Waking Up to Narcissism Stop Trying to Explain Yourself to the Narcissist: Why Explanations Make Things Worse
Do you ever feel like no matter how much you explain yourself, your words just get turned against you? In this episode of Waking Up to Narcissism, Tony Overbay, LMFT, breaks down why explanations don’t lead to understanding with a narcissist—or with anyone who is deeply emotionally immature. Instead, they become what Tony calls an “attack surface”: the very fuel that allows the narcissist to twist, criticize, or position themselves as the victim.
Through a painfully familiar story of a wife trying to share her day and a husband who withdraws into silence, Tony unpacks:
- Why silence is a weapon for the narcissist—and why it spikes anxiety for the pathologically kind partner
- How emotionally immature people thrive on friction and conflict rather than true connection
- The cycle of narcissistic supply (idealization, devaluation, and discard) and how it shows up in daily interactions
- The difference between secure attachment and antagonistic attachment
- Five rules for protecting yourself and reducing “attack surfaces” in conversations
If you’ve ever found yourself over-explaining, apologizing for things that weren’t your fault, or walking on eggshells to avoid conflict, this episode will help you recognize the patterns, reclaim your emotional energy, and begin to shift the dynamic.
Your kindness is a gift—but when explanations only make things worse, it’s time to understand why.
00:00 Introduction and Acknowledgements
00:52 Understanding Substack and Blogging
02:11 Disclaimer and Episode Overview
02:47 Narcissism in Relationships
07:25 The Real-Life Story Begins
11:39 Analyzing the Narcissistic Behavior
19:13 Secure Attachment vs. Narcissistic Attachment
25:58 The Concept of Attack Surface
35:18 The Silent Treatment: A Narcissist's Weapon
35:51 The Parasitic Dynamic in Narcissistic Relationships
39:20 The Narcissistic Supply Cycle
43:51 Codependency and Pathological Kindness
51:41 Strategies for Dealing with Narcissists
56:05 Breaking the Cycle: Reclaiming Your Power
01:01:32 The Importance of Documentation
01:07:57 Key Takeaways and Final Thoughts
Contact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group.
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