to work with: B.R.A.V.I.N.G. To recap, B is for boundaries, R is for reliability, A is for accountability. V is for the vault. I is for integrity. N is for non-judgment. G is for generosity. Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples. TIPS TO DEVELOPING TRUST IN RELATIONSHIP Let's continue to use the Trust Fall exercise as an analogy as we look at how to develop a solid foundation for trust in relationship. 3. Letting go. The act of falling back requires taking a risk and being vulnerable. This is especially true when we do not know someone that well or do not have previous trusting experience to rely on. Before letting go, it is important to have invested in step one, "clarifying agreements," and step two, "creating safety." These steps focus on communication, how to work together, and how to set-up the interaction well. It doesn't provide a guarantee, but it can eliminate a lot confusion and misunderstandings. Letting go involves giving up the attempts to control (i.e. not trying to catch yourself). What comes up for you when you have a choice to "fall back"? Do you notice any level of fear and anxiety? This is normal, and what do you do with the fear and anxiety in relationship? Do you: Occupy the space through talking, entertaining, and telling stories and not giving people a chance to respond or be there for you. Try to hide or conceal your authentic feelings by pretending everything is great and wonderful all the time. Distract by bringing attention to others through questions, criticism, or attacks. Denying any of your needs, wants, or desires, by being extra self-reliant and self-sufficient. "I don't need anyone." "It's okay. I am okay." With previous trauma or old pain, it can be very difficult to let go. "You don't have to rely on unreliable people anymore." (story) A trust fall does not work if someone doesn't want to fall or tries to control the process. They don't get to experience and the benefit of being caught. "You caught me." There is a certain intimacy and closeness that comes from being caught by someone as well as catching someone who is relying on you. If we never let go, we never allow someone to catch-us. Letting go requires a willingness to be vulnerable. If you missed the series about vulnerability. You can check out the first episode here. 4. Allowing for Time & Practice. Work out the kinks in your interactions. Take the time to evaluate what is working well and what is not well. Work towards learning and understanding each other better (i.e. intentions, values, meanings, and approaches). Accept what your partner shares with you about their experience and reality. This is very challenging when we think we know what is going on. When one partner gets to their vulnerable truth, it can be hard for their partner to believe them and let down their guard. This is most difficult after long periods of cyclical arguments…almost as if they have been adversaries on this issue for so long they don't know how to calibrate the shift. Offer forgiveness, if you can. Try to acknowledge how they were doing the best they could even if it was not what you wanted. Prioritize the value of trust. Some people worry that they are being too picky, controlling or uptight. As Brené Brown talked about in her The Anatomy of Trust talk, there are important qualities to the health and trust in relationships. It can be crazy making to question whether or not you have trust issues or if your partner is not trustworthy. To evaluate the level of trust within you and your partner's interactions, consider taking an honest look at step one and step two in episode 118, as well as the components of trust in episode 119. If you and your partner's interactions are trusting and trustworthy, then consider looking at your ability to be vulnerable and what is making that difficult for you. 5. Believing in your worthiness: Staying in a relationship with someone who is untrustworthy and is not willing to engage in a constructive process together can lead to a toxic dynamic. This can be especially problematic when one doubts their lovability and if they will ever find someone else. "One of the biggest casualties with heartbreak and disappointment and failure and our struggle is not just a loss of trust with other people but the loss of self trust. When something hard happens in our lives the first thing we say is I will not trust myself. I was so stupid. I was so naive." by Brené Brown You can develop self-trust by looking at how you show-up for yourself, how you take care of yourself, and how you advocate for yourself. Consider using Brené Brown's B.R.A.V.I.N.G. to look at your level of trust with yourself. "Did I honor my own boundaries? Was I reliable, can I count on myself? Did I hold myself accountable? Was I really protective of my stories? Did I stay in my integrity? Was I judgmental towards myself? Did I give myself the benefit of the doubt, was A generous towards myself? by Brené Brown You can't have a genuine relationship without bringing yourself to the relationship. You can't enter into a good exchange, if you don't show up. "I don't trust people who don't love themselves but say I love you." by Maya Angelou You deserve to be treated with love. You are worthy. The possibility of your creating a trusting relationship does exist. You are not doing anyone any favors by engaging in untrustworthy behaviors. PRACTICE STEP: Is there a way you can improve one aspect of trust in your relationship? Maybe you can clarify your agreements, address a specific area of trust, or let yourself fall back into your partners arms. Try focusing on one aspect to develop more trust in your relationship. MENTIONED: ERP 118: How to build trust with your partner (podcast) ERP 119: How To Build Trust With Your Partner – Part Two (podcast) Brené Brown's The Anatomy of Trust (video of her talk) ERP 114: How To Develop The Strength Of Vulnerability (podcast) ERP 115: How to develop the strength of vulnerability – Part Two(podcast) ERP 112: What Makes Being Vulnerable So Hard? (podcast) ERP 113: How to Identify Manipulative & Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Paul Colaianni (podcast) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 120: How To Build Trust With Your Partner – Part Three [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.