Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

LISTENER'S QUESTION "I love your podcast! Thank you so much for all your advice. I have been dating a guy ten years my age for just over a year. The first 5 months of our relationship I was emotionally cheating with my ex. When it became open I cut off communication and worked very hard to gain back trust. It's been eight months on a rollercoaster of emotions trying to earn back trust. I did everything I thought to do to fix my mistakes and it seemed futile. It came to the point where I told myself I was "done" if he aggressively accused me and belittled me one more time. It happened of course and that was a turning point for me. I have lost interest in trying. Now my boyfriend decided he doesn't want to lose me and wants to work on things and even offered to pay for counselling… but I can't get my ex (whom I cheated on with) out of my head. I haven't contacted him since I don't want things to be messier than they are but I don't know what to do. Is my obsession with my ex is real or fake. Should I stay and fix this since my boyfriend wants to work on things or should I move on or contact my ex?" (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) POINTS DISCUSSED It is nearly impossible to create a thriving, intimate, safe, conscious connection, when there is a lot of withholding. "Withdrawal and projection are the natural outcomes of withholding. When you withhold, you keep inside yourself things that should be expressed. The very act of hiding these things takes you one step back from the relationship. A result of this withdrawal is that you will begin to project. In other words, you begin to attribute to other people things that are actually issues of your own. Withdrawal follows withholding so swiftly that often we do not notice the sense of distance at first." By Gay Hendricks & Kathlyn Hendricks (Conscious Loving, page 48) It is difficult to assess the quality of the connection (because you haven't been fully present). You can only speculate what things would be like if you were really "in" the relationship. Withholding leads to perceiving things inaccurately because we are not actually connecting with the other person, we are making up a story about it true for them and this leads to gross misunderstandings and disconnect. More importantly, it does not give room for the other person to really see you, meet you, and be with you AND this is what creates intimacy and connection. This is a vicious cycle. The more you withhold, the more your partner senses something is off. Your partner has a choice in how he deals with the threatening feelings. Unfortunately, many people do not feel safe or have the skill to say "I am scared you are not really in this with me." Instead, people will react out of fear and disconnect. This is where destructive behaviors happen. This is where the downward spiral ensues. Both partners turn away from each other, losing trust in one another and the relationship. RECOMMENDATIONS: Set limits about what type of behavior you are willing to engage with. If he starts belittling you, then I would remove yourself from the situation. It will be important to discuss this ahead of time. Let him know you care about his experience. If he has concern, issue, or feelings about something, you are available to listen and be with him. But you are not willing to be the target. Talking about it ahead of time will help him understand that you are not rejecting him in the moment, rather you are trying to create safety by removing yourself from a negative interaction. Turn inward to reflect on some of your deeper motivations. What does your ex represent for you? What associations do you have with him? What are you missing in your current relationship? Want are you longing for? What does fantasizing about your ex do for you? Is it a form of escape? For example, you are not wanting to face the pain and difficulty within your relationship. What stops you from being completely honest and transparent? Are you afraid of his reaction? Are you afraid of hurting him? Do you feel scared of conflict? Do you not feel safe? Do you not want to lose your partner? Many times people get preoccupied with questions like "Is this the right person for me? Is this the right relationship? Should I stay or should I go?" These are very difficult questions to answer. Instead, I would like to encourage questions like "How can we invest in a positive, constructive dynamic together? How can we build a safe connection? How can we build trust?" You already know the dynamic isn't working. Focus on repairing the interactions and this will give you a better opportunity of saving your relationship. I would highly recommend getting support to work through the areas that have been keeping you stuck, as well as to build a constructive path forward. At the very least, you will learn a lot about yourself. MENTIONED: Nine Destructive Behaviors to Avoid During Relationship Conflict(article) ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship(podcast) ERP 057: How To Avoid Enabling Your Partner's Destructive Behavior(podcast) ERP 109: How Being Gentle With Your Partner Can Make A Big