Waking Up to Narcissism

If you’ve ever been in a relationship with emotional immaturity or narcissistic behavior, you know the truth: Healing doesn’t come with a map. Emotional safety doesn’t come with instructions. And waking up is rarely a straight line.In this 10th “Death by 1,000 Cuts” episode, Tony introduces The Ten Emotional Commandments — the patterns, boundaries, and insights that so many people wish they had years earlier. These commandments aren’t rules you obey; they’re survival skills you learn. They’re the shifts that help you understand your emotions, trust your gut, stop overexplaining, and finally step out of the chaos you didn’t choose.This episode is validating, grounding, sometimes funny, sometimes painful — and deeply relatable. With listener-submitted “cuts,” real-world examples, and a gentle breakdown of what healing actually looks like, Tony helps you recognize the patterns AND understand how to break them.If you’ve felt alone in your confusion, in your exhaustion, or in the emotional whiplash of trying to make sense of someone else’s immaturity — this episode is for you.00:00 Introduction and Series Overview00:37 The Power of Your Stories01:20 A Survivor's Poem04:42 The 10 Emotional Commandments08:54 Commandment 1: Raise Your Emotional Baseline15:59 Commandment 2: Get Your PhD in Gaslighting21:53 Commandment 3: Drop the Rope of Emotional Tug of War27:33 Commandment 4: Set Boundaries and Mean Them32:17 Stop Searching for the Perfect Words33:01 Examples of False Promises and Manipulation33:52 Understanding Emotional Immaturity36:41 Limiting Your Attack Surface40:13 Recognizing Projection44:45 Honoring Your Inner Dialogue48:37 Trusting Your Gut and Emotions53:07 Change is Not Linear57:51 Final Thoughts and ResourcesWomen navigating emotionally immature relationships: come join Tony’s private women’s Facebook group.Men beginning your own emotional maturity journey: check out the Men’s Emotional Architects group.Links in the show notes.Contact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group.And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line.

Have you ever remembered something so vividly that it feels etched into your bones — only to have someone look at you blankly and say, “That never happened”? Have you ever started to wonder if maybe you’re the one who’s losing your mind?If so, you know the disorienting pain of questioning your own reality.In this episode, Tony Overbay, LMFT, unpacks what happens when your memory becomes the battleground in a relationship with an emotionally immature or narcissistic partner. When every disagreement seems to rewrite history, your sense of truth can start to unravel — not because you’re broken, but because your brain and body have been conditioned to survive confusion.Tony explores how:Cognitive dissonance makes you doubt what you know is trueGaslighting and confabulation distort shared realityThe false self uses denial to avoid shameChronic emotional stress rewires your nervous system and memoryTools like gray rocking and self-regulation help you reclaim peaceThrough clinical examples, evidence-based research, and hope, this episode reveals how to rebuild trust in your own perception — and why remembering that you were there is the first step toward healing.Because waking up isn’t about convincing anyone else what happened, it’s about remembering: you were right to trust yourself all along.00:00 Introduction: The Fallibility of Memory00:58 Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships02:15 The Reality Police: Types of Memory Issues03:14 Emotional Immaturity and Narcissism04:12 The Impact of Chronic Invalidation05:33 Welcome to Waking Up to Narcissism07:00 Pam and Jim: A Story of Emotional Distortion11:38 Cognitive Dissonance and Emotional Survival21:06 Understanding Gaslighting24:33 A Heartbreaking Misunderstanding25:58 The Power of Gaslighting26:13 Confabulation: Filling Memory Gaps27:08 The Patchwork Quilt of Self-Image28:18 The Cost of Emotional Immaturity32:25 Interpersonal Neurobiology and Co-Regulation35:37 The Impact of Chronic Stress37:15 Rewiring Your Brain for Peace45:29 Gray Rocking: A Strategy for Self-Protection48:20 Reclaiming Your Sense of CalmContact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group.And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouchAvailable NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-courseYou can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com

