Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

In today’s episode, I’m joined by Helen Mia Harris, and we discuss the love addiction phenomenon. This complex and pervasive problem can lead to an overwhelming love withdrawal experience, lovesickness, depression, and anxiety. She talks about her experience with love addiction, why love addiction is based on personal trauma, and why she has dedicated her life to helping others who experience this phenomenon. Helen explains that the person who has the anxious attachment issue often has a propensity towards love addiction. She also talks about the difference between the need for love for a love addict in a relationship and the desire for infatuation. Listen in to learn why people use an external source to validate themselves as individuals, how a love addict finds a need to survive within the relationship, and the signs of love addiction. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.) Bio:  Helen Mia Harris is the creator of the Love Addiction, Codependency, and Heartbreak Recovery Programme. Several years ago, Helen experienced first-hand this affliction of the heart, when we love too much and experienced the grief-like symptoms of unrequited love, loss, and emotional trauma which inspired her to create the programme. Love addiction is a phenomenon that is recognised as a pervasive and complex problem. This can lead to an overwhelming experience of love withdrawal, lovesickness, depression, and anxiety.   In this episode, Helen Mia Harris and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:  How love and drugs are a panacea against emptiness The link between emotional trauma and love addiction The effects of filling a void in your life with a relationship How emotional attachment bonds work when relationship equilibrium is unbalanced Why intermittent attention reinforcement is stronger than other types of reinforcement Crushes or infatuation do not equate to love addiction The signs of love addiction When the pain of the love addict gets activated Limerence as a feature of love addiction   Mentioned Loving Too Much (website) Love and Addiction by Stanton Peele Hold Me Tight Workshop (online program) Wuthering Heights a novel by Emily Brontë   Connect with Helen Mia Harris   Loving Too Much enquiries@helenmiaharris.com Helen Mia Harris   Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins   Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship  Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins  Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts  Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation  LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins  Twitter: @DrJessHiggins  Website: drjessicahiggins.com   Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.  Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.  Thank you! 

In today’s episode, I’m joined by Lindsey Ellison, and we discuss the ways we cope with trauma and pain. We all have pain points, and it is important to understand the origins of our pain points and why we are addicted to the pain itself. She talks about her personal battle with alcoholism, why she had a breakdown, and how she decided to take the next treatment step. Lindsey speaks about her journey with deep trauma work, her experience with relationship death, and how she previously diminished her pain. Trauma+fear+wounds=addiction is the formula that we are often working with. Lindsey helps us understand how this process plays out in our lives. Our fear and trauma fuel our addictions without even being aware of their presence. Listen in to learn about why it is critical to look closely and deeply at our pain and what it is teaching us about our underlying needs, our inner-child work, and our unresolved trauma.  (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)   Bio:  Lindsey Ellison is a relationship coach and founder of Start Over Coaching, Inc., a coaching practice dedicated to helping people navigate their divorce or break up. Lindsey also specializes in helping people break free from narcissistic abuse, and is the author of the best selling book, MAGIC Words: How to Get What You Want from a Narcissist. You can find Lindsey on her popular podcast, Unbreakable You: Breakup Without Being Broken.    In this episode, Lindsey and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:  Why we are addicted to the pain in our relationship How we form habits to deal with the source of our pain The factors of co-dependency and how this affects who you are How Lindsey created her blueprint of pain The role of defense mechanisms in adulthood How our trauma feeds into the fear cycle The adult child and how we use habits to maintain our fear and trauma What Lindsey learned around her deeper need for trauma and fear How to manage the pain of your inner child daily Triggers and why we need to avoid them Why we need to give attention to, not judge, our wounds How the little “t’s” affect your emotional health over time The process of finding out the “I am nots” and how to overcome these false beliefs and triggers   Mentioned:   Hold Me Tight the book   Hold Me Tight Workshop   Connect with Lindsey Ellisen   Magic Words: How to Get What You Want from a Narcissist    Lindsey Ellisen on the web Magic Words workbook   Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:   Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship  Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins  Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts  Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation  LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins  Twitter: @DrJessHiggins  Website: drjessicahiggins.com   Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com Get access to my new group coaching starting in January. Sign up today! If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.  Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.  Thank you!   If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