Difference(podcast) ERP 106: What To Do When You Are Attracted To Someone Else(podcast) ERP 024: The Most Important Ingredient To Shifting Conflicts(podcast) ERP 025: Be The Best You Can Be In Relationship(podcast) ERP 014: How To Stop The Drama In Relationship(podcast) ERP 124: How To Improve The Climate Of Your Relationship(podcast) ERP 138: The most critical ingredient for relationship success with Harville Hendrix & Helen Hunt(podcast) ERP 123: Forgive For Love With Dr. Fred Luskin(podcast) Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment(book) Photo by Shoaib SR on Unsplash Photo by Aditya Saxena on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 139: How Hiding And Withholding Damage Your Relationship [TRANSCRIPT] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Dr. Hendrix is a couple's therapist with over 40 years experience as an educator, clinical trainer and lecturer whose work has been on Oprah 18 times. In addition to Dr. Hunt's partnership with her husband in the co-creation of Imago, she is sole author of Faith and Feminism. She was installed in the Women's Hall of Fame for her leadership in the global women's movement. Helen and Harville have been married for over 30 years, have six children, and reside in Dallas, Texas. LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT: Why we fall in love and what happens in the partnering process. What drives us and compels us towards particular people. What is going on in the brain when we partner in a love relationship. How childhood experiences impact our relational needs. "Your unconscious mind is experiencing and connecting with a person in adulthood who is similar to the caretakers you had in childhood, and that activates the hope and possibility that you will get those needs met." • How couples can shift their relationship dynamics. • When there is conflict how to understand what unconscious patterns might be involved, and a valuable tool to help identify and assist in shifting these unconscious patterns."The formula embedded in your frustration with your partner is a wish in disguise, in that it is an unexpressed desire." • How to engage in a dialogue process with your partner to increase understanding, empathy, and connection. • What the term Zero Negativity means. • Why negativity is one of the worst things you can do in relationship."The primary commitment is to reconnect as quickly as possible so our brains don't become habituated to a disconnected state." • Important advice about what is most important to making relationships successful. MENTIONED: • The Space Between: The Point of Connection (book) • Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition (book) • Making Marriage Simple: Ten Relationship-Saving Truths (book) • Harville & Helen (website) • Relationships First (website) • The Gottman Institute (website) • Dr. Sue Johnson (website) • Dr. Dan Siegel (website) • Dr. Stephen Porges (website) TRANSCRIPT:Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 138: The Most Critical Ingredient For Relationship Success, With Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt [TRANSCRIPT] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or doing relationship coaching work with me.

GUEST: KATE MOYLE Kate Moyle is an Accredited Psychosexual & Relationship Therapist and In House Expert and Partner at Pillow App for Couples. Pillow helps busy couples to fit intimacy into their lives in a convenient and connecting way, by providing audio-guided intimacy episodes that focus on sensual touch, communication, eye-contact and other basic forms of intimacy.. Kate is passionate about having open, honest and realistic conversations about sex, relationships and intimacy in order to help those she works with and the thousands that have downloaded Pillow get closer to achieving the relationships that they want. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT: What a psychosexual therapist is and what they do. How to define or redefine sex and intimacy. How we typically measure the health of our sex lives. Learn how to communicate about sex with your partner when you have different needs or desires. How to deal with your expectations and assumptions about sex. What to do when you feel pressure to perform. How to gain confidence and be comfortable with the role of sex in our lives. How to build intimacy and connection in relationship. MENTIONED: Pillow (website) Kate Moyle (website) Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence (Amazon link) Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 137: How To Make Space For Sex In Your Relationship [TRANSCRIPT] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