Do you ever feel like no matter how much you explain yourself, your words just get turned against you? In this episode of Waking Up to Narcissism, Tony Overbay, LMFT, breaks down why explanations don’t lead to understanding with a narcissist—or with anyone who is deeply emotionally immature. Instead, they become what Tony calls an “attack surface”: the very fuel that allows the narcissist to twist, criticize, or position themselves as the victim.Through a painfully familiar story of a wife trying to share her day and a husband who withdraws into silence, Tony unpacks:Why silence is a weapon for the narcissist—and why it spikes anxiety for the pathologically kind partnerHow emotionally immature people thrive on friction and conflict rather than true connectionThe cycle of narcissistic supply (idealization, devaluation, and discard) and how it shows up in daily interactionsThe difference between secure attachment and antagonistic attachmentFive rules for protecting yourself and reducing “attack surfaces” in conversationsIf you’ve ever found yourself over-explaining, apologizing for things that weren’t your fault, or walking on eggshells to avoid conflict, this episode will help you recognize the patterns, reclaim your emotional energy, and begin to shift the dynamic.Your kindness is a gift—but when explanations only make things worse, it’s time to understand why.00:00 Introduction and Acknowledgements00:52 Understanding Substack and Blogging02:11 Disclaimer and Episode Overview02:47 Narcissism in Relationships07:25 The Real-Life Story Begins11:39 Analyzing the Narcissistic Behavior19:13 Secure Attachment vs. Narcissistic Attachment25:58 The Concept of Attack Surface35:18 The Silent Treatment: A Narcissist's Weapon35:51 The Parasitic Dynamic in Narcissistic Relationships39:20 The Narcissistic Supply Cycle43:51 Codependency and Pathological Kindness51:41 Strategies for Dealing with Narcissists56:05 Breaking the Cycle: Reclaiming Your Power01:01:32 The Importance of Documentation01:07:57 Key Takeaways and Final ThoughtsContact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group.And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouchAvailable NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-courseYou can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com

What happens when the person who usually has the answers finds himself sitting in the unknown? In this deeply personal episode, licensed marriage and family therapist Tony Overbay shares his raw, honest experience of losing his mother - not as a clinician offering guidance, but as a son navigating grief for the first time.Tony opens with a touching story about his mom's lifelong belief that he was a "real doctor," leading to an unexpectedly profound moment in the ICU. He then sits down with Q&A Files co-host Trisha Jamison for an unfiltered conversation about what it's really like when the helper becomes the one who needs help.This isn't a clinical discussion about the stages of grief - it's a human exploration of sitting bedside for four days, the humor that emerges in dark moments, the spiritual experiences you hope for but might not get, and why "let me know if you need anything" might not be as helpful as we think.Whether you're processing your own loss, supporting someone who is, or simply curious about what happens when life flips the script on a mental health professional, this conversation offers something real. It's messy, it's honest, and it's ultimately about being human enough to sit with the questions when you don't have all the answers.Topics covered: Grief processing, end-of-life care, family dynamics, therapeutic insights, humor as coping mechanism, supporting others in loss, acceptance and commitment therapy in practice.Content note: This episode contains frank discussions about death, dying, and the physical aspects of end-of-life care.00:00 Introduction and Announcements02:25 Personal Loss: The Passing of My Mom03:44 Understanding the Role of a Therapist06:05 A Story of Misunderstanding: My Mom Thought I Was a Doctor15:10 A Therapist's Perspective on Grief17:58 Conversation with Tricia Jameson: Grief and Grace34:30 Exploring the Nature of Memory35:54 Humor as a Coping Mechanism38:59 Seeking Spiritual Experiences42:07 Navigating Grief and Loss48:26 Reflecting on Personal Growth52:01 Supporting Others Through Grief58:49 Concluding Thoughts and FarewellContact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group.And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouchAvailable NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-courseYou can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com

Would you rather be liked—or be true to yourself?It sounds simple, but what happens when staying true to your values could cost you your job, your marriage, your faith community, or your friendships? In today’s episode of The Virtual Couch Presents, Tony Overbay, LMFT, dives into the real difference between character (the traits others see in us) and integrity (the alignment of our actions with our deepest values).Through stories pulled from the legal world, faith communities, workplaces, friendships, and even the messy reality of parenting, Tony explores how external validation can pull us away from who we are—and how emotional maturity, self-determination, and values-based living bring us back home to ourselves.You’ll hear about billion-dollar law firms making impossible choices, parents navigating the tension between community expectations and their child’s authenticity, and why even a heated debate over pizza sauce in a Hot Pocket can reveal where integrity really lives.At the end of the episode, stay tuned for a short guided meditation to help you connect with your own values and discover how to live them out with integrity. And don’t miss the chance to grab a cheat sheet of this episode and Tony’s Values Exercise, a simple but powerful tool to help you start discovering who you truly are.This is not about guilt or shame. It’s about curiosity, growth, and finding the courage to live with integrity—even when it costs you.00:00 Welcome to the Virtual Couch00:50 The Dilemma: Being Liked vs. Being True to Yourself01:36 Exploring Character and Integrity02:58 Upcoming Cruise and Workshops04:04 Character vs. Integrity: Real-Life Examples14:14 The Legal World: Integrity Under Pressure33:21 Self-Determination Theory and Emotional Maturity35:53 Intrinsic Motivation and Self-Determination Theory36:56 Autonomy, Competence, and Relatedness37:42 External Rewards and Burnout38:39 Real-World Examples of Integrity39:42 Sophia's Journey to Integrity42:16 Daniel's Struggle with Values45:12 Integrity in Different Contexts58:06 Faith and Integrity01:06:15 Guided Meditation: Coming Home to Your ValuesContact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group.And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouchAvailable NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-courseYou can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com