In today’s episode, I’m joined by Michael McPherson as we chat about how to develop sexual energy and sexual intimacy beyond the typical immature and limited notions we live within. Michael talked about how common it is for people to grow up in environments where sex and conversations about sex are taboo. He addressed how much shame people typically feel around sex and their sexual energy, as well as how misinformed people are based on the distorted images they get from various forms of media.  Michael’s mission is to help people expand their understanding about sexual energy and sexual intimacy as well as increasing their comfortability in talking about their sexuality. Michael talked about his healing journey with the use of plant medicine, Ayahuasca ceremony, and the love and connection with his beloved. He shares some of his practices and principles with us that have contributed to his integration and transformation.  Listen in to find out how sexual energy can be used for activities other than sex, why our sexuality is mixed in with all our life experiences, how men can hide behind their sexuality, and how he took responsibility for his past actions and somatically healed. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)   Bio:  Michael McPherson is the author of Everything You Never Learned About Sex: Take Back Your Masculine Power & Use Your Sex Energy For Good, co-founder of KAKAO Ceremonial Drinking Chocolate, a non-profit devoted to saving native stains of cacao and making ceremonial-grade cacao available to the Western world, and co-founder of KAPU, a community app for light workers to share their heart-centered gifts, services, and wisdom in a safe and sacred space. In this episode, Michael and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:  How pornography impacts our ideas about sex and can warp our perspective on sexual intimacy Why men can get away with hiding behind their sexuality in society How males cover their emotional wounds and hurt with sex Infatuation and the thrill of the chase is a large percent of our relational experience How plant medicine and ceremonies can support healing from emotional turmoil and pain The difference between sex energy and sexuality How sexual energy is amplified in couplehood and how to work with intention setting together How to use sexual energy to open your heart The process by which we can start to identify sexual energy in our body How to deepen your own intimacy with your beloved through your individual practice   Mentioned: Everything You Never Learned About Sex: Take Back Your Masculine Power & Use Your Sex Energy For Good (book) By Michael McPherson KAKAO Ceremonial Drinking Chocolate (website) ERP 071: How To Use Sexual Energy To Improve Your Health & Relationship - With Sarina Stone - Jessica Higgins   ERP 246: How to Deepen Your Connection Through the Power of Ritual - An Interview with William Ayot     Connect with Michael McPherson   https://www.michaelmcpherson.co/    Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:   Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship  Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins  Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts  Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation  LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins  Twitter: @DrJessHiggins  Website: drjessicahiggins.com   Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com Get access to my new group coaching starting in January. Sign up today! If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.  Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.  Thank you!   If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

In today’s episode, we will take a look at negotiating with your significant other when you have a conflict. My interview with Juliet Grayson will delve into how she works with couples to navigate intimacy and find a win-win relationship.   She started her journey as a young child in therapy with the UK NLP Therapy Association Chair. Juliet was intrigued by the association and decided to sign up for a course. She decided to take the entire course six times to embody thinking, which changed her perspective and life.    Having experienced couples therapy with her husband, she decided to venture into the couples therapy treatment realm. Now trained as a couples therapist, she had her first couples client and quickly realized that this vertical wasn’t the same as individual therapy. At this point, she decided to take on a two-year training divided into a year training on sex and the other year on relationships. Juliet currently works primarily with couples who are experiencing sexual problems.   Juliet and I talk about the importance of taking a break in a conversation when one partner is triggered and why having the ability to step away from an argument that is getting heated is a positive action to take to move your relationship forward.    Listen in to find out why every communication is a negotiation, what couples need to do to have the ability to negotiate, the distinction between first and second position with NLP, and the most useful model for couples to move through negotiation. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)   Bio:  Juliet Grayson is a UKCP Reg psychosexual therapist working in the UK.  She & her team run a six modular course, now online,  on "How to Work With Couples for Therapists Who Usually Work One to One”.  She also runs online personal development groups using the Pesso Boyden System of Psychotherapy.  