If you missed part one, please check out ERP 135, where I give you a greater understanding of what is happening during the grieving process. I talk about what to look out for if you are experiencing loss in your life, as well as what you might expect with the stages of grief. In this episode, I give you 6 tips on how to cope and heal when dealing with loss in your life and relationship. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) 6 TIPS ON HOW TO COPE WITH GRIEF & LOSS These tips can be used and combined in various ways. They not intended to be used in any particular order. T.R.I.B.E.S. T. Take Action. Somatic psychology research helps us understand the importance of using our bodies to shift the emotional charge and intensity of a loss. R. Ritual. Homemade rituals can be powerful ways to bring our healing and intentions into focus. I. Impeccable self-care. As mentioned in ERP 135, when grieving, our whole system (physically, emotionally, psychologically) is trying to cope with the loss. Giving yourself the extra support and care will help you recover more efficiently and effectively. B. Be Present With Love. At some point, we have to choose, whether or not we are going to deny it, fight it, or attempt to control it, or are we going to accept the loss. Accepting often feels like a sense of surrender. When we are present and open, we are more available to the presence of love all around us. "Sometimes it feels as though we are broken open to find that we are whole." E. Express Yourself. You have to "Feel it to heal it." When we attend to our emotional process, we have a greater opportunity to heal and grow. You have to "Name it to tame it." S. Seek Support. While being around friends and family may be difficult, meaningful connection can offer feelings of connection, warmth, and positivity. As a reminder grief looks different for each person, be gentle with yourself and do your best to work with your healing process. If you need extra support, consider reaching out to a therapist or coach. MENTIONED: ERP 135: How to handle Grief and loss in relationship – Part One (podcast) ERP 036: How To Offer The Gift Of Listening (podcast) ERP 112: What Makes Being Vulnerable So Hard? (podcast) Santa Barbara Bucket Brigade 2018 (Volunteer page) Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma (book) Ram Dass: Fierce Grace (dvd) Coping With Grief & Loss, by HelpGuide.org (article) Empowered Relationship FB Page TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Grief is a universal emotion, and loss is an experience we can all relate to…whether we have been faced with a tragedy beyond our control, like a natural disaster, or whether we are contemplating a relationship separation or divorce. Even the act of addressing long-standing issues in relationship, can bring up feelings of anticipatory grief. This is especially true when confronting significant issues or issues that haven't been dealt with for a long while. Once we are questioning the relationship, we are contemplating the possible loss. Grief is a natural response to loss and can evoke intense emotional pain. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) EMOTIONAL LITERACY & GRIEF Processing grief is a difficult task in and of itself and is made even more difficult when we have little experience paying attention to our emotional world. When we are not accustomed to meeting our feelings, we do not have emotional literacy. Emotional literacy refers to the ability to understand, express, and manage our feelings. In Dr. Jennifer Ballarini's post, "The Police Officer's Paradox," she quotes Lt. Al Benner with the San Francisco Police. "To function effectively in our job, you must annihilate, smother, and suppress normal emotions like fear, anger, revulsion, and even compassion. To do so otherwise is to invite overwhelming doubt or hesitancy when decisive action is required. The penalty for your achieved competence is a mindset that might as well be a foreign language to your social contemporaries. We are…victims of our own success. When these same normal and appropriate emotions…surface in personal relationships, we automatically shut down and wonder why, over time, that the people we care about the most complain that we are aloof, cold, and uncommunicative." — Lt. Al Benner, San Francisco Police People in other professions like surgeons, doctors, nurses, first responders, firefighters, etc. are also required to set aside their emotions, so that they can focus on their job to protect, save, and heal. Our upbringings can also influence our emotional literacy. If we grew up in an environment that did not welcome, allow, or value emotions, then we are likely to have negative beliefs about emotions. For example, emotions are: irrational purposeless valueless not to be trusted dangerous unsafe unknown mysterious. When we do not have experience giving our emotions value, we tend to feel overwhelmed when confronted with intense emotional pain. We have a hard time being with present with our feelings. We don't know what to do. WHAT GRIEF FEELS LIKE: Grief will look different for each person. There is no right way to grieve and there is no exact time frame for the process. The feelings of grief often come in waves. You may feel fine one moment and then the next moment, you may feel unbearable pain. Your body is working overtime to recover and heal. You will likely undergo an emotional, physical, psychological response to the loss. You may experience a range of feelings: Shock Numbness Sadness Guilt Anger Fear Irritability You may experience physical symptoms such as: No appetite or nausea Sleep disturbances Difficulty thinking or making decisions Fatigue Anxiety