Explore how deeply held beliefs can influence our perceptions and social interactions. After a personal story about coping with changes in appearance, the conversation delves into the Dartmouth scar study revealing our biases in judgment. Learn about confirmation bias and how it shapes our understanding of politics, relationships, and more. Real-life examples highlight the struggle against cognitive shortcuts, while insights into anxiety in personal and professional settings remind us of the importance of openness and personal growth.

What if an entire generation is emotionally stuck in childhood—and doesn't even know it?In this compelling guest appearance on The Steph and Craig Show, Tony dives deep into what he calls "the emotional immaturity epidemic" that's quietly sabotaging relationships everywhere.Discover the hidden patterns that keep adults reacting like children: black-and-white thinking that destroys nuance, magical thinking that avoids reality, and the exhausting habit of managing everyone else's emotions instead of allowing people to have their own experiences. Through real-life examples and practical insights, you'll learn to recognize these childhood survival strategies that have become adult relationship roadblocks.Whether you're the people-pleaser who can't say no, the perfectionist who fears vulnerability, or the controller trying to manage everyone's feelings, this conversation offers eye-opening insights into how these patterns formed—and more importantly, how to outgrow them.What you'll discover: • Why emotional reasoning ("I feel it, so it must be true") sabotages relationships • How childhood adaptations become adult limitations• Practical tools for recognizing your own emotional immaturity patterns • Actionable strategies for developing genuine emotional maturityReady to stop reacting from your inner child and start responding from your wise adult self? This episode will show you exactly where to begin.Find The Steph and Craig Show at stephandcraig.co00:00 Introduction and Episode Overview00:34 Guest Introduction: Steph and Craig02:22 Emotional Immaturity Epidemic04:18 Therapy Insights and Personal Anecdotes05:24 Interview Begins: Revisiting Past Conversations06:52 Emotional Weight in Relationships09:55 Understanding Emotional Immaturity13:02 Inner Child and Emotional Development27:35 Black and White Thinking in Relationships30:55 Reflecting on Past Behaviors31:53 The Power of Language in Relationships33:07 Understanding Black or White Thinking34:45 Magical Thinking and Emotional Maturity43:12 Emotional Reasoning in Adults58:46 Navigating Faith and Personal Validation01:00:13 The Impact of External Validation on Self-Identity01:00:42 The Role of Accountability and Magical Thinking01:01:16 Spiritual Perspectives on Differentiation01:02:37 Emotional Boundaries and Responsibility01:04:35 Navigating Emotional Charges in Relationships01:06:48 The Journey of Emotional Maturity01:11:30 Mind Reading and Assumptions in Relationships01:16:10 The Continuous Learning Process01:23:31 The Importance of Emotional Maturity01:26:05 Final Thoughts and Call to ActionContact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group.And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. 

Are you truly being curious—or just trying to win the argument? Tony explores the difference between genuine curiosity and performative questions, sharing real-life examples and tools to help you respond with emotional maturity, not reactivity. Learn how curiosity can transform your relationships.00:00 Introduction and Host Background01:42 Understanding Performative vs. Genuine Curiosity02:04 A Personal Story About Curiosity08:50 The Importance of Genuine Curiosity in Relationships19:10 Self-Regulation and Emotional Maturity24:18 Promoting Genuine Curiosity in Parenting26:17 The Role of Humility in Curiosity29:41 Healthy Ego vs. Defensive Narcissism35:03 The Neuroscience of Decision Making and Emotions37:06 The Power of Slowing Down37:36 Understanding Emotions: Primary, Secondary, and Instrumental41:02 Exploring Anger in Relationships42:48 Trusting Your Gut and Emotional Reasoning45:41 Addressing Men's Emotional Immaturity48:55 Real-Life Examples of Genuine Curiosity53:42 Parenting with Curiosity55:09 Curiosity in Marriage and Workplace59:47 Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Tools01:02:15 Four Pillars of a Connected Conversation01:05:20 Final Thoughts and TakeawaysContact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group.And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. 