Her book, “Landscapes of the Heart: The working world of a sex and relationship therapist” gives a ‘fly on the wall’ perspective on couples therapy. In this episode, Juliett and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:  How couples are not good negotiators Prerequisites to starting the negotiating process in a couples relationship The importance of knowing what you want for yourself Why it’s important for a couple to brainstorm to solve a problem How to separate the problem from the people The types of concessions a partner can offer inside a relationship How second position is different from first position Why it’s important to understand the other’s motivation for their actions Elements necessary to have the ability to speak from each position in negotiation. The importance of negotiating with generosity and positivity towards your partner How a partner can get “unstuck” in winning at the expense of the relationship   Mentioned: Landscapes of the Heart: The working world of a sex and relationship therapist  (book) Landscape of the Heart (website) Couples Therapy and Counseling (website) Interview with William Ayot, Deepening Your Connection Through the Power of Ritual (podcast)   Connect with Juliet Grayson   To join her emailing list https://therapyandcounselling.co.uk/sign-up-for-info/   Facebook https://www.facebook.com/Juliett.grayson.9/  www.sexuallyinappropriatebehaviour.org   Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:   Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship  Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins  Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts  Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation  LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins  Twitter: @DrJessHiggins  Website: drjessicahiggins.com   Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com Get access to my new group coaching starting in January. Sign up today! If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.  Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.  Thank you!   If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

With modern day life, it is easy to get wrapped up in outside distractions and at times even turn towards these distractions as a way to avoid discomfort and pain. However, in the process of turning towards outside distractions (i.e. news, entertainment, phones, social media, etc), we are turning AWAY from our partner.  Research helps us understand that how responsive partners are to each other is one of the biggest predictors of lasting relationship. Couples who turn towards each other have increased levels of trust, relationship satisfaction, passion and lovemaking.  During this holiday season, and on the tail end of such a stressful year of 2020, what if you put your efforts into one of the most potent and powerful ways of creating connection by increasing the amount of times you turn towards your partner?     (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.) In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins discusses:  What does "turning towards" your partner mean?  How small interactions between partners often leads to the overall sentiment of the relationship (either positive or negative).  The responsiveness rate of happy couples versus responsiveness rate of unhappy couples.  The difference between simple "bids" and complex "bids."  How "turning away" creates disconnect and disengagement and how "turning against" creates conflict, as well as possibility for engagement and repair.  The damage of dismissing bids and the negative outcomes on relationship.  How to increase the rate of responsiveness with our significant other Examples of specific ways of responding to our partner's bids and turning towards them. Check out this free guide to get 25 examples of turning towards your partner: 25 Days to Strengthening Your Love Through Kindness Check out this article to see Dr. John Gottman's list of minor bids for emotional connection (scroll to see the blue graphic).  Mentioned: FREE guide: 25 Days to Strengthening Your Love Through Kindness ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love (podcast) ERP 128: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love - Part Two (podcast) ERP 129: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love - Part Three (podcast) ERP 130: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love - Part Four (podcast) ERP 131: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love - Part Five (podcast) The Gottman Institute (website) Dr. Susan Johnson (website) Turn Towards Instead Of Away, By Zach Brittle LMHC (article)   Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:   Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship  Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins  Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts  Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation  LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins  Twitter: @DrJessHiggins  Website: drjessicahiggins.com   Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com Get access to my new group coaching starting in January. Sign up today! If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.  Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.  Thank you!   If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

William Ayot has worked in personal development and organizational settings, using poetry and the arts to teach worldwide. He speaks about his emotional state at the age of 30, being clinically depressed, not finding any joy in relationships, and he then “fell into a hole.” William was able to climb out of his hole by doing ritual work and discovering the world of personal development. Working with groups of Shamans who used rituals in a very particular way. “I was fascinated, and this began to help me in my personal process.” After completing a ritual for the atonement of the feminine, William met a woman whom he fell in love with and is still in a relationship with to this day, over two decades later. He then realized that ritual work was also applicable to people in relationships. From here, he found himself working for individuals and groups, teaching them the process and value of ritual. When working with couples, William will design and create a ritual for the couple to practice. This helps to know people’s spirituality, what they need when interfacing with each other, and the sacred world. He strives to meet people where they are most present and connected in their lives and the world. At this point, he creates rituals that initiate change. Listen in to find out why rituals are a way of creating an image to send a message to the soul, how rituals are a critical part of our intention-setting and co-creating and why rituals can tie up loose ends with our sense of lack in the current environment. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)   Bio:  William Ayot is an award-winning poet, author, teacher and ritualist. Over three decades, he has worked in personal development and organizational settings, using poetry and the arts to teach around the world. William creates rituals for individuals and groups in his purpose-built ritual garden in Monmouthshire, Wales. He has published four collections of poetry, a prose book on ritual, and is currently writing a book for and about men in a time of epochal change. In this episode, William and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:  How to co-create rewarding, lasting relationships How rituals can be transformative for both individuals and couples Knowing a person’s spirituality before creating or prescribing a ritual for them is important How rituals are a way of creating an image to send a message to the soul “The soul doesn’t deal in data or numbers. It deals in pictures and images.” William Ayot Why we are cutting off from a deep and profound part of ourselves by disregarding ritual in our life Why we are giving our partner a gift when we use ritual in our lives What William encourages us to do to feel more connected in the world How to conduct rituals safely with the intended best effect The five basic stages of a ritual and the importance of closing the ritual down before leaving  Why ritual is as important for men as it is for women “Rituals are a unique way for a human being to give a message to their psyche or their soul.” William Ayot Poem, by William Ayot It Turns and Softly Speaks Night after night the empty road, the home-light diminishing then vanishing as you travel out into the world again, hungry for a love that you can never allow. If only you could pause for a moment, look down at your feet and not at the horizon, you might spot the small grey pebble of love lying discarded where you flung it as a child. What was the hurt that made you a loner? How did the wondrous gift become a wound? You’re alone. You’re still giving but you’re giving from an exhausted place. Listen to the call of love: admit, accept, receive. © William Ayot Mentioned: Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication – Free Guide Re Enchanting the Forest: Meaningful Ritual in a Secular World   Connect with William Ayot   Visit William on the web   Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:   Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship  Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins  Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts  Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation  LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins  Twitter: @DrJessHiggins  Website: drjessicahiggins.com   Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com Get access to my new group coaching starting in January. Sign up today! If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.  Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.  Thank you!   If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

Richard Bolstad has devoted his time to running workshops with his wife Julia and has authored many books on coaching and cooperative relationships. In this episode, we talk about how he became interested in couples therapy, Neuro-Linguistic Programming, and how this type of process can become a “User’s Manual for the brain.” We not only discuss NLP in detail but give vital examples of the elements of NLP. He speaks about connection cues and why these are more important than conflict cues, and how connection cues turn into bids for a partner’s attention. Partners who pick up on this bid for attention connect and build rapport within the relationship. Breathing, body positions, and brain waves start to synchronize between the couple. When one partner ignores the other partner’s bid for attention, the relationship can start to break. Couples aren’t willing to do the work until they feel like they are heard and seen. This process builds goodwill and reinforces their bond. Unless these components are part of a relationship, it’s hard to find a significant bond between two people. Listen in to our conversation about the Japanese cultural art of Aikido is used as a metaphor for building relationships and aligning with someone else, the importance of self-soothing, and how partners can have negative responses toward each other during a conversation. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)   Bio:  A member of the New Zealand Association of Psychotherapists, Richard runs training world-wide, both singly and with his wife, Julia Kurusheva. He is the author of many books on NLP, coaching, and cooperative relationships, published in 10 languages, including Transforming Communication and The Rapport Based Family. Instructors teach his “Transforming Communication” cooperative relationships course in more than 14 languages. Richard also runs training on conflict resolution in war zones and after major disaster events. In this episode, Richard and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:  How NLP can be used to guide couples relationships Examples of NLP framework in action Why cues and bids for attention are important inside a relationship How to people can build rapport amongst each other The physical effects building rapport causes inside a relationship Engines that drive the verbal and nonverbal responses towards a partner “What people usually call thinking is made up of the things they picture visually inside their head, what they say to themselves and listen to, and what they pay attention to.” By Richard Bolstad How to enrich your couples experience by paying attention to your inputs The ability and exercise of how to create an emotional anchor for yourself Differences in sensory systems between two people How to reinforce the bond between you and your partner “Instead of manipulating or doing things to influence someone else, find elements that will co-create a relationship.” By Richard Bolstad Mentioned: Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication – Free Guide Find a mediator online  Dr. Susan Johnson The Gottman Institute Virginia Satir Pick up Richard’s The Rapport Based Family ERP 217: How to Deal with Stonewalling in Your Relationship   Connect with  Richard Bolstad   Visit Richard on the web   Find out more about Neurolinguistic Programming   Richard Bolstad on Linkedin Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:   Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship  Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins  Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts  Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation  LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins  Twitter: @DrJessHiggins  Website: drjessicahiggins.com   Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.  Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.  Thank you!   If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