Stressed Mental focus and memory difficulties. You may be struggling with questions like: Who am I now? What is really important now? You may feel a sense of shattering of your: Identity Goals Dreams Desires Expectations. WHAT TO BE AWARE OF WITH GRIEF: Grief will trigger feelings of previous loss grief and loss. Pay special attention to when you are activated (or triggered) and what feelings are coming up for you, especially if you have experienced trauma in the past. I highly encourage seeking additional support in this event. Grief is different than depression. If you notice that you are having negative thoughts or negative behaviors towards yourself, please consider getting support and guidance to handle your loss. A depressive state can greatly complicate the grieving and healing process. FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF 1. Shock or Denial. "This can't be happening. I don't know how to process this. This is too much to deal with. I can't do this right now." 2. Anger. "This is messed up. I am so mad at you. Why did you do this to me? You ruined my life. I wasted so much time with you." 3. Bargaining. "What if we tried this or tried that? What if I was different in this way? What if I did this for you?" 4. Acceptance. "She is leaving me. I don't want to be in relationship anymore. I am sad, but it is what it is." 5. Moving on. "I am going to focus on improving myself. I am going to make a list of all the things I want to do. I want to meet new people." Be patient with your grieving process. Stay tuned for part two for tips in how to deal and cope with grief and loss. To take your relationship development to the next level, check out the Connected Couple program. MENTIONED: ERP 112: What Makes Being Vulnerable So Hard? (podcast) ERP 080: Finding Family: Part Two (podcast) The Police Officer's Paradox, by Dr. Jennifer Ballarini (article) Coping With Grief & Loss, by HelpGuide.org (article) Empowered Relationship FB Page Photo by Ben White on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

GUEST: CANDY CRAWFORD Candy Crawford, MSW, LCSW, is a therapist, educator, and advocate for highly sensitive people. She maintains a private practice in the Chicago area, where she specializes in working with the highly sensitive and facilitates workshops and retreats in collaboration with Elaine Aron, research psychologist and pioneer in the study of this trait. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON FACTS: Highly Sensitive Person is a layman's term. The scientific name is Sensory Processing Sensitivity. It is innate and occurs in 20% of the population. Therefore, 1 in 5 people have this trait. It is not a disorder or developmental issue. It occurs equally in men and women. 70% are introverted. 30% are extroverted. The tendency is found in the immune system, as well as the central nervous system. It is found in over 100 animal species. FOUR PILLARS OF HSP: D.O.E.S. D: Depth of processing. O: Over arousal or overwhelm. E: Emotional intensity. S: Sensory sensitivity. "Our brain is processing information in a more concentrated form." By Candy Crawford HOW DO I KNOW IF I AM HIGHLY SENSITIVE? If you think you might be a Highly Sensitive Person, you may want to take a self assessment test to get an indication (by Elaine Aron). Here are a couple of examples from Elaine Aron's HSP Self-test: "I am easily overwhelmed by strong sensory input." "I seem to be aware of subtleties in my environment." "I have a rich, complex inner life." "I notice and enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, works of art." If you are a parent and want to determine if your child is a HSP, then you can take this self-test to identify if your child has the trait. BENEFITS AND CHALLENGES TO BEING A HSP People who are highly sensitive offer great gifts to the world. They typically offer unusual depth and complexity, tenderness, and conscientiousness. They tend to be great listeners, leaders, and loyal companions. They are often creative and compassionate. One of the main drawbacks of having this trait is 80% of the population doesn't understand the experience of a highly sensitive person. Therefore, a highly sensitive person often feels misunderstood. Another consideration is that the demands of our modern, busy, chaotic world can feel overwhelming. "We exhibit such a full range of humanity." by Candy Crawford Important notes: Self-care is a critical key to thriving as a highly sensitive person. HSP's need daily down time. The goal is to strive for an Optimal Level of Arousal, which is where the nervous system is moderately alert and aroused, in that too much or too little stress can be problematic. "It requires a certain level of courage and a sense of self to live in alignment with your trait." by Candy Crawford SENSITIVITY AND INTIMACY: HSP's tend to get very bored in relationship. They don't enjoy small talk and prefer deeper conversations. They enjoy discussing existential topics. They love to process about their relationships. They bring a level of intensity. They can become overwhelmed quickly when in conflict. They look for meaning and significance in relationship. Understanding and gaining