How many times have you been told you were too sensitive? Or accused of overreacting? Maybe you’ve heard things like, “It’s not a big deal,” “You need to calm down,” or “It was just a joke—why are you making this such a thing?” And each time, you questioned yourself. Was it really that bad? Were you imagining things? Because on their own, the comments, the criticisms, the passive-aggressive digs might seem small—hardly worth mentioning. But they kept happening. Over and over. Until you stopped trusting your own perception. That’s the nature of death by 1,000 cuts. It’s not the severity of one moment—it’s the slow, relentless erosion of your sense of self, done quietly enough that you begin to doubt whether you’re even bleeding at all.In this ninth edition of the Death by 1,000 Cuts series, Tony Overbay, LMFT, dives even deeper into the subtle ways being in a relationship with the narcissist, or emotionally immature, erodes your sense of self, one dismissive comment, one double standard, one guilt trip at a time. Tony explains how this isn’t just about pain. It’s about power.You’ll hear real stories from real people who’ve endured the emotional whiplash, the rewritten history, and the gaslighting—and who are waking up to their self-worth. He explores what happens when those who were meant to love us chip away at our confidence, and what it means to finally stop apologizing for noticing.And Tony shares how to recognize eventually, and then celebrate the resilience of those who are still standing, not just after 1,000 cuts, but after every life they had to rebuild.If you’ve ever felt like you were the only one keeping score of the damage—or the only one still fighting to heal—this episode is for you.00:00 A True Story Begins00:20 The Number Nine Debate01:28 Mark's Research and Sarah's Reaction03:17 The Argument Escalates05:24 Mark's Apology and Internal Struggle06:11 Mark's Conversation with Jim07:05 Introduction to Death by a Thousand Cuts08:58 Understanding Emotional Abuse11:08 Listener's Email on Validation14:45 Financial Control in Divorce19:21 Emotional Betrayal in Vulnerability22:44 The Car Disagreement32:17 Emotional Immaturity and Self-Sufficiency34:00 The Weaponization of Humor37:27 The Impact of Passive-Aggressive Comments47:38 Control and Manipulation in Relationships50:31 Emotional Triangulation and Rewriting Narratives54:57 Healing and Moving Forward57:59 Mindfulness Prompt: The Cut and the Healing

What if the very strategies that saved you as a child are now sabotaging your adult relationships?In Part 2 of Tony's series on emotional immaturity, discover why your most persistent relationship struggles aren't character flaws—they're outdated survival software still running in the background of your life.Through the powerful ACT metaphor of "The Man in the Hole," you'll understand why working harder with familiar emotional tools only digs you deeper into relationship problems. When someone offers you a ladder out of your patterns, why do you keep trying to dig with it instead? This episode reveals how to recognize when it's time to put down the shovel of old coping strategies and climb toward something completely different.Meet the clients who've made this transformation: the chronic fixer who learned to ask "what do you need from me?" instead of immediately solving, the humor-deflector who shocked a room into silence by sharing something real, and the lifelong people-pleaser whose hands shook as she said "no" for the first time—and discovered her marriage actually got stronger.You'll explore Terry Real's revolutionary insight that childhood adaptations become adult roadblocks, learn the art of re-parenting yourself with compassion instead of criticism, and discover why emotional maturity isn't about never falling into old patterns—it's about recognizing when you're there and having new tools to respond.Whether you struggle with hypervigilance, perfectionism, control issues, or people-pleasing tendencies, this episode offers a shame-free framework for honoring your inner child's brilliant survival strategies while empowering your adult self to take the lead. Because growth isn't about eliminating your protective parts—it's about expanding your repertoire of responses and choosing consciously instead of reacting automatically.Ready to stop digging and start climbing? Your ladder awaits.00:00 Introduction and Recap01:23 The Story of Tyler03:53 Tyler's Realization and Therapy09:39 Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Metaphor15:46 Revisiting Emotional Immaturity19:30 Reparenting Yourself25:05 Examples of Reparenting in Action29:00 Exploring Emotional Immaturity Traits40:54 Recognizing and Validating Emotions42:47 Dependence on External Validation48:54 Taking Ownership and Accountability51:49 Mind Reading and Communication01:03:55 Hypervigilance and Emotional Containment01:07:12 Perfectionism and Control01:11:49 Integration and Emotional Maturity01:15:57 Real-Life Examples of Emotional Growth01:22:05 The Journey of Emotional Maturity