Angela shares her stance on what divorce does to a child’s development, as well as looking at how a divorce is handled before, during and after can determine how much it impacts a child down the road. She discusses the indicators that childhood divorce has affected someone and how it can manifest. Angela also talks about ways to identify if divorce may be affecting your relationships in adulthood.   Listen, as Angela describes what is a “healthy” relationship and how to determine what is real and what isn’t when it comes to happiness in your relationships. Angela believes you can break free of past unhappy relationships and move forward with clarity to find what you are looking for. How you see yourself isn’t always how others see you, so Angela shares some tips to help you bridge the gap.    (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)   Bio:  Angela Cusimano is a psychologist and personal coach with decades of experience working with kids, families, and trauma survivors. As a way to connect with more people outside of the therapy room, she has started a coaching program for childhood divorce survivors who struggle with self-love, self-sabotage, and difficulties in their partnerships.   She has published two books: one for families going through the divorce process and a book for parents who want to safely raise their teens in the digital age.   In this episode, Dr. Angela Cusimano and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:  Angela’s stance on what divorce does to children’s development. Some indicators that childhood divorce has affected a person, like self-sabotage and relationship sabotage. Learning how to identify that divorce may have affected intimacy and relationships in adulthood. How divorce is handled can influence how much children are impacted down the road. What a “healthy” relationship can look like. Happiness in relationships: what is real and what isn’t. Breaking free of a past of unhappy relationships and moving forward with possibility.   Tweetables “We all grow up with this idea of normal.” Angela Cusimano PhD “The first step is making the connection between the present and the past.” Angela Cusimano PhD “The conflict between parents is more psychologically damaging than the divorce itself.” Angela Cusimano PhD “Happy couples do fight.” Angela Cusimano PhD “There are two sides to your story.” Angela Cusimano PhD   Mentioned: Crash Course for Divorce: How to Make a Difficult Road Easier to Navigate by Angela Cusimano PhD Raising Teens in the Digital Age: How to Connect, Understand, and Keep Them Safe, by Angela Cusimano PhD Shifting Criticism Into Connected Communication - a free gift for listeners.   Connect with Angela Cusimano   Visit Angela on the web   Facebook: facebook.com/changethetidecoaching   Instagram: instagram.com/changethetidecoaching   Pinterest: pinterest.com/changethetidecoaching   Email Angela   Angela’s upcoming programs   For a free childhood divorce survivor journal   Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:   Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship  Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins  Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts  Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation  LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins  Twitter: @DrJessHiggins  Website: drjessicahiggins.com   Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic, you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.  Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.  Thank you!   If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

Kenneth Cloke talks about how the language we use, the stories we tell, and how we approach our conflicts often have the outcome of making them worse and destroying our relationships. He talks about how to avoid using certain verbiage, so that our partners aren’t triggered to counter-attack. Listen in to our conversation where Ken talks about creating a pivot point in your conversation and having a better outcome and solution with the relational conversation that includes both members of a partnership. Kenneth Cloke has devoted much of his career to supporting people in the various negotiation conflict areas and resolving conflict. After a brutal divorce experience and reflection of how he could have handled his personal situation better, Ken was inspired to help others move through their conflict and teach how we can learn and use our own tools to avoid conflict before it starts. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)   Bio:  Kenneth Cloke is a mediator, arbitrator, coach, consultant, and trainer, specializing in resolving complex multi-party disputes, including transnational, marital, divorce, family, grievance, workplace disputes, organizational, and public policy, and school conflicts, and designing preventative conflict resolution systems. He has worked in over 25 countries and is the founder and first President of Mediators Beyond Borders. He has published 15 books on conflict resolution, recently The Crossroads of Conflict and Politics, Dialogue, and the Evolution of Democracy. In this episode, Kenneth Cloke and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss:  How to see conflicts differently, as well as how to recognize the source of most of our conflicts.  