education about the needs of the highly sensitive person can be helpful in enabling the couple to work together in collaboration rather than resorting to blame, comparisons, and criticism. Helpful ways to interact with a HSP: Take an interest in your partner. Be curious. What has moved you? What was something you wondered about today? Tips for a HSP: Know your limits. Remove yourself when you get overwhelmed. Take care of yourself. Communicate your needs. To learn an important suggestion in how to develop a stronger sense of self, please listen to the interview with Candy Crawford. "In relationship, you want two fully functioning independent people showing up." by Candy Crawford MENTIONED: The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine Aron (website) HSP Self-Test (self-test) Candy Crawford LCSW (website) The Highly Sensitive Person (book) Sensitive (documentary) Sensitive and In Love (documentary HSP and Horses (event) HSP Gatherings (event) Is Your Child Highly Sensitive? (self-test) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! ❤ If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LASER COACHING SESSION In this episode, I offer feedback to a listener who wants to deepen the level of commitment in his relationship, but is worried about coming on too strong and scaring her off. He is also afraid of getting rejected. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear the conversation and examples to describe these points.) TIPS TO CONSIDER: State your desire as openly and honestly as possible. Practice safe vulnerability. Take care of yourself. Look for an opportunity for mutual engagement. Give space for your partner's authentic experience. Honor your values and relationship goals. Excerpt from The Gottman Institute: "If you suffer a physical injury, would you wait weeks or even years before seeing a doctor? Probably not, because you know that a doctor can assess what's wrong and treat it before things gets worse. Unfortunately, most couples don't think of emotional injuries in the same way. The average couple waits six years before seeking help, and by that point it can too late. The good news is that, according to the research, prevention is 3x more effective than intervention." To get support and invest in the strength and health of your relationship, check out the Connected Couple program. MENTIONED: The Gottman Institute (website) Photo by Gerome Viavant on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 133: How to confront the commitment conversation when you are afraid of rejection [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

GUEST: ANI ANDERSON AND BRIAN TRZASKOS Ani Anderson and Brian Trzaskos are a dynamic husband and wife team who help compassionate entrepreneurs create the financial freedom they really want without compromising their integrity. As sought after rehabilitation and energy medicine professionals for over two decades, they have helped thousands of people achieve their desires through employing natural law and sensation-based mindset practices. Together they have created multiple businesses, a teaching institute, blended a family, and love sharing with other couples the secret to their success. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) NOTES FROM ANI ANDERSON AND BRIAN TRZASKOS: Brian & Ani share their story and how they came into relationship with a deep desire for a more expanded experience in life. They talked about the transformational process of being honest, authentic, and clear about their path to move forward together. "Storms happen in people's life. Things just come out of nowhere and are completely unexpected, but when we meet them with complete honesty and integrity than everyone through the process has an opportunity to shift and change and come to a higher level of being within themselves also." – Brian Trzaskos Memory recapitulation process: 3 favorite memories from childhood. 3 favorite personal memories as an adult. 3 favorite professional memories as an adult. Through the sensation-based mindset work, you can identify the top felt quality and sensation from these memories. To discover more about the sensation-based word you identified, you can look up the definition, synonyms and antonyms of the top sensation. The opposite of the felt sensation will be a key part of your experience. Then, you will come up with a statement for the sensation-based word, which then becomes your compass for making decisions. This sentence structure becomes your Soul's Agenda Statement. In relationship, your partner can support your soul's agenda, and you can support their soul's agenda as well. When you know what your partner's core purpose is, then you can ask very powerful, compassionate reminder questions. For example: What do you need to express? Where are you trapped right now? "Knowing your soul's agenda and both sides of the coin really allows people to remain conscious and open even in the difficult times, so they can see opportunities and get to the next level." Ani Anderson MENTIONED: Ani Anderson & Brian Trzaskos' website Practical Alchemist (website). Free gift: https://www.practicalalchemist.com/empoweredrelationships/ TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 132: How To Work With Your Soul's Agenda With Ani Anderson and Brian Trzaskos [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

In ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part One, I talked about the article, titled "Masters Of Love," by Emily Esfahani Smith The article discussed the key to lasting relationships comes down to kindness and generosity. Based on the research of Gottman and others, "kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage." (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) If you are interested in practicing more kindness in your relationship to strengthen your love, download this free pdf. The goal is to choose one kindness action or gesture a day for 25 days. 25 TIPS FOR BUILDING KINDNESS (16-20) 21. BE INCLUSIVE. In relationship, we can drift into being a little more self-focused. Over time the relationship can become one-sided, in that one partner dominants the decision making. How do you and your partner make decisions? Do you make unilateral decisions or do you solicit your partner's input and feedback? If you are the more assertive one in the relationship, perhaps take a little more time to include your partner in the decision making process. Consider their needs, values, and preferences AND take time to understand the importance of what those things mean to them. Most likely their interest have a particular significance to them, and when we don't take time to learn more we could be missing a great opportunity. Ask their opinion. What do you think? Let them know you value their perspective and thoughts. Include them in conversation and activities. 22. HAVE YOUR PARTNER'S BACK. How can you work together as a stronger team? This takes time, practice, and trust to develop. We all have our unique strengths and weaknesses. Maybe together, you and your partner can look at your collective efforts and how you can compliment each other and have each others' back. We all go through phases and seasons, maybe it be worth considering how to help more, if your partner is struggling. Is there a way you can offer to make your partner's life easier and take something off their plate? Another way of having your partner's back is to take your partner's side when they're upset about something outside the relationship. This means being supportive even if you think they're being unreasonable. 23. PUT YOUR PARTNER FIRST. Putting your partner first may be harder for people who have children and/or busy careers. However, many times I have seen clients feel hurt or insecure with how their partner does not prioritize their needs and preferences. This is especially true for the natural giver and pleaser in the relationship. From time to time, prioritize your partner's needs first. Help your partner feel important and cared about. Instead of putting work or the children first, put their needs first. Help them feel special. When you walk in the door, hug them first. Make their favorite dinner. Do something they want to do. Share in an activity they enjoy. 24. PRACTICE ACCEPTANCE INSTEAD OF CONTROL. Respect your partner's choices and preferences. Give space for your partner to be who they are. To alleviate anxiety, stress, and fear, it is common to want to control your partner as a source of relief. Offering acceptance to your partner helps create a feeling of unconditional regard, where your partner can let their guard down and feel okay to just be. 25. APPRECIATION & GRATITUDE In the article "Masters Of Love," by Emily Esfahani Smith quotes John Gottman "There's a habit of mind that the masters have, which is this: they are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners' mistakes." Look for the good. Focus on your partner's positive attributes. Intentionally appreciate your relationship and your partner. Your mindset and focus will greatly influence how you treat your partner. By choosing to attend to the positive aspects of your relationship, by recalling good memories, or your partner's strengths, you will add positive energy into your dynamic. When negativity arises, notice what is going on for you. You may be irritable for other reasons (i.e. long day, giving too much to other, needing a little self-care), or you have a concern with something within your relationship, or it might be a habit to scan for the negative. In all situations, it will be helpful to counterbalance the negativity by consciously choosing to acknowledge goodness in your partner. The next level is to express your appreciation and gratitude through the form of compliments, appreciations, and acknowledgements. "You look great." "I see how hard you are working and it means a lot to me." "Thank you for making me laugh." Cultivating positive interactions, big and small, helps you strengthen your relationship. Appreciations. "I appreciate…" Thank your partner. Write a love letter about what you admire about them, a endearing memory together, how you have grown closer as a couple, etc. If you are interested in practicing more kindness in your relationship to strengthen your love, download this free pdf. The goal is to choose one kindness action or gesture