The importance of looking at the language we use, the stories we tell and the approaches we use that either bring resolution or communication break-down. Identifying the specific words that lead to conflict and destructive cycles in relationship. Learn new language and new questions to ask that create understanding, clear communication and productive outcomes in relationship.  What are the questions we are asking ourselves in every interaction to gauge how safe we are in the relationship. What makes someone an ally versus a threat in relationship. How vulnerable we are within our intimate relationships, what is at stake and and the risks involved.  Learn ways to generate solutions, strengthen relationships and deepen intimacy in communication.  Tweetables “I became interested in how to introduce conversations and design them that would help people actually talk through their problems with each other.” Kenneth Cloke   “Over the course of the past 40 years I’ve been immersed in working with people to get to places in which they see their conflicts completely differently.” Kenneth Cloke   “The language we use, the stories we tell and the way we approach our conflicts often has the outcome of making them worse and destroying our relationships.” Kenneth Cloke   “If you use the word ‘you’ in connection with something negative, the form of that pronoun is an accusation.” Kenneth Cloke   “Relationships are at stake in every conversation.” Kenneth Cloke Mentioned: The Crossroads of Conflict: A Journey into the Heart of Dispute Resolution by Kenneth Cloke The Dance of Opposites: Explorations in Mediation, Dialogue and Conflict Resolution Systems by Kenneth Cloke Shifting Criticism into Connected Communication – Free Guide Find a mediator online    Connect with Kenneth Cloke   Visit Kenneth on the web   Pick up one of Kenneth’s relationship books   Find out more about Kenneth’s trainings he offers   Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:   Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship  Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins  Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts  Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation  LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins  Twitter: @DrJessHiggins  Website: drjessicahiggins.com   Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.  Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.  Thank you!   If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

Suppose you're with an emotionally unavailable partner. In that case, you'll find that you can feel emotionally destabilized at times, that your partner is keeping you at arm's length. You might find that you can't talk deeply about the relationship itself and about what you need and what you want and especially where the two of you as a couple are headed in the future. In this episode, I talk with Ryan Haddon, a certified Life, and Spiritual Coach, Hypnotherapist, and certified Meditation teacher. She and I discuss how a person with narcissistic tendencies can emotionally keep you at bay and what you can do to shift your focus if you find yourself in one of these types of relationships. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.)   Bio:  Ryan Haddon is a certified Life and Spiritual Coach, Hypnotherapist, and certified Meditation teacher with over 16 years of experience with clients worldwide. A sought-after public speaker for corporate retreats and wellness events, Ryan does private workshops such as “Stepping Into Your Purpose,” “The Work/Life Balance,” and “Finding Your Center.” Ryan was a keynote speaker for Visionary Women’s 2020 virtual event and a featured speaker at CAA’s 2020 global wellness event. She’s also the in-house Life Coach at Kourtney Kardashian’s website Poosh, where she writes mind/body/spirit articles. In this episode, Ryan Haddon and I discuss:  Why you feel unsafe in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner. What does emotional unavailability look like in a partner? Reasons why people are emotionally unavailable. Why you feel lonely, unvalidated and rejected with a partner that’s emotionally unavailable. The checklist of behaviors that emotionally unavailable people tend to display. Why it can feel like you are doing all the heavy lifting inside your relationship. How to figure out what you can do to break the pattern of dating emotionally unavailable people. Tweetables “If you’re in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable, you’re most likely feeling destabilized at all times.” Ryan Haddon   “When you enter into a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person you’ll feel like you’re not safe.” Ryan Haddon   “Knowing that they can’t give you more than they are and if you manage to get past go, your relationship might be well underway and you might feel like you’re dancing all the time, constantly taking their emotional temperature. Ryan Haddon “Emotional unavailability is a good term to describe when you’re with someone who is always setting the terms, withdrawing physically and emotionally when you get too close, probably because they’re afraid to be vulnerable.” Ryan Haddon “It feels that one sidedness that you are always having to accept that they’re not really needing you in that same playing field that you want to be in.” Ryan Haddon Mentioned: Get your free guide Relationship Map to Happy Lasting Love Free Guide Listen to the podcast episode How To Deal With Fears Of Intimacy How To Deal With Fears Of Intimacy - Part Two of the podcast series Connect with Ryan Haddon Visit Ryan on the web Chat with Ryan on Instagram Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins:   Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship  Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins  Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts  Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation  LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins  Twitter: @DrJessHiggins  Website: drjessicahiggins.com   Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.  Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.  Thank you!   If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.