a day for 25 days. To take your relationship development to the next level, check out the Connected Couple program. MENTIONED: ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love (podcast) ERP 128: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part Two (podcast) ERP 129: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part Three (podcast) ERP 130: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part Four( podcast) A Step-by-Step Guide To Turn Any Argument Into Effective Communication (article) Masters Of Love by Emily Esfahani Smith (article) Brené Brown on Empathy (video) The Power Of Vulnerability (TED Talk) Listening To Shame (TED Talk) Empowered Relationship FB Page Photo by Courtney Hedger on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 131: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part Five [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! 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In ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part One, I talked about the article, titled "Masters Of Love," by Emily Esfahani Smith The article discussed the key to lasting relationships comes down to kindness and generosity. Based on the research of Gottman and others, "kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage." (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) If you are interested in practicing more kindness in your relationship to strengthen your love, download this free pdf. The goal is to choose one kindness action or gesture a day for 25 days. 25 TIPS FOR BUILDING KINDNESS (16-20) 16. ACCEPT YOUR PARTNER'S PERSPECTIVE. In relationship, people want to feel heard, understood, respected, and validated. This is especially true during conflict or a difference of opinion. Often partners will go around and around explaining themselves over and over in an attempt to feel understood. When they don't feel heard and understood, voices raise, conflict escalates and disconnect increases. Amazing shifts occur when partners can take the time to not only hear their partner's words, but truly listen… not only comprehend their partner's issue, but to understand it deeply. You do not have to agree with your partner to understand and entertain their perspective. A big key in being able to put yourself in your partner's shoes is to slow down. So often, we feel a sense of urgency and we want to rush through the conflict as quickly as possible. However, this generally causes more problems. When partners can see the validity in each other's experience, they begin to work together and their conflictual dynamic dramatically improves. Letting your partner know that you get why they feel the way they do or how their perspective makes sense (even if you don't agree) helps them feel seen, heard, acknowledged and respected. When both partners feel understood, acknowledged, and respected, they can collaborate more easily to work towards creative solutions. If you need more practice with this, consider checking out this article or some of my podcasts about conflict. 17. EMPATHIZE AND APOLOGIZE. Offer sincere empathy when you take your partner's perspective. When you imagine what it is like for them as they describe their experience, attune to their emotional world. Try to understand what they have been feeling or better yet imagine what you would feel if you were in the same scenario, exactly as they described it. Brené Brown has done so much to teach us about the power of empathy and human connection. I still recommend her TED Talks and RSA animated shorts (see below for links). Empathy can be conveyed in a few simple words or even through your nonverbal expressions and gestures (i.e. body posture and facial expressions). The goal is to be present with your partner's pain and not turn away. Be willing to "feel with" your partner. Empathy helps people feel accepted and connected, rather than feeling shame and alone. A little bit of empathy can go a long way in building an emotional bond and sense of togetherness. Apologies are where we acknowledge how our ways have impacted our partner and maybe even admit fault. Yet, many people have a hard time getting to this place because they feel defensive and protective. Apologies are easier when we drop the ball. We know we messed up and we can easily apologize. An apology is much harder when you had no intention to hurt your partner. Even harder still is apologizing when you feel that your actions were justified. In this case, it may be an apology for a specific part of the interaction. "I am sorry I reacted." "I am sorry I got defensive." "I am sorry I hurt your feelings." 18. ACKNOWLEDGE PLACES YOU AND YOUR PARTNER AGREE. As I mentioned before, negative emotions carry a lot of weight. Hence, this is why John Gottman recommends the 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions, as it takes 5 positives to counteract the 1 negative interaction. In the business sector, it is common for customer service representatives to get more negative feedback than positive. Generally, people will complain about a concern, but they will not comment about their positive experiences. This is also true in relationship. We vocalize our complaints and issues, but we don't always express our positive feedback. During conflictual times, it is easy to lose sight of the positives. We forget our partner loves us. We overlook all the ways they give and care for us. We ignore their good intentions and positive efforts to help. We forget they are in pain too. One way to acknowledge the areas that are working well in your relationship is to look at the places you agree and are on the same page. Finding opportunities for agreement can build a sense of alliance and help shift the direction of the conversation. Any form of agreement can build some quality of togetherness. Some couples have shared that when they had a bad experience with a therapist or coach, one good thing that came out of the experience is that they joined together in their complaints, which ironically had a positive impact on their relationship. 19. WORK WITH YOUR PARTNER. Learning to work with your partner, during a conflict is probably the most important task we are faced with in relationship. During a conflict, it can feel like your partner has the power to hurt you and possibly utterly destroy you, the last thing you will want to do is be gracious, kind, and emotionally vulnerable. Most likely, everything in your nervous system is going to tell you "Protect at all costs." Yet, this is the very thing that makes your partner your adversary, which will over time tear your relationship apart. As much as we would like to stay protected, behind our defenses, and only meet our partner when it appears to be safe, our hiding and protective strategies contribute to our feeling unsafe. True understanding, empathy, and collaboration cannot happen when we are busy defending and protecting ourselves. First, calm yourself down and reorient your goal to "work towards a resolution with your partner." When I just started practicing some of these relationship principles, I remember having to check-in with myself during an argument. I would ask myself "Do I want to win right now? Or do I want to work towards a resolution?" Many times, my honest answer was "I want to be right. I want to win." If that was my answer, I would do my best to shift my goal or end the conversation to revisit at a later time. If you treat your partner as an ally, you will accomplish so much more. It is so interesting that our legal system is governed by the rule "innocent until proven guilty." Yet, in our intimate relationships, we accuse each other as guilty, with the utmost certainty, even before having a dialogue. How can we be so sure? The certainty comes from our most protective instincts. Our instincts actually don't care if they are misreading the situation or are operating on inaccurate information. All they care about is protecting against any threat, saying "Better safe than sorry." This is why we need extra training in how to deal with stress, differences, and pain in relationship, so that we can be allies together on the path of long, lasting intimacy. 20. PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE. In the beginning stages of love and romance, men and women go to great lengths to show appeal and sexiness towards their partner. Then, the demands of life set in, and we can start to feel drained and depleted. Often, the goal of partner bonding becomes more practical…something along the lines of comfort, relaxation, and soothing. Unfortunately, it can feel as though time erodes the feelings of care and concern in even the best of relationships. People stop doing the nice little things they used to do for each other because they're too tired, too stressed out, or start waiting for the other person to do something nice first. Partners can feel taken for granted and horribly lonely. Have you gotten lazy in regards to romance and extra gestures of love and care? Can you do something special to express romance and/or sexiness towards your partner? Enjoy a candle lit dinner. Slow dance together. Get dressed up. Wear a sexy undergarment. Use your imagination. If you are interested in practicing more kindness in your relationship to strengthen your love, download this free pdf. The goal is to choose one kindness action or gesture a day for 25 days. Stay tuned for the last five tips for building kindness in the upcoming podcast episode. Until then, check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love: MENTIONED: ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love (podcast) ERP 128: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part Two (podcast) ERP 129: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part Three (podcast) ERP 036: How To Offer The Gift Of Listening( podcast) A Step-by-Step Guide To Turn Any Argument Into Effective Communication (article) Masters Of Love by Emily Esfahani Smith (article) Brené Brown on Empathy (video) The Power Of Vulnerability (TED Talk) Listening To Shame (TED Talk) Sex & In The City clip: Miranda Moment Brazilian (video) Empowered Relationship FB Page Photo by Alex Holyoake on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 130: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part Four [transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.